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Much love,

Grace

P.S. If money has abandoned you, or given you the silent treatment, or if money has flooded you with demands and attention and thoughts….come question your relationship with it and return to the center. Sign up by sliding scale donation. To read about it and to register, visit here. Mondays 9:00-10:30 am PT starting January 23rd.

If you are willing to answer two questions (anonymously) about what you’d like more of, and what you’d like less of in Grace Notes in 2017, I’d LOVE to hear your stressful thoughts you’d like to see worked, learn what’s most helpful, hear what doesn’t work for you and any questions you have about The Work. Please click here to share with me what works and what doesn’t.

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*Ping!*

An email came in and it was so short I didn’t even need to open it, I could already see the full content.

Two words.

“Dingbat Extraordinaire”.

It was about me, under an 11 minute Eating Peace video I made on the stressful thought of doing something compulsive (again) and believing the thought you’ll never stop, you’ve been doing the same thing forever, you’re at a holiday party and you overeat or over-drink when you promised yourself you wouldn’t.

Such a short comment, who knows what exactly it was referring to.

But it had a little pinch in it. A disappointment. A deflation. Too bad. A “dingbat” isn’t a good thing, is it? People will see that comment and agree.

Fortunately, the phrase I heard from Katie long ago, early on in meeting her and doing The Work arose in my mind….

….”the gift of criticism”.

Criticism is a gift? What?! Because it doesn’t feel like it right in this moment when a stranger writes those words.

Maybe you have your own moment of feeling criticized.

This is an incredible place to inquire, to sink into the feeling of hurt or judgment towards you from someone else, and identify and question your beliefs.

Who would I be without the thought that what I’ve just read is “critical” and means…..WHAT?

I love discovering what I think criticism actually means.

It means I’m not liked! It means I wasn’t helpful. It means the person is disgusted, which means they have no use for me, which means I’m abandoned and alone. It means they’ll influence other people and they will ditch me.

But is this actually true that criticism means I’ll be abandoned and alone, that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m not good enough?

If someone gets upset and stops communicating with me, does it mean I’m threatened or there’s something wrong with it? If a stranger makes a statement like the one I read, does it actually mean anything about me?

Hmmm.

It SEEMS like it means something about me. They are arriving at an opinion of what they are seeing and hearing, which they think and I think is “me”. Although this little snippet of “me” is not the fullness of what I am.

I notice I like it better when someone writes a comment that suggests they’re very happy they found that video, they loved watching it, and it was helpful.

But who would I be without this story of needing to be likable, intelligent, appealing, helpful, or understood by others?

Who would I be without the thought those words mean something “bad” or that I’ll be abandoned and dismissed and all alone?

Lighter. More spacious.

In this case, laughing.

The words are pretty funny “dingbat extraordinaire”.

I’ve called myself a dingbat before, so it’s not that surprising, and I’ve completely acted like an absent minded professor and lost details and forgotten obvious things (to some). The word “dingbat” actually means (according to the dictionary) someone eccentric or stupid.

OK, hand raised. Especially the “eccentric” part. LOL. But I can deal with “stupid” too. I can find it.

Turning it entirely around: I am willing to be labeled by someone in the world, on the internet, as a dingbat extraordinaire. I look forward to it.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, for one thing, it already happened. For another, it makes me curious about what is being seen. It inspires me to improve my message. I’m aware of how many people still say they love listening, watching or reading. Maybe it weeds out those who are better served elsewhere.

I also have a flash image of seeing messages or comments on the internet about people I very deeply admire who are leaders in the world of mindfulness and healing, who are wanting to be in service of peace, like I do.

Not so long ago I read a stranger’s abrasive comment on one of my favorite teacher’s feeds in facebook, and remembered having the thought “wow, even the most respected authors and teachers sometimes have aggression appear around what they’re expressing…I wonder how he handles these kinds of comments?”

How could it be a good thing, that you hear or read those words about you?

Wow. Just being willing to allow everything to be as it is, to even celebrate or respect those words, is a completely different feeling than the immediate defensive reaction.

And I notice, without my stressful thoughts about what should or shouldn’t be, about what it means….

….”dingbat extraordinaire” is pretty funny.

“I love receiving what the world calls criticism. It’s a very, very fast way to know yourself. Just in case you don’t, the world does. To be a true seeker, open your minds. Could they be right?” ~ Byron Katie

The Gift of Criticism Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Eating Peace Evening: The Work of Byron Katie and Emotional Eating. East West Bookstore. $15 you must pre-register. January 11th 7:00-8:30 pm. Sign up here.

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The agony of not getting eating, diet or the body quite right is a huge struggle.

Doing lots of things in a compulsive way is a struggle. Spending, working, wanting a relationship, sex, the drive for perfect health, more, more, more, craving for something different, thinking.

The eat-guilt-punishment cycle is very compelling, and very, very painful.

I’ll never forget the way it was for me, even though its been years since I binge ate or forced myself to throw up, or fasted or dieted severely.

All those times I drove through city streets in the dark, entering drive-through fast-food places and ordering. Eating with one hand, driving with the other, moving on to the next place, trying to think of where I could go and what I could eat next. Desperate. Having piles of wrapper and garbage on the passenger seat of the car.

Those strange eating times are long over, but I still remember how much I suffered.

So much is happening in compulsive activity: mind, body, feelings, spirit.

I had no idea how to be conscious or wake up out of that terrible trance. Fortunately, I asked for help.

And fortunately, several of the key people I consulted knew to help me question and change my mind, make peace with my true feelings, and learn how to love instead of freak out.

I learned, that without inquiring into what I’m thinking and believing about food, eating and really everything I’m interacting with….

….I will not see why I’m moved to eat (or any less-than-helpful compulsive activity). I’ll remain blind.

If I ignore what I’m thinking and believing, and NEVER question if it’s true, I’ll feel aggressive, angry even, and like moving fast.

Speed makes it so I don’t have to stop….and feel the grief or angst. Speed makes things run together, or theoretically get dropped and left behind.

I used to eat so fast, it was as if it was the last food on earth and I was starving to death.

The thing is, whatever emotion or fear I ran away from and rushed ahead of never left me alone.

Whatever’s unfinished or unresolved will chase after you, until you hear it, look at it, be with it, see it, feel it, explore it, accept it. You won’t quit eating until you can relax, and inquire, about what is really true.

Without inquiry, or slowing down, here’s what the usual foggy, weird, confusing addition/craving cycle looks like:

1. I feel uncomfortable with being here, in reality
2. something isn’t safe, something is disappointing, something hurts, something’s boring
3. I want to get away from this disturbing moment
4. I’m against the thing that hurt me, I’m against reality for including something disturbing
5. my mind says “I know. You enjoy eating, remember?” (Your mind might suggest a sexual encounter, a drink of alcohol, a cigarette, drugs, talking to someone you know, quitting your job, moving, buying something)
6. pictures arise of food, various kinds of foods and where they might be found
7. mind says “yes, that’s it….go find it, get it, experience it”
8. body takes action, you move towards the perceived pleasure
9. you no longer think about the disturbance
10. maybe a thought enters “you shouldn’t eat, though…remember?!”
11. a battle begins
12. the energy grows even bigger, fighting to get to pleasure, to relief, to relaxation, to escape
13. the craving wins….too big, too desirable, I want this battle over
14. you acquire the thing (in this case, food) and you eat
15. you feel bad
16. you feel guilty, weak, unable to use your will to prevent eating compulsively
17. your mind turns its attention to you and what a s*&# person you are and attacks you for doing the very thing it suggested awhile ago
18. you need to be punished in order to come back to solid or neutral ground (you think), to pay
19. you over-exercise, criticize yourself, clean, stress, push, renew your vow to stay away, resist, create a new “plan of attack”
20. you hold it together, perhaps very disciplined for awhile
21. something disturbs you in reality
22. see #1

How do we actually interrupt this cycle?

It feels almost impossible, but it’s not.

The powerful way to interrupt this difficult cycle is to actually question what you oppose about reality when it’s threatening, hurting or boring you.

The person who rubbed you the wrong way. Your work life. Your boss. Your house. Your family of origin. Your thoughts about food itself. Your body and weight. All the events and situations you’ve ever experienced that have hurt, disturbed or annoyed you about reality, about life.

Now, if this sounds like a lot of work….is that actually true? (The first powerful question to ask using inquiry).

Isn’t overeating or being rigid about food a lot of work? All the energy, money, time and self-hatred it fills your life with….isn’t that overwhelming?

So may as well try this other approach, right?

1) Question your stressful thoughts

2) Notice love, feel pleasure, enjoy yourself more

How do you actually DO this inquiry thing?

The Work requires writing down your stressful beliefs, first. You need to see what you’re thinking, no matter how dumb, shameful or immature the thoughts are.

When it comes to food and eating, I encourage people to keep a notebook and write down their stressful stories. What frightened you, right before you thought about eating something? What bored you, right before you thought about eating something? What angered you, what troubled you, what were you thinking?

If you’ve had enough food to eat, but find yourself craving more….you can start with this simple thought:

“I need to eat more food in order to be happy.”

Now, let’s question it. These questions become a part of your life, bringing you relaxation and laughter instead of being ruled by a stressful belief. It’s so much easier to question thoughts, rather than act like they’re 100% true all day long!

First question: Is it true? Is it true you need to eat more food in order to be happy? Or to eat THAT special food, the one that causes problems when you eat it physically?

Can you absolutely know this is true you’ll be happy if you taste it and eat it?

No.

How do you react when you think the thought “I need to eat more food”?

How I used to react? I ate. I thought I couldn’t stand what was happening in my mind, in my present moment. I wanted to shift Uncomfortable Reality through eating sweet things, buttery things, things that weren’t “allowed”.

So who would you be without this thought that you need to eat more in order to be happy? Who would you be if you couldn’t have that thought enter your mind?

You might notice what you’re troubled by that isn’t food.

Maybe without the belief you need to eat more, you’re thrown back into the present moment and noticing how you’re not very fond of it, how you feel it could use some improvement, or how it feels frightening or uncomfortable.

But without the belief I need to eat in order to improve things or feel happier….

….I rest here. I might have strong feelings, but I don’t have the belief I need to eat more food to fix them.

I notice the food I’ve already eaten. I’m more aware of what my stomach and my body need, instead of “thinking” about what’s right or wrong in my head.

Without the belief I need food (or whatever else you move towards) in order to produce happiness….

….I’m free to Stop Eating.

I’m free to wait, to hold still, to enjoy this moment, to notice the disturbance I was afraid of before has actually passed, without me even trying to get rid of it.

Turning the thought around: I do not need to eat more food in order to be happy. I need to eat less food to be happy. I need to do The Work more in order to be happy. I need to take in and consume and really see my thinking in order to be happy, not eat more. I need to take in more of reality and life, instead of rejecting it, in order to be happy. I need more happiness to be happy (not more food).

I need to take in more of myself, all of myself, in order to be happy….rather than resisting what is, where I am, who I am.

Oh dear.

I got on a roll of planning and creative juices flowing and organizing for two upcoming biggies: Eating Peace Retreat (Jan 19-22) and Eating Peace Process (online immersion for 3 months–everyone who has already done the 3 month course, you’ll be included again as you have lifetime access, if you want to join).

I was feeling full of joy and energy, on how good this will be.

I spent some time taking notes, updating some details. I’m actually in an overview phase of my entire business and actually setting some “goals” (LOL, always a great unknown really).

Then, I emerged from my room into the kitchen-living room and saw it.

That. That. Dreadful Activity.

A computer game underway.

Ew.

What is up with that?

Such a waste of time! So boring! And he’s on his phone playing it! Why would he DO that? No wonder he gets nothing accomplished. Not a take-action person. Never going to achieve much of anything really exciting. Not a role model. Can’t amount to much. Won’t go down in history. No dreams ever getting realized.

Oh! Gosh!

I almost didn’t see you there! What was that you just said? Question my judgments about what I’m seeing, believing, and thinking? You want me to what? The Work of….what?

OH. The Work of Byron Katie!

That’s right.

LOL.

But that’s how fast and tricky the mind runs. At least my own, and I’ve heard others mention the same kind of thing.

Thoughts appear. Believing appears. Feelings appear. Unpleasant ones.

The thoughts and beliefs are sort of irritated. Not peaceful. Not gentle.

What would someone else’s electronic computer game have to do with me?

It seems my mind grabbed it for a moment, and decided it DID have something to do with me.

Is it true, though, that something about what I’m looking at (computer game being played by human I love) means something hard, wrong, difficult, off, troubling?

Am I sure it’s threatening, or depressing?

Haha. No.

Who would I be without the story he shouldn’t play that thing, or it’s better to be someone who is NOT interested in THAT?

I’d be laughing at the goofiness of the mind seeing a future of getting nothing done because of this moment. I’d be stunned by the incredible speed of the mind creating warning signs about life and the dangers of “wasting time” which I’m not even sure is possible.

It’s better not to play games. Achievement = x, y, z. Success means you spend all your time building A, working towards B, creating C.

Who or what would I be without this story? (And I notice this story is just about as repetitive, boring, dull and as wasteful as I think the game is).

I’d really look, without the thought.

I’d see the interesting colors and movements on a screen, and notice I’m only a little interested, and move past it into the kitchen to get water and make dinner.

Life living itself.

I’m not in charge. I’m not the boss.

What a crazed mind, that comes in and wants to take control in less than a flash of a vision using eyes, seeing a phone computer game cross it’s path.

Turning the flash thought around:

Such a fun use of time! So exciting for him! And he’s on his phone playing it! How incredible to be able to DO that! He gets fun, relaxation, joy and delight accomplished. Not a take-action person (what a relief, how restful). Never going to achieve much of anything really exciting (but will achieve so much that’s peaceful, quiet, simple, kind). He’s a role model showing that play is achievable. Play is available. Lovely to amount to less ego, less heaviness, less push, less drive. Won’t go down in history (thank goodness, we like a quiet life).

Dreams getting realized, right there in a chair with only a phone….unlike my mind, which seems to have needed him to be doing some other “approved” activity and being something other than he was.

Turning it around to myself:

Believing my thought in this flash of a vision–what a waste of time! So boring! Why would I DO that? No wonder I get lack-of-peace accomplished. I am not a take-action person, especially when it comes to Not Doing The Work as I walked by, until an hour later.

Never going to achieve much of anything really exciting, called joy, called deep peace, called freedom….unless I question my thoughts. I am not a role model, I’m walking by filled with judgment and criticism. This old story can’t amount to much, doesn’t help me or support me. This won’t go down in history as a new, fresh moment, a new way to see something rather than the same old-same old. My dreams never getting realized.

Wow.

All that in one split second of major judgment, never even spoken aloud.

How could it be brilliant genius that this person I love is showing me this fascinating activity he’s doing, called playing a game on his phone? (And it doesn’t mean I have to play one myself, or LOVE games from now on forever and ever).

In some ways, I don’t know. But it sure is super fun, and makes me laugh out loud, to see it can’t possibly mean anything terrible. It’s not an irritating thing I’m seeing and walking past, on my way from bedroom to kitchen.

It’s a strange, fascinating thing. I’m just here, watching the magic of reality.

I notice, without my stressful story….I ask him about what inspires him about playing, if he enjoys it, if it’s what he truly wants to be doing?

An important conversation is born. A loving, caring one.

“The pain you’re experiencing now is either remembered or anticipated, by the mind. So without remembering or anticipating, how can the pain exist? It’s a memory or a projection….and doing the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet allows you to be so in touch with the moment. As you continue to understand the beautiful mind, the creator of it all, you begin to understand the world that the mind projects….Eventually you can’t name it ‘pain’. It ceases to be true for you. You don’t know if it’s pain or pleasure.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Sending details about Eating Peace programs to the Eating Peace mailing list soon. Make sure you’re on that list if you want information about it. Two spots left now for the retreat. Everyone attending receives a follow-up individual session with me for no extra cost. Read more about it here.

Lately, I’ve noticed a recent trend of inquiry around comparison, jealousy, envy, worry about not achieving or losing out or missing the boat.

Individual clients, small groups I run, Year of Inquiry members.

Last First Friday Inquiry Jam (open to anyone and everyone–if it works for your time zone, we love having you)….

….we had two interesting and very stressful thoughts inquirers shared that were also close to this same kind of comparison suffering. They both had to do with situations with primary love partners where more attention was desired from the Significant Other.

Without the attention or love you prefer, what happens?

Disappointment, even fear.

I really want the love. I want the attention. I want the romance, curiosity, pleasure directed towards me.

The mind starts wondering WHY the person doesn’t appear interested. Maybe he doesn’t want to come be with me, or do this activity with me, because he prefer being with someone else?Maybe he doesn’t like me? Maybe he’s not interested, or bored, or finds me tiresome? Maybe he’s discovered I’m not who he thought I was?

The very same thoughts appear within, the same kinds of feelings, as in the Comparison Thinking I’ve described before.

If only I was better, more fun, more lively, a beacon of attraction. If only I was more confident, sexy, funny, intelligent, charismatic. If only I was a success.

There’s a great question to ask, to dig into discovery of where this track of thinking is born. Because really, when you’re full of self-criticism or self-defeating thoughts about yourself….this is only a reaction to another, more fundamental stressful belief.

The question to ask is this: What would I have, if I got the attention I’m seeking?

Another way to put it is….What would it give me? What would I know or think was true, if I got this attention, this connection, this sharing time, this love, this approval? What would it prevent or avoid or keep away, if I received it?

If I got the love (you know what it would look like if you got it) you’d feel…..what?

This exercise can be done with money, or attention of any kind, or support, or recognition.

When I get it, I’ll be happy (safe, secure, proud, rewarded, admired…you pick your equivalent of “happy”).

But is this true?

If my boss didn’t promote her, instead of me. If my mate looked at me with appreciation. If the publisher said we’re moving forward immediately with your book. If my body were thin, pure muscle or youthful. If I suddenly reached nirvana.

I’d be happy.

Are you sure?

Jeez. What a strange question. It seems like I’ve been seeing these stepping stones to happiness all my life.

But can I know it’s true if I had THAT….I’d be happy? Relaxed? Content? Secure?

I have no idea.

It’s very odd to realize, I don’t know if I had that, or got it, I’d no longer experience dread, or emptiness, or worry, or fear. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d encounter hardship and difficult times and experience all these feelings, just being alive, throughout my existence.

I notice WITH the thought/belief that something will bring me happiness (partner, money, recognition, fame, awakening) I’m hunting it down. I’m working on strategies to get there. I’m constantly seeking. I’m swinging between despair and hope.

Ugh.

Who would I be without this story that having “x” would bring happiness?

Now, this is a remarkable idea. A truly amazing meditation.

You mean, what if I didn’t actually need my partner to be like I want, or money to do what I prefer, or to earn some special reward or status, or to achieve a state of mind….

….to be happy right now, in this moment?

Turning it around: I do NOT need this imagined scene, or experience, or condition in order to be peaceful, relaxed, accepting, loving, safe….happy.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

Any examples, no matter how small, can work here.

Following the lovely inquirer’s from the First Free Friday call, let’s look at this turnaround with respect to wanting someone’s attention, love, or connection.

So, I do NOT need this person to say “yes” or act more attracted or be any different than they are.

Can you find examples?

“What would you be without this sad, sad story? He could never know who you really are anyway; it’s not possible. I say, skip the middleman, and be happy and free from where you are right now. Once we start doing that, we become so lovable that our children [our partners] are attracted to us. They have to be. The storyteller’s mind, the projector of the story, has changed, so what you project as a world has to change. When I am clear, my children [my partner] has to love me; they have no choice. Love is all that I’m able to project, or see.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 44

Yes, I can find examples. I’m sitting in the present moment, noticing air and breathing in, I feel the ground beneath my feet as I stand, looking at the one who is apparently my partner. I feel the joy of being alive. I’m not physically suffering in any way.

You can keep going, finding examples of what is true in your situation. How is it you are happy, except for your thinking (in spite of your thinking)?

Turn the thought around again: I need my own attention, love, respect, security….for myself, for being me. My thinking needs these things from an outside source, called a mate or partner. But only my thinking (and it’s not the Great Authority, I notice).

Yes. I see the freedom, and even laughter and joy, if I don’t believe I need love from someone else in this world. If I don’t believe I need money in order to feel secure. If I don’t believe I need a thin, or healthy or perfect body in order to feel proud. If I don’t believe I need something outside of me in order to be happy (even enlightenment).

What if I were absolutely OK the way I am right now, right now, now, now. What if there was nothing I could do

“How can your husband be the problem? You’re trying to alter reality. This is confusion. I’m a lover of reality. I can always count on it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 50

“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”

The honest stories of what the day of thanksgiving represents are a combination, truthfully, of gratitude and deep desperate grief. Violence and rest. Conquering and surrendering. War and peace. Beginnings and endings. Duality.

The way of it.

What I notice about the experience of reality is it changes, and appears to include all things: very difficult, very beautiful.

And suffering, that is repeating what is difficult, appears to come out of believing painful thoughts.

Get away from THOSE people, be like THIS, don’t to THAT, don’t listen to your heart, DEFEND, use force to find safety, demand, be right, MAKE yourself be grateful.

Gasp.

Did I just say that?

Did I just imply you can be violent on yourself and your own mind by telling yourself you SHOULD be grateful, especially on Thanksgiving?

Yes, because before I did The Work, I had many beliefs about how people were supposed to act and “think” that look very good from the outside, but are not necessarily kind.

You should be grateful, giving, you should make donations, you should be thoughtful, you should be nice to your relatives, you should get along with everyone. You should eat turkey. (LOL).

What I noticed is, if I really wanted to question my suffering, then EVERYTHING was up for inquiry. Including the TO-DO commandments and any beliefs I had about how people (including me) should act, think, feel, or be.

I was interested in The Work because not only were other people, places, things and events not measuring up to perfection, but most importantly, neither was I.

I’m not too sure the experience of people traveling, leaving home, immigrating, journeying or being invaded has been all that sweet.

I’m pretty sure it’s been exceptionally sour at times, even bitter, and devastating.

But what if we could find peace, anyway? Even in the midst of chaos, war, emotional wounds, worry, fear.

Give me your tired, your poor repetitive stressful thoughts….

….all those stories and beliefs huddled together yearning to breathe free, the wretched discarded waste of believing….all piled up cluttering the senses and teeming over your consciousness. All those pictures, images, experiences in the past, being remembered over and over again.

Send all those stories and ingrained beliefs and unquestioned tales of suffering with no place to ever call home, all tossed around wildly through memories, gossip, fear, getting triggered….

….send all those beliefs to Inquiry! A lamp that can take anyone through a golden door!

I know, I know, it sounds very dramatic and flowery, but I’ve seen people (including yours truly) find deeply unexpected peace by questioning thoughts, rather than trying to get themselves, other people, places, or events to change.

What a relief. What a powerful experience of energizing, creating, inventing something new, or returning to something very ancient and familiar and loving.

So I’m excited that tomorrow on USA Thanksgiving morning I’ll get on the phone with lovely inquirers from 8-9:30 am to dive into The Work. Jump on any time. Bring your thoughts on election results, those other people who are upset about the election results, family disturbances, concerns for the holidays, fears, sadness, what you’re against.

This is for the places we don’t exactly feel thankful.

Which is one of the first things I love about The Work: you get to be babyish, immature, ridiculous, nasty, resentful, rude….all on paper.

Let it out! Don’t hold back!

Simply being honest, writing it down.

You don’t have to speak, share or even say one thing out loud on our call–you can use the time to listen and meditate on your own inquiry experience.

Another thing I love about The Work so much is that you get to answer the questions….YOUR answers. Not one single other person’s answers, not answers you SHOULD answer if you were polite and kind.

You really get to sit and contemplate the truth, for yourself, and wonder what it’s like if you didn’t believe everything you think.

I’ve found it to be exceptionally liberating and life-changing.

To not believe I must fight, assert, push against, clench my fists, or argue in order to be safe, loving, or free….

….this is amazing.

Join me Thursday if you can, I’d love to have you there, no matter what kind of thoughts you’ve ever had. You are welcome. So are your thoughts.

Come early to save your spot: Thanksgiving Thursday Online Inquiry.

“If you believe that anyone’s action is bad, how can you see the good in it? How can you see the good that comes out of it, maybe years later? If you see anyone as bad, how can you understand that we are all created equal? We’re all teachers by the way we live. A blind drunk can teach more about why not to drink than an abstinent man in all his piety. No one has more or less goodness. No one who ever lived is a better or a worse human being than you.” ~ Byron Katie

Somehow lately I’ve had not only individual clients, but a whole group of people in their own parent coaching program, doing The Work with me on parenting issues (thank you Jacqueline Green for inviting me to work with your group).

Taking care of another person who is less capable or able or adept than you are.

Sometimes, a very distressing area of concern.

So many troubling thoughts about the magnitude of responsibility we feel for our kids (or those others we’re caring for).

It’s been awhile since I’ve thought as much as I once did about trouble with kids. But I did spend a whole lot of time in the past on them, and on criticizing myself as a mom.

Lately not just one, but three parents expressed their greatest fury was with themselves more than their kids. I was reminded of the power of thoughts on our experience of parenting….

….and the huge relief of questioning them.

(If you’re interested in reading the ebook Top Most Stressful Thoughts Parents have that keep them struggling with their kids, you can download it here).

But here are a few of the Biggies right now:

I could ruin their lives, I’m The One guiding them. They should be like “x”, or “y”. I need them to act like good, polite, productive citizens. To share, to stop hitting, to say they’re sorry, to be admirable.

And oh, the worst most stressful thought: If they have a hard time, in any way whatsoever….it’s my fault.

So picture a moment where your kid is doing what they’re doing, and you are so troubled by it.

A wonderful long-term inquirer who’s been in Year of Inquiry several times recently said she felt anxious as her son was dropping out of college.

A dad worked with me recently on his ten year old who was being critical and mean.

Another mom worked with me on feeling upset when her kids started yelling at each other, and the older one smacked the younger one. She went ballistic herself

Maybe your kid is refusing to clean up their art project, or move out, or get a job, or turn out the light at bedtime.

It’s the fault of the parent if a kid is doing something disturbing or impolite or unexpected.

Is it true?

Yes. If only I had been more clear, earlier in life. If only I had been more stable emotionally. If only I had communicated more maturely. If only…..

My fault.

People feel this way all the time when their kids get into drugs, or have eating disorders, or feel suicidal. I contributed. I didn’t help. I’m inadequate. I was a terrible role model.

Is that really true, though? Are you sure you’re in charge? Are you sure you’re the central “cause” of their suffering or trouble? Are you positive, with no doubt whatsoever, that YOU have such a big role in this child’s problem?

No.

I’m there, I’m a part of it, sure—but the creator of it? The one who made it happen?

I notice, I’m not that powerful.

Just like I discovered about my own parents from doing The Work on them.

How do you react when you believe it’s your fault?

It’s agonizing.

I’m in that kid’s business every single day, trying to brainstorm ways he can succeed, having ideas that might “help” him. I send him emails with to-do steps. I work harder. I work on myself with a vengeance.

Some parents report feeling really, really, really awful about themselves, and practically like they’d be better off dead.

But who would you be without this story?

When I first did this work, I had a sudden AH-HA about this belief that’s very stressful in our culture: parents are the cause of their children’s agony.

It’s in many theories of psychology, and we’ve all analyzed the personalities of our parents.

Nothing wrong with looking at what we experienced (not at all) but are you sure this collective belief is useful to believe that the fault lies with the parents when their kids suffer?

Are you sure YOUR parents caused your trouble?

Who would you be without this really pervasive, stressful story?

Without that thought, I realized, wow….I’m responsible, not my mom, not my dad.

So are my kids.

Now, this is not an excuse to pile on the guilt even higher. Instead, just feel into who or what you would be, without the story of it being anyone’s fault at all.

No more need to sort out this parent-child relationship thing endlessly.

Doing The Work on our parents is fantastic (and deeply valuable), very freeing and full of insights, but then let’s step back into the present moment, and see our lives freshly with new eyes.

How would I feel and behave, without my story that it’s my fault what happens with my kids? How would I think, feel, act without the story it’s my parents’ fault what happened with me

Woah.

Turning the thought around: it’s NOT my fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s their fault. There is no “fault”.

Could that be just as true, or truer?

“If you want to be a lover, you gotta be a lover of what is. Period. End of story. And if there’s contraction, you’ve got to be intimate with that….There’s a scream saying “no” but love says “yes”. Unconditional love is not trying to change anything!” ~ Adyashanti

Unconditional love is not trying to get you fixed as a parent. It doesn’t think you’re a mistake. Or you did it incorrectly, or wrong.

Here we are, all imperfect and trying and caring deeply about this dynamic between child and parent.

(Or between ourselves and ANYONE right now, who might need help)…

Could you be enough, for your kid, since you’re the one apparently the parent, in this lifetime? Could you be enough, for you?

Could you be enough, if you’re taking care of someone who’s incapacitated in some way?

I remember recognizing the difference between relaxing, surrendering, trusting the way life was unfolding for my kids without lecturing them or getting upset or making suggestions….

….and instead, listening.

I noticed, they responded more openly and shared a lot more when I wasn’t hitting myself (mentally) with a stick.

Together, we wondered about how things might work out. Together, there was talking happening, and ideas, and me fascinated with what was occurring, and love. Lots of love.  With an unknown future.

And if I was nervous or stressed….I knew what to do. Take it to inquiry, on paper.

This brings me to unconditional love, every time.

It brings me to being someone without a stressful story–about me, or my kids. One thought at a time.

Speaking of family. If you’d like to join inquirers together on the phone, writing down your thoughts, moving through The Work of Byron Katie, questioning stress….come to my free gathering for USA Thanksgiving from 8:00-9:30 am Pacific Time.

Open to everyone, just bring a pen and paper or your writing device, the spirit of meditation and contemplation, and your willingness to question your thinking.

Save this email so you can connect with us all on Thursday morning this week and choose to dial-in using your phone or your computer. If you want to listen-only, select WebCast. If you’d like to be able to share out loud or ask questions, select Web-Call.

Join here: Thanksgiving Inquiry

Who would you be without the story it’s your fault?

Much love,

Grace

Love.

There are many common themes amongst humans that seem to cause great suffering.

But “love” is a doozy.

Romantic love, or family love.

This is the “love” experienced between people who share space and time together, maybe for many years, or who are born right into it, who share assets and plans.

One of the most disturbing arenas of love is when it’s unrequited.

As in, one person’s really All In, but the other is basically All Out.

Or Mostly Out.

Many love songs are written about this experience, but it does happen in families, too.

A dad wants to see his kid after years of neglect, but the son refuses to forgive and refuses to let bygones be bygones.

One person reaches for the other. One person wants to run for their life.

I like to call it “chasing”.

It’s really not that great for either party, you know? Maybe in a game of tag it’s super fun, but just about any other place between two people relating to one another, it’s disappointing, desperate, or dramatic.

At best not quite what you hope. At worst, devastating.

Awhile ago, I did The Work with a woman who had lived with a man for several years in a big bustling urban city apartment. They had known each other since age ten. At some point in their twenties, they split up and lived separately and went off on adventures, but now they were spending time together again in their forties. They had never lost touch.

The guy was over the moon with the woman.

Like, “she’s my whole world, she’s the only one I’ve ever really loved. Everyone else has paled in comparison. I love her so, so much. My life is nothing without her.”

As the woman shared these words with me, I kind of flinched.

Ewww.

I joined her for a moment as she read her worksheet to me about the thoughts she had identified about him.

My thoughts were following along with her, saying to myself “Yeah, that IS too needy, he IS wanting her too much, he IS acting too clingy. Gross. What’s she doing with a guy who acts like that?”

Then I caught my own mind agreeing with her, and I remembered right away, I have no idea what’s going on here. What I’m here to do is facilitate this woman through her upset thoughts about this moon-eyed over-the-top man in her life who has supposedly loved her his entire life.

The woman doing The Work wanted to inquire. She wanted to know the truth, and so did I.

“He’s too enamored.”

Is it true?

She said yes. I was thinking “yes”, too, based on the story I heard. Can’t he give it a rest and get on with his life?

Can you absolutely know it’s true, though, that he’s too enamored?

No. Not at all.

In fact, what’s the trouble with someone being enamored? What’s the problem? (I didn’t ask the woman this question out loud. I wondered about it within).

I remembered someone from my own past. Someone I had the very same kinds of thoughts about.

Wow, it sure seemed true. It seemed like it was too much. I called him obsessive, delusional.

How do you react when you believe he’s too enamored? Too in love? Too dreamy-eyed? Too…too?

The woman replied “I want to get in my car and drive across country, just to put as much space between us as possible.”

Run for your life! Suffocation! Get me outta here!

It’s really powerful to consider why, though, instead of so quickly bolting for the door. What’s the threat? What’s so scary about someone worshiping the ground you walk on, if they do?

Hmmmm.

Well, it feels like they don’t enjoy their own company enough. Something’s off. They aren’t easy-going and relaxed. Something inside is demanding, and a little freaky. They’re expecting something in return. They want….what? Security, pleasure, to feel loved. It seems like they can’t get it for themselves, so they’re fixated on someone else. It’s obsessive. Weird. The worst case scenario would be stalking.

In the fall retreat last month, I had everyone think of three people, public figures who really bugged them or frightened them, or people in their person lives they had found extremely difficult to be around.

Long ago when I did this same exercise, one of the people on my list was the guy who assassinated the president for Jodie Foster. I couldn’t even remember his full name, but he totally grossed me out. This is the extreme version of the very same energy of neediness, of a demand for attention or love.

So who would you be without this story, that he is TOO enamored, in love, full of craving, demanding, needy, available?

What….you mean John Hinckley Junior isn’t “too”?

Well, this isn’t about denying the man is acting or saying something different than he is. It’s not pretending you don’t see some kind of desperate energy happening.

It’s feeling who YOU are, without the thought running through your mind every minute.

What I notice is….I still move away from that person.

I also see he’s scared, likely doing the best he can, unaware, unable to sit with himself silently for some reason. He’s willing to care about someone in his imagination, not the “real” person, who he has little genuine contact with.

I remember having crushes, and also feeling the addictive pull of food and eating, so long ago.

I know how horrible it feels to “love” (reach) so hard, to believe being you is not enough or boring or unfinished or incomplete.

Oh man. Here comes the Turnaround. I myself have been too enamored, reaching, clingy, desperate.

When I was young (OK, later in life as well) I treated my concept of “God” this same CHASING way. Why aren’t you paying attention to me, God? Stay with me! Don’t leave! Pleeeeeeeasssse! I want you! I love you soooooo much! Why don’t you love me as much as I love you, or with the same specialness? Where are you? You should help me, why aren’t you present?

I know, it’s kind of embarrassing.

But there really was a part of me completely attached to my thoughts like this, and they REALLY hurt because it means my view of myself is Not Good Enough and God/Spirit/Source was out there being perfect somewhere without me. Ow.

Turning the thought around again: That person is NOT too enamored. I am too detached and being too much of a runner….I am too enamored with my own objects of desire. Or too enamored with detachment. Too enamored with Not being myself.

I notice I’m OK, even if that person wishes I would give them more attention.

The woman I was working with noticed she had her own completely free independent life, no matter what her man friend was thinking.

She saw how she could be in her own business, and not concerned with his, not dictating how he should feel and act.

What a relief to remain in your own business, and not in someone else’s.

If you think someone else is infatuated….where have you been infatuated, and how can YOU be healthy, breath deep, enjoy yourself, and be completely clear and honest with both yourself and that other person?

Who knows.

As soon as you’re really clear, living your turnaround of loving your own ways and not judging someone else’s desires as “wrong”….

….they might become uninterested in you.

Good.

As I did many years ago, when I realized this same type of situation of someone chasing after me and realizing how painful it was for everyone involved, I asked for no contact and space and silence. It felt like the most loving thing to do, even though my mind was screaming that it’s rude to cut people off or say goodbye.

But how amazing to inquire. What if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do?

Be honest. That’s it.

Much love,

Grace