In the Eating Peace Core Teleclass, we explore how the mind takes over our experience of eating and our relationship to food becomes eating war, not eating peace.
But when you travel and leave home or are faced with something different and unusual with eating, anxiety and war-like thoughts might become even MORE difficult.
When you leave home, or change something familiar….even going out to eat at a new restaurant or attending a meal at someone’s home….
….many people with eating concerns think “Oh no, what will they serve? What will I eat? Will it be OK? I might overeat! I might not get enough! I’ll probably gain weight!” and on and ond with fearful anxious thoughts.
First, take a deep breath.
(What I always love to call the “first course” of any meal….a deep breath).
Then, do this (watch the video). Nothing else required.
If you’re ready to join the next Eating Peace Core teleclass, the next one is 8 weeks (instead of 6) and we’ll meet on Mondays 5:30-7:00 pm Pacific time starting May 9th. (Yes, you can listen to the recordings if you can’t make it live….and I will also offer this course on a morning hour in the future as well Pacific Time if this works better with your schedule).
Module One: (weeks one and two) Underlying Beliefs that fuel eating off-balance and the Food Plan. Should you follow a food plan, or not? I’ll share when it’s a good idea, and when not. I’ll also share the most common underlying beliefs I’ve found that create eating havoc. You’ll send me your peaceful food plan and I’ll share mine with you.
Module Two: (weeks three and four) Judging Bodies. What are your thoughts about how you should look, or what those other people look like? What do you think of other perfect bodies? We’ll explore why we
Module Three: (weeks five and six) Who Taught You? Here we look at what we innocently learned from those around us, whether family of origin or society or both. We learn to disconnect our actions from what we thought was “truth” about eating.
Module Four: (weeks seven and eight) Peace Beyond Beliefs. We look even deeper at the underlying beliefs, including what we’re thinking there’s Not Enough or Too Much of in our lives that isn’t food.
If you’d like to come along on this journey, the core eating peace teleclass is a wonderful way to look closely at your relationship with food and what thoughts and feelings take you away from the natural peace within.
All you need to join the course is a phone, or skype, or any way to dial the number or connect to the event via computer. The course is audio only (not video). We will have only a small handful of people so I can give you personal attention on this journey.
My friend and colleague Doug Foresta (creative, thoughtful and hilarious too) interviewed me on his Empower Radio show. Listen as we talk about peace and he asks me….what is peace and how do we access it anyway, and other cool questions that I usually ask other people.
***********
Right Now, I have enough time.
So I’m not sure how it happened…..
….(OK, OK I know I am actually the person who said “yes” to my own calendar schedule, why’d you have to remind me?)….
….but I’m starting TWO teleclasses in the next ten days followed by a 3 day retreat here in Seattle area where we’ll be doing The Work and focusing deeply on how we create, feel and live the turnarounds we find when we do The Work (very cool exercises to help facilitate this together).
I seriously did not plan starting two teleclasses plus a retreat in such a condensed period of time on purpose.
I never would do that.
Except this statement appears to be untrue. As it turns out, I’m probably doing that.
Do you ever feel a time crunch scheduling conflict, and you’re a little stressed about the load?
Or, perhaps, it’s completely impossible to do what you think you wanted to do in the amount of time you had available to do it in?
Oy vey.
I need more time.
It’s sooooo true!
We’ve done similar inquiry before, but let’s see what happens today as we look more deeply at why we need more time, and what’s really going on with this belief “I need more time.”
This is one of those top-hit repeating thoughts. A stressful belief that appears and re-appears over and over.
So….why?
Why do you need more time?
Because I have special things to say about the Relationships Course and they need to be written, then shared, and special things to say about the Eating Peace course, and two different mailing lists of people interested in them, and I should tell them about what they’re like so they can decide if its a good time for them to take the plunge and do The Work in these areas.
Writing and making announcements takes time!
But I’m off in the hinterlands to hang out on the earth with a small tribe doing more non-writing-ish things. I won’t have my computer with me much. Although this hasn’t stopped me before.
Why do I need to write about my courses?
So people know about them, so they can opt-in and sign up. You can’t actually run a course or a retreat without people participating in it….right??!
(Not actually true, I realize. I can do The Work myself in quiet solitude and have a fabulous time being student and facilitator….although I’m pretty dang sure I wouldn’t sit as still, nor as quietly, nor as long, if on my own. But that’s another inquiry.)
Funny, though….having people enrolled seems important. It seems necessary. Maybe even critical for making this business of service in The Work to happen. How else do I join with others to do inquiry? How else do I earn a living?
This is VERY IMPORTANT!!
I do know, however, that creating offerings and sharing them with the world can be done stress-free (amazing, but true) and without the belief “I need more time!” screaming in my ears.
If you feel like you really need more time to complete something, or accomplish it the way you want, then this inquiry is for you.
This inquiry can happen when you’re on a freeway stuck in traffic and you’re late. It can happen if your biological clock is ticking and pretty soon it won’t be possible to have children. It can happen if you’re aging and you want to live to see more happen. It can happen if someone you love dearly is moving away, or terminally ill. It can happen if a buzzer just went off and you had to stop doing whatever you were doing.
I need more time….so I can savor what’s happening much longer, so I can not feel the loss, so I can feel filled up, so I can be satisfied, successful, achieve what I want, accomplish the dream, or live.
It’s a pretty big deal, this needing more time. A lot is hanging on it.
How do you react when you believe you need more time?
I make lists, sometimes physically but mostly in my head. I think since there’s pressure to get stuff done in a certain amount of time, I have to be hyper clear, on task, no “wasted” time. I feel a rushed energy within, tight and tense.
If someone interrupts you, and you’re believing you need more time, how do you treat that person? (Visions of telling my daughter NOT NOW when she burst through the door to my room).
Sometimes, with this belief, there’s sadness. Hand wringing. Fear. Pictures of what’s to come….like death, life over, time run out. I think about my dad dying long ago. I needed more time with him.
But who would you be without this thought that you need more time?
What if all those things you need more time for, can wait….or aren’t really necessary for happiness, right now?
Wait. What?
I don’t need more time with my dad, in order to be happy? I don’t need more time to wake up and get enlightened? I don’t need more time to make money?
Huh.
What if you stopped, in this moment, and noticed the space you’re in. Are you OK? What’s going on right now, no matter what the date, year, or hour on the clock says?
Ha ha, for me, I notice my body is ready to take a walk, not write. I put on my coat and slip my phone/camera into one pocket and my wallet in the other of my heavy down coat. I walk out on the street of this new city I’m in, where I’ve never been before. I stop in a little organic grocery mart and get some yummy food in a little bag, snack size. I step out again and begin to walk, having no mental idea of where I am, looking around at the buildings with fascination.
I stop sometimes and take a picture, I love buildings so much. I notice the odd arrangement of huge brick Victorian houses next to weird 1960s complexes. I walk and walk and breathe in the air and stare at the people, listen to the French and the English being spoken, and drink in the street.
And then, I turn a corner and before my eyes appears a massive gigantic building rising in the distance with a tall tower reminiscent of Big Ben in London, with gargoyles and flowery decor and massive windows, all across an expansive lawn. As I walk, I’m in the middle of a huge central square, and right near me a big beautiful flame burning as the sun sets in a sort of tureen in the middle of a wide stately walk.
Welcome to the Parliament of Canada, I read on the sign.
I had no idea this was here.
I do not need more time.
Could this opposite point of view be truer?
“Focus your attention on the now and tell me what problem you have at this moment….You are leaving behind the deadening world of mental abstraction, of time. You are getting out of the insane mind that is draining you of life energy, just as it is slowly poisoning and destroying the Earth. You are awakening out of the dream of time into the present.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Much love,
Grace
P.S. For either telecourse, or the retreat, you need no experience in self-inquiry. Come. Something in your mind produces stress when it comes to love, or that one particular relationship. Some thought in your mind produces agony when it comes to eating. Troubling thoughts about reality create a troubling reality. Come to teleclass, or to retreat in Seattle, and turn in the direction of peace.
Today I’m headed to the distant reaches north of Ottawa, to a cold (snow flurries recently reported) remote area to participate in Orphan Wisdom School with the good Stephen Jenkinson.
I’ll be taking my trusty laptop and sharing with you some of what happens there for me, especially when it comes to the power of self-inquiry and being on this beautiful and crazy planet. Who knows what will happen. Stay tuned!
********
Grace Bell facilitating – notice the new gamer headphones, extremely hip. My game is inquiry, apparently.
During the past year, I’ve been doing more and more mini retreats, something I offered for the first time several years ago: a short intense half-day session doing The Work with a small group.
People come from all walks of life, and I’ve offered them online and in person.
This format morphed into mini-retreats-for-one, where a client and I meet for three hours whether in person or on facetime or skype or facebook video call. The amount of time feels luxurious and incredibly powerful and helpful.
The number of people taking this option has exponentially increased, maybe because it’s such a sweet deep dive. It’s amazing to have the time available to really go beyond the traditional once per week 50 minute sessions in many healing professions (this way isn’t always ideal for everyone).
I wanted to make sure you knew this was an option for you. If you’re concerned with anxiety, eating issues, a really difficult relationship (or lack of one) or trouble at your job, career, a co-worker, it can be awesome to sit with your mind and a facilitator for 3 whole hours.
What I didn’t expect was that people who chose this format for meeting….would want to come back two weeks later for another mini retreat. As long as I have room and space, I’ll do this for the significantly smaller fee than the usual rate for solo sessions (3 hours for mini retreats right now = $225).
So why is this way working, I wondered?
I didn’t even think I had enough 3-hour chunks in my schedule to find space, but they keep appearing to open up just right, for example for a condensed version of inquiry on weekends, or evenings when it’s only 5 pm my time, but 10 am for the inquirer in their time zone.
And why is it working for the inquirers who love to take the time and space to work this mini-retreat way?
I see these five reasons why:
1) there is time for the inquirer to express the presenting “problem” which is a person, situation, condition, a feeling they don’t like about their lives….so they feel heard.
2) with a few questions and further investigation, a MORE critical or worrisome or frightening problem often appears. A childhood memory comes forth, a moment with a parent, or a very stressful time in life with change. These come into focus….like we’re detecting the true source of the trouble, the proof or evidence of suffering they’ve carried with them sometimes for years.
3) The inquirer gets to contemplate and meditate on the Judge Your Neighbor questions very deeply (not the way we usually do things on our own, at least I sure didn’t). When these beliefs are identified, then you’ve got your direction. I do the writing for the inquirers, they sit still and give all their attention to simply answering the questions, nothing more required. (If you want to see the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet questions, they’re right here).
4) We inquire into stressful belief(s) using the four questions. We relax and take a short break if needed part way through for just 5 – 10 minutes (or not). We let The Work run the session.
5) The inquirer is left with clear Next Steps. Other situations or scenes to explore and investigate. We’ve taken time to start at the surface, and then look into the fog, clearing out the cloud cover and finding it’s safe to go deeper.
Another way to spend more time slowing down to discover what really disturbs you is to take a small class with others. Meeting once a week for 6 or 8 sessions is such an awesome way to anchor your time in inquiry (and spend less, but also learn from hearing other peoples’ inquiry work).
Whichever way you enter inquiry, I personally think the mind finds it too slow.
Can’t this go faster? Can’t I just get a quick one-sentence answer to life? Can’t someone tell me how to calm down and chill?
Well….maybe that’d be nice….but not really, no.
It just doesn’t work the “fast” way. You don’t really want it super fast, anyway–you want the truth, not some quick answer, right?
Really, the only way I ever found to enter peace was to look into what caused me, personally (it seemed) to move OUT of peace.
I had to tell and question my story, to respect my story, to honor my story for being like a two year old. I had to give it the time it deserved because it was the only one I had.
As I look back at myself doing The Work, and all the incredible inquirers who appear in my life for facilitation….what I see is we all have to start at the very beginning (like Maria in the Sound of Music). We look at the difficult, stressful stories of suffering we’ve been living out, sometimes for our entire lives.
But now, we get to wonder….is it true?
“So in the beginning, to deeply inquire about anything, you have to care about it. You have to care enough to allow it to get inside that shell. What do you really care about? What pulls you into here and now, this minute? What is the most important thing to you? For real inquiry, it is important to be asking about something you sincerely care about. The question needs to be personal, not about a spiritual teaching or something that’s outside of your experience. It needs to be something that’s coming from the inside.” ~ Adyashanti
Are you ready to join a small group or have your own one-to-one solo session(s)? If so, I’d love to work with you. It’s the greatest honor I have in my life….exploring what we truly, honestly care about and finding out what’s actually true, for ourselves.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Relationship Hell To Heaven is a 6 week telecourse starting Weds, May 4th. We meet 9-10:30 am Pacific Time, and all you need to begin is a willingness to clearly notice what your stressful story is about ANY relationship in your life (mom, dad, brother, sister, neighbor, spouse, boss) and dig into the beliefs you have about that person without editing yourself. What an awesome place to do it, in a telegroup. You’ll start to feel less embarrassed about your thoughts, you’ll be inspired by others, you might even feel normal, and free, and discover solutions you haven’t thought of before. Register here. Join me in the Peace Movement.
Since I’m getting ready to teach a six week telecourse on relationships, I’ve taken close notice when clients or friends talk about views they have of relationships lately.
Especially love relationships.
(Although in this teleclass, people wind up choosing any one relationship to look at closely if it’s been bugging you a long time: mom, dad, teenager, co-worker…anyone who disturbs your peace is a great place to start).
The other night, I had an interesting email exchange with an old friend.
He was pining for someone he had a crush on at age 13.
But before you think he’s over-romanticizing the past, or being stuck in teenage love, before you judge him as someone trapped in the limited world view of first-young-love is the best….
….just think a minute about how you, or others you know, sometimes drum up images of former lovers, crushes, the one-that-got-away, those dreamy days when you felt the flame of love, that wild intense unstable romantic fling, that weekend with so-and-so twenty years ago.
Often, we humans like to review our past history of relationships, especially romance, it seems. We love to tell our relationship stories. I dated this person, then that person, then this other person. With person A it was 2 years, person B it lasted 3 months, person C I married then divorced, person D it was a one week fling.
It was like this, then that, and then….
It’s funny then how the mind can rate time with a partner as “fantastic” or “troubled” or “dangerous” or “a mess” or “complicated”.
And the mind can really tell a story of how there’s a relationship out there that’s ideal, in the future or in the past.
My friend was saying his relationship, the teenage one so long ago, was “pure”. Sweet, easy, uncomplicated, innocent, fresh.
Then I noticed a little irritated thought arising in me, as I listened to him.
He should wake up and ask himself if it’s really true that his 13 year old first girlfriend was true love. AS IF.
Yeah.
Why is he thinking this way?
He needs to get a life. He’s stuck in some kind of false loop. What an unrealistic way of thinking. It’s sooooo sad.
All kinds of advice began to arise in me, for him.
He’s so blocked, needy, delusional. Ick.
And then….the question popped in from somewhere on the side of this whole list of judgments against my poor old friend, so “off” in his thinking, and my feelings of irritation.
Is it true?
Oh. Hmm. No idea.
I don’t know really what he’s actually thinking when he says he’s dreaming of his teen years. I don’t know what he’s suggesting, or even talking about, or wanting, or remembering exactly. I don’t know what purpose it serves him.
Why do I find it worthy of such inner disgust and criticism, when my friend says he still remembers that 13 year old girl he loved and confesses he thinks of her?
How do I react when I believe he needs to stop going over past relationships and get a life?
I’m grossed out. Dismissive. I’m thinking he’s delusional. And lost.
I move away from him internally. I go on a rant about romantic love, thinking it’s ridiculous what people expect. And impossible, and sad.
I imagine myself to be above all that.
Oh, dang.
Who would I be without these judgments towards my friend, or anyone who pines for a past lover, or wants to go back to a previous time in life?
I’d just hear someone doing the thing we all do sometimes: live in the past.
Without the belief that he shouldn’t think the way he does (and this could go for anyone, any time) I’m free to hear him, listen to his words, and not smack his words down (on the inside).
I hear someone using words to express what’s going on for him in that moment, but without the thought he shouldn’t be thinking the way he does, the words are like the wind blowing. I’m reading words on a screen, actually. Nothing else is even happening.
Without the belief that someone should think about love differently than they do, I relax back into my own business, my own presence, the room I’m sitting in.
Turning the thought around: he’s “on” in his thinking–it’s just right for him, it’s just right for me to be taking in through email. I’m the one who’s pining for the past and can’t let go. I’m the one creating stories about love and romance that are just….stories.
How could it be a good thing I had this email conversation with my friend, and hear what he’s saying?
Well, for one thing, I see where I really want to go: I want to enjoy and love whatever’s happening now, including philosophizing about love and memories of the past. I don’t want to wish for anything that’s not happening, now (including my friend writing what he thinks to me). I want to keep on discovering this remarkable experience of being my own best lover.
I want to trust the Universe and Reality have got this….even for the people who are longing, sad, pining and wishing for love to be different than it is.
And then….a turnaround hit me like a ton of bricks, breaking apart my “I-am-above-this” kind of snooty thinking about my friend.
I am sitting here, wishing HE was different, so I was basically doing the very same thing he was. I wasn’t being totally honest either. I didn’t ever say, with kindness….”Do you really want to be with your girlfriend from 8th grade, for real?” and actually listen to what he had to say, rather than assuming the worst.
“As long as you are seeking something from them–whether it’s love, approval, acceptance, or security–or you simply want them to think well of you, there is always fear involved, fear of loss. You are secretly adapting your behavior, changing what you say, hiding what you really feel, being careful, in order to ensure that they keep giving you what you want….Getting honest about what you are seeking is always the key. And this honesty always begins and ends with you.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Oh.
I realize, not speaking up or asking him if I heard him right (instead of judging him instantly) I was maintaining my do-not-rock-the-boat position. I secretly wanted to ditch the conversation….not so honest of me. I was imagining I had it more together than him.
Instead, I could have asked him some questions. He wasn’t even saying he was upset, now that I think about it. Maybe he likes remembering his first love!
Who was delusional? Blocked? Needy? Stuck in some kind of false loop or way of thinking about love?
I guess that was me.
Excuse me, I have an email to respond to. One that’s written with an interest in love, friendship and connection, rather than judgment, teaching, separation and superiority.
No wonder he thought his 13 year old girlfriend was more fun.
Teaching Eating Peace Retreat recently in California was magnificent.
I always love who appears to share the freedom of slowing down, stopping, holding still on a moment and identifying the thoughts that come alive in the presence of food.
Memories from the past, the people who raised us, the experience of being with food and eating it can all be present in this moment now, when we’re eating.
Together, we went back and looked at situations and our history, and at what we projected into the future that might happen that seemed scary.
If you’re wondering how to do this….today I’m sharing my January Eating Peace talk from the Institute for The Work convention (Byron Katie and certified facilitators in the audience). I didn’t know it would be filmed when I was there, but so honored it was and so happy to share it with you now.
This is the way to begin to understand and end your experience of eating off-balance.
Knowing you can discover peace with everything, including food and your body.
what is really unbearable here? separation…..or Unity with everything?
Yesterday in Year of Inquiry people read their worksheets at the beginning of our call, as always (and as I also say to everyone….if you don’t have a worksheet, you are ALWAYS still welcome).
Scenes of being left out emerged, or fear of criticism.
I rotate people in to take turns offering the thought to question, and the woman whose turn it was shared her situation with us.
A moment when she’s watching her partner express love and openness…..and it’s not to her.
The speedy quick lightening bolt of “I am left out” arises, almost without words.
The mind is so quick in its assessments, isn’t it?
I have one of those moments, from the past, and I still remember it vividly, it was so fascinating….
I was loving getting to know a man who I found very unusual, quirky and adorable. It was mid-life and after divorce and something about this man was very different and not the typical type of guy I had been attracted to in the past.
He was the facilitator/instructor of a dance I started attending. For a long time, I participated and noticed him and honestly, found it quite wonderful that he didn’t approach me, look at me, or try to dance with me. (I was very inward in a rather exciting, moving, wild way and dancing without words and without obligation facilitated this inward movement of change brilliantly).
The moment I remember so vividly was after this new man in my life had become a companion for a few months.
I was no longer so inward and quiet at that point. I had been attending almost a year, twice a week. I had made some new friends, pretty amazing and friendly people, and found myself finally breathing more deeply in this different chapter of my life.
On the freeform dance floor, everyone dances however they want, moving towards and away from other dancers, dancing alone, joining others mid-song, following the flow of your own movement without instructions, rules, or steps.
It’s a brave and strange experience, but then….not brave at all–just you being you, moving in a body.
I loved it.
One night, this flash of a moment, I looked across the dance floor to see my new companion dancing closely with a woman.
The music stopped, with a pause of silence before the next song soon began, but they did not part from a close embrace, foreheads touching. When the next tune began, they continued to hold still, close, together.
Suddenly a zap of adrenaline surged through my whole body.
I’m left out.
This means….
It’s almost without words, it’s so fast.
But it means something terrible, in that kind of moment. It means I’m abandoned, I’m lost and untethered, this is threatening in some way. That’s what the body is saying it means, as I feel the fear of zapping anxiety run through me.
The Work is about not ignoring this, or pretending it doesn’t matter. The Work is not about acting like you don’t care what you’re looking at disturbs you, or giving yourself a pep talk about how it’s not what you think and all is well and this is not a problem and you better not show you’re so insecure and already acting like you own him so get your act together.
That’s one of the things I love about The Work.
The Work says “tell me everything, everything, everything about that moment.”
That’s step one….allowing everything to come into consciousness that frightens you about a moment in time, and what you’re believing that causes you torture and pain.
I was left out.
Is it true?
Yes.
I’m not in that pairing over there. I’m over here, on the outside of the circle, on the fringes. Alone. Abandoned.
Are you sure???
Who would you be without the belief you are left out? Who would you be, how would it feel inside the body, without the notion that I am not included in something and I should be?
Whoooosh.
I’m back inside my body, without the belief I’m left out.
My arms move, my eyes take in lights, motions, dancers, colors, legs, arms, peoples’ feet, floor. The energy pulsates inside me. I hear music, flutes, drums, cello, horn, tambourine. I see so many other teeth smiling, eyes laughing, faces expressing all around me.
And over there, this new man I adore is in a tender pose, kind and connected with another human being on the dance floor, unafraid to show public closeness to someone else right in front of me. He is free, I am free.
Turning the thought around: I am not including him, I am not including myself.
I am filled with resistance to what I see, I am assuming it means something about me (it didn’t) and how I won’t get enough love, attention, connection. Or something dangerous, called abandonment or loss, might happen.
The turnaround continues, endlessly, to be true: I am included.
I am part of a human family celebrating to music on a dance floor. Together we are all sharing. I dance with others, including both men and women. It’s absolutely beautiful.
I am included in breathing the air, in sweating and drinking delicious water, in being here, body on dance floor….body on planet earth.
With this particular man, he is one of the happiest human beings I know, not seeking and grabbing for contact from others (or me) but very content within himself. He loves dancing with men and women, with strangers and friends. He moves with joy. He trusts himself. He is not intent on being worried about what I think (that’s my job). He has deep integrity, and loves honest talk.
I included myself later by being very honest, sharing with him that I had seen him hugging another and felt a surge of fear, and we had a fabulous conversation about intimacy, physicality, contact in dance, closeness, touch….
….and everything we’d ever learned about it and what we wanted to un-learn.
“Most people want to keep dreaming that they are special, unique, and separate, more than they want to wake up to the perfect unity of an Unknown which leaves no room for any separation from the whole….To the ego such uncontaminated love is unbearable in its intimacy. When there are no clear separating boundaries and nothing to gain the ego becomes disinterested, angry, or frightened. In a love where there is no other, there is nowhere to hide, no one to control, and nothing to gain.” ~ Adyashanti
As I do The Work, I see the fine, exciting, and mysterious dance of relationship I have with anyone reveal itself as….amazing, startling, uncontaminated love.
No one is required to do anything to keep me happy.
Night before last, while still in California after the beautiful retreat I was offering ended, I went with my delightful host (her home was where our Eating Peace Retreat took place) to see one of the gazillion spiritual teachers in the Bay Area.
The gathering was sweet, small (maybe 25 people) in a gorgeous old mission-styled building in Berkeley. The three-quarters moon shone brightly.
For about half an hour, we sat savoring silence.
My eyes closed, I could hear people entering and shuffling behind me, yet feel the sweetness of space, quiet, a centeredness inside that’s here no matter where this body goes.
Outside, satsang….Inside at the center, dark sweet quiet.
This lovely teacher (Pamela Wilson) was sitting in a soft red chair, facing the rest of us in the audience. She was gentle, with a kind voice and a darling smile and long straight light-colored hair like mine. She didn’t speak long before asking if anyone had a question.
I love watching and hearing how a guide at the front of the room works with the questions from an audience. She had a kind approach, soft and motherly voice, unassuming yet clear, without hesitation, periodically suggesting people give an internal “bow” to anything they’re observing, including the mind.
She suggested bowing especially to things we object to. You just give a little bow, from the heart, on the inside, and no one has to know.
Isn’t that sweet?
Towards the end, I raised my hand, although I honestly had no question.
As the microphone made its way towards me, I thought “I better think of a good question” but mostly what I wanted was to speak “hello”. I wanted to know how she came to discover this sweet way with the world. I was so curious about her journey, which I knew nothing about.
“But you can’t ask her about herself….you have to ask her aboutyour spiritual journey whatever that is….so you leave with a new tidbit for your toolbox.”
With the mic in my hand, I started explaining, saying “here’s where I used to be, here’s where I am now” giving my assessment of my “spiritual” journey and she was someone who might comment on how I’m doing so far.
Afterwards, I thought….”Why didn’t you just have a real, more honest talk and share in the moment rather than ask for advice All About Me And My Journey? Why didn’t you go ahead and ask her about her experience the way you wanted to?”
After sleeping deeply and well, when I awoke the next morning, my mind turned to the memory of this moment the night before and watched the feeling of a mild version of “I did it wrong” appear.
Funny how this little thought can be tiny, or enormous, and cause immense suffering depending on how sure you are it’s true.
Can you find some moment or some experience where you thought “I did it wrong?”
Just about everyone in the Eating Peace Retreat I just facilitated had many times thought they did it wrong with food. They did it wrong with eating, with a meal, with a binge, with a diet, with a compulsive moment, with their bodies, or with their weight.
When you have a lot of proof that you did it wrong a terrible feeling can come over you, in this moment now. (As your mind scans your life it sees you, at many different ages and different moments, doing it “wrong” perhaps).
Even in that tiny flash of experience I recently had, asking the spiritual guide/teacher a question, my after-thought was I did it wrong. So funny to recognize this familiar idea, repeated over a lifetime.
We’ve all heard of the idea that you can’t do it wrong, or you can’t make a mistake….but we sure don’t always believe this idea, right?
No way
I’m sure I could have done better, we’ll say. I screwed up. It was a bad outcome. I definitely did it wrong.
But let’s investigate to see if it could be absolutely true we could do it wrong, and it’s a terrible thing this is so.
The best way I know how to get to the heart of it, and explore, is to land on a specific time and place in your life where you really believe you DID do it wrong.
I can go to the moment at satsang. You can go to your own experience where you think you did it wrong.
You did it wrong, is that true?
Yes, Grace, you did.
You made way too much noise in the head. You didn’t stay simple and true to yourself. You rambled. You made no sense. You were float-y and using retarded terms like “this is taking too long”.
What is “this” you were talking about? Why would you confess you have a thought about the pace of time “this is taking too long”….or sound like you’re trying to get somewhere, like an awakening in the future when you already know that’s ridiculous? Why would you try to explain your “spiritual” journey when you basically don’t even know what that is in the first place, really? Why talk about yourself when you actually want to talk about her instead?
What a dunce.
Question Two. Can you absolutely know something went wrong
Can you absolutely know all this chatter, so intent on the wrongness of Grace’s question in that moment, is wrong itself?
(Out of the wrong-ness blossoms the idea that even thinking I’m wrong is wrong).
How do I react when I believe this idea and follow the trail or line of thinking that there is something “wrong” or inadequate or not enough or missing…..and even that thinking something is wrong, is wrong?
(Hilarious).
The way I react is I see whatever “me” is as disappointing. Less than enough. This moment is missing something. Like there’s a gigantic buffet of wisdom in that room (inside the spiritual teacher especially, and the two hours we have together) and it is not a part of me.
She has it, I don’t.
Like I remember with food and eating and the way it used to feel for me (not enough, wrong, too much, never just right). I am empty, not full enough, I need more. And I need it fast. There may not be another chance.
But who would I be without this belief that something wrong could occur? Without the thought I said it wrong, or did it wrong, or did it less than ideally, or I didn’t get what I needed, or I didn’t get fully satisfied, or I wasn’t able to ask the question the “right” way so I could take in information and feel the fabulous sensation of tasting and getting enough?
Who would you be without the belief you did it wrong?
Yes. Even that BIG thing you did wrong?
What I notice is that right now, not much is happening. I am typing and the mind is streaming these words as I wonder, pause, feel fingertips on computer keys, sense this body, notice mind flashing pictures of people I’ve met and love, or the bright smile of Pamela
You might look around and see what’s happening, now
What’s the opposite of “I did it wrong”
I did it right
Couldn’t this be just as true, or truer
Of course
If you really think about reality….how could it be any other way? It’s what happened
It got me here, to this moment now.
“This place where you are right now,
God circled on a map for you.”
~ Hafiz
This includes the “wrong” thing you did.
Which includes talking into a microphone on a quiet Sunday night in Berkeley, California with a loving blue-eyed teacher and an attentive accepting group of humans all gathered to talk about life.
Can you see examples of how where you are right now is right, and what you did “wrong” helped you get to it?
While on retreat here with a beautiful assembly of those who have shown up to be together these three days, I’m struck by a thought someone mentioned our first day together.
I can’t eat whatever I want.
This tantrum shows up in so much more than food and eating.
I can’t DO whatever I want. I can’t BUY whatever I want. I can’t SEE whatever I want. I can’t TAKE whatever I want. I can’t HAVE whatever I want.
It’s like a deep cry of feeling limited, enraged, locked in by the circumstances of life or reality.
When we do it anyway, eat anyway, take anyway….even though there are consequences we don’t like….
….we may “win” just for a moment, but then we lose.
The frustration and fury and guilt gets ramped up even higher.
Yesterday, as our retreat group investigated together, someone became aware of a beautiful distinction I’ve heard before.
The body “can’t” eat everything….it’s the mind that wants to, and can.
What if you rested there?
What if, instead of following, like a zombie, the demands of mind saying you MUST eat, drink, do, have, see, take….even if there are horrible consequences (like being overweight, or going to jail, or harming something, or feeling ashamed)….
….you went ahead and let the mind have a hissy fit, and you let it run wild with imagination having everything it wants all by itself without dragging the body along?
Instead of saying “NO, don’t think about that!!” to yourself, in terror, what if you treated your thoughts like they were there for a reason, and doing the best they can (like a toddler)?
Everyone had a laugh imagining the mind getting to eat the entire box of cookies, or taking one bite of everything on display, or wolfing down the entire extra large chocolate bar.
Later as we walked around a nearby lake, in silence, as a part of a contemplative exercise during retreat, we took the question with us on our walk: who would you be, walking this path, without the belief you have an eating problem?
Who would we be, without the belief “I can’t have what I want, in this moment and it’s HORRIBLE!!?”
I notice, in this morning moment squares of bright sunlight shining through a curtain, on an avocado green wall. I hear the sound of air blowing through a vent. I see a dark magenta colored tassel hanging from a silver doorknob.
I feel the joy of the sweet day ahead in sharing with others the preciousness of inquiry, and my notes and curriculum on this little laptop.
Turning the thought around: I can have what I want, in this moment.
Could what is happening right now be good enough? Could what is present be supporting you? What if everything you ever thought you couldn’t get or have or eat or feel or be…..was available?
Is what I thought I wanted really the thing I want?
All I know is….all those times I ate and ate and ate actual food, it was never what I really wanted. I never felt satisfied, or happy, or thrilled, or joyful. It was never enough, it never hit the spot. It felt like “almost but not quite” or wildly far, to be honest, from what I really wanted.
What I really wanted was to feel “enough” and at the same time feel excited about what was unfolding….because life was indeed unfolding, constantly.
Even if this moment is filled with thoughts of “I can’t”….the body doesn’t have to take action.
I hear the words “Is It True?” and allow inquiry to fall into this moment, too.
What if I really did not know what I can or can’t have, or do, or say, or be? What if I have no clue? What if nothing is required, for this moment to be OK? What if “I can’t” is hilarious instead of hellish and frustrating? What if I can?
What if it doesn’t really ultimately matter, and I knew peace and joy were possible no matter what?
What if you left all your notions of what’s missing behind, if you left all your beliefs behind, like all these beautiful retreat attendees do at every meal, as we do The Work together on stressful beliefs like“I can’t….”?
sunny rose outside my California window this morning, on retreat
This morning I’ve awakened to huge red roses outside my California bedroom window, and bright sun shining in light blue sky.
We’re about to gather in a few hours for Eating Peace Retreat.
I love this journey.
One of my favorite questions to ask, and answer….is why I am unhappy (if I think I am) about a situation, an interaction, a condition?
I will be asking all the beautiful people attending the retreat today this question, especially about eating, weight, food, and even beyond these.
What is going on here in our lives when it comes to “(fill in the blank on someone you feel bad about)”?
This is the first question on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, when we’re identifying why we’re troubled.
Spending some time there, with our answers, is deeply powerful.
Wondering why, identifying why, writing it down.
Only when captured on paper, or in consciousness, can we then work with these reasons, and find out what’s really true.
“Self-inquiry is a spiritually induced form of wintertime. It’s not about looking for a right answer so much as stripping away and letting you see what is not necessary, what you can do without, what you are without your leaves.” ~ Adyashanti
Who cares, do nothing, give up, say nothing….if you think doing The Work means being passive….you might want to question it.
I have a private monthly group (open again for new members in fall 2016) that meets on Sundays for 3 hours. We met this past weekend here at Goldilocks Cottage.
A member of the group brought up a brilliant and powerful question about The Work and inquiry. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it.
What if I become OK with everything, nothing bothers me, and I wind up becoming incredibly…..passive?
Like, I don’t mind anything that happens?
And it looks like me not speaking up, me never saying “no”, people doing whatever they want even if it’s taking my stuff or walking all over me, me not caring about things that I actually SHOULD be caring about, me quitting things, me not taking action, me nevertrying to achieve anything?
Ha ha, I love this question.
Over a decade ago, when I first was doing The Work after I attended The School with Byron Katie, I was dating and going through a divorce.
The very first guy I dated in my new single life was a super interesting character, like so many humans are.
Only a few dates into the experience of getting to know him, I was writing worksheets. The worksheets continued, even though we actually didn’t see each other that much and mostly had some long phone conversations with long gaps in between. It felt like a push-pull, on-off, go-stop, mixed-feeling relationship, fairly confusing.
I found a lot of disturbing traits in this man, and I wrote about them and took them through the inquiry process.
One weekend I was at an event with Byron Katie (I had the good fortune to attend quite a few in a condensed period of time back then).
I raised my hand.
“Katie….I keep doing The Work on this same very annoying man in my life and our conversations and interactions….but I’m not getting past my irritation. I feel sooooo angry.”
We had a discussion about repetitive work, motive, trying to “get” somewhere else, pushing oneself into being nice, going against what you really want, mistrusting oneself, not saying “no”, being afraid, trying to manipulate so you don’t get hurt.
Katie describes this aspect of doing The Work as doing it with a MOTIVE. Meaning, you already have planned or mapped out where you want your feeling-state or your answers to bring you. You already have mapped out where you imagine yourself to be, and what would be best for you, for the other, for the world.
I wanted to be easy-going, happy, non-judgmental, smiling, laughing, enjoying the company of this guy I was dating….who I actually didn’t really like that much.
Yes, yes, yes, he was perfectly acceptable as a human being on the planet and could live his life the way he liked (which he reported was full of suffering, depression, anger, addiction and a tremendous amount of anxiety).
Yes, yes, yes I could have (and still have) a sense of compassion for the torture people, like this man, put themselves through by not questioning their thoughts.
But that didn’t mean I had to live with him, as Katie says.
I did not have to be his personal right-hand-woman, or to date him, or to even talk with him if I really didn’t want to.
Katie said to me some powerful words in the conversation we had, that I’ve never forgotten: “Grace, how do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!!”
Oh.
Wow.
You mean…..I’ve not supposed to make myself Not Angry if I am? I’m not supposed to force myself to hang out with someone I don’t find very interesting, or loving, or willing, when that time arrives?
Now, don’t get me wrong.
I had absolutely amazing conversations with this man for awhile. Really curious, truly incredible insights. Deep sharing, practicing saying things out loud that I never did before, hearing things I genuinely needed to hear, noticing how much identity I had all wrapped up in “relationship” and allowing that to be questioned and dissolved.
It’s just that it had a shelf life.
I did The Work on powerful situations and events, like “he shouldn’t like porn” or “he is greedy and terrified with money” and “he shouldn’t criticize me.”
I was stunned and liberated with the turnarounds: I shouldn’t like the “porn” of being mesmerized by thinking about him and his porn, I shouldn’t be addicted to incessantly seeing what I don’t like about him or men or dating or sexuality or couples or breaking up. I shouldn’t be terrified and greedy with money. I shouldn’t criticize him, or myself.
After noticing, deeply, my own anger…..and through Katie’s words finding the deepest permission to allow anger to be alive and present….
….I felt an equally passionate surge of JOY.
I knew to stop torturing him, but most of all to stop torturing myself, with my thoughts, and to be HONEST in my inquiry.
For the first time in my entire life, I broke up with someone rather than withdrawing quietly, or trying to prevent someone else’s anger towards me, or trying to make sure someone else wasn’t hurt by me, or trying to maintain the desperate and false image of All-Kindness-All-The-Time (not).
This was TRUE kindness to everyone involved.
Especially me, and I was the most important person I needed to live with and enjoy and love.
The Work is about accessing the next thought, the next underlying philosophy about life and how you think you “should” be, and dropping what you know that creates suffering.
The Work is about questioning what you see on the surface, and then discovering there’s something else the next layer down, and then another layer, and another, and another.
Sinking deeper and ever deeper into inquiry is like having a huge sense of awareness, for me, of making friends with myself and following the breadcrumbs to the most juicy, delicious, mysterious, exciting, safe and loving center.
Fire is a part of All This.
Trying to fight fire with The Work can give you a nasty, bitter taste of pointlessness, despair, non-action, depression, waiting, joylessness, suppression.
Of course, I had to have the motive I had for as long as I had it, until I noticed it clearly.
And then, when I saw it….poof, it disappeared.
“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him….” ~ Tao Te Ching #59
I have found doing The Work is never about being passive, or forcing yourself to be quiet, or pleasing, or happy when you aren’t.
It’s the opposite.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Spring Retreat May 13-15 Seattle has a couple of spots left. We have three wonderful days together, with special focus on uncovering your “living turnarounds”….Everyone finds through inquiry the TRUE freedom you want to live, the action you take despite quaking hands and heart-beating with the unknown ahead. This is the alive, awake you that responds to reality with trust….and this includes trust for yourself.
