Month: October 2013

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This Body Should Be Different (As In Healed)

The Pain, Sickness and Death telegroup started last night. What a fabulous group of inquirers.

I always say “this is my favorite class!” about every class as it gets underway, but I thought that again.

Because remember that MRI I told you about last week?

I found out my right hamstring is torn and read something in the report like “only a few fibers are connected”.

Visions of floating, ripped, shredded ends-of-hamstring…..with the last threads hooked to the bone ready to get disconnected any minute….popped into my mind.

They should be connected!

Milliseconds later, almost simultaneously, Attack of The Self movie begins. What a ding-bat! I told you I shouldn’t have done that gymnastics move! You are so stupid! 

See!?!

The thoughts come in like a wave. This situation is not good. Things are floating when they should be attached. I’ll never run, jump, dance, do gymnastics the same again. It’s all down hill from here.

But honestly…and I don’t know how this happens except from constantly returning to The Work and inquiring into these fearful beliefs…about 30 seconds later I was wondering what interesting, good, or advantageous thing would come from this?

Bizarre, right?

But thank goodness.

Ask the four questions often enough, and they start to sink in or become more automatic, it seems.

Is it true that this part of the body should be connected to that part of the body?

Is it true that anything that you’ve observed that is separated from something SHOULD be connected to it instead?

I have thought this many, many times, in many situations…dishes that broke in two, relationships that ended, friends or family who I haven’t seen,  buildings where the roof was blown off by a hurricane, divorce, my child leaving home.

It really should have stayed connected. That would be better!

Are you sure?

Yes. This is painful. This costs money. This is hard. This is sad.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

Even if you answer “yes” again…carry on. It seems like my hamstring really should be connected to the bone. Although I can’t necessarily know 100%…it would be my preference.

But this is not about MY preference.

Oh. Right.

I can feel what it’s like to believe that any of these things should be connected, as they once were….not separated.

Angry, disturbed, terribly frightened. Visions of what has to happen to fix or repair it.

So who would I be without the thought that the state it is in, apparently disconnected and separated, is TERRIBLE?

I have no idea what this means about the future. I’m way more relaxed. I’m very curious about what the sports medicine doctor says when I see him.

I turn the thought around to the opposite: the hamstring should be disconnected from wherever it’s supposed to attach.

I should be disconnected from that person, that house, that friend. Those dishes should be broken.

I may have no idea why….yet.

But even being open to this turnaround being as true…that is expansive, I’m anticipating with an open mind.

I get to feel that this “body problem” is not so important. Joy is still present. Joy and Peace are still possible, right here, right now, with disconnected hamstrings.

“How do you live when you believe the thought that your body should be different? How does that feel? “I’ll be happy later, when my body is healed.” “I should be thinner, healthier, prettier, younger.” This is a very old religion. If I think my body should be different from what it is now, I’m out of my business. I’m out of my mind!” ~ Byron Katie

WOW! Amazing situation, and I’m living in the middle of it, wondering what will happen next….since it’s up to Reality and the business of Something Bigger….not me.

All I can do is open to what’s next .

My part is inquiring. My part is to open my hands, stop clenching against this situation, to stop feeling like a victim.

“Stop pretending that you are in bondage—stop telling yourself that lie! Stop pretending to be someone, or something! You are no one, you are no-thing! You are not this body or this mind. This body and mind exist within who and what you are. You are pure consciousness, already free, awake, and liberated. Stand up and walk out of your dream. I am here to say that you can do this.” ~ Adyashanti

I can walk out of this dream—and I don’t need a hamstring to do it! Ha!

You can too.

Love, Grace

 

 

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Question Your Thoughts About Food

There are 3 spots left for the Friday 8 week teleclass that starts in less than 2 days where we zone in on what we’re thinking and feeling about food and eating.

And we investigate. We’re just looking. No big expectations.

You might be saying “Jeez, where would I begin?! That’s a big topic….and a frustrating one. I want to think LESS about food, not MORE about it.”

I’ve found that the more irritating and long-lasting a problem has been (and mine was awful when it came to food and eating) the better it’s been to examine.

Like it had an important message for me. (It did).

What ARE some of those ways of thinking about eating and food that really don’t feel that great?

Here’s what I used to believe:

  • if I eat a lot, I’ll gain weight
  • if I binge, I’m evil, selfish and greedy
  • if I starve, I’m selfless, powerful and right
  • if I eat from the “bad” list of foods, I’ll pay for it, I’m bad
  • if I eat from the “good” list of foods, I earn points, I’m good
  • I must control my cravings
  • cravings are wildly powerful and impossible to control
  • I’ll always have cravings
  • thin is better than fat
  • I hate being too hungry or too full

That was only the beginning.

I also believed that eating made me feel better.

I thought eating could change my emotional state. It actually DID change it temporarily. Sort of.

If I felt better for just a wee bit, I always went back to feeling lonely, angry, sad or depressed…even after I got something to eat.

No amount of ice cream was ever enough, if I was in “that” mood. And pretty soon, the thing I had reached for to help me out (food) actually made me feel worse.

Rats.

Now, most of us know these days that diets don’t release us from our pain around food and eating.

Many of us have learned that dieting actually makes the pain around food or eating worse.

But throwing our hands up doesn’t work in the long run either.

Funny that it’s either give up or crack down. Other options aren’t spoken of or tried, or even considered.

But what if you could slow down….so very very slowly…so that in each moment of every day you were aware and in touch with an inner feeling that said when to eat and when to stop.

Because every person is born with that.

You already pretty much know that you do not need someone to come in and tell you what to eat, when to eat it, how to eat it, where to eat it. In fact, that’s impossible.

You don’t need to read another nutrition or diet book, unless that’s fun for you.

(I had fun learning new things about what I was eating and my body last summer that I never could have heard before, when I had a co-dependent, desperate, addictive relationship with food).

What if you could unravel your greatest fears, including fears about being fat, or greedy, or possessed, or powerless?

I love simply taking a look. Noticing.

Nothing more.

No other big weight-loss plans. No feeling that you need to be punished.

So if you’d like a group to do The Work with to see what’s going on under the surface of all your conflicting beliefs about food and eating….then what a great time to do it!

We’ll meet right up into the dark, wintry season full of holiday gatherings and food traditions.

Who would you be without the thought that you have a problem with food?

You may wonder who you’d be without having this “problem” with food or your weight, like maybe that’s weird to even imagine (I used to feel like all my problems were problems with food).

You may be worried. It’s not a lollipops-and-roses answer necessarily. Maybe it’s even disturbing…who would I be if I didn’t obsess or think about food? If I didn’t have this addictive pattern?

If you’d like to investigate…come join us.

It’s fascinating. It’s even fun.

“Something like food, or alcohol, or drugs, or sex, or working, or shopping, or whatever we do, which, perhaps in moderation would be very delightful–like eating, enjoying your food. In fact, in moderation there’s this deep appreciation of the taste, of the good fortune to have this in your life. But these things become imbued with an addictive quality because we empower them with the idea that they will bring us comfort. They will remove this unease.” ~ Pema Chodron

Our class meets November 1 – December 27 from 9 -10:30 am Pacific Time. It’s a great time for this “looking” at this time of year. Join me!

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

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Question Your Thinking, Be Happy With Food

The other day I was waiting in line for lunch food at a deli. The day was bright and sunny, the sky clear, and many people murmuring and talking with one another.

The line was moving a bit slow, and in a non-introverted moment (shocking!) I said hello to the person behind me. She was a sweet woman and as we talked, she said she had lost 80 pounds, several years before. She was happy, and proud of herself, because she had kept all that weight off.

She was the cutest! She showed me a photo of her adorable little dog, on her phone.

I said that it was funny that we met, because I myself had a brutal and troubling relationship with food in my past….and I am SO HAPPY that it’s completely and totally over.

Isn’t it fantastic to have ended that cycle? That it is eliminated from life?

She shook her head “no”. 

“You never terminate the compulsion to eat. You have to be vigilant. You have to make sure to weigh yourself and monitor your food. I know it will be like this for the rest of my life. If I gain a few pounds, I immediately go into hyper-attention mode.”

Woah. OK.

I didn’t say anything about recovering from an eating disorder or any eating issues of any kind, after that. She appeared certain that this was her lot in life…vigilance.

For the rest of the day, off and on, I thought of this brief encounter with a stranger. I had a tender feeling of compassion and sent her a hug through the airways.

Not that she needed my help, because obviously, she had rocked the house and made major changes in her life….

….but long ago when I was sick with the anguish of compulsive overeating, bulimia, self-starvation, and fear of gaining weight…

…I wanted total and complete freedom from the obsession. I believed I could have it.

I never gave that up.

I wanted to go beyond managing my life, my threatening thoughts, and treating myself like I could topple of the edge of the cliff at any moment into a binge….to genuine trust that who I was, at every level, was and expression of love, trust and joy.

Including when it came to the simple act of eating.

The truth is, that now….I’m “normal” when it comes to food, like a person would be who never had any food issues. I never think about food with anxiety or pain. I love eating and do it with gusto.

I threw out my scale twenty years ago, but now, I don’t even “sneak a peak” at the scale when I’m at the gym. It doesn’t occur to me. I have exactly the same clothes, in the same size, for years. I throw worn out clothes away.

It is over, it seems. For years.

So. What’s the catch? How did this happen?

While I can never say 100% (since I am not the ruler of the universe, ha ha) the thing that I HAVE stayed vigilant about, that I DO feel compelled to look at every single day, is my thinking.

And I’m here to say, that when you look and question your negative, repetitive, agonizing thoughts….

….they seem to become less agonizing.

It’s like you’re giving them the respect they deserve.

Last week in one of the Year of Inquiry groups (Yay YOI!) someone said that they sometimes get a little overwhelmed with THOUGHTS.

There are so many! I’ll never get through them all! One falls away, and another one appears!

I get it. It seems true. It really does seem that there are endless amounts of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, observations, or memories that produce suffering.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that there’s no solution?

Oh boy!

Hands clapping because it does NOT seem absolutely, endlessly true! It’s not absolutely true that the mind SHOULD quit thinking, or that life would really be better if I did! Or that I can never find peace, with a mind that is thinking, thinking, thinking!

It’s not even absolutely true that I need to be fearfully vigilant about my thoughts….because they just pop up. They appear.

And now I LOVE working with them.

When I don’t believe they are true, when I don’t repeat them, or when I do The Work on them, they dissolve.

I feel peaceful.

Are you ready to move from discouraged, beaten down, feeling like a failure about your relationship with food, eating and your body….and take a dive into the most painful beliefs you have about eating?

Because that’s what we’re going to do, starting Friday.

We meet via teleclass for 8 weeks (no class December 6th). 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

Yes, we meet the day after American Thanksgiving because that day is often very important for reflecting on food, festivities, eating, and getting support.

Wherever you are, you can dial in on the phone or with skype.

“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are out of sync with goodness, when it comes to food and eating, then let’s question your thoughts.

You have to want to take a look, to see the pain, to sit with it and see what you’re really thinking, to write it down.

But if I can do it, you can do it too.

I know that when you have that sweet relationship with yourself, then food is an added pleasure in life. Definitely an over-the-top grace.

Every bite an incredible gift.

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

 

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From Terrible To Wonderful

Several years ago I was in the gorgeous, dark, rainy, bustling city of Vancouver, BC.

Vancouver is only 3 hours drive from my city of Seattle. And about the same color of green-blue-gray, huge old evergreen trees, dramatic dark green mountains, and lots of coffee houses.

Only it’s Canada. There’s something cooler about being in Canada.

Everyone secretly agrees. (OK, that may not be true).

So there I was staying with a dear friend, reuniting with her after something like thirty years (she immigrated to Vancouver, which is one of the things that makes that city cool).

During the day, I attended a very small conference, with perhaps 40 people. Our speaker was the fascinating Dr. Hew Len who practices ho’oponopono, a method of cleaning, clearing, un-doing the overwhelming energy of personal stories, stress, pain, unhappiness.

My favorite!

At first, I thought he was bonkers.

Although he was academically trained, and had successfully earned a medical degree, he spoke of going beyond the mind.

Or actually, leaving the mind out altogether.

Leave the mind out? What? But I LOVE my mind! And it likes to THINK! And feel superior!

I got to have lunch with him. There were several of us, and I sat right next to him.

I asked him “How did you find this process you’re teaching? How did you find ho’oponopono?”

He looked at me gently and said with a twinkle in his eye “I stumbled into it. Just like you are, right now.”

Pause.

What? No story?

This was interesting. I noticed my mind really wanting to ask questions. I was also a little nervous. I felt like I was in the presence of someone very special. Very wise.

(See the Grace Note from last Sunday morning for more on that).

He wasn’t imposing himself or his ideas on me.

It was awesome. And different.

We were quiet a moment, perhaps someone else asked him something, or said something that I can’t remember, and then I asked again, going off on another hook, hoping for relief, “what do I do about my rage at my daughter?”

Again, a short answer.

He said “clean”.

Clean up your thoughts, un-ravel your negative thinking. Say “I love you” to her silently. Thank you, please forgive me, I’m sorry.

All in a flash of a moment, I was back to myself.

He had used the word “stumbled”. I liked that. I realized this meant that he was actually talking about the universe or something else, NOT ME, being the one in charge.

Who would I be without the thought that any of my contentious relationships, that any of my little annoying exchanges, or any of my so-called problems or my “dilemmas” need to be handled, yesterday?!

I would pull my head up out of the underwater world of believing EVERYTHING I think and I would feel some space.

I would feel emptiness and silence and big question marks….but it would be fine to not have any answers.

Oh.

Maybe that IS the answer.

Maybe you just stumble into it. The empty unknown magical mystery of it all.

“What seemed terrible changes once you’ve questioned it. There is nothing terrible except your unquestioned thoughts about what you see. So whenever you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

Last two spaces left in Pain, Sickness and Death telecourse that starts TODAY at 5:15 pm Pacific time. Click here to read more.

Join me and this wonderful group to take a look at the Biggies that tend to cause us to seek out some answers from other people besides ourselves.

Maybe you’ve got the answer inside of you, already. Ya never know.

Love, Grace

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Welcoming This Ailment As If You Had Invited It

Tomorrow the Pain, Sickness and Death telegroup starts 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific Time. There are still a few spaces! We meet for six weeks.

It’s interesting that this class is starting tomorrow.

Because I’ve had a sore throat and swollen glands and a stuffed up nose. I’m sick!

On this great hierarchy of maladies, it’s the least concerning in most of our minds, right?

I feel the symptoms. My ears hurt a little. I’m not awake at my usual very early morning hour. My voice is off.

But I really don’t know what the actual cause is, specifically, in THIS body. There are simply sensations moving about, changing, aching.

And I have an awareness that the body is making corrections, adjusting, healing, moving something through.

But my mind is not afraid. It’s not thinking “I could die from this”. It’s not thinking “I’ll never recover and live the rest of my life with this pain in my throat”.

It’s not getting all dramatic and going off on tangents trying to find a cure. I don’t feel panic, or sadness.

However, if a doctor or someone I thought of as educated, someone whose opinion I trusted, said “Uh oh. This is a dangerous situation. It’s not just a cold,” I would probably have a jolt of adrenaline run through me.

That’s what happened when I had a little mole biopsied almost seven years ago.

The mole was so small, that this “biopsy” (meaning they take some of the tissue by cutting it off carefully with a very sharp medical knife) practically removed the whole entire mole from my right thigh.

It had been there for about a year. My doctor had said it didn’t look like anything to be alarmed about.

But it grew a little bigger over that year. I kept feeling it all the time, more and more often. This bump in my skin, like the eraser on a small pencil.

The biopsy required four stitches. There was a round ball under the surface of my skin.

My doctor said to come back in a week and she would send the tissue off to a lab so they could analyze it.

The next week, back in the doctor’s office, she came in and said with a smile “let’s get those stitches removed”. I had only had stitches once in my entire life, and that was in 1976 with a broken right ankle after a crazy gymnastics vault landing that required surgery.

I thought about how amazing it was that humans found that the skin is like fabric, and that you can sew it back together.

But then the doctor said “OK, you can put your pants back on and have a seat here, and I’ll be back to talk about the results of the biopsy.”

Oh yeah, the results! Cool!

Wait.

You mean, this is like “results” that have to wait for me to be seated? Not the kind of results that you say while you’re also removing stitches like “everything looks good”.

That doctor hadn’t said any of those light sounding words.

Then it washed through me like a wave crashing.

Damn.

It’s cancer or something. What else grows a “tumor”? It’s cancer. What else requires me to get fully dressed and have a seat?

That all happened within 30 seconds.

She came in. I heard the words “sarcoma” and “….generally see this in people of color”….and “need to go see a surgeon who specializes…”

I couldn’t really hear everything, because my mind was having a heart attack.

That’s one of the moments that was born in my life for The Work, for personal inquiry, for looking at what I was afraid of, that I thought was true.

A few days later, I took out paper, and began writing down my thoughts.

Thoughts about death, treatment, dying, hurting, surgery, the future, the past.

I found out, by doing The Work, that things weren’t as bad as I thought.

Who would I be without the thought that this situation was dangerous, that cancer was life-threatening, that I was doomed?

Not terrified. That’s all I could come up with at first. Not exactly “happy” and welcoming….but NOT TERRIFIED was surprisingly better than terrified.

Who would I be without the thought that cancer was horrifying, the worst that could happen?

On a continuum that carried forward into the unknown. On a mystery ride.

Just like everyone else.

“Loving what is, is not kinda liking what is, or kind of appreciating what is, it’s not accepting what is….it is good. It is really exciting.” ~ Byron Katie

If you want to take an interesting journey into questioning beliefs about sickness, physical ailments, pain that seems to hurt, cancer, death…then come join the telegroup starting tomorrow. Click here to register.

You do not have to have something serious occurring in your life, or be a survivor of some kind of trauma….

….you can simply notice that you have fearful, annoyed, angry, or very painful beliefs about physical threats, conditions, or circumstances.

You notice you are interested in honestly questioning these beliefs about living inside a vulnerable body.

Who knows, whatever ails you may be your spiritual path.

I know it’s been mine.

I’d love you to join me in inquiry, to end the fearful thinking.

“Welcome the present moment as if you had invited it. It is all we ever have, so we night as well work with it rather than struggling against it. We might as well make it our friend and teacher rather than our enemy.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

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Scared of Famous People

It’s really weird how when I’ve come across a famous person, someone I admire, I typically clam up.

This doesn’t have to be a “famous” famous person….meaning, it doesn’t have to be someone on Broadway or in the movies or on TV.

I have my own versions of famous people, the ones I deeply admire and respect.

Early yesterday morning this happened to me.

Two brothers who I admire who are famous to ME at least in the business world, just happened to be walking out of a building towards their car as I walked by on the sidewalk.

My immediate internal reaction is total delight, thrill, and happiness to see them.

Kind of like “Hey, I love seeing you guys! Hello my friends!”

I smiled widely and said “good morning!” At least this naturally came out of my mouth.

I kept walking…not one hesitation in my step.

I felt JOY in that moment, coming across them. And then…

….a few minutes later, I had the thought that I should have stopped. I should have said something. They were RIGHT THERE.

No idea what I would say, but you get the point.

Stressful thoughts entering the scene.

Why didn’t I say more? Why didn’t I tell them how grateful I am, or how much I admire them? Why did I walk right by? Why go tongue-tied?

Why didn’t I go shake their hand or something? Why did I get a little jolt of adrenaline? Why didn’t I think of something more fun to say? More interesting?

Good morning? What a boring thing to say. I’m too shy!

I remember being at the hotel where the School for The Work was held for many years in Los Angeles.

Byron Katie happened to walk right past me in a corridor. We were walking in the same direction.

OMG that’s KATIE! I thought in my head.

A young man seconds later approached from the right, so close to me, and took her arm, and I knew it was her son. Off they went ahead of me, heads bent together and talking, walking quickly with their arms intertwined.

I stared at them ahead of me, walking away, out the big hotel glass doors and off across the parking area, obviously headed somewhere.

I kept staring.

Same thing, I was staring and stopped in my tracks.

I definitely would never be the type to go get an autograph or anything. It’s weird enough to be staring. I was mute.

In junior high, I was like this with boys I thought of as cute.

There was a guy named Jeff and I actually really liked him. But I ditched around the corner when I saw him coming down the hall.

I acted nonchalant, or turned red in embarrassment, if he talked to me in class.

So since this funny little thing happened very recently, I knew to do The Work. I have never done The Work on this before….but it has definitely been STRESSFUL to encounter people I admire.

They are different, separate, better, more successful, admirable….and I am not so much. They got something, I don’t. 

Is that true?

Well….no of course not! In my modest life, sure, I am just as important and worthy and loving and yada yada….

But how am I really feeling this situation?

I am feeling separate. I am living like there’s a gap between me and them. I am feeling great admiration. I am hesitating, staring, watching, keeping quiet over here.

I am acting like it’s true.

I am thinking that THEY are thinking that if I approached, I would be a pain in the freakin’ ass, boring, needy, seeking, grasping, wanting.

Is that really true?

No. I know that is not true.

They way I react when I believe that I know what they’re thinking is I freeze. I go inward. I get quiet. Something in my natural joy hesitates.

I am thinking I know what they have time for, who they need to talk with, who they are interested in (not the likes of me).

The way I react when I believe there are separations and hierarchies in this world of “success” (spiritual, physical, emotional) is that I measure myself and other people and compare constantly.

Ouch!

Who would I be without the thought that they got it going on, and I have nothing much to offer them, and they have better things to do, and I am not so worthy?

I would notice that I have run into this person, or these people, in this beautiful small moment, and I am here, very close.

I would also notice the rocks, trees, birds, leaves, cars, the curb, the blue sky, the inward joy, the quiet…

….and I would allow it all to be here, as it is. Silent for this moment.

Something over here, looking out these eyes, seeing an image of those admirable people right over there.

Feeling gratitude.

Feeling no need to speak unless it arises in a “good morning!” And no need to hold anything back.

A new friend said the other day “whomever you run into, it’s a divine appointment”. 

I smile remembering his words. Nothing else necessary.

And without any thoughts of being less-than perfect, or not quite as great, or What-Ever…

…without the thought that I am scared of these famous awesome people…

….I might stop and say to these people, with a heart bursting with joy:

“Thank you, thank you, you are amazing and your presence changed my life, and I so appreciate your being you and teaching and speaking and writing and offering yourself. You matter, you make a difference to me. I love you and am so grateful to what you express in this world and in my life. You have helped me remember who I really am.”

Now that I think about it…I might stop and say this to everyone, who has crossed paths with me, walked right near me, run into me, been a part of my life, with or without words.

Friends, admirers, strangers, odd balls, the difficult people, the frightening people, the enemies, the ones who hurt.

And I notice, when I think this gratitude towards others, without thinking I am different from them, without thinking I should have done something more, said something, asked something, been clever, been appealing or attractive, offered something….

…then the gratitude and joy rubs off on me.

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha

I notice that without any of those anxious beliefs that appeared after seeing those appealing people, I feel content, abundant, like I just might get the chance to run into them again…but it’s OK whatever happens.

Who knows.

“When I say ‘I love you,’ it is always self-love. There’s no personality talking: I only talk to myself, so of course I must hear you as me. ‘I’ am the listener, I am all of it, as it turns out.” ~ Byron Katie

Oh goody! I didn’t miss anything after all, nothing at all.

Love, Grace

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I Want Want Want That

Very recently, a woman wrote me an email to sign up for some sessions in self-inquiry. She was intimately familiar with The Work. She had questioned her thinking many times, on many topics, and found great peace.

But there was this one particular area that had been present for many years that was VERY persistent.

It just wouldn’t go away.

She described it as like a screaming baby, in the other room.

All day long, she has thoughts about when to eat, what to eat, what not to eat, or what she should and shouldn’t be doing with food and exercise.

Using her own thinking to resolve this problem didn’t seem to be working very well, or very fast.

She wanted help.

As I have done myself, she could see her mind doing tailspins in this one particular area, without much change, without relief.

Oh the agony! The obsession! The powerlessness! The horror!

I remember obsessing about food, diet, eating, starving, exercising, burning calories, being thin, getting fat, controlling myself, feeling sad, feeling like a failure, fearing hunger, fearing fullness.

ARRRGGG. That was such a pain.

One thing I know for sure, the person busy obsessing is NOT damaged, broken or hopeless.

And it’s a very common human experience.

It’s like a battle is taking place, a raging, mind-melding battle, between the one who wants the item, and the one who doesn’t want it.

Between the one who is kind and accepting….and the one who is impatient, desperate or afraid.

Between the one who wants to grab, take-in, consume, get satisfied, pull towards itself…and the one who is content, peaceful, comfortable with the unknown and emptiness.

We’ve all had experiences with this battle, no matter what we’re obsessing about.

I love questioning cravings. This can be a first, wonderful examination in breaking apart that full-blown colorful story behind craving.

Let’s do it!

Find a situation when you were filled, overwhelmed, thinking of almost nothing else but the thing you want.

Food, wine, a cigarette, a cup of coffee, checking emails, going online, a person, an item in the store, a crush, sexual contact, buying it, porn, TV, chocolate, ice cream, whiskey.

“I want it.”

Is that true?

Yes. OMG. YES! I have to have that. It will bring me relief, pleasure!

Are you absolutely sure? Are you positive? Stand there in the craving and see if it is true.

You have to talk with that person, eat that pizza, breathe in that cigarette smoke, put that trinket in your purse, wear that new outfit, call your voicemail, drink that wine.

Is that absolutely true?

What do you believe you will have, if you get it?

I would have Satisfaction! Contentment! Peace!

Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Because I found, my cravings always returned. They were never altogether satisfied.

The craving was temporarily satisfied…sort of. There was a cycle, a repeating, over and over endlessly.

An intense craving, an intense break-down and demand to attend to the craving, a wild attempt to do nothing but satisfy the craving, and an intense hatred of myself, a sadness, a not-enoughness, an intense craving….

Maybe, there was a craving that was present, no matter what was happening.

A discontent, a longing, a hoping, a demand, a desire to change what is and reach for more, different, more, different.

Yikes. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that if this craving were relieved, I would be satisfied.

I can’t know that if the baby stopped screaming, I would be totally and completely content and peaceful.

I might start thinking of something else, of other things to do, to seek.

Who would I be without the thought “I want it!”

Woah. But that thought is so big, sooooo all-consuming. So….

I asked who would you be without the thought?

You may have to take a moment to imagine this. To feel it. To see what it would be like to be you only not thinking ONLY of how you want something.

Like a tree, a cat, a person you know who doesn’t appear to believe they want something very often.

It may take a moment of imagination, because being without this thought is very foreign.

I know that when I stopped wanting food so much, and so frequently….when the obsession dropped away….I had other things I wanted, like money, happiness, a partner, enlightenment, adventure, excitement, fame, attention, success.

These would flow in and out, the dangling carrots.

Let yourself imagine. Let yourself see who you would be without the belief that you want it.

The thing is in your awareness, it is around. You’re in the same room (the same neighborhood). You know where this thing is.

But you don’t have the thought that you want it desperately. That you must have it.

You may find yourself first just willing to imagine….

….then interested in imagining….who you are without the belief that you want that thing.

Looking around at your world, and feeling in your body, catching the sense of who you really are without this thought.

You may become curious about what you notice. So curious that your craving sits down in a chair and stops screaming so loud.

(Tell the craving that it can stay as long as it wants, you are OK with it being there, you’re not trying to obliterate it).

Who are you without the thought that you want what you think you want?

“Please do not think of truth in mystical terms or even in spiritual terms. Truth refers to the whole of existence and beyond. Truth exists as much in your teacup as it does in your temples and churches. Truth is as present in shopping for your groceries as it is in chanting to God.” ~ Adyashanti

We are about to enter the season in many cultures of celebratory feasting. If you are ready to look at your cravings for food deeply, to look at your deep beliefs about what it means to feel hungry, full, fat, or thin….then come on over and join the 8 week teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food meeting on Fridays 9 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

I’ve never taught the class right at this time, during what many think of as food and eating season. This is gonna be good!

We start November 1st and meet every Friday until December 20th.  Yes, even the day after Thanksgiving (if you live in the USA).

Don’t wait until the usual time to start developing peace with food. Come now. Use your experience to investigate your urges, cravings, drive, obsessions.

I’d love you to join me. Hit reply if you’re interested and we’ll take it from there.

Love, Grace

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I Gotta Get Outta Here!

I was lying on a flat white slab in pale blue hospital scrubs. All jewelry, hair clip, rings removed.

The technicians put a strap around my ankles to bind them together, and something heavy and flat across my upper torso.

They asked me if I wanted to listen to music and when I nodded yes, they put a big earphone head set over my head. On top of the earplugs I already had inserted. 

Then with buzzing and whirrs and machine sounds, I was pushed into a white donut hole tube, with the wall only inches above my face. 

Suddenly, I had the feeling of going into a coffin….um, OK. Are you sure this thing is safe?

Jeez, is this really necessary, I mean, it’s not like this procedure taking pictures of my hip will actually STOP the injury pain, right?

Maybe, on second thought, I’m good. 

Nevermind! I don’t need an MRI afterall!

“To he who is in fear, everything russles.” ~ Sophocles

Heh heh.

Almost immediately as I went into the tube…..with my gut starting to clench with slight unexpected panic….something also reminded me of inquiry, like almost simultaneously.

I’m trapped, I need to get outta here, this is dangerous.

Is this true?

This is not the only time I’ve believed this thought. 

Have you ever been in a dark alley on a rainy night, a run-down warehouse on the edge of town, or an abandoned car on a remote highway? 

Like, you know, people in those scary movies? (That I will NEVER watch, by the way).

Or what about at a family holiday gathering? A huge too-loud concert? A really really boring meeting? Or when you just did something kind of embarrassing.

I’m trapped, I need to get outta here, this is dangerous. 

Right?

I love it when inquiry rises up to the moment.

Is it actually true? Seriously? Entirely true?

Am I really not safe, and trapped?

No.

How do I react when I believe it? When the thought shouts in my head?

A wave of adrenaline blasts through my system. I have pictures of not being able to move, of dying a slow death of suffocation, gasping desperately for air. 

I’m a victim. No way out. Really scary music starts playing in the back ground, or really sad music.

So who would I be without the thought that in this situation, I’m trapped, or that I have to get out, or that I’m in danger?

Pretty huge question. But very profound.

Without the thought that I am not safe, my whole entire body relaxes. 

I don’t know what’s in store for me, but just any sense of openness to what might happen next, there is a tinge of sweetness.

I don’t have to love it, I don’t have to be overjoyed about this situation…but I notice I’m not overwhelmed with fear. 

Even when I feel some fear. It’s not all of me.

In the big MRI machine, I hold really still so this doesn’t have to go any longer than necessary, and I fall asleep.

Without the thought that some location is unsafe, terrifying, dangerous….

….I look around and see space, shapes, light, absence of light, I hear sounds, quiet, silence, I feel air against my skin. 

I notice that nothing is happening to my actual body. 

I am free, I don’t need to go anywhere, this is safe. 

In this moment, this is entirely and completely true, just right in this exact short moment with no future. 

Everything very alive, pulsing, moving. Strong energy present.

In other words, I’m not turning passive, I’m not denying that things are alert, strong, and powerful in this organism. 

But I am looking very clearly at what is and what is NOT true.

“Fear and insecurity always wait for any and all who dare to probe the depths of the Unknown. The true seeker of liberation must have an uncompromising desire to discover Eternal Truth, a desire that outweighs any tendency to hesitate and contract in the face of fear. It is only when the fear of the Unknown is openly embraced that it begins to transform into the positive energy and intensity necessary to awaken from conditioned existence.” ~ Adyashanti

As I investigate even the smallest worry honestly….

…I may become accepting of my fear, fascinated with the insecurity that bubbles up. 

This is aliveness, desire, intensity!

I’m ready to bust out of all those conditioned beliefs about being trapped in coffins and what-not. 

It was only my thinking that was trapped, victimized, fearful, and dangerous!

Everything else was fine.

Woohoo!

If you’re wanting connection with others to examine fears that come forward around Pain, Sickness and Death….then what a wonderful time to do it. The PSD Teleclass starts next Tuesday, 5:15-6:45 pm Pacific time. Limited to 8 participants. 

Register Here now, or write if you have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com 

Love, Grace

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Energy Sucking Needy Leeches

The other day I had a consult session with one of my favorite wise therapists.

She has forty years of experience working with human consciousness, recovery, spirituality, healing….and I trust our inspiring conversations.

We touched on a topic of deep interest: how people connect with others.

It left me contemplating human nature and all the wildly different reasons people make connection, find connection, instigate connection, resume connection or avoid connection with other people.

I love investigating whatever motivates us or inspires us to move toward or away from someone we encounter.

It may feel as simple as…”I like you!” 

(or, “I don’t like you!”)

Yet whenever I review relationships, it seems to be a lot more complicated. 

I like a LOT of people. In fact, MOST people. And every once in awhile I don’t like someone, but this is pretty rare.

I know The Work brings us tons of awareness about those irritating or creepy people we don’t like….but what about the ones we DO?

Like, what’s going on when we like someone Big Time and it doesn’t really make logical sense? Or something is slightly weird about the intensity of the contact? 

Or what about feeling sexual vibes from or towards someone, when you’re NOT actually interested in begin sexual with them?

Byron Katie has a LOT to say about seeking out love, approval and appreciation from other humans.

And how much it hurts…..sometimes.

In fact, Katie has a whole book written on this, entitled I Need Your Love–Is That True?

So….there’s someone over there, and you get a leap of energy that feels like its moving from them toward you, or vice versa, and it’s (somewhat) positive. 

Maybe physical attraction but this could be any kind of attraction. 

If it was all open, sweet, exciting and fun (like it was when I met my husband) then I think this might be called the “falling in love” phase or “creating a long and beautiful friendship” phase.

Every time we got together or interacted, we both had the feeling that getting together AGAIN was a great idea. We both felt happy, unashamed, curious and adventurous about the learning underway.

And we did NOT feel desperate. 

We had a blast getting to know each other (we still do).

One thing that was new for me at the time I met him was a deep interest in being in relationship without clingy, grabby, haunting, dramatic NEEDINESS.

Without the desire to merge.

Ewww!

I had done some serious investigation of neediness. Yowser. There were just so many needy people out there! 

They only wanted to connect with others so they could GET something from the relationship!

On my worksheets from all the men I dated, several concepts seemed to reappear, over and over:

  • he wants a mate for security
  • he needs love
  • he wants too much attention
  • he wants someone to think he’s special
  • he hates his own company
  • he wants a maid, a cook, a housekeeper (yuck)
  • he wants to have sex easily available
  • he wants money, added income, added financial benefit
  • he is needy
You know where this is going, right?

 

THE TURNAROUNDS.

I saw how I reacted when I believed these thoughts. Not pretty. Super critical.

I was even creeped out a little about who I would be without these thoughts. I was scared that I wouldn’t smell a co-dependent relationship until it was too late. 

I’d get stuck in a quagmire of two people needing each other without even knowing it! OMG! 
But oh the gold in those turnarounds. Sigh.
  • I want a mate for security
  • I need love
  • I want too much attention
  • I want someone to think I’m special
  • I hate my own company
  • I wants a handyman, an auto-mechanic, a remodeler
  • I want to have sex easily available
  • I want money, added income, added financial benefit
  • I am needy

Instead of being depressed and upset about MY OWN NEEDINESS (gasp) I found genuine examples of where these turnarounds were true, where I believed them.

Dang, I really did think very little of myself when it came to being able to earn decent money, fix my house, mow the lawn, take care of the oil changes in my car, and be attractive.
I also could feel the deep self-doubt and longing to be special.
I wanted someone ELSE to think I was special.
Only…..I knew deep down, that was not true.
When I believed the thought that I wanted someone else to think I was special, I suffered.
I was pretty ridiculously needy. And trying not to show it.
Without the thought that someone else should think I’m special?
Free as a bird. Free to be myself, totally and completely. Wildly, fabulously free.
Free to stop going down trails leading to co-dependent connections and merge-type relationships…
….free to enjoy people without stress, without clinging, without expectations.
I highly recommend it.

 

“Do this exercise for a few minutes: think of someone you are attached to, someone without whom you think you are not going to be happy….And say to this person ‘I really do not need you to be happy. I’m only deluding myself in the belief that without you I will not be happy. But I really don’t need you for my happiness; I can be happy without you. You are not my happiness, you are not my joy.’ You can say this in the secrecy of your heart. You’ll be making contact with the truth; you’ll be smashing through a fantasy. Happiness is a state of non-illusion, of dropping the illusion.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I you want to look at all the little stressful thoughts you’ve believed around connecting especially around sexuality….or the big stressful thoughts….we’re meeting for 8 weeks starting in January via telephone or skype. 

Some people are already enrolled (since I had to postpone the class due to being IN a class myself all year at that exact time, calendar confusion).

If a class isn’t for you, find a partner and get someone to facilitate you! Or sit down all by yourself and sort out your ideas. 

It’s worth it. 

Love, Grace

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No One Can Leave Me, Even In Death – Happy Birthday Dad

I know LOTS of people tried to download the little parenting ebook. Go here to do it instead and click Download. Looking forward to your feedback (just hit reply any time and let me know what you like or don’t like about it): 

Get How To Be A Happy Parent Free Ebook.

****

Speaking of parents.

Today would be my dad’s 83rd birthday. But he died long ago in 1990 barely making age 60.

I think about him every year on this day, and many others. With immense gratitude.

He came to me immediately just now, after I woke up. I was sitting in a chair with a dark misty early morning all around through the windows, damp and green and very quiet, as it is often in the Pacific Northwest. 

I can see him in my mind standing near the front door, with his walking stick, his flat wool cap, his wire-rimmed glasses and gray speckled beard, asking “shall we go on a little walk?”

But the gratitude used to be all mixed up with despair, loss and missing him.

That was before doing The Work. Before time passed.

One of my very first realizations after beginning the questioning of my deep-seated beliefs was finding a sense of peace with death. 

One of my sisters had already attended The School for The Work. She shared with me two important things she learned from her experience there.

  1. Our dad did not actually die (say what?)
  2. A total stranger, another participant at the event, had accidentally caused the death of his own two year old child….and it didn’t kill HIM, emotionally

These two pieces of information jet-propelled me to the next School.

I wanted to understand, and face, death. So terrifying!

What on earth could this idea mean, that our dad did not actually die? I mean, I sat with him as he took his last breath. I felt his hand grow cold.

His body is no longer around. I haven’t seen him in over two decades. 

The most profound awareness came over time, gently investigating a pretty simple belief. 

What I mean by belief is something I repeated over and over to myself in my mind: my dad died.

Is it true? 

Yes. I was there. He’s gone. He never got older than sixty.

Right at this point is when I used to cry, feel such sadness I felt my throat close and my heart break. It felt horrible. 

But I kept going anyway, with this process of inquiry.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that my dad died? 

It may sound odd, but can I absolutely know….beyond a shadow of a doubt….that he is gone, forever, that there is nothing at all left of him, anywhere?

No. I can’t know this at all. I remember him. This memory alone shows there is something here of him. 

I can have a conversation with my dad and get a real solid sense of what he’d tell me, how he’d answer a question I asked. I can see him in my mind vividly.

And as for physically, where bodies go, where cells and life and energy move, I definitely can’t know that this is dead. 

In fact, it’s unlikely, scientifically.

So, no, strangely enough….I can’t absolutely know it’s true that my dad died.

How did I always react when I believed that thought?

Devastated. Wishing he was here. Frightened. Wondering why it’s set up like this on planet earth, with such loss. 

How did I treat myself, internally, when I believed my dad died? 

Like something was missing that I couldn’t quite have, without him. Like I couldn’t make it as well in life. Like I was smaller somehow.

Then the great question: Who was I without the belief that my dad died?

Or, without the belief that I was missing something because he died, that it was devastating or terrible? 

Walking down the street, driving my car, doing laundry, reading a book, going to the gym, playing with my kids, buying groceries….hadn’t I actually done all these things hundreds of times WITHOUT my dad?

I mean, I had moved out of my parents house about 8 years before he “died”. 

I had done a lot on my own. Without sadness. Without thinking “oh this is so so so terrible and devastating that my dad isn’t here right now.” 

That’s what it would be like without the thought. I already knew what that was like. 

I would smile as his memory and image entered my mind. 

Or, I might sob and weep with love, feeling the bittersweet grief pouring out. All mixed with happiness. 

“I love to say, ‘No one can leave me. They don’t have that power.'” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thought around, I find my dad lived, my dad is alive. 

It seems as true or truer, even if his body is no longer here. 

(Everyone’s body is eventually no longer here. What did I expect?)

I see his back go around a corner ahead of me down the block. He just drove by in a car. I saw him gardening at the pea patch from the bus window. My son just sounded exactly the same as my father, although they never met. Little glimpses.  

I don’t know any way to be with this than being with it. 

The final turnaround to my belief: I died (when my dad died).  

Something did die, but maybe that’s not so terrible. A dependence died. A clinging died. An expectation that I must have my dad. 

I’ve now had to stand on my own two feet, without having a father in this world. 

“If you’ve been up all night and cried till you have no more tears left in you — you will know that there comes in the end a sort of quietness. You feel as if nothing was ever going to happen again.” ~ C.S. Lewis

If you’d like to explore pain, sickness and death in a small telegroup, we begin on Tuesday, October 29th, 5:15-6:45 pm pacific time.  Register Here. As always, ask me if you have concerns about the fee grace@workwithgrace.com.  

Love, Grace