Category: Trouble With Food and Eating

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Trying something new? Notice what you fear. Question it.

Holy smokes, a lot is “beginning” soon.

2020 Vision is upon us.

If you’ve ever felt moved to do or try or venture into something new…..there may be a few thoughts about it.

For example.
Just a few months ago, my friend Max texted both me and my husband “I’m signing up for a hip-hop class. Would love your company. Will you take it with me?”
I immediately went to the website, despite the late start on Tuesdays (8 pm) and looked to get more information.
I signed up. My husband wasn’t so sure, and the class was full before he could even think about it.
For me, it was a “yes” right away and I followed that “yes”.
They have a class for hip-hop? I’m in, I thought.
I’ve only learned hip-hop or other dance by watching, in school hallways long ago, on the grass outside the auditorium, at house parties, in the movies, dancing at clubs. There were no classes for dancing of this kind. The way you learned was by watching and copying and inventing.
The first night of class, my friend Max was traveling.
So I went by myself.
When you do something new, everything is like a little blossoming story unfolding right in front of you. Finding the location, finding a place to park, entering the building.
The class took place in a big busy vibrant area of my city called Capitol Hill, at Velocity Dance. People were swarming around the entrance, skipping up the steps, crowding in the entry area inside.
There was an office. A woman inside, where it was much quieter, directed me to go through all the people (who were here for another dance event) and find a door on the left that would take me to a different studio in back for my hip-hop class.
When I made my way through the throngs to this back studio and entered, a new group was milling, waiting and talking on the edge of the dance floor. People were removing coats, tucking water bottles into the cubbies provided, changing their shoes, laughing with friends.
And they were all the age of my young adult kids.
An immediate thought careening through my head “I am too old for this. What were you thinking? It’s a hip-hop class.”
But another thought right next to that one “Who am I without the thought?” Hilarious joyous laughter at the fun things I get myself into. And questioning the belief “I don’t belong.”
My mind was actually yelling for a second “You’re almost 60! Get a grip!” (I’ll be 59 in January, so it’s true, but the TONE of that voice, jeez).
Who IS that talking?
That’s a great question. Who is that who is talking with such disdain and criticism, and why are they saying it?
One of my favorite exploration in studying mind and thought is the question “What is the threat? What am I (or what is that voice) afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen?”
I recognized the assumption of that voice. It’s trying to warn me, protect me. It believes “I will be rejected, they’ll think I don’t belong, the other humans in the room (a dance studio in this case) will wish I wasn’t there.”
THEY will be threatened by ME.
Which is bad. Because, look what happens when a threat arises? A separation begins. Me vs Them. A divide.
Someone doesn’t belong.
Danger.
How do you react when you think THEY think you don’t belong? When you believe it might be a risk to go somewhere new, do something different, enter new territory, be with new humans you never met before?
How I react is I see pictures in my head of past situations when I heard of separation and rejection happening. I really have no idea how the class will unfold with all these people in it who I see in the room, but the mind conjures up images of those people being judgmental, wondering why I am here, them thinking I don’t belong.
Who would I be without this belief “I don’t belong here because of my age”?
Totally thrilled and enjoying myself. Incredibly curious about life which happened to bring me into this space and time on a dark wintry night in Seattle.
Fascinated with the other humans I see in this class–so many of them appear to be from other countries all over Asia. Fascinated by the instructor who has grey speckles in his beard (making him theoretically a little older) black eyes and gorgeous moves.
Noticing very quickly how the mind doesn’t care about age anymore and is more curious about everyone and is full of questions, questions, questions.
Without the thought, this body becomes a vehicle for watching what is, listening. Noticing other bodies with arms and legs and necks. Watching them with absolute wonder as they move–some of them looking as if they are also incredibly new and awkward to movement in this way.
Without the thought that I’m too old for this class, I’m hearing music I remember from the 90s (my favorite!). Wondering if these dance students know this music, since they were probably babies when it was produced.
Turning the thought around: I belong here, at the age of this body.
How could this be true that it’s wonderful, an enhancement, something beneficial that I’m here showing up in this aged body and the “oldest” in the class?
Well, first of all….I’m here. That’s what happened. So I should be there, because I am.
Second, I feel incredibly grateful and absolutely fascinated that I’m so drawn to dancing, and dancing happens easily at my age as any other age. I appear to be more comfortable, in fact, than some of the other dancers.
Third, I get reminded of my two young adult kids who I adore.
Fourth, I get to learn new dance moves. I get to learn a dance routine, which is difficult for me–I usually dance very spontaneously and memorizing the routine requires concentration.
There’s no real reason I don’t belong. No one says for me to leave. No one looks at me funny, in fact they seem friendly.
Turning the thought around again: My aged thinking doesn’t belong here.
Now that’s the truth. My thinking is very old. It’s an old, ancient story of perceiving who does or does not belong based on something to do with the body.
My mind was being prejudiced. We do this to ourselves as much as we do it to others, I’ve noticed.
Who would you be without your story? What might you do? What would you explore? What new experience would you sign up for?
If you were truly free, noticing exactly where you are in the perfect place to be in a body–yours–what would that feel like without your thinking?

“The basic realization that other people can’t possibly be your problem, that it’s your thoughts about them that are the problem–this realization is huge. This one insight will shake your whole world, from top to bottom”. ~ Byron Katie

 

Much love,

Grace

 

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I am not home–how do YOU react?

Something about fall. Crisp. Fresh. Orange.

The beginning of the end. Nature is decaying and going dark for the winter. Leaves fall, the sky looks gray, the sun shines far less (where I live).

I love going on retreat at this time of year, and taking the precious time to sink into inquiry.

I’ve experienced very deeply and sincerely that when my relationship to reality actually changes through this work, my movement in the world changes, and the outcomes I experience actually wind up changing, naturally.

  • half-day Living Turnarounds Deep Divers retreat October 14th from 2-6 pm ($50)
  • October 17th evening through October 21st morning, autumn retreat. We have one room left for anyone wanting to stay at a reduced fee onsite at the beautiful retreat house, but commuters also welcome.
  • December 6-9 a winter retreat in the woods of Breitenbush Thursday evening through Sunday morning.

The other day, I was reflecting on one of my first most terrible, dreadful “loneliness” stories.

I was going to share this story with only the Eating Peace mailing list, but I had the thought you might like to reflect on the very same story….even if you have never had a single moment of trouble with food, eating or weight.

The “I Am Lonely” story.

I am not connected, I am abandoned, I am alone, I am not safe.

I AM NOT HOME.

This story is incredibly stressful.

When I believed it was the truth, what did I do?

I isolated, I tried to hold back tears, I slept a lot or lay in my bed…and I ate.

This is a truly powerful story to question. So let’s do it today (and you’re welcome to watch my live youtube on this right here).

I am not home.

Is it true?

No.

When I think about this right now, today, I can still find the voice that wonders where home is….that isn’t so sure it’s here, now. But I really can’t know that voice is accurate.

The thought comes in “where else would home be, if not here?”

I can really see it’s not True.

But how do you react when you think it is?

Doubt enters my heart, and I feel it in my body. I believe I won’t be safe quite soon, and I’m not emotionally safe now. I can’t relax. I want to go home, like a little kid saying “where’s my mommy?”

And if you watch my story I shared on youtube, you’ll know that the way I reacted to this belief “I am not home” is that I ate.

I ate and ate and ate and stuffed and filled myself. I remember I knew how to say in French, “J’ai manger trop”.

“I ate too much!”

I said this many times to my student leader on my foreign exchange program who was probably about 24 and seemed so old and wise and capable. I remember her saying back to me “you’ve said that a lot!”

Ugh.

I’ve sat with many people in this stressful belief. Some people react by hunting for the perfect mate. Some people buy clothes and go shopping and try to enhance their environment with a feeling of “home”. Some people watch TV or movies, or join a ton of groups, or fill their time with way too many tasks.

Just watch, if you’ve held this belief that you are not ultimately at home, how stressful it can be.

I notice that I’ve felt source, reality, universe, God, were very far away somewhere and not listening to me. (I notice it makes no sense at all, really, but the images are of distance, outer space, being cut-off, feeling desperately sad).

Now….who would you be without this belief you aren’t home?

I instantly notice a sense of relief or wonder about this moment. It’s quiet, yet I can hear a lot of sounds–crows and eagles outside, a group passing by on bikes calling to each other, wind chimes on the front porch, a loud motor from the busy street in the distance.

But I suppose it would be fine if suddenly I was deaf.

And what would this moment be like without sight, without the belief you aren’t home?

I find there’s a trust present that I didn’t feel before. Something kind. I’m not assuming darkness or blackness means aloneness or separation.

Turning the thought around: what if you are connected? What if you are home?

I am connected, I am found, I am surrounded, I am safe.

Was that actually true for me at that time so long ago when I shared my story of being so far away in another country?

Yes.

I had a group leader, I had adults who had welcomed me into their home to spend time with their family for the entire summer, I sang all summer with my friends in 3-part harmony during our bike ride adventure through France, I felt joy at the beauty I witnessed of landscapes and castles and camping in barns on hay, I learned that I didn’t need my parents or family around in order to be happy.

I also learned that something in me felt terrified and reached for food for relief, escape and comfort. I lost some of my innocence of childhood and discovered I had something vital to contend with—my inner soul’s desire to connect with other humans honestly (instead of food).

It was not easy.

I am still practicing and learning the living turnaround: I am home.

But what I can see is when I do not believe that I’m not home and there’s no hope in returning home, I do not eat wildly and desperately.

I notice a need to articulate my feelings and speak them. I ask for support and put myself in environments where I will receive it. I connect with other people–including all the clients and people who appear for groups–and we do this work, together.

I feel in this body, and in my consciousness, a sense of now, here, being, open.

Gratitude may appear. Thankful for this chair. Thankful for this tree. Thankful for this mind, these thoughts, these feelings even.

This. Nothing more required.

Geese appear high over us,
pass, and the sky closes. Abandon,
as in love or sleep, holds
them to their way, clear
in the ancient faith: what we need
is here. And we pray, not
for new earth or heaven, but to be
quiet in heart, and in eye,
clear. What we need is here.
~ Wendell Berry

Much love,
Grace
P.S. A few spots left in autumn retreat and half-day living turnarounds group has room for 4 more.

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Do I really want it? Or does something bigger than “it” want me?

Right now, I find thoughts are ticker-taping through my life on money and eating, mostly because the money and eating courses are well underway.

I find it fascinating how these two forms of energy (money and food) have to do with consuming and taking in, but also letting go and releasing.

If money and our favorite food were lying on a table in front of us, we might see our hand reach out to take it.

I see it. I want it. I could take it. I’ll take it. I have it. It’s mine!

Did it provide what I was looking for? Did it give me what I really wanted?

Sometimes, this very pattern is extremely unsatisfying, but compelling: Working very hard and long hours for money. Eating way too much.

To explore this cycle, what if we went back to the seeing it, before we grabbed it or consumed it or used it, and paused right there?

Sometimes, the first time we “see” something we want is in our minds. The food or money isn’t around, but we picture it vividly. The color, the feel, the bank account statement, the spending, the texture, the possibilities, the excitement, the security or the focus on this pleasurable thing.

This thing called food. This thing called money.

People will say in the classes as we’re looking at our beliefs these common and stressful thoughts: “I can’t stop eating” or “I can’t relax around money”.

So what if we looked today at this “wanting” experience that happens when an image comes to mind of food, or riches? This is before we get it, but we’re dang sure we want it. See how good it looks?

I want, want, want it. 

Is it true?

Huh? I mean….of course that’s true! What an odd question! I have tons of evidence of this being true. I’ve grabbed it a thousand billion times. I’ve consumed and spent it. I’ve used it. I’ve eaten it.

I am the one who wants that thing. It’s been true for so long.

Are you sure?

Can you absolutely know it’s true you want that pile of money or that bowl of sugar? Is there no room for any doubt at all? Are you positive…forever and ever?

Boinnnnggggg! (That’s like a cartoon frying pan hitting me on the cartoon head)!

I can’t know it’s true I want it! If I pause a moment, it seems like I don’t. I have no idea. Weird.  I thought I was in a frenzy every time, but now I’m not so sure. Woah.

Interesting.

How do you react when you think you waaaannnnntttt it?

That’s easy. I grab like a Tasmanian Devil. I feel very unsatisfied.

So who would you be without this stressful thought that you For Sure want what you’re looking at? (Oh that cash, on that ice cream, oh that love, oh that attention, oh that success….)

Oh my. I’d start laughing.

Without the belief I want it?

Haha!

And something opens up, because maybe I really wanted something else all along. Maybe I want safety, security, love, soothing from serious trauma in the past, connection, intimacy.

So often, I wanted intimacy–to really join closely with someone. Food was next best thing. Money was for those other people who deserved it.

Turning the thought around: I don’t want it. My thinking wants it. Not “I” or me.  

How could this be just as true, or truer?

It didn’t really fulfill me. It didn’t eliminate the pain. I didn’t feel comfortable even after I had it. Spending or eating or hoarding or starving all happened, and still something feels empty or too full.

I’ve also worked with so many people with tons of money who aren’t perfectly content. Or who are eating the perfect diet, and they aren’t satisfied.

Turning the thought around again: It wants me.

How could this be true?

I know this sounds cosmic. Like, what is “it”? Seriously? Are we talking the food wants me, or the money? That doesn’t even make sense.

But I like this turnaround anyway. Life wants me. Love wants me. The present moment wants me, fully here, not half here, not wanting-ly here full of my complaints about what is.

God, Allah, The Friend, Presence, Surrender, Rest, Being wants me, the real true me that is not alone and not abandoned and not freaking out and too scared to inquire.

I Am and I Am Not
I’m drenched
in the flood 
which has yet to come 
I’m tied up 
in the prison
which has yet to exist
Not having played
the game of chess
I’m already the checkmate
Not having tasted
a single cup of your wine
I’m already drunk
Not having entered
the battlefield
I’m already wounded and slain
I no longer
know the difference
between image and reality
Like the shadow
I am
And
I am not
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

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How relaxed can you get? Let’s question the HURRY story.

You know that panicked voice in the head screaming GO! GO! MOVE! NOW!

Especially when it’s not really a true emergency?

I appears there’s a frantic underlying belief when it comes to compulsive behavior, or addictive behavior, of any kind.

Eating and food were my focus of urgency when I had the thought.

I must eat something sweet immediately! I have to get some food NOW!

The compulsion feels like an emergency.

But really, you don’t have to have ever had a single compulsive bite of food.

Most people have experienced a compulsive bite of thought, however.

What do I mean by compulsive thought?

The dictionary defines compulsion as riveting, fascinating, compelling, gripping, engrossing, enthralling, captivating, irresistible, uncontrollable, overwhelming, urgent, obsessive.

Have you noticed your thoughts have to have this kind of energy before you actually DO something compulsive?

It’s like this: I have a thought that frightens me, and I believe it’s real and true.

It happens in two milliseconds flat.

I’m a believer!

It doesn’t cross my mind to question whether or not the idea was true, or to question my conclusions, or the stressful things I’m imagining.

Nope, I simply decided without question what that person said about me, or what happened, or what will happen, and what I’m feeling….are threatening.

What’s happening isn’t good.

Help! Help! Help!

(Cut to chicken running around with head cut off).

Most people when they get scared begin to do everything possible to CALM DOWN.

Compulsion, addiction, temporary insanity, craving, urges, driven, wild, frenzied, wanting, needy, desperate, grabbing, crying, wailing, screaming, self-pity….

….oh boy.

The drama! The excitement!

And….the extreme suffering.

We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.

I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.

(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).

So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth about reality?

I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.

(How will I know what’s true if I don’t believe my mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)

But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.

To notice you ARE the freedom.

But if you’re not so sure yet how inquiry works when it comes to this thought that something has to happen NOW…..let’s inquire:

Is it true you need to move faster than a speeding bullet to either get food, get to solid ground, stop feeling nervous, run away right NOW?

No.

Cravings might be intense. You may want to indulge in your usual distraction activity, or comfort process. I notice, however, it doesn’t HAVE to happen NOW.

How do you react when you believe it’s urgent?

You’re eating before you know it. You’re yelling. You’re breaking up with your lover. You’re calling the divorce attorney. You’re sending emails you may regret later. You’re driving to buy drugs, or wine.

Who would you be without the belief you have to do it NOW?

What if you feel all fired up, but you didn’t believe you had to respond as if it was imperative, critical, required right now?

It’s a strange and interesting and wild feeling, to sit with turmoil in the mind, and even the body and heart….but not respond as if it’s absolutely true.

Without the thought you have to eat? Or scream? Or end your relationship? Or send that email? Or use drugs or alcohol?

Such a relief, really, that it’s not required.

It doesn’t mean you’ll do nothing. But to relax, inquire, and move from there instead of the wild compulsive feeling is so much clearer and feels so much more centered.

It’s not destructive either. To you, or to those you love.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT have to eat something sweet immediately! I don’t have to eat anything right now. I do not have to escape. It’s not urgent. 

Could this be just as true, or truer?

I notice it’s far more true than the original statement.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking has to sweeten immediately! My thoughts are compulsive right now. I have to escape my thinking. My thoughts are imagining urgency, chaos, threats.

What I notice, is this was entirely true every single time I ever had the compulsion to overeat urgently, or to binge eat: I needed to question my thinking, to make friends with my feelings, to relax.

“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into fight-or-flight, not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Amazing to realize it’s possible to question your fearful, urgent thinking, and change your fearful, urgent behaviors. The best news of all is they just naturally change, without you really trying or managing or getting more willpower or control.

Questioning your thoughts is soooo worth it. It really does mean freedom.

If you’d like to join my November Eating Peace webinar, I’ll talk all about beliefs that frequently cause eating battles, starting with this “urgent” belief….and how to dissolve it.

If this topic interests you, then reserve your seat for the live webinar immersion class HERE (there will be a recording made for replay). You’ll receive an email immediately with three options for attending: November 4th 7:30 am, November 7th 4:00 pm and November 9th 8:00 am. At the very end of the webinar, I’ll share about the upcoming Eating Peace Process beginning November 14th.

Eating Peace Process webinar
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You need their love, praise, money, companionship, home cooking….are you sure?

It’s funny (sort of) how we humans tend to move towards things we think will benefit us, individually. Nothing wrong with it, but it can be very stressful if you think that without it, your life won’t be as good, or isn’t as good already.

I need or want “x”….and I’m sure I’d be better off with it. So I go a-hunting for it. I try to acquire it. I try to earn it. I bend over backwards for it.

Maybe I sacrifice for it.

Money. Relationship. Happiness. Security. Adventure. Enlightenment.

I’ve seen other people with the thing I want. But not me.

Relationships can be presented in this way. The belief for some is that it’s better to have one. When you get a good, close, committed love relationship….then you’ll be happy. You’ll be secure. You’ll have companionship. You’ll get things, like a house or status, or cash, or attention, or fun, or someone to talk to.

It’s such a strong desire for many people that matchmaking businesses make a lot of money connecting people. People just feel so very certain if they find someone and call them their special companion, move in together, get married….

….they will get what they want. Then they’ll be happy.

An inquirer once came to me to work on his beliefs about couples.

He wasn’t in a relationship. But he thought he should be. He really thought he needed a girlfriend. He had enlisted in many services to help him find a mate.

And yet, so far, he was single basically his entire life.

I asked him what he thought couples had, that he didn’t?

And since we were doing The Work, which is all about your real thoughts on the subject without editing, I asked him also what was the worst that could happen if he was in a primary relationship with another person and it didn’t go the way he liked?

So he thought about what he believed he would have, if he had a girlfriend (and then a wife) and he said he’d have sex, and someone better at cooking than him….so, meals. A welcoming kitchen. A companion for trips overseas.

Another time, I was working with a woman who had been married for ages. She felt bored and tired of her husband of 30 years. Uninvolved in his life, disconnected, uninterested, uncaring.

What made her NOT leave or move to South America where she longed to go? She also answered honestly, since we were doing The Work.

Money. Security. She didn’t have to work at a job as long as she remained married and didn’t disrupt the status quo.

What I see in what people bring to relationships, is extreme amounts of stress when they expect something in return for being in the relationship, or expect they owe something for being in the relationship.

I give you “x”, you give me “y”, we have a deal.

Problem is….humans aren’t that reliable.

Life itself isn’t that reliable, or known, can’t be planned, can’t be controlled, isn’t a trade agreement. It’s also not All About Me. Making sure “I” at least get some, even if everyone else doesn’t.

But let’s do The Work, and see where this goes. Nothing like inquiry to open up the awareness and the gate of understanding.

What do you believe a love relationship will give you? If you’re already in a committed relationship, what do you believe your relationship ensures?

You need that relationship in order to be: wealthy, free to not work, adventure, expand emotionally, feel loved, grow, be seen as cool, feel safe.

Is this true?

Be honest.

If you say “yes” see if it’s absolutely true for all time that you need that relationship in order to be ______ (fill in the blank).

How do you react when you believe you need a relationship in order to feel or get or be loved, rich, safe, honored, comfortable, enlightened, seen in a good light?

Oh man.

The man who came to do The Work was looking at this pay-off for having a relationship: sex, companionship, meals.

How he reacted was he dated many, many women and broke up with them if they didn’t like to cook or want to keep house. He paid for elaborate adventures and bought gifts for the ones who did. He constantly wished for the ideal woman. He felt critical and angry when someone he thought might be the “one” didn’t do it the way he preferred.

He treated himself like his own company wasn’t that great–and being with another was better. He always felt restless and frustrated. He said he felt resentful if the sex wasn’t right.

Who would you be without your story?

We do place so much on relationships. It’s in the love songs, and our language. We project feeling supported, loved, valued because of that other person’s actions, or what they say.

But who would we be without our story of relationship?

Sometimes, I’ve had the thought I’d be alone. It doesn’t mean that at all.

Without the stressful story of relationship meaning we’re loved, safe, secure, wealthy, compensated (and the story that without one it means we aren’t or we’re not)….

….I find I’m free to love unconditionally.

Truly resting in love. No deal-making. No trades. No focus on myself and how this is all about me and “my” relationship. No expectations. No hardness. No risks. No scarcity.

Without my story of relationship being necessary in order for me to feel safe, for example, I notice the joy of how much safety I’ve experienced whether in relationship, or not. I survived, so far. Someday I won’t.

And it won’t be because I wasn’t in a relationship (LOL). It will be because it’s my time to go. I’m not in charge.

The sweet inquirer who did The Work noticed that without his thought of needing a relationship for sex, companionship or meals….

….he could see how much he loved going to restaurants all the time, and all the servers he knew like friends. He could enjoy the company of many kinds of people, in wide variety. He loved his alone time and the simplicity of life without focus on anyone else. He paid for pornography that had no attachment. The trade was money. This felt really easy for him.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need a relationship in order to be _______ (wealthy, safe, loved, comfortable, grow, etc).

Can you find advantages of not being in relationship, if you aren’t?

Can you find advantage for being IN relationship, if you are?

How exciting, thrilling and fun to explore whatever is here, and to appreciate it without expectations, demands, control, or neediness.

“When you say or do anything to please, get, keep, influence, or control anyone or anything, fear is the cause and pain is the result.

If you act from fear, there’s no way you can receive love, because you’re trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love. Every stressful thought separates you from people. But once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don’t have to do anything for love. The fact is that when I have my own approval, I’m happy, and I don’t need anyone else’s.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True? 

Turning the thought around again: I need a relationship with myself in order to be ______ (fill in the words you’ve been looking at). I need a relationship with my own thinking.

I’ve often thought about how this doesn’t mean I live in a bubble and never ask for a thing. Not at all.

If I’m thirsty, I go get some water or ask for it or buy it. But I don’t believe I need a special relationship to quench my thirst. I’m an adult, with an open mind. I can move to care for myself and all connect with all life, with ease.

I find when I am accepting of myself entirely, why would I ever “need” to receive compliments, money, companionship, love, growth, praise, nurturing, safety through any relationship. I’d have all these things available to me already through the whole world.

Exciting.

If you want to really work on relating and relationship in your life, and clean up your stressful thinking when it comes to what you think you need from someone else….come to Breitenbush in December. Watch here for the short invite my husband Jon and I made for you:

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Eating Peace: If violence worked….wouldn’t you have changed by now?

Most humans at some point encounter the idea, often from a very young age, that violence–including verbal violence–will enforce change.

Do it! Now! Go! Scream! Or else!

We know we want change, because we’re suffering. We get impatient, lost, frustrated. Being loving and kind doesn’t seem like it will bring change.

But have you ever tried it? Especially when it comes to meeting your feelings (especially fears and other uncomfortable emotions) with compassion?

Byron Katie says in her book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” the following quote about the moment when you think Oh Sh*t! I screwed up! This isn’t going well!

A mistake has happened. You ate the wrong thing. You overate. You judged your weight.

It’s a moment of Rejection of What Is (not loving what is):

“What are the thoughts that come at these moments? Many of these thoughts are about what you would have done if you had known better, or seen it coming, or remembered. You think that if you had done something other than what you did, you could have stayed in control of events.” ~ Byron Katie

But who would you be without the thought that what’s happened in the past, whether an hour ago, or last week, or 3 months ago, or 10 years ago…..was a mistake?

What if I could hold those binge-eating moments, or the weight gained, or eating some unacceptable food, with compassion and gentleness?

Are you sure you did something wrong, back then? Who would you be without this stressful story?

You can use your imagination to wonder the answer to this question. What if you didn’t need violent thought to bring about permanent change?

I notice that anything that’s truly become a long-term change has come out of awareness, not violence. Doing The Work and questioning my thoughts has offered slowing down, and absence of thinking I know what’s true.

What a relief.

What if you turned around the belief in violent thinking towards yourself, to make change?

Turned around: loving thinking towards myself will make change.

I find this to be very true. Much truer. Force or violence might bring about temporary change, but not permanent change, and certainly not peace.

I love with food and eating, you might let peace be your intention, above all.

See what happens.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Two physical sensations worth questioning, for your eating freedom

Have you ever noticed the deep self-criticism (or self-pride) you might feel because you’re full, or you’re hungry?

Fullness and hunger are two states of physical sensation when it comes to eating and the body.

Some of us who have pushed the boundaries super far on these conditions have felt the pain….of both extremely stuffed with food, or extremely hungry for food.

We all know we’d like to avoid either extreme. It’s natural to want to be somewhere more in the middle, and more relaxed. If it was easy to simply remain in the middle, without swinging to extremes, we would.

Something about this isn’t easy, when it gets thrown off balance.

One way you can find some insights on your own beliefs about these states of sensation, is to judge them relentlessly. See what you really believe about yourself when you’re super hungry, or super full (or about anyone else when they are).

What does fullness mean about you, as a person? (It’s often really horrible, but sometimes good, I know).

What does hunger mean about you, as a person? (Also horrible, but sometimes good, for other reasons).

When you identify your most painful thoughts about either one of these conditions, you might find some surprising beliefs come forward into awareness.

The good news, is you can then question these thoughts using The Work of Byron Katie.

Is it true, for example, that you’re “good” when you’re hungry, and “bad” when you’re full?

Really consider it. I used to “know” it wasn’t true, but I’d act completely like it was, and something believed it at a very deep level.

Who would you be without your story, your judgment, your assessment, your belief?

There’s great freedom in wondering who you’d be without your story of hunger and fullness. You might get to experience these sensations like you’re feeling them for the very first time. Like they are sacred, interesting messages, worthy of paying attention to….over the mind’s thoughts to ignore them.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Freedom is not rebellion or control….it’s peace

After a couple of years of eating, gaining weight, feeling horrible, feeling like my obsession with eating was growing bigger….

….I decided I just had to control myself, no matter what.

I went on a major diet. Hard core. No starvation, no overeating. Very clear, clear boundaries. Very rigid. Weighing, measuring, counting. timing the way I would eat.

My belief about myself was I could not be trusted to eat in a normal peaceful way, so I threw myself in prison with a serious food plan.

I was miserable.

I felt afraid all the time. I felt angry. I was withdrawn from connection with other people. I was thinking about food constantly, just the same way I had been thinking about food all the time when I binge-ate.

Did eating really have to mean my only two choices were being Totally In Control or Totally Out of Control?

There had to be another way.

The Rebel can sometimes be the one who helps you find that other way.

The rebel by definition is the one who rises, with arms (violence) against the ruler who is in control. Often in the story of humanity, the rebels are then overruled by the current regime. It’s all about war and who has the most power.

But we can learn from rebellion stories, and from our own inner rebels….if we listen to them.

Who would we be if we stopped attacking or running away from either one of these extremes; Dictator or Rebel?

What does the rebel have to say? Why do you feel angry?

If anger existed in this situation around food, eating, taking in fuel in the world, expressing your feelings, trusting yourself, trusting you’ll get what you need….

….what do you think anger wants to say?

The brilliant Karla McLaren (whose work I refer to in the Eating Peace Process–the immersion program I offer live once a year) writes and speaks of anger as the one in you who stands up with passion for freedom, choice, health (when it’s a clear, holy sort of anger).

Anger goes sideways a lot, I know.

How do we work with it, so it becomes our ally and friend?

First….write down what it has to say. No matter how “wrong” or immature, non-politically correct, rude, ridiculous, shameful, mean.

Write down what the voice of the Rebel has to say. Listen to it for once instead of attacking it, or going with it.

When you write down what that feeling and voice has to say, especially when it’s been so powerful in your life, you give it the respect of listening.

And then….what next?

Have I got four questions (plus finding turnarounds) for you! The Work of Byron Katie. A most amazing contemplation for your inner world that brings awareness, and awareness that comes directly from that rebellious angry childish part of you.

No need to find anything different, no need to lock yourself up or lock up your feelings or force yourself to change.

I used to be on a diet, because I actually approached the world the very same way: treat the world like a diet. Avoid certain things, weigh some things, measure some things, count some things.

Otherwise…..suffer.

That wasn’t freedom, though. Freedom to be an imperfect human without a plan. Freedom to be real, clear, and have strong feelings–without having to eat over it.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: I HAVE TO eat. Let’s do The Work on this stressful belief!

In the moment we begin craving, we start believing “I have to eat”.

It could even be we have the thought “I have to eat” out of constant repetitive habit of doing this in the past….and then we begin to crave eating.

The craving gets bigger.

Then, it feels the only way to end this horrible craving, is to eat.

I’m against the craving! I hate the craving! I must end it, overpower it, switch the channel.

Self-inquiry at a very deep level is one way you’ll truly meet your craving, your compulsion to eat.

So let’s do it today. I share the process of inquiry here on this simple and very stressful thought “I have to eat!” (You can substitute anything here, for the word “eat”).

Turnaround Three: I have to inquire.

What else is the mind thinking, what other underlying beliefs are present in your experience of sharing the world with food and a body that eats? What are you afraid of? Or sad about?

These are other beautiful questions that appear under the thought “I have to eat”. The awareness of disturbed feelings under the surface that just want a little comfort.

Inquiry will comfort them more than food. Really! Find out for yourself.

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace: If you binge, overeat, break your vow….do these two things

What happens when you do it again?

You Binged. Overate. Stuffed yourself slowly at a big party, with junk. Maybe you had seconds when one helping would have been plenty.

You find yourself in the place, maybe for the billionth time (you think), of having hurt yourself through eating, food, or compulsive behavior.

The usual results, the aftermath of a binge, is some form of violent thinking towards the self. The mind says ?You screwed up, you did it wrong. You’re a mess”. 

You sinned, you’re guilty, you deserve to be punished.

Then, the feelings of despair, confusion, and being waaaaay too small for this overwhelming problem become even bigger.

You feel even worse.

Maybe you think “why even bother trying?”

The cycle of violence around either controlling yourself, attacking yourself, punishing yourself makes you feel so horrible.

There are two things, very simple, that you can do if you’ve found yourself coming to after a binge, even if you’ve done it many times before.

First, give yourself some kindness for how frightened, powerless, empty or nervous you’ve been. Find some gentleness in your heart for being you. Soften to who you are.

Your eating comes out of disrupted emotions, at least mine sure did. Or some kind of emotional experiences I didn’t like.

Second, wait 24 hours. Don’t make plans, build up your army against your cravings, or do anything. Just get quiet, relax and slow down. Don’t binge eat or go off the food that works for you for 24 hours. You’ll feel so much better tomorrow. Everything can be different by taking a deep breath and waiting a day.

Much love,

Grace