Month: December 2013

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Thank You For Changing Rooms With Me This Year

Jeez, there is stuff everywhere about the last day of 2013, welcome in the new year 2014, reflect on the highs and lows of 2013, make 2014 the best year ever, let’s set some goals, let’s check off what we accomplished…

….but! It’s just another day! The birds outside have no idea that it’s new year’s eve!

Hee hee.

The Committee appears to be having a discussion about the date change and its meaning and worth.

Numbers, calendars, dates, days, times, goals, plans, resolutions. What does it matter?

It means nothing! There’s no real point!

It does too mean something! It’s a time to reflect, contemplate, review the year.

This needs to have a point, I wish I understood it fully.

Is that absolutely true?

How do you react when you are believing that something, whatever it is, needs to have a clear point or meaning, when it doesn’t appear to have one?

Who would you be without that thought? Without believing that you need to understand what’s going on, or groc what’s happening, or have something “big” happen on New Years?

I would simply be watching….feeling gratitude, looking around with curiosity and wonder.

Whatever you are moved to “do” or say, think, or express in this time when the counter moves forward and we’re about to call it 2014 here on planet earth amongst most of the humans….

….there is something exquisite about using this fascinating mind to meditate on the beauty I’ve seen this past year, inside and out.

It reminds me of the beauty of the present moment.

Last night I sat in a circle of smiling, kind eyes in the faces of gentle friends who gathered on purpose to share whatever came out of them right then.

A timer was set on an iphone, each person got five minutes to speak without interruption.

(Yes, it was my first time out of the house to a social gathering since my surgery!)

As people shared, it sounded like a different instrument playing with each voice, the content, the cadence.

Suddenly, I felt that sweeping rose-colored wave of delight with All This, whatever This is.

A cup of turkey soup, glass table, the back of my husband’s neck, green pine tree needles, a hand, a napkin with tiny red flowers, white buttons, brown tender eyes, voices.

Whether this moment marks anything, or not, I love that we can change rooms, gather with others, investigate our thinking.

For all of you reading, I wish you great love in this new moment, the sweetness of simply noticing what is around you, wherever you are.

Happy New Moment To You.

I can’t wait to be with you here in Grace Notes for this next year of continued adventure with inquiry.

“Leave the familiar for a while.

Let your senses and bodies stretch out

Like a welcomed season.

Onto the meadow and shores and hills.
Open up to the Roof.
Make a new watermark on your excitement
And love.

Like a blooming night flower,

Bestow your vital fragrance of happiness

And giving

Upon our intimate assembly.
Change rooms in your mind for a day.
All the hemispheres in existence

Lie beside an equator

In your heart.
Greet Yourself

In your thousand other forms
As you mount the hidden tide and travel
Back home. 
All the hemispheres in heaven
Are sitting around a fire
Chatting 
While stitching themselves together
Into the Great Circle inside of
You.”
~ Hafiz

With much love, Grace

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NOT Live From The Cleanse

Two years ago I was sending off my first Grace Notes, Live From The Cleanse with Byron Katie in Los Angeles.

I remember sitting in the internet cafe at the hotel, computer screens glowing in a circle…very quiet all around, murmurs of people coming and going in the dark muted lobby…the smell of Starbucks, the glow of red, green and white holiday lights.

….and then I’m back inside the huge conference room, absorbing the profound work happening up on stage, Katie sitting in one large comfortable chair, a courageous human sitting in the other, answering the four questions of The Work.

Thoughts being questioned, ideas being reviewed, perhaps dropped, beliefs being un-believed, examined.

I remember the first time, with all this slowing down and looking at thoughts, that I examined what “believing” something meant.

When someone says “I believe…..”

What are they saying? What am I saying?

In the dictionary, the word believe is defined as this: to be convinced by, to give credence to, to regard as true, to credit, trust, put confidence in, to imagine, suspect, suppose, assume, presume, conclude, deduce, understand. 

Nowhere does believing mean that it actually IS 100% true.

This is a relief when you’re believing something stressful and upsetting, when you’re believing a situation is not so good.

I loved when once a teacher said believing something is when you repeat it over and over to yourself, you find proof again and again…so you conclude it must be the way it is.

Here’s the really funny thing. I have discovered that some things only have to happen, well, ONCE….and I’ve believed them to be true, at least acted like it was for days, weeks, months and years beyond the original incident.

Other things have repeated themselves hundreds of times, and yet…I am not sure of it’s absolute truth, I’m acting like it’s NOT true.

Hmmmm….a little fishy.

Could my perspective be one that shifts, changes, perhaps isn’t entirely accurate, maybe doesn’t have all the variables or parts?

Stephen Hawking, the famous physicist, says “even though I cannot move, and have to speak through a computer…in my mind, I am free. Free to explore the great questions of the universe.”

Stephen is completely paralyzed in almost every way, except that his eyes blink and his heart beats, and he does not feel trapped.

Simply being able to ASK is freedom!?

WOW.

How exciting to be able to ask if something is true! To explore!

(And sometimes….alarming, I know).

Those first two questions known as The Work:

1) Is it true?

2) Can I absolutely know it is true?

So powerful, without any of the other steps.

When I look at where I am not believing I am free in my mind…where I think something or someone or some incident is holding me back from freedom, is creating a prison for me, is bringing sadness, fear, regret, unhappiness….

…how truly amazing to ask “Is it true? REALLY? Are you absolutely sure? Are you seeing the whole entire picture?”

And I love that you only need to do this with stressful thoughts.

“Ask YOU if it’s true…Don’t ask if the thought matches what you’ve been told or have learned. Don’t consider the way life is supposed to look….Don’t consult the part of you that knows what the answer SHOULD be. The question is, does the thought match what you know inside? Does that thought resonate with your deepest sense of reality?” ~ Byron Katie

Is it true that here in this life, I am paralyzed, trapped, stuck, missing out, frozen, I have to live it out this way, there’s rules I can’t ignore, laws of the universe and physics…..and it’s a BAD thing? It’s hard? It’s a shame? It’s sad? 100%?

How inspiring that Stephen Hawking can answer “no”.

Is it true that I can’t have the same inspired feelings I would have if I were LIVE, in the flesh, at the Cleanse?

No.

I can have joy, love, peace, tears, questions…all right here, in this great and wonderful mind, without my body going anywhere.

How inspiring that we get to try on our own answers.

With much love,

Grace

 

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Quick Announcements – And The Heaven of Not Knowing

A few quick announcements today:

I love the feedback I’m receiving for the Peaceful Eating guidebook, keep it coming: what is most helpful, what is not necessary, what your questions are.

Click HERE to get it now, and to get updates on recovery from more extreme painful eating issues and the development of a new teleclass program. There is no obligation to participate in any program offered…I would simply love your help by hearing your desires and questions.

ALSO: There is one space open for someone who is at a basic experienced level of The Work in the Year of Inquiry YOI programthat started last September. A rare opportunity. We’re entering the month of January with the topic: MONEY.

What is YOI? I call it Yoi Joy for fun.

It’s NOT just for joy though. It’s for the investigation of reality.

We spend every month on a new topic, with a new focus, doing The Work together, inquiring into our stressful beliefs, changing our worlds, connecting with deep honest intimacy. Our commitment is to examine what’s going on when we don’t want to allow what is.

Not just allow….but love what is. Like the book title “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie (required reading for the group).

Someone in YOI said this group becomes your pit crew, as Annie Lamott calls it….your support team in inquiry.

Unlike the people with whom you interact in your daily life, the primary sharing is the most stressful, dreadful, embarrassing, upsetting beliefs running through the mind….

….and then of course, The Work on those same beliefs.

If you’d like to join in with this current group, hit reply to write me. Our meetings are Thursdays, Pacific time 5:15-6:45 pm.

If you’d like to start from the very beginning for the Year of Inquiry, another YOI group 2014 will begin soon Fridays at 9:00 am Pacific time.

And on this day with simple announcements here in Grace Notes (I will be back tomorrow with written inquiry) I send a little preview about looking ahead into a new year, a new time, a new life, new goals, whatever is coming…..

….with no hope.

Yes, chuckling here. You read that right.

Even with all the awareness we have of time passing, of futures and pasts and wondering what’s coming up, or what that thing that occurred last week was all about……

….I wish you the deepest rest and relaxation right as you read this, right now.

Letting everything be the way it is for today.

“Letting there be room for not knowing is the most important thing of all. When there’s a big disappointment, we don’t know if that’s the end of the story. It may just be the beginning of a great adventure. Life is like that. We don’t know anything. We call something bad; we call it good. But really we just don’t know.”  ~ Pema Chodron 

Heaven to be in group inquiry:

“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months. And here we are in this terrific group. Heaven.” 

~ YOI Group Participant

With much love, Grace

P.S. For a short time the free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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I’m Missing Something Blues

Alas. So sad. Get out the violins! Don black apparel!

I realize I can’t attend the Cleanse (the big New Years event in LA with Byron Katie).

I’m not physically able to actually sit on the airplane tomorrow. A wheelchair could wheel me to the gate, and I am able to use my crutches to get from wheelchair to aisle…

…but dang it, the sitting is not possible without lots of pain!

I must admit. The realization, the changing of the plane reservations, the sorting out who might have my Cleanse ticket all comes easily.

Then afterwards, those little thoughts of loss, missing something, not getting what “I” want.

Have you ever had this feeling?

  • this is terrible news
  • I’m losing: connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression, fun, insight, realization, discovery
  • not going means boredom, dullness, lack of inspiration, not meeting people face-to-face who I love
  • I will miss something

Arggh! Rats! It’s true! It’s true! That sounded fun! Staying home and lying in bed is no fun!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I’m losing out, that I’m missing something, that my life here with crutches is boring, dull, uninspired, and without intimacy?

Am I sure this is terrible news?

No.

Oddly, the whole thing is sort of surreal, like a dream.

I’m a character in a soap opera, and the main character (me of course) was in the hospital and now is out….and let’s see what will happen NEXT!?

How do I react when I think I’m missing out? How do I react when I think that over there is better than this here?

Sad. Frustrated. Failing.

I think this here isn’t good enough. This moment, alone. This time and place reality is empty, that one is full. This one is sad, that one is happy. This one has nothing to offer, that one has everything to offer.

Yikes.

So who would I be without the thought that I am missing out? That this moment here isn’t the same as any moment at the Cleanse?

I would wait, and look, and contemplate what is happening here, now, in this present.

I would get out the Cleanse recording from last year, and listen. I would notice that I love intimacy, connection, genuine contact. Maybe I could go out with my crutches, or call people to invite them over.

There are many people, right here in Seattle!

I turn the thoughts around. I remember the aliveness of this moment, here, right now. Not the imagined future moment in Los Angeles that I thought would be better. Or a past moment in Los Angeles that I thought was fabulous.

I suddenly know, once again, that all these ideas are projections, images from the past and future, dreams, hopes, illusions.

  • this is outstanding news
  • I’m gaining: connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression, fun, insight, realization, discovery
  • not going means excitement, living color, inspiration, meeting people face-to-face who I love
  • I will not miss anything

Oh boy, could all these turnarounds really be true?

Even if your news does not seem like it could be outstanding at all?

Even if it seems like, on the face of it, you are missing something. Are you sure it’s bad news?

Could THIS be what is needed in your life to build connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression or your next thrill of enlightenment?

Yes.

“There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desireable. For it means the soul has cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment—when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid, the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: Whatever you come across—go beyond.” ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Did he just say “most desireable?”

Wow.

But as I consider this, the thought enters my mind to invite our neighbors over for tea, who have lived next door as sweet and dear people for almost a decade, but we’ve never had them inside our home.

I call a friend, I call another friend. I write this Grace Note and do my work.

Nothing is changed, and yet….

….everything has changed.

With love, Grace

P.S. For 3 more days the free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

 

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Not Deciding Creates Fourth of July Sparkles

OK so only two days until the Cleanse, the annual program in Los Angeles where Byron Katie works with folks up on stage, and it is about as powerful for those in the audience as those on stage.

I have plane tickets, and room reservations, and my ticket in to the program.

But for those of you who have been following my story, I haven’t actually been sitting much for awhile.

As in, I haven’t been sitting AT ALL. Literally. Like, in a chair or on a couch.

Since my reattachment surgery where they pinned my torn hamstring back to my pelvic sits bone, I am experiencing life with a pain in the ass.

This time, it’s actually true.

Except when I’m lying down. In which case, it’s no longer true.

And the pain is less than half what it was last week.

But about that sitting part. 

One has to “sit” on an airplane, right?

My mind begins to wonder. How is this going to work (or NOT work)? If I try it, will it hurt? Is it worth some pain, and how much pain?

This is the question many ask when they are getting into a new relationship. Or thinking about taking a new job, or quitting a job, or traveling somewhere far away, or starting a new “program” or training or group, or contemplating divorce, or selling their house.

Will it hurt?

The way I once was:

…avoid anything that hurts, feels bad, is scary….go towards anything that feels comforting, easy, safe, good.

Kinda simple, seems logical, basic human survival. Right?

But what if your thoughts are not logical, basic, or simple? What if you have completely opposing thoughts? What if everything you’re operating from is pretty conditioned, or learned, and not necessarily EASY?

Like “climbing this mountain will require a lot of intense physical work” and “intense physical work is boring”.

Or “I won’t do anything that hurts” and “when my heart beats fast and I have adrenaline or I want to cry, that equals feeling HURT”.

Or “I really love the taste of this yummy thing I’m eating” and “it is horrible to have to stop eating when I’m full”.

In these three situations, if both thoughts are running pretty loud and steady, you’ll never go on a mountain climb, you’ll try very hard not to cry or have a quick beating heart, and you’ll feel really conflicted about when to stop eating something tasty.

What I’ve learned with doing The Work over time, is that every single situation is extremely unique, so there is no way to know what will be the best, most ideal, powerful, spirited choice, until you know it.

I’ll show you what I mean.

Here are some of my repetitive thoughts about The Cleanse event that have been swinging by for a short visit, like noticing a ticker-tape in the corner with my thoughts running by on it:

  • I need to decide whether or not to go
  • I hate to waste money by canceling
  • I should take care of myself
  • It will hurt
  • It won’t hurt
  • I don’t want to regret my decision, whatever it is
  • I’ll really miss it if I don’t go

You may have a decision….perhaps an even much bigger one….that has consequences that you’re uncertain about.

Is it true that it could hurt? Is it possible that I’ll have regrets? Will I miss something, whether I go or stay? Could I lose money?

Yes! These appear to be true.

And IF it hurts, or I experience regret ever, or I miss something, or I lose money, or things get rough, or I’m afraid at some point in the future….is any of this TERRIBLE?

Do I need to make sure to avoid all this, whatever it may be, in the future?

No!

How do I react when I believe that I could make the wrong decision, that it might hurt, that I could suffer, that I’ll miss or waste something?

Very careful.

Cautious, closed. I don’t ask questions. I don’t call the airlines and see what my options are. I don’t speak up. I don’t ask myself what will really be right for me, physically, with love, tenderness, and great joy and caring.

I don’t have patience. I want to know NOW what I really can’t know yet, because I don’t.

And who would I be without the thought that I need to decide, I need to know…or without the thoughts that I could feel regret, loss, sadness, or hurt? That I could do it wrong?

Totally and completely relaxed…..and then excited.

Without all these thoughts, I feel like I am my own best friend, and I’ll do what is perfect for me. I’ll get on the phone, I’ll get on the plane or NOT get on the plane.

Without the commands or worries that I should know what it will be like, later, in the future, and make sure it hurts as little as possible (assuming it could) I would feel peace, with this mysterious moment NOW.

I would feel adventurous, willing, looking forward to. I would realize it’s not possible to have regrets when opening to this reality.  

“We know just how everything should be. We have the perfect, though ever-evolving, blueprint of just how things should be at every moment, including the imaginary moments of past and future. And if you look closely and honestly, it’s never like…THIS. We live in an ongoing argument in our heads in order to take our stand as independent entities instead of awareness.” ~ Fred Davis in Beyond Recovery 

I turn my thoughts around and find the opposite to be as truer than my original thinking:

  • I do NOT need to decide whether or not to go, I can look at who this “I” is that supposedly needs to decide
  • I won’t waste money by canceling, I love the money I’ve given already, and actually…I will spend less at home
  • I do take care of myself, I should NOT take care of myself until I do (and calling the airlines is one way I can change), I am taken care of no matter what I think
  • It will hurt and that’s temporary, educational, fascinating
  • It won’t hurt and that’s temporary, educational, fascinating
  • I won’t regret my decision…and if I do I can do The Work
  • I’ll really miss something else if I do go, or perhaps I will miss absolutely nothing

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, because she realizes how unnecessary that is. Power doesn’t need a plan. Everything gravitates to it. With each moment, new options are born. It’s like a Fourth of July sparkler: you light it with a match, and sparks fly. Each moment is like that, a new opportunity to be used. If someone says no, the Master sees options as the sparks flying from its center.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

With love, Grace

P.S. Free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

 

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Bad Neighborhood Becomes Worth The Risk

I love that the very next day after Christmas, whether people were honoring it as a holy holiday or not, most of the participants in the current money class dialed in, same day, same time.

There is nothing like a joining with a group to take the plunge into personal inquiry.

It can seem counter-intuitive to say that gathering with others actually directs you towards your own unique, personal insight…

…you might think instead that a meditation retreat, very quiet uninterrupted time, silence, writing, journaling, thinking, getting away, being completely alone with no distractions…

…these are the elements you might believe would guide you most ultimately into personal awareness.

And yet what were the moments in my own life where I had the biggest lightbulbs turn on?

Telling the absolute truth, as best as I possibly could…and listening to others tell the truth to their greatest capacity…in an environment where EVERYONE could hear!

Being genuine, honest, open. Asking questions, telling what my opinion really is, expressing what’s real.

Today I received the sweetest email.

A man who has his own business said that when he has gathered together with others to share their fears….

….even if reality does not change at all the fears are diminished.

Like going into a dark room, or a bad neighborhood (as Annie Lamott the wonderful author jokes about her own mind), bringing at least one other person along changes the feeling you have about the darkness.

It is still dark, it may still be considered to be a less-than-safe neighborhood…

…but you are excited, curious, loving, trusting, and you may see a light on in the distance and have fun holding the hand of the person you’re with.

If you’re considering a journey together with a group for an whole year, a new group of inquirers will start together on Fridays, January 10th. We meet by skype or phone at 9:00 am for 90 minutes 3 Fridays per month, and there is no requirement to come to Seattle for the two optional retreats (although you’ll love it if you do)!

Join us!

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead

With love,

Grace

P.S. Free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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Gentle Gentle The Way Of It

I have received really, really good feedback and suggestions for change for the recovery guide for ending a war with eating that I sent out a few days ago.

Here is an entirely new version.

More tips for what you can do NOW. Less memoir. And all the beautiful quotes I meant to include the first time.

Here’s the funny thing that happened in my mind:

I was reading incoming messages, some people who I asked to read with a critical eye….

….and as I opened up the original document and began to read it again….

…..it looked terrible. 

Who wrote this story going on and on with no real help? This is garbage! A waste of time! You call this a guide? I can’t believe I sent this out! 

That little worried wart voice.

And then, an inner smile…it is sooo different the way I would have once believed that chattering voice from the calm that now winks at me a second later.

It’s like I can simply hear another channel, almost immediately (at least in this situation) that is playing a tune of no concern, of peace.

“When you know how to question your thoughts, there’s no resistance. You look forward to your worst nightmare, because it turns out to be nothing but an illusion, and the four questions of The Work provide you with the technology to go inside and realize that. You don’t have to grope in the dark to find your way to freedom. You can just sit down and give it to yourself, anytime you want.” ~ Byron Katie 

Even if your worst nightmare today is that you said or wrote something off, or someone didn’t get you, or you were misunderstood, or people were critical of you….

….can you really know that it’s true that you’ve done something wrong, or stupid, or cheesy, or ridiculous, or tacky, or scary?

Can you know it’s true that what you did matters, in a bad way?

No.

How do you react when you want to take it back, when you want a do-over?

I always found my stomach felt queasy, I felt exposed, frightened. I expected mean words coming in my direction. I expected people to shun me, avoid me, not want contact.

And who would I be without believing those thoughts?

What if you did something right? What if this was fantastic? Just part of the journey that caused things to go….to the right, instead of the left.

“The real plan is always the way of it, eliminating the need for any plan I might have.” ~ Byron Katie

Today, I celebrate this moment exactly where it is, without needing to do anything, without anything needing to change.

I wrote and added and deleted yesterday, I felt creative and rushed and fascinated….

….and everything is “in progress”.

Everything.

“The Master takes action by letting things take their course. He remains as calm at the end as at the beginning. He has nothing thus has nothing to lose.” ~ Tao Te Ching #64

Peace be with you today. You are awesome!

Even those goofy thoughts that run through your mind.

With love,

Grace

P.S. Again, the revamped free guidebook to peaceful eating, is right HERE. You’ll enter your email again, and be added to the Peaceful Eating list along with receiving the new guide in your Inbox.

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Daring To Question The Great and Powerful Oz

It was a hushed, late night, pitch dark outside. The house was very quiet except for my clicking fingers on my keyboard, and the glowing light of the laptop screen.
I was writing my heart out in email.
I was sharing with a friend my response to her challenge the day before, also written in email, that I was doing something she felt uncomfortable with in my wedding preparations.
She told me she didn’t feel the celebration contained the formalities she thought important. She thought we shouldn’t call it a wedding if we weren’t going to actually get a license.
The night was quiet. It was very late, after midnight. Very unusual for me. I couldn’t sleep because I just couldn’t stop thinking about her email I had received, that I was now replying to.
My inner immediate reaction (not the email I wrote in reply) to her email was, on first read, something like this:
“She doesn’t know me at all! She doesn’t understand me! I thought she was less conservative than this! She wouldn’t bring this up if I were gay…what a hypocrit! She’s not the person I thought she was! She’s such a snob! Forget her–she can GO TO HELL!”
 
Yes, it was that mature.
My stomach tightened, my heart sped up just a little, a shot of adrenaline zinged through my arms as I grasped what she was saying and read her words that she did not agree with what I was planning for the ceremony.
She thinks I’m not being HONEST? How DARE…….
 
……Ooops. 
 
I have an automatic timer that goes off when I begin to say the word “how dare you/she/he/they/this….”
Because I know I’m being totally, completely, utterly defensive.
How dare they? Like they should be afraid? To dare question the Great and Powerful Oz Grace Bell?
As I couldn’t sleep, I knew it was time to inquire.
Stressful thoughts were multiplying. I was beginning to question the entire friendship.
Is it true that she doesn’t know me? That she should know better? That she’s too conservative? That she’s not the person I thought she was (in other words—WORSE than I thought she was)?
Is it true that she should go to hell?
Argggh! But! This is wrong! She shouldn’t be so contrary! What does it matter to her how the ceremony goes, how it’s recorded or planned, what traditions are included, whether it’s an official license or not (my husband and I weren’t sure what we even wanted at that point)?
She’s in my business!
Gulp.
Is it absolutely true? Is she not allowed to speak up? Is it true that if she says what she thinks, she’s a snob?

 

No. Deep breath.

I am in favor of people telling the truth. Whether it hurts or not. I love the truth. I adore real, passionate, heartfelt words.
Communication at the core, authentic, most truthful level is my FAVORITE THING. Um…usually.
And even when it’s not, my closest friends are people I connect with and talk with with complete openness, even if we’re afraid.
How do I react when I believe someone is speaking against me, challenging my core beliefs, threatening me in some important way?
I want to write them off, get away from them, cut them out of my life, ignore them, act nice but back out of the room slowly.
Or I might wish they die in a plane crash, off the top of my head. I mean, I want them DESTROYED.
I feel really afraid, even if my reaction appears angry on the inside. I know that what I am…..
…..is terrified.
But who would I be without the thought that she was frightening? That she was wrong, critical, too conservative, and a snob?
I would realize that she brings up excellent agonizing questions, that the whole nation is actually debating. Whether to get a marriage license or not, to declare assets together as a business/economic entity or NOT.
(And I love equal rights for everyone).
In my heart I was getting married with a deep emotional and inner value of commitment. But I KNOW emotional commitments are enormously likely to change over time.
They are more likely to change that to remain stable.
And my past experience is that when the relationship grew more distant (in my previous marriage) that the economic end of the marriage was eventually dissolved.
It’s called divorce.
So for me, there was NOTHING stable about committing to marriage on paper, with the county, the state, the nation, one other human.
My friend expressed my deepest angst and anxiety about what was true for me. I did not know. In fact, I had no idea if this whole marriage/commitment thing was good for much of anyone.
My inquiry was ultimately with the government, laws, marriage, and what I had learned socially. I was mad at my society and my conditioning. And mad at her for learning the same conditioning.
Sigh.
Who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t speak her mind? That she isn’t expressing something important, meaningful, and loving?
I would read and re-read her email, and see that she didn’t call me names, she didn’t berate me, she was loving, kind, direct and caring.
Without the thought that this was wrong….
….I relaxed so deeply, knowing that there is no absolute answer. I have no idea what the future will be. There is no future.
And after a wonderful discussion with my soon-to-be partner that day after I received the email, I searched online for marriage licenses “just to find out what’s involved these days” with this thing I am not even sure I agree with.
Oh. The offices to get licenses just happened to be about 2 miles away from our home. And this one night of the week, only on Tuesdays (it was Tuesday) it was open later into the evening. It was open right then, for another hour.
So my partner and I said to each other “Let’s go over there and get a license. What the heck?”
So we did.
Turning my thoughts around, I saw that I was the snob, I was the conservative one, she was freer and more liberal in that she could express herself to me.
And what did it matter if she were not the person I thought she was? I wasn’t thinking well of her in that moment….so….good. I was not the kind, generous person I thought I was.
Thank you everyone who has “dared” to tell me honestly what they think. Even if it sounds mean. Even if I don’t like it, or feel quite desperately frightening by it.
That dark night, after inquiry, after my stimulating discussion with my now-husband, I wrote an email full of honest love and gratitude to my friend.
And then pushed SEND.
“When I don’t look for approval outside me, I remain as approval. And through inquiry I have come to see that I want you to approve of what you approve of, because I love you. What you approve of is what I want. That’s love—it wouldn’t change anything. It already has everything it wants. It already IS everything it wants, just the way it wants it.” ~ Byron Katie
With love,
Grace
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The That Was Soooo Hard Story

If you missed the link with my eGuide on my own personal recovery from eating issues and how you can begin to understand your own, to download it (for free) then click HERE.

If you click the link, your email will be added to a separate list for people interested in eating/food recovery, including the program starting in January. (You can unsubscribe any time from that list).

*****

Yesterday, on the longest night of the year where I live…I suddenly knew I was just a little bit better physically, in this journey with the body.

My upper thigh looked less swollen at the site of the injury, the searing pain in my pelvic bone, the pins and needles throbbing in my foot and the chalky sticky aching feeling in my ankle, the throbbing in my calf…….were all quieter than previous days.

I was suddenly so happy. Relieved.

It’s as if there is this part of the mind that is filled with doubt, dread, fear and visions of darkness. I had those parts visiting at various times, hanging in the air of my room as I stared sometimes at the ceiling.

That part is frightened. I said to myself “I’m going to be here again, in the future….who knows when, but I will be here, unable to move from the bed, on my journey to death”.

I wondered what age I would be when it happened again. I wondered what life will be like from now until then…will I be more careful? Will I be afraid to climb mountains, do gymnastics, jump?

I look back at my extreme nausea, only about six days ago, and I could have the thought about it “that was SOOOOO HORRIBLE!”

The vomiting on top of the need to lie immobile, what an ordeal!!

But even as I thought it, another part of myself is asking “is that true?”

Is it true that it was sooooooo horrible in that exact moment? Did I really barely make it through this whole experience? Was it truly a horrendous, rough ride?

These can be stressful thoughts.

Even if in the moment I think them, I may also feel relieved, and glad to be on this side of the experience.

Yet my thoughts about that other side of the experience, that terrible side before the healing could begin, can actually start to multiply if I give them weight, if I believe them.

  • that was horrendous, I never want to go through that again
  • I couldn’t add one more thing, if any other symptoms appear, I can’t take it anymore
  • if I got breast cancer right now, I would hate the world and reality
  • this experience proves that the world is a dangerous place

I will never forget when one time, I was describing a very difficult break up with a very close friend to a wise mentor I trust, who knows me well, and I said “that was so hard, I can’t believe it happened”and shook my head in sadness.

And this wise old mentor replied “It actually wasn’t that hard for you, from the way I see it. It was emotional, and full of feelings, and those feelings rose and fell in waves…..but not much else changed in your life. You’ve done really well with this, you’ve come through it learning more deeply about human nature, and yourself.”

What????

Oh! WOW!

Could it be that it is NOT absolutely true that something I’ve been through in the past was horrendous, dreadful, hard to believe, shocking, incredible or that I barely made it?

Yes, what I have been going through is not unusual. It is not hard to believe. It is normal. It is a part of being alive. And its over. It’s only a memory, already. It’s a partially seen story.

It’s not that shocking to endure an injury. Or betrayal. Or sadness, fear, angst, terror, or deep grief.

Who am I when I believe the thought that experiencing what I call difficulties is tragic, frustrating or hard?

I’m scared of the future, I replay the past. I become less aware of the present. I feel upset about “life”. I get confused about not understanding it. I make plans to figure out how to solve the “problem” I’ve had or never have it happen again.

I begin to feel like the darkness will last forever and that I can’t stand it anymore.

But who would I be without the thought that hard times “prove” that life is sad, tough, or surprising? That darkness stays dark?

I’d notice that things fade away and then return, and all is a huge mystery. There is light, then dark, then light again. And I do not know what anything actually truly means.

My leg breaks, then it mends. And I didn’t have to do anything. I was just following along for the ride. Something flowed, in the story, and it kept flowing.

“The ego lives by comparisons.” ~ The Course in Miracles

Without the thought that challenges are….well….challenges….jeez, my story ends. I feel gratitude, peace, emptiness.

There’s really nothing to do.

“Any feeling is just a feeling arising in you, in awareness. For example ‘I’m not spiritually connected’ or ‘I’m unawakened’…all that is a story. See it for the story it is, and then turn around and recognize that which is seeing the story. Then it’s all over.” ~ Stephen Bodian

I turn my frightened thinking around and find…perhaps my thoughts have hurt me more than my body has hurt me. Whatever this “me” is that I’m referring to. Which seems to be other, or greater than, my thoughts or my body. Ha!

  • that was amazing, I am willing to go through that again
  • I could add any thing, if any other symptoms appear, I can take it (and I can release it)
  • if I got breast cancer right now, I would love the world and reality (astonishing, but true–I see so much I love in the world)
  • this experience proves that the world is a safe place (astonishing again! and out of the pain came ease and sweetness)
Do I want to tell the story of the pain and how hard, with dread, complaint, unhappiness?
Or do I want to tell the story of joy, healing, peace and discovery that I am not only this body, or this mind…
….and that maybe, this is easy?
The second story seems truer.
“Most people think that they are what their thoughts tell them they are. One day I noticed that I wasn’t breathing–I was being breathed. Then I also noticed, to my amazement, that I wasn’t thinking–that I was actually being thought and that thinking isn’t personal.” ~ Byron Katie

With love,

Grace

P.S. If you want to get the free guidebook to peaceful eating, click HERE.

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Food Nightmares? Free Guide To Peaceful Eating

As you probably know, one of my most difficult relationships was with food, eating and body image in my teen years and all of my 20s and into my 30s.

Really….it was my relationship with my own mind that was rough. I was brutal!

I thought being mean would incite change.

I didn’t realize that love and compassion for myself, without attempting to change, would bring so much MORE change than anything I had tried.

If you are someone who would like to be on a separate email list for announcements and programs for people wanting to investigate their relationship with food….

…then I have a gift for you.

Click on this link HERE, and you can download a free E-Guide I’ve written to help people get started with using self-inquiry and internal questioning to understand and heal their painful behaviors with food.

When you get the guide, you’ll be added to the email list for Peaceful Eating that’s separate from daily Grace Notes.

You may have had bulimic episodes, or been anorexic, or you may have had great tension and sadness, weight gain and loss, and anger with the state of your relationship with food.

Anyone on this list will receive occasional updates on upcoming new programs or opportunities.

There are two teleclasses in January—one a new one for investigating bulimia and the binge/purge cycle using self-inquiry—one for examining the relationship to food…and also the first weekend in April 2014 in Seattle the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend!

If this is not an area of tension for you, then please forward this to anyone you think might benefit.

“When you’re operating on uninvestigated theories of what’s going on and you aren’t even aware of it, you’re in what I call “the dream.” Often the dream becomes troubling; sometimes it even turns into a nightmare. At times like these, you may want to test the truth of your theories by doing The Work on them. The Work always leaves you with less of your uncomfortable story. Who would you be without it? How much of your world is made up of unexamined stories? You’ll never know until you inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

If you or anyone you know is interested in dissolving your nightmare with food, eating, weight and you want to receive updates on this topic, click HERE.

Much love, Grace