I’m Missing Something Blues

Alas. So sad. Get out the violins! Don black apparel!

I realize I can’t attend the Cleanse (the big New Years event in LA with Byron Katie).

I’m not physically able to actually sit on the airplane tomorrow. A wheelchair could wheel me to the gate, and I am able to use my crutches to get from wheelchair to aisle…

…but dang it, the sitting is not possible without lots of pain!

I must admit. The realization, the changing of the plane reservations, the sorting out who might have my Cleanse ticket all comes easily.

Then afterwards, those little thoughts of loss, missing something, not getting what “I” want.

Have you ever had this feeling?

• this is terrible news
• I’m losing: connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression, fun, insight, realization, discovery
• not going means boredom, dullness, lack of inspiration, not meeting people face-to-face who I love
• I will miss something

Arggh! Rats! It’s true! It’s true! That sounded fun! Staying home and lying in bed is no fun!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I’m losing out, that I’m missing something, that my life here with crutches is boring, dull, uninspired, and without intimacy?

Am I sure this is terrible news?

No.

Oddly, the whole thing is sort of surreal, like a dream.

I’m a character in a soap opera, and the main character (me of course) was in the hospital and now is out….and let’s see what will happen NEXT!?

How do I react when I think I’m missing out? How do I react when I think that over there is better than this here?

Sad. Frustrated. Failing.

I think this here isn’t good enough. This moment, alone. This time and place reality is empty, that one is full. This one is sad, that one is happy. This one has nothing to offer, that one has everything to offer.

Yikes.

So who would I be without the thought that I am missing out? That this moment here isn’t the same as any moment at the Cleanse?

I would wait, and look, and contemplate what is happening here, now, in this present.

I would get out the Cleanse recording from last year, and listen. I would notice that I love intimacy, connection, genuine contact. Maybe I could go out with my crutches, or call people to invite them over.

There are many people, right here in Seattle!

I turn the thoughts around. I remember the aliveness of this moment, here, right now. Not the imagined future moment in Los Angeles that I thought would be better. Or a past moment in Los Angeles that I thought was fabulous.

I suddenly know, once again, that all these ideas are projections, images from the past and future, dreams, hopes, illusions.

• this is outstanding news
• I’m gaining: connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression, fun, insight, realization, discovery
• not going means excitement, living color, inspiration, meeting people face-to-face who I love
• I will not miss anything

Oh boy, could all these turnarounds really be true?

Even if your news does not seem like it could be outstanding at all?

Even if it seems like, on the face of it, you are missing something. Are you sure it’s bad news?

Could THIS be what is needed in your life to build connection, friendship, love, contact, joyous expression or your next thrill of enlightenment?

Yes.

“There are always moments when one feels empty and estranged. Such moments are most desireable. For it means the soul has cast its moorings and is sailing for distant places. This is detachment—when the old is over and the new has not yet come. If you are afraid, the state may be distressing, but there is really nothing to be afraid of. Remember the instruction: Whatever you come across—go beyond.” ~ Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

Did he just say “most desireable?”

Wow.

But as I consider this, the thought enters my mind to invite our neighbors over for tea, who have lived next door as sweet and dear people for almost a decade, but we’ve never had them inside our home.

I call a friend, I call another friend. I write this Grace Note and do my work.

Nothing is changed, and yet….

….everything has changed.

With love, Grace