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Money. Relationships. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.

Ever feel like secretly you are BEGGING the universe, other people, an event, you yourself….to provide you with something you deeply and repetitively seem to want?

Lordy.

I say that with a sigh because of the persistence of this mind to come up with various angles on the same themes:

  • I want more money. I would be so happy. I would feel so generous. I would have so much less anxiety and so much more safety, fun, fulfillment.
  • I want more love. I would be so happy. I would feel so joyful. I would have so much less anxiety and so much more safety, satisfaction, fun.
  • I want more physical or emotional space. I would be so happy. I would have creative energy. I would feel generous. I would have less self-pity and more abundance.
  • I want more success. I would be so happy. I would feel so fulfilled. I would have pride (the good kind) and feel assurance.

It really does bring home that anything we believe we want more of in our lives generally points to the same thing: that getting this would bring happiness.

This goes even for things we don’t always love, like overeating or smoking or taking drugs.

In the split second of moving towards that experience, we feel like we’ll get a little happiness for a second from the taste of the food, the relaxation of the alcohol’s effect on the mind, the relief from the craving.

When we’re engaging in all this Wanting More, it sure does make our current condition look bad, doesn’t it?

This current state of my life, in this particular department (money, relationships, business, etc) is Not Good.

I have proof.

Those people over there are much happier. I myself used to be happier. That other time/place/experience is BETTER.

This is bad, here.

There’s an absence of the thing I want, here.

What happens when we believe this is true?

(And it sure happens fast).

We feel sad, we chase down the thing wanted like we’re on fire, we beg.

Please, please, please…..could I just win a billion dollars?

Please, please, please……could the perfect mate show up tomorrow?

Please, oh please…..could my business make a bigger difference to more people?

Who would you be without the story of begging?

I mean, what if I just stopped the begging and let things be the way they are in this moment, this situation, without pushing and pulling every which way?

I like seeing that sitting still doesn’t mean I’m never going to want anything again.

I mean, I’ll probably be thirsty in a few hours for water!

It’s the way of it.

But to question the mind’s orientation for MORE is so freeing, so exciting.

Thoughts don’t have to the be the Truth.

We can notice the thought-chain that keeps on ticking, and it’s not who we are.

We are the ones watching, hearing thought, watching it perceive the world, while something here within ourselves is silent.

We *think* we always want to be MORE of ourselves, or have more for ourselves, but that’s just thought, too. Isn’t it?

What if we’re enough already.

We are as much as we could ever be. This is it.

If you’re having trouble with money or relationships as the “more” thing your mind is endlessly talking about, and you’d like the relief and freedom of questioning your story with money, or your story about love….

….the best way I’ve ever found is in The Work of Byron Katie.

Living With Money is a course that brings us a way to identify what it is we’re thinking that hurts, like the broken record “I want more money”, and allows us to see a new way to be with money and live with it peacefully.

Live sessions to accompany this course begin on January 11th and will run every Wednesday at 9:30am PT through February 15th. Sign up now for the course and begin–and bring your questions to our live calls.

What we often notice is when it’s OK to be right where we are, things start to get easier all on their own.

Same with an important relationship in your life you might want to bring to inquiry: lover, spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, boss, co-worker.

Relationship retreat is a 4 day blitz Feb 2-5, for 3 hours each day. You will do The Work with a small group, on any stressful relationship in your life.

When you question your beliefs about your relationship, you change on the inside, and you can then be clearer, know what to do next, act with kindness and strength and possibility, and end your war with What Is.

Register for Valentine Relationships Retreat Feb 2-5 HERE.

Much love,

Grace

 

Upcoming ways to question your thinking, change your world:

Online annual Valentine retreat on relationships of any kind 8-11am PT daily Feb 2-5 with Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell Sliding Scale $275+

Everyone wanting to join an ongoing group for investigating compulsion around eating, food, body image with The Work of Byron Katie….Eating Peace Inquiry Circle meets Tuesdays 5pm PT and Thursdays 10am PT. Come to just one, or both, or watch/listen to the recordings. We have deep and awesome inquiry work happening. Join month-to-month sliding scale.

Year of Inquiry opens its doors in January only for those who want to join us the rest of the year.

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power of doing The Work with others

How in the heck can I do more of this inquiry work?

Or really, the true question for many (for me) was: How can I just have this thing downloaded into my brain and “get” it? And stop feeling bad?

I want peace! ASAP!

That’s what I thought when I read Loving What Is by Byron Katie, and couldn’t figure out how to really “do” The Work on my own, in my house, on my couch.

I’m an introvert! I don’t want to have to go places, join things, go to a school, take a course….waaaaaah.

Can’t this be easier?

Well.

I’ve learned something about myself as I’ve spent time in this beautiful process called questioning the mind.

It doesn’t work so much in a vacuum.

Knocking around in your own mind can be quite interesting, and yes, it can bring insight….but it’s 100 times more powerful when done with other people.

Even for introverts who like the solitary.

Maybe especially for introverts.

Those who believe they don’t like groups, just know, neither–I thought–did I.

However, they saved and changed my life.

All folks, introverted or extraverted (if you even believe in those labels) might have times where they believe people are scary, shady, untrustworthy.

The thought that there was something powerful to learn through inquiry became more important than staying home in my safe place.

So off I flew to the School for The Work.

But I gotta admit.

I chose middle rows, not too far to the front, and maybe even sometimes the back. Waaaay back.

I didn’t “turn to my neighbor” to share unless directed explicitly to do so.

And still, the burr of self-inquiry got into me.

I was an entirely changed person leaving that school. The feeling was magnificent.

The tool has never left, and expanded and broadened and gotten more vibrant over time.

Yes, things I’ve thought of as HORRIBLE have occurred in my life.

Don’t get me started.

And yet, I can hold life as the most fascinating, magnificent experience in every moment–especially those wildly difficult ones.

Especially.

So let’s do The Work again, friends. Let’s imagine and un-think and then feel and un-feel, then return to who we are without our stories.

We were this all along.

Mysterious, wild. Heart-broken, present. Willing. Looking forward to everything that happens.

Upcoming events:
*FIRST FRIDAY! Wheee! This is a completely no-fee inquiry session for anyone and everyone gathering on zoom. Come with video on or off. I won’t call on you. LOL. You’re safe. 7:45-9:15am Pacific Time. Connect here tomorrow from your timezone wherever you are by clicking HERE. Passcode “isittrue?” (don’t forget the question mark).

*Spring Retreat: Thurs 3/25-Sun 3/28 9:00am-12:30pm each day except Saturday 8:00am-9:30am followed by optional dancing online from 10:15am-11:45am. All Pacific Time. Learn more here.

*Eating Peace Inquiry Circle ongoing Membership starting April 1st. Healing at the level of mind for those suffering from compulsive behavior with food, eating or body image/weight. Live sessions, private online forum. Learn more here.

*Eating Peace Immersion Retreat April 26-May 2, 2021. Read about retreat here.

*Eating Peace Basics 101 8 week course May 5th-June 23, 2021 9am-10:30am PT here.

*Relationship Hell to Heaven: BreakUp, Divorce, Separation May 13-June 17th 9-11am PT here.

Much love,
Grace

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I need more time, more love, more chances

I don’t have enough time.

Not enough time to listen to all those podcasts I’d like to hear, not enough time to read the books I’ve already purchased, not enough time to finish a book that’s half written for many years that I think I’m writing (kind of).

Not even enough time, apparently, to sit and meditate for 15 minutes this past week.

I used to meditate an hour a day, like I was taking my medicine with no question. Get quiet. Do it.

Funny how time feels scarce. Limited.

I need more of it.

So, what ARE we doing with time?

I noticed the way I spent my morning was rising, putting on a sweater and turning up the heat, moving to kitchen to make a green smoothie and boiling water for hot cacao (I’m experimenting with absence of tea or coffee–it’s rather lovely at the moment).

Now, up in my little treehouse office, I write after checking my calendar for the day and also noticing about six things I’d like to do all at once.

In only fifteen minutes,Year of Inquiry group meets–so the constant presence of a circle of inquiry has certainly entered my life no matter how much time I think I need or want or don’t have. It’s my job.

(Seriously, what a gift).

I start the zoom meeting so it’s ready while people arrive, and turn back to this inquiry–so curious.

Time.

Oh, right. I need more of it.

I’ll never finish this before the group, now in 4 minutes.

I need, I need, I need.

The song of the self with a small “s”.

It’s not a bad thing. It just is.

There’s a voice, calling out its needs. Thinking with sadness or disappointment or dread or anxiety that more is required.

I had this thought when my dad was dying almost 30 years ago.

I need more time with him.

I’ve had this thought when preparing for some retreat events: I need more time to share them, announce them, promote them.

One fantastic way to move further along this line of inquiry, is to genuinely hear what you’re telling yourself you need more time for?

I need more time for: Money-making, connections with people, learning something, accomplishing a task, being alive, enlightenment.

Once you identify what you need more time for, you’ve got better focus on the self-inquiry that comes next:

I need more time, so that I can have more ______ .
I need more _______ (from above) so that I can _______.

I usually notice I need more time, so I can have more of something else, and I need more of that something so that I can feel a certain way.

I believe I’ll feel better, with more time to acquire, do, achieve, get, accomplish, practice that thing.

I’ll feel safer, I’ll feel more loved, I’ll feel proud, I’ll feel acceptable, I’ll feel calm, I’ll feel generous.

The story is born, blossoms, with a thousand facets into the future. All from a moment where a thought came through about “more” and “time”.

What a great inquiry:

Let’s do The Work.

Today I asked myself when I began this Grace Note (3 days ago now, LOL) why I need more time?

Because I could find that thought inside every day, I bet.

Today, I had the privilege of doing The Work with a brilliant inquirer who felt he had not succeeded in life: rejected by his girlfriend (they are breaking up), ineffective in other areas, not quite “getting” there to the promised land of peace or worthiness.

Not arriving at the place we are believing in when we say “more”.

Oh the pain of noticing what it’s like to believe we need more than we already have. We need more days to live, more hours with another, more success. More, more, more.

Sometimes people think if they give up this striving for more of something, they’ll flop to the floor and do nothing for the rest of their lives.

If I didn’t want to do all that stuff, if I didn’t need more time to do it, then I’d become totally resigned with doing nothing, going nowhere, apathetic, caring for nothing, sparked by nothing, surrounded by chaos.

Who would we be without the belief we need MORE daylight, and the sun just set?

Without the belief we need more loving contact, and we’re sitting at the deathbed of our beloved?

Without the belief we need more money than we actually have?

Without the belief we need more unconditional love or a spiritual pay-day that catapults us into some kind of place beyond this world (as some people like to think of as enlightenment)?

What if nothing more was needed right now, in this moment? Even if you feel some anxiety, a sense of turmoil? Even with a sense of impending loss or future disappointment?

I keep noticing with this inquiry, the only frightening thing is a story–a thought about the future, or a memory from the past.

I’m believing thoughts about scarcity, about loss, about inadequacy and suffering.

If I don’t do this thing I apparently need more time for, I’ll suffer. If I don’t acquire this thing I need more time to acquire, I’ll suffer.

I’m fail to notice I’m suffering in the middle of the moment of thinking I need more of something or I’ll suffer, later.

Turning the thought around: I don’t need more time. Not one more second. I don’t need more time with that person, I don’t need more time to practice, I don’t need more time because I don’t need to finish right now, I don’t need more time to wake up.

Who is this “I” anyway?

Nothing but a thought.

“Before thought began in that first moment, there was the pure unknown: love. That’s one of the many revelations that people discover when they sit deeply in the fourth question (‘Who or what would you be without the thought?’). They begin to recognize the real world, the world of being love, the fearless, the nameless, the beautiful, the world where nothing is separate and creativity is allowed to flow without interruption, and the new is witnessed and appreciated at every moment, and your’e always alone with yourself, and you’re everyone and everything, free to take full responsibility as the creator of the entire world–your world, the world of your imagination.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

If you think you don’t have enough time for self-inquiry or doing The Work, I’d question that. LOL.

But seriously, sitting and asking myself these truthful, deep questions about what is running through the mind has been totally life-changing.

It’s brought me….just about….everything I’ve ever dreamed I wanted more time for.

Certainly it’s brought me peace around what I believed was worth fretting about, and finding a heart-broken joy about being alive, and gratitude.

If you’d like to get a taste of this practice of questioning your stressful thinking and changing the way to experience life and the world, or anything that’s troubled you….

….consider coming to online spring retreat.

It’s coming in exactly one month March 25-28, 2021.

Sign up for Thursday only, Thurs+Friday, or the whole retreat Thurs-Sunday (Saturday’s a bonus day for everyone enrolled).

We gather for 3.5 days of 3.5 hour sessions (Pacific Time 9am-12:30pm) to dive into one issue, relationship, money, job, memory, concern, situation bothering you.

It’s all sliding scale, you choose (suggested fee a minimum of $60 per session).

Thursday 3/25, Friday 3/26 and Sunday 3/27 we meet 9:00am-12:30pm Pacific Time, and Saturday we meet 8:00am-9:30am PT followed by dancing–online–for those who’d love to attend.

Read more about spring cleaning retreat here.

Spring Mental Cleanse Schedule Online:

Thursday March 25, Friday March 26, Sunday March 28
9am-12:30pm PT
Noon-3:30pm ET
5pm-8:30pm UK
6pm-9:30pm Paris
7pm-10:30pm Israel/ South Africa
6am-9:30am Hawaii
(Saturday March 27th we meet 8am-9:30am PT +dancing)

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The only important house to clean: your mind

Spring Mental Cleanse is coming: March 25-28, 2021.
Sign up for Thursday only, Thurs+Friday, or the whole retreat Thurs-Sunday (Saturday’s a bonus day for everyone enrolled).
It’s all sliding scale, you choose (suggested fee a minimum of $60 per session).
Thursday 3/25, Friday 3/26 and Sunday 3/27 we meet 9:00am-12:30pm Pacific Time, and Saturday we meet 8:00am-9:30am PT followed by dancing–online–for those who’d love to attend.
It’s a time for deep cleansing internally on the beliefs we’ve sometimes been carrying with us unconsciously for years and years.
Read more about spring cleaning retreat here.
 
Speaking of the need, and the joy, of deep cleaning….
We all know what that’s like when you do it for reals.
Like, with actual cleaning.
Way under the bookcase there’s are dust bunnies in literal clumps. Along the back of the couch spiders have been congregating all winter in the crack where floor meets wall.
The file cabinet needs to be unstuffed and papers shredded. Books and old clothes need to go to Goodwill.
Maybe you’re not sure exactly what that gunk is in the back of the fridge, which also has an unrecognizable rotten thing in tin foil we forgot about a few weeks ago.
OK, a few months ago.
I like the way, for a good thorough cleaning of something we’re tackling, we open up the thing entirely.
We literally pick up the piece of furniture and move it to the center of the room.
We empty all the contents.
Sometimes the whole place looks worse before it gets better.
Bottles and tins and bags are strewn all over the dining room table in stacks while you get the fridge drawers pulled out and scrub them in the sink with hot soapy water.
It’s a project.
Sometimes along the way, you might think “Good lord, why did I start this? It’s taking way longer than I imagined.”
“This is exhausting. How’d it get sooooo dirty?”
“I wonder how much this would cost to pay someone to come and do this instead?”
Cleaning is not exactly….easy.
But neither is letting everything get dirtier, and dirtier, and more sticky, and more dusty and black and thick and gross.
And if you’ve ever really done a good clean-out of anything, it is amazingly satisfying.
A strange kind of joy comes when you neatly place the thinned-out clothes in the drawers again, or have room in your closet for everything you own.
It’s tending to life, tending to the hearth, the home.
That’s how I think of doing The Work with the unkempt mind–the unquestioned mind.
The mind that gets a bit bleak, dirty, thick with dust.
It gets ugly in there. A few spiders, if you know what I mean.
Good news.
Nothing like a beautiful piece of inquiry to find freedom from repetitive thinking, or repetitive behavior or worry.
The mind is so brilliant, it carries around memories and impact from far earlier times and shows them to you like a slide show over and over until you’re willing to look, and feel fully what you’ve been hiding, or simply ignoring, under the couch.
Sure, no one escapes pain.
We have immense loss: people we love die, viruses descend, jobs end, houses burn, money goes, it seems our dreams don’t manifest, we ourselves grow older.
All those things happen. But then there is suffering about them, through reminding yourself of them and feeling bad all over again.
 
Unnecessary suffering.
Suffering because we get stuck in a mindset, a way of thinking–and we don’t know how to stop of get out of it.
Heck, we don’t even know we’re doing it!
At least this is what I’ve seen so many times with my own work.
For example, I used to believe–without really even knowing consciously I believed it to the core–that I was abandoned, could be abandoned and probably will be abandoned in the future by people I care about.
I had a strategy I then decided that it’s better to Not Be Attached, so that I don’t get hurt by potential abandonment.
Abandonment being a fact and all.
I didn’t even know I had this running so strongly until my first husband left after 16 years of marriage, and I was fully and completely reminded of my father’s death many years earlier.
I had the solid belief about life: people leave, people die, people are unreliable….and it’s very very sad, dangerous, intolerable and I’m all alone when it happens.
I didn’t know how things had piled up and gotten thick and dusty and heavy.
I didn’t know the demands I had on my first husband to remain in place, or else….
I was dependent, without even realizing it.
Dependent on his presence, on his staying whether he liked it or not, on things going “well” (i.e. my way) so I could be safe and happy.
The four questions changed this kind of painful thinking for me.
Fundamentally, entirely.
At a deep spring cleaning level.
It’s like opening up the cupboard, emptying out everything so you can take a look, and beginning the scrubbing.
It might look worse before it looks better.
But it’s oh so worth it.
The freedom of a clear, organized closet–a clear, organized mind.
I hope you’ll join me in the spring cleanse in The Work of Byron Katie, an annual event that will now for the second year be again online.
In four days you can do a whole lot of cleaning–probably the entire house.
Including the basement. Maybe we’ll start there.
Join me HERE.
Spring Mental Cleanse Schedule Online:
 
Thursday March 25, Friday March 26, Sunday March 28 
  • 9am-12:30pm PT
  • Noon-3:30pm ET
  • 5pm-8:30pm UK
  • 6pm-9:30pm Paris
  • 7pm-10:30pm Israel/ South Africa
  • 6am-9:30am Hawaii
(Saturday March 27th we meet 8am-9:30am PT +dancing)
Much love,
Grace
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I stopped arguing with reality. The relationship was over. (Retreat starts Thursday)!

My cell phone lit up suddenly.
The phone was on silence as usual, but I happened to see the screen glow. At that moment I was staring out the bleak dark January window fourteen years ago, not unlike the one I looked out today.
I leaned slowly to the phone and saw from caller ID the name of my estranged husband.
My heart jumped a little.
He had filed for divorce almost 2 years before, we lived in separate houses, but I had not responded month after month after month to the paperwork.
I couldn’t bring myself to do it and sign the document consenting to divorce.
It seemed so tragic. I had loved this man so much. I had always pictured him until “death do us part”. He was almost five years older and I sometimes imagined he’d die first….and me by his side.
(Weird little future flash: he did die first, and I was by his side a few hours before and a few hours after. Even though we were divorced and we were both remarried. So you never know what anything means for the future, do you? He will always be one of the most important people in my life.)
I answered the incoming call.
He wanted to go out to dinner.
Something I could hear in his voice, someone I knew so well.
He said he had a coupon for a restaurant downtown, and thought of me.
Was I being asked out on a…..date?
I didn’t show much emotion.
This is what I had wanted desperately, but now it seemed almost like too much water had flowed under the bridge. He had another relationship that tanked. He had been dating. He had moved from one rental house to another. He was feeling some regret.
I had just started….barely….to feel like I could enjoy my own company for five minutes without remembering “my husband left me” or “I’m separated”. I had signed up for qigong classes, female empowerment classes, dancing.
Most importantly, I had friends to do The Work with.
I had found out that if I questioned my thinking, my panicked mood shifted from terror to calm by having someone ask me the four questions, and finding turnarounds.
Stunning.
Nothing else changed, only my perceptions and what I was believing.
The School for The Work almost 2 years before had planted self-inquiry into my heart and mind, and when rage, betrayal, panic, sadness and grief came along…it was only a matter of time before I sat down with paper, or texted someone, to do The Work with me.
I was calmer. Just a little. I was sleeping through the night finally.
I said “yes”.
I also said I’d meet him there at the appointed hour. Not agree to have him pick me up and go there together.
On the Saturday night of the famous dinner out (in my world), something I had wished for so desperately, I got dressed up.
I cared. I felt hopeful. I put on mascara.
I thought all the inner angst and grief and heartbreak might be able to be talked through, shared.
I never felt very good at talking. (I’m still probably better at writing than talking).
But as we shared a meal in a booth in a dark rainy wintery evening in Seattle, and no in-depth conversation unfolded or even started, I grew more aware that what I wanted was not in this man, or in the dreams of an intact relationship.
I had questioned the thought 1000 times “I need him to come back to me” or “he abandoned me” or “this shouldn’t be happening”.
And right before me, these beliefs suddenly felt untrue.
At a certain moment, right in the middle of the food and the meal, with this man I had spent 16 years with across from me, with whom I had two children that would have been thrilled to have us remain together, something felt….done.
Over.
Unable to move into a deeper level.
Maybe I could have questioned that thought. It didn’t occur to me at the time.
He talked, and talked, and talked about his job. His boss, his co-workers, company policies, the latest business deals I hadn’t heard about for a long time.
Not one word did he speak of more authentic, deep reflection about this honest moment.
I wanted to cry “What happened to us??!!”
I wanted to talk about where we stood right then.
Something deeper. All that inner Byron Katie work, all the self-reflection and growth and adventure. All the sleepless nights.
I wanted him to say “How are you in there? Are you OK?”
I noticed I myself said nothing, though.
And I noticed I could wonder….do I really want him to ask me deeply how I am? Do I really want to put so much weight on this relationship “working” (code word for staying together)?
I didn’t want to grab for something that wasn’t present anymore. I didn’t want to try, to be so afraid, to feel so desperate, so feel so full of angst and sadness.
What I wanted was not over there, across the table from me.
Wow.
When we left, I went to sit in the driver’s seat of my little car. I held still a moment, my car keys on my lap.
I could find the turnaround.
Maybe this was just plain going the way it was going, without my vote.
And maybe, just maybe, that was OK. Or at least going to be OK, later.
I sensed that I had no idea what my future was, or where I was going, or what would happen with love or romance in my life…..and what did happen wasn’t what I would have ever wanted or ever imagined in my life.
But I got it. Stop fighting. Stop reaching.
Rest. Accept what is.
That week, I signed the divorce papers that had been gathering dust, and the proceedings moved forward.
I’d like to say that I never looked back again at how we might have reconciled, and all that seemed so unspoken. I’d like to say I felt very razor clear.
But no.
There were stressful thoughts, and stressful dramas in my own mind, and stressful imaginings, and dreadful heartbreak.
I could question my thinking, though.
Sweet relief.
And, something was nudged that day out of the stuckness and waiting and withholding and wondering and putting all my attention on HIM, HIM, HIM.
I saw more clearly how I looked at what I thought was necessary for happiness through a straw. All roads pointing to this dear man, and marriage, and a fantasy.
What if instead of being a horrible personal tragedy, this story was not as terrible as I had believed?
What I see now is how I discovered, and still continue discovering to this day, how much that man offered me in my life.
He helped me break down my demands and expectations about love, life, mating, support, security, romance, future, intimacy, speaking truth, honesty, grabbing, wanting and fear.
I believed that the worst that could happen when it came to my marriage, was that it would end in divorce.
What happened when I believed that thought?
Nightmares. My whole world collapsed (I thought) even though I had more quiet time, I had my own place, I added enrichment to my life, I started playing music again, I discovered a career, I found out I liked to work (!)
Who was I without this story: “this relationship must stay together!”? 
Without demanding it be any way at all, it simply moved towards divorce.
Turned around: the best thing that could happen was my marriage ended.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
There is a list.
But most of all, I am grateful beyond measure to that human being, that man, for his unknowing assistance in helping me become a better version of myself.
I became someone who was “forced” to find her way to earn a living. Someone who met a new husband who is very different. Someone who can survive the worst that could happen.
Not just survive, but thrive.
Astonishing, even to this mind.
Grateful for the one who broke my heart, so it could grow bigger, wider, gentler, freer.
If you have a relationship where you still feel a sting (or tornado) of pain about What Happened….
….come to retreat starting this Thursday. We meet 4 days in a row, and then skip a week and reunite on Sunday, February 14th. Yup. Valentine’s Day.
The hours are 8-11am Pacific Time/ 4-7pm UK for all five sessions.
Who are we without our stories about breaking up, romance, wanting, hunting for ‘the one’, fighting, loneliness?
We are celebrating Valentine’s Day with the one we cherish, support, feel gratitude towards and love the most: ourselves. Life.
 
Married, partnered, conflicted, divorced, broken-up, separated, single. All are welcome to this “Relationship” Retreat.
Join us here.
Much love,
Grace
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When a relationship has hurt: finding love after love with The work of Byron Katie

Oooh relationships.
Love.
Mawage. (If you’ve seen Princess Bride, you’ll know this reference, so funny).
Divorce. (If you’ve experience this, or breaking up with someone, it may not be so funny).
Yesterday I went to Target, the big store in the US, with my daughter. She needed a belt to follow the dress code for her new job (which she gets to start Monday after much delay due to the pandemic) and groceries, and I needed a pillow.
Turning at the back of the store past the clothing aisles into the electronics and food sections….a huge pink wall on display was revealed.
Hearts, candies, gifties, jewelry, chocolates, pink candles, silk red roses, more candies.
Oh. Valentine’s Day is apparently coming!
I’ve done a little research on the origin of Valentine’s Day and it’s not exactly…pretty.
Either it has to do with martyrdom, sacrifices of goats and dogs, people thrown in jail for marrying couples in secret, executions, and/or an ancient Roman ritual of drunken naked revelry, beatings, and wishes for fertility.
Woah. Um. Kind of intense.
What remains of it today appears to be a celebration of romance and love and poetry and hearts. People get engaged and married, or celebrate together in coupled pairs on this day.
And when love has gone wonky, some people feel disappointed or sad they’re not “in” on the fun.
What a fantastic place for inquiry and investigation.
It doesn’t have to be about Valentine’s Day, either.
Just “love” in the form of romance.
What’s your perspective?
Is it disappointing? Sad? Difficult? Endless work? Passionate? Spicy? Complicated? Hoping against hope?
If it’s stressful, we’re invited with The Work of Byron Katie to question it.
And oh did I ever.
After my very first School for The Work in Los Angeles in March of 2005, I arrived home–literally–to my then husband saying he was no longer interested in being married. During our first conversation post-School.
BOOM.
I felt like the rug was pulled out from under me.
I felt a bit insane.
Some days this was thrilling and all the trapped feelings of following the “normal” flow of what was expected for my life was gone….and it was exciting and unknown.
Some days this was terrifying and I just wanted some solid ground to stand on.
My mind was a wild flip flop.
It felt like frantic grasping onto life without “my plan” (or what I thought of as the general successful plan for most couples).
Who was I without my belief that a relationship should go like “x” in order for me to be happy?
Woah. Really?
I can question that thought?
Yes.
What if there is no “right” and “wrong” way with relationship and relating?
What if we are moving always towards love, exploration, expansion, growth, creativity, joy?
Even if someone leaves.
Even if someone dies.
Even if someone annoys us.
Who am I right now without the belief I need that person to be ______ for me to be happy? (Kind, clean, respectful, productive, ambitious…..)
Without the belief, I’m a free person who is not dependent.
Not even dependent on that person being alive, in order for me to be happy.
I’m watching, playing, dancing, breathing….laughing even.
Life is quite ingenious, fascinating.
“There are universes that you may be missing, universes of wisdom that lie within you, which The Work can open you up to–your own answers to the questions, and the examples of your turnarounds are the key to those universes, the key to a kinder world and all the freedom that is your unlimited birthright.” ~ Byron Katie
 
Turning my thoughts around: This is not horrific, betrayal, abandonment, rejection, break-up, forever, failure.
Find examples of these TurnArounds are never meant, I find, to hurt us more or talk about us Not Deserving or something guilt-ridden.
These turnarounds are not about denying that something very powerful has changed, or happened, or ignited when it comes to this person and this relationship I’m considering.
But I love seeing that I can actually find examples for how this really isn’t that bad–not as bad as I think.
Never as bad as I think.
In my divorce; I was breathing, I took classes, I went to a second school for The Work, I volunteered in exchange for learning, I had dating conversations, I ran out of money and stopped believing I needed more “programs” in order to be happy, I found my center, I started working for money, I eventually paid of all my debt, I dated other people, I found a new home.
The whole wide world was available to me in that divorce.
No, it was not easy.
(Or maybe it was easier than I think)?
I also found how much I appreciated and admired and trusted my former husband. I was connected to him, and nothing could change that.
I realized one day, that if God had come along and said the following, I would have accepted it whole-heartedly, 100%, no looking back.
God/Reality/Source/Mystery: “I’ll bring you what you really want, and it’s going to hurt at first–badly maybe–but it will be amazing in the long-run. It will change your entire life. It will break your identity apart, in the best way. It will change the way you see life, and love. You’ll find an inner place of love you never recognized before, and it will guide you for the rest of your life. What will happen is: your husband will leave you. Are you in?”
Yikes.
But yes. I’m in. I Am Willing.
Turned around again: MY THINKING was horrific, betraying me, abandoning me, rejecting me, broken-up, failing.
All those horrifying moments…when all that was happening was a woman in a little adorable cottage sitting on a couch by herself.
What was the most difficult relationship I ever had?
Why, that would be my own thinking-mind and all its projections, memories, reminders, anticipations, worries, hand-wringings, small-ness, focus on safety, negative bias, perseveration, wishing, grabbing.
Innocently.
(I’m not blaming my mind).
“Becoming a warrior and facing yourself is a question of honesty rather than condemning yourself.” ~ Chongyam Trungpa
 
If you feel you still blame or condemn yourself for the relationship you’re in, or the one that got away, or the dream that isn’t manifesting itself….
….we can celebrate Valentine’s Day as a connection with What Is, even if we’ve been single, frightened, desperate, sad, lonely, lost.
I know that by questioning our interpretation of reality and relationship, we can find love in the oddest places.
Right here, on the couch.
Right here, in a quiet moment, reading.
Right here, looking out the window at the dusk sky.
Right here, seeing our loved one’s image in our minds who apparently no longer has a body in this lifetime.
Without the story of the absence of love, love is here.
If you’re not so sure….it’s OK….and let’s do The Work.
If you’re a person who suffers (a little or a lot) from relationship disappointment, upset or anguish….Nadine Ferris-France and I are joining together to offer a 5 day Relationship Retreat for the lonely, broken-hearted, longing or self-critical.
We meet for 4 consecutive days February 4-7 from 8-11am Pacific Time/ 11am-2pm ET/ 4-7pm UK and then one final stand-alone day on Valentine’s Day, February 14th, also from 8-11am PT.
We will dive into exercises specifically created to look closely at our beliefs about coupling, sharing, committing, leaving and being alone.
For those who have upset thinking about relationship….this retreat is for you.
Nadine and I have been offering a course in Relationship Hell to Heaven for a few years now and we have both gone through divorces and commitments to new partners and all the great ride this journey of relationship offers.
What we have found is that relationship is a path to awakening and freedom.
We’d love to share the road with you.
There is no requirement for being “in” or “out” of relationship.
The only requirement is interest in identifying the painful, sad, vicious or dreaded judgments of those you’ve loved (past, present, future) romantically, or noticing the mean, critical, disappointing thoughts you’ve had about yourself…and inquiring.
Valentine’s Relationship Hell To Heaven Retreat is sliding scale tuition ($275-$675 US). In addition to each live call, you will be paired with one other person daily during retreat to do The Work with them (a different person each day).
This is a wonderful immersion in partnering with others, and partnering with your own mind, for love.
Please write if you need further help in order to attend.
Read more and Sign up HERE.
“The secret of life that we are all looking for is just this: to develop through sitting and daily life practice the power and courage to return to that which we have spent a lifetime hiding from, to rest in the bodily experience of the present moment–even if it is a feeling of being humiliated, of failing, of abandonment, or unfairness.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck
 
You are the one you’ve been waiting for.
(And you can be in relationship and still feel and know this).
Love After Love – by Derek Walcott
The time will come 
when, with elation 
you will greet yourself arriving 
at your own door, in your own mirror 
and each will smile at the other’s welcome, 
and say, sit here. Eat. 
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart 
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you 
all your life, whom you ignored 
for another, who knows you by heart. 
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf, 
the photographs, the desperate notes, 
peel your own image from the mirror. 
 
We’re looking forward to the inner feast of Valentine’s Day.
The offering of troubles in relationship bringing us to our knees, and then to our senses.
To heal the wounding in close romantic relationship brings us to an open, willing heart. Who knows what can happen from there.
Join us here.
Much love,
Grace
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Question the assumptions you’re defending (short window open for joining Year of Inquiry)

I look forward to next First Friday on January 1st, New Year’s Day, 2021 7:45-9:15am Pacific Time. Mark your calendar now for the experience of questioning one painful situation in your life from 2020.
When we question one difficult experience, and begin to understand it with loving kindness, who knows what can happen with anything else we’ve thought of as painful?
To make sure you get the zoom link, watch in upcoming Grace Notes or save this email and join me here.
Speaking of questioning just ONE difficult experience….
….When I first encountered The Work, I came to it, I thought, because of one excruciatingly painful experience I felt was looming over me.
The experience had produced the most desperate shame, nausea, and an inner anxiety–panic really–about loss and death and ending all hope for the future.
I was investigating the experience of having an abortion.
It was unbelievably haunting at the time.
(If you want to read much more about abortion specifically, I’ve written a bit about it over the years–you can search on Grace Notes blog site for any key word and find Grace Notes from the past about any topic here).
I kept seeing all the steps of how that life condition had unfolded, how strange that it went the way it did with that decision. I felt guilty and horrified, but most of all full of despair.
All kinds of beliefs were present around that situation in my life.
Wanting to please someone else (the father) more than doing what felt right within. Terrified of the future and that I couldn’t do it alone. Feeling damned if I did and damned if I didn’t. Believing living in a body was the only way for a happy and full life for any human being. Thinking of myself as a murderer. Believing I was doomed.
Except.
I began to learn, with The Work of Byron Katie and that early inquiry….that the way I was thinking might have gaps of untruth in it. (Or, be entirely based on nothing that could be proven).

How can you know if what you’re thinking is not really true, or not allowing a full picture or clarity to enter your situation?

Well, one simple way you know you’re believing something false, for you, is you feel bad; frustrated, uncomfortable, angry, terrified, nervous, anxious, sad, annoyed, desperate.
I like knowing that if I feel troubled, I’m believing something that’s not actually true for me…no matter how repeatedly I might be thinking it to myself.
When I was reviewing that “terrible” situation in my life that led to abortion over and over, I’d panic.
Until I did The Work and understood, just a wee tiny bit, that the situation might not be as tragic as I was thinking.
It doesn’t mean I don’t think it was a deeply painful, or that I condone it. But I’m at peace with that experience where I still feel the grief, but knowing I learned something very important about unconditional love for all of life, including myself, by studying the pain there.
Some kind of crack into peace occurs with every situation I take through the self-inquiry process.
The mental energy settles down. There is an awareness of presence, of being here now. There is a feeling of rest and unclenching that flows instead of getting stuck.
A situation may not become resolved entirely, but the perspective I’ve been holding isn’t trapped forever in a repetitive noise of the same tune endlessly playing (like when an annoying or sad song gets stuck in your head).
Bottom line: when I do The Work, something shifts in the mind and the interpretation I’m holding about whatever it is I’ve found so troubling.
Huge relief.
Which brings me to a weird point I wanted to share, kind of a question really.
Why is there so much resistance sometimes to actually DOING The Work?
I mean, if it’s so freeing, why would I not do it when I feel upset?
People report this resistance, and I get the same thing going on inside of me. It goes something like this:
1) Difficult news, conversation, incident or happening occurs
2) Brain/Thinking starts making meaning out of it–and leans towards danger, protection, worst case scenarios, fear
3) It’s personal, “I” need to think of a plan–a way out, a way to peace, a way to get free, a way to find safety
4) Mind gets busy with the plan, rather than questioning the original story. “I’m too busy figuring out how to stay safe to do The Work right now”.
5) We return mentally to the scene of the crime over and over and rehash and try to make it go “right” rather than “wrong”, retroactively. It’s all about survival.
6) Nothing about our perspective actually changes.
I find without questioning my beliefs when I feel down or depressed, I keep repeating the same stories, feelings, behaviors. It looks like compulsion, addiction, analysis, rumination, bad dreams, avoiding, playing the same thoughts on repeat.
Sigh.
Don’t be discouraged, though.
Even simply pausing for a moment without saying something “should” or “shouldn’t” have happened in the past, present or future….can bring a sliver of peace.
Noticing that without a thought–and even with a thought–we are here, present, aware, alive whether we “get” what’s going on or not.
Another new moment is here.
Potential. Pausing.
Being here without waiting. Taking a deep breath. Exhaling entirely.
Feeling the silence around and inside everything.
If you are interested in stepping into The Work regularly by pausing, then taking your stressful thinking through four questions and finding turnarounds, there’s an unusual window coming up for people to join Year of Inquiry (several have requested it, so why not).
We meet Tuesdays at 9am PT, Wednesdays at Noon PT, Thursdays and 5pm PT and Saturdays at 8:30am PT. We also meet monthly on Fridays to discuss The Work instead of doing The Work–always amazing conversations.
You can begin with our small-but-mighty group on January 5th. To do this, you must join by January 4th to get on board and oriented.
Doing The Work is not a one-and-done type of deal.
It seems we need to get the hang of practicing, having the four questions and turnarounds sink into our experience.
At least, that’s what has worked best and most and steadily for me. Following the practice step-by-step, like meditating daily if possible. No “should” or “have to” just pondering and letting the mind wake up one thought at a time.
If I could heal the pain of an unexpected pregnancy and abortion, I found I could heal the way I related to all decisions. I could heal the way I spoke to others. I could heal my heart. I could heal the way I ate. I could heal the self-condemnation and depression and worry.
What a huge relief.
If you’d like a loving community of fascinating people practicing the end of stress and the openness to freedom through The Work, join me in our Year of Inquiry program.
While the program is set up to offer people an entire year of practice and support–which brings rich friendships and clarity into our lives–you can join month-to-month when you start at one of these openings during the year.
Each month, we study a new quite general topic (and you can also work with absolutely anything stressful for you, this is your program).
January is “money” month.
Read more and sign up here. If you’d like more details about YOI schedule long-term and the monthly topics, read about the schedule here.
If you need financial assistance please click the button once you get to the page to learn about YOI and you can apply for help.
“Year of Inquiry has worked. The times are great and I like that it’s all the calls plus a week off a month. No burnout. Nice to be able to listen to recordings. Grace is organized with the technology and it works. I do like our Slack forum for keeping connected. YOI has been a positive experience for me.” ~ Participant
And if this is biting off more than feels right to chew, come for the fun on New Year’s Day (no charge).
Can’t wait to get started in 2021 with a new year, a new week, a new day, a happy new moment with new possibilities every now, and now, and now.
“If you want to enter a state of grace, question the assumption you’re defending right now.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace
Posted on

It’s all over

There’s nothing for me so fun and wondrous as hanging out with a group of people committed to self-inquiry…

…all people willing to deal with their pain about life, whatever it’s been.

Or willing to be willing. Just a drop.

Open to considering the ordeals we’ve endured, and question our relationship to them.

I got to be in this kind of atmosphere through retreat this past week for six days straight. I also get to be in this kind of powerful energy inside Year of Inquiry and Eating Peace and First Friday (which, by the way, is in 2 days–find out more here) and only every single person I work with.

In so many ways, it seems like awareness comes easiest when the mind comes alive with questions rather than answers, when feeling stressed:

Is it true? What do I want? What am I against? What’s missing? What do I wish never happened?

The people who came to retreat last week were all so wise brilliant, each and every person.

As people shared, I could see the images of their stories in my own mind.

Isn’t that amazing how that happens?

The mind shows a picture immediately by hearing words spoken and ideas expressed, even though we weren’t even there.

I could see in each moment everyone’s small squares on the screen, their backgrounds or their rooms and environments, their sweet faces up close or far away on a chair, or perhaps only their names printed on the screen with video turned off.

What I loved about it all is noticing that being in person, face to face, is not required for this mind to have insights.

Yes, it is beautiful to be near people. It is precious to be in someone’s physical presence. It is amazing to have touch, energy, smell, up-closeness.

And, it is not required for inquiry, for healing, for compassion, for unconditional love.

One of my favorite things about The Work is that you can do it by yourself, and of course on zoom.

You can do it in writing, you can contemplate all by yourself in silence.

There’s constantly a part of us watching closely, considering, taking in the world and wondering about it and about past and future images.

During retreat I noticed a thought arise in myself that’s familiar and old and stressful.

Tom, my amazing co-facilitator, was facilitating someone in a wonderful, fascinating, different way.

And then, “he is doing this inquiry with that person better than me”.

LOL.

Good grief.

Will that voice never end?

And yet…noticing if I’m not against it, what could it teach?

What does it have as a gift, to offer?

Have you had this belief that someone or Those People have it better, do it better, live it better, feel better…anything “better” than you?

(I’ve heard people say they think this about Byron Katie and other thought-leaders and speakers and teachers).

Some of the folks who came to the retreat last week believed this strongly about others. People at their workplaces, their neighbors, those people of other races, those people with those other bodies that look different than mine, those people with that money, success, influence.

They have it better. I wish I had what they have. I’d be happier if I had that.

I know this is kind of strange to say given all the disruption and clarity coming out about race, but in high-school when I was surrounded by mostly black kids, I thought it was too bad I was white.

Believe me, I understand the privilege situation now. This was a microcosm in the midst of the greater society that wasn’t accepting and highly damaging for so many. But in my little 15-year old world, it was so much better to NOT be white.

In Eating Peace program we look at the body.

There are those other people with bodies that mean….attraction, power, appeal, safety. Those thin people. Oh didn’t I wish I had their bodies.

Then…things would be good. I’d be happy.

Just to pause at only one situation, one thought, one idea.

That’s better over there.

A wonderful thing to do with this is where my mind went when I had the thought arise during retreat.

Why am I thinking this? How so? How do I know what I’m observing is better?

My answers: it appears more useful, more successful in creating a shift, more powerful, deeper, more of service for someone.

Is it true? Can I really know that what I’m seeing is “better” over there than what’s apparently over here?

Can I be sure what I’m observing is Not Me? Am I interested in comparing?

No.

It’s OK if your answer is “YES!!!”

I’m just SURE if I had five million dollars like that other person, my life would be better….YES.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Are you entirely sure? Really?

What happens when you think that Other Person’s experience, appearance, condition, movement, behavior, status, situation is better than yours?

Agony. Despair at the lack of fairness. Disappointed.

I have a “goal” to be that Other Way. Some day. I’ll strive for it. I’ll find the missing piece. I’ll get there. I’ll never stop.

Isn’t this what it’s like while I diet my way to the perfect body, suffering the entire time, using willpower, resistance, force, deprivation, gripping?

I have visions of those amazing people doing it the “right” way. Not me. I may pull away from those fancy people, those thin people, those clear people.

Shame.

So who would you be without the belief “they are doing it better than me”?

Staying in the situation you’ve chosen to go more deeply into. Stay very close to that.

Without the belief “he’s doing it better” I realize I have zero evidence to support that. I know it’s once again, just a personal thought.

I open to the joy and receiving I experience as I look at that Other Person and see such loving movement, such skill, such exquisiteness.

I see the elements and qualities I absolutely adore in Tom, for example: steadiness, a sense of love pressing in, more yang. Aware I also have this kind of intensity–it appears when needed apparently.

In high-school: the aliveness, the joy, the dancing (which is so me), the wild….a full range of colors all magnificent.

In those people with those athletic bodies; the power, the intensity, the joy of climbing a mountain to the top. It doesn’t mean I have to climb the same mountain (never, will I ever).

In that one who apparently has millions: without the belief they have it better I’m noticing, laughing, delighting in what appears to be over there. Happy to see abundance!

Noticing I was believing I’m not inside that experience, when it’s right here IN my experience.

Such appreciation for What Is. The diversity, the spirit, the glory, the clarity, the wealth.

“I” don’t need it to be “mine”. It never actually is.

Wow.

Turning the thought around: I am the best right here, this one who is me in this moment. Nothing more. Nothing less.

They are not “better” in any disappointing or stressful way. They are themselves, and this is itself (I could even question that), and we are both on a fabulous, enticing path of expansion.

What I am here, is just right for now. This is it.

Nothing more, or different, or special required.

Who is the one observing anyway?

Seeing without assessing. Open mind.

Awareness.

Noticing there are no boundaries, no “final answers”, life is constantly in motion, a new segment beginning and ending and beginning again.

Life bountifully bubbling like a geyser at Yellowstone National Park.

Who would we be without our stories that say “that is better” or “this is worse” or “that is worse” or “this is better”?

A great rest and relaxation. Nothing more required. Joyful with what’s taken in. Learning from what I see.

Noticing the draw towards what happens that is displayed before me; that it’s just right, just close enough, coming and going in just the right amount. Passion, depth, music, solidness, connection, love, freedom.

Peace.

“When you are trained, like a great athlete, to immediately relax through your edges when they get hit, then it’s all over. You realize that you will always be fine. Nothing can ever bother you except your edges, and now you know what to do with them. You end up loving your edges because they point your way to freedom. All you have to do is constantly relax and lean into them. Then one day, when you least expect it, you fall through into the infinite. That is what it means to go beyond.” ~ Michael Singer

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Join me for First Friday in 2 days on the actual Second Friday (haha). We gather and do The Work from start to finish. Everyone and anyone welcome, no fee. Get the link on zoom here . 12/9 7:45am-9:15am PT.

P.P.S. Next retreat is on Relationships: Feb 4-7 and then Feb 14th 8am-11am daily for these five days. More info on this Valentine’s Renew, Reset, Retreat coming soon.

Posted on

How to stop worrying about someone else’s worrying

In only one week from today, what I already know will be an amazing time will begin. Six days in a row of being with others together online (zoom) to delve deeply into The Work and self-inquiry.

(Scroll to the end to get the daily schedule and info).

I’m co-facilitating this one with my colleague and friend Tom Compton. He’s brilliant and well-seasoned in The Work: for over 30 years he’s been doing this process and sitting in the four questions, along with working with other people.

We have absolutely loved co-facilitating retreats together.

We’re so looking forward to doing it again.

Here’s me interviewing Tom about his experience with The Work, in case you’d like to get to know him a little better:

One thing we’ll be asking everyone attending retreat (I’m asking myself right now):

What’s been scaring you, making you nervous, irritating you, or bringing despair?

What do you notice bothers or disturbs your psyche, your mood, your inner natural experience of peace?

Recently, I had an awareness of something that seemed important.

How do I know it was important–at least important for inquiry?

It disturbed me.

Someone who I adore and have known their entire life shared how angry they’ve been with the world and a situation they’ve encountered.

Have you ever had someone close to you share something deeply disturbing, and you clench up yourself?

“Yikes, that sounds terrible,” we might say.

I noticed I saw visions of them being depressed. A picture of them with head in hands, lonely and sad, scheming on suicidal thoughts.

They did NOT tell me they were suicidal specifically.

But oh look what the mind did.

We join with the person who is crying “this is so awful, really it is so so so awful.”

Nothing wrong with that. Except.

When I begin to believe they are not safe, they are not loved, they are not capable, they are suffering terribly.

Something about sitting with someone who is doing The Work, incidentally, I entirely trust the process.

I don’t “worry”.

I know they’re OK, they are working on it, they are underway with the power of love at their side.

But this was someone who doesn’t exactly do The Work and there they were, sharing about the depth of their misery.

That person is miserable.

What do you think this means, that they’re miserable? I noticed for me, that was where the fear rose up. It means they don’t want to live. It means they’ve lost their happiness.

Is it true, they shouldn’t be so miserable?

I don’t know.

So, no.

What happens when you believe it’s true?

WORRY.

Trying to problem-solve, figure out how to handle the situation, make it better, give suggestions, offer advice, offer to jump in and take care.

There can be a whole list of what would “make it better” that they need to “get”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with reaching out or being there to help. But this is noticing I was doing it with FEAR in the background.

So who would I be without the belief this person is fundamentally miserable?

This can sound cold to even consider. Like you don’t care about them and their perspective.

But I sat for a moment, imagining this person I love dearly seeming to be so stuck and unhappy and angry…

…without the belief “they are miserable–and this must be fixed by me, as soon as possible. I must help! This is dangerous!”

Without this belief, I stay present.

I’m not afraid to be with someone who is suffering. I might say “if you ever want to try doing The Work, I’m available and here for you”. I check in on them.

I remember suddenly the way I felt when I started hospice work on a really beautiful research project run through the University of Washington almost 20 years ago. My very first patient I saw as a research assistant, I felt trepidation entering her apartment. She was dying of breast cancer. I asked her many questions about pain, depression, emotions and fears. All of them pre-written for this project.

Once I was finished speaking with her and back in my little car in the rainy parking lot, I sobbed.

But then, it got easier and easier. By the fifth person, I was able to sit with them and know nothing was required except to be there and ask the questions they had already agreed to be asked. I enjoyed my job so much, I was shocked. It felt so genuine, so real.

Back to my loved one.

I noticed this person said “I don’t want any advice. I just want you to hear me”.

So good to know. Reality tells you what’s needed.

No Advice. No problem-solving.

Turning the thought around: If someone tells a terrible story, it does NOT mean they’ll be miserable forever, or suicidal, or broken.

It means they’re whole, intact, aware, moving towards joy.

Could it be just as true?

Why not? Don’t I notice the power of healing, of freedom and joy over and over again?

Yes I do.

Turning the thought around again: If someone tells me their miserable story, my thinking is miserable…not them.

Wow. Yes, I joined in.

I added some anxiety to the pot even.

I believed, just like them.

This person gave me the opportunity to hold and question a thought that misery must be stopped….that it doesn’t stop itself.

I imagined God, reality, support, love, source, mystery, magic and miracles were not possible in this situation, were not already underway.

Oops.

Who needs God, when we have my opinion?

Byron Katie used to say this with a smile from time to time sitting with people who made extra good cases for their misery and suffering and terrible predicaments.

I loved it when I first heard it.

I love noticing that tendency within me that says “No thanks, reality…I’ll take care of this myself! You obviously don’t know how to manage things around here!”

That mind that doesn’t believe love and rest and abundance and ease is possible in certain situations. That mind that doesn’t remember everything passes, and nothing is All Bad. That mind that is not in charge of other people’s healing.

Or my own, for that matter.

I can’t give you anything you don’t already have. Self-inquiry allows you access to the wisdom that already exists within you. It gives you the opportunity to realize the truth for yourself. Truth doesn’t come or go; it’s always here, always available to the open mind. If I can teach you anything, it is to identify the stressful thoughts that you’re believing and to question them, to get still enough so that you can hear your own answers. Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories. The Work gives you a portal into wisdom, a way to tap into the answers that wake you up to your true nature, until you realize how all suffering is caused and how it can be ended. It returns you to before the beginning of things. Who would you be without your identity?

Winter Retreat meets Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence.

9am-11:30am Pacific Time daily and 3:30-6:00pm Pacific Time daily. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here.

Sliding scale.

Much love,
Grace

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there’s something wrong with anxiety

There must be something wrong with me–I know, because of this anxiety.

Have you ever had that thought?

Whether a moment when you dropped a dish and it smashed to pieces, or someone broke up with you, or you weighed yourself (we’re looking at this in Eating Peace program) or you lost your temper, or you lost your house because of difficult financial circumstances….

….so many times we’ve reacted.

“Yikes! Oh no!”

I did it wrong.

Because I did it wrong, I’ll die without succeeding. I’ll fail. I’ll suffer. I’ll be alone forever. I won’t get “there”.

Some of us take so much responsibility for problems, we’re anxious, then we’re depressed and incredibly full of despair.

But can you be sure there’s something wrong with you because you’re anxious?

Think of just one situation.

For example, two different inquirers brought this to the pot in the past couple of weeks:

They were anxiously thinking about the future.

They were against feeling so anxious. Their minds were out of control.

Unchangeable.

“I’ve been working on this for soooooo long. Why don’t I stop obsessing? Why do I continue to be like this?!”

So if you’ve experience anxiety, and then berated yourself for being anxious….this inquiry is for you.

My situation. Two years ago (ish) in February on a very dark wintry rainy weekend in the northwest. I’m out of town with my husband for a long weekend.

In the hotel room, we receive an email saying they’ll be moving ahead with the building project in our back yard. A new small house with a ground floor apartment for my mother in her elder years, and a studio/office space up above for groups and inquiry work.

They would need $52,000 to begin on Tuesday.

I begin to sweat.

Holy Mother of God, what have we done? This is going to cost so much more than that. If this is only what they need to get started, how will this unfold? What if we don’t have enough? How did we ever think we could do something so massive? Why didn’t we just pay off our house instead of refinancing and building?

How could I have imagined I would even be eligible to do such a grand, gigantic thing?

People are starving in Africa.

As my husband began to breathe heavily later, in a deep and restful sleep, I began to think.

Maybe we should back out of this.

And by the way, why are we in a hotel? We should be saving any extra money for this ginormous project.

We should probably leave in the morning. I don’t like it here.

Now, you might think….she probably started doing The Work in the middle of the night, right?

Oh no.

I was having a full on epileptic thinking seizure. I stared at airplane lights far in the distance out the dark window, wondering how I picked a hotel this close to the airport.

I’m honestly still not sure why or how that all rose up to such a heightened sense of speeding thought, and how it happened that all sense of safety was sucked out of the room. (That’s dramatic–the room was entirely safe. The future, in my head, was unsafe).

I’m not sure why I did not meet the anxious mind with four questions as I always find liberating.

Maybe the fire needed to burn very brightly, so I could see how much I feared not having enough in the future.

I had images of boarded-up unfinished houses seen in neighborhoods sometimes. People who started a big project, and couldn’t finish it.

I had images of stocks plunging to zero and everything tanking.

“What is wrong with you?”, I thought.

“Don’t you want a simple life?”

People who come into the programs I facilitate often come with this core belief running in the background, this terrible doubt about themselves; Relationship Hell to Heaven (which just ended last Sunday, such a beautiful healing group), Year of Inquiry (gathering all year for self-inquiry together), Eating Peace (people feeling horrible about their eating issues).

Everyone is upset with how life has gone, and especially how they’ve responded to it.

Is it true there’s something wrong with you, if you’ve been full of emotions, like anxiety?

Are you absolutely sure it’s wrong to feel anxious?

No.

What’s the reality? Anxiety exists.

What happens when you’re upset with anxiety, with thinking, with a circumstance or a condition that sends you into fear?

I see flashes of terrible failure in the future.

Suffering. Sorrow. Regret.

I have to make the right decision NOW. I panic and run. Or I jump in when not quite ready.

Everything on the topic is an emergency.

In my mind that night during the news that our plans were really happening, I was unexpectedly thrown off by my panic about the unknown future…and money.

Who would I be without the belief that something was wrong? With me? With the circumstance?

Aware that nothing WAS actually wrong in that moment.

Even with this mind.

It was doing its job, reminding (re-mind-ing) me that only ten years earlier I almost lost the very same property to foreclosure and debt. Reminding me I should be very careful (which can be questioned). Reminding me I’ve suffered in the past, so suffering may happen again in the future.

But it was just mental images and thoughts and imagination and stored memory presenting itself.

I could question it all.

Who are we without our thoughts about the thing causing anxiety, and the anxiety itself?

I love we can turn the mind towards using the imagination for support and loving kindness, rather than drama and chaos.

Without my beliefs running, I’d notice the stillness and the powerful support of the present moment.

Turning the thought around: there’s something wrong with my thinking.

Yes, I can see my thinking, left unto itself, runs rampant when believing there’s a threat.

Turning the thought around: there’s something RIGHT with me (as I gaze at anxiety).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Anxious images in a slide show, anxious feelings in the body.

And still, woman listening to husband’s sleeping breath. Looking through a glass at the night sky. Listening to the quiet room.

Stillness present.

Safety present.

Secure in gravity, warmth, resting, oxygen.

Mind busy, doing what it was born to do.

Nothing wrong.

“It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Body lying on a bed, feeling what the mind is thinking.

Failing to notice the joy of the space, the support, the slowness. Failing to notice no check needs to be written in the middle of the night, right at that moment.

All else, perfectly in order, perfectly on time.

Life, offering something. Person reacting to it and believing. Person believing the thought that believing a thought was wrong.

A lovely inquirer in Year of Inquiry said in passing in our call last Saturday “that Rumi poem about staring at the wound, that one…”

It’s one of my favorites, and I read it at retreats quite often.

I opened it up later to re-read it, and bring it to this memory of an imagined anxious sleepless night, noticing the intensity and beauty of that weekend and the turning within, the awareness. The invitation.

Look.

Look again.

Who are you, without your thoughts, even in that past memory of anxiety?

Who are you without your thoughts that having anxious thoughts is terrible, or wrong or unenlightened?

Healing the past, in the present moment of inquiry.

Calling back the past “see, it’s OK, it always was. Relax, relax.”

Kind to the anxious one. Willing to question.

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound.
They cover it, those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a Teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.”
~ Rumi

If you have a past memory that surfaces, an experience of something “wrong” with you, with others, with life….

….you can believe your thoughts (how brilliant that you have done so) and you can also answer four questions and find turnarounds and un-believe your thoughts.

We can keep looking at the wounds, and not turn our heads.

Letting the light enter us.

If you want to, join me and the wonderful Tom Compton as we support you in healing the anxious mind with The Work.

Everyone, experienced to beginner, is welcome.

We meet Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

We have wonderful things planned and the unplanned will present itself, as it always does, to hold us in steady joy and silence in the background of it all.

We can’t wait to be in the adventure.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here. Sliding scale $375 – $895 for six days.

We prepare for winter, on the inside, on the outside.

The immense gift of inquiry: noticing reality is kind. Noticing reality is a teacher. Noticing reality can be trusted.

Astonishing.

Much love,
Grace