Month: September 2019

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Wanting, grabbing, denying, hating: we can question the compulsion cycle

Someone asked a group on facebook for sharing exploration of The Work of Byron Katie “if anyone has gotten over an eating disorder using The Work, please share how”.

Someone else tagged me….knowing my extreme interest and devotion to healing, first, my own eating issues, and now helping others heal theirs.

What I love about the question is how much it helped me think about how I would answer it most precisely.

I didn’t want to write a whole lot on facebook (shocking, right?) but I knew the question was coming out of all we feel when we’re doing something that seems in direct opposition to our own best interest–actually harmful to ourselves.

Overeating, over-drinking, smoking, compulsive sexual behavior, TV watching, distraction, cleaning too much, over-spending, shopping, internetting, working.

All these behaviors can be so painful. And yet so difficult to stop.

Understanding what’s going on in the mind that triggers these behaviors is immensely helpful. In fact, for me, it’s been the only thing necessary to end the cycle of compulsion.

And being willing to stop.

(Willing is different than forcing, by the way).

Here’s one exercise that might help you, that I didn’t post on facebook when I commented on that person’s wonderful, painful question:

Write down what you hate about Not Eating. Or Not Drinking. Or Not Buying.

What is uncomfortable about it?

What’s the worst that could happen?

What happens if you feel all your emotions, and stop thinking you shouldn’t?

Your list may look something like this:

  • If I stopped x behavior….I’d go insane
  • If I stopped x behavior….I’d have nothing to do with my anxiety and nervous tension
  • I’d be afraid
  • I’d have to face silence, and fear
  • I’d have to listen to the horrible voices in my head screaming at me (they feel very abusive)
  • I’d start to cry
  • I’d feel alone and lonely
  • I’d be angry with myself for having a craving
  • I’d be enraged…at everything
  • I couldn’t handle it
What is wonderful about your list, is that it shows you what you’re afraid of facing, without this compulsive behavior.

 

Often, its Big Feelings. And all those feelings are big because they’re associated with painful, intense thinking.

 

Now….many of us begin to think that we have to then do The Work on everything and anything they’ve ever feared or gone through that has been traumatic or sad….before we can tolerate trying to stop, or actually stop that behavior.

 

That very thought can be another stressful depressing belief about how long it will take to be cured of this terrible cycle of behavior.

 

Just notice the energy of what happens when you believe “this has to stop and it will take a long, long time and will be very very hard.”
 
Let’s question that one today.

 

What you want to change about yourself and your life, especially self-defeating or obsessive behavior, will take a long time and be very hard.

 

Is it true?

 

Can you absolutely be sure?

 

It did seem to me that I had many trials and tribulations to get to eating peace. Many “cures” attempted. Many things tried. All of them helpful, to be honest. (Some more than others).

 

But I’m not sure it needed to take a long time or be very hard, even though it seems like it was.

 

Lately, I’ve had this very same belief about saving retirement money. I’ll never be able to. I’ll always have an expense rather than investing in a fund. It will take a long time to build any savings, and be very very hard.

 

How do you react when you believe it?

 

Despairing. Hunting for an answer, then giving up, then hunting again. Pictures of arduous labor into the future. Thoughts about having done it wrong in the past.

 

So many of us also hear the question inside our heads, asked in a mean way “why did you do that…AGAIN??!”
Who would you be without the belief it will take a long, long time to change, succeed, shift, stop….and it will be very, very hard?
Ahhhhhhhhhh.
That is such a deep wonderful breath of relief.
Without the thought, I relax and notice today is today. I have no idea of the future.
This could be the last time I ever believe I need to work until it hurts, who knows?

Not me.

Without the belief, I do the next thing—I’m on a journey. I notice the moment here. I hear my thoughts, I imagine what it’s like if they weren’t true.

Turning the thought around: it takes a very short time, and is easy. 

We’re only seeing if this could be just as true, or truer. It doesn’t mean it SHOULD be easy and for you it hasn’t been.

You get to find examples.

What I can find, is that I can sit with very disturbed emotions and thoughts, and not do anything about them. I have had thoughts I didn’t follow, that I just watched and didn’t believe.

Every night we usually go to sleep, and nothing is happening in those moments. We shut down and we’re not “doing”. We sometimes forget all the other moments in our day when we’re not doing that thing we actually wish we’d stop doing.

But holding the experience of whatever we’re calling “compulsion” or “self-defeating behavior” or “addiction”….

….without blame, rage, self-criticism, shame….

….we can do this just for a moment, and rest without being against it. Letting it be OK that this turmoil appears inside, like a thunderstorm.

Without the belief the turmoil will last for a long time and be very hard to overcome….I can wait, walk, talk with people close to me, be honest, be myself, rest in peace.

Turning it around again: It’s my thinking that is very long, and very very hard. 

Yes, I thought so repetitively the same negative thoughts over and over: I should be thin, I’m ugly, I can’t earn enough, I’m not good enough. These all hit me hard.

I was eating and consuming war, not peace.

(But notice, a thought is energy, and can shift like the wind in an instant).

What if less is required, not more?

If you have a particular desire to address eating issues, the six day annual Eating Peace Retreat is in Seattle near my home January 15-20, 2020. Weds evening through Monday 11:30am (yes, Monday is a holiday in the US). The retreat has only 4 spots left. There is room onsite if you want to sleep in the retreat house (extra lodging fee).

Much love,

Grace
P.S. Some of the people in Year of Inquiry are looking at behaviors and single ideas or systems of belief about one topic they really want to understand, question and turnaround. We happen to have room for a few more, so if you still wanted to begin now, you can. Then, however, we will close enrollment for good November 1st (we always do) and journey on through next summer. Write me for a conversation about it, if you desire. (Hit reply). Read about it and register here.

 

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Someone else’s work inspires and becomes our own

Oh my, what fun to just begin this week the group program that runs all the way through next summer.

Year of Inquiry has officially kicked off (you can still join).

One of the things I like about it so much, is people bring their stressful situations, and as they begin to do The Work (answering the four questions) I feel the same thoughts unravel inside my own psyche.

I can relate to anyone and everyone who comes to do The Work.

In fact, it goes better when I do, as the apparent “facilitator” I almost always find a situation where I had the same thought as the inquirer.

Our beginning thoughts in our group meetings this past week were three brilliant and common situations:

1) that person is soooo negative (do you know anyone who you think of as deeply negative)?

2) I won’t ever feel like something’s come true that I really desire (have you wanted something desperately, but while it’s true for others, it isn’t for you)?

3) a whole lot rides on a decision I am making, and my decision could make it worse (have you ever felt you could make the wrong decision)?

All three of these scenarios in human life, I can find where I’ve had the same thought and felt the suffering of it.

The memory or picture pops into my mind while the inquirer shares.

In fact, all of us listening get to find where we’ve had the same thought, even though it’s about a person WE know, and an entirely different situation.

Our own.

So as I listened, I could picture a long-forgotten co-worker who I thought of at the time as supremely negative. By the end of the inquiry, I felt such compassion for her and remembered how much I learned from her at the time, and from the conflict I had inside about her.

I then recognized the thought about something not coming true that I wish for: finishing a book I started long ago and even wrote a proposal for, all of which haven’t developed further. I could sit with the idea I need that to happen…is it true?

And oh my, the one about decisions. I used to agonize dreadfully about decisions. I remember putting my children in a school, taking them out and putting them in another, taking them out and homeschooling, and putting them back into the first one. Yikes. I was terrified of making the wrong decision.

Funny how we can have something specifically about our own life up for investigation, while also closely listening and being with someone else who is speaking out loud, answering the questions, dropping into inquiry.

I love it.

My own inquiry on my own is beautiful, but honestly, never the same as with a group.

This sense of connection directly with others has a spark and energy to it that’s adventurous, unexpected.

Who would we be, without our stories?

This week, I got to speak with Helena Montelius about her life in The Work since the year 2000; almost two decades with the four questions. I have the same experience of gratitude, openness and relief just hearing her story.

To listen to the Peace Talk podcast with Helena, click here.

To watch on youtube, join us here:

Much love, Grace

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A disturbance on facebook. I had to do The Work!

Do your thoughts about money feel powerless or poisonous?

A notification appeared below a facebook comment.

This one….well….let’s just say there are posts sometimes that are fabulous reminders of whole thought systems I’ve held about reality, money, support, earning, sharing, gifting, and spirituality.

It was on a recent post about Year of Inquiry which, as I’m sure you know by now, is just starting up in full next week.

If she genuinely want to help others than why put a price tag on it? If she is all about grace, than why does it have a limit? The world needs desperate healing, unconditional love and support. If only the spiritual community wasn’t another elite group with an expensive fee. The irony is so blatant!

Yikes. Knife through the heart.

I could look at each and every sentence, and see what thoughts appeared within them that feel frightening for me, uncomfortable, dreadful.

  • She thinks Year of Inquiry an elite “expensive” group, and shouldn’t be.
  • No one who is helping or serving others “spiritually” should charge money.
  • Everyone should always be allowed in, whether they pay for it or not.
  • If I’m helping others (or if anyone is helping others), there should be no price tag, or limits, put on it.
  • The world is desperately in need. It needs unconditional love and support (and what I’m offering isn’t).

Oh my.

Sigh.

I love this post so much, honestly.

Because it spells out a perspective of thinking about money and service I’ve been committed to understanding for a long while deep inside myself.

Thoughts about loving service, money, receiving, sharing, setting limits of time or energy or fees, being supported financially.

What thoughts do you have about being of service to others, volunteering vs being paid, needing to earn a living (apparently) by receiving money….or most importantly, about the spirituality of money?

I see how conditioned I was to believe the idea that money is not spiritual.

In fact, in my historical tradition, it’s evil. Money was considered a very sensitive, tricky, difficult topic. The “wanting” of money is the root of all evil!

We should pretend it doesn’t exist and not talk about it too much, never want it, give it away, and do lots of invisible work without asking for payment for the work.

In this story of work, service and money….I probably shouldn’t ever mention Year of Inquiry or any programs coming up. I think it’s called marketing or promotion, and marketing is sleezy, isn’t it?

Sigh again.

It’s a painful story, I’ve found.

Is it a true story?

Good question. (Well, I automatically know when I feel disturbed I’m believing an untrue thought).

We all know those who have been “greedy”, and for some of us, this quality of greed or grabbing for oneself is called a “deadly sin”.

I could feel the sadness, heart-break and desire to defend swirling around from this comment written by a stranger willing to share their truth in the moment.

I could feel the immediate compassion of this writer’s possible unwritten beliefs: I’m not included. I don’t want to have to pay for love. The world is full of suffering. We need help. I need help. Something’s too hard.

I’ve believed all these, and felt the sadness.

And how do I react when I believe I’ve offended someone because I’ve charged a fee for services?

Sad again.

I also had an urge to defend and describe the amount of hours I give in my business for free. To describe my own devastation around money in the past. I want to tell everyone about my hardships still underway. As if that makes it better, makes me OK as a person.

I shouldn’t be charging anything.

Is that really true?

Of course not. It’s almost ridiculous.

Having money feels deeply supportive, to exchange for all the things I use it for like a roof, bed, clothing, pillows, refrigerator. I suppose I don’t need the money. I’ve known what it’s like to have none, and survived OK. But I do love having enough to pay for food and all the items that support the body functioning well. I love not borrowing from others but creating helpful programs to share with others who want them.

How do I react?

I feel a flash of guilt.

I’m blatantly flying in the face of the story “wanting money is the root of all evil.”

I’m not hiding it. I’m sharing it with the world, I’m creating events, I’m saying yes to invitations. I’m running a business. Money is moving about, in and out, to me, away from me.

When I believe the thought I’m doing something wrong with money, I feel like justifying. I want to say to you “I live in a 700 square foot cottage) and “my car is 20 years old” and “I never buy clothes or jewelry or luxury items of any kind”.

Heart sinks, I feel sorry for myself as I can’t imagine how to support myself without this thing called money–which suddenly isn’t a friend anymore, it’s an enemy by association.

So who would I be without this old guilt about money being evil, and charging being wrong, and spirituality or serving others being something that shouldn’t have a price….or not offending someone on the internet being important?

Ahhhhh.

I’d notice the way money touches us all, whether we care about having more of it or not, or wanting to be free of it or not, or having opinions about it or not.

Money is like the whole world, and love. It doesn’t judge. It goes anywhere (it doesn’t care if the person whose pocket it is in just stole it).

Without the thought I’m doing something wrong, I remember the first time someone sent me a donation.

I was shocked. What is this $10 for? And next to the paypal “I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your work in the world”.

And then someone sent $20. One day, another $20. One day someone sent $100. Then another time someone sent $500, with a beautiful “thank you for Grace Notes”. And again here came another $300. I’ve lost track.

So touching, so encouraging. So amazing. So generous.

How did I know I needed these unrequested contributions? I received them. They were so valuable to me. Showing me the generosity of humanity and the spice to keep going.

Turning the thought around: I should set fees for services, I should run a business, it’s OK to want money (not evil)…

….Maybe wanting money is even…beautiful, kind, loving (whatever the opposite of evil is).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

“We use stress and violence as a motivator to get things done. But I have the opposite experience than that. Love is the power.

Whatever comes up, if that thought brings peace or stress into your life, then do The Work. Self-inquiry is here to wake us up from our nightmares. If I am stressed out or uncomfortable, then it is up to me to wake me up. Freedom is an internal thing, where the mind meets itself and we end internal war. Freedom is when we love everything we think, everything we are, everything the mind creates. We learn the difference between imagination and reality….and it belongs to everyone and anyone.”
~ Byron Katie

Turning it all around, trying it all on:

Turning it all around:

  • Year of Inquiry is not expensive, and it should be.
  • I should charge fees, I should receive money. When others are helping or serving me, I should give them money.
  • Everyone already IS allowed “in”, whether they pay for it or not. Yahoo! We’re all a part of the human family, doing our dances.
  • If I’m helping others (or if anyone is helping others), there are already no price tags, or limits, put on it.
  • Anyone can charge what they need, desire, want or find joy to ask. It’s unlimited and totally creative. (I’ve been amazed by programs I hear about where someone charges $8000 for 8 sessions, or other even higher fee programs).
  • The woman writing the comment is in need. She doesn’t sound happy. I can gather her in my thoughts with loving kindness (I do). My thinking in this situation is in need (of inquiry especially). She was being unconditionally loving and supportive in sharing her thoughts with me, to help me see better my sense of strength with money–which I’ve needed for awhile.
  • It’s OK if someone disagrees with me, or thinks what I’ve created is too expensive, or shouldn’t cost anything.

So true.

In fact, right now I have a greater sense of freedom with money, running a program, sharing what’s offered, spreading the news….noticing with joy who comes, who doesn’t, what happens, and trusting life, and money, as they unfold.

So exciting.

If it serves you to join a group to travel together questioning thoughts like “I need more money” and “they shouldn’t ask for so much” and all the places we think the world is suffering….I’d love to you have in Year of Inquiry.

You can still join this weekend, we get started in lives inquiry calls next week.

I love you all.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Everyone’s getting excited for fall retreat in Pennsylvania Oct 17-20, dorm style lodging in our great big beautiful amish-style vacation home. We can have a comfortable cot set up for you (lodging has a small separate fee). We’re sharing delicious food. And our minds get to do The Work. What could be better?

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School. Learning. You should be a good student. (True)?

This past weekend, I went with my husband who is a school teacher to run errands late Saturday afternoon.

He needed supplies to make name tags for his new students, little plastic bins for each child with lids, and some classroom toys. (He’s teaching pre-Kindergarten again this year).

Out in the late afternoon overcast day, I welcomed being a passenger in his car, going along for the ride, resting after running dance in the morning, washing all the windows in my cottage with a dear brother-friend who is a pro window washer, and sweeping, dusting, cleaning.

The weekend looked like autumn, and felt like autumn. Autumn cleaning and autumn rain.
My husband and I were greeted in the bright lights of the fabric store with Halloween decorations, and school supplies.
Fall is when school always began for me, whether I was attending school in Kansas, England, South Africa, Washington state or Colorado.
It’s so ingrained to start new ventures in the fall, it would almost be a surprise for me NOT to have something new beginning in the fall.
But not everything about school is full of simple newness and anticipation that feels good.
Oh, no.
In fact, when my oldest child approached school age, I felt excited….and suddenly, horrified. 
I studied homeschooling options. I felt a strange panic inside about all that he was about to get inundated with.
There’s the definitions of Good Student. Grades, tests, homework, sitting in your seat on time before the bell.
Then, there are the social fields of navigation; if you’re “in” or “out” of a group, or who you eat lunch with, if you play sports or do something well.
And what about being easy for the teacher to work with in the classroom? You should be adaptable, show up always on time, listen (No Talking), not ask too many questions, and do what the teacher says.
The teacher will be happy! You will be praised, or at least appreciated!
Recognizing all this deep conditioning, when it came to my child, I had a voice yelling in my head “You can escape the ongoing system! You can save your kids from being taught what is right and what is wrong incessantly!”
(Monty Python’s hilarious line “subvert the dominant paradigm!”. Even though I wasn’t a huge Monty Python fan when I first encountered them.)
Which is why in Year of Inquiry, even though we begin in the fall…
….we don’t have a “good student” precept or conditioning to follow.
Sure, there are some structures that are intended to support. But they aren’t there to mold or force you or instruct you.
But let’s inquire.
Wherever you are, whomever you are, let’s take a look at this concept I’ve held, it seems, without even knowing how deeply ingrained it was in my bones:
You need to be a good student (and maybe this fits for you in the context of work, if you aren’t a student. You need to be a good worker or employee). 
Is this true?
Oh my. Can we really question this one?
What if I question it and stop being a “good” student? I’ve tried to be such a good student of the world, life, the mind, even meditation.
Wait. What about doing The Work?
I’ve been a really good student of The Work! (Have I)?
But can I know it’s true I need to be a “good” student of anything? Can I know what a “good” student looks like?
Did I have to try hard to take a glorious walk after the rain when all the leaves were steaming yesterday?
(Good students try hard, right?)
Can I absolutely know it’s true that this “good” conditioning or story is the way I need to go about studying….anything?
No.
How do I react when I believe I need to be a good student, or at least try, try, try? Yes, even when it comes to The Work, or doing yoga, or meditating, or doing something supposedly “good” for me?
I put a whole lot of effort into what I’m learning until I avoid it altogether and say “screw it, who cares”.
I evaluate how my day “should” be spent and give myself a thumbs up if I accomplished a lot, and a thumbs down if I did not. (And I believe I know what ‘accomplished” looks like).
I feel a list of ‘shoulds’ running my life. I’m polite, I withdraw, I question myself and earn the right to just relax, instead of “study”. I do things myself, and don’t ask for help.
I forget how much I love to study, and that there are some topics I’m so fascinated by–there is no making myself study, or making myself do it “well”.
Which is why in Year of Inquiry and sharing this orientation means, at a fundamental level, is there is truly no wrong way to do it.
People really have to question this belief to understand, though. Most folks don’t believe it.
But in YOI (or anywhere there’s schooling) you don’t “have to” find insights, become a good example, show up for absolutely everything, do your work the “right” way, not express yourself truthfully.
In fact, I encourage people to NOT follow their “good student” stories.
Instead, we can turn it around, and have fun being BAD students. (LOL).
TA: You need to be a bad student (or bad employee or worker or whatever role you’re questioning). 
What if that was just as true?
Bad students show up (or not) and come to what they can.
They sit down with pen and paper and do The Work (or not) with resistance and complaining and heavy emphasis on noticing what you really don’t like about reality, other people, family of origin, yourself, work, money, stress…..school.
People think they’re behind all the time in regular school, or they have to “catch up” with their homework or assignments.
In Year of Inquiry sometimes people think they’re “behind”.
Behind what?
Usually when I have this thought I’m behind my own ideal version or perfected version of myself (that is entirely unreal). I have thoughts about how my mind should be.
But in this turnaround exploration, I can be the “bad” version of myself. THIS mediocre, regular-person version.
(And we of course find over and over again we can’t know what “bad” or “good” even are, not really).
Who would we be without our stories that we must be schooled, and become Good Students?
Holy smokes, what a question.
All I can say is….free.
I would be free. And unencumbered. Wild instead of domesticated. Perhaps uncertain. Full of new crazy ideas.
There would be no more “not good enough” or “good enough”. No constant measuring and evaluation, or believing that the measurements are true.
What we have going in Year of Inquiry you can bring into your own new year of inquiry, starting today.
Consider if you did not have “bad” or “good” on how you parent, what kind of a mate you are, what kind of employee you are (or manager), how well you managed life?
What if you just arrived here from another planet for the very first time, with no concepts of how there are right ways to do things here, and wrong ways?
What if you just noticed what works and what doesn’t work, and what feels loving and what feels violent?
Perhaps it is not so scary to question your stories about what is “good” and what is “bad”.
Perhaps this could offer the greatest freedom you ever imagined.
“Once I learned the scam we run on ourselves here, once I understood that people were pretending not to know who they are, it became simpler to talk….
….Everything comes and goes in its own time. You have no control. You never had any control, and you never will. You only tell the story of what you think is happening. Do you think you cause movement? You don’t. It just happens, but you tell the story of how you had something to do with it: ‘I moved my legs, I decided to walk.’ I don’t think so. If you inquire, you’ll see that that’s just a story. You know that you’re going to move because everything is happening simultaneously. You tell the story before movement, because you already are that. IT moves, and you think that you did it. Then you tell the story of how you’re going somewhere or how you’re doing something. The only thing you can play with is the story. that’s the only game in town.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re ready to join me on an open adventure in being with other minds, sharing The Work together, all of us letting go of stories of “good” and “bad”, then check out Year of Inquiry HERE.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Two spots left in fall retreat in Pennsylvania Oct 17-20, dorm style lodging in our great big beautiful amish-style vacation home. Bring your own bedding or we’ll have a cot set up for you (lodging has a small separate fee).

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The best way to question your thoughts: with other people, scheduled, sharing

When I look back on my life before The Work…it looks like black-and-white TV.

I actually hated my mind a lot of the time. Not friends.

Really.

I was extremely self-critical, irritable, depressive, and sometimes felt sorry for myself. I would isolate and try to fix my mind and think more positively or “snap” out of it.

And as many of you know, I had a tumultuous relationship with food and eating and body image and loads of therapy to end a raging eating disorder.

When I read Loving What Is in 2004, I was profoundly moved.

I thought it was a brilliant idea.

I sat down to “do” this thing called The Work, and I had to keep opening the book and saying to myself..”What do I do next? What’s the question? Wait, What? Is it absolutely true? I have no idea, that’s the problem here!…”

Quit.

Yah, I’d give up pretty fast in frustration and confusion.

But I knew there was something there, it was so amazing to me to have read all the inquirers in Loving What Is and what people had accomplished and experienced, including Byron Katie herself, through questioning their stressful thoughts.

Why are some people able to drop into The Work quickly, and create a sense of inner peace in their lives, along with success around what they highly value….and others find themselves confused, upset or resistant to their minds and the way they’re thinking?

It seems as if some people who learn about The Work of Byron Katie grab and pen and paper, and sit down with enthusiasm and joy to start writing their objections to life.

I actually heard someone say this after she read Loving What Is, she sat down and made a list of about 300 things (seriously) she objected to about life, and started at number one.

She then took each thing through the four questions, in writing on her own, and found all her turnarounds and changed her entire life.

Um, yah. But, moi? Some others of us in the human race?

Not so much.

Even though we’re pretty sure The Work works, and it sounds viable that questioning the mind chatter can lead to breakthroughs in how we observe life, and we’ve witnessed people getting it out loud as they share with us (what courage) their work on video or on retreat….

….there are persistent thoughts and stories that just don’t seem to get penetrated easily.

But I’m here to say, anyone can question their thinking, and find the freedom and inner peace that sometimes seems so elusive.

Because I’ve done it myself.

How?

Just showing up.

Yes, so simple.

But not easy. (Kinda like The Work itself, actually).

About six months after my first School for The Work (which entirely blew my mind) there I was, struggling to actually DO The Work regularly.

I’d see the thinking. I’d watch and notice it.

And then continue about my business. Grocery shopping. Cleaning the house. Applying for jobs. Worrying. Being with my kids. Making my kids dinner (badly). Trying to navigate a separation in my marriage at the time that felt horrible. Signing up for a ton of classes like dance, qigong, and other personal growth techniques.

Did I stop, sit down, and write my thoughts on paper?

Oh no, no, no. Who wants to see those thoughts on paper? Eeew.

The resistance was entering again that left me in a cloud bank of fog and an unwillingness and negativity about doing The Work itself.

Who am I to think I could be successful? To be truly peaceful within? To love and accept myself and MY MIND (that enemy of mine)?

Who was I to imagine I could find my own answers and turn towards myself with respect, care…..loving kindness?

I said things to myself like “if I was really so capable of finding peace, I would have it by now. I’ve gone to The School, I’ve written worksheets, I’ve had insights on my family of origin and traumas from the past….shouldn’t I feel good all the time, 24/7?”

(My perfectionism and expectations for who I should be were hard nuts to crack).

Thank goodness someone called me from that first 2005 school I attended, and said A) let’s partner regularly in The Work and, B) there’s an online class in The Work where students meet once a week for 2 months, let’s sign up.

At the time, 2005, I had never heard of an online class. These were telesessions.

Everyone dialed in, we did The Work.

I called my partner every Monday morning with a worksheet or a one-liner. I became more and more honest about my ridiculous, childish, aggravating, outrageously dramatic thoughts.

My partner listened. She didn’t have to coach me. This was The Work. Simply questioning the thinking, the painful story.

I started to feel clearer, better. I dared to speak out loud, to do The Work on the group calls, to stay connected with this new partner long after the class was over.

I was witnessed. Other people could share their observations, and learn about who I was and my tendencies and worries.

I didn’t have to do it alone.

Wow. What a concept.

So I suppose you could call my process of deep internal questioning that is The Work the slooooooooow turtle approach.

Except, to be honest, I didn’t DO The Work until I did it with others, until I had homework and accountability and a schedule with The Work.

Here’s a little secret: I still lean towards putting The Work off, if my mind got left to its own devices.

The ideas of the mind are “who cares about inquiry, let’s go to a movie. Life is for living, let’s plan some kind of escape travel somewhere.”

I know to say “oh you cute little mind, you. We can go to a movie in awhile, but first, let’s look at the movie playing in the head–the one causing disruption, failure, sadness, rage, procrastination”.

And we begin.

Four questions and finding turnarounds.

It really really really takes practice.

There are a lot of characters in this mind to work with, a lot of screamers and criers and agonizers and worriers.

A turnaround I’ve found is that it helps me relate to everyone, every thought ever produced.

Nothing to be ashamed of, nothing we need to hide. All characters of human consciousness are welcome here.

Year of Inquiry is a way to give the mind a gift of being questioned, as a practice. No expectation of finding total enlightenment in 3 weeks, or anything crazy like that.

We simply dive in, sanely, to the process….sharing the road to freedom together.

What I’ve found by doing The Work with a regular practice is the gap between intense drama or depression and awareness closes.

In just the right order, right timing, right process.

As I’ve done The Work, other experiences have presented themselves in my world and I’ve followed them. New books to read, different sorts of retreats, silent meditation, a deep happiness at being right where I am.

(I have never lived longer in any home than the little cottage in which I live now, where I’ve been for 14 years–always too restless before).

This Year of Inquiry starts next week. Registration closes Sept 8th at 8 pm.

During the year you’ll get to look and watch your mind, and question it.

Questioning the mind leads to a peace and freedom and success I always wanted, but had practically given up on believing it was possible for me.

I know it’s possible for you, too. 

I’m ready to share The Work with you in the most safe, clear, simple way I can. I’ve learned over the years of practicing this work, and running Year of Inquiry, that when we stick with this despite inner complaining or worrying….insight comes all on its own. You aren’t missing anything. It become clear what the sages mean when they say “you have what you need inside”.

Enroll here: Year of Inquiry

I’ll send you an email once I receive notice you’ve enrolled, and we’ll set up our introductory solo session.

Beginners and experienced all take this program. Many people who have been to Schools for The Work enroll, to stay steady with their practice.

This is meditation, and we support one another like a sangha, a group of friends learning acceptance of What Is and living our turnarounds.

“Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward. What The Work gives us is a way to change the projector-mind-rather than the projected. It’s like when there’s a piece of lint on a projector’s lens. We think there’s a flaw on the screen, and we try to change this person and that person, whomever the flaw appears on next. But it’s futile to try to change the projected images. Once we realize where the lint is, we can clear the lens itself. This is the end of suffering, and the beginning of a little joy in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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How do you react when you believe your thoughts and feelings? I ate. So let’s question our stories.

We have so many beliefs about food and eating and our bodies.

A few core beliefs are so extremely stressful and frightening, it’s hard to step into inquiry….but entirely possible.

One stressful belief that you may find deeply discouraging is: I have to figure myself out before I can stop eating. I have to sort through all my trauma before I quit eating. I have to inquire on every aspect of stress that’s appeared in my life, before I stop eating.

I am simply unable to stop–I can’t stand the discomfort of it all.

Is it true that you have to figure everything all out in your emotional life, in your mind, before you stop compulsively eating?

Who would I be without my story?

TA: I have to NOT get it all figured out before I stop eating. Interesting turnaround! Could this be just as true that I don’t have to figure my entire psyche out before I stop eating compulsively?

It’s a bumpy ride sometimes to navigate heavy emotions, or cravings…but we don’t absolutely have to eat to make the emotions or craving go away.

WHAT are you without your story?

Yes, when I was reacting to the world and feeling wounded, frightened, bored or angry….I ate.

So of course, as I did The Work on the things that produced these stressful feelings, the need to eat appeared to drop away.

If you have an interest in doing The Work on what appears in your life as stressful…check out Year of Inquiry. A wonderful small group that shares the journey of inquiry together for an entire year. www.workwithgrace.com/year-of-inquiry/

Much love,

Grace

 

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Do you act invisible, or tough? (Year of Inquiry starts next week).

I am getting so excited for Year of Inquiry I had to make a video to talk about it.

But before we go there….I wanted to share a most fascinating awareness that came to me today from speaking to a lovely inquirer who has done a lot of self-inquiry.

He said one thing he noticed in the mystery of life unfolding, with inquiry as a practice, was when he believed reality was frightening or unsuitable or troubling….

….he became either:

A) invisible, quiet, unnoticeable, or,

B) stronger than strong and very tough, rough, intense

I was touched by his awareness.

I’ve found the same two kinds of behaviors inside my own self.

Choice A as a strategy to deal with a difficult reality: Be invisible.

What does “invisible” look like? How do I react when I think “invisible” is safe?

Apparently, in many situations, this has been my strategy to deal with a frightening or difficult reality.

I lay low. I don’t speak out much. I avoid groups. I don’t raise my hand. I don’t yell. I stay at home. I’m super nice. I’m apologetic. I keep a low profile.

What about Choice B? Be tough.

I once knew someone who, when it came to physical appearance, she was very, very tough. Tattoos everywhere, body-building background, edgy mannerism and voice, sarcasm.

I’ve had the same tough energy in some situations. I’ve decided I’ll be tough, stand up firm, hold strong, maybe even refuse to communicate.

Yikes.

Both these strategies for “dealing” with life and reality appear to be fairly natural reactions to traumatic events, not getting needs met, suffering around emotions, not feeling safe to express ourselves.

What if we went back and sat with these experiences that have hurt or felt frightening….and “worked” them (asking the four questions)?

Where have you felt at odds with reality? At any point in your life?

That’s what The Work, for me, is for.

It’s for finding out where I decided life is too hard or scary. And questioning that.

As I’ve done this, I notice the strategies for dealing become neither A (invisibility) nor B (toughness) but instead….love.

Who would we be without our stories?

If you’d like to find out, you may love stepping into a whole Year of Inquiry. I love the energy, the group, the sincerity, the step-by-step way we move into The Work.

People who do Year of Inquiry and stay steady with it question their minds, hear fellow-travelers question theirs, make wonderful “work” partners, and find it is incredibly helpful in supporting us to actually DO The Work (rather than doing it in the car, and skipping to the turnarounds).

Members of Year of Inquiry also learn how to facilitate The Work well, through fairly rigorous practice of exchanging facilitations with someone else in the program every month.

Amazing to find what can happen with this kind of re-orientation towards life.

I invite you to come find out.

Much love,

Grace

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I’ll suffer when it happens, it’s going to hurt (+ Ten Barriers replay and YOI registration opens)

Have you ever had thoughts that sometime later, you’re going to suffer, hurt, be in a bad mood, feel unhappy….

….because of something about sleep going wrong?

More on that in a sec.

Before inquiry today….a huge thank you to all the people who attended Ten Barriers Online workshop this summer. If you asked about a replay, click right here to watch.

Please enjoy it and blessings on your inquiry journey. I hope it helps you if you feel discouraged or stuck. (And if it feels right, Year of Inquiry opens regular registrations today through Sept 8).

So about that sleep issue.

Three days ago, in the middle of my regular day working with clients, running errands, gathering for the Ten Webinars webinar for the last time….a thought snuck in.

I was thinking about my upcoming weekend.

It was Friday, but the very next day I’d be off to Bellingham, Washington about 1.5 hours north to see my daughter’s final theater production for the summer season (she’s studying stage management, and history, and getting extra college credit in both topics this summer).

After seeing the play in the evening, we’d head to her apartment, get her packed bags, and drive back home (1.5 hours on the freeway late at night) then sleep for 3.5 hours and wake up to alarms at 3:45 am to drive to airport and get her on a plane to Greece.

She’s never traveled alone before.

This feels like a major moment, as she’s paying for the entire trip herself. She’ll be earning credit for studying history in Athens for 3 weeks.

Wow.

But about that sleep thing.

The part where I said we’d be sleeping 3.5 hours at the most, then getting up again for more driving.

That’s the thought that entered my mind on Friday, about what it would probably feel like on Sunday.

I’ll be exhausted. Dizzy. Spacey. Crabby. Anxious.

A few hours after the thought entered my mind on Friday, a client came who said he hadn’t slept for 4 nights, experiencing huge wide-eyed anxiety in the middle of the night, feeling exhausted all day.

I suddenly remembered (with great fondness and appreciation) a lovely inquirer who joined the Year of Inquiry about 3 years ago from France who had agonizing sleep issues and really wanted to take them to The Work.

Sleep. Lack of it. We sometimes get very anxious about what it means, what will happen, what we’ll experience.

I’ll suffer.

My health is deteriorating.

I can’t join my friends for that hike in Turkey.

I’ll get fired from my job. 

I’ll get sick.

I’ll go crazy.

Time to pause and question the mind full of anticipation about what will happen in the future….And we can do this about anything, not just sleep.

In fact, we’re doing this same exercise right now in the relationships course (divorce/break-up) where we’re looking at what scares us about the future we’re expecting we’ll live as our lives unfold in a relationship transition.

What am I afraid of happening?

I’ll suffer. It will be uncomfortable. I’ll be afraid. I’ll underperform. It will hurt.

Is it true?

Yes. I have to have 7-8 hours of sleep to feel good (this is so not true for me, but the mind still thought it).

Can you absolutely know you’ll suffer and it will hurt—if you have interrupted sleep the way you’re expecting and planning?

No.

How do you react when you believe you’ll suffer or hurt….later. 

I start suffering and hurting right now.

I feel heightened worry. I have images of suffering in the future under those frightening conditions. I see previous times when sleep was less than desirable.

An image came to mind of me sitting on the closed lid of a toilet, florescent hotel bathroom light on overhead, writing frantically on a pad of paper. I was doing The Work. I didn’t want to wake my roommate.

Why was I awake? To do The Work apparently.

Who would I be without my thought that I’ll suffer, it will be hard, it will hurt…two days from now?

Laughing about how the mind loves to think it knows everything.

Sure, there’s likely scenarios. We can research, ask for help, seek understanding…but can I do this without suffering and imagining the worst? Can I treat my sleep predicament like a puzzle to solve, for fun even? Or like a ride I’m about to go on at an amusement park? Not with resentment, or fear?

Turning my thought around: when I sleep “badly” in two days, I will NOT suffer, it will not hurt. 

It might even be fun–wow! What if it was?

Well, I’m here to tell you right now….I did this very work when I was distressed briefly about it on Friday. I took the thought seriously. I didn’t say “oh who cares, I’ll be fine” and brush it off.

I sat and did this inquiry, and today when I’m sharing this with you (after the crazy sleep situation has already happened)….apparently I’ve slept 3.5 hours and rested another 1.5 with eyes closed and I feel absolutely nothing that is hard, hurting, or suffering. Despite what some would call a terrible night’s sleep.

This may not have been true, if I had not held still for 20 minutes and did this work in writing by myself the other day.

So grateful for the sweet experience of rest even in lack of sleep (apparently).

Can I know doing The Work is the thing that made this a non-issue today? No, I can’t absolutely know that.

But something inside me eased up. I found humor in sleep disruption, in preparation for it apparently happening on in the future…and then what I thought would occur in reality did not.

And now?

Time for a little afternoon nap.

 

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you have any kind of persistent “problem” in your life that causes stress….and you’d really love a regular practice of self-inquiry in The Work….I’d love to have you in Year of Inquiry. The group is always brilliant, full of learning, and such wonderful people to get to know. Love to have you join us.