Month: December 2018

Retreat means literally to fall back, pull out, give way, give ground to the “enemy” in a war zone. 

In retreats, where we gather together outside of our daily activities, we get to back off from the front lines of life, and pause.

I wasn’t so sure, for a long time, about offering a retreat specifically for eating peace, self-inquiry, and the spiritual path known as The Work. 

It seemed too daunting. 

It took me a long time to find peace with food. I couldn’t promise anything. I could never with any integrity say “guaranteed to heal your compulsions by Monday”. 
And yet, people would request this retreat. 

I noticed my own joy at attending retreats and workshops. People invited me to come facilitate about eating, thinking, feeling, questioning, body image, compulsive behavior, addiction. 

The topic is amazing and wonderful and agonizing and confusing, and worthy of profound exploration. I continue to be curious, endlessly, about peoples’ experiences with food. 

So it became a thing. 

At first, in 2010, it was a one day event. It wasn’t enough. 

It quickly became two days (a whole weekend), and then I added in Friday all day as well. For a few more years it was 3.5 days, and now…..it’s five nights and six days. We start on a Weds evening, and end on Monday morning.

The Eating Peace Retreat is the longest and most focused and guided retreat I do. It’s the one that addresses what almost killed me (my eating behaviors). 

It’s the retreat I wished for thirty years ago when I suffered so much with my thinking about food and eating and weight. I went to therapies, tried nutritionists, read about every kind of diet (couldn’t keep on them) and was even hospitalized because of my obsessive eating. 

Really, it was my obsessive thinking. 

It was my beliefs and ideas about eating, not-eating, dieting, not-dieting, addiction, cravings, compulsions and weight. Most of it was torturous and oppositional and fear-inducing. 

Who would you be without your story of “I am abstinent, I am doing it, I have control”? And when the chocolate is eaten, “I did it, I am terrible, I cannot keep promises to myself.” I, I, I. Who would you be without the violence in your mind and heart? ~ Byron Katie

Doing The Work has made all the difference in the world. 

It is the kindest, most compassionate way to sit and inquire with thought, and understand the patterns or feelings that build up and create compulsive action in the first place. 

I love spending the time to sit and look at every fear, anxiety, disappointment….every grabby pattern, every panic that says “I have to have this!” or “I have to have something else–not this!”

When we gather together on retreat, we sit in a circle and share and do The Work. We uncover our embarrassing, uncomfortable, sad, childlike, innocent thoughts and beliefs and find new ways to be life, and with reality. 

What I’ve found as I question my thoughts is a peace beyond belief. 

On retreat we rest, relax, get all the physical needs handled so we can be with the busy mind, and unravel what’s there. Using our imagination (which has been so good at the negative) we wonder what it’s like without our thoughts and rules and effort to control everything.

Together, we eat, sleep, share, question. 

What a wonderful practice. 

If you’d like to come to this year’s retreat, you’d be welcome. We have two spots left. This fee for the Eating Peace retreat is only $585. The two rooms left are $120/night (for a king sized luxurious bed) and $95/night for a queen room on the lower level. 

Geneen Roth, who does a beautiful job of inquiry and freedom from compulsive eating, charges $2300 for the same length of time. Byron Katie’s School is over $5000 for 9 days (almost ten times as expensive) and treatment for emotional eating or eating disorders are generally $2000 per day and start with a minimum of two weeks.

This time together is one of the best ways you can practice freedom from frustration, and be without binge-eating, graze-eating, worry, struggle or fear for six days. 

Retreat offers you practice to feel true relaxation in your bones, so you can take it home with you and rest in peace.

And even if you never travel to attend retreat, you can have your own “inner” retreat, starting now, with this new moment. 

Have you ever believed someone could do or say something that would make you happy, or repair a difficult situation for you?

He should calm down. She should come back. He should be kind. She should stop criticizing. They should be healthier.

And what about what happens next, after you have that wishful thought? 


You may notice that part of your reaction to this thought about someone else, as it comes wildly careening through your mind, with accompanying images and wishes…..the next common thought: 


Sheit. It’s me. 


(That’s ‘shit’ for some of us, but as a British citizen, although raised mostly in the US, I love the expression of “sheit”. Something about it is perfectly artistic and sharp, right? “Sheit. It’s me.” Not long ago in Year of Inquiry our group was laughing hysterically at our new phrase “embrace the sheit” and we imagined getting t-shirts).


After we have the glimpse of how that other person could change so I might experience a little happiness, I may do a u-turn on my demands, and think the thought….wait a minute….


….I shouldn’t want that person to change! Jeez!


If only I was more x (mature, calm, detached). If only I could stop caring. If only I were different.


There must be something wrong with ME…..


I should do The Work on myself! I’m the problem! I need to fix my thinking! That’s right!


But we’re invited over and over NOT to do The Work on ourselves, or the way our minds are working. 


What we’re invited to look at is the actual incident that caused the riot. The moment we objected to. The thing that happened we didn’t like, first. 


This can be the way someone behaves, or what they say. It can be the way things unfolded in a relationship. It can be a big unexpected change. Something involving money. Something involving food or my body.


So what to do, instead of doing The Work on myself?


Write the worksheet on the situation that prompted all this suffering. The Other Person. That thing that happened. 


BE HONEST.


There is something quite remarkable that can happen, and details that can go differently, if you let your mind download all the pain you feel about whatever is Out There, and not “you”. 


It’s all you anyway. You probably already know this. You are a smart one. You’re very aware. It’s why we quickly think “it’s me” after having a stressful thought about something or someone else.


But letting the mind express it’s fears about whatever happened Out There is so genius for identifying the places we get stuck. 


It’s raw, immature, small, original, petty, small, me-vs-universe….it’s got a basic kind of fear or anxiety or sadness or disappointment to it. 


And here’s the thing. 


When I let my mind express it’s objection to what’s Out There (separation), I’ve got some very simple core ideas about Reality right in front of me–and it becomes a conversation with the Great Mystery, or God (whatever God means to you). 


My mind thinks. It has objections. 


This mind fills a difficult moment with imagination about what was in the past, and what’s going to happen in the future. It loves to think it’s in control, or has some semblance of control. 


Can’t I direct….something? 


Please? (LOL).


Well, the way we can give the mind a little rope, is to let it express it’s desire to control and direct on a worksheet! So amazing! So cathartic! My tantrum with reality, written down. A hissy fit, in all it’s glory. 


Dear Reality, Here’s What I Don’t Like About You.


It’s specific, on a thing you don’t like. A moment in time. Not too much, just enough. 


So Step One: The Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. 


Follow the simple directions. Write your childish, ridiculous, babyish, stupid, silly, boring, awful thoughts. Write them all down. Judge the heck outta those other weirdos in the world. 


Be with the reality you want to fight. Notice it, and write. 


You can’t get away from this objection, so write it down!(Well, you can avoid it temporarily through all kinds of activities including eating, drinking, smoking, spending, obsessing–I’m an expert–and you can run, but you can’t hide). 


I find when I allow the unedited voice to write, I’ve got GOLD for mental activity to question. I’m not on the self-improvement plan or ANY improvement plan. 


I’m interested in the truth. The Truth. The place that’s possible to visit with an open, unsure, unknowing, unidentified mind. 


“Arguing feels unkind inside me. Just to notice what is, is love….It hurts to fight what is. And doesn’t it feel more honest to open your arms to it? This is the end of war.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

As I do The Work, it always feels kinder to open my arms to myself as well as anyone else, to open my arms to how I’ve behaved. I love noticing that what I am, is love. I love noticing that when I do The Work, it moves to the end of war. 


Including me objecting to me (the “it’s all me” foghorn).


I am questioning what I think. I am questioning “my” reality. 


A few years ago in Year of Inquiry, someone said in one of our fabulous group calls where we all feel like one mind doing The Work together: ‘I’ve given up doing The Work on myself. It’s too shallow and gets me nowhere. I find now, there’s so much insight in doing The Work on what’s outside me, and it’s all inside me anyway.’ 


What I know is, when I constantly tried to improve myself so I’d have a great life, it failed. 


So let’s do The Work on what we oppose about What Is. I love this inner exploration, with you. 


Bring your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to the next First Friday Open Inquiry call on January 4th. Come to retreat and study your compulsion to eat (to believe your thoughts) January 9-14. Call the Help Line. Sign up for a solo session. Get a friend to hear your JYN and facilitate you. 


Questioning your suffering thoughts can change your entire world. It has changed mine deeply for what appears to be better–but maybe it’s just my mind that’s changed and my life was always very good indeed. 

Dear Reality, Here’s What I Love About You: Everything.

Could be just as true.

Much love,
Grace

Thank you for being a part of this amazing world, so full of infinite experiences, situations, inquiries, silence, possibilities….

….and this quiet moment, now. 

I love you’re here.

Much love,Grace

Have you ever had the thought that you have zero peace when it comes to food? Never a peaceful moment with eating, or your body…..ever?

It’s probably not true, if you really think about it. First of all, there are many minutes in a day when food is in the world, and so are you, and you’re OK–you’re not thinking about food. 

Then there’s night time. You’re sleeping, even though food is in the vicinity, or somewhere close by in the house. 

This doesn’t diminish the experience of terrible stress around food when it’s there. I know it hurts. I know it’s very painful, and full of struggle. 

The thing is, we can take a look at these struggle-filled moments one situation at a time, even if you feel like a whole tsunami of stress is washing over you when it comes to eating or your weight. 

We start with one moment. 

If you’re not sure where to look….you can go back to wondering what you learned about food and eating and body image from the people around you when you were a child. 
I know that’s a big topic all on it’s own. 

But if you sit for just a few minutes and remember, and see the people who influenced you, you’ll find a person to investigate….and everything they modeled for you.
If you’re still not sure, do The Work on your mother. 

Today I share a wonderful moment discovered by someone in the Eating Peace Process Immersion program. She remembered a time sitting at the dinner table with parents and grandparents. 

She was forced to eat what was on her plate. 

This brings to light the idea that there’s a “good” way to eat, and a “bad” way to eat. A “right” way to eat, and a “wrong” way to eat. 

Eating and food becomes a religion. I myself become a good or right person if I eat like x, and I become a bad or wrong person when I eat like y.

We can find these situations of deep influence, and question them! Is what you learned absolutely true? Are you sure? Who would you be without your thought?

If you’re longing for what it’s like to eat beyond a religion about food, in a place where there’s no right or wrong and peace is the core sense (not chaos) then come join me at the Eating Peace Retreat Jan 9-14, 2019 for five nights/six days of peaceful eating, peaceful thinking. 

Much love, Grace

It’s coming. The annual Eating Peace Retreat 2019. We begin Weds evening 7 pm on January 9th and end Monday morning 11:00 am on January 14th. If you fly into Seatac, arrive by 4:30pm on Wednesday, and book your flight out Monday 1:00 pm or later.
In many ways moving about as peace is what this whole thing is all about; eating peace, thinking peace, being peace. Even lining things up in a peaceful way when moving the body from here to there to here again.

And one thing that isn’t so peaceful? And often results in eating off-balance?

Boredom.

It’s really thinking. Thinking in a way that feels repetitive, sigh-inducing, restless.
Boring thoughts come down to a basic point: I need something more than what is here. This isn’t good enough. This is pale by comparison (to some past experience). I don’t like this. I want entertainment. 

And a big key to boring thinking: I don’t want to remember the things I’m concerned about. As I mention in today’s video, I once heard “boredom” called Dissociation Lite. 
Why do we dissociate? 

Because we don’t want to look at our environment with open, clear eyes. Sometimes, we’re afraid of the darkness, the emptiness, the space, the memories. 

Maybe we think of the emptiness of unscheduled or unplanned time as haunting, lonely, or sad. 

We say it’s “boring” and we’re off to the snack cupboards.

Who would you be without this thought?

Watch here to get the feel of exploring being with reality when it’s empty….without boredom.

Much love, Grace

**********************

Last Monday, I offered my weekly facebook live at 2 pm PT on PAIN.

Physical pain.

Although emotional pain can be right up there in the very same inquiry.

It burns and aches and hurts and stabs. We have physical symptoms. Our stomachs ache, we can’t sleep.

Even if we’re not physically suffering or injured, when we feel hurt, it seems like we are.

Five years ago, in the middle of a dance on a Saturday morning, bursting with energy and joy and so happy with the music….

….I ran across the whole dance hall wooden floor, almost leaping. I felt so excited!

I found myself suddenly, spontaneously, doing a handspring roundoff.

Now, you may think at age 52 which I was at the time, that this was pretty wild and ridiculous. But for me, cartwheels and handstands were a regular thing, probably since age 11 when I became obsessed with them.

I still seemed to fall into a cartwheel on beaches, on grass lawns, in big living rooms, and in dance halls where I knew I wouldn’t kick anyone (we hope) in the face. That is, if I wasn’t wearing a dress. Although sometimes, I still did it depending on the dress.

So there I was joyfully bounding across the dance hall floor when I went into a roundoff handspring, my old regular I performed over and over and over again at age 15.

Except.

When I landed and flung both arms in the air with the Olympic Landing gesture, I was up-side-down then right-side-up and both legs were perfectly straight….

…but something ripped or pulled in my right leg and hurt like nothing I had ever felt before–not even my broken ankle (also from gymnastics vaulting, but at age 15).

Now, if you haven’t done The Work on physical pain before, you might enjoy me doing it on the facebook live show I did earlier this week (scroll down for the video). That same injury was all flared up and really burning, for ten days straight.

I had not done The Work on it once. I was bearing it, suffering through it, and deciding “against my will” (LOL) to go to the doctor. They ordered an MRI. I felt like the pain was excruciating and nothing was comfortable: not lying down, not sitting, not standing.

And that’s not entirely what I wanted to talk about today.

What I wanted to talk about today was the way emotional pain of a relationship changing format can feel the same on a psychic level.

Tortured. Feeling angry, or sorry for ourselves. Shaking a fist at God. Or that mean, evil, nasty, thoughtless, sick person who hurt you.

Stop Hurting! Now! I am the one being hurt by YOU (picture person or pain or entity that’s causing pain)! Arrrgggghhhh! Cry!

There was actually a mix-up with the doctor’s handwriting that made the MRI order take six extra days, during which my right torn hamstring/sits bone kept burning, aching, hurting so it felt like a nail was hammered half way into the bone in my leg.

I called one of the office worker people once and felt a little choking cry in the back of my throat….”I’m in so much pain” I said. Waaaah.

That was all before I did The Work.

Oh. Right.

What struck me was the very same thing happened to me when my husband said “I don’t want to be married anymore.”

It was like I was stabbed with a knife.

Images of a devastated future. Images of being lost, lonely, single forever, the abandoned and hurt one. Images of having no money, and being a poor little piteous person. Images of never being the same again, in a bad way.

I was hurt.

Is it true?

Now. Some people will think if you ask if it’s true, it means you’re cold and heartless and you have no compassion.

Of course it’s true! I was hurt! What are you nuts? If you could feel my hamstring, you’d know what I mean!

This is where people sometimes exit The Work, or criticize the method for blaming the victim, or condoning violence or abuse or whatever causes hurt, or suggesting we’re questioning the person’s troubled condition.

But that’s not what I’ve experienced as I’ve answered this question deeply, honestly, compassionately: is it absolutely true that I am hurt?

Maybe I was hurt for a moment. Maybe I went through something that is NOT fun, and scared the s*%t out of me. Maybe I felt shocked.

But am I absolutely-for-all-time hurt in a way that makes my life impossible, or forever unhappy, or ruined? Am I sure I was “hurt” by someone else intentionally (or even accidentally)? Am I sure things should go differently than reality?

No.

Same with my leg being injured and in pain. I noticed there were many things I could do, even though I was in pain (I thought).

You also might answer the question about whether it’s true that you’re in pain with a simple “yes”. No wrong answer.

Yes, it hurts. Absolutely.

Keep going.

How do you react when you believe you were hurt? You ARE hurt?

Wailing. Angry. Desperate. Depressed.

So who would you be without this thought that you are hurt?

Holy smokes. WHAT??!

I feel that injured area. I feel that broken heart. I feel the awareness I look around the room I’m in. I notice a very quiet space. Quiet sofa, quiet table, quiet wall calendar. Very peaceful.

I notice this moment without the images of what I’m anticipating will happen in the future, without imagining what it means to have this sensation I’m calling “hurt”.

I notice this moment has no hurt in it, except for a thought.

Oh. Wow.

Turning the thought around: I am not hurt. In my thoughts, I am hurt. I hurt myself with my own thinking of being hurt. That other person is hurt (could be just as true–and usually is, if they’ve been hurtful). I am healed, mended, stronger, toughened, softened.

Could this be just as true or truer, that instead of being hurt I am actually OK, even if my leg may never be the same? Even if that relationship may never be the same again?

Is there something powerful, supportive, even incredible that’s come out of that relationship that caused “hurt” that’s contributed to my life?

Maybe I could spend time noticing this, instead of only noticing what’s been lost.

What could be good about pain?

It tells us to lie down, to visit the doctor, to rest, to question our thinking.

I have no idea if The Work shifted my leg pain, but the next morning after I questioned my pain, I noticed it was significantly diminished. If I wasn’t against it, or trying to ignore it, but allowing it to be as it is, I asked what it needed me to do….and I rested and lay on my stomach while running telecalls all day.

In my divorce, when I believe I was severely hurt, as I did The Work, I asked what it was the hurt needed. I rested within, instead of being so freaked out.

I gathered with girlfriends who had also been divorced (or were going through it right at the same time). I had a beautiful divorce ceremony with my mother leading where some of the most moving words were spoken, and prayers, poetry and holy gifts were given to me. When I moved, people donated furniture, dishes, napkins.

I discovered a career since I became obsessed with wanting to know the truth and was constantly doing The Work. I had time to read, meditate, and watch videos by people interested in peace and freeing themselves from being victims of reality (when my kids were with their dad).

I took classes like qigong, and did art projects, and started playing music again. I bought different kinds of clothing at Goodwill.

With my hamstring injury, I found yoga, stretching, stillness.

Who am I without my story of being hurt?

Well it seems like I’m so much more than I once was. How strange and mysterious, and weird.

I thought I was less.

It isn’t true.

“You can get clear, so others don’t have to suffer….This is a practice….Wisdom is running the show. Effortless. If I’m walking to the gas chamber, what an amazing day. Other than what I’m thinking and believing, it’s amazing. That doesn’t make it right. But am I awake to what is ultimately right. There’s something immovable–and there’s nothing you can do about it. It’s always there. It’s yours. It’s perfect. It’s divine. It’s immovable. It hurts when you argue against it.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,
Grace
P.S. When you receive this Grace Note, I’ll be deep in the woods of Breitenbush facilitating the winter retreat. If you write to me or leave a comment, I can’t wait to read it on Monday! xo

Speaking of relationships.

Some of the most confusing or painful, I’ve noticed, have been between me and those I’ve been romantically involved with or attracted to.

The other day….sigh, alas, deep breath….I received a card from an old flame.

My mind started chattering as I opened the envelope, a little adrenaline flurry moving through the chest. 

He’ll never stop popping up every few years. What is his problem? This is so old and over with, why does he make any effort? Hasn’t he moved on, for cryin’ out loud? REALLY?!

I had just been noticing a few hours before fetching the mail, that when we do The Work, we’re always relating.

I was noticing when I identify stressful thought, I see a relationship with me and another human being, a relationship between me and a substance like food or drink or tobacco, a relationship between me and money, a relationship between me and the place I work, a relationship between me and a body or ailment, a relationship between me and a member of the family, a relationship between me….and whatever reality presents itself in the moment.

I love how the mind sees in duality or multiples. There’s a me here, and another and another, and then multiple gazillions of infinite others: fence, car, road, cement, wind chime, dog, leg, mug, laptop, glasses, earring, man, letter.

And the surprising fun of it all is the very same mind that sees all this gorgeous variety and “other” and “me” can also answer questions about any of it, instead of simply assuming what it sees is the Truth.

So back to romantic relationships. They sometimes bring pain, it seems.

He abandoned me. She hurt me. He insulted me. She confused me. He betrayed me.

Is that true, what happened in that romantic interlude (whether 1 month, or 30 years)? Is it true that person’s behavior or actions aren’t supportive?

Is it true he’s clinging, or obsessive, or trying to get on my good side again, or can’t let go (as I read the card)?

Can you absolutely know it’s true he hurt you? She hurt you?

This is a good question to sit still with for a long time.

Can you know it’s the Truth for All Time, if you had to answer to the Great Universe, that the person you have in mind….hurt you? Or shouldn’t be sending you a letter in the mail?

You might say “yes”. It’s OK. There is no wrong way to answer this question.

How do you react when you believe what’s happening, including a letter arriving in the mail box, shouldn’t be?

I react by calling up the whole story from the past in literally 2 seconds, remembering snippets of what happened, telling myself a story again of what was–and how it wasn’t good.

Unfinished business. Believed story.

I react with thinking something’s unsafe here, as I open the envelope. Curiosity, worry, memories.

So who would I be without my story? Who would I be without remembering the story of tragedy, abandonment, sadness, grief, confusion, drama?

Who would I be if I wasn’t so sure there was a “me” back then who got dogged, or disappointed?

It doesn’t mean I go into denial in this moment here now, fake pretending everything’s fine, when it isn’t.

I get to notice how quiet it is, and how cozy in my little cottage as I open a letter–which is requesting a get-together. I get to notice what’s unfinished from the past that still feels painful, and feel compassion for myself and for this Other person reaching out.

Without my story, I also notice I have no idea what the other person is thinking.

Turning the thought around: My thinking is dangerous here. My thinking and stories are popping up all over again. My thinking is old, done with. My thinking is confused. My thinking hasn’t moved on. I’m hurting myself, with my thinking. 

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Yes.

In reality, nothing much happening. Simple card received in the mail.

How could it be a good thing, that relationship went the way it did?

Suddenly, feeling appreciation for the old stories, the images from the past. A sense of acceptance…without having to know why or why not, without needing it to have gone any other way than it did.

Noticing in the moment the beauty of the room I’m in, hands that open an envelope, pictures of a man’s face in my mind (from the past). Noticing feeling laughter around the story of that romance, and to myself most of all.

Noticing reality right now is very quiet, and I’m here with this, with myself.

Can I find good reasons that relationship did the dance it did?

Oh yes. It was a most marvelous teacher, the best I could have ever imagined for learning about true, honest unconditional love and mystery. It showed me how stories rise up and fall away, and reappear and fade once again, like waves.

In this moment, the stories of that relationship feel mysterious and without answers, and like the couch I’m sitting on is my closest companion, and except for in my thinking, I’m never alone.

“If someone says ‘I’m leaving you’, she feels the excitement rising inside her, since she can see only the advantages that come from that. What could be a more fulfilling experience than to witness the gift of reality? If someone says, ‘I’m joining you’, she can see only the advantages in that. What could be a dearer experience than having you join me?…..The greatest gift you can give others is your realization that there is no self and no other.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

Here I am noticing today, so much connection and joy with all the love I’ve had the privilege to experience with various humans, and how it’s always been kinder and more exciting than my thoughts about it.

If you want to join in the teleclass about relationship divorce, separation or break-up (no matter when it happened for you) then come discover the peace and excitement. Enroll here.

Much love,