Month: December 2016

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Brain swirling money thoughts? Inquire….and the whole world belongs to you.

Are thoughts about money swirling around your brain? Time to inquire.

This week, I’ve taken time off to be with family and to go hiking in the dark misty rainy deep forests of the Pacific Northwest.

My computer stopped working one day. Giving me more time to be in silence, and to look at my thoughts about “working” and how important I think it is.

It coincidentally happens to be the time in Year of Inquiry where we look at money, during Month Five.

Money. What a topic of ups and downs, highs and lows, success and failure, fear and joy.

But that one deep belief, so simple really: I need more money….oh so tricky and persistent.

At least for me.

I’ve shared about the depths of my crash in the past. (Several Grace Notes include this powerful time that apparently happened and one of the pieces is right here).

As I put together my webinar about doing The Work on money for the Year of Inquiry peeps, I was reminded again of how powerful my thoughts have been about money….

….and needing it.

And again, one of my favorite questions about this money investigation: What would I have, if I had it?

What do I really believe money gives me? What is dangerous about Not Having it?

How fascinating, the mind comes up with answers almost instantly, without question (even though I’ve “done” the work on this before).

If you have money, here’s what you get:

  • security
  • protection
  • health care
  • comfort
  • fun
  • entertainment
  • admiration
  • belonging
  • ability to be generous
  • creativity
What this means, if you don’t have money (or not enough money, in your opinion) is that you do NOT have these things, or they are threatened.

 

How great to have this out in the open. Because then, you can question all these concepts to see if they are in fact true!

 

Are you absolutely sure that if money is not present, not “yours” that you don’t have enough security, protection, health care, comfort, fun, entertainment, admiration, belonging, ability to be generous, creativity, etc, etc?

 

You need more of those things, or to guarantee them later on, in the future.

 

Is that true?

 

Hmmm.

 

It seems like to have a happy life, I might need that list.

 

Although, as I answer the question (is it true?) I can’t be sure. I’m not even sure money brings you those things. (LOL, it doesn’t guarantee any of them).

 

I was thinking the other day I need more money (to buy a better car, to get better health care, to travel).

 

You need a better car, better health care, and to travel…..why is that, Grace?

 

Um. Because. It would be more fun, secure and easy?

 

True?

 

Right now I am sitting in a chair feeling fine health-wise. I’m in tip top shape and don’t need to see a doctor, as far as I know. I have no reason to go. I notice also, in this moment, my car works beautifully even though to some it might be called “old” (the year 2000). It is not broken, and it’s warm, light, clean and comfortable and drives me everywhere. Today I went hiking in the woods and was reminded of the Lord of The Rings adventures. It’s like that 45 minutes from my house, in the misty land of the elves.

 

It’s not TRUE that I “need” more money, or to do any of the things I think more money would bring, in order to be happy at this moment.

 

How do I react when I believe I need more money?

 

I get stressed out! I think about working harder, longer hours, doing it better. I start to think what I’ve done already to earn money isn’t good enough (obviously, otherwise I’d be done thinking I need more)! I see pictures of the future of me working when I’m very old and wrinkled and almost 100 years old. No rest, ever!

 

So who would I be without this thought I need more money? Or without the thought I need any of the things money buys? Or that these things would bring me happiness?

 

LOL.

 

Holy Moly!!

 

I would notice how happy I am right now at this moment. How cozy and warm, how I’m sitting at a laptop computer which I bought myself.

 

“Has there ever been a time in your entire life when you have not had enough money, when you have not had all of your needs met?” ~ Byron Katie asking the audience
 
I can’t remember a time when the way it turned out, I needed more money. At least not to be safe, secure, loved, healthy, cared for, or to have fun. I had all those things, with the exact amount of money I had. 
 
There was a time when I needed more money (I thought), and it came to me what to do that day, and the next, and I kept going. It would have been OK if I had no idea what to do, and I wound up living in my mother’s basement. Then I would have been warm, fed, and content THERE.
 
My suffering was in my thoughts…..not in reality, my body, my heart, other people near me, my spirit.
 
Without my thoughts about needing more money, I notice this present moment, and there is absolutely no problem.
 
Maybe you have a piece of paper with numbers on it, and writing says BILL PAST DUE. 
 
Is it the end of the world that you can’t pay? Is it a tragedy that you’re moving out of your house? Are you lying down and starving to death because you lost your job? Does no one care about you because you don’t have x, y or z? 
 
Are you completely safe and secure at all times because you do have a, b, and c? 
 
No. 
 
Turning the thoughts around about needing more money: I need more of ME. I need more of my own sane thinking. I need LESS money.
Let’s look at these turnarounds: I need more of myself, of my own sane thinking.
Yes, right in any given moment I’m thinking I need more money, I can remember it is not required for happiness, safety, enlightenment or love. “Skip the middleman” says Katie. I can almost feel giddy by looking at whatever this thing is called “me”. This attention to “I”. The inner, mysterious feeling of being alive, being only this. Of giving attention to the thing that will last forever, beyond this body.
I need more of my own thinking. Sure….especially the depths of inquiry which appears to require a type of wonderful open-minded thinking.
Rather than needing more money, I might need more kindness, trust, acceptance, sharing and joy in this moment. I can relax. I can be. I am being, already. How astonishing to notice I do not need anything more right here and now. Love, kindness, acceptance, sharing and joy appear, if I look at how the carpet warms the room, the bookshelf shines joyfully, the empty water glass waits in service.
How exquisite to not even feel interested in more money, now that I’m in deeper contact with this moment.
How incredible to wonder, if the universe is friendly, could it be supporting me to feel truth and love in this moment here, now….without needing any more money than I actually have?
Just….wow.
I need this amount of money. This is just right, for me. To learn to feel joy, outside of the story of “More Money”….what a powerful gift.
What an incredible, different, new, wonderful story….and maybe not so new. Maybe inspired in me by others who also questioned this story of money before me, and found a new exciting path of letting go.
Letting go into a infinite source of support.
What if what you truly want more of is already here in infinite supply? Not wishful thinking, not hopeful thinking, not religious thinking, not “right” thinking, not positive thinking.
Only infinite mysterious wild brightness.
Strange, I know. I notice this mind seems to *think* it loves answers and simple ideas, like “I need more money” to be true, so it knows what to do next and what to avoid and what might happen.
But it really has no idea.
(It’s OK that it has no idea, everything’s gonna be fine, don’t worry).
“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If your happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~ Tao Te Ching #44

 

The annual money class will begin again in early 2017. Stay tuned for the announcement of when it will run. If you’ve been waiting excitedly for this like me (it will be an 8 week class I teach annually, by donation) then hit reply and give me your favorite time of day and I’ll consider it, if it works with my schedule.

 

I would also love it if you shared Grace Notes with others and let them know they can sign up for free at www.workwithgrace.com.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: A shorter time to peace than you think

Learning new video recording technology–my message today starts with literally one or two seconds of darkness and a black and white screen….moving into color.

And isn’t that also what the message is all about.

Your movement to peace can take literally seconds, beginning with this moment slowing something deep within you down, no matter what your mind is thinking or what your feelings are.

When you slow movement and action down, you become more still, quiet, deliberate, relaxed…..peaceful. And what happens with your life is a little like what happens when Dorothy lands in Oz. Life becomes more colorful, less dramatic and serious.

A long, long time ago, I sat in a 12 Step Meeting and someone shared with me at the end this same message I speak of in the video today.

I never forgot it.

Much love, Grace

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Falling Into the “Have to be GOOD” Trance

Trying hard to please others? Check to see if you’re running an Identity Maintenance (Improvement) Program.

Have you ever bent over backward? Twisted yourself up into a pretzel? Over-extended yourself beyond the distant horizon? Exhausted yourself trying to please?

All in order to help someone else get comfortable, feel joyful, relax, calm down, stop suffering?

Ooooh.

There’s been a wonderful discussion and honest sharing in Year of Inquiry group for awhile about what it’s like to be giving, kind, or caring to someone….out of fear.

What does this look like or mean, exactly?

An example.

I’m reading my son’s email with information about his upcoming graduation from college in a few months. He’s surprised the family by graduation in December, rather than June. I click over to the university calendar and realize, even though it’s months away….it’s the very same weekend I’ve been set to teach a 3 day retreat out of town.

Rats.

I’m in the catalogue. People have signed up. A few are flying on airplanes to get there. I’ve planned my curriculum. Preparations have been underway.

Well, looks like I won’t be at my son’s graduation. So disappointing. My first child, my oldest.

Then, more news, about a month later.

My son’s dad has an illness and it’s progressed to the point he’s entering the hospital….He also can’t attend our son’s graduation.

Oh no!

At this additional news, I know to cancel the retreat so I can go to our son’s graduation ceremony from college.

I could question if it’s really a requirement my son have a parent at his graduation–it is not–but the retreat isn’t even that full, it’s a couple of months before the event, everyone will have enough time to re-plan alternatives.

I’ve never cancelled a retreat before (except for at the very beginning of my “career” offering The Work due to low enrollment, or more like zero enrollment).

Everyone at the retreat center is very kind and understanding. We discuss all the details. I’ll be teaching at the same conference center in the summer, so participants can be offered that one instead, or get a full refund. They’re generous and understanding. I’m relieved.

Until.

I write an email to everyone who had registered to attend.

Someone responds to my email: “We feel screwed.”

They say they’re flying from quite a distance, with non-refundable tickets. They suggest we pay for their plane tickets.

But the tone is what cuts into me–that quick rush of fear and anxiety as I read the words.

Someone is severely unhappy with me, but even worse….considers me to be “screwing” them. Ugh. Awful. I feel sick. My heart beats a little faster.

I can feel inquiry rising behind the anxious energy, sort of following it, like someone calling out in a crowd when the crowd is getting louder and louder.

“Hey! Over here! All is well, remember? Let’s take a look! Don’t jump to conclusions!”

And that voice of sanity is lost in the crowd, somewhere.

I’m forgetting the question “is it true?” It’s fading, as I focus on me-the-one-who-screws-and-disappoints-people.

I kick into gear on fixing it. I write back.

I am sooooooo sorry. I offer to come work with them privately for an evening and all day the following day for no charge. I consider paying for the tickets at what feels like a huge expense for me, so decide against it. I feel like it’s an emergency to get these disappointed people back to feeling good and hopeful.

They are grateful for the alternative private 24 hour retreat for no pay.

I sleep fitfully. I wake up thinking about what a huge hassle it will be to drive 6 hours to the retreat location, privately teach to two people for an evening and all day the next day for no income, and then drive late at night and/or early in the morning for 7.5 hours to my son’s graduation ceremony.

My husband says it’s pretty crazy.

I feel trapped. (Yes, I know–I’m the one who trapped myself).

As mentioned, it’s called twisting yourself into a pretzel to make sure those people aren’t disappointed, don’t consider you a bad person, feel happy about your kindness.

Me. Good Person Central. Right here (pointing to myself with two fingers turned at my own face). This goes on for a couple of days.

THEN I remember.

Wait. I’m in emergency management mode. Identity Management Mode. I should be the One who is GOOD. Not BAD!

Who would I be without this story, that I must be seen as a good, reliable, honest, selfless, helpful, kind, willing, generous, bending, flexible person?

Who would I be without this very painful story of needing to be “good”….in other peoples’ eyes?

But.

You mean….leave those other people with the impression I have screwed them? Not clean it up completely? Don’t they have to like me? Isn’t it horrible if they don’t?

No.

Without this very painful story in my relationships in my life (and in this one, in this situation), I would be so much more free to move where I needed to move, make honest decisions, follow the simple directions, and never worry or lose any sleep over what someone else thought of me. I wouldn’t over-give. I wouldn’t sacrifice.

I would stay in my own integrity. I would save a lot of time. I wouldn’t start promising things I didn’t mean, or weren’t really able to do, or weren’t actually interested in.

I’d be more direct, less careful.

Turning the thought around: It is not horrible if someone thinks I screwed them. It is OK if someone doesn’t like me, or considers me to be unreliable, or disappointing. Or doesn’t like something I do, or change, or give.

Could this be just as true?

Phew.

I suddenly realize I’m engaged in that Ego Maintenance Program, again. Trying so very hard to do it the “right” way. Not trusting the process. Not allowing Reality to handle this situation.

How is it just as true, or even truer, that someone thinks poorly of me?

I have no idea what’s in their better interest, or what they need. As a very wise mentor said to me, people get exactly what they need. Trust and let go.

Turning it around again: it is horrible if I think I screwed someone, or I did it wrong.

True. I just about had a heart attack because I agreed I was the one who did it badly, made a mistake, hurt someone, didn’t measure up. It didn’t work out so well for me, and ultimately not for them, either.

A final turnaround: it’s horrible if I think THEY screwed me, they did it wrong, they over-reacted.

So true. I reacted with great seriousness, I joined right in to the story of needing to help them and fix their upset, caring deeply about someone’s opinion, getting into their business, believing in their desperation.

There was no one home. Everyone in that scenario (in my head) was believing the world was disappointing, that the world is not a friendly place in that particular story.

A story in which Reality is a place where you have to do things you don’t want to do in order to keep peace. You have to go through pain and suffering in order to find solutions. You get tricked or mistaken and it’s hard. You don’t get what you really want or need, or someone else doesn’t. You can do it wrong and hurt other people.

Wow.

What a dreadful story to believe.

And all that really happened was: people expressed in writing how much they cared, how much they loved. They were honest and passionate. They were so kind as to share with me how they were feeling and to ask for what they wanted, speak what they were looking for, be REAL (unlike me, in that situation).

They were showing me what I needed to take in, deeply and simply.

“I don’t know what’s best for me or you or the world. I don’t try to impose my will on you or on anyone else. I don’t want to change you or improve you or convert you or help you or heal you. I just welcome things as they come and go. That’s true love. The best way of leading people is to let them find their own way.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

I don’t want to convert anyone into loving, appreciating or approving of me. I don’t want to help or change or improve anyone else.

Those dear people-who-didn’t-attend-the-canceled-retreat let me find the way to this gentler reality. Brilliant teachers. Honestly themselves. Showing me what I am not responsible for, and what they are equally not responsible for.

The way the story continued?

My husband made a few calls to management of the airlines, waited on hold, gave medical information about the father of my son, and arranged for full credit for the airfare with no penalty for the people.

The graduation was beautiful.

And I learned how I am not required to fret, worry, change, bend over backwards, say yes when it’s a sacrifice, twist myself, over-extend, give too much….

….to be safe from the terrible risk of being considered a bad person…..by me.

Not possible.

And if I think it is…..The Work.

Much love,

Grace

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Dingbat Extraordinaire–yep, it’s what someone called me

If you are willing to answer two questions (anonymously) about what you’d like more of, and what you’d like less of in Grace Notes in 2017, I’d LOVE to hear your stressful thoughts you’d like to see worked, learn what’s most helpful, hear what doesn’t work for you and any questions you have about The Work. Please click here to share with me what works and what doesn’t.

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*Ping!*

An email came in and it was so short I didn’t even need to open it, I could already see the full content.

Two words.

“Dingbat Extraordinaire”.

It was about me, under an 11 minute Eating Peace video I made on the stressful thought of doing something compulsive (again) and believing the thought you’ll never stop, you’ve been doing the same thing forever, you’re at a holiday party and you overeat or over-drink when you promised yourself you wouldn’t.

Such a short comment, who knows what exactly it was referring to.

But it had a little pinch in it. A disappointment. A deflation. Too bad. A “dingbat” isn’t a good thing, is it? People will see that comment and agree.

Fortunately, the phrase I heard from Katie long ago, early on in meeting her and doing The Work arose in my mind….

….”the gift of criticism”.

Criticism is a gift? What?! Because it doesn’t feel like it right in this moment when a stranger writes those words.

Maybe you have your own moment of feeling criticized.

This is an incredible place to inquire, to sink into the feeling of hurt or judgment towards you from someone else, and identify and question your beliefs.

Who would I be without the thought that what I’ve just read is “critical” and means…..WHAT?

I love discovering what I think criticism actually means.

It means I’m not liked! It means I wasn’t helpful. It means the person is disgusted, which means they have no use for me, which means I’m abandoned and alone. It means they’ll influence other people and they will ditch me.

But is this actually true that criticism means I’ll be abandoned and alone, that there’s something wrong with me, that I’m not good enough?

If someone gets upset and stops communicating with me, does it mean I’m threatened or there’s something wrong with it? If a stranger makes a statement like the one I read, does it actually mean anything about me?

Hmmm.

It SEEMS like it means something about me. They are arriving at an opinion of what they are seeing and hearing, which they think and I think is “me”. Although this little snippet of “me” is not the fullness of what I am.

I notice I like it better when someone writes a comment that suggests they’re very happy they found that video, they loved watching it, and it was helpful.

But who would I be without this story of needing to be likable, intelligent, appealing, helpful, or understood by others?

Who would I be without the thought those words mean something “bad” or that I’ll be abandoned and dismissed and all alone?

Lighter. More spacious.

In this case, laughing.

The words are pretty funny “dingbat extraordinaire”.

I’ve called myself a dingbat before, so it’s not that surprising, and I’ve completely acted like an absent minded professor and lost details and forgotten obvious things (to some). The word “dingbat” actually means (according to the dictionary) someone eccentric or stupid.

OK, hand raised. Especially the “eccentric” part. LOL. But I can deal with “stupid” too. I can find it.

Turning it entirely around: I am willing to be labeled by someone in the world, on the internet, as a dingbat extraordinaire. I look forward to it.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, for one thing, it already happened. For another, it makes me curious about what is being seen. It inspires me to improve my message. I’m aware of how many people still say they love listening, watching or reading. Maybe it weeds out those who are better served elsewhere.

I also have a flash image of seeing messages or comments on the internet about people I very deeply admire who are leaders in the world of mindfulness and healing, who are wanting to be in service of peace, like I do.

Not so long ago I read a stranger’s abrasive comment on one of my favorite teacher’s feeds in facebook, and remembered having the thought “wow, even the most respected authors and teachers sometimes have aggression appear around what they’re expressing…I wonder how he handles these kinds of comments?”

How could it be a good thing, that you hear or read those words about you?

Wow. Just being willing to allow everything to be as it is, to even celebrate or respect those words, is a completely different feeling than the immediate defensive reaction.

And I notice, without my stressful thoughts about what should or shouldn’t be, about what it means….

….”dingbat extraordinaire” is pretty funny.

“I love receiving what the world calls criticism. It’s a very, very fast way to know yourself. Just in case you don’t, the world does. To be a true seeker, open your minds. Could they be right?” ~ Byron Katie

The Gift of Criticism Byron Katie
The Gift of Criticism Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: “I need to eat more food” — is it true?

Eating Peace Evening: The Work of Byron Katie and Emotional Eating. East West Bookstore. $15 you must pre-register. January 11th 7:00-8:30 pm. Sign up here.

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The agony of not getting eating, diet or the body quite right is a huge struggle.

Doing lots of things in a compulsive way is a struggle. Spending, working, wanting a relationship, sex, the drive for perfect health, more, more, more, craving for something different, thinking.

The eat-guilt-punishment cycle is very compelling, and very, very painful.

I’ll never forget the way it was for me, even though its been years since I binge ate or forced myself to throw up, or fasted or dieted severely.

All those times I drove through city streets in the dark, entering drive-through fast-food places and ordering. Eating with one hand, driving with the other, moving on to the next place, trying to think of where I could go and what I could eat next. Desperate. Having piles of wrapper and garbage on the passenger seat of the car.

Those strange eating times are long over, but I still remember how much I suffered.

So much is happening in compulsive activity: mind, body, feelings, spirit.

I had no idea how to be conscious or wake up out of that terrible trance. Fortunately, I asked for help.

And fortunately, several of the key people I consulted knew to help me question and change my mind, make peace with my true feelings, and learn how to love instead of freak out.

I learned, that without inquiring into what I’m thinking and believing about food, eating and really everything I’m interacting with….

….I will not see why I’m moved to eat (or any less-than-helpful compulsive activity). I’ll remain blind.

If I ignore what I’m thinking and believing, and NEVER question if it’s true, I’ll feel aggressive, angry even, and like moving fast.

Speed makes it so I don’t have to stop….and feel the grief or angst. Speed makes things run together, or theoretically get dropped and left behind.

I used to eat so fast, it was as if it was the last food on earth and I was starving to death.

The thing is, whatever emotion or fear I ran away from and rushed ahead of never left me alone.

Whatever’s unfinished or unresolved will chase after you, until you hear it, look at it, be with it, see it, feel it, explore it, accept it. You won’t quit eating until you can relax, and inquire, about what is really true.

Without inquiry, or slowing down, here’s what the usual foggy, weird, confusing addition/craving cycle looks like:

  1. I feel uncomfortable with being here, in reality
  2. something isn’t safe, something is disappointing, something hurts, something’s boring
  3. I want to get away from this disturbing moment
  4. I’m against the thing that hurt me, I’m against reality for including something disturbing
  5. my mind says “I know. You enjoy eating, remember?” (Your mind might suggest a sexual encounter, a drink of alcohol, a cigarette, drugs, talking to someone you know, quitting your job, moving, buying something)
  6. pictures arise of food, various kinds of foods and where they might be found
  7. mind says “yes, that’s it….go find it, get it, experience it”
  8. body takes action, you move towards the perceived pleasure
  9. you no longer think about the disturbance
  10. maybe a thought enters “you shouldn’t eat, though…remember?!”
  11. a battle begins
  12. the energy grows even bigger, fighting to get to pleasure, to relief, to relaxation, to escape
  13. the craving wins….too big, too desirable, I want this battle over
  14. you acquire the thing (in this case, food) and you eat
  15. you feel bad
  16. you feel guilty, weak, unable to use your will to prevent eating compulsively
  17. your mind turns its attention to you and what a s*&# person you are and attacks you for doing the very thing it suggested awhile ago
  18. you need to be punished in order to come back to solid or neutral ground (you think), to pay
  19. you over-exercise, criticize yourself, clean, stress, push, renew your vow to stay away, resist, create a new “plan of attack”
  20. you hold it together, perhaps very disciplined for awhile
  21. something disturbs you in reality
  22. see #1

How do we actually interrupt this cycle?

It feels almost impossible, but it’s not.

The powerful way to interrupt this difficult cycle is to actually question what you oppose about reality when it’s threatening, hurting or boring you.

The person who rubbed you the wrong way. Your work life. Your boss. Your house. Your family of origin. Your thoughts about food itself. Your body and weight. All the events and situations you’ve ever experienced that have hurt, disturbed or annoyed you about reality, about life.

Now, if this sounds like a lot of work….is that actually true? (The first powerful question to ask using inquiry).

Isn’t overeating or being rigid about food a lot of work? All the energy, money, time and self-hatred it fills your life with….isn’t that overwhelming?

So may as well try this other approach, right?

1) Question your stressful thoughts

2) Notice love, feel pleasure, enjoy yourself more

How do you actually DO this inquiry thing?

The Work requires writing down your stressful beliefs, first. You need to see what you’re thinking, no matter how dumb, shameful or immature the thoughts are.

When it comes to food and eating, I encourage people to keep a notebook and write down their stressful stories. What frightened you, right before you thought about eating something? What bored you, right before you thought about eating something? What angered you, what troubled you, what were you thinking?

If you’ve had enough food to eat, but find yourself craving more….you can start with this simple thought:

“I need to eat more food in order to be happy.”

Now, let’s question it. These questions become a part of your life, bringing you relaxation and laughter instead of being ruled by a stressful belief. It’s so much easier to question thoughts, rather than act like they’re 100% true all day long!

First question: Is it true? Is it true you need to eat more food in order to be happy? Or to eat THAT special food, the one that causes problems when you eat it physically?

Can you absolutely know this is true you’ll be happy if you taste it and eat it?

No.

How do you react when you think the thought “I need to eat more food”?

How I used to react? I ate. I thought I couldn’t stand what was happening in my mind, in my present moment. I wanted to shift Uncomfortable Reality through eating sweet things, buttery things, things that weren’t “allowed”.

So who would you be without this thought that you need to eat more in order to be happy? Who would you be if you couldn’t have that thought enter your mind?

You might notice what you’re troubled by that isn’t food.

Maybe without the belief you need to eat more, you’re thrown back into the present moment and noticing how you’re not very fond of it, how you feel it could use some improvement, or how it feels frightening or uncomfortable.

But without the belief I need to eat in order to improve things or feel happier….

….I rest here. I might have strong feelings, but I don’t have the belief I need to eat more food to fix them.

I notice the food I’ve already eaten. I’m more aware of what my stomach and my body need, instead of “thinking” about what’s right or wrong in my head.

Without the belief I need food (or whatever else you move towards) in order to produce happiness….

….I’m free to Stop Eating.

I’m free to wait, to hold still, to enjoy this moment, to notice the disturbance I was afraid of before has actually passed, without me even trying to get rid of it.

Turning the thought around: I do not need to eat more food in order to be happy. I need to eat less food to be happy. I need to do The Work more in order to be happy. I need to take in and consume and really see my thinking in order to be happy, not eat more. I need to take in more of reality and life, instead of rejecting it, in order to be happy. I need more happiness to be happy (not more food).

I need to take in more of myself, all of myself, in order to be happy….rather than resisting what is, where I am, who I am.

This work is not easy. As Byron Katie says….that’s why it’s called “The Work”.

If you long for this freedom in your life, come to retreat to get the feel for what it’s like to live 3.5 days focusing on seeing more of who you really are. The Eating Peace Retreat in Seattle is a powerful time to sink into this work, be peaceful with food and eating, and learn what’s going on inside of you that creates eating battles, with the support of my guidance 12 hours a day (yes, even during meals).

To join the Eating Peace Retreat Jan 19-22. sign up here. Two spots left. You will leave knowing and remembering what to do with compulsive moments, and how to relate to food and eating and your own body in a peaceful way.

Much love and peace,

Grace

P.S. If you want an introduction, come to the Eating Peace eveningat East West Books on Weds Jan. 11th.

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Freedom from your ideas, nothing is impossible (stress-free Resolutions)

nothing required for the stream to be happy

A client said to me yesterday, rolling her eyes….

….”this time of year, everyone’s assessing and thinking about their goals and year-end reflections and resolutions. Ugh.”

I could tell she was irritated at some of the ideas in her mind.

Goals.

What does the word conjure in your mind?

Many of us have completely thrown away all planning, striving for goals, setting goals, dreaming of some achievement out there in the future somewhere….

….and still….

….thoughts arise with scenes of what could be, what I might walk towards (even if I’m not running anymore), what I’d prefer, a hope for that wonderful vision to become realized.

When you have a dream of where you’d like to go or what you hope to achieve, do you feel stress? Does it make you want to roll your eyes?

I remember having goals in my past.

Long ago, when I was in my later teens and throughout my twenties, if you asked me at any time, in almost any situation, any moment of day, in the company of absolutely anyone (although I might not speak it out loud)….

….what my greatest dream, hope, goal, or longing was….

….I would say “to stop being crazy with food”.

Well, OK, honestly at age 14 (when I went on my first diet) my dream was to be thin. I wanted to be skinny and svelte. THEN after several years of that, I only dreamed of stopping the war with eating.

Be thin. Never overeat. Get control of the wild appetite.

As I grew older, the vision was not so much to be skinny, but to feel relaxed with food….although I would say it always included Not Craving, not obsessing, not thinking or re-thinking what I ate or would later eat.

Then being thin and ending obsession with food faded away (with deep help from therapists, groups, and clarity with emotions and relationships and no longer trying to be skinny all the time)….

….and instead I really wanted to be happy with money.

I wanted to feel like there was enough, I was satisfied and cared for, safe and secure.

Then….I wanted a mate, a close companion, a partner in life to live with and share adventures with.

And then….yet another vision to “work” towards.

Enlightenment.

For some reason, even though it’s so human, I feel a little embarrassed to speak of these goals, visions, dreams or hopes.

They aren’t very unique.

It seems like everyone wants these things in this culture I live in.

Here is so….scary, sad, disappointing, or boring.

Over there is better. In the future.

Is that true?

Oh surely, if I had 10 million dollars I’d be excited and happy. Wealth. Perfect health. Love.

Although…can I really absolutely know I’d be happy in every way, for the rest of my life, and never worry again if I had these things?

No.

Who are you when you believe reaching that goal (you know the one) would mean you could feel happy?

Constantly pushing, reaching, grabbing, wanting, and waiting to be happy….later.

Who would I be without the belief I need to earn double my income this upcoming year? Or lose 30 pounds? Or get married? Or get divorced? Or live in a different town? Or win the Olympic Gold medal? Or resolve that relationship. Or have a mind-blowing self-realization?

Right here now, without any thought that something needs to happen later, in the future, in order for you to be happy?

I notice it doesn’t mean I don’t naturally move in the direction of a vision, or an accomplishment….

….but there’s no stress. 

It’s a weird paradoxical thing.

I don’t need anything to change right now, I don’t need this other condition this instant.

If that other state was not required for happiness (thinness, money, pain-free, health like x, partner like y, mind like z) what would THIS moment be like, right now?

Interesting. Strange. Wonderful. Amazing. Taking everything in. Noticing. Being here. No matter what the outside circumstances or condition.

How bizarre this is, to have it be OK to be the way it really is, right now.

So for example, with the endless goal I lived with for years (thinness, absence of eating battles) without the belief I needed to be thinner in order to be happy, I would have been brought to the present moment.

Sometimes the present moment required eating, sometimes it did not. Happy either way. Happy with the Way of It.

“The mark of a moderate human is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Ahhhhhh.

A way to be with all situations, even this thing called envisioning “goals”.

Turning it around: it is not necessary, that way of being or thing or condition I must have, in order to be happy. It is not necessary to be thin to be happy. It is not necessary to be rich to be happy. It is not necessary to have a relationship to be happy. It is not necessary to be self-realized to be happy.

Not having anything be necessary for happiness IS self-realization.

Oh!

Ha ha.

Much love,

Grace

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Gaming is bad, bad, bad. Especially when other people are doing it.

Thoughts about gaming? The Work!

Oh dear.

I got on a roll of planning and creative juices flowing and organizing for two upcoming biggies: Eating Peace Retreat (Jan 19-22) and Eating Peace Process (online immersion for 3 months–everyone who has already done the 3 month course, you’ll be included again as you have lifetime access, if you want to join).

I was feeling full of joy and energy, on how good this will be.

I spent some time taking notes, updating some details. I’m actually in an overview phase of my entire business and actually setting some “goals” (LOL, always a great unknown really).

Then, I emerged from my room into the kitchen-living room and saw it.

That. That. Dreadful Activity.

A computer game underway.

Ew.

What is up with that?

Such a waste of time! So boring! And he’s on his phone playing it! Why would he DO that? No wonder he gets nothing accomplished. Not a take-action person. Never going to achieve much of anything really exciting. Not a role model. Can’t amount to much. Won’t go down in history. No dreams ever getting realized.

Oh! Gosh!

I almost didn’t see you there! What was that you just said? Question my judgments about what I’m seeing, believing, and thinking? You want me to what? The Work of….what?

OH. The Work of Byron Katie!

That’s right.

LOL.

But that’s how fast and tricky the mind runs. At least my own, and I’ve heard others mention the same kind of thing.

Thoughts appear. Believing appears. Feelings appear. Unpleasant ones.

The thoughts and beliefs are sort of irritated. Not peaceful. Not gentle.

What would someone else’s electronic computer game have to do with me?

It seems my mind grabbed it for a moment, and decided it DID have something to do with me.

Is it true, though, that something about what I’m looking at (computer game being played by human I love) means something hard, wrong, difficult, off, troubling?

Am I sure it’s threatening, or depressing?

Haha. No.

Who would I be without the story he shouldn’t play that thing, or it’s better to be someone who is NOT interested in THAT?

I’d be laughing at the goofiness of the mind seeing a future of getting nothing done because of this moment. I’d be stunned by the incredible speed of the mind creating warning signs about life and the dangers of “wasting time” which I’m not even sure is possible.

It’s better not to play games. Achievement = x, y, z. Success means you spend all your time building A, working towards B, creating C.

Who or what would I be without this story? (And I notice this story is just about as repetitive, boring, dull and as wasteful as I think the game is).

I’d really look, without the thought.

I’d see the interesting colors and movements on a screen, and notice I’m only a little interested, and move past it into the kitchen to get water and make dinner.

Life living itself.

I’m not in charge. I’m not the boss.

What a crazed mind, that comes in and wants to take control in less than a flash of a vision using eyes, seeing a phone computer game cross it’s path.

Turning the flash thought around:

Such a fun use of time! So exciting for him! And he’s on his phone playing it! How incredible to be able to DO that! He gets fun, relaxation, joy and delight accomplished. Not a take-action person (what a relief, how restful). Never going to achieve much of anything really exciting (but will achieve so much that’s peaceful, quiet, simple, kind). He’s a role model showing that play is achievable. Play is available. Lovely to amount to less ego, less heaviness, less push, less drive. Won’t go down in history (thank goodness, we like a quiet life).

Dreams getting realized, right there in a chair with only a phone….unlike my mind, which seems to have needed him to be doing some other “approved” activity and being something other than he was.

Turning it around to myself:

Believing my thought in this flash of a vision–what a waste of time! So boring! Why would I DO that? No wonder I get lack-of-peace accomplished. I am not a take-action person, especially when it comes to Not Doing The Work as I walked by, until an hour later.

Never going to achieve much of anything really exciting, called joy, called deep peace, called freedom….unless I question my thoughts. I am not a role model, I’m walking by filled with judgment and criticism. This old story can’t amount to much, doesn’t help me or support me. This won’t go down in history as a new, fresh moment, a new way to see something rather than the same old-same old. My dreams never getting realized.

Wow.

All that in one split second of major judgment, never even spoken aloud.

How could it be brilliant genius that this person I love is showing me this fascinating activity he’s doing, called playing a game on his phone? (And it doesn’t mean I have to play one myself, or LOVE games from now on forever and ever).

In some ways, I don’t know. But it sure is super fun, and makes me laugh out loud, to see it can’t possibly mean anything terrible. It’s not an irritating thing I’m seeing and walking past, on my way from bedroom to kitchen.

It’s a strange, fascinating thing. I’m just here, watching the magic of reality.

I notice, without my stressful story….I ask him about what inspires him about playing, if he enjoys it, if it’s what he truly wants to be doing?

An important conversation is born. A loving, caring one.

“The pain you’re experiencing now is either remembered or anticipated, by the mind. So without remembering or anticipating, how can the pain exist? It’s a memory or a projection….and doing the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet allows you to be so in touch with the moment. As you continue to understand the beautiful mind, the creator of it all, you begin to understand the world that the mind projects….Eventually you can’t name it ‘pain’. It ceases to be true for you. You don’t know if it’s pain or pleasure.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Sending details about Eating Peace programs to the Eating Peace mailing list soon. Make sure you’re on that list if you want information about it. Two spots left now for the retreat. Everyone attending receives a follow-up individual session with me for no extra cost. Read more about it here.

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I don’t have enough time!

Have you ever had the thought there isn’t enough time?

It’s almost laughable to ask the question, I know. It seems to be a common thought. Even children say “I didn’t have enough time!” to finish their homework, clean their room, watch a favorite show, play with their best friend.

It’s a complaint, a reason to be upset.

The other day, I was working with a client who was so frustrated with going to work. Spending time at a job she felt sure she didn’t like.

The thing is, when you have this kind of thought, about absolutely anything–and there’s not enough TIME–you feel like you’re in prison, or trying to achieve something impossible.

I need to get “x” done. I need to choose what I’m doing all day long (and if someone else tells me to complete a task, I’m on THEIR time, not mine). I need to check off all the boxes on my list. I need to buy all the presents. I have to go to the gym. I must clean my house.

Oh the list!

I need MORE time!

Like it’s so scarce and limited, since we’re packing it all in, and the mind screams for more. Have you ever heard people say they wish there were more than 24 hours in a day? Kind of funny. As if that would help this dilemma.

As I sat with the client I was working with, I loved opening up to the concept of time, even more than I have in the past when questioning stressful beliefs about it.

Is it “mine”? This “time” I’m thinking I need more of?

Is it really better to be doing whatever I want, vs what someone else asks? Am I sure what I want is what’s best for me, for the world? Am I positive what they want, isn’t what I want?

Do I really need to finish this list, in order to be happy? Or skip lunch, or meditation hour?

I’ve had so many thoughts in the past, very repetitive, about “time” and what should be accomplished in it. Success, accumulation of money or savings, cleaning, transporting people (kids, myself) from here to there, learning, buying, improving, errands, gaining, achieving, changing….even getting enlightened. I need to have these things “done” and THEN I’ll be happy!!

But who would you be without any thought whatsoever that you need more time, you don’t have enough time, that time is limited, that time is the stepping stone from here (not so great) to there (much better)?

What if nothing is required, in order to be happy?

For some reason, the whole thing makes me laugh. The mind comes in with its ideas about the passage of time and the accumulation of time and almost immediately the thought there’s not enough. (I need to live LONGER…right?)

Who would I be, what would I be, without my conditions or thoughts or complaints about time?

Turning the thought around: I do not need more time. Not in this moment “now”. The whole entire future is unknown and mysterious. The past is a bunch of images and memories and replays at this point. In this NOW moment, I don’t need more as I’m simply pulsing with life, doing what I do, being here.

The client I was working with then noticed a most lovely thing, in the middle of turning her thoughts around about time:

What is this “I” that apparently thinks it needs more time?

Only the mind imagines a need for more.

The inner “I”, or “I am” has nowhere to go and nothing to do. It is itself, being alive, already. It’s just….here.

Does your very force of life need to go out and make sure you complete all your tasks today to “get ready” for whatever is coming in the future?

No.

And it doesn’t mean you won’t move towards the car with your keys in hand to head off to acquire something.

But you don’t have to be in charge. You don’t have to get it done. You don’t need it to be different in order to be happy. You’ve made friends with the universe and reality and what is (even if your mind isn’t so sure).

You are free to be simply alive, no “more” time required.

“I follow the way of it, which is always revealed in the moment. It’s God’s will, and it’s always crystal clear. When you no longer have a will of your own, there is no time and space. It all becomes a flow. You don’t decide, you flow from one happening to the next, and everything is decided for you.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy #68

Much love,

Grace

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I was hurt….or healed?

Is it true you will ALWAYS be hurt by that situation in the past? What if you could tell a healing story instead?

This month in Year of Inquiry, we’re looking at Hurt, Anger and Fear. One aspect of YOI this year that’s new, are some of the topics. Plus we always have a 90 minute Introduction ABOUT the topic, before we go into the topic, and best practices for The Work on it. With slides.

Someone said today as we’re in our second week….It’s big, this one.

She said she felt a lot of anxiety and like her nervous system is a little overstimulated.

Looking at the times we’ve been hurt in our lives seems overwhelming, sad, infuriating.

Well, it certainly produces anger, and fear. Feelings of Never Again.

Hurt brings out the urgency to relax and get away from the wild feelings of anxiety or tension.

It’s truly profound to take one situation, only one (not too many, not more than one, not EVERY situation we’ve ever known where we felt hurt)….

….and then sit comfortably and quietly and write down our thoughts that were born out of that situation, using the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

I notice, if I keep holding every situation in my mind producing “hurt” I’m going to feel pretty full of despair, sadness, hopelessness, fear, or overwhelm. I see flashing pictures of people I’ve felt hurt by, difficult situations.

But a very core, underlying belief appears for inquiry in all this. It’s so simple, I almost didn’t see it.

I was hurt.

Is that true?

Yes. It crushed me. It broke my heart. I was physically changed. My life was never the same again. It was terrible. So hurt.

Picture only ONE of those situations where you felt hurt.

Are you absolutely sure it’s true you were?

Are you positive, without any doubt whatsoever, you were hurt by this outside force–a person, incident, experience–and it was awful?

It’s OK to say “yes” if you think so.

But as I investigate this thought…..can I absolutely know I was hurt for all time, forever? Can I know I was damaged? Can I know whatever broke should NOT have broken? Can I really know absolutely that nothing important came from it?

No.

How do you react when you think “I was hurt”.

I avoid any situation that could appear to be like it again. I’m careful in relationships. I don’t share. I keep to myself. I give up. I remember the pain. I run away.

I feel like someone who was hurt.

So who would you be without this belief “I was hurt”?

My mind almost goes….Wha??

What do you mean? But I WAS! I was hurt! I can tell you the whole story of how hurt I was and the scenes and proof and incidents and terrible moments! You would agree! Other people DO agree, who have heard my stories. I won’t be silenced!

OK, this isn’t about saying you’re crazy, or being in denial, or pretending what happened didn’t actually happen when it’s vivid in your mind’s eye. It’s not about keeping quiet, either.

It’s simply noticing what it’s like in the spaces between the thought “I was hurt” and without the conclusions you make about being hurt that never end.

It’s being without the belief that “I was hurt and it for sure means (terrible, negative, awful, horrible, vile, horrifying).”

Huh.

Without the belief I was ever hurt….I’m at peace right now.

I feel completely content, relaxed and comfortable in this moment. All is extremely well, and I notice the only thing alarming–if they appear–are my negative thoughts about being hurt.

Turning the thought around: I was not hurt.

What are my examples?

Well, I’m sitting here writing about it.

You find examples you know are real for you, no matter how small. I’m physically intact. I grew up. I survived. That person never yelled at me (the situation I’m thinking of, she just disappeared).

Turning the thought around again, can you find any examples of how you hurt the other person, or you attacked…..either someone else, or yourself?

I hurt myself by repeatedly remembering it and speaking the story to lots of people and holding it as a story of endless pain and agony and fear. I hurt myself by believing it was not-get-over-able. I hurt the other person in my mind, wishing for her failure and suffering, believing she was incapable of love and honesty, thinking of her as so powerful as to ruin my life.

Long ago when I was doing The Work on this very thought, the person facilitating me said she saw another turnaround.

Oh? I thought I got all three, and found examples for them all.

Well, she said, you could turn it all the way around to the complete opposite “I was healed” in that situation. What do you think?

I was back to No Words. What?? Healed?

But.

That wasn’t a healing situation, it was a suffering, painful, difficult….

….Oh. Right.

(I was already back into proving my original thought, even though I just did The Work. Already back into bolstering up how awful and hurtful it had all been, how painful, how much I had suffered, how it was all that other person’s fault, or God’s fault).

HEALED?

Jeez.

You sure do ask a lot here. Isn’t it enough that I’m doing The Work at all?

And yet….I began to find it.

I was healed, in that situation with that person, because I lived my life onward with greater awareness. I began to stand up straighter, move forward despite my thinking. I felt the presence of life, of the earth, of this temporary organism called me and how difficult situations are temporary–they aren’t happening endlessly 24/7. I unhooked myself from depending on the physical body, or relationships, or the place I’m standing, or money, or anything in reality to be a certain way in order to feel peace.

I was offered the experience of accepting loss, and seeing beyond it.

“Don’t anticipate and don’t regret, and there will be no pain. It is memory and imagination that causes suffering….When the mind takes over, remembers and anticipates, it exaggerates, it distorts, it overlooks…..Question, observe, investigate, learn all you can about confusion, how it operates, what it does to you and others. By being clear about confusion you become clear of confusion.” ~ Nisargadatta

When you’re discouraged, or you think your situation is too big and too overwhelming to question….

….narrow it down. Inquire into only one difficult moment. Write the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Then start with one concept, only one.

Who would you be without that one thought, in that one situation?

Wait for the answers.

Having a time when you were hurt does not mean forever, does not mean revisiting, remembering, anticipating, distorting.

Could it be also true something here is OK now, that healing also happened?

Yes.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: I’ve Been Doing This For Sooooo Long (Grumble)

I know I keep mentioning the Eating Peace Retreat in January in the Pacific Northwest. There are 3 spots left, and no private onsite rooms. Commuters are welcome, though.

And here’s why I talk about it.

Because I’m not only very excited for the new content and ways to share with those who attend, giving you insight into how you can take the practice of questioning your thoughts with you, in every moment (including eating)….

….but also because I know people receive what’s possible at the retreat from the neck down.

You stop staying up in that head which is yelling at you.

The mind that says things like:

“Did you see what you ate last night? What were you thinking? You did it right in front of all those people, too….have you no shame? You should fast every year in December. Rather than stuff your face. Do you know how many times you’ve done this? Yeah….too many to count. You’re pathetic.”

Ow.

Double ow.

It’s really not that funny. It’s dreadful, vicious, and nasty.

I know what it’s like to look in the mirror and immediately think “ugh” instead of “oh hello you lovely person!”

It almost doesn’t even matter what’s in the mirror, it’s a judgment, an assessment, based on deep conditioning about what you’re supposed to think of as beautiful or ugly.

But what if you can’t do it wrong?

Especially if you think you failed lately (you’re gaining weight, you’re eating a lot during the holiday season, you’re going off your food plan, you binged yesterday).

For those of you feeling extremely discouraged during December, try this for a change.

It’s called Not Fighting.

And, I’m so thrilled about the art practice I will bring into our retreat, by living this from the neck down. And movement. And being in the presence of food and eating in a peaceful way for 3.5 whole days.

Let’s do this together.

If you want the experience of disconnecting yourself from your thinking….come to the Eating Peace Retreat in January. You won’t regret it. (The mind loves regret).

You’ll love, instead.

Sign up here.

Much love,

Grace