Sometimes the way, is in. Do nothing. Let your troubling thoughts be here. What is here, right now, if I stopped trying to change?
People have written to me lately, and individual clients I work with in person or on skype or facetime or phone, and people in Year of Inquiry, and messages on facebook….
….and they’ve said something I have also felt in my life.
For me, I’ve been working hard, but not efficiently. I love working, I love my life’s projects, but I found my mind began to be filled by “have to”. I have to do this, that, this, that. No stopping.
Burn out.
A fatigue, feeling discouraged. Maybe a sense of failure. Or a feeling of having lost.
Even devastated.
I’m not making it. Some people overeat with overwhelm. Or overspend. Over-plan. Then, unfortunately, even more failure.
It brings enormous suffering into the mind.
I remember not being able to get out of bed, with a physical sense of deep, deep low energy. I remember drinking strong coffee, trying to put something into the body to change the foggy and dreadful feeling of slow movement. I wanted to find an “up” feeling.
Being “up” is better. Right?
But what if you didn’t believe where you are right now, no matter how you feel and what you feel, is wrong….and must be changed?
What if there is nothing that could make you happy outside yourself, including an elevated mood, or a million bucks, or health, or love coming to you from another person?
Strange, I know.
Something here, in the empty, dark, tired space….
….thinks happiness must be somewhere else. Even if you’re too tired to try to find it anymore.
It isn’t here. Nope.
What if we remembered inquiry, in the middle of depression, or feeling like we’re making a mistake, or falling backwards, or failing in some way?
But if even that seems to hard, here’s what to do.
First, take a very deep breath and stop. Even if you’re lying in bed, just stop trying to figure it out.
Right now.
Then, you can wonder….what are my thoughts doing right now?
Oh, it’s churning out stories. Concepts.
Despairing ones. Sad ones. Angry ones.
Thoughts like “I am always like this” or “I’ve failed” or “I need x to be happy”.
But something else is here besides these thoughts, besides “thinking” running amok.
The mind might feel resistance, fighting, feeling oppositional to What Is.
Who would you be, though, without believing these thoughts?
Who would you be without the belief you’re doing it wrong? Without the thought you’ve lost? Without the thought you’re missing it? Without the thought you can’t find happiness?
Can you make a place in the room, in your surroundings, inside of you, for your thoughts….and also notice what else is here?
Can you let this be here, all of your thoughts and images and painful stories, and not fight against them and wish you were different and pray for your mind to stop talking?
Maybe let it run today, in this moment, like a river running through.
Then once you sit still awhile, wondering who you are without your troubled stories, you’ll notice who you are without a past, and without a future.
Do you remember playing telephone when you were a kid? It’s where everyone sits in a circle, and one person begins with a simple sentence, a one-liner, and whispers it in the ear of the next person.
No one gets to say “WHAT???” and have it repeated. You need to listen carefully the first time. Then you whisper the very same thing into the next person’s ear. The very last person in the circle says out loud what they heard.
Peels of laughter! Sometimes it’s total nonsense and hilariously different from the original sentence.
Well, the other day when doing The Work with someone, I thought fearful stories were like this game.
Only they’re passed along from one generation, to the next generation, to the next.
Here’s what you should fear. Be afraid of THIS (insert whispered story).
How do I know you should be afraid? My mom told me. My dad told me. My grandpa told her. They gave that look of fear. They painted a terrible picture.
A frightening thing happens….and then WARNING, WARNING.
Teach everyone how scary that is and how you need to be very, very careful from now on.
There are events and experiences that cause fear in many human beings. Abrupt behavior, loud sounds, events where things break into pieces or are physically altered, or emotionally hurt. Change. Loss. Surprise. Anger. Blow-Ups. Crashes. Wars.
But trying to stay in a holding pattern of Calm-And-Collected and BE CAREFUL has its drawbacks.
Because we also like relaxing. We LOVE relaxing. It’s a place I want to return to, a homeostatis, and maybe the reason I first ever began to want to do The Work and find out what moves me away from peace.
And what about when we get a wee bit bored and actually want some excitement, or what if we want to improve our performance or results in some area (like health, eating–my favorite–love, money, romance, support), or create something new, or grow, transform or participate in change, on purpose?
We like developing and growing, and we like remaining calm.
But these two things don’t always go together!
Sometimes it’s like we’ve got the foot on the brakes and the foot on the accelerator at the very same time.
I want something different, but I don’t want it to be….scary! And remember! We need to be careful!!
How do you react when you believe, as you’ve always heard from people around you, that bad unexpected frightening things can happen in this world?
What happens when you want to do something new?
I’m careful.
Very, very careful.
I walk on eggshells.
Eggshells are so easily broken….I barely step out, I don’t move, I don’t take the risk of being rejected, or setting the person off, or having that worrisome thing occur.
But who would you be without the story that you need to be careful? At all.
Gasp!
If I’m not a LITTLE bit careful, I’ll be a fool. Ridiculous. I’ll do something completely stupid. I’ll lose everything. I’ll make a terrible decision. I’ll go against what my parents told me. And their parents before them.
Are you sure? Do you have to be afraid, and careful, in order to make sure you don’t fail, lose, or get hurt? Are you sure you need to never get hurt, fail, or lose?
Are you sure you need to stay entirely peaceful every second of every hour?
Wow. I never thought of that before.
A year ago, I went to a lecture and read a book by an author and speaker I found super interesting. Unexpectedly. I wasn’t looking for anything new to attend, I had been attending a lot less for a few years, in fact. But when a program appeared with an Enroll Here button, I clicked it and just knew to sign up.
I was simply drawn to it (and it’s been a wonderful adventure and brilliant people). But not easy. A day of travel just to get to the location. And sometimes daunting and mind-opening in a way that’s not exactly….happy.
What if you turned your thought around, and the very thing you ought to be careful about, and worried for, and avoid, or resist, or feel nervous over….
….has some powerful medicine to teach you?
This can even be true about very dreadful things, like getting a disease.
No, this isn’t saying sickness, violence, sudden change are easy and you need to be happy they’re happening. That would be ridiculous and kind of mean to yourself.
But what if you did become willing to have it occur, if it did? What if you noticed what you were OK with about it happening, or if it had anything helpful to offer in the way of a teaching, or it helped you eliminate what wasn’t working in your life?
Anything. An example, no matter how small, of how that thing you feel so worried about happening that it causes you to be careful in your life, even when things are fine….An example of if it happened, you’d be OK with it.
Even look forward to it.
I know it’s weird.
But it’s an exciting approach to duality and the negative, dark, scary things of life’s unfolding ways.
How could this part of Reality work for me, rather than against me? Have I ever heard of anything coming out of a situation I’ve always found scary like this, where the outcome was amazing change, or some kind of transformation, or some small advantage?
Who would I be without my story of needing to be careful?
Maybe not participating in the game called “BE AFRAID: PASS IT ON!”
Instead, you might be afraid, and do it anyway, or inquire, or pause and breathe deeply and keep going.
Who knows what being you will look like, without living a life of being afraid of being afraid.
“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.” ~ Byron Katie
This doesn’t mean you never, ever experience one non-peaceful or violent thought.
It means when you have a violent or less than peaceful thought, you move to look at it, you don’t automatically believe it (and pass it on), you turn it around, you’re committed to understanding it, you open your hands up with wonder.
A fantastic group of people will be attending the Eating Peace Retreat January 19-22, right here at a lovely private lodge near my little cottage in Seattle. I’d love you to join us. People are traveling from every corner of the US so far, literally New York, West Virginia, California and of course up here in the Pacific Northwest. For travelers, there are still queen sized mattresses we can set up for you in the loft (no private rooms left, although someone may be willing/interested in sharing).
The most important part of the retreat….if I could say there is a MOST important….
….is being with yourself compassionately.
Like the way you are with other people.
You’ll slow down, we’ll eat together, write together, question thoughts together, have an experience of art and movement together. We’re in session daily from 9:30 am until 9:00 pm. No matter how far down the road to overweight, underweight, crazy eating or simple unhappiness about food…..you will be welcomed with open arms.
Enroll here. Space for 4 more. As mentioned in the Eating Peace Masterclass, included in this retreat registration is a one-on-one session to use any time in 2017 whether in person or online.
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Have you ever noticed how your thoughts seem to direct your behavior (including eating, obviously).
And yet, you don’t have to DO what your thoughts say.
You might get wound up full of cravings and compulsions and reaching and the agony of urges to stuff yourself with food.
It seems like that Voice that says GO GO GO is nasty, unconcerned about your peace or your freedom, busy, rude, critical of you. That Voice suggests that you….eat. It almost demands you eat, if you have a craving for food. As if there’s no other option.
But there is another option.
You actually take this other option all the time.
It’s called Not Listening To Or Doing What Your Mind Says.
It’s not the King of everything (it might think so, but it really isn’t).
Based on the Tao Te Ching, here’s a way to work with the mind that’s yelling at you to eat: tap into what is NOT your thoughts.
Who or What would it be like to not think your story of missing something was real?
Lately, I’ve noticed a recent trend of inquiry around comparison, jealousy, envy, worry about not achieving or losing out or missing the boat.
Individual clients, small groups I run, Year of Inquiry members.
Last First Friday Inquiry Jam (open to anyone and everyone–if it works for your time zone, we love having you)….
….we had two interesting and very stressful thoughts inquirers shared that were also close to this same kind of comparison suffering. They both had to do with situations with primary love partners where more attention was desired from the Significant Other.
Without the attention or love you prefer, what happens?
Disappointment, even fear.
I really want the love. I want the attention. I want the romance, curiosity, pleasure directed towards me.
The mind starts wondering WHY the person doesn’t appear interested. Maybe he doesn’t want to come be with me, or do this activity with me, because he prefer being with someone else?Maybe he doesn’t like me? Maybe he’s not interested, or bored, or finds me tiresome? Maybe he’s discovered I’m not who he thought I was?
The very same thoughts appear within, the same kinds of feelings, as in the Comparison Thinking I’ve described before.
If only I was better, more fun, more lively, a beacon of attraction. If only I was more confident, sexy, funny, intelligent, charismatic. If only I was a success.
There’s a great question to ask, to dig into discovery of where this track of thinking is born. Because really, when you’re full of self-criticism or self-defeating thoughts about yourself….this is only a reaction to another, more fundamental stressful belief.
The question to ask is this: What would I have, if I got the attention I’m seeking?
Another way to put it is….What would it give me? What would I know or think was true, if I got this attention, this connection, this sharing time, this love, this approval? What would it prevent or avoid or keep away, if I received it?
If I got the love (you know what it would look like if you got it) you’d feel…..what?
This exercise can be done with money, or attention of any kind, or support, or recognition.
When I get it, I’ll be happy (safe, secure, proud, rewarded, admired…you pick your equivalent of “happy”).
But is this true?
If my boss didn’t promote her, instead of me. If my mate looked at me with appreciation. If the publisher said we’re moving forward immediately with your book. If my body were thin, pure muscle or youthful. If I suddenly reached nirvana.
I’d be happy.
Are you sure?
Jeez. What a strange question. It seems like I’ve been seeing these stepping stones to happiness all my life.
But can I know it’s true if I had THAT….I’d be happy? Relaxed? Content? Secure?
I have no idea.
It’s very odd to realize, I don’t know if I had that, or got it, I’d no longer experience dread, or emptiness, or worry, or fear. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d encounter hardship and difficult times and experience all these feelings, just being alive, throughout my existence.
I notice WITH the thought/belief that something will bring me happiness (partner, money, recognition, fame, awakening) I’m hunting it down. I’m working on strategies to get there. I’m constantly seeking. I’m swinging between despair and hope.
Ugh.
Who would I be without this story that having “x” would bring happiness?
Now, this is a remarkable idea. A truly amazing meditation.
You mean, what if I didn’t actually need my partner to be like I want, or money to do what I prefer, or to earn some special reward or status, or to achieve a state of mind….
….to be happy right now, in this moment?
Turning it around: I do NOT need this imagined scene, or experience, or condition in order to be peaceful, relaxed, accepting, loving, safe….happy.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Any examples, no matter how small, can work here.
Following the lovely inquirer’s from the First Free Friday call, let’s look at this turnaround with respect to wanting someone’s attention, love, or connection.
So, I do NOT need this person to say “yes” or act more attracted or be any different than they are.
Can you find examples?
“What would you be without this sad, sad story? He could never know who you really are anyway; it’s not possible. I say, skip the middleman, and be happy and free from where you are right now. Once we start doing that, we become so lovable that our children [our partners] are attracted to us. They have to be. The storyteller’s mind, the projector of the story, has changed, so what you project as a world has to change. When I am clear, my children [my partner] has to love me; they have no choice. Love is all that I’m able to project, or see.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 44
Yes, I can find examples. I’m sitting in the present moment, noticing air and breathing in, I feel the ground beneath my feet as I stand, looking at the one who is apparently my partner. I feel the joy of being alive. I’m not physically suffering in any way.
You can keep going, finding examples of what is true in your situation. How is it you are happy, except for your thinking (in spite of your thinking)?
Turn the thought around again: I need my own attention, love, respect, security….for myself, for being me. My thinking needs these things from an outside source, called a mate or partner. But only my thinking (and it’s not the Great Authority, I notice).
Yes. I see the freedom, and even laughter and joy, if I don’t believe I need love from someone else in this world. If I don’t believe I need money in order to feel secure. If I don’t believe I need a thin, or healthy or perfect body in order to feel proud. If I don’t believe I need something outside of me in order to be happy (even enlightenment).
What if I were absolutely OK the way I am right now, right now, now, now. What if there was nothing I could do
“How can your husband be the problem? You’re trying to alter reality. This is confusion. I’m a lover of reality. I can always count on it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 50
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Two 2017 retreats coming up in Seattle:
1) January 19-22 is the Eating Peace Retreat, a profound inquiry experience into our bodies, what’s happening when we feel like eating for something other than physical hunger, and what the true core beliefs are around our eating (that often have nothing to do with food)….and how to change them. Everyone gets to eat in a profoundly peaceful way through guided peaceful eating. We will do art, movement and inquiry, and interrupt the patterns of compulsion, habit or fear. Repeaters and Year of Inquiry members have a special rate.
2) May 11-14, 2017. This four full-day retreat (starts 9:30 am May 11) is already filling–the earliest it’s ever filled. We will meet for four days of inquiry for people at the Advanced Beginner level or more (email me for a conversation if you’re not sure or have questions). Year of Inquiry people attend this retreat (full YOI for no extra fee). We’ll be focusing on Living Turnarounds so you leave with your own new practice of joy and transformation.
Both these retreats meet in the special Kenmore lodge in the far northeast Seattle private location. Some rooms available for overnight stay, please write to ask. First come, first served.
Yesterday, in Grace Notes here I shared an example of writing a worksheet on a moment where you’re looking at someone else….
….and feeling like they are so awesome, and you are a peon.
They are a Rock Star in your particular dream. It doesn’t mean they are an actual rock star, your R.S. might be the Queen of England, or the woman who started a plumbing company.
But this sinking feeling that they’re completely rocking the proverbial stadium….
….and you? Not so much.
Now what’s up with that?
Comparison Devil on the rampage!
And oh so helpful to tap into your inner teenager or child self that feels like a tiny insignificant potato, and allow yourself to download the thoughts on paper that feel so stressful.
Just beginning the process with sincerity, actually listening to the part of you that feels bad, is a powerful exercise in clarity.
Let’s dig into a thought that appeared on my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from yesterday: she’s better than me. (And if you missed the Grace Note I shared, it’s right on the Grace Notes tab at www.workwithgrace.com where these all show up to refer back to any time).
What does this mean, though, about me, in this particular Rock Star Over There situation?
Because there are a gazillion people better than me at many things, but I’m not stressed out about it: Chess players, presidents of big organizations, tennis players, golf pros, chefs, real estate brokers, CEOs, sailing champions, cancer researchers, farmers, builders, charity fundraisers.
All wildly beyond me in skill and practice. I don’t even know how to play chess.
But my level of stress about it?
Zero.
I notice, the Comparison Devil comes along when something about that other successful person interests me. A deep, personal interest. Something perhaps I’ve dreamed of myself. Something I’ve longed for.
Something I want.
I believe, over there, that person is successful and happy. And I myself am suddenly NOT.
I’d be happier if I was like THAT (pick your ideal image).
People do this kind of thinking all the time when it comes to body image. I’d be happy if I were thin….like him, like her. I can’t get there, though. So therefore….I’m not happy now.
In my situation where I was looking all of the sudden through Comparison Glasses, I saw her as gorgeously dressed in tasteful clothing I assumed to be expensive, and I saw her as unafraid to be on stage, a peak performer in business and motivational change, raking in tons of money for her creative work.
Yikes. (How embarrassing).
Let’s inquire.
I’d be happier if I was like THAT (in my situation, a self-made multi-millionaire).
Is it true?
DUH.
Of course it’s true!!
I know, I know. It was a very, very quick answer. It’s never occurred to me it wouldn’t provide immense happiness to be a self-made author/speaker type millionaire person.
But can I absolutely know this would bring happiness?
LOL.
No.
I’d still have me, myself and I here in my living room whether I had $6 in the bank or $6 billion. I’ve also met several very wealthy people who were not happy in the least. It SEEMS like it’d be safer, or more relaxing, or easier, or make for less work, and bring pride, joy and excitement….but I have no idea if the money would be creating the happiness, or my thinking.
OK FINE! I already know the thoughts, or their absence, create happiness, not the money.
So…no. I can’t know it’s true that if I had what she has, I’d be happy.
How do I react when I believe she’s so brilliant and I’m unaccomplished by comparison?
Sad.
Hopeless even.
I don’t want to keep hanging out in her presence. I want to get away. I want to give up. I say “screw it” about my own interests or goals. I treat myself like I’m unimportant, or worthy of abandoning.
So who would you be without this really difficult stressful story?
Without the belief if I had that over there, I’d be happier? Without thinking if I was more physically fit, taller, lankier, elegant, wealthy, poised, articulate, strong, good at negotiation, funny like that….
….I’d be happier?
Some people wish they were younger, more beautiful or handsome, joyful, adventurous, or they were married or partnered.
What if it couldn’t cross your mind that having that would make things better?
Phew. Wow.
That’s amazing to be without that belief, even for a second.
What if what YOU are is the most perfect, brilliant, genius, and beautiful way you could possibly be for your place in reality?
What if there were stunning advantages for being you, and no one else, that haven’t even occurred to you?
Turning the thought around: I would be happier….if I were me, in this moment, in this situation. This age, this income, this appearance, these old worn jeans, these converse tennis shoes, this hair, this quietness, this introversion, this heart.
I’m in the audience. It’s fun down here. I get to watch and sit in the darker place. I’m not in the spot light. I don’t have to deal with adrenaline. I have very few expenses. I’m content with staying put. I love that I’m never leaving my little cottage (as far as I know) and have lived now in the same place for ten years–and that’s the longest I’ve ever lived in one home. Ever.
I like my shoes. I like things being comfortable. I like moving along the timeline of life. I don’t want to live forever on planet earth, I want to move to the next adventure just like everyone else, when it’s time. I love the wisdom and peacefulness of getting a little older and wiser. I love approaching the highly respected position of “elder” in my community (still a few years away perhaps, but on my way).
Turning it around again: I’m happy enjoying this other person. I see them, through my eyes, as exciting, wonderful, normal, fun, human, inspirational, providing service, being real. Seeing her reminds me of what I love about human success and achievement. Incredible.
Can you think of advantages for you being you, in your position….and that other person being them, in their position….and how perfect it is in reality?
What is really, deeply important about being who and where you are in life?
I am willing to be this, who I am, shining my own light just the way it is….nothing more or less.
I look forward to being this, and seeing where this goes.
Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Reality rules. It’s the biggest Rock Star of them all.
“If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job. Then let go.” ~ Tao Te Ching #24
Yesterday, in Grace Notes here I shared an example of writing a worksheet on a moment where you’re looking at someone else….