Month: November 2012

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Top Three Stressful Thoughts?

Some of you may remember last year a Grace Notes post asking you what your top three stressful thoughts of the year were?

I’m asking again!

Over the course this past year, I would refer back to your thoughtful responses. And write about my experiences with the same exact thoughts in my life, and how to work with them and question them.

When you think about your own mind, and what it presents to you regularly…what kinds of thoughts does it come up with over and over again?

Or maybe there have been important people in your life who have REALLY BUGGED you!

In the past year I have loved facilitating people…in teleclasses, workshops and individually, on their most troubling relationships with their mothers, fathers, co-workers, bosses, children, spouses.

And also on their relationships with money, food, their bodies, time, death, pain, sickness, work, sexuality, cancer, cravings, addiction.

You know, the light stuff in life.

I don’t know if I personally could narrow it down to ONLY three. But it is really interesting to watch the mind and notice where it repeats itself, if you can catch it.

So the TOP three, for you.

Scroll down to the bottom of this Grace Note and leave a comment. Then you can see what other people might be struggling with as well.

If you’re too shy, just reply back to me, that’s OK too.

My top three struggling thoughts?

#1 It’s Not Enough (money and time especially)
#2 I made a big mistake
#3 she/he doesn’t like me OR he/she likes me too much

What are your underlying repetitive stressful thoughts?

You are not alone.

Love, Grace

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The Universe Abandoned Me

Today I woke up thinking about one of my favorite people, someone who has been a really close friend in the past.

But we don’t talk much anymore. We haven’t seen each other in a really long time. My last emails went unanswered.

Inside, I felt a little sad.

There is distance here. That person is far away. No communication. No flow.

The mind immediately begins to make suggestions for solving the problem. DISTANCE is a problem, in this situation.

Have you ever noticed that the mind can actually speak to you in third person? My thoughts were going something like this:

I think you did something wrong! Maybe you weren’t interesting enough? Maybe you failed to share honestly about something? Perhaps you hurt his feelings? That last time you were together wasn’t ideal–maybe you should have talked about it? Something happened in this friendship, that’s for sure! You think you’ve sorted this through and reached the best conclusion possible, but NO. You haven’t!

Then another member of the Mind Committee appears on the scene to offer its opinion about this person you’re thinking about! Well…he did have a lot of faults…maybe this is all for the best! Remember how much he complained? He talked too much, he drank too much, he interrupted, he was a bad listener, he was too bossy…

It’s like the mind is making a case for defense, trying to argue its way to a peaceful conclusion.

As my mind took off on its journey to analyze the heck out of the exact same relationship that it has already thought about before, I realized…OH.

I haven’t done The Work yet on that person.

When the Mind Committee gets big enough to look like the Wall Street stock market floor with people shouting, noise, arms waving, and anger, worry, fear, doubt, and sadness all present….then that’s a very clear sign that sitting down and doing The Work might have been a good idea awhile ago.

If the Mind Committee has only sent two voices to come into the room and start talking (like my experience this morning when I woke up) then it might be a good idea to notice this and do The Work NOW, before it gets louder and bigger…before the reinforcements and teams of debaters are ordered in.

So I sat down and I wrote out my judgments. What do I want from him, that would make me happy? What do I need? What should he do, what should he say, or think, or feel?

Then I take only one of these thoughts, just one of them. I don’t have to question everything, I don’t have to get this whole thing wrapped up in one fell swoop. Time is not important here.

This is starting with only ONE stressful thought. It doesn’t have to be the “best” thought to question. It’s identifying an idea I have that I feel is serious, sad, painful.

He abandoned me.

Yes! That is sooooo true! He ditched me, he doesn’t have the staying power of a real friend, he’s shallow, superficial, he’s not cut out for real depth of honesty, he is flawed, good riddance!

Can I absolutely KNOW that it is TRUE that he abandoned me? Really? Can I know that Abandonment is what is going on here? And that he is doing it, 100%?

Well. Um. Not really. No. Now that I think about it, it isn’t true at all.

How do I react when I wake up with a memory of him and I have regrets, doubts, concern…when I am believing that he abandoned me?

SAD SAD SAD.

Who would I be without the thought that he abandoned me? If I really couldn’t even have this belief? If it didn’t occur to me? Who would I be if I came from another world and got dropped into this situation without the thought that ABANDONMENT is going on here?

I notice that I think about him and feel happiness. How much I loved our conversations. How much laughing, crying, intimacy has happened. Gratitude for him, whether he is here at the moment or not. Appreciation for him….whether he responds to my emails or not. Smiling, without the thought.

The turnaround to the thought, the exact opposite, is “he did NOT abandon me.”

How is this just as true, or truer? Can I find real, genuine examples of ways he did not abandon me, even though there is distance, apparently, between us? Even though we haven’t talked in a long time?

Well, first of all…ahem…he is busy living his own life, and its not all about me. He has a huge project he’s working on. He’s traveling. He’s in an important primary relationship in his life that he’s trying to sort out. He’s taking care of himself.

I don’t have to know all about it. I don’t have to know the details. I mean….really. Would I want to say “stop doing all those things and take time out to contact ME! You need to show ME that you care. Where are you? Get over HERE! You need to come towards ME. ME ME ME.”

Sigh. This Work is NOT about raking yourself over the coals, listing your faults and concluding that you yourself are the culprit. THAT kind of turning-it-around is not compassionate or loving.

Seriousness is a clue that you are attacking yourself in some way, if you turn something around and it feels painful at first.

So I notice it is kinda funny, this whole all-eyes-on-me thing that happens eternally, with the little unquestioned mind. Everything is about me. He isn’t living his life, making his own choices and decisions, out there in the world. Nooooo, he abandoned me!

And ultimately, there is the turnaround to myself that I look at through this process of The Work: “I abandoned myself”.

How is THAT true, right in the middle of this friendship? Right in the middle of this memory of that person, as I woke up this morning?

I abandoned myself as quickly as you can say Jack Robinson. The minute I thought of that dear person, I related him to ME and instead of feeling loving, sweet, affectionate, grateful, and full of joy…I felt slighted, attacked, dismissed, judged, uncared for, confused and abandoned.

In the present moment, with the memory of that person, I was sad.

I must confess….this thought of abandonment has been one I have had before. No! Really? OMG! (joke).

I notice that another example of how I abandon myself is that I have believed the Universe itself….love, security, happiness, care, joy….all of this has abandoned me at times.

I have believed that the Universe/God/Source is not friendly but instead totally uncaring, in a bad way. Those difficult things happened that were scary, terrible, threatening.

I remember now, in this morning’s Work, that this thought I have had, about this friend, is something I have thought before about all THIS. The world. Life. Oh yeah, that’s right. I’m doing my Abandonment Thinking thing.

“It takes a lot of courage to go inside yourself and find genuine answers to the four questions of The Work. When you do, you lose all your stories about the world–you lose the whole world as you understood it to be….You open your arms to reality. Just show me a problem that doesn’t come from believing an untrue thought.”~ Byron Katie

Could it be true, or truer, that there is no abandonment going on, ever…except in my own mind? Could it be true that this mysterious World is never abandoning me?

Because as it turns out, I’m sitting here, breathing, alive, typing, drinking tea, seeing rain come down outside the window.

I mean, there is stuff EVERYWHERE. Objects, colors, sensation, light, heart beating, furniture, heat, windows, aliveness, a bird squalking somewhere, rain tapping on the roof, image of my friend, peace…joy.

“Failure is an opportunity. If you blame someone else, there is no end to the blame. Therefore the Master fulfills her own obligations and corrects her own mistakes. She does what she needs to do and demands nothing of others.”~Tao Te Ching #79

I demand nothing of others? That means I don’t demand they “not abandon” me. I don’t assume they have.

Suddenly, it’s a very friendly universe.

Love, Grace

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Expose Yourself For Love

I registered for The Cleanse today, the annual event in Los Angeles conducted by Byron Katie where she does The Work with people from morning til evening for 3-1/2 days, an incredible celebration for the New Year.

As I was clicking on plane ticket reservations and sorting through my calendar, I thought about the joy of being a part of the crowd, the people interested in exploring their thoughts and imagining their world without stressful beliefs.

I imagine just sitting near the front, listening, not taking notes, hearing whomever comes forward with such courage. Nothing to do but listen and Be.

Then I imagined jumping up in the chair and doing the Work with Katie and I had a huge jolt of adrenaline course through me. This was just from imagining. When all I do is raise my hand in a big audience, I usually feel tingly and nervous and my arm pits start sweating!

The people who get up on stage with Katie and sit there doing their intimate work seem so brave! Not only are they doing it in front of 300-500 people, but they usually agree to be filmed and recorded.

Many other human beings are assisted in the future by the people who are so willing to do The Work with Byron Katie…in public!

I remember realizing that my own personal spiritual journey happens in an atmosphere of willingness to let something be exposed. If I try to hide, it just works up so much more energy around whatever it is I think I need to keep hiding.

Sneaking, lying, withdrawing, ducking, keeping a low-profile, deflecting…you can feel it when it’s a lot of work. When it’s there to protect some inner part of the self, to make sure no one sees it so no one can criticize or reject us.

Long ago when I was in a therapy group and I was only in my twenties, when I had been in the group for at least 3 months, one of the co-therapists said “Grace, I need to talk with you in the group here.”

Uh oh. Scared. There’s that adrenaline.

“You never speak. When you don’t speak, it holds a certain power. No one can get close to you, and you keep us out. You are maintaining power with your silence”.

Gulp.

Eckhart Tolle writes that the ego believes that there has been a shrinking of the Self when it is blamed or criticized. It will immediately attempt to repair this damaged sense of self through justification, blaming back, or telling a big story that is defensive or shows it was victimized.

But notice how he calls the ego “it” all the time. Like it isn’t actually who we are. At all.

Adyashanti says “leave everything the way it is.”

So imagine that you are at a big event, and there is an offer of an open chair where you can come and get help (with hundreds of people watching) and you know you want that help. You have a spark inside you that says “yes”.

And you don’t stop yourself, or wait, or hesitate, or shut yourself down. You go for it, with love. You feel excitement, you may feel terror, but you feel love and willingness bigger than the fear.

Something inside you stops needing to do damage control, or keep yourself whole, or intact. Something is willing to break open and spill the dark stuff out into the atmosphere, with everyone around hearing it. Willing to risk it.

“You may then come to an amazing realization: When you are seemingly diminished in some way and remain in absolute non-reaction, not just externally but also internally, you realize that nothing real has been diminished, that through becoming “less” you become more.”~Eckhart Tolle

People come to personal growth workshops or therapy groups often because they are so real, honest, authentic, genuine and alive. They are an amazing study of the the capacity of humans to be themselves and through this, simply transform.

The “it” that wants to keep safe is not really all of you. It is just a resistance device that wants to keep the fortress strong.

Back in that therapy group, that encouragement by that wonderful therapist was one of the biggest gifts I could have ever received.

Today, you may know that there is something inside you that makes you really nervous to bring out, but it might be important to expose it. You’ve been ruminating on it.

You may feel scared, but you know you need help.

There is nothing to lose, really. All is well, it is just that little “it” that is afraid most of the time (the ego) that does not want to change, and is not comfortable with questions or uncertainty.

Expressing the inner “demons” may not be as bad as we think. It may not be bad at all. Go for it today, and see what happens.

“For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted.”~ Jesus of Nazareth

Love, Grace

*This workshop is FULL* Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm. Stay tuned for a future one-day event again in March 2013!

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register write grace@workwithgrace.com now.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter. 

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He Is Dead–Are You Sure?

Recently I found out one of my favorite spiritual teacher guys, the brilliant Dr. David R. Hawkins, died about six weeks ago. He was very old. He lived a very long human life.

Last year I said to myself  “he is really very old…I ought to go to Arizona and have a day retreat with him when he offers one. It could be the last one soon”.

That was true.

The interesting thing that happens when someone wonderful dies and you don’t know them very well, not really, is that some of the stressful thoughts that rise up around death are softer, quieter, sort of slower.

Not the agony experienced, the grief, when someone really close and important dies.

When I learned of the not-so-surprising news of this teacher who made a difference for me and who was quite fascinating, it was like there was sediment on the bottom of a clear lake and it got stirred up a little.

Too late now, I missed out, I need to re-read his books, I need to ‘get’ his teachings better, I wonder what it will be like to be 85 and lived all those years, I should have gone to Sedona (never been), I wonder if his family misses him…like a sadness, a little ache in my heart, my throat. Something missed, something gone now.

When I first encountered the Work, one of the first people I ever talked with about it was one of my sisters. She had gone to the School. She said that while there, not only did she ponder the death of our father fairly young from leukemia, in a way she never had, but also there were others who brought death to the conversation.

Death. One of the things that confounds us the most in this world. What is going to happen? What does it mean? Is it true?

What an amazing question, to ask if it’s really true that the person you know has died? I mean 100% end-of-story died!?

When I ask “is it true, that my father died?” then I realize I don’t know. I have no idea what’s going on, in fact.

He was in a body. He was born a baby, grew up, became an adult, got married, had four daughters…and that same body which changed and had an impact and offered and created and lived, stopped doing it in the same way.

But the body was still made of matter, and that material carried on in many various ways into little molecules and atoms and moved on into other formations.

One big mystery. That entity that was my father is now morphed into something undefinable but not actually entirely DEAD. As in non-existent.

And then there are all the memories of my father as well. Those images are big, sweet, sad, stormy, loving, kind, vivid. I remember him so well that I could have a conversation with him. I could actually sit in a chair opposite him in my mind and have a talk, ask him a question and probably have an answer.

That doesn’t seem entirely “dead” to me.

In fact there are so many images and memories and feelings that something is alive. Very alive.

Who would I be without the thought that my father, or anyone, should still be alive in that body they were inhabiting? Who would I be without the thought that it’s very sad that he is gone?

Who would I be without the thought that he is dead?

I’d see the people who look like my father when I do a double-take and stare…I would see them on the street, driving cars, taking walks, chatting with their friends in coffee shops…and I would smile with joy in this sensation that my father is present.

I would say “hi dad”.

I would remember him, re-member, like putting him back together so instantly, I don’t even have to try. He is just there, alive in my mind.

Instead of moving with unbelievable speed to the sadness or the missing him or the idea of what could have been if he had lived longer in that particular formation…. I could turn to myself right here, in the present.

I could notice, just like everyone can, that this moment of remembering him is filled with love.

“The old song asks, ‘Why do fools fall in love?’ Actually, only fools DON’T fall in love. Only a fool would believe the lonely, stressful thoughts that tell him that anything could separate him from another human being, or from the rest of the human race, or from birds trees, pavement, and sky.” ~ Byron Katie, in I Need Your Love, Is It True

Love, Grace

*This workshop is FULL* Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm. Stay tuned for a future one-day event again in March 2013!

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register write grace@workwithgrace.com now.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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I’ve Done Enough Work On Her Already!

When people start becoming interested in questioning their thinking they often come to see me, or enroll in a teleclass, and say “I don’t really know what I’m thinking but I feel bad” or “I have so many judgmental thoughts, I don’t know where to begin!”

“I could do The Work for hours, I have so many thoughts…..I’ll need to do The Work DAILY…for 100 years!”

“I feel terrible, I experience stress all the time, I can hardly get relief!”

Have you ever noticed, though, how if you hit a core, underlying way of seeing someone in your world who looks troubling, and you shift some small part of it, bring some light to it, connect with another person about it, understand it differently…then other people in your world also start looking better?

Who has brought enormous judgments up in your life? Who has represented a source of stress, anxiety, anger, or fear? If they had only been different….you wouldn’t have had such a hard time. You would be in a different place now.

That person is the one to do The Work on.

Some people will exclaim “BUT! I’ve done so much therapy work on my father! My mother! My sibling! My spouse!” They don’t want to go there again, or focus even more on these key people in their lives.

Byron Katie oftens says that The Work is not therapy. It is a modality of self-inquiry, a simple but profound process of looking at how YOU are actually looking at people.

Those difficult people may have done very harmful things, said very painful things, acted in ways that were extremely damaging, it appears. Everyone may agree with you when they hear your story of how these people behaved and how hard it was.

It is often incredibly powerful to share your perspective, to see what this story is that you are telling to others, and to yourself.

But the most powerful thing is to actually feel an internal change about how YOU experience that person. Without them changing at all.

Can I be happy with them, as they are, without condemning them or defending against them? Can I stop with the internal war?

Can I remember that person, can I be in their presence, can I allow them to be the way they are, doing what they do, and stay connected to my own happiness and joy?

For me, that is the true sign that all is well with me. I see that person, place, situation, memory, event….and I discover that it is still a friendly universe, with them in it. I feel love, I feel surrender, trust, openness, peace.

Doing The Work cuts through the details to the very core underlying beliefs I have about THAT DIFFICULT PERSON and moves me into a broader, more expanded vision of what I see, how I see.

Then the rest of the world starts looking better, amazingly. The rest of the world starts looking like it does when you fall in love and every moment is exciting, full of wonder, anticipation, and joy.

Only you aren’t believing this feeling comes from outside of you, from another human being. It’s coming from inside of you and the way you see.

When I go all the way back to the most troubling person (or people) in my world, and I question what I’m thinking about them, what I believe I learned from them, how I think they affected me and hurt me….

The most amazing thing happens. Freedom.

If we felt good already, if we felt happy, joyful, awake and free…we wouldn’t be drawn to do The Work in the first place.

Who in your life, when you think of them, brings up sadness in you, or anger, or nervousness, worry, disappointment?

Go there. Look again. Write down your judgments of that person. Keep them simple. Be thorough. Be petty, mean, obnoxious. Do not edit yourself. Be non-politically correct, rude, controlling, bitchy, needy, desperate, embarrassing.

These thoughts can now be the gold of your awakening. Really.

Don’t sigh and think “I already did this, I already have looked…” It is OK to look again since the judgments still exist. Since they are there, they are waiting and available to be seen, with new eyes.

This may be the last time you ever see this way again, if you dive into self-inquiry in a truly honest way by answering the Four Questions. Milk it for all its worth.

“The apparent craziness of the world, like everything else, is a gift that we can use to set our minds free. Any stressful thought that you have about the planet, for example, shows you where you are stuck, where your energy is being exhausted in not fully meeting life as it is, without conditions…Until you can love what is—everything, including the apparent violence and craziness—you’re separate from the world, and you’ll see it as dangerous and frightening. I invite everyone to put these fearful thoughts on paper, question them, and set themselves free.”~Byron Katie

If you’d like help with this process and to start from right where you are…there is one space left in the Seattle One Day workshop next Saturday. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re the one. If your only reason not to come is financial, please ask about scholarship help.

So Good To See The Value of The Work
I wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your class.  It was so good to learn Inquiry on a deeper level and to see the value, first hand, of doing The Work with others (as opposed to doing it solo.)  Thank  you so much for making it possible for me and for being such a clear, living example of “being the Work”.~ Becky, Class participant

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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You Made Me Feel This Way

He is making me so furious! She is making me feel so disappointed! Soooo frustrated!

Must get away from that person! If only they would change! How could they possibly….I mean…. fer gawd sakes what are they thinking!?! DANG IT!

How many times in your life have you had this kind of feeling course through your veins? Or been saying these kinds of words out loud!

You may even KNOW that you are shooting thoughts at that person like bombs, and you know you can’t do anything about their behavior…and yet still the gut reaction is THEY SHOULD BE DIFFERENT.

Then, I would be happier. And by the way, it would be easier if THEY changed. Because…I have no idea how to stop reacting.

Yup. THEY are MAKING me CRAZY.

As humans throughout history have studied psychology, spirituality and relationships …all angles of examining humanity and our behaviors and experiences… there is a common set of ideas all the greatest writers and philosophers seem to grapple with:

If I am here with you, how am I actually influenced by you? What does my family, my childhood, my city, my country, my environment have to do with this thing that is ME?

Then where do you stop and I begin and how do I operate, separately from your responses?

This is like the whole soup of it all, the organism, the hive, how we interact, how we are affected by others.

Who are you, and who am I, and what is going on here when we communicate?

This is a big humongous question.

Dependency or Independency. How are we dependent on each other? What do we rely on from others? How do I get what I need and want here?

If someone else threatens my happiness (or appears to) or seems to not be giving me what I believe I need and want…then what do I say, think, or feel?

Unfortunately, all the reacting, physically and emotionally, can start to feel incredibly dependent…almost out-of-control dependent. Like someone can do something any minute that is my particular trigger and I’ll have a heart attack about it. No steady peace.

For example, once I was on a date quite a few years ago, after divorce.

We went to a very exquisite and fancy restaurant with an amazing view. The man I was with received a phone call mid-meal and left to take it outside.

I waited and looked around at the place. After twenty minutes, I did The Work. Did he leave? What’s going on? I have to know. I am trapped. There’s nothing else I can do. I stood up to go and a waiter stopped me and I realized the establishment felt worried about our table being completely abandoned with no bill paid.

I returned to the table. I knew I was not trapped, I knew this moment could be exciting! I had just questioned my stressful thinking in this “waiting” moment.

A great writer and therapist for couples in the past several decades (his books were introduced to me in graduate school) David Schnarch talks about the most fun, exciting and healthy dynamics between humans is the road to differentiation.

Carl Jung talks about something very similar and calls it “individuation”.

As you become more individual and unique, you discover your own path in life, you don’t lose yourself. In Schnarch’s words, you “hold on to yourself” in the middle of any relationship.

Independence….the sense that I love following my own authority, me knowing what I want and need and then going to get it, being self-reliant, being OK where I am and psyched that I’m continuing along an expansive path somehow.

Then Boom. Something BAD is happening around here. It looks chaotic, or scary, or weird, or like I’m being abandoned, or like I’m sitting in a restaurant all alone WAITING. And it’s someone else’s fault.

I suddenly realized…although I had been watching them for almost 30 minutes, that there was a large table of 8 people right near me, with two empty chairs because two people had left temporarily. (I had lots of time to hear their conversations so I knew the two people were returning at some point).

Uncharacteristically, I got up and went over to their table and said “May I join you?”

The whole table was delighted and welcomed me in. They were the family of the restaurant owners. The two people away from the table were getting a tour of the grounds. This restaurant had been here for 100 years.

It was so much fun, I hardly noticed when my date returned from his one-hour business phone call. In fact, I didn’t want him to come back yet.

No one “made” me feel bad in that waiting moment….except me. Until I questioned my thinking and it opened up a world of options that I couldn’t see before.

WOW. If we don’t think that someone’s behavior, or any situation, is MAKING us feel bad and there’s no way out….

What else could be possible?

If you really, really are not stuck….if you really are not 100% trapped….what could happen today?

Love, Grace

P.S. Only ONE spot left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

 

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

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No More Leaving

Have you ever wondered why you like someone?

There are often qualities we are conditioned to understand, enjoy, “get”, or relate to easily and well. When someone comes along with just the right amount of the formula that we can relate to, we like them. It may even feel so familiar, like you’ve come home, that you think “OMG! You’re the one I’ve been waiting for! This is FANTASTIC!”

And it’s REALLY REALLY fascinating and wonderful to ask yourself; why? Why this person? Why now? Why am I so drawn? Why do I like them sooooooo much?

What is going on here?

Anthony De Mello writes in his sweet book Awareness “If you’re attached to appreciation and praise, you’re going to view people in terms of their threat to your attachment or their fostering of your attachment.”

I remember realizing that with some people, the actual reason I liked them, as Tony De Mello also discovered, is that they do the behavior or say the words that show they are enjoying themselves in my company, they are feeling good, I am feeling good. We are appreciating each other.

I like them because they like me. They like me because I like them. It’s like we recognize each other as people who can give and receive appreciation, love, approval, praise in a way that is comfortable, familiar.

It’s like there’s a measurement device faster than the speed of thought that is a very sensitive sensor, looking at all these energies or personality traits and behaviors. All of it getting measured against the comfort zone. My comfort zone.

It’s like getting into a mode where we’re tasting the personalities of porridge, like Goldilocks, and we know immediately when it’s JUST RIGHT.

Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with the beauty of connecting, making intimate contact with someone (or many), being real, honest, joyful….being around someone who inspires you!

But this attachment sensor is powerful. It’s even become a theory in the psychological field, that people are driven by their conditioning around attachment and connection.

So what happens when you really like someone, you’ve had a wonderful feeling with them, deep intimate connection….and then they drift away, or tell you it’s not working for them? They say NO. They’re too busy, they don’t have the time, their life circumstance changed and they aren’t available anymore. They don’t return your calls.

Rats.

You may get to find out what you’ve been attached to.

They don’t like me after all, I did something wrong, I offended them. What did I say, do or think that distressed them? I have to figure it out. I am not important, I am not lovable, I am not worth it to them, I am dismiss-able, I am worthy of being ignored. This is terrible, this is a problem. Agony, worry, fear, hand-wringing, busy mind.

The scale of this pain can be at a level of 100, like when your life partner of 20 years leaves….or it can be a 10 like when a co-worker you used to have a coffee break with every day says they don’t have time for that anymore.

“The truth is everything will be OK as soon as you are OK with everything. And that’s the only time everything will be OK.”~ Michael Singer

I start with the most simple of core stressful thoughts in this situation, where I am here with myself, and that person I have so enjoyed seems to be gone.

I need to talk with them, I need to be with them NOW….Is that true? Am I OK right here in this moment, without their presence? Can I connect with others, if I want to talk or listen?

This one human being out of billions on the planet is the ONLY ONE that will resolve this feeling of detachment. Like a baby whose mother dies. Only that human being, that baby’s mother returning, will bring genuine happiness back.

IS THAT ABSOLUTELY TRUE?

Could it be that if someone is gone, if they break up with me, if they move away, perhaps even if they die, that I can still be happy? Could I get what I need and want from someone else?

“How do we love ourselves? One way is by not seeking approval outside ourselves–that’s my experience. By not seeking approval outside myself, I come to see that I already have it. I don’t want approval; I want people to think the way they think. If I seek your approval, it’s not comfortable.”~Byron Katie

I notice that when I question my thoughts about that person and their level of contact with me (or lack of it) that I have no idea really what it means. I can’t know at all it means they don’t like me, care about me, or that I am worthy of being left.

And there are so so many other human beings in the universe…and more places in this world than anyone could ever explore. So many possibilities!

There is intimacy right here in this moment. Appreciation for this present moment.

I once saw a motivational speaker called Bob Proctor on film talking about how much he enjoyed his own company. He was so enthusiastic. So full of playful happiness! He exclaimed “I just LOVE myself! I am so much fun to be around!” and then he kissed his own hand with such childlike joy, it made me laugh out loud.

That is what it is like without the thought that I need that person to come back, to say they like me, to say I didn’t do anything wrong, to comfort me, to call me.

Without the thoughts that anyone should be nearer than they are, without feeling attached or detached or concerned or anxious or fearful…I appreciate myself. I find what is lovely, precious and comforting, right here, right now.

At some point

Your relationship With God

Will become like this:

Next time you meet Him in the forest

Or on a crowded street

There won’t be anymore “Leaving”.

That is,

God will climb into Your pocket.

You will simply just take
Yourself

Along!

~Hafiz

You are beautiful.

Love, Grace

P.S. Only a few spots left to do The Work for a day in Seattle. Come join us in this amazing process of identifying your painful thinking, and questioning it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com to reserve your spot.

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

Posted on

When You Can’t Stand Losing

Winning and Losing. People get soooo excited about these things. You may have noticed.

They scream and yell, paint their faces, don unusual clothing, carry weapons, train their bodies for hours, weeks, and years, lie, hide, cheat, defend, gather, get, hoard, sell, buy, strut, disappear….all in the effort to meet their future goal: winning or losing.

It seems like people usually like to “win”. But the very definition of the word, and its origin in English, means to toil, struggle, strive or fight. To succeed by struggling. There has to be a contest! There has to be some kind of opponent!

Otherwise….yawn.

Then there is losing. No one wants to be the loser on first glance.

Given a second look, sometimes there are big advantages. In the dictionary, lose means to perish or separate, cut apart, divide, untie, to part with accidentally or without meaning or trying to.

When we say we lost or we won something, the feeling that follows is really the thing that indicates what we believe about this loss or win.

Yay! I won! Boo! I lost!

When I began to do The Work, one wonderful thing I realized that the feelings I had about everything were such excellent clues, pointing to where I believed something was “good” or “bad”.

Today I lost my cell phone. BOOOOOO!

As I looked in all the usual places I started banging around the house. I KNOW IT’S HERE. How can it have disappeared? It was just in my hand 15 minutes ago! For cryin’ out loud!!

Hmmm, do we have a little frustration entering the scene?

The first utterance about Truth
Is the first step
Down the path of deceit.
~ Ram Tzu in No Way

Here is something misplaced, an object that seems like it is usually HERE, and now it’s NOT. So simple, so non-emergency, really not that important…and yet a little fire has come into the picture.

Even on this small scale, the thought is still present “the thing I am thinking about should be here, it is not, and I don’t like it.”

True? YES! What do you mean “is it true?!” Of course it is true!

That is exactly how I was behaving. Within maybe 10 seconds of not seeing the phone anywhere, in any of the usual places.

It is true and it sucks. It is true and this is NOT good. This is NOT convenient. This is NOT smooth. This is NOT peaceful. I demand the phone show up immediately!!

Full Stop. Um. Could this be a little stressy moment?

I notice today that I never find the phone (yet). But with self-inquiry…the reaction dissolves itself practically moments after it was arising. OK OK, an HOUR after it was arising!

Do I actually need the phone? Do I need to find those photos? Can I live without that file, those papers, my wallet, that dish, my water bottle, that earring?

How about not just living without it…but living joyfully without it. Everything still convenient, smooth, good, peaceful. What if this is funny…because something seems funny about all this now.

What could be the good news about losing my phone?

Today, I had two full hours in between clients where instead of making any return calls or texting or listening to messages or checking emails….I had a huge personal planning session for my upcoming year.

I went to a little cafe with my laptop that I haven’t been to in ages, to sit. Without a phone.

I took final notes on a new teleclass I’m ALMOST about to offer (I know some of you have been waiting) on Pain, Sickness and Death. I wrote for 30 minutes on my book I’m writing on recovering from an eating disorder. I wrote down six unfinished things that I know will be possible and fun to complete this week.

I find that each time I see the goodness, the advantage, and the peace in things going the way they do…I notice I’m….happy. Kind of simple.

Who am I without the thought that I need to feel a certain way about losing ANYTHING?

Without losing being so harsh…winning also is more mysterious. Who knows if it’s really good today. Maybe winning, whatever it is, is more normal and not so hyped up or over-the-top or exhilarating as its cracked up to be.

You may have to think for a minute to find examples of why the way it’s going is OK. You may have to be open to finding out later, that these examples will come to you at a future time.

There may be some other reason I don’t even know yet, that I’m not aware of, that what I’ve lost is good.

Not just a phone….but a marriage, my childhood, my big house, a pregnancy, my bank account, a client, part of my leg, old photos.

“Not wanting to change what is, is a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom.”~Byron Katie

Any tiny moment where I think I have deprivation, loss….could it be that there is something gained, even as that thing is disappearing?

Could the universe be friendly?

Love, Grace

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Me? Jealous? Never!

The dynamic of jealousy can be one of the most painful, agonizing experiences a human can have internally, believing their fearful thoughts about someone else being better than us, someone else ditching us or finding us unimportant, and what it could mean about the future, or about the past.

There are several kinds of jealousy, it seems: sibling jealousy, workplace jealousy, romantic jealousy, jealousy in friendships, business jealousy, success jealousy.

And then on top of it all….there is often condemnation of the person who is actually jealous. That person is crazy, insecure, wrong, mixed up, fearful, distrusting, resentful.

That jealous person needs to work through their issues! JEEZ! Get a life!

No one would want to be around a jealous person. No one wants to get involved with a jealous person. Not one wants to BE the jealous person.

I used to think of myself as very NON jealous. I rarely experienced it in romantic relationships. Why would I want a prison for a relationship? Why would I want to ask a someone to adjust their contact with others so I myself could feel more comfortable? That seemed weird.

I was sooooo above all that.

Until I noticed one day several years ago that I was “jealous” of a woman who was very successful in her field. She offered great service to clients, she was a former dancer in incredible physical condition, she is 14 years younger than me, she had a book published in 10 languages, she ran events that she led that drew 1000 people, she made six-figures every month, and she had amazingly gorgeous hair.

And then there were MORE women like her showing up in my life. People who apparently, the story went, had a gazillion dollars more than ME and were published! Creative! Inventive! Crowds of followers!

It was like the areas of this world I found difficult but highly valuable….and felt a bit lacking in….were all displayed in these amazing women. There she was, the successful one over there.

Here I was, the dork over here who had debt, age, non-accomplishment, failure, sickness, and not only was not published, but I hadn’t ever even finished a whole book.

My hair at least was OK.

Jealousy shows up in different ways for different people. I felt like these women were larger than life. Beyond me. Extraordinary.

Eckhart Tolle speaks about jealousy and envy as a view of others from the absolute perspective of lack.

“The basic condition of the egoic self is a deep-seated sense of lack, of not enough, not complete…and then it looks for the next thing to fill the hole that is always there…” ~Eckhart Tolle

So at that moment that I noticed someone on the planet who I admired enormously, someone who amazed me with her accomplishments.

And I noticed at the same moment practically that I simply could never do what she has done. Oh how deflating. I’ll never get there, never be that, never do it.

That part of the mind likes to compare. It’s like the most dissatisfied, worried, anxious voice you ever heard. What’s wrong with you? How much of your life have you sat around on your butt? I’ve heard of wasting time but this is ridiculous! You see that over there? That’s what success looks like! Fer Gawdsakes, look at you!

Identifying and questioning these pesky little thoughts when they spring forward can catch the most powerful moment of jealousy or envy in the bud, and nip it.

“When we’re in the student position, we’re growing. When we’re in the teaching position, we’re stuck…There is nothing negative in the world. If I see something negative, I am believing insane thoughts…” ~Byron Katie

If I am a person who questions my thinking, who is open to the unknown, to mystery…if I am someone who is a student of my awareness, of the reality that shows up around me…then I notice I do not compare.

There is nothing negative in the world, INCLUDING ME. Including you.

What could be fabulous about this incredible, accomplished woman showing up in my life?

Wow. I have a role model. I am inspired. I see how she’s a human being, like me. I can turn the thoughts I have around of myself like “I’ll never make it. I can’t do it. I’m not successful. It’s too late for me. I’m not good enough.”

Really?

Maybe instead, as a student, a teacher has appeared. Showing me the inspiration, joy, beauty, power, success, excellence, and achievement that is possible.

Everyone is God in disguise. The rough people, and the idolized people as well.

“The difference between a good artist and a great one is: the novice will often lay down his tool or brush, then pick up an invisible club on the mind’s table, and helplessly smash the easels and jade. Whereas the vintage man no longer hurts himself, or anyone, and keeps on sculpting Light.” ~ Hafiz

Question your thoughts when you believe you don’t measure up to that other image, over there. Question your not-enough-ness.

Sculpt your light.

Love, Grace

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Ending The Inner Holocaust

I will never forget when I first was exposed to The Work on the WWII holocaust. I had already been doing The Work for awhile. I was at an event with Katie known as The Cleanse, where people come from all over the world to do The Work and listen to Katie working with individuals on stage.

This is one of the most devastating, terrifying experiences of human history for many people…any holocaust. When many are killed violently by others. Groups of people against each other, terror, dictators, destruction.

I had written a worksheet on Hitler before, but not questioned and investigated all my fears and beliefs about him within my mind. It’s almost like I couldn’t quite go there yet, I couldn’t see how one could even ask whether or not the holocaust was horrifying…or question that its occurrence was hell. It was horrifying, that was just true.

How could any of us accept this kind of experience? And I could NEVER love it, that’s for sure.

A woman sat in the chair with Katie and read her worksheet. Instead of the worksheet being on Hitler or the Nazis, it was directed to the people who walked to their death, the victims. They should have done something, they should have run, they should have fought.

As I listened to the story of how the victims should have fought, with violence against violence, self-defense, something in me became willing to consider every little nuance of my own perspective.

Just by listening to someone else do The Work, the questions were present inside me. The answers were alive.

It didn’t mean I had to love it. It didn’t mean I had to fear it either.

I had other visions of terror. Viet Nam, Cambodia’s Killing Fields, Rwanda, the Wounded Knee Massacre, Hiroshima, WWI. Many stories.

I had never been in an actual war myself, or even been around a real gun that went off.

And yet, just hearing the stories….I was scared about the nature of humanity, what it was capable of. I had been scared my entire life.

Sometimes when we ask the question “is it true?” about something we are believing, it seems like the answer is absolutely yes. Those situations, those wars, that horror, that was pure hell-on-earth darkness.

And that day, even while in my own life it felt like everything was falling apart (divorce, moving, almost no money left, sleepless nights, unhappy) I heard an amazing idea:

What if that event was not 100% absolute total and complete destruction? What if something could rise out of it that was healing?

I once heard Katie say “if I break my arm, I immediately begin to see the advantages”.

What if it was possible to remember or hear these terrible stories about evil in the world, and know we are all OK anyway?

Could it be possible still that the universe is ultimately friendly?

One thought I had was that for the universe to be friendly, then death must not be as bad as I am thinking it is. The most terrible end-result happening there in that awful, gut-wrenching situation was death, or the body being destroyed or maimed (if there was not death).

I realized that I did not actually KNOW that death was horrendous. I did not know that if I died with a group of other people, all at once together, that this would be worse than dying on my own.

I also didn’t know whose fault it was. I could say the dictator’s fault….but I don’t really know that. Many factors had to come into play together to create any war.

“Fear teaches fear. Only peace can teach peace.”~Byron Katie

The mind screams in terror, the images repeat themselves. The actual event is over, and then the story lives on to be re-lived.

I notice when I think with terror about these terrifying events in history, I am sitting here as a ball of fearful energy, even if I am surrounded by a silent, quiet house and never have seen an actual real weapon.

This is not about being in denial. In fact, hearing the woman’s work on the holocaust brought me into the feelings and fears I had not even looked at yet.

I was coming OUT of denial.

I realized that without questioning my thinking, I saw myself and people who were “victims” as small, powerless, sad, hopeless creatures. I saw dictators as crazy, insane, violent, brutal destroyers of happiness. End of story.

“The war I made against my family and against myself was as brutal as any bomb that could be dropped. And at a certain point, I stopped bombing myself. I began to do this Work. I answered the questions with a simple yes or no. I sat in the answers, I let them sink in, and I found freedom…..This story is your gift. When you can experience it without fear, your work is done. There is only one person who can end your internal war, and that’s you.”~Byron Katie

If you’re ready to go for it, write a worksheet today on that person or people who were to blame for introducing fear, ruin, devastation, decimation into this world.

Bring yourself this investigation, even if it seems hopeless or unfathomable that peace could be present inside you with those terrible images. Maybe it can. Maybe it is.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.