Category: Money

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Money. Relationships. Can’t live with them. Can’t live without them.

Ever feel like secretly you are BEGGING the universe, other people, an event, you yourself….to provide you with something you deeply and repetitively seem to want?

Lordy.

I say that with a sigh because of the persistence of this mind to come up with various angles on the same themes:

  • I want more money. I would be so happy. I would feel so generous. I would have so much less anxiety and so much more safety, fun, fulfillment.
  • I want more love. I would be so happy. I would feel so joyful. I would have so much less anxiety and so much more safety, satisfaction, fun.
  • I want more physical or emotional space. I would be so happy. I would have creative energy. I would feel generous. I would have less self-pity and more abundance.
  • I want more success. I would be so happy. I would feel so fulfilled. I would have pride (the good kind) and feel assurance.

It really does bring home that anything we believe we want more of in our lives generally points to the same thing: that getting this would bring happiness.

This goes even for things we don’t always love, like overeating or smoking or taking drugs.

In the split second of moving towards that experience, we feel like we’ll get a little happiness for a second from the taste of the food, the relaxation of the alcohol’s effect on the mind, the relief from the craving.

When we’re engaging in all this Wanting More, it sure does make our current condition look bad, doesn’t it?

This current state of my life, in this particular department (money, relationships, business, etc) is Not Good.

I have proof.

Those people over there are much happier. I myself used to be happier. That other time/place/experience is BETTER.

This is bad, here.

There’s an absence of the thing I want, here.

What happens when we believe this is true?

(And it sure happens fast).

We feel sad, we chase down the thing wanted like we’re on fire, we beg.

Please, please, please…..could I just win a billion dollars?

Please, please, please……could the perfect mate show up tomorrow?

Please, oh please…..could my business make a bigger difference to more people?

Who would you be without the story of begging?

I mean, what if I just stopped the begging and let things be the way they are in this moment, this situation, without pushing and pulling every which way?

I like seeing that sitting still doesn’t mean I’m never going to want anything again.

I mean, I’ll probably be thirsty in a few hours for water!

It’s the way of it.

But to question the mind’s orientation for MORE is so freeing, so exciting.

Thoughts don’t have to the be the Truth.

We can notice the thought-chain that keeps on ticking, and it’s not who we are.

We are the ones watching, hearing thought, watching it perceive the world, while something here within ourselves is silent.

We *think* we always want to be MORE of ourselves, or have more for ourselves, but that’s just thought, too. Isn’t it?

What if we’re enough already.

We are as much as we could ever be. This is it.

If you’re having trouble with money or relationships as the “more” thing your mind is endlessly talking about, and you’d like the relief and freedom of questioning your story with money, or your story about love….

….the best way I’ve ever found is in The Work of Byron Katie.

Living With Money is a course that brings us a way to identify what it is we’re thinking that hurts, like the broken record “I want more money”, and allows us to see a new way to be with money and live with it peacefully.

Live sessions to accompany this course begin on January 11th and will run every Wednesday at 9:30am PT through February 15th. Sign up now for the course and begin–and bring your questions to our live calls.

What we often notice is when it’s OK to be right where we are, things start to get easier all on their own.

Same with an important relationship in your life you might want to bring to inquiry: lover, spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, boss, co-worker.

Relationship retreat is a 4 day blitz Feb 2-5, for 3 hours each day. You will do The Work with a small group, on any stressful relationship in your life.

When you question your beliefs about your relationship, you change on the inside, and you can then be clearer, know what to do next, act with kindness and strength and possibility, and end your war with What Is.

Register for Valentine Relationships Retreat Feb 2-5 HERE.

Much love,

Grace

 

Upcoming ways to question your thinking, change your world:

Online annual Valentine retreat on relationships of any kind 8-11am PT daily Feb 2-5 with Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell Sliding Scale $275+

Everyone wanting to join an ongoing group for investigating compulsion around eating, food, body image with The Work of Byron Katie….Eating Peace Inquiry Circle meets Tuesdays 5pm PT and Thursdays 10am PT. Come to just one, or both, or watch/listen to the recordings. We have deep and awesome inquiry work happening. Join month-to-month sliding scale.

Year of Inquiry opens its doors in January only for those who want to join us the rest of the year.

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One of my secret, embarrassing, repetitive stories. “I’m ruined.”

What a fabulous five night being so fully and deeply occupied by the annual January Eating Peace Retreat. Followed by a huge wild insurgence of webinars and all the activity of people joining Eating Peace Experience.

 

Deep breath.

 

Life moves at a high pace at times.

 

And yet this moment here, always, is OK. If the mind is not overly involved or desperate for something else right now, all is well. Slowness can even happen in this present moment.

 

As you can see, I just needed to do The Work right on the spot as I began writing today.

 

Mind says “Writing? No time. Expanding? No more room. Reducing? Not possible. Too much of this, not enough of that. Never just right.”

 

That’s the mind’s motto.

 

I’m reminded of it since the eating peace group has just begun especially.

 

With eating, or other substances or processes we love like TV, shopping, traveling, drinking, distracting, relationship-hunting, improving, smoking, fantasizing….

 

….the never-ending impulses of the mind create excitement, fear, worry, dread, self-pity, anger, criticism, depression, avoidance.

 

Wow, it’s a circus in here!

 

Thank goodness for The Work.

 

Because then, I can start with the predicament on top, the one disturbing me now–just starting with one, not over-thinking which “problem” to work on–simply beginning  with one.

 

Recently I had a meeting with an important mentor of mine I only see maybe once a year, sometimes longer in between.

 

We talked about my business and this service of doing work in the world, sharing, offering, working with this inner life.

 

And there I was telling her an old favorite story.

 

It’s almost embarrassing to speak of, since it reveals insecurity, worry, doubt, mistrust of life, disappointment, discouragement. (Noticing embarrassment = revealing inadequacy = clear imperfection = unworthy = I Am These Qualities).

 

It’s like a core belief is revealed: if you have doubt, fear, anxiety, insecurity….it means you are bad.

 

Forever.

 

LOL.

 

But back to the story (I stalled for a minute, did you see that)?

 

This wise mentor suggested to me when we met “you have a pattern of thinking you will be ruined, it seems.”

 

Ruined?

 

Ay me.

 

That word. Ruined.

 

I can hear it and find the drama in the mind.

 

Ruined financially. Ruined in divorce. Ruined physically from an accident or damage to the body. Day ruined. Bank account ruined. Relationship ruined. Life ruined.

 

Wow. That’s rough.

 

Of course I had to look up the word ruin and the etymology and formulation of the word: rough, collapse, decay, disrepair, falling into neglect, a building no longer standing.

 

Rue, to make sorry, to grieve, to affect with deep sorrow, mourn, lament. Rue, a strong-smelling plant.

 

And suddenly, through my own inner sense of feeling–the key to the thinking–I saw ruin as a feeling within.

 

Grief. Sorrow. Regret.

 

To hold our regrets inside can be so difficult when the mind works over them, again and again.

 

So good to have self-inquiry.

 

Find a place where you believe you were ruined, or someone else was, or you notice the fear of ruination in the future.

 

I was financially ruined (in my divorce).

 

Is it true?

 

No.

 

Yes, I had no money. Yes, everything in the material world I knew appeared to be gone.

 

But the story that went with it (I am not safe, this will last forever, I’ll never get ahead, I’ll never love again)….

 

….that was not true.

 

I’m breathing. I made it. Here we are.

 

What happens when you believe in ruin? When you regret?

 

Very painful. Images of the past–when you’re sure it was better. Here come those pictures and images. Here comes the grief.

 

Here comes the thinking “I should get over this and stop having PTSD about money, I should be someone different.”

 

Who would I be without this thought?

 

Noticing the quiet moment here, on a laptop, grey day, new year, tearful with memories, appreciating those in the past I once knew. Noticing everything comes and goes.

 

Noticing the odd “accident” of googling something in Ireland and landing on my former father-in-law’s obituary page and seeing he died this exact same date five years ago.

 

Without the belief in ruin, I simply watch the parade of pictures in my mind, and see the astonishing benefit of this day today, and that grief is OK.

 

I can remember if my mind says to me “ruined!” I might wonder what I feel sorrow for today, and the bitter taste of strong-smelling sorrow.

 

Turning the thought around: I am not ruined, I was not ruined. (This is 100% true–here I am–life went on apparently). The grief didn’t destroy me, the sorrow didn’t make me always bitter. I sometimes find life incredibly funny, and laughter bubbles up.

 

I also notice “I am” can never be ruined. It’s been here the whole time, unfazed.

 

It says, ‘Yah yah, you were born, you grew up, you got married, divorced, succeeded with money, failed with money, failed, succeeded, yadda yadda yadda….did you notice how beautiful this room is, and how strange and mysterious the sky out the window? Oh and by the way, I’ve got a new joke….

 

Turning the thought around again: My thinking is ruined.

 

And that’s some fantastic news.

 

It’s outdated, crumbling, in decay and decline. It focuses on the past and projects what happened there into the future. It collapses every night for some rest, and often during the day as well. It chatters away and then forgets about whatever it said.

 

Except for the thinking, all is well indeed.

 

Everything is being born.

 

“Where there is ruin, there is hope for treasure.” ~ Rumi

 

Every “ruined” situation I encountered brought something precious and invaluable: No money showed me the generosity of others, the amazing support and surprise of people. Relationship gone showed me new potential and new possibilities. Body damaged brought me trust and rest and slowing down, and poetry.

 

“Where you stumble, there lies your treasure” ~ Joseph Campbell. 

 

Much love,

Grace

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A disturbance on facebook. I had to do The Work!

Do your thoughts about money feel powerless or poisonous?

A notification appeared below a facebook comment.

This one….well….let’s just say there are posts sometimes that are fabulous reminders of whole thought systems I’ve held about reality, money, support, earning, sharing, gifting, and spirituality.

It was on a recent post about Year of Inquiry which, as I’m sure you know by now, is just starting up in full next week.

If she genuinely want to help others than why put a price tag on it? If she is all about grace, than why does it have a limit? The world needs desperate healing, unconditional love and support. If only the spiritual community wasn’t another elite group with an expensive fee. The irony is so blatant!

Yikes. Knife through the heart.

I could look at each and every sentence, and see what thoughts appeared within them that feel frightening for me, uncomfortable, dreadful.

  • She thinks Year of Inquiry an elite “expensive” group, and shouldn’t be.
  • No one who is helping or serving others “spiritually” should charge money.
  • Everyone should always be allowed in, whether they pay for it or not.
  • If I’m helping others (or if anyone is helping others), there should be no price tag, or limits, put on it.
  • The world is desperately in need. It needs unconditional love and support (and what I’m offering isn’t).

Oh my.

Sigh.

I love this post so much, honestly.

Because it spells out a perspective of thinking about money and service I’ve been committed to understanding for a long while deep inside myself.

Thoughts about loving service, money, receiving, sharing, setting limits of time or energy or fees, being supported financially.

What thoughts do you have about being of service to others, volunteering vs being paid, needing to earn a living (apparently) by receiving money….or most importantly, about the spirituality of money?

I see how conditioned I was to believe the idea that money is not spiritual.

In fact, in my historical tradition, it’s evil. Money was considered a very sensitive, tricky, difficult topic. The “wanting” of money is the root of all evil!

We should pretend it doesn’t exist and not talk about it too much, never want it, give it away, and do lots of invisible work without asking for payment for the work.

In this story of work, service and money….I probably shouldn’t ever mention Year of Inquiry or any programs coming up. I think it’s called marketing or promotion, and marketing is sleezy, isn’t it?

Sigh again.

It’s a painful story, I’ve found.

Is it a true story?

Good question. (Well, I automatically know when I feel disturbed I’m believing an untrue thought).

We all know those who have been “greedy”, and for some of us, this quality of greed or grabbing for oneself is called a “deadly sin”.

I could feel the sadness, heart-break and desire to defend swirling around from this comment written by a stranger willing to share their truth in the moment.

I could feel the immediate compassion of this writer’s possible unwritten beliefs: I’m not included. I don’t want to have to pay for love. The world is full of suffering. We need help. I need help. Something’s too hard.

I’ve believed all these, and felt the sadness.

And how do I react when I believe I’ve offended someone because I’ve charged a fee for services?

Sad again.

I also had an urge to defend and describe the amount of hours I give in my business for free. To describe my own devastation around money in the past. I want to tell everyone about my hardships still underway. As if that makes it better, makes me OK as a person.

I shouldn’t be charging anything.

Is that really true?

Of course not. It’s almost ridiculous.

Having money feels deeply supportive, to exchange for all the things I use it for like a roof, bed, clothing, pillows, refrigerator. I suppose I don’t need the money. I’ve known what it’s like to have none, and survived OK. But I do love having enough to pay for food and all the items that support the body functioning well. I love not borrowing from others but creating helpful programs to share with others who want them.

How do I react?

I feel a flash of guilt.

I’m blatantly flying in the face of the story “wanting money is the root of all evil.”

I’m not hiding it. I’m sharing it with the world, I’m creating events, I’m saying yes to invitations. I’m running a business. Money is moving about, in and out, to me, away from me.

When I believe the thought I’m doing something wrong with money, I feel like justifying. I want to say to you “I live in a 700 square foot cottage) and “my car is 20 years old” and “I never buy clothes or jewelry or luxury items of any kind”.

Heart sinks, I feel sorry for myself as I can’t imagine how to support myself without this thing called money–which suddenly isn’t a friend anymore, it’s an enemy by association.

So who would I be without this old guilt about money being evil, and charging being wrong, and spirituality or serving others being something that shouldn’t have a price….or not offending someone on the internet being important?

Ahhhhh.

I’d notice the way money touches us all, whether we care about having more of it or not, or wanting to be free of it or not, or having opinions about it or not.

Money is like the whole world, and love. It doesn’t judge. It goes anywhere (it doesn’t care if the person whose pocket it is in just stole it).

Without the thought I’m doing something wrong, I remember the first time someone sent me a donation.

I was shocked. What is this $10 for? And next to the paypal “I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate your work in the world”.

And then someone sent $20. One day, another $20. One day someone sent $100. Then another time someone sent $500, with a beautiful “thank you for Grace Notes”. And again here came another $300. I’ve lost track.

So touching, so encouraging. So amazing. So generous.

How did I know I needed these unrequested contributions? I received them. They were so valuable to me. Showing me the generosity of humanity and the spice to keep going.

Turning the thought around: I should set fees for services, I should run a business, it’s OK to want money (not evil)…

….Maybe wanting money is even…beautiful, kind, loving (whatever the opposite of evil is).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

“We use stress and violence as a motivator to get things done. But I have the opposite experience than that. Love is the power.

Whatever comes up, if that thought brings peace or stress into your life, then do The Work. Self-inquiry is here to wake us up from our nightmares. If I am stressed out or uncomfortable, then it is up to me to wake me up. Freedom is an internal thing, where the mind meets itself and we end internal war. Freedom is when we love everything we think, everything we are, everything the mind creates. We learn the difference between imagination and reality….and it belongs to everyone and anyone.”
~ Byron Katie

Turning it all around, trying it all on:

Turning it all around:

  • Year of Inquiry is not expensive, and it should be.
  • I should charge fees, I should receive money. When others are helping or serving me, I should give them money.
  • Everyone already IS allowed “in”, whether they pay for it or not. Yahoo! We’re all a part of the human family, doing our dances.
  • If I’m helping others (or if anyone is helping others), there are already no price tags, or limits, put on it.
  • Anyone can charge what they need, desire, want or find joy to ask. It’s unlimited and totally creative. (I’ve been amazed by programs I hear about where someone charges $8000 for 8 sessions, or other even higher fee programs).
  • The woman writing the comment is in need. She doesn’t sound happy. I can gather her in my thoughts with loving kindness (I do). My thinking in this situation is in need (of inquiry especially). She was being unconditionally loving and supportive in sharing her thoughts with me, to help me see better my sense of strength with money–which I’ve needed for awhile.
  • It’s OK if someone disagrees with me, or thinks what I’ve created is too expensive, or shouldn’t cost anything.

So true.

In fact, right now I have a greater sense of freedom with money, running a program, sharing what’s offered, spreading the news….noticing with joy who comes, who doesn’t, what happens, and trusting life, and money, as they unfold.

So exciting.

If it serves you to join a group to travel together questioning thoughts like “I need more money” and “they shouldn’t ask for so much” and all the places we think the world is suffering….I’d love to you have in Year of Inquiry.

You can still join this weekend, we get started in lives inquiry calls next week.

I love you all.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Everyone’s getting excited for fall retreat in Pennsylvania Oct 17-20, dorm style lodging in our great big beautiful amish-style vacation home. We can have a comfortable cot set up for you (lodging has a small separate fee). We’re sharing delicious food. And our minds get to do The Work. What could be better?

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Something terrible is going to happen in two weeks (+4 wonderful events that are going to happen)

I’ve just returned from five days deep in the woods of Breitenbush Hotsprings, Oregon. Tom Compton and I had the best time together sharing The Work. We loved the collaboration so much, we’re doing it again next year. Stay tuned for updates for Breitenbush June 2020.

One week from today on Thurs June 27th 7-9 pm, in Seattle at East West Books, a wonderful evening with The Work. $30, please register here. Can’t wait to meet you in person if you’re able.

Summer Camp for The Mind, an online group for doing The Work (beginners to experienced–everyone welcome) starts July 8th.Come to one, or all, live sessions. We meet online on a forum, we share a session live Monday-Friday (pick the days that work best for your time zone) and everything’s recorded so members can listen to any session as their own meditation in The Work. Read about the schedule and how Summer Camp works here.

Divorce is Hell: Is It True? begins again for 8 weeks starting Sunday August 18th 11 am PT. My friend and colleague Nadine facilitates this enlightening course with me, and we did sell out last time we taught it. Course ends 10/13. Register here.

And….my favorite. A Virtual Year of Inquiry. What a wonderful experience of getting to know others so deeply through sharing The Work together for an entire year online (retreats are an optional add-on). Just. Wow. Right now this month YOI is in our last month together before we all enter Summer Camp For The Mind in July, and I secretly hope every single person re-joins as a repeater, LOL. Read about Year of Inquiry which begins Sept 10th or 12th here.

Sometimes, I begin to get super excited just thinking about the summer unfolding, the activity and joy of camping, travel, weddings, outdoor concerts, evenings where its light until 10 pm….

….and the preparation for a new fall inquiry group who will share an adventure together for an entire year.

This has become the norm in my summer.

It didn’t feel that way at first.

Something terrible is going to happen….How do you react when you think that thought?

I was anxious, looking on the calendar, feeling overwhelmed with the amount of things I needed to do: learn the technology, make the announcement, promote (ugh), share, offer, set up all the links and buttons so people could find out how to join and learn how to be in the forum.

The other day, I sat with an inquirer who was wanting to make something happen (get a job) and it reminded me of the dreadful feeling of responsibility for our survival, or our success, or what we believe is needed for happiness or comfort.

In my case several years ago, my list looked like this for the summer “plan”:

  • I need participants
  • I have a deadline
  • I need to create a great webinar that helps people ‘get’ The Work and Year of Inquiry
  • I must offer as much as possible every day, so people understand the value of doing The Work (virtual summer camp was born)
  • this is a huge project
  • this has to work
  • I need to support myself and my kids (and the way it will happen is with the programs I offer)
  • I need the money
The pressure to acquire money, as you know, sent me through the roof in anxiety in the past (especially by 2009) after the shock of divorce, believing I couldn’t make it, losing most of my possessions, not having a job, and feeling I had no one and nothing to support me.
There was a day when I might lose my last asset: my little 690 square foot cottage.
If I didn’t get income within 2 weeks, the foreclosure process would begin.
Have you ever had something like that become dire? Like a time bomb is ticking or the fuse has been lit, and it’s only a matter of minutes or days before “KABOOM!”
Funny that the word we use is the word “dead-line”.
A little dramatic, right?
Apparently a Civil War term, when someone in prison crossed a particular boundary line, they were shot. Dead.
But it feels like I will die, unless….
Let’s do The Work on this.
What’s your great fear that if you don’t do “x” you’ll be up sheit- creek without a paddle, as they say? You’ll be in dire straits. You’ll be dead.
It will be terrible, soon. Doomsday is coming.
Is that true?

 

Yes.

When I sat on my couch with a mortgage bill, and $10.16 left in my bank account, I felt sheer terror. I could hardly breathe. I mentally attacked the people who I believed was responsible for putting me into this position.

It was true. Bad things are coming, and soon.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that a crap result is right around the corner? Are you absolutely positive you’re in big trouble, or that your very life is threatened?

No.

I knew that not making enough money or having enough money to pay for my housing wouldn’t kill me. I knew that not having clients or customers, and taking the time to sleep, rest, do The Work, relax had to be OK.

I was aware I could relax WHILE looking for work. I could do the very best I could, and see where this went. I couldn’t guarantee any outcome, but I could know I did my best.

And I couldn’t in any way know what would happen in 2 weeks, or in the next Year of Inquiry group. No way to know any of this at all.

How do you react when you believe if you don’t do x, then something terrible will happen? How do you react when you think bad things are coming, and soon?

TERRIFIED!!

Images of lying on the sidewalk cold, shivering, dying, starving, homeless, lost, abandoned, needy.

For me, images of lying depressed in my mother’s basement, unable to stand up again on my own two feet. Images of never regaining the lifestyle I used to enjoy, the things, the opportunities, all the fun learning, the home, the creativity, the joy with my kids, the adventure, the social connections, the reasons to live.

Seeing myself as an elderly person who in the entire second half of her life never succeeded, who went on welfare and had to be supported by the state. Total failure. Bad mother.

A horribly depressing picture of the nearing future. Doomed.

But who was I without the thought that bad things are coming?

This is not about being in denial, like fake affirmations where I’m pretending a deadline doesn’t exist.

Without the belief “bad things are coming, and soon”….

….I notice this moment on the couch with $10.16 is very quiet, peaceful and supportive. I have a couch. I have a cottage. I’m breathing. I’m OK in that very moment. I even have two apples in the fridge and some canned food in the cupboards.

Without the thought of doom and gloom, I actually sit for awhile, and then I move. I’m listening to ideas in my mind that feel interesting or positive. I’m asking people for their ideas. I’m connecting, wondering out loud. I’m reaching out.

Without the belief in Impending Doom, I am very alive. Something kicks in like in the movie Apollo 13  “Houston….we’ve got a problem”. I look for my think-tank and my friends. I pool my resources. I go out.

All is not lost right now. This is not two weeks from now. This is today.

Not in denial. Responding to the circumstances. No complaints, just moving. Go.

Turning the thought around:

It will be wonderful, soon. Joyday is coming. (It is wonderful right now, happiness is here). 

Why couldn’t this be just as true, or truer?

Without my thoughts about the future, this moment is actually brilliant. Peaceful, supportive, non-threatening. I can use determination and fired up energy to respond to what’s happening.

I hear Byron Katie’s voice saying, about a dire, threatening situation in the past; “Were you OK?”

I notice I’m here now, despite going through threatening and hard situations.

Turning my thoughts around again: my thinking will be terrible soon, only in my thinking is doomsday coming. 

My thinking is actually terrible now. 

But only my thoughts. I can live with terrible thoughts–so far they’ve never killed me. They are invisible, they are only inventions of imagined future. I can notice that right here what I see, touch, feel, sit with is much more peaceful than my thinking.

“Reality is always kinder than the story we tell about it. But only, always.” ~ Byron Katie

On my facebook live “show” this past Monday, I offered inquiry on nearly the same thought. Something terrible impending. Watch it here.

Love to hear about your adventures in believing something might very well go wrong, and noticing….

….it didn’t.

Share your experience with me, either on facebook or as a comment on Grace Notes on my website right here.

Inspiring to hear of The Work and freedom, and your share might help someone else who’s really scared right now.

Much love,

Grace

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The solution to shame: showing what you really feel (come work it at autumn retreat)

One of the most powerful experiences of transformation I’ve ever encountered is to truly, honestly, openly and without shame (or, even if I do have shame) express my feelings, and be witnessed by others.

Thirty years ago, I was in a powerful weekly group process for 3 years where we looked closely and deeply at our troubled feelings, and shared them.

We showed them to others.

Instead of talking about fear, or sadness or hurt….we cried, screamed or spoke the story we were believing with an honest heart. Self-consciousness dissolved. The energy changed.

Something’s been happening within me for the past several years where I’m connecting this honest expression of feeling with self-inquiry and The Work, which seems to require thinking.

It’s been underway as a weaving together for a very long time. In this autumn retreat coming up, we’ll gently and kindly spend more time allowing the feelings that appear. We’ll notice them, encourage them, be with them.

I love these feelings, our inner world–the temple bell that says “time to inquire”. If you’d like to join me in the honoring of your inner life, and self-inquiry, then consider coming to northeast Seattle in three weeks to be in the adventure of loving kindness with who you are, even when you believe un-believable and very troubling thoughts.

Especially when you believe unbelievable and troubling thoughts. Join me in the retreat by signing up here.

Speaking of unbelievable thoughts. I’ve had kind of an embarrassing thought that’s reared it’s head lately again–but also many times in the past.

I shared about it on facebook today. I keep forgetting to tell you all I’m doing a facebook live every single Tuesday at 4 pm Pacific Time. The video gets recorded and posted immediately on my facebook page here.

The stressful and slightly embarrassing thought I’m bringing to The Work today?

“I don’t have enough money. I want more.”

In my facebook video, the story I told from ten years ago felt like a threat to my very survival.

When I had the thought recently it was different. But both times, I definitely felt ashamed.

This more recent kind of not having enough is like a sorrowful, complaining, piteous kind of Not Enoughness.

I just want more.

I already know I don’t neeeeeeeed more. It’s not urgent, it’s not an emergency.

But by comparison those other people have so much more than me. And I hate it. They can do whatever they want, buy whatever they want, decorate however they want, have whatever they want, spend their time however they want, go wherever they want.

And what makes it worse is, I shouldn’t be complaining about this. There are starving people in Africa. I’m such a greedy American. It’s ridiculous. Poor baby can’t have her electric car or gym trainer or yoga retreat.

Yikes.

That sounds so harsh, right?

I work with so many people who have stressful thoughts, and then think they’re being horrible people for having them.

I can relate. But even if embarrassing, I still have the belief “I don’t have enough money”.

I don’t have enough money for doing lavish things I’ve seen in the movies or heard about from time to time like hiring a plane to take me to an island. I don’t have enough money to go on another retreat. I don’t have enough money to do nothing all day.

Instead of hitting yourself with harsh-ness for having a thought, let’s actually do The Work instead. Because it’s sweet and loving and very kind to give yourself the care and attention of looking at a thought that feels true.

Here are my favorite questions to ask first, when it comes to thoughts about not having enough money:

1) What would you have, if you had all that money you dream of and could acquire the things you want? Success? Rest? Ease? Freedom? Security? Look at those other people you’re comparing yourself to….what do they have that you don’t have?

2) What’s the worst that could happen if you never, ever get that amount of money? Lack of fun? Failure? Lack of comfort, or care? Will you suffer?

Is it true I don’t have enough money to have freedom, fun, joy, comfort, security right now?

Can any amount of money guarantee any of these things?

Haha. No.

Do you really need more money to gain time, happiness, safety, or freedom?

You might genuinely be able to attain a little more comfort. You might get to sit in a chair that cost $3800 instead of $38 and notice it feels a bit softer or looks more elegant.

But as Byron Katie says so beautifully….sitting is sitting.

Is more money really seriously required for you to be happy right now, in this moment?

Are you sure you need as much as those Other People, who have millions? Are you sure you aren’t equally capable of obtaining as much as them, whether it’s money or other interesting adventures in life?

Who would we be without our beliefs about wanting or needing MORE?

Wow.

I’d feel very connected to those others. I’d trust they need what they have, and I need what I have. I’d be aware that money comes and goes and moves about and stays or doesn’t, like the weather.

I’d notice I love receiving money and trading it for other things I need like food, or heat, or clothing.

I’d notice how much fun this is, like a game instead of a serious dilemma. Just as much fun to be connected and play and delight in money as in lack of money.

Turning the thought around: I do have enough money. I don’t have enough supportive/clear thinking (about money). Money doesn’t have enough of me.

Those qualities or conditions I want from money? Perhaps it’s time for me to give these to the world, to others, to money itself: support, service, respect, comfort, ease, freedom, love. I could give these qualities to others, to the world, instead of grabbing for them in this situation.

Today I received two registrations for fall retreat within an hour, and suddenly my thought about not having enough people signed up went away.

Until.

I thought about the two empty rooms with king sized beds still available for participants to stay onsite that are not yet filled. I’ve already paid for them. I won’t get reimbursed if no one stays there. I’ll lose money. It will be bad. I need more money for those rooms.

LOL.

Who would I be without this thought?

Noticing I watch, wait, write, act and it’s a big wonderful magnificent dance. I have no idea how many people will be sleeping onsite until October 17th.

I don’t know how many people will attend retreat until it’s over.

Recently, as you probably know if you read Grace Notes, I got to attend and witness so many beautiful people doing The Work during a 3 day retreat I was not leading. One person left after the first day. Slipped away without saying goodbye.

Reality shows us who is supposed to be there and who is not.

How very, very exciting. What a wonderful sense of trust, joy, and action. I notice I still speak or share about the upcoming retreat, but no one has to come.

If no one showed up at all (which appears to be untrue based on the list of committed folks I have…but you get the idea)….

….if no one shows up, then I notice I get 4.5 days of silent, peaceful, quiet retreat time to do The Work on my own and really be my own facilitator in a way I could never imagine in my past life. Isn’t that truly what I always wanted, to be friends with silence, and my inner emotional world, and my thinking?

What a spectacular fun turnaround scene to notice in the mind in my imagination: that if no one came, or no money showed up when I think I want or need more, no vacation or skin treatment or new bicycle was ever possible in my entire life (or anything I think would be nice)….

….that I’d know I did my best, I stepped forward with courage and willingness, I’m not wrong or some kind of greedy weirdo, I treated money as a loving friend not an enemy who’s teasing me or leaving me out, that I questioned my stressful opinions and found humor and joy.

Who would you be without your story of Not Enough?

Much love,
Grace
P.S. As I mentioned, when I was in my late 20s, I was in a drama therapy and primal/gestalt corrective parenting group for three years. Fifteen years later I found The Work.

In autumn retreat we’ll listen to our emotional experience and listen to our bodies as we do The Work. There’s no shame in our feelings. They point us to our stories. They tell us and show us what we’re believing. Come join me in this transformational Work of Byron Katie. Questions? Hit reply here or call me 206-650-1230.

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A big invoice, a big realization (+ fb live tomorrow)

Despaired woman accounting looking into the camera in the living room

Speaking of turnarounds.

About two months ago I received an unexpected bill. For about ten times the amount I originally expected. GULP.

What??

I kind of coughed and said to myself, well OK. I guess this is required so we’ll just move forward if we’re seeing this house project through. Keep calm and carry on. Stiff upper lip!

(I love those English sayings; perfect expressions showing a stressful belief or two is running. Plus it’s basically my historical roots. Stiff upper lip = do not allow any quivering to show in your lip that may suggest sadness, crying, or breaking down with emotion in the slightest way)!

But then.

A new and different thought appeared.

I shouldn’t be paying this bill all by myself. Someone else should help me.

Gosh. Who would be helping me on my house project? There’s only one other person who lives at said house.

My husband.

(Poor man).

But he can’t afford to help with this bill. He should not be a teacher. He would make more if he had a different job. It’s all on me. Waaaaah. Poor me. I’m burdened.

It was about that mature, too.

How did I react when I believed I have to do everything (huff) when it comes to this bill?

Resentful. Seeing pictures of me being depended on, relied on. Not wanting the lead role, preferring the escape-artist role. Wanting to un-do my commitment to this project that created this bill in the first place.

Goodbye cruel world that demanded all that unexpected money from me!

Um. Yes. Kind of dramatic.

So who would I be without this very stressful belief, where I thought I was a Big Fat Victim doing it All Alone?

Without the beliefs my husband should help me financially with this bill, the bill shouldn’t even be this high, and I have to do this project all alone and drain my bank account?

First of all, I’d be noticing my bank account is not drained because of this bill.

Let’s just get that straight immediately.

Next, without the beliefs I can’t do it alone, but I have to, but I want help, and he should help me….

….I’m suddenly just….here.

Woman thinking about a bill. Seeing it’s not an emergency, it’s simply unexpected. Woman with questions about the bill. Woman not panicking and running screaming to husband (person closest to her).

My husband is so optimistic and kind, and yet I could tell my hissy fit took him aback a little. Maybe a bit sad that I suggested he needs a different job.

Sigh.

Without my belief that I’m alone in my purchases, I sit with the issues of money, choices, preferences, questions, bills, bank accounts, and notice how fast I go to fear when I see large numbers on bills.

Who would I be without the belief that money is what I need in this situation?

Oh. Right.

I’m calmer. Awake. Not grabbing the nearest person and pulling the underwater with me in my panic.

Turning the thoughts around:

I don’t have to do this alone, I’m choosing to pay this bill and trade money for a great project. No one has to help me. My bank account isn’t closing because of this bill. This is exciting, creative, thrilling. No need to pull the man I live with into the concern in a frightened way–I can talk with him calmly and ask his advice if I want.

This situation is safe.

The bill gets paid. A pen wrote some numbers on a piece of paper and it got mailed. Nothing else actually happened.

But even if you have a situation where it’s not possible to pay an apparent bill….notice the safety that’s still present in this moment. Free air to breath. Water to drink. Fed. Clothed. Alive.

It was my thinking that was alone, my thinking that needed more money/support, my thinking that paid for everything and my thinking that brought a big payment of suffering to me.

I didn’t need more money, I needed more inquiry.

Thank goodness for inquiry.

Because once I entered the world of questioning if my fearful thoughts were true, I saw it was an inside job, I felt no more demand or plea to my husband, and I had a few questions to ask from the company sending the bill.

There was a Living Turnaround: I wrote an email, the company responded almost immediately addressing every question, and I had a far greater understanding of the overall picture and future expectations for billings.

What a relief I gave myself.

I still felt the “yes” of this project and the joy of being a part of making something different that apparently requires money and payments and bills….and this flow is all very exciting. And safe.

It was my thinking that was ten times bigger than originally expected. It ballooned into a ginormous dark cloud of future not-enough-ness and resentment.

Over a piece of paper.

Haha!

 

If you want to come join me to do The Work on another common stressful belief, head over to my facebook page(WorkWithGrace) tomorrow morning, Saturday April 14th at 8:00 am PT. Hit reply to this email to share a thought you’d like to hear questioned. Let’s do The Work.

So Much love,

Grace

P.S. The 7th Great Parenting Show with Jacqueline Green (a fabulous inquirer in my Year of Inquiry program) is underway, and I got to tune in today and was fascinated with Dan Siegel and Brad Yates speaking about fear and cultivating presence and safety–helpful for all of us (including EFT). You can watch interviews for free over the ten days by signing up here.
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Without the story that it’s better when your partner has money….who are you?

The other night I had a seizure. A thinking-feeling seizure.

For about an hour. Seriously.

You might think….wow, that’s a long time for an actual seizure.

Shouldn’t a seizure be only a few minutes? Or ten at the most? I mean, medically and all….

No. It was at least an hour. And OK, it was a thinking seizure, not a full-blown physical medical episode, and I see now how these kinds of seizures can go on for years, and years, without question.

But honestly….it was a thousand times shorter than the seizures I used to have.

Here’s what happened.

I listened to a dear friend who I adore (he really is wonderful, creative, and passionate) tell me about a predicament with his beloved partner.

I could see the scenes in my head.

Partner; overworked, crushed, losing job saying “Screw you Boss!” yet again, lying on couch in physical pain after being on feet for twelve hours.

My Friend; frustrated with partner for losing job, guilty for feeling angry (because–physical pain from working on feet for so many hours), terrified for need of money, ready to sell house.

On my way home in my car with my own husband and partner after the evening was over….

….Me; OMG I NEVER want this to happen to me! To us! You should earn more money and get a different job!

Marriages are liabilities! People get too dependent on each other!! Partners should happily love working hard and support their spouses! Committed couples should take care of each other financially! 

Yes, it was flailing all over the place yelling completely opposing ideas.

And don’t pick “duds” for your primary relationship, by the way. As in, the ones who don’t work hard or don’t have good luck or aren’t supportive or who are screwed up.

People shouldn’t ever be burdened by their partner, financially or otherwise! EVER!

NEVER! EVER! GASP!!

(Seizure)!

The story I was remembering and telling and picturing in my head was an ancient one. That it’s best if the person with whom you are in relationship, live with, share time with or do things with as companions should have money, be a good worker or earner, pay their fair share and never lose their job. Right? They’re motivated, ambitious, and they want to get more money. And give it to you sometimes.

It’s pretty embarrassing.

Later, my very kind husband who is incredibly non-reactive and patient, said after I apologized for basically telling him he should quit his teaching job with kids and earn more….

“Yes, it was like you heard there were dangerous purple cows loose, and you freaked out about purple cows breaking down our door.”

He’s so awesome.

So let’s take a look at this old and stressful fairy tale about obligation in relationship.

Is it true that you have some kind of advantage if you’re in a relationship with someone who has money? Or a disadvantage if you’re in relationship with someone who doesn’t?

Yes. Duh.

But can you be sure? Are you positive that money in a primary relationship/partnership will bring you happiness, security, relaxation, peace? Are you sure lack of money from the partner will bring you unhappiness?

No.

I once dated a man with loads of cash, tons of assets and investments. We did many things where the bills were wildly beyond my limits for contributing. I visited luxury, in his presence. It was fun, sort of. For about ten minutes.

I saw it wasn’t true that it’s better if your spouse or companion has a lot of money. He was stressed, anxious, and unhappy. Even if he had been a deeply happy person, though (and sometimes, he WAS)….

….Money didn’t buy peace or trust or guarantees or support for us (for me). No way.

How do you react when you believe you need extra, or a buffer, a contribution, or someone to earn as much or more as a partner? And never lose their job?

Ugh.

I treat myself like what I do isn’t enough. I orient myself in the world of I-need-more or I-need-different. I secretly resent. I don’t trust that person’s own path. I envy other people in partnership with someone wealthy. I hyper-focus on money and financial assets. I think money means safety, or support, or love.

So who would I be without this very stressful fairy tale?

Without the belief that partners should make more, have more or give more money?

Without this thought, I feel so very excited. Relieved, and then beyond relief into joy. Aware of what is here supporting me. A chair, a floor. Air, water, creativity, life.

Without this entrenched and ancient story of money, and someone else’s money, supplying happiness or safety, I’m so free. I notice how happy and how safe I am right now. I notice how truly happy and kind my partner is, being himself, doing what he does.

I notice how everything necessary is here already, and nothing more is needed including luxuries. Those are fine, and entertaining, but certainly not required.

Turning the thought around: Being in a relationship is not a burden or a benefit (especially when it comes to money). I bring in what I do. So do they. We enjoy each other’s company. There is no advantage or disadvantage, if I am honest and clear every step of the way.

Wow. How could this be just as true, or truer?

Well, the other person has their own body, their own work and career, their own history, their own preferences. How can two people ever be….the same?

I love freedom. I love supporting the freedom of those I love, to have their own preferences and experiences and opinions.

It feels good, I notice, to participate in this thing called “work” in the world. To offer service. To give, to help out, to be creative in exchange for money or other benefits.

In fact, as I’ve done my own self-inquiry on “work” and “money” in life, I’ve gotten more and more excited and free when it comes to needing either one. It just feels natural to move into service. I never wanted to sit on the couch all day, anyway. I like working, learning, giving to others. Most of us do!

Turning it around again: Being in my own head, with all my stories about money and support and work and relationships, is a burden or a benefit.

Oh my. That’s truer.

When I think burdensome thoughts about partnership, when I have conditions or expectations, when I “need” money or support (and think I also need to give both)….

….then it never goes well.

It’s all about making deals. Tit for tat. Being fair. Giving and getting. Conditions. Wanting. Needing.

Yuck. It’s a lot of “work” to track all that.

What I notice about this inquiry, is I am free to be myself, to say “yes” and to say “no” with money, requests, needs, wants, hopes, expectations.

I just remembered when I was a young mother. I didn’t want to work, and I quit. I stayed home with my kids every day, happy not to be somewhere else I didn’t want to be. I felt a little upset about others wanting me to work, and earn more. (Oh boy, I remember how that felt–not so good).

And then I started wanting some adult time. I wanted to do something other than all-kids-all-the-time (I even homeschooled for awhile). I wanted balance. I wanted to use other skills.

Without having guilt, or rules, or terrors about who would suffer and what was “right” or “wrong” when it came to earning, or rebellious thoughts full of refusal to work….I got a part time job. It was fabulous. I worked with people in hospice. I was so grateful.

What freedom would you have, without your stories about what’s required or important in partnership, for you to be happy?

I’d be laughing about Purple Cow seizures with my loving, kind, brilliant partner. Unconditionally experiencing how supported we are, and how free.

Whether we have money, or not.

Much love,

Grace

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Do I really want it? Or does something bigger than “it” want me?

Right now, I find thoughts are ticker-taping through my life on money and eating, mostly because the money and eating courses are well underway.

I find it fascinating how these two forms of energy (money and food) have to do with consuming and taking in, but also letting go and releasing.

If money and our favorite food were lying on a table in front of us, we might see our hand reach out to take it.

I see it. I want it. I could take it. I’ll take it. I have it. It’s mine!

Did it provide what I was looking for? Did it give me what I really wanted?

Sometimes, this very pattern is extremely unsatisfying, but compelling: Working very hard and long hours for money. Eating way too much.

To explore this cycle, what if we went back to the seeing it, before we grabbed it or consumed it or used it, and paused right there?

Sometimes, the first time we “see” something we want is in our minds. The food or money isn’t around, but we picture it vividly. The color, the feel, the bank account statement, the spending, the texture, the possibilities, the excitement, the security or the focus on this pleasurable thing.

This thing called food. This thing called money.

People will say in the classes as we’re looking at our beliefs these common and stressful thoughts: “I can’t stop eating” or “I can’t relax around money”.

So what if we looked today at this “wanting” experience that happens when an image comes to mind of food, or riches? This is before we get it, but we’re dang sure we want it. See how good it looks?

I want, want, want it. 

Is it true?

Huh? I mean….of course that’s true! What an odd question! I have tons of evidence of this being true. I’ve grabbed it a thousand billion times. I’ve consumed and spent it. I’ve used it. I’ve eaten it.

I am the one who wants that thing. It’s been true for so long.

Are you sure?

Can you absolutely know it’s true you want that pile of money or that bowl of sugar? Is there no room for any doubt at all? Are you positive…forever and ever?

Boinnnnggggg! (That’s like a cartoon frying pan hitting me on the cartoon head)!

I can’t know it’s true I want it! If I pause a moment, it seems like I don’t. I have no idea. Weird.  I thought I was in a frenzy every time, but now I’m not so sure. Woah.

Interesting.

How do you react when you think you waaaannnnntttt it?

That’s easy. I grab like a Tasmanian Devil. I feel very unsatisfied.

So who would you be without this stressful thought that you For Sure want what you’re looking at? (Oh that cash, on that ice cream, oh that love, oh that attention, oh that success….)

Oh my. I’d start laughing.

Without the belief I want it?

Haha!

And something opens up, because maybe I really wanted something else all along. Maybe I want safety, security, love, soothing from serious trauma in the past, connection, intimacy.

So often, I wanted intimacy–to really join closely with someone. Food was next best thing. Money was for those other people who deserved it.

Turning the thought around: I don’t want it. My thinking wants it. Not “I” or me.  

How could this be just as true, or truer?

It didn’t really fulfill me. It didn’t eliminate the pain. I didn’t feel comfortable even after I had it. Spending or eating or hoarding or starving all happened, and still something feels empty or too full.

I’ve also worked with so many people with tons of money who aren’t perfectly content. Or who are eating the perfect diet, and they aren’t satisfied.

Turning the thought around again: It wants me.

How could this be true?

I know this sounds cosmic. Like, what is “it”? Seriously? Are we talking the food wants me, or the money? That doesn’t even make sense.

But I like this turnaround anyway. Life wants me. Love wants me. The present moment wants me, fully here, not half here, not wanting-ly here full of my complaints about what is.

God, Allah, The Friend, Presence, Surrender, Rest, Being wants me, the real true me that is not alone and not abandoned and not freaking out and too scared to inquire.

I Am and I Am Not
I’m drenched
in the flood 
which has yet to come 
I’m tied up 
in the prison
which has yet to exist
Not having played
the game of chess
I’m already the checkmate
Not having tasted
a single cup of your wine
I’m already drunk
Not having entered
the battlefield
I’m already wounded and slain
I no longer
know the difference
between image and reality
Like the shadow
I am
And
I am not
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

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Put yourself back into reality when it comes to you and money (or any disturbing relationship)

Let’s talk about shame, guilt and unhappiness on facebook live today (Tues Feb 20) at 11:00 am Pacific Time. The way you can find the video, even if you don’t join live at 11 am PT, is to head to my facebook page here.

Why am I on about this topic?

Because in the money course underway right now an entire handful of participants wrote to me or shared with me that they feel guilty, ashamed or upset about the way they were with money at some point in their lives.

At least four of the comments I received from participants in the money class were about events they felt embarrassed or troubled about that happened in the past two weeks. 

Not the distant past (although those can bring on shame as well). But yesterday.

I can relate.

I have a few items that might be considered shame-worthy crossing my mind recently, too:
  • I just opened an envelope containing this piece of paper above. I have the money to pay this bill and have no idea what happened, I don’t remember ever receiving it. What do they think of me? Embarrassing.
  • I have three different events I want to attend including a memorial service, all of which require plane travel next summer. I feel bad about the cost and not sure what to do yet. I’m greedy if I do them all.
  • My husband paid for two nights at Cannon Beach, Oregon over the past two days and it’s very high for his salary as a preschool teacher–it was a gift but I keep feeling torn that I should contribute, but I also don’t want to. I’m so selfish.
  • I should put every extra penny into the plans and building of this second small cottage in our backyard which will be the final home for my mother. I have the secret thought she’s going to live until she’s 100 and I will never recuperate the cost or pay off the mortgage, and I should absolutely pay off the mortgage.
  • I need to leave my kids money, so I should just focus on work. I was too irresponsible and screwed up in my past life. I need to pay now.

I could probably find more.

 

And by the way, in the past one of the worst things I did with money is I shop-lifted when I was at college for no good reason, it seemed. I had the money. I resented having to count every penny and be so frugal and work as a waitress. So one day, I stole laundry detergent and toothpaste and other basics, and put the $20 back in my pocket for “fun”.

What I love about The Work, is if something feels and appears really, really true….and is really, really stressful…

….I can question it.

It’s that simple.

These stories and pictures flash through my head, and I can believe them, or question them.

I notice I like it much better when I question them. I love that I have that option in this lifetime. It’s an incredible option, and truly life-changing.

So let’s do The Work.

I thought the wrong way, did the wrong thing, acted selfishly with money….is that true?

Yes.

I should be completely free and “get” there’s no need to worry about money. I should pay attention and not be a flake with bills. I should be more clear, and generous, and relaxed. I shouldn’t complain. Jeez.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No. What’s the reality of it? I’m not always at ease when it comes to money. I make mistakes. I want to sneak spend on travel or education, when I think I should be saving. Sometimes I don’t want to share. I compare with others who did it “right” over many years and saved for retirement, which I did not.

No, I can’t know it’s absolutely true any of it should be different. It happened.

How do you react when you believe you screwed up, or you better be careful and watch out, or you shouldn’t spend or have a mortgage (which means “death” in French) or a Past Due notice?

I feel bad, bad, bad. Embarrassed. I imagine the way I would look if I was carefree and light and breezy and I think I should act like that.

I feel deeply apologetic.

So who would you be without this dreadfully stressful story of money and how bad I’ve been with it?

Wait.

You mean, NO THOUGHT of having been bad with money?

But that’s impossible. I have proof. (See above list, and that doesn’t include volumes of other examples I can surely find if I consider my entire life with money).

This is just a question, though. It’s wondering what it would feel like without believing in the absolute truth of this painful story?

This isn’t an invitation to enter the land of denial. It’s noticing who we’d be without the story entitled I Am Bad With Money, by Grace Bell. 

What if you were doing the best you could in every moment involving money? Would we do any less than the best we knew how, given the fear or trauma or confusion we’ve had about right, wrong, true, false, wounding, healing, enough, not enough?

Ahhhhhhh.

Without the story of money and me and all the angst of the past and the projection into the future….

….I’d relax. I’d be very present in this moment here, now.

I might even chuckle about the Past Due notice and how I received it a few hours after facilitating the money class today.

How nutty is that?

I’d notice I’m human. I’d notice how strange, and inexplicable and joyful and funny it is to be human.

I’d notice how comfortable I am, typing away here, drinking tea, looking at a whole bouquet of small orange roses from Valentine’s day still sitting in a vase of water on the table near me.

Turning the thoughts around:

I thought the right way, did the right thing, thought selfishly about my own mind (especially when it came to money). 

How could this be just as true? Well, when I believed money was required for happiness, fun and comfort, and that I couldn’t get enough of it or could lose what I already had….then my thinking matched this story of danger, worry and loss.

I did exactly the right thing that anyone would do who believed what I did about money. I sought protection, safety, rest. I was confused.

I should NOT be completely free with no need to worry about money. I should be a flake with bills. I should NOT be clear, and generous, and relaxed. I should complain. Jeez.

I could say so much about this turnaround. How terror, instead of pretending not to care about money, brought me to the deepest clarity I ever could have imagined. I finally asked for help. I questioned the worst case scenarios in my head. I got really open about my complaints. I stepped forward like I never knew I could to meet money. I started this powerful work in my life, with true sincerity.

Nothing made me do The Work like my relationship with money. Well, death, sickness and betrayal are up there near the very top, but the fear of not having enough money was stunning.

It showed me where I doubted the universe had my back, where I thought I was inadequate or undeserving, where I thought I needed to hold on for dear life or else I would suffer even MORE later on.

Who would you be without your story?

If money has given you it’s greatest support, being the way it is, what’s been great about the way it’s come and gone? What is it inviting forward in you?

What’s the BEST thing that could happen now, if everything that’s happened so far has been important to experience, for your own awakening?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I made a new Peace Talk 135 the other day, and it’s right here on itunes.

P.P.S. you can substitute anything or anyone you feel a troubling relationship with into this inquiry: mother, father, sister, brother, partner, boss, co-worker.

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All It Takes To Be Happy

Next in-person event: spring retreat May 16-20 in northeast Seattle at a lovely ornate old house with a hot tub and lush, gorgeous grounds. We walk, we meditate, we hear wisdom poetry, we do a whole lot of The Work and the time together is life-changingly precious.

For information please visit here. Room for a few folks to stay at the retreat house, please email and ask grace@workwithgrace.com.

ALSO facebook live on LOVE for Valentine’s Day. 8:00 am Pacific Time February 14th. What are your stressful love thoughts? Reply back to this email to let me know. We’ll do The Work on Wednesday right here.

The other day, I heard myself talking with a dear friend who also does The Work a lot and has attended the School for The Work.

She had heard I was teaching a money course right now, after a month on money in Year of Inquiry that came first, so practically 3 months altogether of facilitating, noticing, walking with our groups through inquiry on money.

It means I’m doing The Work on money myself. I’m remembering, catching different thoughts, sharing different memories and situations. I adore hearing everyone’s stories, or sticking points, or questions, or confusion.

When the inquirers share out loud, whether in the money course or in Year of Inquiry….

….they’re communication naturally inspires others. People don’t feel so alone.

And we sure can feel alone when it comes to money.

Remember the friend I just mentioned I was speaking with? I heard myself say to her “I’ll never retire, I’ll be working until the end of my days trying to pay off my mortgage and make sure I leave something to my children, after screwing around not earning for most of my life until ten years ago.”

It was like all of the sudden my words and tone were full of self-pity and victimish sinking down into the floor.

Ugh.

It went there so fast. Ba-Bam. Hear a story, pick it up and apply it to me immediately. Feel defeated.

It was from the power of comparison. ALL OF IT. 

I heard she got a huge raise, she was about to make her final mortgage payment so her house loan was all 100% paid back, and SHE was retiring in two years.

What?

She’s so lucky. I’ll never do that. I should have started earlier and cared about money more. I’m a loser. She’s a winner. Plus, her house is triple the size of mine.

LOL. Sigh.

Is it true?

Yes. Did you hear what she said? Only 3 more mortgage payments and she’s DONE WITH HER LOAN FOREVER.

Can you absolutely know it’s true she’s lucky, and this good fortune is because her house will be paid off soon?

Haha. No.

It’s kind of embarrassing.

I suddenly see my luck to even have a loan and a house and an amazing life working from home doing The Work and sharing with people in the first place. Money flows here and there and everywhere without judgment.

The mind thinks, the mind compares…and I can never know it’s true, honestly. Before this friend told me her details, I was happy. So some words and images entering my head brought the future into my imagination, and my heart sank.

What a wild, magnificent, chaotic, strange thing…believing a thought is.

And it’s not even true.

How do I react when I believe she’s got it made, she’s good with money, I am not?

Scared. Depressed. Lots of pictures of being old and unable to work. Angry at other people who didn’t show me a better way (those parents, partners, meanie friends).

How do I treat money when I believe it’s piling up somewhere else in greater amounts than over here with me?

Gulp.

I’m jilted by it. It doesn’t like me. I’m angry, resentful. Money, you mean nasty conniving friend! You two-faced volatile one! You’re not even nice to me! Stupid money!

(I think I’m about six years old in how I react–or maybe like a jealous pre-teen who wants to date the guy SHE is dating, and is MAD about him not choosing ME).

But who would I be without this heavy, stressful, agonizing story? Without the belief she is lucky with money, she is better off, I’m not liked as much by money, I must have done something wrong?

Who would I be without the belief that money likes her better, like I’m not as likable, not as loved, not claimed, not so wanted?

Ooooh, this is exciting to wonder about!

Without the belief that more money means I’m better off, or safer, or claimed, or honored or favored or loved?

Wow.

Who would I be without that belief?

Noticing the amazing, astonishing abundance around me.

Kitchen lights, colors, red carpet with gold flowers, brown leather purse, laptop, wall calendar, bookshelf, silver ring with sea blue stone, fridge, lamp, silence, wallet with cash inside, four coats in my closet and one draped over the couch, beautiful sound of friend’s voice telling of her joy and hand-clapping, noticing the celebration of life whether money is around or not around, cowboy boot string lights through the living room window.

Without my story, I’m so open to my friend’s phone conversation. I’m excited with her. I hear a person who feels loved and relieved and happy. She’s showing me what it’s like to feel this wonderful way. I’m in the presence of joy.

Turning the thought around:

“I’ll always retire, I’ll be playing until the end of my days paying off my mortgage and adore giving so much to my children. I played just the perfect amount and DID earn most of my life before ten years ago (jeez, that’s true).”

How could the story I have lived with money support me with perfection…no other alternate way possible?

First of all, the reality of it is the way it has been. And in this moment, right now with inquiry, the reality becomes different than my complaint about it.

It’s been perfect with work and money, because I get to meet all these incredible people and have the most intimate and beautiful, holy, sacred, honest, touching conversations with them. We share the most powerful communication in life–the things that bring us to our knees.

It’s perfect with money because I can see nothing more is required in this moment, except inquiry. I get to discover the brilliance that money, or someone else giving it to me, or something being zero-ed out (like a loan for a house) is not required for my own deepest happiness.

Wouldn’t I want to find out that peace is possible without money, or any person, or anything needing to change…including myself?

Astonishing.

It’s unconditional love. Truly un-conditional. No requests. No demands. No adjustments. No hopes. No wishes. No thinking to money, or to any relationship or to any part of life or reality “if you change, then I will be happy”. 

Such freedom, such freedom.

“It takes only one person to have a happy marriage, and that one is you.” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment, married to the silence, married to the news from my friend about her coming retirement (whatever that is), married to listening, married to money.

Married to reality.

Without my story….happy.

Much love,

Grace