I have a really close friend I met in 2005 at the Byron Katie School for The Work.
We’ve talked almost daily ever since.
Not exactly like the way you might think.
What we do is send voice messages to each other.
This leaves us room to listen when we can, even if it’s the next day or a few days go by, and respond when ready.
This just happened organically. We didn’t try to make it happen.
Something about it unfolded in this smooth way that works so beautifully.
However, it does make for a very interesting relationship….
….kind-of A.I.-ish before its time: we don’t hang out with each other physically.
We live thousands of miles apart.
(She did come to my wedding in 2012).
The other day, we were exchanging messages about The Voice.
No, not a show or a band.
The mean voice.
The one that shows up in your head that’s very, very harsh and can be downright violent.
Some psychologists label it “intrusive thought”.
My friend had noticed it after she spoke publicly.
“You shouldn’t have said that, you shouldn’t have opened your mouth, you should never speak in situations where many people are giving you attention, you need to improve yourself, there’s something broken about your brain.”
Long ago, I heard Byron Katie say something that caused my ears to perk up:
“Victims are vicious”.
No one wants be a “victim”.
And yet, what I had to admit was….when hearing that voice, it was acting like a perpetrator, very brutal and attacking.
Which left some other part of me a victim.
I used to have acutely around one topic in particular: my behaviors with food (although it would expand in a flash to just about any other behavior, it could find fault with anything).
When I ate a lot, or binge-ate, or grazed from one end of town to the other, or looked in the mirror, or thought about what I should or shouldn’t be eating, or had urges for junk food, I had a running voice that also said “you are lower than dirt, something’s really wrong with you, you need to get it together.”
It was bitter, focused, undiscerning.
So one of the very first things any of us can do, who experience an addictive/repetitive behavioral process of any kind, is to relax and recognize the presence of this aspect of living with mind.
What if it does NOT mean there’s something broken about your brain, just because it exists?
Yesterday, I heard the Voice talking in my own head about this recent webinar that had no slides, no script and no selling.
There is a desire within me to support people who suffer like I suffered and to help them move from that entrenched position. Or be a part of the journey that helps them get unstuck.
Can you absolutely know that this is true that you need to change, snap out of it, get over it, stop being who you are?
I can’t know it’s true.
How do you react when you believe you’ve got to change?
Now…who would you be WITHOUT that thought?
WHAT???!!!
But.
I’ve been trying to fix, adjust, improve or change myself when it comes to eating, feeling, thinking, acting for “x” years (long time)!
How could I NOT want change?
Try it on for a moment here now. Just right now. Relax without having a single drop of a future, or need to change.
Rest a moment.
Notice how connected you are to everything in your environment, sharing the air, the furniture, the space, the people (if there are any). Sharing your life with this thing called “food”, having a brain that thinks and a body that moves.
What would it really be like if you did not go to war with yourself to improve?
What if you did NOT have a broken brain?
What if that wasn’t even possible?
It can be exciting. Peacefully thrilling. Restful. Simple. Open. Mysterious.
It doesn’t mean there isn’t a profound curiosity at the way things move in this life, in the mind and the body.
Turning this belief around: I do not have to change. My thinking has to change–especially about the brain. Change has to come to “me”.
Could any of these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?
Yes. I can find how I am still alive, studying life and the world and myself in it and I’m not “done” even if some part of me believes I haven’t changed, or that I need to. I can notice life has its own timing. That even though I’ve eaten in crazy ways, I’ve also experienced joy, gratitude, peace and happiness here on earth.
Yes. I’m busy questioning my thinking. I’m learning by turning things around. I’m learning that what I’ve assumed to be true….often isn’t. Maybe always isn’t.
Yes. I can hold still and be open to transformation meeting me, not think of myself as needing to chase after it. I can make friends with life, my environment, my mind, my body, with food.
Love is here in the present. Here I am with all my imperfection, a human being, being lived.
“Seeking is arguing with what is.” ~ Salvadore Poe
Who would you be without your violent story, especially when it comes to eating, food, your feelings, your body?
Can you accept everything, including yourself, as it is for just for this moment, now?
Eating Peace Experience starts next week on Sunday, visit this page to learn more HERE. We have a lovely group. We will be doing a deep dive into exploring the voices that contribute to off-balance eating, thoughts of food, and emotions.
“When your heart is cheerful and at peace, it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do, whether you live or die. You can talk or stay silent, and it’s all the same. Some people think that silence is more spiritual than speech, that meditation or prayer brings you closer to God than watching television or taking out the garbage. That’s the story of separation…..You can’t let go of a stressful thoughts, because you didn’t create it in the first place. A thought just appears. You’re not doing it. You can’t let go of what you have no control over. Once you’ve questioned the thought, you don’t let go of it, it lets go of you. It no longer means what you thought it meant. The world changes, because the mind that projected it has changed. Your whole life changes, and you don’t even care, because you realize that you already have everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie
Have you had trouble with eating, food, body image, fretting about when, how, what, if you should eat?
I used to think something was deeply wrong with me.
Even if I didn’t overeat, graze eat, binge eat, panic-eat….I was obsessively thinking about how to avoid food and suppress my cravings and make sure I did NOT eat.
I hated being out of control, and I hated being in control.
Life just wasn’t easy with food.
(Really, it wasn’t easy with my thinking).
Years ago, I began sharing more about what I was like, what happened, and how my identity changed from “f*#&d up around food” to peaceful with food.
While I had done a lot of mind and feelings work of all kinds: therapy, est, context trainings, course in miracles, group therapy, Overeaters Anonymous….when I did The School for The Work with Byron Katie, something clicked for me about all I had ever been doing when it came to food and eating and the long, powerful journey it felt like I had been on with this impulse to either eat food or think about eating food.
It suddenly struck me one day that I had believed there wasn’t enough for me and I wasn’t safe with my own experience and emotions, and often my reaction was violence against myself in the form of self-defeating and self-critical thoughts.
I realized the urge to eat or avoid eating both came from a deep place of “something’s not right”.
Let’s just say, I had a suspicious relationship with reality and life. It looked unpredictable.
I thought of myself as unpredictable–and that this was a shame.
Over the years, investigating all the dynamics involved with eating food, I started sharing in these kinds of notes. I started talking on youtube (!) and I taught courses to guide people through this wild journey with compulsive behavior and uncover peace within.
People have told me what I share applies to all addictive thinking (not just food) and I get it.
It’s pretty true.
The process of becoming peaceful within starts with looking at the disturbance, but it doesn’t really matter what the disturbance actually is or how it looks when acted out.
Some of us feel a disturbance, and our habitual thinking moves to reach for food, or avoid it and start obsessing about it.
There’s almost always a flavor of negativity or fear about ourselves and who we are being, how we’re showing up, what we’re “doing”.
I happen to have years of experience in my own journey, and working with others, to end the battle with eating…..
…..but humans do nutty behavior with just about anything.
My study of this for several decades has given me some insight on my own recovery, and how others change from compulsive behaviors as well, whether it’s alcohol, drugs, shopping or eating.
This work of addressing something that looks like addiction is really about ending the addiction to thinking.
Yes, I said “addiction” to thinking.
What do I mean by that? Why would someone be addicted to thinking, of all things?
I mean how we trap ourselves in compulsive mental loops, trying ultimately to solve a problem, or to get away from our feelings…to numb ourselves, to distract ourselves, to escape the moment as quickly as possible.
I know not everyone expresses this with eating woes.
When you feel like you have to DO something (eat, drink, smoke, check your emails, stay on facebook, game, over-exercise, read, fix yourself)….
….are you afraid of what would happen if you didn’t take action?
What’s the worst that could happen if you hold still?
NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
(LOL).
Some of you might remember me telling my first meditation retreat story.
When I first went on a meditation retreat I thought I was being tortured by 1000 tiny ants hammering on my head and inside my skin.
I woke up every night at 2:30 or 3:00 am.
I was on a wooded wild mountaintop, with distant views of the Pacific ocean very far away (the same retreat center I’ll be teaching at in one month!–more about that later).
At night, there were no lights, and lemme tell you, not one view. Pitch dark.
I was sharing a room with a whole line-up of women all on cots, all sleeping. I would disturb them if I turned on any lights.
I realized I could only sneak out to the foyer, get a cup of tea in the wee hours, and stand there.
I was trapped!!! It was sheer torture!!!
I joke around, but we all know what was really disturbing me was not the silence, the stillness, or the lack of entertainment.
It was me facing my own inner life of thought.
My thoughts, my feelings, my awareness of the world.
It wasn’t exactly….good.
Who would you be without your beliefs about the dangers of life, or the dangers of this world, or the dangers of eating food, or the dangers of not eating food?
Who would you be without your escape behavior?
Who would you be if you took a very deep breath, and paused, and noticed your body and your environment without attacking it, or defending against it?
You might say: I don’t know who I’d be!
But not knowing feels somehow much better than KNOWING you are totally in danger, or that you’re a bad person (and so are others) or that this world is threatening.
So even though I don’t have all the answers, that’s for sure, I do notice something remarkable.
It’s OK to not know.
Right now, I’m entirely safe and quiet and peaceful, even while I’m typing these words.
You probably are too, if you’re reading this note.
Who might you be without the belief you’re in danger, or in trouble, or something’s wrong with you, or you’re very small and unworthy and the best way out of that troubling experience is to “do” something, grab something, eat something (whatever your thing is)?
I keep discovering that who I’d be is Not Acting Violent anymore with my eating, or anything else.
I question my thoughts, and everything else falls into place with balance.
“You cannot be nonviolent if there is any part of yourself that you are in opposition to. You are not truly serving if there is any part of yourself to which you will not extend compassion. Your love will always be conditional as long as you are excluding any part of yourself from it. Suffering cannot be healed through self-hate. Only through compassionate acceptance can suffering be healed. If we accept, if we open ourselves, life will transform us.” ~ Cheri Huber in There Is Nothing Wrong With You
Whatever your addictive thing is, even if it’s telling your troubling story about the world, you can slowly and gently unravel the knots that bind you.
Question your thinking, change your actions (eating, or anything).
You really can.
So I’m offering a very special Eating Peace Experience course for those who struggle with eating, food, weight, obsession about food….starting in only a few weeks on Sunday, August 3rd. It will run until November 9th.
Why is it extra special?
Because it’s on Sundays. I never usually offer courses on Sundays….but in looking at my schedule and all the events happening, it was the very best time. It may never happen again on Sundays.
If weekends work best for you, and you want to look at your relationship with food without violence, self-hatred, control, willpower or anger….this is the place to do it.
We meet from 10:30am-Noon Pacific Time/ 1:30pm-3pm Eastern Time/ 7:30pm-9pm Central European Time.
And here’s the deal: everyone enrolled in Eating Peace Experience will also get to join the EPIC eating peace inquiry circle and drop in to do The Work with the group twice a week (or listen to recordings) when you can.
This is an immersive high-touch program because we’re looking at altering our identification with eating as a soother to fear, with eating as a response to compulsive thinking.
We’re digging down into the depth to look at our urges to be violent, to put up shields, to grab and feel our survival is threatened.
But it’s only the survival of our thinking.
I loved everything I learned in Grace’s Eating Peace class. I continue to learn from the deceptively simple tools and jewels. More and more I discover the Life Beyond the Suffering around food. And If I forget, there’s always another chance to remember. Like each time I choose to eat. I’m choosing peace more and more often. Thanks, Grace! ~ Oregon, US
Grace is like the fairy godmother who is objectively and lovingly looking at what’s going on in behavior, thoughts and feelings. The content of the class felt comprehensive and well thought out. I would certainly recommend the course. Thank you. ~ Toronto, CA
Eating Peace Experience is a program I put my heart and soul into and continue to create and re-create with some key underlying principles at the foundation.
We work with behavior design, specifically co-created for you so that it’s safe for your unique situation. We question thoughts that keep us from feeling free with eating and food.
This program combines The Work of Byron Katie and self-inquiry with other angles to healing emotional eating. We address parts of ourselves, using Internal Family Systems work, we draw from many of the prominent and wise addiction theorists who have helped shape treatments for people who are suffering.
We are held up by thought leaders and spiritual teachers you’ve probably already explored and learned from.
We mostly look to ourselves, to find our own inner wisdom already present.
If you’d like to read more about it, visit this page HERE.
REPEATERS: Have you taken Eating Peace Experience before and ready for a tune-up, or to take yourself to the next chapter of your journey? Please hit reply and ask for the repeater code for $500 discount.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Mount Madonna Retreat is exactly one month away. Reports are that it’s been a wonderful summer at the center and I can’t wait to be back in this beautiful setting to do The Work with you. Vincent Santos will be leading gentle yoga before breakfast and after dinner each day exclusively for our retreat participants, and we’ll be diving into The Work together all day long. Ready for a getaway? Join us here.
Ever feel like secretly you are BEGGING the universe, other people, an event, you yourself….to provide you with something you deeply and repetitively seem to want?
Lordy.
I say that with a sigh because of the persistence of this mind to come up with various angles on the same themes:
I want more money. I would be so happy. I would feel so generous. I would have so much less anxiety and so much more safety, fun, fulfillment.
I want more love. I would be so happy. I would feel so joyful. I would have so much less anxiety and so much more safety, satisfaction, fun.
I want more physical or emotional space. I would be so happy. I would have creative energy. I would feel generous. I would have less self-pity and more abundance.
I want more success. I would be so happy. I would feel so fulfilled. I would have pride (the good kind) and feel assurance.
It really does bring home that anything we believe we want more of in our lives generally points to the same thing: that getting this would bring happiness.
This goes even for things we don’t always love, like overeating or smoking or taking drugs.
In the split second of moving towards that experience, we feel like we’ll get a little happiness for a second from the taste of the food, the relaxation of the alcohol’s effect on the mind, the relief from the craving.
When we’re engaging in all this Wanting More, it sure does make our current condition look bad, doesn’t it?
This current state of my life, in this particular department (money, relationships, business, etc) is Not Good.
I have proof.
Those people over there are much happier. I myself used to be happier. That other time/place/experience is BETTER.
This is bad, here.
There’s an absence of the thing I want, here.
What happens when we believe this is true?
(And it sure happens fast).
We feel sad, we chase down the thing wanted like we’re on fire, we beg.
Please, please, please…..could I just win a billion dollars?
Please, please, please……could the perfect mate show up tomorrow?
Please, oh please…..could my business make a bigger difference to more people?
Who would you be without the story of begging?
I mean, what if I just stopped the begging and let things be the way they are in this moment, this situation, without pushing and pulling every which way?
I like seeing that sitting still doesn’t mean I’m never going to want anything again.
I mean, I’ll probably be thirsty in a few hours for water!
It’s the way of it.
But to question the mind’s orientation for MORE is so freeing, so exciting.
Thoughts don’t have to the be the Truth.
We can notice the thought-chain that keeps on ticking, and it’s not who we are.
We are the ones watching, hearing thought, watching it perceive the world, while something here within ourselves is silent.
We *think* we always want to be MORE of ourselves, or have more for ourselves, but that’s just thought, too. Isn’t it?
What if we’re enough already.
We are as much as we could ever be. This is it.
If you’re having trouble with money or relationships as the “more” thing your mind is endlessly talking about, and you’d like the relief and freedom of questioning your story with money, or your story about love….
….the best way I’ve ever found is in The Work of Byron Katie.
Living With Money is a course that brings us a way to identify what it is we’re thinking that hurts, like the broken record “I want more money”, and allows us to see a new way to be with money and live with it peacefully.
Live sessions to accompany this course begin on January 11th and will run every Wednesday at 9:30am PT through February 15th. Sign up now for the course and begin–and bring your questions to our live calls.
What we often notice is when it’s OK to be right where we are, things start to get easier all on their own.
Same with an important relationship in your life you might want to bring to inquiry: lover, spouse, mother, father, sister, brother, boss, co-worker.
Relationship retreat is a 4 day blitz Feb 2-5, for 3 hours each day. You will do The Work with a small group, on any stressful relationship in your life.
When you question your beliefs about your relationship, you change on the inside, and you can then be clearer, know what to do next, act with kindness and strength and possibility, and end your war with What Is.
Register for Valentine Relationships Retreat Feb 2-5 HERE.
Much love,
Grace
Upcoming ways to question your thinking, change your world:
Online annual Valentine retreat on relationships of any kind 8-11am PT daily Feb 2-5 with Nadine Ferris-France and Grace Bell Sliding Scale $275+
Everyone wanting to join an ongoing group for investigating compulsion around eating, food, body image with The Work of Byron Katie….Eating Peace Inquiry Circle meets Tuesdays 5pm PT and Thursdays 10am PT. Come to just one, or both, or watch/listen to the recordings. We have deep and awesome inquiry work happening. Join month-to-month sliding scale.
Year of Inquiry opens its doors in January only for those who want to join us the rest of the year.
How in the heck can I do more of this inquiry work?
Or really, the true question for many (for me) was: How can I just have this thing downloaded into my brain and “get” it? And stop feeling bad?
I want peace! ASAP!
That’s what I thought when I read Loving What Is by Byron Katie, and couldn’t figure out how to really “do” The Work on my own, in my house, on my couch.
I’m an introvert! I don’t want to have to go places, join things, go to a school, take a course….waaaaaah.
Can’t this be easier?
Well.
I’ve learned something about myself as I’ve spent time in this beautiful process called questioning the mind.
It doesn’t work so much in a vacuum.
Knocking around in your own mind can be quite interesting, and yes, it can bring insight….but it’s 100 times more powerful when done with other people.
Even for introverts who like the solitary.
Maybe especially for introverts.
Those who believe they don’t like groups, just know, neither–I thought–did I.
However, they saved and changed my life.
All folks, introverted or extraverted (if you even believe in those labels) might have times where they believe people are scary, shady, untrustworthy.
The thought that there was something powerful to learn through inquiry became more important than staying home in my safe place.
So off I flew to the School for The Work.
But I gotta admit.
I chose middle rows, not too far to the front, and maybe even sometimes the back. Waaaay back.
I didn’t “turn to my neighbor” to share unless directed explicitly to do so.
And still, the burr of self-inquiry got into me.
I was an entirely changed person leaving that school. The feeling was magnificent.
The tool has never left, and expanded and broadened and gotten more vibrant over time.
Yes, things I’ve thought of as HORRIBLE have occurred in my life.
Don’t get me started.
And yet, I can hold life as the most fascinating, magnificent experience in every moment–especially those wildly difficult ones.
Especially.
So let’s do The Work again, friends. Let’s imagine and un-think and then feel and un-feel, then return to who we are without our stories.
We were this all along.
Mysterious, wild. Heart-broken, present. Willing. Looking forward to everything that happens.
Upcoming events:
*FIRST FRIDAY! Wheee! This is a completely no-fee inquiry session for anyone and everyone gathering on zoom. Come with video on or off. I won’t call on you. LOL. You’re safe. 7:45-9:15am Pacific Time. Connect here tomorrow from your timezone wherever you are by clicking HERE. Passcode “isittrue?” (don’t forget the question mark).
*Spring Retreat: Thurs 3/25-Sun 3/28 9:00am-12:30pm each day except Saturday 8:00am-9:30am followed by optional dancing online from 10:15am-11:45am. All Pacific Time. Learn more here.
*Eating Peace Inquiry Circle ongoing Membership starting April 1st. Healing at the level of mind for those suffering from compulsive behavior with food, eating or body image/weight. Live sessions, private online forum. Learn more here.
*Eating Peace Immersion Retreat April 26-May 2, 2021. Read about retreat here.
Oh I am having fun with all the last-minute shuffling for retreat starting tomorrow.
For those of you contemplating: we meet only 3 hours from 9am-Noon Pacific Time tomorrow on Thursday, on Friday and on Sunday…and afternoon from 2-5 this Saturday (dancing Saturday morning for those who want–all online, yes).
(Those of you needing it can watch the Saturday recording instead of attending live).
Pay-from-the-heart sliding scale to join. You get to pick what works for you financially right now.
If you’ve got curiosity for The Work, are brand new or have lots of experience, you’ll get to identify a situation you find objectionable in your life….and transform it by asking four questions and finding turnarounds.
If you think that’s not possible….this is a good time to experiment and see.
In the Year of Inquiry group yesterday, we looked at a stressful thought about other people: “they have it better”.
Many of us think those other people have it “better”.
What a fabulous contemplation.
I’ll never forget walking on the sidewalk not so far from my little cottage on foot, staring at the big gorgeous houses lined up along Lake Washington.
My hands were in my pockets in tight fists.
These home-dwellers must have done something right.
Why did THEY get to have big houses, all lit up with fall and Halloween decorations, full of happy people (all of them probably in happy relationships–I was navigating a divorce)?
What did I do wrong?
I love the questions: What’s your proof that they have it better? How do you know?
Those people have:
money to trade for anything wanted
possessions or pretty things owned, acquired, gathered around
body health, appearance, strength, youth
freedom to do whatever you want with your time
not having to “do” something like work at a job, clean the house, take out the garbage
no physical pain, no disease, no problems
winning
status: great job, leadership, importance
being the president or the biggest boss of all time
attaining enlightenment, peace, wisdom
We have the top hits of what “better” looks like.
Wealth, Love, Enlightenment, Health.
Isn’t it funny how we see it in a glimpse, meet someone, notice their surroundings, imagine their experience, envision their joy or power or wealth or success….
….and sometimes that tricky rabbit (mind) says “OMG that’s better than this, than me!”
How do you react when you think it, when you compare?
Sad. Despairing. Sorry.
What I noticed as I sat doing this work with our Year of Inquiry group is a lot of back-tracking in the mind, when believing this thought that Those People have it better.
“If only I had decided age 25 to go to Med School…” or “if only I had never fallen in love with that man!”…or “if only I hadn’t gone to Italy”…”if only I had sent my kid to that other school”….
Lots of “if-only” thinking, wishing we had done something different.
The mind is amazing how it can go backwards in time and offer suggestions on how you might have done it differently.
LOL.
So who would you be without the belief “they have it better”?
Ask this question in just one of the situations you’ve noticed when you thought this.
Standing on that quiet sidewalk so many years ago, who would I be without the thought?
Breathing a deep breath of fresh fall air. Noticing fallen leaves glistening in the street.
Feeling something here, without thought. Being. Alive.
Noticing that truly, truly, observing a wide street with houses means nothing….in a wonderful way.
No better, no worse possible.
Here-ness is all.
Buzzing, humming here-ness. Joy.
No extra step needed, nothing from the environment, no “things” like money, no health, no body, no status, no winning, nothing special required.
Here is here.
Nothing was needed to get to it–except perhaps four questions.
Turning it around: This is better. This is it. There is no better or worse except in thought. Only my mind imagines “better” over there (or “worse” over there, for that matter).
Ahhhhhh…..
Thinking Like A Butterfly
Monday I was told I was good.
I felt relieved.
Tuesday I was ignored.
I felt invisible.
Wednesday I was snapped at.
I began to doubt myself.
On Thursday I was rejected.
Now I was afraid.
On Saturday I was thanked
for being me. My soul relaxed.
On Sunday I was left alone
till the part of me that can’t
be influenced grew tired of
submitting and resisting.
Monday I was told I was good.
By Tuesday I got off the wheel.
We’ll share sacred poetry and inspiring quotes, do our work together, wonder out loud who we are without our thinking.
October 17-20, 2019. Autumn east coast retreat! Early bird by August 15th. We have a magnificent Amish style lodge a few miles from the pretty town of White Haven, Pennsylvania (I was there a month ago). Private rooms available, along with many beds in lofts and open spaces. Sign up here to reserve your spot and write grace@workwithgrace.com to choose your sleeping space. We’ll share meals.
If you’ve got divorcing/breaking-up stories or divorced/broken-up stories or what-other-people-think-about-my divorce/break-up stories…let’s do The Work eight Sundays Aug 18-Oct 13, 2019 online live course Divorce/Breaking Up Is Hell: Is It True?
Finally, I’ll be offering again the immersion online course (90 mins) Ten Barriers That Keep The Work From Working…And How To Dissolve Them 6 times more this summer! This is a deep dive into common blocks people bump into doing The Work, and then information and answering your questions about Year of Inquiry at the end. Sign up to reserve your space here.
Weds, July 24 2019 4:00-5:30 pm PT/7:00-8:30 pm ET/ 8:00-9:30 am Japan
Thursday, August 1 Noon-1:30 pm PT/ 3:00-4:30 pm ET/ 8:00-9:30 pm UK
Tues, August 20 5:30-7:00 pm PT/ 8:30-10:00 pm ET/ 11:00 Australian Central Time on 8/21
Thurs, August 22 9:00-10:30 am PT/ Noon-1:30 pm ET/ 6:00-7:30 pm Europe
Tues, August 27 5:30-7:00 pm PT/ 8:30-10:00 pm ET/ 11:00am Australian Central on Weds 8/28
Friday, August 30 9:00-10:30 am PT/ Noon-1:30 pm ET/ 6:00-7:30 pm Europe
The other day, I had the privilege of sitting in inquiry yet again with a group (it happened to be Summer Camp For The Mind).
The thought we were all looking at, offered by one of the people attending?
“I can’t do it.”
How many times have I had that thought?
Countless.
I can’t reproduce the joy I felt recently. I can’t make something stick (happiness, a relationship, a job), I can’t stop over-eating. I can’t stop being selfish. I can’t control my temper. I can’t talk to her. I can’t ask for a raise. I can’t ask for help. I can’t bring that difficult topic up to my partner, I can’t ask my child about that. I can’t be normal. I can’t tell a joke. I can’t handle this fear. I can’t make enough money. I can’t help that person. I can’t read all the good books in this one lifetime. I can’t lighten up. I can’t feel freedom and safety at all times. I can’t leave a legacy. I can’t control my feelings. I can’t awaken.
The thing I notice about pain and suffering that goes along with “I can’t” is that it seems only to arise when I’m comparing my situation to another previous situation in the past, or an imagined situation in the future, or when I’m comparing myself to someone else.
My good friend Lynne who I met at our first School for The Work says “comparison is the thief of joy”. I know that quote makes it rounds out there, but oh my comparison.
What a thief it can be.
And yet, the mind is genius at comparison.
So what am I supposed to do? Forget what happened last week, last year, ten years ago? Not notice the success or brilliance of someone else?
Too late, we notice.
But what we believe about the noticing, identifying what we’ve assumed it means, and my interpretation of the thing I noticed….that’s the key.
It happens so fast.
Once I came into a house through the front door where I was staying, sweating but chilled in my face after slowly jogging through the wintry streets of the city where I was staying one morning.
A woman, sitting in a cozy chair in the living room, looked up from her cup of coffee and said “Oh, you went running? Shoot, I should have been out there” and she sighed as if incredibly disappointed with herself.
Before she saw me, she was happily enjoying coffee with other friends all staying together. In an instant, the moment wasn’t good enough. SHE wasn’t good enough.
I often have people consider this belief “I can’t” who are in the Eating Peace program. You might consider this thought when it comes to any change of your own behavior, like eating, drinking, smoking, spending, obsessing, worrying.
You can’t (fill in the blank)….Is it true?
Let’s do it together.
My situation that I believe “I can’t” around is earning “enough” money.
I know, I know. I’ve done this one a thousand times already. I know I have “enough”. But I can’t earn MORE than enough, OK? It’s just not appearing to be possible. I can’t buy a new car, for example. And mine is rattling down the road and I’m a little embarrassed to give anyone a ride (although not really).
But you find your “I can’t….” that feels stressful, and maybe even terrifying.
Is it absolutely true?
You might answer yes.
It’s OK, keep going.
What happens when you think you can’t?
Wishing I’d go back to the other days when I could, or I wasn’t worried about this. Hoping for a miracle (and thinking a miracle is the only way). Not in the present moment. Flashing images of worse case scenarios.
Freaking myself out.
Without the belief, who would you be?
Without the belief “I can’t….” (for me, earn more than just enough)…
Noticing the beauty in the moment:
The soft chair, the quiet room, the trees waving in the breeze, the sidewalk and storefront with sun trying to peek from behind a cloud, the yellow glass candle holder on the railing.
Without the thought “I can’t” I’m here in inquiry, with other voices, sharing the process. I’m speaking. I’m feeling. There’s a life force here, running. Mixed feelings, and all is still very well, all is in motion.
Everything in motion.
This one being itself, that one being itself, everything being itself.
Turning it around: I can. My thinking can’t.
I can reproduce the joy I felt recently. I can make something stick (happiness, a relationship, a job), I can stop over-eating. I can stop being selfish. I can control my temper. I can talk to her. I can ask for a raise. I can ask for help. I can bring that difficult topic up to my partner, I can ask my child about that. I can be normal. I can tell a joke. I can handle this fear. I can make enough money. I can help that person. I can read all the good books I personally need to read in this one lifetime. I can lighten up. I can feel freedom and safety at all times. I can leave a legacy. I can control my feelings. I can awaken.
Why not?
Even if it’s in my imagination, the original stressful thought is also imagination.
So let’s have a little fun with imagination, shall we?
“A thought is harmless until we believe it.” ~ Byron Katie
The Work of Byron Katie cleans the window–your interpretation of everything. Learn about doing The Work together for a year and making clean screens a part of your life, by clicking the photo.
Have you ever heard of the Marshmallow Experiment?
I’ve heard it referred to it so many times, but just in case you haven’t, it’s the one where researchers interested in human behavior and personality worked with children to study self-control and how we’re interpreting situations as humans.
An adult (the researcher) would give a child a marshmallow or cookie on a plate, and tell the child they could eat it now, or, if they waited a little while, they’d get two. Then the adult would leave the room and the cameras would role.
Most kids would try to distract themselves, look away, stare at the door, appear anxious or worked up about the treat on the plate…then gobble up the marshmallow. The research would measure how long kids waited, and analyze the internal struggle that appeared to be happening.
The primary scientist so interested in this work was Walter Mischel. He first conducted the Marshmallow Experiment in 1960.
I always thought the outcome showed that humans from the very early years have clear personalities or tendencies to consider before they act….or not so much. They follow their impulses, or do what the one in authority says and resist.
But the other day, I found out it was NOT that simple. In fact, the conclusion suggesting we have clear personality traits is totally FALSE.
We’ve all heard of the terms “nature vs nurture”. They describe the two biggest influences on human life very simplified:
Nature is how we’re hooked up from birth, our DNA, the influences genetically from the people who lived before us, biochemistry, brain chemistry, our inherent personality.
If there’s such a thing as personality. More on that in a second.
Nurture is how we’re cared for, attended to, loved, neglected, seen, encouraged, supported (or not) but probably far more than all these, what we observe and experience as we grow and live.
I suppose we could have the most easy-going open and humorous “personality” in the world, but if huge traumatic events occurred in our lives….we’d be affected big time.
We might start closing down and be less inclined to be excited or happy about life.
Or, we could have a quiet, shy, even anxious personality from the start, and experience a huge challenge of some kind that we wind up surviving….
….and somehow this might bring us awareness of adversity, hardship, death and destruction in a way that makes us fearless, and very strong.
There are a lot of really amazing stories about people living life one way, then making dramatic changes and coming out different than anyone ever expected.
So back to this Marshmallow Experiment and the thing I found out that made it completely different than what I had thought for all these years since I first learned about it in grad school over 20 years ago.
During the experiment, with some kids, Mischel would speak differently about the marshmallow. He’d give them a tiny tip, a small idea or suggestion, or some little encouragement about waiting instead of struggling or immediately eating the marshmallow.
“Just pretend the marshmallow is a picture, and it’s not a REAL marshmallow. It’s not really there!”
The child would then wait far, far longer before eating it.
In fact, the vast majority of children in Mischel’s studies delayed gratification when they had this little suggestion offering of using their imagination given to them. They had a totally different approach and interpretation.
Holy Moly.
I always thought that experiment was about showing how much self-control and/or fear a child had, how willing or able they were to follow orders and overcome their cravings.
But it was really about how a small reframe of a situation could have dramatic results.
The research by Mischel kept proving over time, apparently, that people are very, very flexible and highly influenced by their environment and interactions.
In fact, they might not even have this thing called a “personality” always intact. In some situations, people are honest, kind and generous or have self-control, and in others they aren’t.
The slightest comment, look, interruption or suggestion can make a huge difference on the way we see a situation, and the way we behave.
Our interpretation of what’s happening creates our response to it.
This might seem like an obvious “well, duh!”
But I was sooooo very intrigued.
Because this may point to how and why The Work works so well when we sit with our answers to the four questions, when it comes to reviewing situations we’ve experienced.
Something happens.
We’re immediately thinking “Hmmm, I don’t like that” or “I need to worry about this” or “I love this” or “I don’t ever want this to happen again” or “I need to make this happen again because without it happening life is worse, or not as good”.
I’ve felt it a gazillion times: I like that. I don’t like this.
The mind is assessing and logging what it likes or doesn’t like all day long, it seems.
So with The Work, we turn to the situations on our lists from any time we felt threatened, disturbed, irritated, sad, or any time we were hurt or tricked or betrayed. Any time we lost something….we’ve made a note of it internally.
With The Work, we get to revisit these scenes as they occur to us, or as things happen where we have reactions, and we question our interpretations.
It’s like with our inquiry and our situations and memories, we’re the adult researcher saying to our little internal child “what if it isn’t real?”
Because here’s the thing: Right now in this moment, it isn’t.
It doesn’t mean you’re crazy or wrong, it only means our interpretation may not be complete, or healthy, or loving. It doesn’t necessarily serve us.
The past happened, and now it’s over….but even more importantly, we’ve got a limited interpretation of the situation. We aren’t ever able to see the whole entire picture, only our quick snapshot of that experience in time. We tend to feel like victims of that experience.
With The Work, one concept at a time, we get to contemplate other possibilities. Did we miss something?
Now that we’re all grown up, we get to hold that inner child and offer it some understanding, humor, awareness.
I get to ask “Are you sure that situation was totally intolerable? Are you safe now? Are you sure you lost what you think you lost?” or “Do you really need that marshmallow in order to be happy? Are you positive it’s real?”
LOL.
And when something like this is seen and grasped, then without any instructions or even trying to be positive or to NOT let something bother you….things begin to change in the way we react and respond in our daily lives.
Change just happens. All on its own. We wait much longer before immediately reacting. We feel kinder, less triggered.
Mischel wrote extensively about human behavior. He said that based on his lifetime of research about personality and how we experience life, the beliefs, expectations, and assumptions we’ve taken in from our culture, family, and friends is gigantic.
These become our filters for how we see reality.
This mind, making its interpretations so speedy quick, actually becomes a filter for everything we encounter. This mind tells us how we feel about everything.
Which really does mean, our minds are the screening device for how we see the world, how we encounter life….
….so naturally this also means when our minds or interpretations change, then how we feel changes, and how we act changes.
Our personality changes. We become different people than who we’ve been before.
Our paths unfold in new, different ways.
I see this all the time when I work with people in regular practice in The Work. They used to be tortured by the past, and now, they’re grateful.
It’s astonishing and inspiring.
Mostly, I’ve seen this kind of change long-term in myself as I’ve watched the years go by, especially once I became so interested in self-inquiry and opening up to new interpretations, ideas or thoughts about life.
I used to have tendencies to react with suspicion, nervousness, overly-nice, cautious, uncomfortable with strong emotion, forgetting to care for myself in the presence of other people (even my own children who I adored), indecision, seeing dramatic and scary futures, remembering difficulties in the past.
Now, it seems the tendencies have deeply and dramatically changed, and I’m still working on what’s left and still learning so much.
But I am a completely different person.
That woman (with The Work you can even question the interpretation of being a “woman” if you want) who was anxious, addicted, and trying to act like a good person all the time….is mostly gone. Or what was once deep dark red is now pale pink.
I’m not trying to get rid of her or make sure she doesn’t come back. She’s just not here anymore.
Sure, I have some of the same coloring or “personality” of that one who lived before. I tend to be overly-flexible sometimes or like I’m going to miss something if I say “no” or when I hear a very difficult traumatic story, my heart opens with the suffering and I might cry.
I also see both the worst and the best that could happen, and crack myself up at the drama of how quick the mind goes to the “worst”.
But the question arises almost immediately “is it true?”
I see that I simply don’t have the full and complete answer and probably never will, and that life is lighter without set and solid answers.
The most wonderful thing about doing The Work, or this deep form of self-inquiry, is that I’m not hunting for someone else’s answers, I’m finding my own flexible ones.
When I do The Work, new options naturally enter my world in the form of experts, practitioners, influencers, connections, advice and fun.
I’m not doing this all alone in a bubble based on old influences from the past….but opening up to new possibilities today, in the present moment.
Who knows what amazing change can happen, starting NOW, by questioning the stressful idea that might be present for me?
Who would I be without my story, my interpretation, my mental filter?
On a wide open road in a brilliant spacious moment.
Testing new ideas, living some of my turnarounds, changing my behaviors, trying new things.
The way movement and change has occurred for me clearly in my life is to challenge my interpretations. This doesn’t appear to come easily.
I had to get help from others, my thinking was so murky and unclear. Like a fogged up mirror in the bathroom–I couldn’t even see myself at all!
Questioning my thoughts with other people has made all the difference. I can sit down and do The Work, but there’s nothing like sharing it and connecting with other humans to see if I’ve missed something.
The result has been one of small, tiny, sometimes bigger, significant, steady change.
The other day I heard Byron Katie speak on a recording that “we can shoot for the moon” when we have inquiry as a companion. We’re not frightened of accomplishment, we’re not scared of facing something new, or telling the truth.
A lovely group is forming to share self-inquiry as a practice this upcoming year, in steady continued investigation of our stories, together.
It’s called Year of Inquiry.
A time to stick with this process of dissolving the filters and stories, instead of trying to find a different shiny new way somewhere else.
We do The Work, and un-do our previously built stories or interpretations and change the filter. Or, the filter naturally winds up changing.
Who knows what happens when we have a kind adult voice saying “Are you sure that’s real? Are you sure you’re looking at it in a way that serves you? Could you see it differently?”
This upcoming week is Orientation Week and we’ll begin our inquiry calls the following week.
People have been writing with a ton of questions about how the program calls are set up, the schedule, the expectations.
You can read about it here, but what I’ll say in a nutshell is we gather almost-weekly all year for 90 minute inquiry calls together as a group, you’ll have partners all year twice a week to connect with other human beings, we’ll look closely at a different topic every single month that typically produces lots of stress for people, and we’ll grow.
We change.
We don’t have to argue with What Is anymore. We know when something is stressful for us, we suffer. We move away from, or naturally expand, our interpretation of events to something bigger, wider, and usually more joyful.
“There has been so much happen this year that I wouldn’t had dealt with anywhere near as well. I am amazed at the peace that abides with me. Oh Grace, I am so grateful for your work in this world. Had you not been so clear, peaceful, real, and provided the safe space you did, I could not have dared do all this work. It is now part of my life.” ~ YOI participant 2017-2018
The first two months, you can test it out after you join, so you don’t have to fully commit until November 1st.
I couldn’t do this work alone–some can and that’s absolutely awesome.
But if you need the structure and guidance, I’d love to have you be in the tribe of us who’ll be living with this inquiry and watching our filters get cleaner and brighter over time.
Enroll here. If you head to this page, there will be a recorded presentation at the top about every detail of the program you can watch (60 minutes) and fast forward through any piece of it. There are slides to make it easy (it’s a webinar). If you’re ready to join, scroll down until you see the registration links.
When you sign up, I’ll get a personal email and write you back within 24 hours to welcome you and get our first solo session scheduled.
Have you ever noticed the deep self-criticism (or self-pride) you might feel because you’re full, or you’re hungry?
Fullness and hunger are two states of physical sensation when it comes to eating and the body.
Some of us who have pushed the boundaries super far on these conditions have felt the pain….of both extremely stuffed with food, or extremely hungry for food.
We all know we’d like to avoid either extreme. It’s natural to want to be somewhere more in the middle, and more relaxed. If it was easy to simply remain in the middle, without swinging to extremes, we would.
Something about this isn’t easy, when it gets thrown off balance.
One way you can find some insights on your own beliefs about these states of sensation, is to judge them relentlessly. See what you really believe about yourself when you’re super hungry, or super full (or about anyone else when they are).
What does fullness mean about you, as a person? (It’s often really horrible, but sometimes good, I know).
What does hunger mean about you, as a person? (Also horrible, but sometimes good, for other reasons).
When you identify your most painful thoughts about either one of these conditions, you might find some surprising beliefs come forward into awareness.
The good news, is you can then question these thoughts using The Work of Byron Katie.
Is it true, for example, that you’re “good” when you’re hungry, and “bad” when you’re full?
Really consider it. I used to “know” it wasn’t true, but I’d act completely like it was, and something believed it at a very deep level.
Who would you be without your story, your judgment, your assessment, your belief?
There’s great freedom in wondering who you’d be without your story of hunger and fullness. You might get to experience these sensations like you’re feeling them for the very first time. Like they are sacred, interesting messages, worthy of paying attention to….over the mind’s thoughts to ignore them.
In the moment we begin craving, we start believing “I have to eat”.
It could even be we have the thought “I have to eat” out of constant repetitive habit of doing this in the past….and then we begin to crave eating.
The craving gets bigger.
Then, it feels the only way to end this horrible craving, is to eat.
I’m against the craving! I hate the craving! I must end it, overpower it, switch the channel.
Self-inquiry at a very deep level is one way you’ll truly meet your craving, your compulsion to eat.
So let’s do it today. I share the process of inquiry here on this simple and very stressful thought “I have to eat!” (You can substitute anything here, for the word “eat”).
Turnaround Three: I have to inquire.
What else is the mind thinking, what other underlying beliefs are present in your experience of sharing the world with food and a body that eats? What are you afraid of? Or sad about?
These are other beautiful questions that appear under the thought “I have to eat”. The awareness of disturbed feelings under the surface that just want a little comfort.
Inquiry will comfort them more than food. Really! Find out for yourself.
You Binged. Overate. Stuffed yourself slowly at a big party, with junk. Maybe you had seconds when one helping would have been plenty.
You find yourself in the place, maybe for the billionth time (you think), of having hurt yourself through eating, food, or compulsive behavior.
The usual results, the aftermath of a binge, is some form of violent thinking towards the self. The mind says ?You screwed up, you did it wrong. You’re a mess”.
You sinned, you’re guilty, you deserve to be punished.
Then, the feelings of despair, confusion, and being waaaaay too small for this overwhelming problem become even bigger.
You feel even worse.
Maybe you think “why even bother trying?”
The cycle of violence around either controlling yourself, attacking yourself, punishing yourself makes you feel so horrible.
There are two things, very simple, that you can do if you’ve found yourself coming to after a binge, even if you’ve done it many times before.
First, give yourself some kindness for how frightened, powerless, empty or nervous you’ve been. Find some gentleness in your heart for being you. Soften to who you are.
Your eating comes out of disrupted emotions, at least mine sure did. Or some kind of emotional experiences I didn’t like.
Second, wait 24 hours. Don’t make plans, build up your army against your cravings, or do anything. Just get quiet, relax and slow down. Don’t binge eat or go off the food that works for you for 24 hours. You’ll feel so much better tomorrow. Everything can be different by taking a deep breath and waiting a day.
Year of Inquiry opens its doors in January only for those who want to join us the rest of the year.
