Month: April 2017

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May Day! May Day! Let’s End Our Parenting Wars!

Wednesday we’ll begin the treat of working together for 3 weekly sessions on parenting for any of you wanting to look directly at our worst moments with our kids. We meet 10:00 am-11:30 am Pacific Time. Sign up at the link at the end of this Grace Note.

You can’t clear it all up in 3 sessions, that would be unlikely….but you can apply the sharp tools to sit with what troubles you most deeply about your child, and take your very stressful beliefs about your child through this profound questioning process we know as The Work.

And it may be simpler than you think.

Long ago, when my kids were young I noticed one of them in particular was driving me bonkers.

I’d get so surprised by her blunt comments. I’d say something like “lets go to x movie tonight” and she’d reply “I would NEVER see that movie, are you kidding me?!”

I had a gigantic belief that she shouldn’t be rude (and this definitely was rude). She should respect me. She should respond to what I said. She should want to spend time with me.

I remember once reading a book out loud, and she got up out of the bed we were lying on together, crawled over me, and left the room.

When I asked her, as I heard her feet patter down the hall, where she was going, she called over her shoulder “Oh, keep reading, I’ll be back in a minute!”

It was hilarious.

I thought she should be captured by every word and not want to miss a single thing I said out loud. But her mind didn’t think that way.

She wasn’t like me (gasp)!

Sometimes, people think that if you question thoughts about your kids needing to love your suggestions, or mind you, or respect you, or not talk back….

….that you’ll become passive and vacant and have no inner authority and you’ll turn into a marshmallow parent (gushy sweet with no clear boundaries).

But that’s not what happened for me at all.

I found, when I questioned the beliefs, one at a time that “my daughter should like my suggestions, never be rude, and speak to me respectfully”….

….it was amazing to sit with who I would be without these thoughts.

It did NOT mean to do nothing. I was still moved to interact with her at an intimate, caring level.

I noticed when I believed these thoughts, and she said “no” to me, I had a hissy fit. I was actually fighting with a 9 year old.

(Yoo Hoo! Where was the parent here?)

Who was I without those thoughts, though, using my imagination to wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have to have it MY way?

I noticed a sense of letting go, relaxing the grip of how I demanded she behave with me. I realized I was in this with her. She was the kid, I was the parent, but that didn’t mean she had to conform to every single thing I wanted.

Perhaps I had been a bit rude. To her, but also, to myself.

Turning the thoughts around: I should like my own suggestions, I should like my daughter’s suggestions, she shouldn’t like mine if she doesn’t. I should speak respectfully to her, to myself, to the world. She shouldn’t. She doesn’t know how, and she could learn how from my (new) example.

These were so wonderful to try on and really find clear, solid examples for all of these turnarounds. Of COURSE I didn’t want her to always do what I said, like what I like. That would be an automaton, like my little slave who gave me approval.

I actually LOVED that she spoke up and voiced her opinion. I want her to do that for the rest of her life and not be stuck in people-pleasing or people-resisting.

I also wanted to speak up for my own suggestions, being very solid and clear with my requests without becoming 9 years old if I don’t get my way. She gave me fantastic practice at growing up and being the loving, very clear parent who saw her as extremely capable of respect for herself and for other people (including me).

Maybe she hadn’t known how to be open and respectful, because, um….where would she have seen a huge high level of love mixed with very clear boundaries and willingness to say “no”?

Heh heh. Not with me. If she didn’t do what I said….before The Work, I went to WAR (it felt like an explosion inside, of anger).

Yep, that daughter has been one of my gurus.

And the fun part?

While she still feels like a challenge, she’s an incredible, powerful, independent, feisty, direct person. The kind I always admire because it’s so easy for them to tell it like it is.

Who knew.

Two spots left in the Parenting and The Work class. $60 for three weeks. Register HERE. Wednesdays 10 – 11:30 am PT. You’ll dial in using a phone or your computer (audio only, not video). I’ll guide you through The Work from start to finish.

“Your children are not your children.
They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. 
They come through you but not from you.
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”

~ Kahlil Gibran

 

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: which comes first…hating yourself, or eating?

Many years ago, my eating wars grew so heavy and awful, I dropped out of college.

I actually shifted gears entirely, and began to do what was critical for my own well-being. Researching, attempting to understand, learning how to be honest and intimate with other people and with myself (it took awhile of practice), and questioning my beliefs

One of the most powerful beliefs I had?

I’m a terrible person, worthy of hatred.

I know that sounds strong, but it was that intense. I was horribly self-critical. I could do nothing right, especially when it came to food, eating, exercising and having a worthy body.

Later, I realized, the whole cycle of self-hatred and eating were intimately woven together.

I ate, so I would hate myself, so I would eat to soothe or have a small crumb of relief or pleasure, which would turn into more and more, so I would hate myself and starve and punish myself for the binge.

Nothing ever seemed peaceful or balanced when it came to eating.

Being in a hotel room reminded me of a night with myself long ago, in a hotel room, the night I dropped out of college.

Here’s what it was like for me, along with my biggest suggestion (stop hating yourself and start wondering what’s going on in a more kind, loving way):

M

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Are you waiting for better thoughts?

Argggh. Isn’t this plane going to take off soon?

Late, late. This sucks. I’m so tired. That’s all I needed was another hour added to this already-long flight. So annoying.

What kinds of thoughts enter your mind if you’re waiting?

Yes, ANY kind of waiting. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting to hear about the job. Waiting in line. Waiting for morning. Waiting for the holiday. Waiting for the results of the test. Waiting to eat. Waiting to become enlightened.

What does it feel like to wait?

Irritating. Worrisome. Infuriating. Heart-wrenching. Sad. Frightening. Uncomfortable. Boring.

Who would you be without this story of waiting?

What an astonishing question!

Who would I be without the belief that I am actually waiting?

What is waiting anyway? A feeling like we’re not there yet, or don’t have something yet, or right now is unfinished or not quite all of it.

Who would I be without that belief, in this moment while sitting on an airplane noticing we are not moving, hearing the anxious voice of a passenger many rows behind me ask when we’re taking off?

Peaceful. Noticing slow and fast, anticipating and willing to also be here, no demand something change now, for my personal benefit.

Ready to see where this goes (this day, this moment, this empty space).

Maybe even very excited. Full of wonder about this mysterious unknown moment, with unknown things in it, and an unknown future.

Turning it around: I am not waiting. In this moment, there is nothing missing, nothing anticipated, nothing impending, nothing to worry about.

No lack of knowledge, no such thing as “late”, no lack of bliss or absent enlightenment or awareness. Nothing happening before it’s time, or too soon.

Could this be just as true?

What’s OK, or even wonderful, about this moment sitting in a quiet plane that isn’t moving?

I relax with eyes closed. I feel the chair beneath me. I hear sounds. I picture needing to spend the night in an airport somewhere because of a missed connecting flight, and realize it doesn’t matter if I do–that would be an interesting adventure.

I hear the voices in my head that call for inquiry, and notice I have nothing else more interesting to do right now than The Work. I get out my laptop and begin to write. No need to turn my phone back on.

My four major projects I hope to work on during this trip seem suddenly possible, fun, and not so overwhelming. I have time. I love time.

Who am I without my belief that the plane should be moving, when it isn’t…that I’m waiting right now (as the plane begins to move) or that the flight itself is a waiting zone?

Without the belief in waiting, I’m very clear, just doing what’s next, one thing at a time. Feeling love for anything that flashes in my inner vision. Watching the backs of peoples’ adorable heads when I look up, all the glorious shapes and sizes and colors and hair.

Resting.

Even with that old outdated repetitive thought about enlightenment being somewhere else, or in other people who aren’t me….

….I’m simply being. Here.

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?

How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?

What scent of old wood hovers, what softened 

sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world

than the breathing respect that you carry

wherever you go right now?

Are you waiting

for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this

new glimpse that you found; carry into evening

all that you want from this day.

This interval you spent

reading or hearing this, keep it for life–

What can anyone give you greater than now,

starting here, right in this room,

when you turn around?

~ William Stafford

 

Without the stressful story of waiting, I’m here.

I may not have chosen it, I can’t say I prefer it to something else….

….but this is all a mystery, I’m not in charge.

I respect what’s appeared.

Seeing, smelling, hearing, being this one that I apparently am right now, connected to the world, breathing this gift.

Much love,

Grace

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Get clear enough to deal with what’s actually true

Have you ever thought someone’s getting more than you of something you want?

What makes them so special? How come they’re the lucky one (not me)?

They have it. You don’t.

This shows up in a thousand ways (or, is it just one way, really….read on): they have more money, they’ve accomplished exactly what you intend to accomplish, they have the best partner, they have a beautiful house, their life is better because they travel, had kids, never had kids, eat the “right” way (better than you), they have a stronger, younger, healthier, more beautiful body, their kid is doing much better…they’re more enlightened and peaceful than you.

Ow.

By comparison, you lose. They win.

Find just one of these moments. You are comparing yourself with another human.

Is it true they’re doing it better, faster, clearer, more creatively, stronger?

Yes! Did you see her? She started at age 25 running a business and now at age 45 she’s a multi-million success story. Why didn’t I have that kind of a drive when I was her age? Did I tell you about my mother’s influence on me? She would…

Stop. Are you answering the question “is it true?” or starting to explain, describe, share, paint the picture, tell a story?

It’s a simple question!

Is it true that person over there is doing it better?

Yes.

OK. And are you absolutely 100% sure it’s true, with no shadow of a doubt, at all?

No. I have no idea. There’s that way, there’s this way. I’ve had many adventures, I don’t know her world. All I have is this momentary perspective, and a thought about what success is.

How do you react when you believe someone’s got it better than you, or succeeded (and you haven’t)?

Sigh.

I want to get away from them. Or stare at them and watch for clues about how to copy them.

I feel disheartened. Images come to mind of their smiling life, and my struggling one. I’m alone, or I’m surrounded by losers. They’ve got it made in the shade, a care-free life of service, or pleasure. They’re doing it the right way. They’ll go down in history as making a difference. I look, by comparison, like a chump. And be forgotten.

Or perhaps sometimes, you act with defense when you’re believing that person over there is better than you. You feel aggressive. You give reasons why you’ve got something better than them, whether it’s determination, spit and vinegar (as my grandma used to say), a good work ethic. Or maybe you’ve had harder circumstances to overcome because of x, y, z.

Yeah, that’s right!

But who would you be without this story that they’re better, you’re worse?

Seriously, if you had no thought or belief that they’ve got something you want, what would it feel like? How would you stand in that other person’s presence, with no feeling of wanting anything? What if you came from another planet entirely, with no reference for comparison? You simply looked at them, and observed?

Hmmm.

It’s not about ignoring your needs or desires. If that person has a glass of water, and I’m dying of thirst, I could ask them for some. They might say “yes”, they might say “no”. Without any thoughts about anything being better or worse, winning or losing, I simply ask for what I need, or take some kind of gentle action.

Without the belief they’ve got something I want, and it’s not terrible, or frightening, limited and it doesn’t mean I’ve lost….

….I notice I’m fascinated with what’s happening over there. I’m curious.

I’m also enjoying myself, right here, on the inside. I’m feeling happy, joyfully watching the wonders of the world, which happen to include this person and their accomplishment(s). Nothing needs to be added to me, or taken from them. No winner. No loser.

I’m delighted with people who do NOT have any apparent accomplishments, too. In fact, everything in my environment fascinates me. I’m open.

Without the thought I’m losing, she’s winning, I’m even delighting in my own interests and desires. I’m totally inspired by this woman I’m looking at. Look at this amazing thing she did, starting young in inventing a business from scratch and sticking with it for 20 years. It shows me what’s possible. I’m thrilled with my own path unfolding. It was nothing like hers.

Without comparison, it’s all brilliant. Failures, successes, an unknown dance. I might have done the worst thing ever along the way (according to me), but without the belief I’m a loser because of it, and she’s a winner….

….I am free. Energized. At peace.

Turning the thought around all the ways I can find: There is no win and lose. She’s not doing it better. I’m doing it better, for my life. I’m doing it better, for her.

Oooh, how could any of these or all of these be just as true, or truer?

Well, first of all, every life is full of peaks and valleys and every single one of these peaks or valleys has taught me immensely. Wow. I certainly had other important things to focus on besides starting a business at age 25. It was called ending my addictions and discovering a new way to look at the world, and myself. I wouldn’t give it up for something else. (I couldn’t anyway, point taken). There is no win or lose. It all crumbles as soon as I start looking closely.

I’m doing it better for me. True. There’s no one who could do my life except me. So of course I’m doing it better than anyone else. My job is to be this one, here. Not that one over there.

And what if I was doing it better, for her? She could find my life path just as inspiring. I might have something to offer her. Including appreciation for the clear and powerful example I’m seeing right before me of career success. She might enjoy me being over here, just as much as I do!

Ah the beauty of seeing how incredible it is to be able to observe another human, or many other things in the apparent environment, and notice they are included in my path, because I’m seeing them.

They are a part of me.

Oh! Ha ha!

Not separate. Not left out.

Included, connected, open to all the beauty this beautiful mind discovers–so many things it loves….EVERYWHERE

“The only permanent solution to your problems is to go inside and let go of the part of you that seems to have so many problems with reality. Once you do that, you’ll be clear enough to deal with what’s left.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Much love,

Grace

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If my child isn’t happy, I can’t be happy!

Beliefs about children can be so hard, when you’re worried about their well-being.

Or anyone you love, for that matter.

But something about kids. It’s like it’s extra extra amplified, our caring about them, and the strangely stressful thoughts about love, happiness, or success.

Even though these thoughts seem “normal”, it’s quite profound to question if they are true.

What are your thoughts about taking care of your children? About parenting?

  • my children should never suffer
  • my children need to thrive, succeed, accomplish…in order for me to be happy
  • I need to protect my kids from harm (the world is dangerous when it comes to x, y, z)
  • it’s my job to teach, guide, direct my kids
  • if my child fails, it means I have failed
  • I can’t handle it if he/she feels pain
  • I need to help my child
  • my child shouldn’t bite, grab, hit, be selfish, talk back, act rude, defy me, do drugs, get bad grades….etc
  • if my child is hurt, I am hurt
  • I need to be close by talking, sharing time, having the same interests
  • I need my child to live, to be happy
When I really dove deeply into The Work, I began to realize what this self-inquiry was all about.

Investigating fear.

I began to realize that the worst that could happen might be primarily in my imagination, not reality. Even if the feared event or thing actually happened.

For example.

I am far away from home, on what I expected to be a very exciting trip with a man I’m rendezvousing with in Hawaii. This man surprised me with a plane ticket to join him on Maui, and I went at the scheduled hour.

But after a few days in the paradise setting, I’m in deep turmoil as reality hits. Not only is this man quite anxious and unhappy, but I’ve called in sick to my job and I feel more and more guilty.

It wasn’t worth the wild “yes”. I’m thinking of changing my return flight to sooner. I just want to go home. This isn’t right. The whole thing feels out of integrity, and weird. What am I doing here with this man, anyway?

Then I get a call.

My son, age 9, has broken his wrist while skiing for the first time. He’s in the emergency room.

I begin to feel sick with guilt. I call the airline, say goodbye to the man I’m with, and get on the next flight out.

Flying home, I begin to do The Work on the airplane. Clearly, by the time I fly across half the Pacific Ocean he’ll be out of the ER and with the people caring for him, who are wonderful. There’s nothing I can possibly do.

But I’m believing I shouldn’t have gone away. I should be there when something happens, like an accident.

Stressed parents think this all this time. I should have been there. I should be available always to sweep in, to rescue, to comfort, to help.

Is it true, though?

No.

Because kids have things happen in life constantly, and we’re not right there. We’re not supposed to be. They are human beings with their own paths. It’s a little crazy, in fact, to think we should be present any time our child is in need.

How do you react when you believe you should be present when you aren’t? How do you react when you think your child needs you, period?

Frantic. Worried. Guilty.

Who would you be without this dreadful story that your kids need you, when you aren’t actually there?

Way less stressed out. Even free. Circumstances took me to making the decisions I made, and there are no mistakes.

I’d even feel compassion for myself, without the thought. I’d feel awareness of the rest of the world, and it’s support for my children and for everyone, in everything that happens.

I am not the one in charge. My kids do not need me. They need whoever’s right there. Thank goodness.

Turning the thoughts about caring for children around, let’s see what happens:

  • my children should suffer, if they do–Yes, I have learned immensely from my own suffering. It was the way to happiness, actually. Why would I deny my children such an incredible path?
  • my children do NOT need to thrive, succeed, accomplish…in order for me to be happy. So true, I love them exactly as they are. For being alive. Nothing more required.
  • I do NOT need to protect my kids from harm (the world is dangerous when it comes to x, y, z). Of course not, according to Reality. They’ve gotten sick, been injured, had heartbreaks, and they are beautiful people. So is the world.
  • it’s NOT my job to teach, guide, direct my kids. What an egoistic idea in the first place, to think I’m the director. What a relief to see it’s not true.
  • if my child fails, it never means I have failed–I can question what I believe “failure” is. Perhaps my child succeeded. And their event is not me or mine. This is not personal.
  • I can handle it if he/she feels pain. Yes, I notice my wrist did not hurt, when my son’s was broken. I can handle that.
  • I do NOT need to help my child. I was thousands of miles away. He had all the help he needed. Mothers even die sometimes, and the child goes on and has a happy life.
  • my child should bite, grab, hit, be selfish, talk back, act rude, defy me, do drugs, get bad grades….etc. Anything happening could change, in a heartbeat. Meanwhile, I shouldn’t bite, grab, hit, etc, with my thoughts about me (I’m guilty, or a bad mother) or my thoughts that reality is bad.
  • if my child is hurt, I am NOT hurt. And I need to notice this, so I’m sane and helpful.
  • I do NOT need to be close by talking, sharing time, having the same interests. I can still love deeply, without these perceived definitions of closeness.
  • I do not need my child to live, to be happy. The ultimate. How could it possibly be true that unhappiness would be required, if my child died? I have witnessed the opposite, from parents who have lost their kids.
“If your happiness depends on your children being happy, that makes them your hostages. So stay out of their business, stop using them for your happiness, and be your own happiness. And that way you are the teacher for your children: someone who knows how to live a happy life.”  ~ Byron Katie
 

If you’d like to get a taste of questioning your stories about your children (or even just one child) whether 2 or 35, living or not….

….come join a 3 session parenting course Wednesdays 10:00-11:30 am PT. Only $60.

Question your stressful stories about your children, and about what you’re supposed to be doing, and discover happiness. Sign up here.

Much love,Grace
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Eating Peace: If I Tell the Truth, They’ll Get Upset (So Let’s Eat Instead)!

Long ago, I was given a book called “What You Think of Me Is None of My Business”.

What an cool title.

And what a difficult thing to actually experience.

You mean….even if you knew me and you didn’t like what you saw, or felt, or knew about my thoughts, it’s none of my business? You mean, you can go on doing whatever you’re doing over there, and I don’t need to respond or pay attention to every nuance or tone of your voice? You mean, I don’t have to be hyper-alert to everything you do?

But! I’m worried about hurting your feelings, or you being mean to me, or you abandoning me! I’m worried about doing it wrong, or screwing up, or making a mistake.

In fact, I think it WILL be a mistake if you’re disturbed by something I say, do, feel, show, think.

So I better keep it on the low down! I better be very quiet, hide it, act like I’m nice even if I don’t feel nice.

Yeah, that’s the ticket. I’ll ACT like I’m fine, comfortable, non-judgmental….even if I am NOT fine, uncomfortable and very judgmental.

Ouch.

The thing is, when you try to hide the truth of what you’re honestly feeling and thinking, you will likely begin to feel like over-eating, or eating for comfort or distraction, rather than eating for fuel.

Which isn’t fun.

There may be a bump in the road to learn, and it’s called Being Honest.

Who would you be without the belief that you actually need to hide your true thoughts in order to be safe, secure, comfortable, or happy?

It’s not easy, but you may find, it’s worth it. Because when you tell the truth, without shame, and with the desire for connection and honesty with another….

….you’ll likely find you don’t want to eat for emotional reasons anymore.

THAT makes it worth it.

Watch here for insight on being yourself, in the presence of other people:

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It ain’t over, til it’s over.

The Work of Byron Katie is known as a powerful stress-reducing method of changing one’s mindset. It can alter your entire perspective of a very painful situation.

I find, my internal world is completely different when I think about Before The Work and After The Work.

But what about severe physical harm? Or car accidents? Or huge traumatic moments, like war-time fear, near-death escape, or violence?

They are so frightening!

Sometimes, just seeing a movie with this kind of experience in it can be traumatizing. I remember this, in fact, from when I was about ten. I saw a horror movie in black-and-white on TV about turtle sucking snake-like creatures that vacuumed only the bone matter out of human bodies.

OMG.

I was up at night for several nights in a row, and I didn’t even want the girl whose house I spent the night at, where we watched this movie, to be my friend anymore.

The Exorcist scared me so badly, I couldn’t fall asleep all night then either, with my best friend Kathy snoozing in the guest bed next to me. I kept seeing a hand creep up the side of the wall, not connected to a body. (How did I get into the theater showing that movie, by the way, at age 12)?

I basically never watch horror movies now. Why on earth would I put myself through that kind of physical imaginative fear? The regular imagination is bad enough! Jeez!

The thing to remember first, when it comes to a truly traumatic experience, is that it is over, and now…..you are safe. Whether the event was real or a movie.

You are safe. Right now. Safe.

Because sometimes, the thoughts begin to scream at you NOT to look at that moment. Danger Danger Danger! A part of you doesn’t want to feel the adrenaline again, the sadness, the devastation. Even in a perfectly safe moment, your heart starts beating and you’re sweating, as you remember and “view” the movie in your mind.

It’s OK if you don’t want to do The Work on a truly frightening moment in your life. Nothing is required here.

And, it can be amazingly liberating if you do.

Just the other day, someone in Year of Inquiry did The Work her reaction to her grandson’s tantrum. He was so freaked out and wild, he scratched her eye. She remembered a previous violent situation even more frightening, with an adult, not a child.

If you notice you’re safe here, now, it might be easier to go take a look at that extremely difficult situation. The one you’d rather not see.

The violent one.

It’s a summer Saturday morning and the sun is streaming through huge tall windows and making bright lights and shadows on the gorgeous wooden dance floor. I’m full of energy, bouncy happy, surrounded by many wonderful, laughing people ages 5 to 80.  One of my favorite songs comes on.

The set list is made intentionally to inspire, and it’s amazingly eclectic and fun. World music, Bollywood music, pop music, 1970s joyful funk, hip hop, salsa, the latest pop song in northern Africa, music from Turkey, Mongolia, Iceland, Mexico.

I am so thrilled, I run across the dance floor and leap into one of my favorite gymnastics moves, from age 15. Roundoff handspring. I do cartwheels all the time. And walk on my hands regularly.

As I land with legs straight only off kilter to the right, I feel a huge awful pull or rip in my sits bone, my pelvis. My whole body freezes up.

I don’t know it, but I just tore my hamstring right off the bone at the top of my leg. I’m still standing. I take a step. It’s very painful. But I can walk. I think “it’s not broken, I can walk”. I think maybe it will go away. Maybe I’ll walk it off. I numbly slow down, perplexed at the pain, continuing to stay upright the rest of the dance.

At the end, when we sit down in a circle, I’m wobbly and it burns horribly. I can’t sit in the circle. I feel shaky. I say to my husband as we walk across the parking lot that I really need to go home. It hurts horribly as I sit in the car. I put the seat all the way back.

Now, looking back, I had amazingly little fear. I didn’t even know what was wrong. The stress began to arise when a friend gasped after I had an MRI that showed the tear. She already knew before I did that I would need a surgery that was…..very uncomfortable. And my hamstring would probably never be the same again. Ever.

What kinds of thoughts appear with a situation like this? Perhaps you lose a limb, or someone else dies, or you saw the injury.

I find it helpful to notice that in the moment of injury or initial pain, there is almost no thought. It’s only right afterwards. The assessment. The awareness comes in, and THEN….here comes the suffering.

The moment of suffering is what The Work is for. That thought. THAT moment. It doesn’t mean you’ll question physical pain (although you can) but more what you think it actually means to have this pain.

My hamstring will never be the same again. I’ll have physical pain or limited movement for the rest of my life. I will never bike long distances, run long distances, hike, do gymnastics ever, ever again.

It’s all down hill from here. My life as I knew it, is over.

Let’s do The Work on this thought.

Is it true?

Yes.

Is it absolutely true, and terribly stressful?

No.

My life already was all down hill from here. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I am 56 right now. I was 52 when I tore my hamstring. I have no idea if I still had an intact hamstring I’d be happier. In fact, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t affect my ultimate happiness at all.

I notice I don’t have the stamina I used to have, things are changing in most fascinating ways in the body. I’m not upset. I find it amazing. I feel like I could die any day and I would have had an incredible life, and a pretty long one. I’m looking forward to what’s next. If there’s nothing next, I’ll have no mind so nothing to worry about anyway. Ha ha!

Who would I be without the belief my life is over as I knew it? (And that’s a BAD thing)?

Excited! Full of wonder. Actually interested to see where this whole hamstring thing is going. Where this whole life-leading-to-death is going.

I notice the hamstring incident has given me some amazing experiences to explore, and awareness to wake up to:

a) After surgery, I had to lie flat for 9 days without being able to turn over onto my stomach. It was stunning to investigate the thought that I needed to. (Stephen Hawking, I get it now!)

b) I finally started yoga

c) I went to several brilliant body practitioners and learned so much about being in this body

d) I’m quieter in my movement and manner. Slower bike rides. Shorter walks. I love dancing again, but not so wildly perhaps.

e) I’ve gotten a lovely reminder of death, dying, temporariness here, exploring my thoughts about a limited amount of remaining years

f) I’m more comfortable than ever doing The Work with other people on death, suicidal thinking, injury, illness, cancer, sickness, pain, The End.

Every day, these days, I am aware this could be the last one. I have strong glimpses and experience, for minutes (if not hours) that there will be a last day for everyone, including me.

“There is pain, and then there is Pain and Suffering. So we’ll work with the suffering, and watch, through your life, how body follows mind. What an amazing trip…..How do you react when you believe the thought ‘I want the pain to stop’ and it doesn’t? What happens to the pain when you want it to stop, and it doesn’t? Who would you be without the story ‘I feel pain’? What is the worst that could happen if the pain becomes worse? You can’t stand it anymore, can you absolutely know that’s true?” ~ Byron Katie

Wow.

Turning it around: my life is over as I knew it, and it’s all up hill from here.

So far, this is true. And come to think of it, it always has been.

Or maybe, there’s no hill at all. And nothing happening from the past. Those thoughts, I notice, are only about past and future. They have nothing to do with the present moment.

Oh. Right.

“It ain’t over, til it’s over.” ~ Yogi Berra

Much love,

Grace

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Sick body or sick thinking?

Oh dear.

I have a sore throat coming on. Swallowing hurts.

Doing The Work on physical illness or pain can be powerful, especially when it’s not necessarily scary (you know it’s very temporary)….

….you just don’t like it.

Some people exclaim when they feel sick “I HATE this!”

You shouldn’t be sick.

Is it true?

(Is this thing on?)

(Like you’re a stand-up comedian wondering why the audience is absolutely stone silent after your question “is it true you shouldn’t be sick”?

Tap the microphone. Is this thing on?)

Of course it’s true! What are you talking about? You think I like this? Who wants to be sick, I mean….is that even a question that can be asked on this topic?

But can you absolutely know you shouldn’t be sick, when you are?

Um. No. Reality shows me, I’m getting a bad sore throat, and seem to have the urge to sleep and lie horizontal.

How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t be sick, or have the condition you have, or feel the physical symptoms you feel?

Not only do I feel physical pain, but I also feel depressed. I see pictures of all the things I won’t be getting done. I press on even though it hurts. I keep my eyes open. I work another few minutes on taxes, or emails. I take extra medicine. I don’t rest.

Some people have visions of themselves dying, or going to hospitals, or suffering horribly when they believe they shouldn’t be sick. They scare themselves.

But who would you really really be without the belief you shouldn’t be sick, when something is here and it’s called “sickness”?

I’d sleep. I’d still feel relaxed and happy, even with a sore throat. (True). I’d feel content. Trusting that oh, this is the way it’s going today. Got it.

Nothing so terrible about having this physical symptom come along. Nothing immoral, nothing I did incorrectly or wrong. All very well indeed, even if I never woke up after I went to sleep with aching ears and throat. (I know that’s a little dramatic, but heck, let’s go all the way with this feared thing).

Slowness has always been in my life. It’s called going to bed at night. Physical pain has come and gone.

Eventually, I’ll be expiring altogether. This body will shut down and tucker out. There might be pain involved. I have no idea when it will occur. Even if I had an illness that wasn’t going away, I can question my thinking.

Thoughts aren’t exactly reliable.

Turning the thought around: I should be sick.

Now….remember. This isn’t a reason to load yourself with guilt or mean words or what you deserve. Why, even with great compassion, are you aware you should be sick, when you are?

Can I find examples for this severe cold?

I just slept for 9 hours without moving. I’ll go to bed this afternoon and rest, and read a book I’ve been meaning to continue for weeks. I’m looking forward to inquiry soon with everyone who comes to Tuesday call in Year of Inquiry (so amazing we can all be in our PJs at home if we want). I feel very slow, and all ideas of moving through tasks feel completely unnecessary and relaxed.

Turning it around again: my thinking shouldn’t be sick.

So true. It gets feverish, sore, unstable, needs to go to sleep, off-balance….especially when it comes to the body and disease. So serious. So intense.

Now, a true sense of being, with nothing required, appears in consciousness. This is it. No need for concern. No need for extras. No need to Get Stuff Done.

I’m reminded of this as the most beautiful part of life. Letting go. I trust I needed the reminder today.

“If you’re experiencing pain or discomfort or confusion around [anything, anyone] just investigate your thinking. Ask four questions, turn it around, have a happy life.” ~ Byron Katie

Yes, even with a disease or physical ailment.

Why not?

I notice, it’s possible to feel the beauty of this moment in a quiet, gentle way. Rain pattering down outside, birds singing, heater whirring, early morning white cherry blossoms through the window.

Thank you, world!

Much love,

Grace

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HELP! The Work of Byron Katie on Parenting!

PARENTING 3 weeks Course in The Work of Byron Katie: Got some stressful thinking about your kid(s)? Join me in a lazer-sharp 3 week course on The Work for Parents. We’ll cover the basics, doing The Work from start to finish. Only $60 for three Wednesdays May 3, 10, 17 from 10-11:30 am Pacific Time. All classes will be recorded.

It doesn’t matter how old your kids (baby to adult–it all works). It doesn’t matter if you’re the stepparent, adoptive parent, neighbor, mentor, teacher, biological parent or grandparent.

If you care for someone and you’re supposed to be the caretaker….a few stressful thoughts can appear from time to time.

(Wow, so true, right?)

Enroll in the course right HERE.

But even if you’re not taking the class….you can start right now in understanding your troubling situation with someone in your care a little better.

What kind of thoughts do you have?

I’ve worked with so many parents, they often go something like this, no matter what the age of the child:

  • she should listen to me
  • he doesn’t clean up after himself
  • she lies
  • he’s depressed, unhappy
  • she isn’t doing well in school
  • he’s hard to deal with when it comes to “x” (getting ready, leaving on time, going to school, biting, hitting, fighting, arguing, minding)
  • she’s too: aggressive, selfish, mean, needy, bossy
  • he should stop doing drugs, smoking, biting, stealing, lazying around
  • she should stop talking back, disrespecting me, being rude to her sister

And this is only the beginning.

Then, on top of all these stressful thoughts, we often think we are doing a terrible job. We must be bad moms, or bad dads.

It’s me! If only I was more patient. More kind. More loving. More attentive. More interested in play-dough. Or board games.

But at the risk of doing a humongous inquiry all-at-once….I’m going to ask this one humongous question:

Who would you be without your story that there’s a TERRIBLE problem here, with this person you’re caring for?

Who would you be without the belief you have to find the REASON for the problem, and fix this thing?

Who would you be without the belief this is going downhill, and fast, and that kid will be the death of you and neither one of you can ever get it right?

Who would you be without turning on yourself and ripping yourself to shreds because you’re not good enough, when it comes to those you care for?

Who would you be, without your story, in this moment now?

Woah.

Um.

Not worry, wring my hands, rage, fume or boil? Not feel like a victim? Not feel like I’m screwing up, and so is my child?

Yes. Without the belief a problem is here and it’s HORRIBLE or UNFIXABLE or DEVASTATING?

What would that be like, to sit in this moment, or imagine yourself with your child, and not feel like a failure?

It’s an amazing beginning.

I find, there’s hope in noticing this present moment, without the belief there’s an unfixable problem.

I’m not talking of denial, and pretending it’s not difficult, when it is.

But if you saw your situation with clarity, and a sense of Can-Do or possibility, what would you feel like?

Turning the thought around: This problem is not devastating, or unfixable. This problem is not all my fault, or all the child’s fault, or anyone’s “fault”. There is some confusion, perhaps, but there is no endless problem.

Right NOW, there is rest. Right now, peace is possible. I might not know exactly what to do next, but I can relax my thinking.

I can keep doing The Work.

I can start with one….only one stressful situation….and take one step. I don’t have to figure it all out by Friday.

“Everything is a story. The mind spins stories out and you believe what the mind tells you. Every time you are stressed out or fearful, you are believing what the mind is telling you. The Work is about discovering what is true and what is not true for you, the difference between reality and imagination.” ~ Byron Katie

And if you’d love to meet with a group on together online, wherever you live, at 10 am Pacific Time for 3 Wednesdays….join us. Sign up HERE.

Much love,

Grace

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Summer Inquiry, Summer Love

Summer loving had me a blast….

If you recognize the famous first line from the musical Grease song, you might start singing it in your head.

I love summers in the Pacific Northwest. Fresh nights where you need a sweater, warm enough days for swimming in lakes and maybe a dip in the cold ocean or campfire on the wild beach.

And the time for a deeper immersion in self-inquiry with others, relaxing with the long light.

So many choices, so many ways, so much beautiful possibility!

Breitenbush Hot Springs Summer Retreat June 21-25, 2017 is only open for early bird rate for another 2.5 weeks. $395 until May 1st and very popular, the lodging sells out quickly (they set aside some of the best for us, but you need to book it soon). We are already filling.

I would love to have you join me in this gorgeous setting with no internet, no phone service (yes, astonishing), amazing fresh organic home cooked meals, deep forest hiking, soaking in hot springs at leisure outside of session hours, massage, and absolutely beautiful cabins.

And that’s not even the best in-session part. Together, as a part of this annual retreat, we’ll gather and walk through the inquiry journey, one simple step at a time, investigating our stressful thinking.

Beginners and experienced journeyers are all invited and welcome. We start at the very beginning, with our own stressful relationships or worries, our frustrations and places we wish would change.

The Work is a process of inquiry that dissolves all the suffering in life. At least it has offered this to me. As I inquire, and stay with my exploration (so much easier to do in a group) I find the personal freedom I always used to long for and think was impossible.

To read more about Breitenbush, or if you have questions, please reply back to this email and I’ll personally answer. If you have special questions about the meals or lodging, or travel to Breitenbush, those questions are best answered by the good staff at Breitenbush. You can call them at 503-854-3320. This is also how you sign up. The old fashioned way over the phone.

And as if that much summer loving wasn’t enough….I’ll be facilitating Being With Byron Katie in Seattle July 8-11, a completely silent retreat where we watch Byron Katie speak and work with her audience streaming live from Switzerland (technically, it’s a 9 hour delay).

We get to send questions, photos, and share in the event all the way from our little spot in Seattle. Room for 20 maximum attendees, there are 4 bedrooms for weary travelers for a reduced fee. Our house is a modest older Seattle house in the midst of the beautiful Portage Bay neighborhood. Our retreat house will remain in silence for the entire time.

The fee for this 4 full day event? Only $185. Truly the most inexpensive event with Byron Katie you could ever attend. Worth 24 credits for Institute for The Work candidates with Byron Katie directly, as if you were attending live with Katie, for a small extra fee (still less than if you registered for it on your own).

And lastly, to continue your summer love….Summer Camp for The Mind Virtual Inquiry Jam.

July 5-August 18, 2017. Monday-Friday daily inquiry telecalls simply doing The Work with Grace. This is an annual daily dial-in where we all fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and the first volunteer in the hot seat does The Work. As many people do The Work who are able–each session is 90 minutes. Q & A time included. Every day, the inquiry jam is at a different hour, so you can join when it works for your time zone and schedule. Come to one or all the calls. You get to pick. Summer Camp for The Mind is sliding scale, for everyone.

Hope you’ll join me in deepening your Love this summer, and being a part of the Peace Movement.

Much love,

Grace