Month: April 2017

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It’s easier to feel the wind blow than to wish it would go easier

In Year of Inquiry group we’re in our 8th month, and I’m loving the worksheets and thoughts members of the group are bringing to our sessions for inquiry. It just gets deeper and everyone’s insights are so beautiful.

Yesterday, we looked at a powerful moment, listening to one inquirer’s worksheet, but following along within, finding our own experience of the same thought she brought to the group:

“I want mom to make it easier for me!”

Has there ever been someone in your life you wish would just make things easier?

I mean, ai-yi-yi(!)

Why so much torture, suffering, irritation, anxiety, or sadness with that person? (And if it’s mom, this the longest relationship I’ve ever had with anyone-whether mom is living or died a long time ago. So why can’t my relationship with her go easier? Come ON!)

And OK OK, I know I have to work on myself to not react so quickly, but can’t they just try to (fill in the blank)?

Can’t they say kind words? Can’t they call me or email me or text me back? Can’t they stop being so demanding? Can’t they quit criticizing me? Can’t they clean up their mess?

IS IT SOOOO HARD?!

Even if you think it’s absolutely true that you want that person to make it easier for you….

….it’s still very valuable taking this stressful belief through self-inquiry (which is what we found during the group Year of Inquiry call).

How do you react when you believe you want that person to make it easier? What happens?

What would you have, if you got this easier lightness, instead of the hard way they always do it?

I know someone who cut me off once, after a close intimate friendship had formed. No communication, no response, no direct explanation, lots of confusion. I still think about her regularly, and it feels sad. I love her, she was a great friend.

She really could make it easier if she sent me a note, or called me and left a message, or reached out even the tiniest bit. I wouldn’t be left with a feeling of grief and foreboding, or dread and disappointment.

I wouldn’t be left alone with my own thoughts over here. I’d feel more connected. I’d feel love. Not anger. I’d have some peace, when it comes to her and everything that went down.

If only she could make it a little easier….I’d feel relief! I’d feel innocent! I’d feel open! I’d feel loved!

But am I sure I couldn’t feel these things now? Am I sure I want her to make it easier, so I can feel these better feelings? Am I sure her making it easier is possible, or required, for me to feel happy?

Well….no. I guess not.

FINE.

Who would I be without the belief I want her to make it easier for me?

Hmmm. I’d notice how it’s fairly easy already. I never make contact with her and she’s not in my life, only in my thoughts. I actually go many days without having her cross my mind, ever.

Without the thought I want her to make it easier, I notice what’s easy here, already, about this relationship. I notice what’s easy about this moment, even if there are thoughts about this “difficult” person.

Turning this thought around: I want ME to make it easier for me (especially when it comes to this person).

How could this be just as true, or truer.

Well, the things I’ve wound up making easier for myself, without the help of others, have been amazing learning experiences. I do want to ease up on my own mental criticism, expectations of life and mothers and other people, and most of all, expectations of me that are practically beyond human.

It’s of great value for me to be in the presence of anyone, including those hard-to-be-with people, and feel OK. I love questioning my thoughts. I love finding out what I thought was true, is not.

Turning the thought around again: I want me to make it easier for her.

Ooooh. Wait. Yes I do. I want to touch everyone in this world with clarity, trust and love. If I make even the tiniest difference, I feel grateful. If I can make it easier for someone like even my mother, or my friend I mentioned who supposedly cut me off…great. And, I see it’s also not required. What a relief.

Finally, this mind-stopping turnaround: I do NOT want her to make it easier for me.

Holy smokes…really? Because….

Stop. Don’t go into justification, explanation, telling your story about if only she would make it easier, blah blah blah. Just consider how this turnaround might be just as true, or truer that her making it easier is NOT necessary here.

Well. I signed up for the Olympics of internal freedom and happiness. What does it take for me to find peace in the presence of anything and anyone? What does it take for my own enlightenment.

I’m interested in that. No matter how hard.

Another inquirer said to me today she notices great learning comes most often from friction. Heat is created out of movement. From energy to fire to suffering to questioning to peace.

I also see how the toughest things in life, I wouldn’t erase from my experience. How do I know those hard times, difficult moments, and people who dish up stress for me, aren’t my greatest teachers in the world? So far, they have been.

Who would I be without the story that I want anything to be easier than it’s been?

Willing. Surrendered. Caring. Loving. Grateful.

Wow.

“There’s nothing out there that can oppose you. There is just fluid motion, like the wind. You attach a story to what you perceive, and that story is your suffering. I am everything that I have ever called other people; they were me all along. Everything I ever called my enemy was me….All enemies are your kind teachers, just waiting for you to realize it. (And that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg 230

Much love,

Grace

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Did you make a mistake?

Yes, it’s true. I made a mistake. I omitted the actual TIME of First Friday Inquiry Jam from the last-call announcement.

Fortunately, many people had already seen the Grace Note the previous day which DID have all the details….but not everyone.

Have you ever made a simply mistake, or omitted something critical, or written the wrong date in your calendar, or gotten someone’s email or phone number mixed up?

It’s shocking how often it happens.

Just this past weekend someone in my neighborhood sent out a last-minute email saying “tickets are still available! Hurry!” about a big fund-raising event. No date, no time of the event (it was that very night). Just like me.

So many little errors, mistakes, missed details.

And sometimes, people can get really upset about these kinds of things, have you noticed?

“What a dunce!” you might say to yourself.

“This screws up everything!” you mutter.

“How could I have possibly missed that editing error?!!” you yell.

Or, you do it to others who have made the very same kinds of little non-life-threatening “mistakes”.

But what if you questioned this belief about ANY mistake that ever was made, by you, or anyone?

This is super fun….let’s take the ride, I think you’ll enjoy it.

Is it true it was a “mistake”? (Think about one, big or small, that you’ve really thought of as wrong, that would be waaaaaay better if you had corrected or caught–or just a wee tiny bit better).

Are you absolutely certain it was a mistake?

I can’t be sure, myself. It seems like it’d be better if people knew what time to dial-in or connect last Friday….but I be absolutely 100% hands-down certain?

No.

How do you react when you think a mistake has been made?

Shouting at the culprit! Whether it’s me, or someone else!

What if it’s your kid, dropping and breaking something? What about a co-worker getting the meeting time wrong? Or how about the hotel mixing up your reservation, or the airline losing your bag?

Do you have a hissy fit and want to blame or attack?

Yikes! It’s rough having this approach.

What if you couldn’t have the thought at all that it WAS a mistake, an error, an omission?

Kind of funny…..but without the thought, I’m not anywhere near as upset. The blaming thoughts relax. There’s no one to blame. There’s just ideal version of the outcome, and THIS version of the outcome….and I notice I have no real idea which one is which.

Turning the thought around is even MORE fun:

There was no mistake, error, omission, wrong-doing.

Wait….what?

But what’s the evidence for nothing really go wrong? How could it be OK that it went the way it did? Are you sure without this supposed mistake that it would have gone better?

I notice, for my situation, the First Friday call was still quite wonderful. Usually only 2-3 people get to inquire anyway, in 75 minutes. Many people love simply listening in, and there were over 18 people there.

What’s the reality of it? I received about 5 emails from people asking for the time….so they were wonderfully helpful, and I now know clearly to check in the future! Also, people will probably remember 7:45 am PT next month on the First Friday (which I intend to keep consist for a long time into the future). And I now know, too, there’s loads of interest in this monthly live call. I can be of service this way.

Wow, there are so many good reasons why it was PERFECT that the time was omitted.

And what a different, and exciting, way to look at the whole picture: that instead of a mistake was made, an adjustment or a gift or a wonderful focus of attention was made.

Or perhaps, in your situation, brilliant things came out of the “mistake” like awareness that the item was not necessary for happiness (in the case of losing or breaking something). Maybe an incredibly creative solution or idea came out of the “mistake”. Maybe it was the only way for two people to truly connect (to discuss the mistake) or because something got accidentally scheduled for the wrong date, everyone got a wonderful laugh together.

Who knows?

Another turnaround: a mistake made ME!

YES! That omission made me pay closer attention, allowed me to have several nice email conversations, reminded me I need to be very simple and share every detail with those who want them.

And I guess, weirdly enough, my omission created my own awareness of this thought that it’s possible to make a dumb mistake….and to take a look all over again and the genius of the universe for unfolding the way it does.

Maybe I have no idea of what fantastic things might come from any mistakes I’ve made…..but how marvelous to have the attitude that “mistakes” are actually corrections, and I’m not the one in charge. Thank goodness I’m not, because things have their way of going alternatively to my perceptions, and with inquiry, it’s usually better than I could have ever imagined.

“There’s no mistake in the universe. It’s not possible to have the concept ‘mistake’ unless you’re comparing what is with what isn’t. Without the story in your mind, it’s all perfect. No mistake…..Everyone is doing his job. No one is more valuable than another. The things in the world that we think are so terrible, are actually great teachers. There’s no mistake, and there’s nothing lacking.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Today, see if you can sit with the thing you thought was a mistake, no matter how terrible you think it actually was, no matter how frightening, dreadful, worrisome, dangerous, sad.

Because, this inquiry is for THOSE dreadful things that happen, too.

Can you find just a small example (start with one) of the viewpoint that it may not have been for nothing, it may not be so bad, it may not mean what you think it meant, that it had nothing to offer?

Was learning involved? Did you notice what was not required for happiness (it can be stunning to become aware that even someone living, for example, or staying married to you, is not required for your happiness).

Because just a wee bit of attention towards this turnaround way of seeing it….

….could change your future, your life, your world.

Really.

And if it seems a little daunting, because you’re thinking of something very difficult for you….just start with the first question.

That was the worst thing ever, a terrible mistake….is it true?

Much love,

Grace

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You don’t have to know how to stop dreading….a little secret

Have you ever felt awful….but you’re not even sure why?

Some kind of dread is awaiting for you around the corner. Something terrible will happen. It might not go well. You could make an irreversible, regrettable mistake. It’s going to get worse. It might be nice now, but just wait.

Don’t you get the shivers just reading those sentences?

And sometimes, they’re exactly the kinds of thoughts we have about the future that make the future seem dark, sad, depressing, troubling.

But it’s not really the future that’s any of those things.

It’s now.

Funny how the mind is so incredibly powerful, you can think thoughts about the CHANCE of bad stuff occurring….and feel anxious.

The other day I worked with the most adorable young inquirer who was no longer dating because of the chance of drama in a future relationship. Two others hadn’t gone so well.

She was interested in relationship, in relating, talking, connecting, being close…..and yet, didn’t want to risk getting hurt.

People experience this when thinking about finding a new job, moving to a new city, traveling. Heck, if you’re a big huge introvert like me, you might think with a mild form of dread about an upcoming social gathering, even a party that’s supposed to be fun.

It might be loud, surprising. I might see people I haven’t in a long time. It will be over-the-top on excitement level. I’ll get overstimulated!

Whatever your thoughts, you’re anticipating something might not go well just a wee bit, perhaps a little disappointment….OR…Something terrible could happen!

Noooooooooo!!!

But who would you be without this thought? Without this story of terrible possibilities, or the unknown wild yonder in the future?

What if you were OK, right now, and if you get nervous….you could do The Work!

(Anxiety Bunny Voice scoffs….The Work? That won’t help prevent forest fires! Watch Out! This thing could go DOWN)!

So we’re not pretending nothing ever happens. We’re not being sugar-pop sweet and acting like we aren’t afraid of the dark.

We’re actually just really asking, WITH all those scary images dancing in our heads of relationships-gone-wrong or events-becoming-disasters or things-turning-out-bad….

….who would you be without your story of that image?

Are you safe in this moment?

Notice.

Oh. Come to think of it, I am.

I’m breathing, the air is fresh, I see no weapons of destruction anywhere in sight. My thoughts are only disturbed, not All of Reality.

Turning this “dread” around: Some kind of joy is awaiting for you around the corner. Something wonderful will happen. It might go well. You could make an irreversible, genius correction. It’s going to get better. It might be nice now, and just wait (exciting)!

Couldn’t all this be just as true, or truer?

Sometimes people say….but this is imagination, and pollyanna, and just like affirmations which are FAKE.

But I like noticing, the future IS entirely imagination, creative, and unknown. To think creatively of solutions, ideas, possibilities….feels so much more effective, powerful.

And when you really can’t stop dreading it (been there) then do The Work. Because we’re addressing our THOUGHTS here, not the whole of Reality….which is always mysterious and unknown anyway.

If you need to, do The Work on the worst case scenario you’re imagining might occur. Pretend it’s actually happened, write your worksheet, and go.

Is it true?

“What I love about The Work is, it never asks you to drop [the story]. It doesn’t even imply that you should drop it. That’s the power of investigation. It’s not my business to drop a story. Mankind’s been trying to do that for centuries! It doesn’t work. So don’t even go there. Letting go is an outdated concept. But investigation–self-realization, realizing for yourself what is true–dispels the illusion. So I’ve got this little secret, and everyone’s welcome to it: I inquire.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story pg 272

And the best news of all?

You don’t have to know how to get rid of the dread, or stop being an Anxious Bunny or figure out how to be more positive. You’re being lived, as Katie says.

You don’t have to know how.

I notice I sure don’t know how….and it’s turning out better than I ever imagined.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: When you feel deep despair about this eating thing….consider this

Sometimes, we just feel like “death-warmed-over” as one of my grandmother’s used to say about depression, deep despair, discouragement.

Thoughts appear like: I’ve been at this sooooo long, this will never change, there is no solution, I can’t stop overeating, I’ll never be thin.

The sense is that peace is impossible, in this arena. Non-existent.

If you’ve had this kind of disappointment when it comes to finding eating peace, or body peace….or really, thinking peace….then consider this today:

All is not lost.

You are alive, you are still aware, conscious, and able.

Beneath, or behind, or greater than your stressful, emotional, disturbing thoughts about food, eating, weight or appearance….

….there is a realm beyond thought.

Are you sure peace is not possible, today, for you? Are you sure you can’t stop eating, or that you already don’t? Are you sure something’s missing that’s not here and should be? Are you sure peace is someplace in another time, a future, the past…but not here?

Who would you be without this story?

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Mind out of control

A friend deep in thought held a pencil in his right hand with the eraser pressed against his bottom lip, and a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in his left hand. His brow was furrowed as he stared at the worksheet.

“This just isn’t right. Maybe it’s more like ‘he should quit bullying me’ instead of ‘he should quit insulting me’. Yes, I think that’s better.”

Placing the JYN on the coffee table between us, he furiously erased one word, for the tenth time, and replaced it with another.

I had said “What if you didn’t worry about the concept being perfect? Does it really matter what the specific words are or the exact thought?”

But it continued to be complicated.

He couldn’t stop thinking, wildly fast, worried about every next thought.

As he spoke quickly about that painful moment he remembered in time with his dad….he would mention another scene, an entirely different moment.

“My dad ALSO ran a furniture business. He did the same kind of thing to his customers as he did to me!” There was talking about what it was like in the furniture store growing up. Then another scene popped in, from age 14 instead of age 11. Lots of proof of this dad being a nutcase and hard to deal with.

Lots and lots and lots of proof.

Lots of sentences started with “he always would do x” or “he would always act like y”. Words pointed to these things constantly happening, repetitively.

This is the way that person is (or was). Always.

At the time, I had only been doing The Work more deeply, for about six months, and we were trading a session in facilitating each other. While I loved one-to-one sharing with most humans, I had no idea what to call this “problem” of becoming frantic and perfectionistic about The Work itself.

As it turned out….I would see it from time to time in other people as I became a facilitator professionally and dove into doing The Work more and more.

I have to identify the right thought. I have to identify the right moment. I have to explain, describe, search for the ideal moment to do The Work on. I have to “get” this. I must clearly find my negative and stressful beliefs and delete them immediately. NOW. This needs to go deep! I need a revelation! I need to fix my thoughts, and I can’t do it unless I find the right ones!!

LOL.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with slowing down and taking a very good long look at an uncomfortable relationship moment. It’s a powerful reflection. Sometimes there are many, many moments with one person in your life who’s been disturbing (so it seems). Helpful to review them, notice what your mind sticks to as it sees trouble in your life with that person.

In the case of my friend doing The Work, he was looking at a long history with his dad and feeling like the entire relationship was full of pain, sadness, hurt (and love, too, of course). He was also absolutely sure this father of his was a major problem and “made” him act nervous for the rest of his life.

But here’s a very funny awareness I saw somewhere along the way as I continued to look at the amazing process of doing The Work and undoing stressful thinking about all of life: the mind LOVES to fix problems. And it has to assume there is one in the first place, in order to take off with the task of doing what it does best: analyzing and solving problems, telling stories, finding explanations for what is.

But what if doing The Work isn’t about finding THE problem thought, or problem situation, or problem origin?

What if there’s nothing magical or mysterious or complicated about it at all?

What if the primary underlying stressful belief is “there’s a terrible problem here”? And then taking that sentiment through inquiry?

Or…even more simple, what if my primary problem is the result of thinking there’s a problem: I feel bad.

Whether it’s afraid, sad, angry, enraged, resentful, terrified, desperate. BAD, BAD, BAD. Mildly Bad or Horribly Bad. Doesn’t even really matter. (I also notice the mind loves to scale the experiences from 0 – 10 or categorize them from 1 Slightly Annoying to 10 Horror Show).

The process moves like this:

a) Something happens

b) You believe it shouldn’t have (in other words, it’s a problem)

c) You feel bad

d) You see image(s) in mind afterwards of the thing happening, maybe for many years and you keep trying to solve the problem

e) You continue to prove to yourself how it shouldn’t have happened and use the mind to discuss, analyze, review, tell the story, hunt for peace

Whew. Doesn’t that mind seem to have a life of it’s own?

But what if we just let go of the hunt for the solution, and followed the simple directions of doing The Work?

GASP! The mind can’t do that…what are you talking about?! Not try to find an answer to this predicament?

No solution required? But. But. What will I think about with my genius brain if there’s no problem? Huh?

Yes.

We’re simply taking one memory in time and writing down our thoughts about that situation, unedited. It really doesn’t even matter what the words actually are. I’m against that person, that energy, that event, that experience. Life is hard, and here’s my proof (show never-ending scenes to self of those disturbing moments in time).

No need to explain or try to figure out who made the mistake in that moment, or the perfect way to word it so I get the right answer.

What if there really indeed is No Right Answer?

The mind hates that!!

But it sure does make it easier to sit with a memory and write down the thoughts you have about it, if there’s no wrong way to do it.

For me, over here, looking at that person who is so sincerely trying to find the right wording, the right concept, the right way to say what was happening in his situation….

….I can also question that what I’m seeing them do isn’t right. A waste of time. Unnecessary. Over-analyzing. Perfectionistic. Anxiety-Riddled.

Is THAT true, that my friend is over-anxious, trying too hard, working at this with too much vengeance, demanding perfection?

No. That’s not true either.

The reality is, he’s thinking wildly, he’s taking off on tangents, he’s telling stories, his mind is going….and, I have no idea if that’s “wrong”.

In fact, I’m pretty sure, it isn’t.

How do I react with the thought he shouldn’t be drowning in his thoughts of getting it right, and upset about the grammar and wording as he does The Work?

Open minded about this process.

Trusting he’s getting what he needs in this moment, as I speak up, or don’t. Noticing I’m not in charge. I can move and flow with his sharing, and say what I did about not trying to get it so perfect. He will hear it, or not.

Turning this thought around: my friend is NOT over-anxious. He’s just right, sincere, committed. I’m over-anxious about HIS over-correcting. I’m over-concerned about “problems” for myself, just like HE is. I’m assuming there’s an easier way to do it, and a harder way….when everyone may have their own path. (They do).

I look over at my friend, without the thought he’s making it harder than it needs to be….and with the turnaround he’s just right as he is….and I notice how dear he is.

I notice how some beautiful inquiry happened, and he’s relaxing slowly but surely as best he can. Just like me.

“Eventually, mind discovers that it’s free, that it’s infinitely out of control and infinitely joyful. Eventually, it falls in love with the unknown. In that it can rest. And since it no longer believes what it thinks, it remains always peaceful, wherever it is or isn’t.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace