One of the most painful, desperate experiences that humans encounter is suicide.
Death is difficult all on its own.
And then….here it is, caused not by an accident, but by the one who died (it seems).
Sometimes with these greatest and most utterly devastating experiences, we might think “how could The Work help with that?”
Answering four questions and finding turnarounds….really?
But I’ve witnessed it several times.
The most recent, with a member of Year of Inquiry whose son’s dear friend killed himself.
This inquirer sat in The Work with our group, answering the four questions and finding turnarounds.
ABLE to answer the questions.
Who would you be without your story that suicide can’t be recovered from, or that we can’t find peace of some kind when it comes to the suicide of someone we loved?
Without the story of horror, I notice the resilience of the human spirit, even during horrendous heart-shattering experiences of loss or shock like suicide.
Without our terrifying thoughts about suicide (I could have prevented it, it shouldn’t be possible, they made a mistake, I made a mistake, my life is over)….
….I notice how we make it.
We make it, we survive it, we learn, we’re brought to our knees, we learn again, we love.
We learn all about truly unconditional love.
“….Anger, frustration, terror, prayers. These are a few of the ways we react when we believe what we think. It’s what the war with reality often looks like, and it’s not only insane, it’s hopeless, and very painful. But when you question your mind, thoughts flow in and out and don’t cause any stress, because you don’t believe them. And you instantly realize that their opposites could be just as true. Reality shows you, in that peace of mind, that there are no problems, only solutions. You know, to your very depths, that whatever happens is what should be happening. If I lose my grandchild or my daughter, I lose what wasn’t mine in the first place. It’s a good thing. Either that, or God is a sadist, and that’s not my experience.
“I don’t order God around. I don’t presume to know whether life or death is better for me or for anyone I love. How can I now that? All I know is that God is everything and God is good. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. “ ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg 138
You may be familiar with a poem about the Statue of Liberty in the United States, written in 1883 by Emma Lazarus.
I rather like thinking of her poetic words as if they were applied to our thoughts, which we’re so often banishing, dismissing, trying to change or trying to control.
“Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
Doesn’t it seem as if our stressed thinking is tired, poor, wretched? Homeless? Tempest-tost?
Goodness, yes.
I think of the four questions of The Work as the lamp, a way to walk through a door into….sanity, on solid ground. Whether you’ve had thoughts like: I need more time! She rejected me! I can’t take it anymore!
Or, even the greatest difficulties we humans face: loss, illness, despair, death, tragedy, suicide.
(We recently sat together in the Year of Inquiry for a most powerful investigation on a young man’s suicide known well by one of our YOI family).
You might think “how could answering four questions help in THIS situation?”
I find it does. Far more powerfully than often expected, if you’re willing to truly answer the questions.
We can’t change the world, but we certainly can find peace in our thinking about the world.
Where do you long to breathe free?
Always no fee, First Friday is offered almost every single month on the First Friday at 7:45 am. (Note: in December it’s 12/13).
This month we are using zoom. Come by video (you can turn on or off your sound or your video–whatever if comfortable for you). You can also dial in with your phone.
Or, dial by your location:+1 669 900 6833 US (San Jose)+1 646 876 9923 US (New York) Meeting ID: 988 954 937
This is the new link for every future First Friday.
To see the calendar of First Fridays and all things Work With Grace visit here.
Give The Work–the four questions and turnarounds–your tired, poor, huddled beliefs that cause suffering. Those beliefs yearning to be free, to come out into the light fby wy of inquiry in this human experience.
Send this lost, homeless, tempest-tossed thinking keeping us awake at night, agonizing, worrying, fretting, irritated, depressed….
….to a golden shore, a lamp called The Work.
Everyone is welcome to First Friday. Listen-only, sharing, the ones willing to do The Work out loud.
I have been asked similar questions so often in the past six months, it’s a little uncanny.
When I get asked a question many times, I finally listen (LOL). Some of us are a little thick.
The questions have been like this: “When are you going to have a month-to-month way to join Year of Inquiry?” or “Can I join right now, even though you already started?” or “Since I did Year of Inquiry before, how does repeating it work again?” or “Do you have a way to connect people for partnering in The Work?” (I get asked this last one a lot).
Seriously, I’m not sure why this has been the most asked year for these kinds of questions ever.
But it has made me go through the process of considering what many of us want, need, what brings us joy and what works money-wise and time-wise.
The current Year of Inquiry is Group #10! We just got underway in September. It feels like we’ve barely begun, and I love everyone already.
The inquiries have been profound: aging mothers, bored and stuck at work, family of origin, divorce, infertility, suicide.
So here’s what I have available right now if you’re seeking community in The Work and want to join with others to stay steady in your practice, learn to facilitate (yourself or others) better and better, and open to the ever-expanding road of questioning stressful thinking….
If you have already been a part of any Year Of Inquiry in the past at any time, you are invited and welcome to join the current program in either of the following ways:
a) Join the program starting November 2019 through August 2020, which includes Summer Camp for The Mind, in one discounted total.
A great way, and inexpensive way, to connect the whole rest of the year with others, visit all the monthly topics with new fresh eyes and situations, and have partners to work with who are a part of this community.
b) Join month-to-month for a minimum of three months. You decide when you need to pause or stop your participation.
If you are newer to The Work, or, totally new to Year of Inquiry and you’re really wanting to join, hit reply and write to me to see if it’s a good fit.
If you’ve never done YOI before start right away (November) through August for one fee or a monthly fee through August. If you’re new, we won’t have the coming-and-going option (yet) because my story is it’s tricky to jump into a group doing The Work without any experience doing it at all.
But I could question that.
I’m working on clarity for next year right now, so if you’re genuinely drawn, you feel like you can get what you need doing The Work through community and a shared journey.
I find, there’s nothing like doing this work in the company of others.
Which is a little funny.
Because, my story is I come out extreme on the introverted scale, so joining with others doesn’t really seem necessary.
Yes, I took that Myers Briggs test to score your level of introversion-extroversion and the other three personality arenas. At age 19 I came out INTP. Then age 33 or so I came out INFP. Then when my son was in high school psychology class he had me take a test online that I didn’t recognize (it was a newer version of the same thing). INFP again.
And always extreme on the introvert scale. On all these scores, I was so “introverted” there was almost zero extraverted affirmative answers.
(I don’t get it either).
However, it doesn’t mean you don’t like people, groups, connection, or conversation if you’re introverted. I happen to adore people and find them and this world absolutely fascinating.
But isn’t self-inquiry a journey to ultimately take on your own in the end?
I mean, whose mind is being questioned? Mine.
This is “self” inquiry.
Right?
Well.
What is this “self” we’re speaking of? Is this mind, this thinking process….yours?
When I first came to do The Work, I was well aware of acute suffering within me. I knew the person sitting on the chair next to me in my first workshop with Katie did NOT have the same problems as me. Their life was unique to them.
I was there for MY problems. I wanted ME to be different. I wanted desperately to see things more positively, and not feel so horrible about myself.
I even ignored the directions to judge my neighbor–meaning someone else–because I “already knew” it was ME who needed to change.
Is that true, though?
Can we absolutely know it’s true?
Even if you say “yes” this is an amazing story to ponder. It’s interesting to notice the huge argument I was having with reality, in thinking I should be different.
These are MY thoughts. This is MY personality. This is MY problem. This is MY way of thinking. I am messed up. I am in pain. I am NOT enlightened. Something is missing for ME. If only I could be different. I need to fix this suffering I am engaged in.
What happens when you believe you just need to get yourself sorted out, fix your own thinking, change your thoughts?
I tried to do it on my own. I felt ashamed of myself. I really didn’t want other people to hear my thinking (such bad, bad thinking). I was super embarrassed the first time I read a Judge Your Neighbor to another person.
Yikes.
Who would you be without this story?
What if it’s not YOUR story?
What if it’s simply a way the mind works; trying to survive, responding fearfully (which is not a crime), responding with worry about dis-connection or being banished from the tribe…Human. With emotions of all types and flavors.
Human needing support and contact with reality. Because self-critical thinking isn’t someone with a good handle on reality.
How do we know? It hurts.
Turning the belief around: This inquiry process is not personal. These are not my thoughts. This is not “my” personality. This is not only my problem. This is a common way of thinking. I am normal. I am in pain and will move out of pain. I am enlightened with every honest inquiry. Nothing is missing for me. If only I could be exactly the same as I am, without being against reality. I don’t need to fix this suffering I am engaged in.
Could all of this be just as true, or truer?
Without “my” story….I ask (or something asks) people to do this amazing inquiry process with me, and we look. Together.
Finding out you’re not alone, through these questions, is exciting, brilliant, peaceful.
If you need help or support in doing The Work, one place in the world you can share it with others is this Year of Inquiry group. Some people just keep on signing up for it every year.
Apparently I’m a good candidate for the ten year plan….and beyond. I need you all. I love each and every person who joins me on this journey. You’re supporting me, just by being you.
And even if you never join a group program, you can do this without signing up for anything. Find a mate who can ask you the four questions and listen.
Connection is a most profound energy. We are not alone. Something I read at the recent autumn retreat is very profound about this position we often take as “teacher”. I am being a “teacher” to myself in a very critical way when I believe I’m wrong. My ego is bursting with being sure I’m the awful, depressive, horrible, mean, messed up one–the one needing improvement.
Who would we all be without our stories of something being a problem, where you need to teach even yourself and your own mind the “right” way to be?
“The Work is wonderful, because it leaves you with the real thing, beyond all answers. t leaves you with no concept of who you should be. There are no models, no ideals; the goal isn’t to be wise or spiritual. You just notice what is. I like to say, ‘Don’t pretend yourself beyond your own evolution.’ What I mean by that is ‘Don’t be spiritual; be honest instead.’ It’s painful to pretend that you’re more evolved that you are, to be in the position of a teacher when it’s kinder to yourself to be in the position of a student. Inquiry is about the truth, which doesn’t necessarily look the way you think it’s supposed to look. Truth is no respecter of spirituality. It only respects itself, just as it appears now. And it’s not serious; it’s just God laughing at the cosmic joke” ~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy, page 194
Hit reply and ask me about joining Year of Inquiry for the rest of the year (or for YOI alumni, at least 3 months any time between now and August). We’ll get you on board.
Much love, Grace
December 5-8 I’m with the good Tom Compton as we co-facilitate a winter retreat at Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon (filling fast)
Eating Peace Retreat January 15-20 in Seattle is a wonderful adventure in freedom from eating concerns, eating thoughts, consuming thoughts, worries about fatness or thinness–a few more spots (retreat house is full with the exception of a shared room for a woman–you would have a twin bed)
January 27: eating peace experience with Grace–please apply
Recently when at autumn retreat on the east coast to share The Work of Byron Katie, I said at the beginning of the program during an introduction that if anyone at all had any questions about food or eating, I’d be happy to talk at any time during our days together.
Several people came with questions, mostly in private.
One woman mentioned she was nauseated after eating, and often had too much.
We talked about that moment. The crazy trance-like zombie eating moment where you can’t stop (or you feel that way) and the sense is it’s like an emergency is happening.
Urgency is a great story to question.
If you’d love to question this belief system, and many that drive the over-eating or obsessing we do about food….
….come to retreat in January. Three spots left. It’s powerful, kind, compassionate and life-changing.
Eating Peace Retreat Jan 15-20, 2020. We’ll question the way we see reality, and the thinking that causes urgent eating and much more, and change the way we eat.
Also…we’ll be starting Eating Peace Process Immersion, an online in-depth program to support change from the inside out with eating issues of any kind. It begins the end of January and runs through April.
For anyone interested who is new to the eating peace process, please apply and set up a one-on-one intro call with me (after November 15th) to learn more about the new upcoming immersion program. Read more here.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. In one week, come to First Friday Inquiry Jam. This is the free open inquiry we do most First Fridays of every single month from 7:45-9:15am PT. See the Work With Grace public calendar here and join me on zoom next week!
As the autumn retreat came to a close on Sunday, I was touched beyond words with the beauty of each and every participant.
Something about The Work allows a quick dive to a very intimate connection when people gather to do it together.
You get to hear the concern, objection, suffering–even if only on one or two key topics–that people have been carrying like a burden without knowing how to set it down.
These are the thoughts we think we’re supposed to keep to ourselves. The mean, ugly, disturbing thoughts.
Thoughts like: my husband irritates me, I won’t have enough money in 18 months, my in-laws wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer, my managers gossiped about me, I’m not adequate to be a mother, my son is too anxious.
Every time someone spoke their story into the room, I heard a voice that said “this is me.”
It’s difficult for me to come up with a stressful thought to share with you, and question right in front of you like I always do, when I’m so full of gratitude, and energy, and…gratitude.
And gratitude.
This kind of sharing with self-inquiry flowing through everyone cuts to a deep intimacy. And quick.
I kept thinking “these people are so brave, so fascinating, so supportive, so sincere”.
(I get to do this again December 5-8 in Oregon with Tom Compton. A few spaces available, so call Breitenbush 503-854-2230 and join us for cozy winter retreat to question wintry thinking. I like thinking of it as solstice “enlightenment” prep).
But. Now that I think about it. There was a moment during the retreat. As in, right in the middle of a live circle sharing time.
Uh oh.
LOUD NOISE coming from the distance, from humans playing loud music, talking and partying, laughing and squealing.
Wait…what?! Is that what I think it is? Really? I peek out the window.
The neighboring Amish-style lodge also overlooking an expansive Poconos forest was previously empty. Now, at least 8 people stand or sit on the wide outdoor deck off over yonder. Brown beer bottles on the banister. Sliding doors open wide, music speakers set up outside, blasting music. A hand waving a cigarette.
Here comes the “no” from within me.
Someone in our circle is sharing. I concentrate on her words, her face.
I want to wipe the noise away so I can keep hearing what she’s saying.
But a voice inside of my own head is saying “the minute we break, I walk over there myself, or call the phone number that’s been listed for any trouble or issue”.
I also then feel something curious and rather wonderful, because we’re all here together at retreat perhaps and The Work is singing in everyone’s ears….
….which is the feeling of relaxed gentleness even thoughan apparent interruption has occurred.
This is bad.
Is it true?
I see the eyes and faces of everyone in the group–no one appears the least bit concerned. The person speaking is openly speaking, not mentioning the noise.
Sun streams through the windows.
We come to a natural break moments later, and I call the number immediately for “trouble”, a man answers, and he says he’ll take care of it immediately–kindness. Moments later after that, the noise stops.
I wonder how the message was delivered so quickly, and feel appreciation at how quickly the “problem” was handled.
I feel appreciation for how The Work is not about being passive, or saying it isn’t true there’s noise.
There was sound.
But no anger or fear or war. A message. Time to meet the happening arising in the moment called humanity-having-fun-in-their-own-particular-way.
I did find out later, a few people in our lodge heard the other group in the other lodge during the previous night, and they had a hard time sleeping.
So another thought rose up: nothing should disturb these sweet people at this retreat, who I am responsible for. I should have been able to prevent that from happening.
I love that the four questions are here steady and waiting, ready to meet any new thought.
It never means I don’t take action. Action comes faster without any stress about it.
“As we do The Work, not only do we remain alert to our stressful thoughts–the ones that cause all the anger, sadness, and frustration in the world–but we question them, and through that questioning the thoughts lose their power over us.” ~ Byron Katie
Off I go on an airplane to the east coast to facilitate a retreat for three days in The Work in an unusual place for me: Poconos Mountains, Pennsylvania.
I can’t wait. Fall leaves changing color. Crisp air. My bags are packed and I’m ready to go. (I’m leavin’ on a jet plane….)
And, I notice a few thoughts.
One of them, I did in my facebook live where I do The Work in person right there on my page on Mondays. You’ll find it here. (Scroll down a wee bit–it’ll be the first post you run into with me on video). Anyone who wants me to do The Work on a thought you suggest, send it to me. Those pesky thoughts.
They shout: “don’t forget the passport!” “put some tylenol in just in case you’re getting a cold!” “I need to know what the layout of the lodge looks like…right now!” “bring your vitamins!” “what about your charger!”
Ay me.
The mind just loves to imagine the future.
It needs to know what the future will look like because….without knowing, we’ll have to “wing it” as they say.
Which won’t be easy. Or good. It won’t be perfect. It won’t be relaxing.
It’s really much, much better to know what will happen and what the lay of the land will look like.
Right?
Are you sure?
I notice, I never know exactly what’s going to happen. Perhaps this means that knowing what will happen is notcommon in reality, at least not mine.
And not required.
How do you react when you believe you need to know what will happen, or make sure you don’t forget anything important? Or understand exactly where you’ll be sleeping on a night when you don’t know yet?
Anxious.
(Visions of a memory come to mind of driving in the middle of the night trying to find a camping spot in Oregon in 1992 with my first husband, and being shocked that every single hotel and camp sight was entirely packed, in August.)
Maybe you go over the list several times. Maybe you see pictures of what terrible things will happen if it goes “wrong”. The unkindness of people, feeling lost, having to suffer because you didn’t bring x, y or z.
But who would you be without the belief you’ll suffer in the future unless you do all the things you think you need to do in order to be happy….later?
Who would you really be, right now, without the belief you need to know, or it won’t go well, or you can prevent something dangerous from happening, or that you’ll suffer in any way at all?
WOW.
Isn’t it exciting?
I love not having the thought that I need to know more than I know. Or do extra planning (unless that’s fun).
Without the belief, I imagine the hilarity of being somewhere with lost luggage and having absolutely nothing. I imagine something liberating about that. Only the clothes on my back. Nothing missing. Nothing lost.
The wonder arises, if you’ve ever been in that wild and fun situation, of the kindness of strangers who show up and hand you things you need, or ask if you need help, or give you a ride or a bed for the night.
Noticing the possibility of the friendliness of the universe. Turning it around: I don’t need to know what will happen, the layout of the land, the details. I pack my bag, and the bag may or may not appear in New York where I’ll land–maybe.
I don’t need to know those things right now.
Right now, I’m here in my sweet living room, getting ready to jump on the phone with the Year of Inquiry people and share in The Work (amazing group of people, I notice).
Right now, I hear wind chimes blowing and a fly buzzing in the room.
I get to join with myself in this quiet moment, and then shortly with others voices, as we “walk each other home”. That’s what someone in Year of Inquiry just said last Friday.
It’s a quote from Ram Dass: We’re all walking each other home, step by step, supporting each other, listening, sharing, opening up, presenting our thoughts, getting other perspectives, hearing The Work.
If this is the deep feeling in Year of Inquiry, couldn’t it be the very same in the whole wide world?
“We’re all going to the same place, and we’re all on a path. Sometimes our paths converge. Sometimes they separate, and we can hardly see each other, much less hear each other. But on the good days, we’re walking on the same path, close together, and we’re walking each other home.” ~ Ram Dass
And today, another treat of someone whose path has converged with mine, and I’m so glad for it: Jodi Patisner.
We had a lovely talk about The Work in our lives, and Jodi shared her story of finding The Work in 2004 and all she’s encountered with it along the way.
Best picture ever, right?
Speaking of sharing and retreats: I have one cot available for a woman in Pennsylvania at the gorgeous “amish-style” retreat lodge. You want to jump into self-inquiry this very weekend and walk home with us? 5-4-3-2-1 Join us! We begin Thursday 10/17 evening and end Sunday 10/20 noon. Hit reply and let me know, I’ll send you the scoop.
Much love,Grace
P.S. In the winter months ahead, come join me for inquiry and sharing The Work:
December 5-8 I’m with the good Tom Compton as we co-facilitate a winter retreat at Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon (filling fast)
Eating Peace Retreat January 15-20 in Seattle is a wonderful adventure in freedom from eating concerns, eating thoughts, consuming thoughts, worries about fatness or thinness–a few more spots (retreat house is full with the exception of a shared room for a woman–you would have a twin bed)
Have you longed to understand the beliefs, perspective and ideas that lead to eating? Eating Peace Retreat allows the time to do just that. We meet January 15-20 in Seattle. Read about it here. I’d be honored to have you.
But here’s a hint: slowing everything down entirely can allow us to hear what we’re thinking, and relax instead of panic.
It’s not easy….but it may not be hard, either.
Some of us, when we’ve tried absolutely everything to solve a problem (like eating, but anything else as well) and we come to a point when there’s nothing left to do….
….it seems like we could collapse in despair.
Collapsing, stopping, slowing way down…..this may have its benefits far beyond anything you could discover outside yourself.
