Month: July 2013

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When Learning Something New Seems Too Hard

Learning something new, like a language, a method, a system, a routine….can be really fun….or really aggravating.

Can’t I just know it already?

You mean I have to learn ALL THOSE WORDS in a whole different language?

This will take forever. Boring. Not worth it. Too much energy. Too hard.

Recently, you may be able to tell I’m having a little issue working with fonts in my emails here at DIY (Do It Yourself) technologies.

The font is different today than it was yesterday.

I clicked on something a couple of weeks ago and my usual format changed, without me realizing it.

Some people couldn’t actually READ Grace Notes anymore. Print too small.

So I changed it again (and that required figuring out how I changed it my accident the first time)…

…and the newer font lined up weirdly for some people, and turns out, still too small.

This one may be too big, who knows (by the way feel free to write me back and say “it works! thumbs up!” or “Noooooo!”)

I also happened, mostly by accident, to discover that the little square box thingy that pops up when people come to my website was not working.

When someone entered their email to subscribe to Grace Notes, it took them to a training program on how to make those box opt-in subscribe thingies look really awesome.

Oops.

I also learned what a “ping-back” is. I thought it was bad.

I would receive a message “you have gotten a ping-back…”

I had an image of a ping-pong ball hitting my head after I threw it, ricocheting off the ceiling, electric impulses bouncing around the computer….and the computer exploding.

But it turns out, it means someone has created a link to my Grace Notes post from their blog or website. Which can be helpful for readers.

Sometimes it appears that learning comes in small teensy baby steps.

Starting with the alphabet, for example.

One little piece at a time. One step at a time. Repeating the dance routine over and over, saying the speech, meditating for five minutes (not an hour), googling the word “ping-back” after seeing it ten times.

The only time things are really stressful, I find, is when I picture where I want to be, or what my purpose is in learning something, and think these kinds of thoughts:

  • this is going to take a loooooooooooong time to learn
  • it’s too late to become really good at this
  • that other person does it way better
  • it won’t make a positive difference in my life after I learn it
  • it’s too complicated
  • I don’t get this now, so I probably won’t get it tomorrow either
  • life should be easy and this is hard—I quit
  • I’ll just think about it some more

If I had believed these thoughts about my recovery from having a troubling relationship with food and eating, I’m not sure where I would be now.

Well, I did THINK these kinds of thoughts, but I didn’t believe them entirely, for some reason (maybe grace itself).

I was very determined, very early, to become obsession-free around my body, food and eating. I was in so much pain, with a terrible eating disorder, it felt like a matter of life or death (it was).

But with less intense desires for learning, like how to change fonts in email programs, it can be quite wonderful to question these beliefs.

Who would I be without the thought that learning all these little techy things are a waste of time, or boring, or don’t matter, or take me away from other more important ventures?

Who would I be without the thought that learning a very small, tiny little thing that appears before me as a call for an adjustment, is not fun?

I notice that all the technological details I’ve researched and learned are quite fascinating.

I turn the thoughts all around to their opposite, and consider each one, and find examples of how they are also true:

  • this is going to “give” time to me, and it’s going to “take” the perfect amount of time
  • it’s not too late to become really good at this
  • other people who do it way better are people to watch, inspirations!
  • it will make a positive difference in my life after I learn it
  • it’s not too complicated
  • I don’t get this now, but I may get it tomorrow
  • life should be hard and this is easy—I’ll keep going
  • I’ll try it!
“When someone says, I can’t do it, or, It’s too difficult, I’ll never be able to afford…I’ll never be as wise as…. I might say, ‘Oh, so this is your plan for the future. I hear you.’  The truth is that, for all you know, you can do it, it isn’t too difficult, you will be able to, etc. How can you know the future? The future isn’t here yet! Question what you are believing, open the space to ‘Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Who would I be without that thought, right here, right now?’ Turn it around to the opposite and find examples of why your can’t-do plans actually could be NOT true, for all you know.” ~ Byron Katie

Where do you dismiss in yourself what you’d really like to try, what you’d love to learn, to know about?

Much love, Grace

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Getting Un-Addicted To Addictive Thinking

Yesterday I received not one, but two letters from participants in the One Year Program of Inquiry that I facilitate.

Our group began meeting in June, and we connect by phone or skype with a different topic each month. Then we’ll meet live and in person in both September and next March (for those who can travel to Seattle).

I’m excited, because a second group will start on Thursdays, Sept 12th in the afternoon instead of the mornings (5:15 to 6:45 pm).

Here is what these sincere inquirers wrote:

Dear Grace,
I am grateful for your classes, and your spirit, and just doing what you do. The relationships I’ve developed through your classes…with you…and others…it’s so amazing how there are now all these like-minded people in my life…and how these relationships of radical openness spill over into “regular” relationships…with [my friend], my sisters, my Mom, Brother in law, nephew…just seems to be more and more a way of being. ~ JB A Year Of Inquiry Program
 
And to our Private Group Forum:
Hi All! I’d like to say how much I’m enjoying being a part of this group. I thank you all very much for coming together and making it possible. (I thank me, too, for this gift to myself:) ~ DS A Year of Inquiry Program
There is no one more grateful and impressed  than ME by the sweet connection, authenticity and determination of the people who chose to join.

The full title of the year is A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind. 

(But I like to call it YOI for short. It makes me laugh).

Addictive MIND? But no one in this group is consumed by addictive behavior, or using drugs or alcohol all the time, or engaging in intense or flippant compulsive behavior, or lying in the gutter…..

….they really aren’t.

And yet they answered a call of being invited to join for a full year with fellow passengers on a journey to understand their own compulsive and painful thinking.

They all wanted to investigate the thoughts, ideas and notions that create their own suffering.

They wanted to do it over the passage of time….so that events, changes, or circumstances might occur, and they’d have a support group to work with as life happened.

That’s what I have signed myself up for, as I have worked with groups and teachers being a student of The Life of Grace Bell (whoever that is) and the Human Condition.

Addiction is defined in the dictionary as the state of being enslaved to a habit or a practice.

It feels true with thinking sometimes…..have you noticed?

Something alarming happens, someone says something threatening, there is change….and the mind is off and running, believing everything that makes it nervous.

Addictive thinking is that automatic reactive thinking that works faster than the speed of light, it seems, at believing that uncomfortable (or excruciating) things are absolutely true, without stopping to question them.

On the flip side, it is also believing that I want more, and more, and more of the Truth, of feeling good, whatever that may be.

Very tricky mind.

The mind, which appears to have a compulsive way about it, says “grow this beautiful state of experience over here” and then “get away from that nasty experience over there“.

Once when I was in meditation retreat, a man came to the microphone and told his terrible story of heroine addiction.

The teacher, Adyashanti, commented that this man’s addictive process was just like everyone else’s! Even the people trying to catch the drug of spiritual enlightenment and bliss all day long!

“Addictions are always the effect of an unquestioned mind. The only true addiction to work with is the addiction to your thoughts. As you question those thoughts, that addiction ceases because you no longer believe those thoughts. And as those thoughts cease, as you cease to believe them, then the addictions in your life cease to be. It is a process.” ~ Byron Katie

Once inquiry begins, this way of thinking followed by immediately reacting begins to slow down.

Relaxing becomes possible, without anything needing to change in our environment.

Pain is present still….it appears that this is something that is a part of life. Pain, death, loss, sickness, hardship, fear….all here in this world, in the middle of this life.

The pain of my father’s death, my friend who just died at age 22, the best friend I thought I once knew having committed a stunning betrayal, the man who dramatically threatened to kill himself, the woman who lied, the man who was verbally violent, the desperation of some I have met….

….all so painful. Destruction appears to happen here. Endings. Change. Goodbyes. Beginnings. More Endings.

But ongoing suffering? Ruminating on the past? Thinking about all these painful events over and over? Asking why, endlessly? Trying to avoid them ever ever happening again?

Surrendering, not believing that is it absolutely true that it is all a House of Horrors and a Big Mess….knowing there is nothing I can do about any of it…..the suffering fades away.

I am open to what is mysterious in this moment, the Great Unknown.

I notice I am breathing and still here, today. I notice my heart is beating. Or should I say, “this” heart is beating (I’m quite sure now it is not “mine”).

“Suddenly I realized that what I was addicted to was me–me, the one who was struggling; me, the one who was striving for enlightenment; me, the one who was confused. I was a junkie for me. Even as I was trying to get beyond myself, to break through to a different view, I couldn’t because I was actually addicted to me. And there wasn’t a secret about how to get un-addicted. I had to get to the point where I bottomed out, where I stopped, where I realized that I didn’t know anything.” ~ Adyashanti

Oh boy!

If you’re ready to Un-Know Everything, practice self-inquiry with others, learn to facilitate well, study your thoughts, connect intimately…

….then come join us starting in September for a Year of Inquiry.

YOI for YOU!

Read all about it by clicking here.

And if this group isn’t quite right, check out the other telegroup classes below, find a partner to work with, or just begin by writing down your stressful beliefs and calling the Help Line to speak to a volunteer facilitator (I am sometimes there too!)

Much love, Grace

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Letting Go In Grief

Yesterday morning I learned that a young man had died who I did not know extremely well. Not the details of his life, or what he was doing every day.

Whatever “knowing” someone extremely well means….

I had found him totally and completely delightful and sweet, like giving him a big huge hug, from the moment I met him. Like recognizing a long-lost friend.

He came to the dance I facilitate with my partner, and several other dances attended by many people who love to dance in Seattle.

When I learned he was gone, I began to weep.

He reminded me of my son from the very start….they look fairly similar, are close in age, and have a kind-hearted, joyful, unassuming energy.

Maybe this is why I felt so tender towards him.

Or maybe it was because he reminded me of myself.

Seeking answers, asking questions, craving understanding, observing the love and pain of this world and having a great hunger to know.

When I was 22, the age of this dear young man, I suffered deeply from my own thoughts about life and death.

Life actually felt very difficult at the time. I had dropped out of college. I wasn’t sure which direction to take. I wanted only to read philosophical works, spiritual scripture and sacred text, and talk about meaningful life-and-death matters.

Fortunately (I can now say it was fortunate) that never stopped.

And here today, learning of this death, I feel very contemplative and full of grief.

Almost like its too much to write about, and yet it is here, filling my consciousness.

Death feels so decisive, permanent. It feels like loss.

Every single one of us has known others who have died.

And what is this moment when the awareness that someone is gone occurs, and there is a powerful energy that moves like a great wave?

The temporary nature of everything presents itself.

Here again today….everything is temporary.

This past year I have encountered two other deaths of people I knew and loved. I still think about them. I still see them talking, smiling, in my mind. So vivid.

I still see my own father, gone so many years apparently, standing in the kitchen, cooking and wearing a big chef’s apron. Like it was yesterday.

Talking, smiling, his facial expressions, his wire-rimmed glasses.

The mind calls up the picture with such acute precision, so real.

Then the feeling enters, an expression of the thoughts and beliefs.

The grief pours in when I have the thought “I will never have that again” or “I want more of this image, this person, but more is impossible”.

Can I be with this memory, and allow it to live, in big-screen technicolor? Just let it be here, this full-blown memory of this wonderful person who I loved?

Because when I can let it live here in this present moment, when I take in my surroundings (oak table, green chairs, silver laptop computer, family baby photos, sound of airplane, white flower in vase, pink fingernails typing) then this is all here, as well as the internal image (his face, smiling, laughing, head tipped back, brown eyes, happiness).

All here. Things, pictures, memories, feelings, grief, appreciation, love.

Unknown, mysterious, impermanent, wild.

Letting go of the demand, the ache to have more of something….more time, more connection, more of that memory, that person, more, more, please more.

Even being with the feeling of wanting more.

Recently, a dear friend offered this poem on the anniversary of her husband’s passing.

Today, I share it with you, in honor of those who have gone before, whose images I hold in my mind and heart.

When the heart breaks open with letting go.

Walking Away
For Sean
C Day Lewis

It is eighteen years ago, almost to the day –
A sunny day with leaves just turning,
The touch-lines new-ruled – since I watched you play
Your first game of football, then, like a satellite
Wrenched from its orbit, go drifting away

Behind a scatter of boys. I can see
You walking away from me towards the school
With the pathos of a half-fledged thing set free
Into a wilderness, the gait of one
Who finds no path where the path should be.

That hesitant figure, eddying away
Like a winged seed loosened from its parent stem,
Has something I never quite grasp to convey
About nature’s give-and-take – the small, the scorching
Ordeals which fire one’s irresolute clay.

I have had worse partings, but none that so
Gnaws at my mind still. Perhaps it is roughly
Saying what God alone could perfectly show –
How selfhood begins with a walking away,
And love is proved in the letting go. 

Love, Grace

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Compared To Me….Your Situation Is

It is C*R*A*Z*Y how much the mind loves to compare.

Sometimes it seems to be in constant motion, holding up two or more scenarios and picking which one it likes best.

We compare that person’s situation to our own situation, and the neighbors situation, and the people we knew ten years ago and their situation, and our mother’s situation, and our siblings’ situations.

When someone tells us that they are having a hard time, our mind scans the files we have, memories, seeing if it can relate.

We’ll start to say, whether out loud or inwardly; “oh, yes, I had a friend who had that disease once….who got married like that….I myself was in a similar accident….there was the time a member of my family also had….I encountered that too…”

It’s almost an automatic way to relate to others, to refer back to what WE have heard and experienced and learned and believed that is similar to what they’re telling us.

The other day in a waiting room I heard one woman say to another that her aunt had died.

The one who was listening to the news of the aunt’s death began saying “oh that is so terrible, so hard…oh dear. The caregiver must not have anything to do now, that is probably a big loss in the caregiver’s life. Oh how terrible..”

There was  a lot of humming and ooo-ing and there-there-ing, and awwww-how-sad in between the words.

The other woman, whose aunt had died, said, after a pause…“um, well, no, the caregiver is actually quite happy that my aunt is now free from being sick, and happy that she herself is free from having to be the caretaker!”

The one who had been ooohing and ahhhing about the death sort of said “oh!” with surprise.

I smiled at over-hearing the assumption made, and then the correction of the assumption.

Sometimes we get corrected in our views, which is one version of having our beliefs questioned, in a very simple way…..

Someone tells us!

But here’s the tricky thing I notice about comparison…..

….it’s a lot more intense, sort of crucial and painful and deep, based on how much stress we are feeling about our situation.

We might start to compare our lives to other people who have it better.

We lose our income, our house burns down, our partner leaves…..

….and our friends who have just won the lottery, built a new house, or gotten married produce a sort of frosty feeling inside us when we’re with them and they are talking about their good fortunes.

Ooops. Comparison has descended.

I look worse off than they do. Uh oh. Cry!!!

Too bad, in these situations, someone can’t come in and just tell us that we’re off, that we’re not seeing things clearly, and that we’re making assumptions that really aren’t true.

But wait! We DO have a signal, actually, that tells us we’re not seeing things clearly!

It’s called STRESS. An uncomfortable feeling. Resistance. Upset.

When I ran out of all my money, and then had bills, and a mortgage and no way to pay it, I was soooooo terrified and depressed.

I felt down, fatigued, and yet couldn’t sleep well. I was doing The Work and looking at my beliefs as if my life depended on it (it did).

I would feel calm and serene, and realize that I was breathing and fine even though my financial life was like the Titanic sinking. I would realize I was absolutely OK.

And then…..I would go on a walk.

About 3 blocks from my street was the edge of a gorgeous lane. The neighborhood suddenly became lakeside real estate.

Lush gardens, well-tended and plush mansions, boats, docks, automobiles of the highest calibre, marble statues.

My ears had fumes coming out of both sides within twenty minutes of the walk.

How did THESE people do it? Why were THEY getting so much? Why didn’t I have an estate on the lake?

What was I doing wrong? 

By comparison…..they are SO MUCH BETTER.

Stop.

Inquiry time. This is called aggravation, envy, angst, agony. Comparison.

Who would I be without the thought that what I am seeing means something about me?

What if I don’t need to relate or understand or have a similar experience or “get” exactly what they did….in order to be happy?

I might quit comparing, and perhaps even see things with new, fresh eyes.

I noticed that as I walked down the street, without the thought that they had it better and I was lacking something…..

…..I was walking through a most amazing world.

It was like Alice in Wonderland, a magical bounty of vision everywhere: trees, sky, sidewalk, cars, wood, glass, colors, views, fountains, art, ornaments…..

……all right here, in my world, in my awareness.

Nothing missing, nothing gone or absent that “should” be there (for me) but instead a whole universe jam-packed with beauty everywhere.

Even though I was perceiving myself in that moment as not “owning” or having the same kinds of things.

Perhaps no comparison was necessary in order to be intimately connected with whatever was going on around me, or with whoever I was talking with.

No need to find common experience or common ground, no need to see them as separate or better.

Without busily comparing everything to Me and My Experience, a great relaxation occurs.

What a cute little mind, so busy busy busy constantly checking in to see if this body/person is doing OK, by comparison.

“One must be willing to stand alone-in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility. One must stand in that dark light, in that groundless embrace, unwavering and true to the reality beyond all self–not just for a moment, but forever without end. For then that which is sacred, undivided, and whole is born within consciousness and begins to express itself.” ~ Adyashanti 

Without measuring and comparing myself to everything and everyone else, the amount of money I have, the amount of attention I have, the amount of enlightenment I have is totally and completely unimportant.

And it can’t be measured. Everything starts to blur together.

There is enough of everything.

Freedom!

“Basically without comparison, you have a happy life in every moment.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Geographical Cure Trying To Change The Dream

Major life transitions can bring for many people a sense of foreboding, planning, thrill, anxiety, or nervousness about the unknown.

When even one thing is changing in someone’s life, where day-to-day living is altered in some way, then this can be categorized as a “transition” or period of adding something or subtracting something to or from your life.

Change.

The change may be exciting or frightening….positive or negative….anticipated or surprising.

I remember Stress Level Tests asking questions about whether or not you had moved, started or ended a program of study, gotten married or divorced, lost or started a job, traveled, taken care of someone, lost a loved one or had a baby, had the last child leave the home (empty nest) or had a visitor added to your home.

All of these got numbers assigned to them as Stressful Situations.

Even the fun stuff.

The other day I was remembering how I used to feel about Change. 

It was a love-hate relationship. Kind of like the gas pedal pushed to the floor, and the brakes on at 100% at the very same time.

It was like one side of me needed to analyze, calculate, make sure and hesitate before I would make any changes, or take much action….I was believing I needed to be careful and that it was important to know what was going to happen next.

I would be frightened of making a mistake, I needed to weight the pros and cons almost endlessly.

On the other hand, if I believed that what was likely happening next was TERRIBLE, then I’d make changes wildly fast, making big decisions very quickly.

Something would frighten me, and I’d be off like a rabbit.

In the past, suddenly, I was moving to Colorado. Suddenly, I was joining Weight Watchers. Suddenly, I was moving to a commune in Eastern California. Or applying for a training/educational program, or dropping out of college, or quitting my job.

I’ve had my share of friends and family say “Wait…what? Where are you going? What are you doing? How long has this been in the works?”

“When you run in fear, it’s square into the wall.” ~ Byron Katie

In the Twelve Step programs, there is a term called “The Geographical Cure”.

A Geographical Cure specifically is believing that moving, changing locations, starting fresh, uprooting, switching tracks, entering a program….will help life become more pleasant, more fun, more successful.

Sometimes this is VERY true, and people make amazing changes that move them away from a difficult, repetitive, unhappy groove. Nothing wrong with it.

But it can be very, very profoundly helpful to sit quietly and think about whatever transition this change you have in mind may offer, and investigate it first.

Not in order to become paralyzed or trapped with indecision…but to look with the greatest clarity possible.

I love beginning with questioning the thoughts “I need to do something” and “I need to know what will happen”.

With those thoughts, I think that the place I am, here, is less-than ideal.

“Here” needs improvement, maybe BIG TIME.

It would be better if….(I had a partner, more money, lived in Hawaii, had a better job, didn’t have this boss, had more clients, etc).

Who would I be without the thought that where I am, in this situation, is terrible?

Without the thought that I need to do something ASAP…and I need to pick the right thing to do because I need to know what will happen is good?

Wow, the lightness I experience, the lack of panic, the freedom from compulsion to DO SOMETHING is absolutely fantastic.

The feeling fades away of having a dictator shouting at me to CHANGE. NOW.

I don’t push myself to plan, make lists, weigh the merits or concerns of different choices.

I even stop talking to everyone about what THEY would do, I stop gathering endless amounts of data.

Turning around the thought, to consider the opposite way of approaching an apparent need to change….

….I imagine what it would be like to believe that where I am now is fine, that it has some benefits, that it is safe, that I can find appreciation for this situation….

…yes, even the most taxing or difficult or frightening situation.

Considering the idea that I do not need to do anything, or that I need to know what will happen in my future, I am realizing that everything is fluid.

I am not stuck. I am free. I am open. I can wait, without so much fear.

No mistakes possible.

Instead of heavy analysis, carefulness, caution, worry, dread, considering all possible scenarios….

….a sweet and peaceful freedom.

“Don’t try to change the dream, because trying to change it is just another movement in the dream. Look at the dream. Be aware of the dream. That awareness is It. Become more interested in the awareness of the dream than in the dream itself. What is that awareness? Who is that awareness? Don’t go spouting out an answer, just be the answer. Be It.” ~ Adyashanti

Mindfully investigating, being with the stressful thoughts, who knows what will happen.

But it will probably be good.

Love, Grace

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Slow Down To Do The Work If You’re In A Hurry

Quick announcement day: A few more spots left for August 10th Mini Retreat, a lovely afternoon diving into The Work in private retreat cottage northeast Seattle (Goldilocks Cottage) 1:30-5:30 pm.

This is time set aside for exploring your mind and investigating your stressful beliefs, something so many people crave, yet seem to never wind up actually doing.

4 CEUs can be earned for mental health professionals through the Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work.

Beginners and experienced welcome—this is a wonderful afternoon to practice doing The Work with a partner as well as a small group, facilitate someone else, improve your inquiry skills, and meet like-minded inquirers….all with good guidance and Q & A time.

For information and to register, click here. Limited to a group of 12 max.

If you can’t come in August, the next one is October 19th.

And speaking of setting aside time for yourself for exploring your mind….

Why is this something that we know is so deeply helpful in life, and yet, we avoid it, dismiss it, put it off for later, and don’t get around to it until we’re often so stressed we’re in excruciating pain?

I know for me, I want things to be easy, finger-snapping quick, simple, painless AND I don’t want to feel bad, to discover I made a mistake, to be upset with myself.

I don’t like discovering that I’ve been wrong, that I wasn’t seeing something with clear and loving eyes, or that I was taking something way too seriously.

Especially if I had it wrong about someone I’ve known my whole life!

(Hi mom!!)

To take the time for retreat, to focus, to slow down appears to take effort. It appears that we need to schedule this time in our lives.

Maybe it has always been this way, and that’s why people have chosen to live for periods of contemplation and silence in monasteries.

These mini-retreats are made short and simple…and they are created so that we take the time, we focus on ourselves and our personal journey of understanding.

Only four hours. You can even sleep in. We have lots of snacks.

I find over and over again, these retreats bring compassion, love, and honesty to any stressful situation. They bring just a little ease and relief, or a lot.

You never know when one brick taken out of a wall of beliefs about the universe with make the whole thing topple down, with Joy left over.

From Byron Katie’s website Frequently Asked Questions:

Do I have to write? Can’t I just ask the questions and turn my statements around in my head when I have a problem?

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

Come give yourself time to stop your mind on paper. To actually sit with the painful beliefs you think, and wonder about them in a powerful way.

Who knows what can happen from there.

If you don’t live in the Pacific Northwest, then join a teleclass coming up in the fall and call in from anywhere in the world.

Or connect with someone who loves investigating their mind and their perception of the universe, and ask each other powerful questions and hear each other’s answers.

It can be very difficult to do The Work all by yourself. At least that has been my personal experience and what I hear reported from many people.

Give yourself a break. If you’re in a hurry to reach understanding, do The Work.

Love, Grace

To comment on this Grace Note…click HERE!

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Mondays, October 21-December 9, 2013 8-9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here.
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 8/10, 10/19, 11/30, 1:30-5:30 pm. 2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Who’s Bugging You? Parent, Child, Spouse, Partner, Boss, Client…bring them. Thursdays, September 12 – November 7, 2013 8 – 9:30 am PT Register Here.
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Fridays, September 13 – October 25, 2013 10-11:30 am PT. 6 week teleclass. Register Here.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend! Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 10 am – 9 pm Sat and 10 am – 5 pm Sun. Stay tuned for details coming soon.
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I Must Try To Be A Good Person

One of the most interesting areas of investigation of my own behavior has been around understanding my beliefs of the way I think people “should” behave if we are all supposed to be civilized, nice, generous, kind human beings.

If we’re good people, we act like “this” (make a list). And if everyone acted like that, then things would go well.

We’ll say that someone is a really “good” person. But why?

We like them. We want to be around them. We’re inspired by them. They’re safe. They’re responsible. They’re genuine. They’re honest. They care!

It’s easy to see how people should NOT behave.

That’s a bad person over there, saying those rude words, doing that appalling thing, thinking their mean, nasty thoughts, expressing difficult feelings, and acting horrible.

We almost instantly know when there is someone who is not falling into the category of “normal” or “nice” or “acceptable” or “loving”.

They are not being good.

It seems there is an internal list of the RIGHT ways to behave, to speak, to be, to do, and to think.

When people are not acting “right” according to us, then this is of course an incredible place for self-inquiry, in opening to that person’s behavior, in understanding our objections.

But what about this urge to be perfect, good, appealing and attractive in the world….the opposite of bad?

From a very early age, I noticed a lot of stories and lessons about Good People and Bad People.

Good People who were all-good and non-threatening were sweet, unobtrusive, gentle, forgiving, helpful, supportive, easy-going and patient.

Then there were the Good People who raised some objections….not everyone thought of them as safe….they were pushing the boundaries, ruffling a few feathers…. like Jesus or Martin Luther King.

Those kinds of Good People challenged the accepted way to be. They were Good and also Powerful….I had such admiration! They were brave!

I can’t do that! Scary!

Then….there are those that cross the line. They behave badly. They become “bad” people.

The stories read to me were full of Good People and Bad People. The rules on how to tell if someone was good or bad formed early.

It seemed very important to be considered by others to be Good.

Even if I had judgmental thoughts, or noticed that I really didn’t like someone, or was very angry, or wanted to say “no”….I worked very hard to show an image of GOOD.

Being Good is MUCH BETTER than being Bad!

Better memorize the Good Features, so you know how to act, to think and to be!

I started to feel sick to my stomach with tension because I knew I wasn’t 100% Good.

It never occurred to me that nobody can be 100% Good, according to the “laws” I was learning, many of them delivered in fairy tales.

When being Good means that the person you’re interacting with needs to feel happy, safe, open and comfortable in your presence….oh boy.

The situation can be VERY stressful….and, unfortunately, hopeless.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to hold up an image of goodness? That you need to be kind and nice in your delivery?

Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t ever, ever offend anyone?

Who would you be without the thought that other people need to be encouraged by your loving behavior to be comfortable around you?

That people could go off and be critical, or violent, unless you’re Good?

Oh no! I have to care about other people and their comfort! I have to help them feel happy, relaxed, loved!

Some people are creepy or judge super easily….I have to worry about those people!

Don’t I?

What if you didn’t have that belief?

Who would you be without the thought that you need them to feel happy and loved and that you are the one to make that happen?

This was so strange, to even imagine how I would be and what it would be like, to not need to help other people feel comfortable, that it was like entering a foreign land at first.

If I really do not worry about what other people are feeling around me….then I do not have to be falsely encouraging.

I do not have to keep a Good Persona intact, I do not have to be nice, friendly, sweet and compliant, unless these ways of being are truly genuine and loving and real in that situation.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to make yourself act Good?

Maybe you’d relax.

Maybe you’d notice that you have a deep, loving kindness and patience that comes easily, beyond following any list. And sometimes not.

Sometimes, you get up and walk out of the party, the lecture, the movie, the date.

Without the thought that you need to act good, you might say “the emperor has no clothes” with innocence, without malice or rage, simply expressing what you see.

I notice for me, I say “no, thank you” without an explanation much more easily.

The turnaround: I do not need to try all the time to be a “good” person to others. 

I do not have to consider the list of what “Good” is and then follow it as best I can. I do not have to think about everyone else and how they feel when they are around me.

I do not even have to try to be a good person to myself.

I would find out what it’s like to live without having a more perfect, better image to live up to or try to achieve.

If I really unhitch myself from any beliefs about who I should or should not be in the presence of others, so that I am projecting a safe, good, loving “image”…

….then who knows what mysterious amazing person this is, this person who is me.

“When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, ‘When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.’ This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.” ~ Byron Katie

Not expecting or looking for or wanting or dreaming of being perceived of as a Good Person by anyone out there…..ever?

Wow!

“Don’t be careful. You could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Unconditional Listening To That Noise

Recently I was waiting for my teenage daughter while she went to an important appointment.

I had to move my schedule around, just to help her get to the appointment, and miss work that I normally would have been doing at that time.

I brought my laptop with me so I could multi-task and get some writing done while waiting.

I navigated to the local library very close by, knowing I would have easy and free internet connection.

But as I sat at the first big shared table, surrounded by about six people, and began to log-in….one of the people directly across from me at the table mumbled under her breath.

She seemed upset. Like she was actually talking TO someone, but not any of us at this table.

Maybe she’ll be quiet in a minute.

A few more words under her breath, and she stood up with a great huff and went off to the printing machine.

I did my best to ignore her, and it appeared everyone else was ignoring her as well.

The library was hushed and cool in the late summer afternoon.

She returned thirty seconds later though, and continued to mumble under her breath “you can kiss my ass all day long!”

Sigh.

I got up and went to look for another place to sit.

I sat down at another huge table. Only two people, a man and woman, both with laptops in front of them, facing each other at one end.

I sat at the farthest opposite end from them.

For one minute, it was quiet.

Then the woman started saying to her companion across from her that she was having trouble with the itunes download and then couldn’t remember her secret question for her password and then she said her bank balance out loud, like she was checking the statement.

She seemed to say everything going across her mind.

Her friend’s responses were so quiet and low I couldn’t make out anything he was saying.

But her voice was penetrating.

Excuse me, am I actually HERE?

Do you realize I can HEAR EVERYTHING YOU ARE SAYING?

Are there any chairs in this LIBRARY, which should be QUIET, where no one is actually saying everything that runs through their mind OUT LOUD?!!

I stood up, and went farther into the bowels of the building to find someplace where NO ONE WAS TALKING.

Jeezus! Humans!

I watched as I reacted to the thought “these people should stop making noise”.

I suddenly remembered a wonderful meditation teacher I love, speaking about going to meditation retreat and having the same kind of thought.

There she was, sitting with a hall full of silent meditators, and suddenly, the sound of ringing entered the silence.

The ringing paused, and resumed.

What rude person would leave their phone on here, she thought? And why isn’t anyone hunting down the culprit, or asking about the noise?

Turns out, after an infuriating fifteen minutes, she discovered the sound was a cricket.

She started laughing to herself, realizing that when she thought it was a cell phone, she was totally against it….but when it was a cricket, it was fine.

Who would I be without the thought that the people talking were irritating?

Or that they should STOP because everyone knows you should stop talking in libraries?

I notice that everything actually rolls smoothly along.

Noise happens here, even in places where I THINK it was supposed to be quiet….and then this body gets up to move, wonders about this person, then that person…but not very much.

Every sound like an orchestra. These parts louder, fading, very soft.

In listening in my new corner, I hear the back-up beeping of a truck somewhere through the library walls, a father’s voice saying “let’s go kids”, some sort of whirring, feet across carpet, child setting bag on floor, clicks of fingers on keyboard, so many sounds.

Sounds everywhere.

And then the memory “who hears this sound?” which I heard Adyashanti, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, ask himself, and ask others….

….and a relaxation right there, in the library, of not needing anything to be other than it is.

Including sounds coming out of people.

Not needing things to be quiet in order to be happy.

“No matter what state dawns at this moment, can there be just that? Not a movement away, an escape into something that will provide what this state does not provide, or doesn’t seem to provide: energy, zest, inspiration, joy, happiness, whatever. Just completely, unconditionally listening to what’s here now, is that possible?” ~ Toni Packer

Without the thought that things should be quieter than they are, this whole body relaxes, softens.

The world becomes absolutely fascinating, this library of EVERYTHING, all here to be sampled….the sound of what’s here.

Love, Grace

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If Only I Wasn’t A Nervous Wreck

Yesterday, I got the privilege of facilitating self-inquiry with someone who was afraid of public speaking.

What a common and excruciatingly stressful human experience.

It doesn’t have to be “public” speaking we’re afraid of….it can be “private” speaking, small group speaking, one-on-one speaking.

Any time we’re afraid of saying what we’re thinking, feeling, suggesting, stating, or even asking for something we want OUT LOUD.

As this sincere and thoughtful person questioned her belief, I remembered all the times I didn’t raise my hand in class, or voice my opinion with a group of friends as we chose a restaurant, or tell the person on a romantic date that I didn’t like the movie choice, or share something in a talking circle.

I sat through an entire feature film of Pink Floyd when I was too young to understand why someone with such a weird name would be playing guitar in the desert.

So what are the most common thoughts about speaking, especially public speaking, where many people might be looking at you and listening all at once?

  • they are judging me
  • I don’t want to be boring, ineffective, slow, confusing
  • I need to keep their attention
  • I need to be funny
  • I want them to be amazed by my wisdom, power, wit, confidence, humor, brilliance
  • they should think I’m awesome, interesting, helpful
  • I should make a difference in their lives!

The image of the Perfect Speaker Me is over there, hovering in the mind in the back of the room….and I’m hoping, waiting, and demanding myself to be like that.

Not like this…..with sweat forming in my arm pits, my stomach slightly nauseated, my voice all jittery, and my heart pounding into my ears.

So on top of what I should look like and offer the audience, I also should NOT feel nervous, anxious, unclear, or mixed up.

But I do feel these things.

I am arguing with what is reality. I am against what happens to be true, in the moment.

Together the inquirer and I investigated the idea that she should be confident, even though she wasn’t.

What do you think YOU should be, that you aren’t?

People seem to think these kinds of thoughts all the time, every single day.

I should be thin, I should be peaceful, I shouldn’t have cravings, I should be happy, I shouldn’t be depressed, I should be joyful, I should be in the now, I should be free, I should be enlightened, I shouldn’t be worried, I should be calm, I shouldn’t be nervous, I should be young, I should be pain-free, I shouldn’t be lonely….

….this can go on forever.

I know when I believe this sort of thinking, I am seeing myself as lacking something, needing an adjustment, needing to “get” something.

I seek for answers, I read, I mull, I gather information.

Who would I be without the thought that I should be confident, or strong, peaceful, or powerful…that I should make a difference to people or be engaging and entertaining and funny?

Who would I be without the thought that I need to stop being so dang nervous?

As I imagine who I would be without the thought that I need to be “x” then I find I find the whole scene pretty funny.

Really? Not thinking I should change? WOW!

You mean, in this particular moment where I am afraid of the audience and nervous as I walk onto stage and sweating as I begin my speech and deliver information….

….that this experience doesn’t need to change, in order for me to be happy?

I would simply notice: woman with beating heart, huge big energy running through the body, seeing the faces all looking this way, seeing the human eyes directed toward me.

Then I would notice that the fluttery excitement changes, and I begin to talk, or whatever happens next.

Even if I am only speaking to one person, and I am afraid to say something to them, without the thought that it could go badly, that they could judge me, that this is a terrible risk….

…..I begin. My voice trembles, feelings course through me, and then they shift.

What are the turnarounds to these ideas I think of as so very stressful about speaking?

  • I am thrilled and grateful for their judgments, and I hope they share them in great detail, so I can know the listeners and improve my message or delivery
  • It’s totally fine to be boring, ineffective, slow, confusing….it helps me learn to develop passion, effectiveness, precision, speed and clarity!
  • I need to keep my own attention
  • I don’t need to be funny (except to myself)
  • I want only to be amazed by their wisdom, power, wit, confidence, humor, brilliance, and enjoy all this in me
  • I should think I’m awesome, interesting, helpful
  • I should make a difference in my own
    life! And the audience should make a difference for me!

“Happiness is the natural state for someone who knows that there’s nothing to know and that we already have everything we need, right here now.” ~ Byron Katie

What would it be like to give a speech, go on stage, bring up that difficult topic…without believing that whatever happened before, during or after the words were spoken, was bad?

“I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it. There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.” ~ Byron Katie

Now go out there and speak, or be very quiet, and enjoy yourself!

Love, Grace

To comment on this Grace Note…leave a comment below!

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Freedom From Your Own Ideas About Feeling Bad

Not long ago I had a client who said something I’ve heard many times over the years as I’ve worked with people to question their thinking:

“I feel awful. I have a heavy weight of depression, despair, anger, anxiety, unhappiness…… But I have NO IDEA what I’m thinking that would create these terrible feelings.”

This woman went on to say that she had tried The Work but wasn’t sure anything had actually changed for her.

Her mind was so troubled, and she was desperately hoping for a sudden shift, a miraculous change.

I used to think this way when I had extreme eating behavior that didn’t seem to make any sense.

There I would be, living my life…and KABOOM…I would have the thought that eating would be a good idea, even though I wasn’t actually hungry.

Eating would change the channel on my situation, alter the trajectory of feeling. Eating would shake things up or switch the plans for the next couple of hours.

But there was a basic, profoundly unhappy belief that my situation was somewhat dangerous (sometimes it was only a teensy bit alarming, sometimes TERRIBLY worrisome).

This feeling, this moment, this situation is BAD BAD BAD.

It must be stopped. I can’t handle it. I “have to” do something.

When I used to believe this thought, that my current condition was WRONG, BAD, ALARMING, OFF….then guess how I reacted to that belief?

How do you react when you think your condition, your life situation, is BAD? That your feeling is WRONG? That you’re missing something?

How I reacted is I would bring out an army of thoughts AGAINST my condition, my situation.

I’d set to solving the problem I had, my condition, as if someone had a gun to my head saying “figure this out, NOW!”

My mind’s job was to prove that what I was experiencing was indeed horrendous. It would note and summarize all the evidence that my condition was threatening.

I would visit specialists, or read their books. I would be superstitious, I would wish my mind was different than it was, I would have visions and images float through my head of my disruptive childhood or my mean boss….I would think this situation was caused by my parents, my sensitive personality, my speedy mind, my upbringing, my society, genetics, poor nutrition.

When I believed that something was wrong with me, with my situation, with my feeling of despair, then I would feel exhausted with the search for change, with the search to “fix” my predicament.

When I believed something was wrong with me or with my life, or if something scared me…I would eat, eat, eat and it would help temporarily, but then I would hate myself and start the cycle all over.

What a black hole of unhappiness. It felt like death warmed over, as my grandma would say.

Blech.

So who did I become, without the belief that my situation and condition was so horrendously bad?

Because that’s what happened.

I began to question my belief that the dark blob feeling was an enemy.

Who would you be without the thought that your troubling feelings are impossible, that you need a miracle and immediate shift?

Who would you be without the thought that your condition is dire, wrong, alarming, off, BAD?

Without that belief hanging over my head, I began to make friends with my feeling of darkness, depression, death, resistance.

Who would I be without the thought that I am against this kind of feeling? Who would I be without the thought that I must be afraid of this feeling?

“If you think it’s hell and you’re taking the cap off it….let it fly, be a volcano. It couldn’t be worse than what you’ve been living — and if it is, let’s test it.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that having a feeling of fear, or anger, or rage, or despair is something to be avoided at all costs….

….I welcomed the feelings.

I allowed them to be here, generating themselves inside me, however that happened.

I stopped trying to figure out how to get rid of them.

I started seeing what I was thinking, slowing it down, so I could examine the stream of ideas running through my mind.

” ‘I don’t have a belief’ is the first belief.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround: this feeling is good, it should stay, I need to keep feeling this way, this is not so horrible, this has a message for me, this is important, my situation is right, helpful, accurate, good, ON. 

Do you really want to snap your fingers and feel lollipops and roses? Are you SURE you don’t ever want to crave something, or feel stress, or discouragement?

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

Love, Grace

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