One of the most interesting areas of investigation of my own behavior has been around understanding my beliefs of the way I think people “should” behave if we are all supposed to be civilized, nice, generous, kind human beings.
If we’re good people, we act like “this” (make a list). And if everyone acted like that, then things would go well.
We’ll say that someone is a really “good” person. But why?
We like them. We want to be around them. We’re inspired by them. They’re safe. They’re responsible. They’re genuine. They’re honest. They care!
It’s easy to see how people should NOT behave.
That’s a bad person over there, saying those rude words, doing that appalling thing, thinking their mean, nasty thoughts, expressing difficult feelings, and acting horrible.
We almost instantly know when there is someone who is not falling into the category of “normal” or “nice” or “acceptable” or “loving”.
They are not being good.
It seems there is an internal list of the RIGHT ways to behave, to speak, to be, to do, and to think.
When people are not acting “right” according to us, then this is of course an incredible place for self-inquiry, in opening to that person’s behavior, in understanding our objections.
But what about this urge to be perfect, good, appealing and attractive in the world….the opposite of bad?
From a very early age, I noticed a lot of stories and lessons about Good People and Bad People.
Good People who were all-good and non-threatening were sweet, unobtrusive, gentle, forgiving, helpful, supportive, easy-going and patient.
Then there were the Good People who raised some objections….not everyone thought of them as safe….they were pushing the boundaries, ruffling a few feathers…. like Jesus or Martin Luther King.
Those kinds of Good People challenged the accepted way to be. They were Good and also Powerful….I had such admiration! They were brave!
I can’t do that! Scary!
Then….there are those that cross the line. They behave badly. They become “bad” people.
The stories read to me were full of Good People and Bad People. The rules on how to tell if someone was good or bad formed early.
It seemed very important to be considered by others to be Good.
Even if I had judgmental thoughts, or noticed that I really didn’t like someone, or was very angry, or wanted to say “no”….I worked very hard to show an image of GOOD.
Being Good is MUCH BETTER than being Bad!
Better memorize the Good Features, so you know how to act, to think and to be!
I started to feel sick to my stomach with tension because I knew I wasn’t 100% Good.
It never occurred to me that nobody can be 100% Good, according to the “laws” I was learning, many of them delivered in fairy tales.
When being Good means that the person you’re interacting with needs to feel happy, safe, open and comfortable in your presence….oh boy.
The situation can be VERY stressful….and, unfortunately, hopeless.
Who would you be without the thought that you need to hold up an image of goodness? That you need to be kind and nice in your delivery?
Who would you be without the thought that you shouldn’t ever, ever offend anyone?
Who would you be without the thought that other people need to be encouraged by your loving behavior to be comfortable around you?
That people could go off and be critical, or violent, unless you’re Good?
Oh no! I have to care about other people and their comfort! I have to help them feel happy, relaxed, loved!
Some people are creepy or judge super easily….I have to worry about those people!
Don’t I?
What if you didn’t have that belief?
Who would you be without the thought that you need them to feel happy and loved and that you are the one to make that happen?
This was so strange, to even imagine how I would be and what it would be like, to not need to help other people feel comfortable, that it was like entering a foreign land at first.
If I really do not worry about what other people are feeling around me….then I do not have to be falsely encouraging.
I do not have to keep a Good Persona intact, I do not have to be nice, friendly, sweet and compliant, unless these ways of being are truly genuine and loving and real in that situation.
Who would you be without the thought that you need to make yourself act Good?
Maybe you’d relax.
Maybe you’d notice that you have a deep, loving kindness and patience that comes easily, beyond following any list. And sometimes not.
Sometimes, you get up and walk out of the party, the lecture, the movie, the date.
Without the thought that you need to act good, you might say “the emperor has no clothes” with innocence, without malice or rage, simply expressing what you see.
I notice for me, I say “no, thank you” without an explanation much more easily.
The turnaround: I do not need to try all the time to be a “good” person to others.
I do not have to consider the list of what “Good” is and then follow it as best I can. I do not have to think about everyone else and how they feel when they are around me.
I do not even have to try to be a good person to myself.
I would find out what it’s like to live without having a more perfect, better image to live up to or try to achieve.
If I really unhitch myself from any beliefs about who I should or should not be in the presence of others, so that I am projecting a safe, good, loving “image”…
….then who knows what mysterious amazing person this is, this person who is me.
“When you truly love yourself, it’s not possible to project that other people don’t love you. I like to say, ‘When I walk into a room, I know that everyone in it loves me. I just don’t expect them to realize it yet.’ This gets a big laugh from audiences. People seem to be delighted at how easy it is to feel completely loved, and they see, if only for a moment, that it doesn’t depend on anyone outside.” ~ Byron Katie
Not expecting or looking for or wanting or dreaming of being perceived of as a Good Person by anyone out there…..ever?
Wow!
“Don’t be careful. You could hurt yourself.” ~ Byron Katie
Love, Grace