In the latest Eating Peace notes and videos, I’ve been suggesting you talk to the parts of yourself that want to overeat, graze eat, obsess about being perfect with food, or see your body as ugly.
Those voices are rough, I know.
They feel rude, nasty, frightening and like the kind of guests you’d call the police on.
But I got quite a few questions about HOW to talk to them. I mean….they’re pretty freaky, right?
With eating, people can get particularly mean to themselves.
Ugh.
“You’ll never amount to anything. Look at you, stuffing your face again. Have you no pride, or willpower? You’ll never be thin. You’ll never get this handled. You’ll never get past this. What’s wrong with you? You ate that….again?!”
When this kind of aggression is directed towards yourself on the inside, it doesn’t exactly feel easy to do positive affirmations, look on the bright side, or turn your mean thoughts off (as if you had any great personal control over them).
Step One, (you may have noticed from other posts I’ve written), is to allow that voice to stay in the room.
Let it be there. Don’t fight it. You’ll never win!
Step Two, ask the voice a few very powerful, very pointed questions.
Watch here to see how I’ve worked with The Voice. If you do these exercises, let me know how it goes!
HOW to talk to the crazy voice that wants to eat (when you are not hungry)
“Ending addictions has nothing to do with getting rid of cravings. It’s about seeing cravings for what they are and deeply allowing the to be there. Yes, in the end, this freedom is even there in not getting what you want. This realization challenges all conventional wisdom, goes against much of our conditioning, and isn’t taught in any positive-thinking or self-help books….When you discover who you really are, you’re free whether you get what you want or not.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
On April 15-17 I’ll be traveling to Newark, California to offer my three day Eating Peace Retreat. People who take this program report finding deep awareness and freedom from compulsion through truly communicating with themselves, including their inner eater. I’m here to help you do that. Join me (we’re in a private home, still a few spaces left). Click HERE to read more, and register.
Trying to control your thoughts? Welcome to crazyville.
I’ve received quite a few requests from folks who really wanted to listen to the Replay of Monday’s webinar about “Control” when it comes to compulsion (specifically with eating).
Click here to watch the webinar slide show to understand moving out of trying to control yourself or your feelings, and investigate them instead. A whole new world. The Q & A at the end I found wonderful, too, including wanting to control kids’ eating, and what to do if you feel you really can’t stop. Enjoy, and write to me and let me know what’s helpful that you learn.
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Speaking of CONTROL.
Control is a topic of interest to everyone…..whether you grapple with it, or not.
Not just for people who’ve experienced wild out-of-control episodes of consuming, drinking, or doing some kind of intense behavior like trying to have sex with as many people as possible or eating everything in your kitchen from one end to the other.
The energy of “bingeing” is not limited to eating, that’s for sure.
But eating seems like one of the most socially acceptable, pervasive, constantly available compulsive behaviors around.
Even kids do it (unlike a lot of the other addictive behaviors), especially kids challenged with tough emotional experiences, anxiety, or confusion.
When we talk about “control” there’s ONE area probably 99.9 % of us have felt Out-Of-Control in.
Thinking.
And yet, we try so hard to control it.
We have beliefs like “I need to fix my thinking” or “I’m being to negative” or “I’ve got to stop obsessing about x, y or z”.
Over a decade ago, I went on my first “silent” retreat.
I put the word “silent” in quotations because….
….even though the room was quiet with 200+ people sitting with their eyes closed, even though there was no talking while standing in line for meals, or eating meals, even though there was no gesturing or writing notes or looking into other peoples’ eyes, and there was literally nothing to “do” except be in one of three places all day (meditation hall, dining hall, sleeping room)….
….it seemed like it was the loudest retreat I had ever been on in my life.
INSIDE MY HEAD!!
And I mean, it was a scream of immense suffering that I almost didn’t know where it came from or what it was all about.
Something seemed horrified at my thinking, and how out of controlit actually was, and how mean and bitter and negative and alarmed.
I had been trying to fix my thinking for years, and here it was right in my face.
I couldn’t sleep most nights during that retreat, my brain was talking so loudly.
The second night of trying, I got up with my tiny flashlight so as not to disturb the other women all lined up on cots sleeping in the pitch dark of a mountain retreat with no moon.
I’ll start walking. That’s it. I can’t lie still here anymore. I love the trails here. It will be brilliant to be out at sunrise.
I pulled on my socks and shoes, my sweater and jacket. This was northern California and very chilly up in the mountains. I had put my phone away so I had no idea what time it was (no checking emails, no looking at facebook, no contact with the internet. On purpose).
Very softly and slowly, I made my way out of the full room of sleeping sounds, and into the dimly lit foyer, past a reception sort-of open area and towards the bathroom that lit up suddenly making my eyes squint and blink when I entered.
Then, I saw the clock on the wall.
2:33 AM.
Seriously???!!!
As if to check, and make sure the clock was correct….
….I went all the way down the corridor, past the meditation hall, and out of the building and looked out into the night. Pitch dark.
I can’t even go on a f*&ing WALK!! Hell runneth over!!
That was my Shakespeare drama moment. I was fully and completely believing there was danger lurking and this was a TERRIBLE situation.
Even though I was surrounded by amazing people, listening to the beloved and wise author and spiritual teacher Adyashanti twice a day, I could ask a formal question if I wanted to, and basically there was NOTHING I “had” to do.
Food was prepared for me, the gong rang to call people to the hall. A fabulous bed was all mine. I was warm, and clothed.
I came here for this? I thought.
This is insanity! I can’t stand it! Get me outta here! My mind is simply too whacked to do this. I give up. I’m never doing this again. Only 5 more days. I’ll just get through it and go home, never to return. Impossible. Ridiculous. I can’t.
I truly felt like I was trapped in a room for a week with a maniac.
But little did I know, it was this voice that had been waiting desperately for the opportunity to talk with me. She/He (a sort of weird non-gendered monster) had been sitting in the corner waiting for me to stop “doing” stuff constantly for years.
In my twenties, I had eaten instead of listen to that horrible maniac. I had smoked and planned my life and worked and tried to control things and probably most especially that voice. I had spent a whole lot of energy focused on making sure I never, ever, ever was stuck in the same room with this maniac mind for more than one minute. I kept moving.
Why didn’t I remember that before I signed up for this retreat?
Well. Good question.
The reason I was there is because I had done lots of self-inquiry, The Work of Byron Katie, for a couple of years at that point.
And something within me had changed.
I was not so frantic, not so unwilling, and not so convinced that I was insane (or going there) and broken. I had gotten the feel of being something other than my mind itself. I didn’t have answers, but I was definitely calmer at the core.
I had seen by then that my thoughts were not necessarily True. It took a bit of inquiry to see this. There was no “convincing” that they were not true, only willingness to sit still and slowly look at the beliefs running through my mind (maybe for many years) that made me feel awful, and frightened, and like running for my life.
Fortunately, it was only the second day of the retreat.
The next day, I raised my hand to speak.
It was either than, or bolt.
Instead of speaking from the voice that tries to get everything in order, present well, be acceptable, and hold the Maniac Voice underwater until it drowns (which it unfortunately never did)….
….I spoke about my inner torture where I just felt like crawling out of my skin, and like the world was a dangerous place, and I was nuts.
The first step of The Work is expressing what you’re actually thinking that hurts. It’s identifying the beliefs of horror, of pain, of wondering why this world (or you) are so messed up, of despair.
Writing these thoughts down helps so much, because slowing down rather than speeding up is one of the most wondrous and weird keys to freedom (I’d let you know if I had discovered a faster way, believe me).
When I went up to the microphone, I called my thinking a cesspool. “It’s a cesspool in here” I said, pointing to my own head.
And here’s what happened that was unexpected, for the voice, and yet….not so unexpected at all, really.
People nodded, smiled, laughed. Adya basically said in his own more eloquent words: Oh, yeah. I get it. Been there. Done that.
You mean?
I’m not extra special crazy? I’m not hopeless?
No.
THINKING your way out of this predicament of being alive, and having to have things go well and favorably, is hopeless.
THINKING your way out of suffering is….not possible, it seems.
Just look around. It’s in the newspapers. Horrible things happen. It’s tragic. It’s absolutely awful. It’s a deep cry of wailing and sobbing and shock and sadness that’s unbearable for the mind.
But what I notice is, I am alive, even though I’ve seen horrible things (and they haven’t been so horrible compared to what some people have experienced, but it doesn’t matter).
So something here IS surviving. Life still is alive. Something is even present here that is NOT noisy. The mind might be shouting for attention, and shouting for you to watch out around every sharp corner (it loves to think everything’s a sharp corner on a mountain pass going 120 miles per hour).
But do you feel what is here, now, hearing the Maniac? I know the listener in us seems awfully quiet. So quiet it’s imperceptible. I sometimes can’t feel or hear the “listener” at all–I’m just like you.
But I know it’s there, because as soon as I stopped trying to run away from all that noise, the most wonderful feeling of relief poured through me.
And I slept all night long in my little sleeping cot at the retreat.
Question the thought: this world is horrible, hell, dangerous and insane.
Is it true?
Who would you be without that thought?
Turn it around: My thoughts are horrible, hell, dangerous and insane. This world is beautiful, heaven, safe and sane.
I notice, I can find many examples.
“….Nothing could be worse than trying to control what can’t be controlled. If you want real control, drop the illusion of control. Let life live you. It does anyway. You’re just telling the story about how it doesn’t, and that’s a story that can never be real. You didn’t make the rain or the sun or the moon. You have no control over your lungs or your heart or your vision or your breath. One minute you’re fine and healthy, the next minute you’re not. When you try to be safe, you live your life being very, very careful, and you may wind up having no life at all.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
When I tried to be safe, and careful, and full of warning screams within, I wound up binge eating.
I didn’t have a life. At all.
I just thought I did.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Again, here’s the replay for the Eating Peace webinar on having your needs met without control when it comes to eating. And if you want to join me for a deeper Eating Peace online mini retreat on Saturday (limited to 10) then click HERE to learn more and sign up.
There’s another way to approach eating peace that climbing on and falling off the wagon
I really loved sharing how to move off the Control Wagon yesterday….that is, the tendency we have to always think we need to control or change or manage our food or ourselves in order to feel happy with eating (or any compulsion, for that matter).
It is possible for everyone to find freedom in eating.
But granted, it does take some time. And it’s a different approach when we throw out the old yo-yo methods of being “on” or “off” a plan.
Listen and watch the slide show here to find out the four steps I shared to enter peace rather than the torment of looking for the right way to eat and not finding it.
Feeling like you can’t stop something you yourself engage in, is so weird, right?
But instead of feeling angry with this part of you that wants to eat, what if it was a voice with a very important message?
Awareness of the message changes everything.
“Wisdom comes with the ability to be still. Just look and just listen. No more is needed. Being still, looking, and listening activates the non-conceptual intelligence within you. Let stillness direct your words and actions.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
If you want to set aside a 3 hour mini-retreat to explore and meet the voices that want to eat….I’ll be offering a rare session this Saturday afternoon (Pacific Time) from 2-5 pm. For a small group, we’ll be taking a deep dive into the experience of emotional eating or graze eating….the kind of eating we later feel so unhappy about and wish we’d stop doing.
We’ll visit this compulsive voice, this mindless urge, through writing and inquiry exercises that will help us speak directly with the parts of us that seem to want to eat so badly.
We’ll take a look at what’s really going on, more than just the desire to eat.
This is my favorite exploration in life….to investigate the impulse to grab, ingest, think, eat….
….and end the battle through understanding and awareness.
I hope you’ll join me! If this is something you’d like to try, sign uphere (it’s $47 for the 3 hour online retreat). You’ll need a computer or phone with a speaker phone or headphones and a quiet space for yourself. You can choose to just participate without speaking for the entire time, or do The Work out loud, either way. The program will NOT be recorded.
I hope it will make a huge difference for you on your journey to eating peace.
Feeling out of control? Trying to find control may not offer the freedom you’re seeking.
Have you ever noticed there are good things about control AND bad things about control?
We often have a confusing relationship with control.
When someone is too controlling, we want to get away from them as fast as possible (or fight them). When someone is too out of control, we also want to get away from them (or pressure them to find some control).
We have the same kind of attitude towards ourselves as we have towards other people.
When “out” of control we humans do really self-defeating things like overeat, binge, give up in self-pity, drink, smoke, internet, overspend, push, break things, and get led by our emotions, depression or panic.
When “in” control in the extreme, humans act like dictators, completely self-centered, wanting to manage ourselves, the world or our families, partners, and friends… bossing everyone around, demanding our environment be different than it is, making rules, diets, regulations and laws.
The trouble is, we move back and forth between the two and have enormous difficulty finding a middle way, a balance between the two arenas.
Neither side is freedom, that’s for sure.
But what’s going on in this whole in or out of control thing?
What if we stopped reaching for something…whether more control, or less control in ourselves OR in other people?
“Eeeeeek!” you might cry.
I have to keep trying to gain control! I’ve got to figure out a plan! I’ve got to stick with the plan! I must get to this Other Better Place where at least I’m not so uncertain! I need to follow the rules! Why can’t I just control myself?!!?
But….once again you may notice when you act like this to yourself (a dictator) or with other people for that matter, it’s incredibly stressful, you can’t keep holding it together. You can’t keep running everything, and you actually start longing for a moment of being out of control. Just a little moment of not having to control your impulses.
In comes the idea to use a substance or activity to help you relax, let your guard down, do what you please for once. Eat. Drink. Etcetera.
Sigh. Still swinging between the two extremes. Rats.
“Alcohol, drugs, smoke–this is not the way we want to go….There is another way of becoming free of the conditioned mind that you inherited, that you came into this world with. The ego knows something is missing, but it looks in the wrong place. It never goes deep into life, into what is. It never looks in the present moment. It looks into the next moment for what we can add in order to make ourselves feel better. It believes there must be something missing here now. But whatever you achieve, you will find yourself back in the Now!” ~ Eckhart Tolle
OK. We know either side of Control isn’t satisfying, or liberating.
So how do I get to the present moment Eckhart so brilliantly talks about?
Begin by questioning your thoughts about control. Start where you are. Start here in this moment, with the thinking you notice you’re aware of.
“I should be in control (or I AM in control). I should be able to get in control, or able to control others. I am better off if I try to control myself. Having control in life is good. I must keep trying.”
Let’s do The Work. Let’s look closely.
Is it true that you should be in control of yourself, or that you actually are?
Of course it’s true! Just look at all the suffering I’ve experienced by being out of control! It would be horrible to stop trying. Which is what would happen if I let go.
Are you sure?
Are you absolutely positive you need to keep trying to gain some control, do it different, strive to “get” there? Are you positive control is somewhere, and you can find it? Are you sure you’re actually able to control something, even if it’s just yourself?
Well, I do see that the very act of trying to get somewhere, even to remain in the present moment, has a “trying” energy. Trying to understand, trying to find peace, trying to relax, trying to do it right. It seems like I can control things like yelling at someone–I can keep my emotions hidden, I can suppress my big reactions. Right?
Hmmm.
I’m not sure about this idea that having control is “good”. I don’t know if it is. This is confusing. I can’t answer “yes”.
How do you react when you think you need to control yourself better, or more, or differently? And that you CAN?
I’ve worked with many clients over the years on their eating issues.
Once, a woman said to me she was in control in every single area of life except eating. She was a go-getter. She ran her own company. She was a marathon runner. She had enormous success and made tons of money. But she couldn’t control herself from eating sugar. She continuously had applied more pressure, and spent many days “in control” only to fall off. She had to fix this.
It’s a tough project.
There’s always another method, another diet, another plan, another approach, another book. Reaching, straining.
“This is going to be the Big Kahuna. I’m going to have a windfall, make a zillion dollars, find the perfect partner….be the perfect weight or have the perfect relationship with food and eating.”
Question four in The Work is the powerful, crazy, mind-blowing question that helps you get off this train-track of deciding what’s right or wrong all the time:
Who are you without these thoughts about the need to find control somewhere? Without the thought that you’re actually IN control, or could be?
Weird, right?
What? No control……anywhere?
This question is not about entering despair and resignation, it’s worse than that. (Ha ha).
For me, this question moves into contemplating the curious place of complete and absolute lack of control, total surrender. “Bone crushing surrender” as the wonderful teacher Adyashanti calls it.
It’s like falling through the air, and instead of flailing about trying to get upright, you just….fall. You go limp. Nothing left to try, or do. No different way. No way out. No solution.
But you don’t even have to totally “get” this. You can just open up to using the imagination to wonder what it would be like to stop trying to control yourself or your eating or your life circumstances right in this moment, and yet notice….you’re still right here. Alive.
Let’s turn these crazy thoughts around:
“I should not be in control (and actually, I’m not). I should not be able to get in control, and not able to control others. I am better off if I stop trying to control myself. Having no control in life is good. I must stop trying.”
How could this be just as true, or truer?
“On the surface, the illusion of control makes us feel safe and able to create a life for ourselves of comfort and security, manipulating our lives based on what we think we need. Yet, in actuality, we have no such control. Still, the illusion of it is amazing in its design and its complexity, because after all, almost every human being falls for it. Almost every human being thinks, ‘I’m in control of my life’ except when times get really difficult….We can spend a whole lifetime trying to exercise this sense of control that we don’t really have.” ~ Falling Into Grace by Adyashanti
I know looking at the turnarounds in this particular situation isn’t the conventional way of hope. It doesn’t give pep talks about gaining control.
But what if you didn’t have to be “out” of control when you had no control?
What if you could feel peace, and have no control, at the very same time?
What if part of what pains you about trying to manage compulsive behavior, or any behavior you don’t like about yourself that you notice you engage in (like over-eating or eating the “wrong” food for example)….is treating yourself like you’re a major problem to be solved?
All I know is, when I gave up trying to find control (very imperfectly) I could become more interested and curious about what was actually going on with me and my stressful thinking (and for me, eating).
When I became curious about my thoughts, and what they were, and where they came from, and was far more friendly with them instead of trying to get rid of them….
….intense behavior, like over-consuming, stopped being so appealing.
“When you stop struggling, stop suffering, stop pushing and pulling yourself….stop manipulating and controlling, when you actually relax and listen to the truth of what is there, something bigger than your fear will catch you.” ~ Geneen Roth in Women, Food and God
If you’re curious about understanding control and letting go of it without careening “out” of control, and most especially if you suffer from eating woes (but any compulsion applies) then join me tonight in a free webinar about getting off what I call the “Control Wagon”.
Maybe more willpower isn’t what you need.
Maybe looking very, very closely at your stories and stressful beliefs without trying to change is a different way. And a more peaceful one.
Click this link to get all the dial-in and connection information in your Inbox. I will record it and send it out tomorrow morning if you can’t join us live.
The link to my Women For One article (would love love if you feel moved to scroll to the bottom and comment) right HERE.
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What are you defending against? Study the situation closely to find out.
Oops.
I had a hissy fit with my teenage daughter.
She might be my Number One Replay Guru.
What I mean by “Replay” Guru is someone who didn’t just bug me one time, or a troubling relationship from the past, or a relationship that involved an “incident” so to speak, or with a friend or partner or family member there was a “thing”.
No….a Replay Guru is a person who when you regularly interact with them, it’s basically a Replay of the same exact dynamic replayed in a slightly different setting or on a different day. But almost the same conversation.
Over and Over. And Over.
Rewind….Click the “Play” button on the remote….watch the way she said THAT, then I said THIS, then she tensely said THAT, then I tensely said THIS, then she said what I said–only it was WRONG, then I said don’t put words in my mouth, then she said THAT, then I huffed and left the room.
LOL.
OK, it’s funny NOW to me. Sort of.
A day later and after I texted her at school “I know I wasn’t listening to you, and I’m sorry and I love you, always” and she texted back “K”.
I’m amazed by how my sense of self (small “s” intentional), my ego, my demand for personal respect and/or agreement rises up like a creature from the Black Lagoon.
But it isn’t really a solid thing, the “ego”. It’s more like an energy, a defended little ball of energy that wants to curl up and never get hurt again by harsh words. It sends out defensive fire, as they say in war talk.
How did the little conversation begin, you ask?
Oh, we were arguing over a TELEVISION SHOW and how one of the characters SHOULD have acted, if they were a nice agreeable sort of person.
Yep.
(No, you can’t see the replay, there will be 17 minutes of silence in that particular section of my life video).
Often when we have these fiery quick repeating replay conversations with people close to us in our lives (I actually did this for a few minutes) we’ll be very upset with ourselves, and the other person, and bounce back and forth between the two trying to figure out who is at fault.
The mind loves knowing who is to blame, in a threatening situation.
The far more interesting, and sometimes far more difficult, activity is to wonder what was frightening, just in the split second before the need to defend arose. You can’t have defense without feeling threatened, after all.
So I take a look.
I review the situation which is recorded in my own mind, from my perspective.
I find the moment where the most troubling feelings appeared inside me.
It was when I spoke out loud, after the final scene in this TV show where the main character heroine (who happens to be the age of my daughter) looked sad and dejected after asking a young man if he wanted to get a cup of coffee sometime, because she’s trying to “date” in her new freshman year at college.
The young man said to her “no, not really” and walked out of the room.
“He could have been nicer about it” I said, and explained how people can say “no” but do it super cool and smooth and kindly so that the other person hearing the “no” isn’t hurt.
My daughter said she much prefers direct, blunt, without explanation. “Who cares about saying it nice?!”
Gasp!
No! People should be polite, kind, gentle, and good listeners! They shouldn’t be rude, they should say no clearly with love, they shouldn’t leave someone disappointed.
This wasn’t necessary going through my mind consciously, but as I look closely now at this touchy moment, this is what I have to say if I give that intense voice some words.
That’s what finding the situation is all about, and staying very close to it so you can slow it way down and see what troubled you.
And it’s the first and most important step in going deep in The Work.
As I reflect upon the situation, I see if I were in the shoes of this TV character (the young woman) I’d feel horrible for a second, and then try to get over it, and probably avoid that guy if I ever saw him around campus.
How did my daughter get so confident?
Why do I get so disturbed by rejection….whether I am the one saying “no” or the other person?
Ack…..is this the Abandonment-Is-Terrible thing again? That ever-endless Top Hits Parade “I am abandoned” or “I could be abandoned” or “Do anything not to be abandoned” or “Abandoning Ship is the only way out of a difficult relationship”.
Seriously?
Sigh.
I realize as I sit with this situation that I was sure our main character in the TV show would be hurt, feel rejected, feel rejectable, feel unworthy, and contract into herself.
My daughter did not see it the same way.
(WHAT??!!)
And in fact, my daughter doesn’t treat me with kid gloves, doesn’t hold back, expresses herself quite simply and clearly, and assumes I can handle what she has to say.
By looking at this situation very closely, and not fast-forwarding into the future…..I can feel an old wound in my side, in my heart.
A belief that says “people can hurt me” or “Rejection can happen any moment, and it’s bad” or “hearing or saying ‘No’ means someone did something wrong”…..
…..all of which boil down to “I need to be liked, she needs to be liked, they need to be liked, he needs to be liked, everyone needs to be liked.”
Phew.
I’ve got my underlying belief laid out in front of me, ready for inquiry.
I wanted my daughter to agree with me, and like me, and share the belief I’ve had since I was a little kid…..that being liked is fundamental for survival, and abandonment must be avoided, that NOT being liked is actually happening in that moment, and it’s dangerous.
Is it true?
“Who started the war? I did. She just told the truth. And I start to punish her for being more enlightened than I am. If there is a war in my life, I started it. There’s no exception. If the war ends in my life, I end it. I end it, or it doesn’t end. No exception.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story
Much love, Grace
P.S. Eating Peace Webinar on Control: The Harder Way Is Easier (no cost) Monday 5-6:30 pm Pacific Time. Click HERE to get all the information in your Inbox with the link to join on Monday.
I am sooooo thrilled to be featured on Women For One.
This beautiful and far-reaching organization is a global community of women sharing their truth, stories, and inspiring action and transformation. Featured TruthTellers on the site are Maya Angelou, Marianne Williamson, Marie Forleo and Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor.
Recently, the founder Kelly interviewed Byron Katie. Kelly founded Women for One in 2011 and I love her tagline “permission to be real, granted”.
So now, I’m a “TruthTeller” on Women For One, too!
So deeply honored to be among such amazing women.
I would be so grateful if you headed over to the article I wrote, and leave a comment below the article there.
Click HERE to read my article. If you’re moved to comment, lovely. If you’re moved to share the article with family and friends, thank you ever so much. It so helps to spread the message of peace that’s possible for us all.
One of the strangest experiences some of us have about change or learning or inviting something new into our lives….
….is when something is right in front of us, and we’re intrigued, and we even know it’s helped others and we’re pretty sure there’s something good about it for us….
….but we don’t get around to it.
I really should start doing yoga.
I really should get into meditating daily, like I used to.
Doing The Work would be a great practice for me.
I should stop eating so much. Or smoking.
I really should learn to communicate better with my partner.
I should start a savings account, I should pay off my house, I should quit wasting time on the computer.
But.
What is that….the “but”?
It’s like some other voice, or thought, or idea unconsciously comes up to meet this interesting plan about doing things differently and says:
NO!
Not enough time. Not enough energy. Not enough guarantee that it will work. Not enough motivation.
And then do you notice what typically happens?
Self-flagellation. Kicking yourself with your own thinking. Listing all the reasons why you’re a loser.
Not everyone does this, but if you do….you’re not alone. (I raise my hand, I’m great at this strategy).
Have you ever noticed this interesting result of self-hating thoughts?
Hacking yourself apart mentally has this weird way of detracting you from actually changing.
You enter punishment mode, so now, you’re busy.
Gosh….and you don’t actually have to look at the deets on what’s occurring that results in No Change.
Here’s a great question to ask, to get you started.
If you made this change, if you added this activity into your life, if you implemented this behavior, if you quit that thing you don’t really enjoy doing….
….what do you believe you would have?
This is the season of taxes in the USA. The other day I had to start getting all my documents and itemizations and totals ready to hand over to the accountant. My annual income is better than ever. I’ve never earned so much in my life (this isn’t saying much–but that’s another story). Which means, I owe taxes.
Just the very act of looking at the year and having to answer questions about what expenses were for, I started feeling uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I had the thought “it would be better to never earn any money than have to tell other people, like an accountant, what I spent things on”.
Flash Thought during the money conversations: I need to win the lottery.
But what would I have if I had a lottery win?
I’d be able to be frivolous with some expenditures. I could give money away freely. I wouldn’t have to think about how to responsibly attend to every penny. I could go on my meditation retreats and spend money on all the spiritual type things I do without guilt!
I could NOT have the conversation about business expenses because…..who should have opened a Self-Employment Pension SEP thingie (I didn’t know what it was either until yesterday)? Not me! I wouldn’t have to be responsible that way and have to worry about such stupid things as the future.
Leave me alone! I’m trying to meditate!
Many people resolve to make changes that change their health, or their relationships.
But they don’t actually do it.
What are you avoiding?
This is a serious question. The flip side to what would you have, if you had this thing you desire in the future.
For me (for starters), I imagine through winning some big amount of money I’d be free to spend no questions asked, and I’d avoid the criticism of others about all these retreats I attend. I’d do the SEP thingie, and still get to have fun.
I don’t stop there…..I keep going with the inquiry to dig into the underlying beliefs.
What would I have if I were free to spend on retreats no questions asked?
What would I avoid, if I went on all these retreats?
The drudgery part of needing to earn money, count money, set aside money, pay taxes with money, “work” at promotion, growth, announcing my retreats, getting clients.
What would I have, and avoid, then?
Gulp.
Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty rock bottom dark stories. Sometimes, they’re embarrassing.
My story is with lots of won money, I could avoid the unknown future, “needing” money, fear of not having enough, fear of not being useful or making a difference, and fear of not being very good at what I do and not helping anyone (because I wouldn’t be trying).
I could gain safety from all this.
I am also afraid of peoples’ jealousy (if I won a bunch of money) and thinking I should give some to everyone I know who needs it (quite a few people, I see in my mind).
So you see….
…..by exploring closely the tiny moment of stress I experienced in a meeting to talk about income and taxes…..
…..I see what frightens me about the future, or the past, and takes me away from this present moment now.
You can do this with any thought you have about what you should be doing so that your life would be improved.
(We look at this deeply in Eating Peace work, for example, to explore why we might want to be eating, instead of raking ourselves through the coals with condemning thoughts to punish ourselves for doing it).
Who would I be without the belief that it would be easier or more fun or offer freedom to have a ton of lottery-won money right now?
Noticing I’m resting comfortably on a beautiful cream-colored couch, in my lovely sweet living room, feeling this room, and this body, and this life. Hearing wind chimes ring.
Turning the thoughts around:
I should not do yoga–I could try only one small simple class for the joy of it, and I don’t “have to” do anything.
I notice I love sitting quietly, again no “have to”.
Doing The Work is great practice for me. I join with others to share in it (so much fun). It’s the inner adventure of a lifetime, and a joy beyond belief.
I should keep eating, or smoking, to understand why I do it and sort out the internal workings of my soul…until I’m done.
I really should learn to communicate better with myself, and it will naturally be better with the world.
I should not start a savings account, I should not pay off my house, there is no wasting time. Not out of fear, only out of pleasure.
Every time I truly wish for something different, and tell myself I should be doing it….I’m at war with what is.
I’m either thinking something’s missing in the present, or I’m avoiding something frightening about the future.
So yesterday, I spoke up.
I said to my husband, after the accountant meeting, “I’m worrying right now that you might be judging me for spending so much on retreats last year.”
You know what he said?
“No, not at all. You were investing in yourself. And maybe I have some ideas on how you could prepare better for tax time, and save a little.”
No resentment, no criticism, no fear.
“A thought may arise: ‘It’s okay now, but it’s going to be different when I step out the door’….Stop right here! Don’t think more–it is quite enough. Don’t say more–it is quite enough. Don’t strive more–it is quite enough. Now, don’t touch any idea of moving forward–simply rest as This, as it is, without that, as it could be. Now drop the idea of being This.” ~ Mooji
From time to time, I’ve noticed a similar repeat feeling of irritation with someone I consider a dear friend.
It finally happened often enough for me to pause and have a conversation with myself, and wonder what my orientation was that produced annoyance.
The best way to find out is to un-censor yourself on paper. No editing. Childish as can be. Embarrassing, silly, non-PC, ridiculous thoughts.
Write them anyway, blow it up bigger than it actually is, so you can see it like looking under a microscope or getting out the magnifying glass.
This is what it looked like:
he can’t just listen
he compulsively gives advice
he’s always trying to solve my problems
he either doesn’t take my comments seriously at all, or he takes them too seriously
he’s unable to sit in the Don’t Know mind when it comes to troubling feelings, or situations
And then there was a real unedited clincher: he acts like he’s a genius spiritual coach and some kind of enlightened person dishing out what he thinks of as brilliance.
NOT.
I love how immature it felt, like once I gave some wording to the energy, there was a “Don’t Tell Me What To Think or Feel You Pompous Holy Jerk!”
Yikes.
I was so sure he was an Advice Giver.
Until I did The Work.
Let’s look at the one thought that created the big surge of stressful energy, the one that’s coming out of the part of me who is about, oh I don’t know….twelve?
“He thinks he’s so enlightened, and he’s not. (Be Real! Get back on equal footing with me!)”
Kinda felt petty and babyish.
But I know this sinking into a childish feeling is a great cry for help, and this voice is the one I want to befriend most of all….the voice that yells and pisses and moans and feels……hurt for some reason.
So is it true, he shouldn’t think he’s so awakened he can give me advice?
Am I sure he actually believes he’s enlightened? Or above me?
No.
Wow. It was a clear, quick “no”.
I am assuming wildly that his advice-giving or advice-sounding words mean he thinks he’s better than me.
He’s on the problem-solving track.
How many times have I done this in my life? Like, thousands?
I see how I react when I believe he’s espousing his enlightenment, or telling me what I should do (and he’s even kind about it).
I have pictures zoom through my mind of his screwed up past, or the way he acted many years ago, even though he hasn’t acted like a volatile person in a super long time. I feel defensive. I don’t want to talk with him. I think he can’t hear my simple complaints without taking them seriously.
I feel separate from him, like he’s far away over there, and I’m over here. I miss the feeling of being connected. I feel tense and contracted, and like I want to hurt him, or fight him or something.
At war. And sad underneath the urge to fight.
Who would I be without these thoughts?
Without these impulses that feel just like the way my teenage daughter sometimes talks about the world, events, politics, with a very opinionated and passionate, intense, slightly angry or critical tone?
I often want to tell her “I’m listening, don’t worry, I’m right here with you. I don’t know if I agree with anything you’re saying, but I hear you’re upset about the way the government seems to work here. Don’t get mad at me! I don’t have any answers! Stop being so intense!”
Maybe he feels the same way about me.
Well….I have been very passionate, and intense, in my life. I’ve eaten myself into a frenzy long ago in my addictive years, I’ve obsessed about my life going wrong, I’ve felt despair, I’ve felt angry.
Suddenly I realize, when I speak like a victim, some people might automatically react by trying to rescue me. Offer advice. Help the poor little thing (me) out.
Who started it?
Who reached out with a story of sadness and disappointment and complaining?
Who am I actually telling a sad story to? Someone who can easily respond with clarity, or someone who doesn’t really like to talk about tough times and un-doing beliefs! Someone who has lost everything and almost died due to drug addiction several years ago.
It’s like asking a homeless person on the street (who may be brilliant, by the way) for mortgage and real estate advice.
Really?
Turning the thoughts all around…..
I can’t just listen
I compulsively give him advice
I’m always trying to solve his problems (and my own)
I either don’t take his comments seriously at all, or I take them too seriously
I’m unable to sit in the Don’t Know mind when it comes to troubling feelings, or situations…especially with him
And then what about that clincher: I act like I’m a genius spiritual coach and some kind of enlightened person dishing out what I think of as brilliance.
I’ve done this, to myself, a hundred times. Like when I’ve closed a book I read, and said “from now on, this is how I’ll do it!”
I’m also doing it to him, right in the moment I’m giving him advice to stop giving me advice.
It’s true, I don’t really listen to him (I dismiss him) and I think about how he could improve his life (in my head) and I feel kind of sad still about the years he was gone on drugs.
I’m still in the past, when he’s up to speed in the present, living a very happy life with almost no possessions and no urge to “succeed” the way I do.
“Stand naked in front of me now, without the protection of your favorite philosophy, without your dusty old books, without quoting what you have read or been told, without even the familiar thought ‘who meets who?’ or ‘it’s all just a story’ to comfort you or separate us. If you think you have found the answers, if you’re excited because you think you’ve ‘arrived’, even if you believe yourself to be ‘the enlightened one’, that’s okay, it’s nothing to be ashamed of, we’ve all been through it. And if you think you haven’t found the answers yet, if you feel lost and lonely and far from home, that’s okay too. Just stay close….let us sit together awhile.” ~ Jeff Foster
What I really want, is to love and accept. Myself and the people I know and everyone else, too.
“I am the source of my pain, but only all of it. One hundred percent.” ~ Byron Katie
Sometimes, when people read a statement like this out of context, they say things to themselves like……
……”That’s so true. I am my worst enemy. What a schmuck I am, causing myself such turmoil. I wish I was different. It’s hopeless. My life sucks.”
But you know, of course, it’s not the intention that you feel bad about yourself and take this personally.
Often, when we feel frightened or nervous about conditions of life, we automatically get defensive, or attack something….anything.
This moment, this condition, this situation is WRONG!
And so am I!
But the more I work with people in mindful inquiry (and feeling deeply) the more I see that every time there’s a compulsive movement towards something, like binge-eating for example, or obsessive thinking, or other addictive behaviors…..
…..the thing we miss is what was so dang scary that eating felt like the better choice.
Could it be that the self-hatred or judgmental stream of thoughts or compulsive behavior actually covers up something more frightening, that we’d rather not think about at all?
What I found in my own internal excavation was….yes.
Big time.
I had a huge amount of fear, anxiety, resentments and unacknowledged grief about things that had happened in my life.
And I had never spoken of them to anyone, and certainly hadn’t done The Work on them.
No wonder I wanted to eat like a maniac sometimes (or starve myself, or smoke, or move to another town, or start making plans for something in a non-peaceful way, or spend time thinking about how to improve myself).
The other day, I read a quote that most humans would love to take the easy, fast solution to a problem that’s highly unlikely to work, than a slow, hard solution to a problem that’s guaranteed to work.
Isn’t that crazy?
We really hate the idea that something might take awhile, that something might be a practice over time.
Believe me, I tried all the fast solutions. I still lean that way at times, depending on the moment, before I realize “oh, right, there is no fast miraculous solution….time to slow down and take it one step at a time.”
If you’re wondering where to look more closely to find out what’s running below the surface, the underlying thoughts and fears you’d rather not see….
….and yet, you really DO want to see them in the end….
….then watch here today for one exercise that may help. It’s something a therapist did with me many years ago. It will slow you way down, and you may make some discoveries about what’s driving you to eat, be stuck, do that compulsive thing, avoid change.
An exercise to help you uncover underlying stressful beliefs that may be driving you to compulsive thinking or behavior
Much love, Grace
P.S. Not everyone has an eating issue, but if you do….and you want to take a closer look in this sometimes scary but profoundly life-changing way at what’s going on….come join Eating Peace Retreat. It’s in San Francisco area next month. We’ll be in a private home in Newark, and it will be wonderful, and safe.
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One of the strangest experiences some of us have about change or learning or inviting something new into our lives….