Sometimes, the Year of Inquiry group is just what I myself need.
Last night, we looked again at the worksheets we wrote on this bodily condition we don’t like (even hate).
Belly too big, fatigue to intense, energy too low, body too skinny, hearing too poor, face too wrinkled, age too old.
I’ve had a thought for days, because of great pain in my hamstring (no idea why it has returned) that there’s something wrong with my body because of the physical pain.
Guess what happens when I believe this thought?
This may sound a bit melodramatic, but it’s what happens.
I picture my own death.
“You only have about 15-25 years left anyway. Maybe now is a good time to say sayonara. Why not….it’s all down hill from here. I’m probably going to have the same back trouble as my mom. Things are not working. This is horrible. I can’t stand it. My body sucks. I will never achieve, succeed, create [fill in the blank] because of the state of this body.”
How amazing to have The Work, and a beautiful group of people who all call in together at the same time to look at these kinds of thoughts.
Is it true, this condition is so awful, and it prevents me from living my life “normally” or from going to the spa and being there naked?
No.
Who would I be without the belief that my body should be different than it is?
Yes, even THAT condition.
I remember having cancer….but yesterday I looked at that damaged hamstring I tore up 3 years ago surely never-to-be-the-same again.
Who would we be without the beliefs in our bodies being “wrong” or “ugly” or unacceptable?
Holy Moly.
Pretty mind-blowing.
Able to find the humor in this, and notice there are no perfect bodies, anywhere….certainly none that remain perfect.
The way of it appears to be decline, damage, decay, a return to silence somehow.
The turnarounds I heard last night almost brought tears to my eyes, they were so moving, so powerful.
Here’s what people in Year of Inquiry found:
My thinking is too bloated about all this.
My body is beautiful.
My energy level is perfect, and allows me to meditate (nothing else is possible)–isn’t meditating what I love?
I don’t have to save the world.
I AM saving the world, by questioning this very thought about my body.
If I can be OK with this imperfection, I might find freedom.
This condition is my friend.
This condition gives me the opportunity to get out of the business of my body, and hand it over back to God.
To be able to find benefits, and even be willing to be in this body, just this one I have, is not insignificant.
This body I have treated like shit, dismissively, with hatred, with anger, with disgust, with fear.
What if all that’s necessary for absolute freedom is to love this body, now, it whatever condition it is in….unconditionally?
Who knows what kind of power this could bring to the world.
Through this inquiry, I am enlightened to another way to be, to another possibility, another option.
Without “my” thinking my thoughts about what’s wrong with being physical….all is very well indeed. I’ll get to move on eventually, and I’m not in charge. Halleluia.
“Who would you be without the thought that would argue with reality, that would argue with what is? Watch you life, drop your story…look at the difference in your life without that belief. Same life, no tricks, just you not believing that thought. With the thought, stress, busy mind, lost mind, confused mind, suffering. Welcome to reality, the way of it. There is no mistake in the universe. The universe is brilliant. Everything is born on time, and dies on time. When we argue with it, we’re blind to it. Why is it better off that the way it is, is the way of it? What are the advantages? If God is good, why would this happen?” ~ Byron Katie
Hmm. Why should my hamstring hurt so badly today?
It’s giving me a signal to go back to that great body-worker I found. It’s helping me remember I want quiet, relaxation, gentleness and less doing in my life. I’m learning to appreciate aging, and rest. It’s reminding me I could have only this day, and to let go of everything and all plans. I love the state of no “have to” and Doing Nothing. It’s calling me to peace, right here.
Thank you, body. Thank you for your temporary and incredibleness. Thank you for lasting as long as you have so far. Thank you for one more day, and knowing there will be a last day for me at some point, and it will be brilliant.
Someone wrote to me saying she really wanted to find out more about the Eating Peace Retreat in California but the link didn’t work.
“What link?” I wrote back.
Well….turns out that would be ALL the links basically from when I created the facebook event, several different posts on facebook, the “how to register” pretty link (a way to shorten links) inside one of these Grace Notes.
So you see, I had updated my actual webpage with all the retreat information, and decided to shorten (forgetting this would CHANGE) the title and name of that page.
So everywhere I had previously posted information about the retreat now led to an old webpage name, which no longer existed.
I actually sent out announcements…..Hi everyone! Sign up right here!
With a link that if you clicked it….you got an error message saying the page did not exist.
(Did I WANT no one to find the page? What the…?)
I just made my airplane reservations. I’m going! There are enough people registered that I’m all in! There’s no way it will be canceled bar some unforeseen death and dismemberment situation. Or, OK, there are sometimes other reasons a little less dark and drastic for cancellations, but you get my point.
So….I knew to do The Work (after calling myself a dunce) and I allowed the thoughts to come forward.
Have you ever forgotten something at work, or at home, or lost something super important, or made a mistake, or broken something, or did something on the computer that turned out to create a problem, or hit your thumb with a hammer?
What was your immediate reaction?
You are an idiot!
You shouldn’t do this by yourself
Why don’t you get help for these types of details?
What’s wrong with you?
I’m not good enough, organized enough, strong enough, smart enough, big enough, financially sound enough to hire someone–see bullet #1
But if I paused, and got off the I-Screwed-Up ferris wheel, all of these thoughts point most fundamentally to one underlying assumption.
Posting the “incorrect” web page was bad.
Let’s do The Work.
Is that true, that having the wrong web page link out there on the internet was bad?
Yes!!
How on earth could that be good?
(Why I oughta….I’m trying to run a business here! People need to read about the retreats I’m offering! Are you nuts??!)
But are you sure? Can you absolutely know it was HORRIBLE and worth yelling at yourself like you committed a crime?
Uh, now that I really think about it….no.
I have no idea if it was bad!
Wow.
The answer is “no”. Not absolutely true.
Who would I be without this belief that I made a mistake, the web page should have existed, I shouldn’t have put in the “wrong” link….or that it even WAS the wrong link?
(Ha ha, that’s funny….it wasn’t the wrong link…..that is HILARIOUS).
But really. Without the belief it was?
I notice it’s still a month until this retreat. It’s OK, people are coming, I’ve got my plane tickets, planning is underway, quite a few more people are considering attending, it may sell out.
Nothing terrible is happening.
Before the thought, sitting in my warm living room basking in the glow of inquiry after a beautiful afternoon with the private monthly in-person group who just left.
After the thought (after receiving the message), sitting in my warm living room, still basking, and now my mom is there for supper and my husband has brought delicious food.
Turning the thought around: posting the “incorrect” internet page is NOT terrible…..it’s….wonderful? Seriously?
But let’s look.
How could it be at least OK, and no big deal, that the non-existent link was posted?
I’ve already noticed how nothing bad is happening. At all. That’s pretty big all in itself.
Someone wrote to me, and asked.
Reality offered correction, without me having to handle it—it was brought to my attention with zero effort on my part.
Kinda nice to know I didn’t have to be vigilant, or in charge, for the link to be spotlighted.
You know? Now that I think about it….it’s pretty awesome that the idea of the eating peace retreat was so appealing to a total stranger who found it on the internet, that she bothered to look me up and message me on facebook and ask how to get more info because the link she clicked was broken.
Most of all, the reason it’s awesome this happened is I get to notice when I think something was a mistake, and I did it, it feels off and kinda mean the way I have a heart-attack and call myself names…..
…..and I’m here to enjoy myself and this astonishing life full of love, and joy, and sorrow and change and silence.
I’m here to love and deeply appreciate this moment right here, right now, with all its mistakes and faux pas and dork-faced reactions and being human.
It’s so much more fun falling in love with myself, a human being, than constantly wishing I were different, like a non-mistake-maker.
Isn’t what I always want happening in the center of this supposed “error”?
The feeling of absolute freedom, to not “have to” do anything, to not “have to” remain in control, to freely make mistakes and readjustments, to feel an inner life of….Peace, no matter what happens?
Wow.
Right now, I am having a ball laughing at how things unfold like this—and waiting to see what other advantages come out of posting an incorrect link to the Eating Peace Retreat next month.
Can’t wait to find out!
Meanwhile….I hope the link right here, in this Grace Note today, works.
But if it doesn’t, oh goodie! (Ha ha!) Hit reply and ask me anything you’re wondering about. Happy to help in whatever way I can.
“We are constantly trying to hold it all together. If you really want to see why you do things, then don’t do them and see what happens.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul
Why do we have to go with her plans? She is so controlling!
Have you got one particular person you’d like to deep dive into your concepts and stressful thoughts about them?
March 23 9 am PT we’ll start a teleclass (you can dial-in with your computer) series Relationship Hell To Heaven. You’ll get to look at people you’ve had trouble with in your life.
The best part is….you don’t have to try to get along with them, change yourself, create a goal of acting “right” or have any expectations or plans.
Only inquiry.
Awareness changes everything. Click HERE to read more, or to join the six session telecourse Relationship Hell To Heaven.
********
Speaking of plans.
These are funny things, plans.
Like a map, or directions on how to build something….plans can offer a very, very good way and an efficient way to reach a goal or a dream.
I block out time to write my book, for example. I notice when I don’t do this, weeks go by without one single word getting written on it as other things come up instead.
Calendars appear to be required for me, and I still lose track of appointments every so often.
All of these exist because they’re so incredibly helpful. Our minds can’t hold everything. What an awesome invention to write things down, store information, create a map, follow a path, not have to reinvent the wheel.
Except.
Sometimes plans come along, or we receive them, and they don’t feel supportive, they’re not making things lighter. They’re actually making things more burdensome, or somehow, something’s off.
Like the strict diet, for example.
Since I’ve worked with so many people who are working on compulsive or emotional eating in their experience….
….I often ask people what kind of food or eating works for them.
(Everyone in the current Eating Peace Core class sent me their eating plan, for example).
People feel scared about having to have it on paper and how going outside of the “plan” means…..
…..you’re making a mistake, doing it wrong, screwing up, too rebellious.
Lots of us felt the burden of school plans. We must learn x, y, z and get graded well, and then we’ll succeed.
The most important thing about plans, I see now, is to hold them as useful, unless they aren’t.
If you hate plans, or if you love plans and can’t live without them, these two polarities both tend to be stressful.
Recently, someone was organizing a group vacation (that I was not 100% committed to, but part of the group).
We got the “plan” via email.
My thought…..JEEZUS. STOP TRYING TO RUN THE SHOW!
Heh heh.
My reaction?
Feel good I had not committed to the thing. Make a quick getaway. Say I just realized I can’t be there. Slip out quietly, so I don’t have to deal with plan-maker.
But let’s inquire instead.
He shouldn’t make such rigid, detailed plans.
Is it true?
Yes! He’s deflating the whole spontaneous, fun side of everything.
Can I absolutely know it’s true, these plans, the schedule, the “rules”, the laws, the expectations….are awful? Removing the fun?
Can I absolutely know he shouldn’t make such plans? Can I even know they are rigid?
No.
Who would I be without the thought?
Who would I be without the belief he should chill out, or the plan is a burden or stifling?
So funny.
All I needed was this one question and I saw within seconds that I could say yes and no to whatever was happening on the list. I could come and go, no one was “making” me do anything.
I could see how great it is to have a leader, someone super in charge with a lot of ideas. I can also see how great it is I can say without defense or without attacking this leader that “I’m in”, and a few of the activities or items on the schedule I won’t be attending.
I don’t have to have this one email change my whole entire day, or my thoughts about attending altogether.
Turning the thoughts around: he should make these plans, and they’re soft and flexible (turns out, this was completely true). I myself shouldn’t make such rigid, detailed “plans” for handling his plans in my head.
I wrote to my friend the leader and connected, honestly and openly about what I thought worked, and didn’t work, about the apparent plans.
There was no earthquake, or hail storm, or terrible rage against me for not wanting to go along with all the plans.
My “plans” that I would be pressured to keep the plans, were not the way it turned out.
My planning about what would happen if I resisted the plans was not reality.
No planning was necessary, at all.
“We are intuitive beings, but somehow in our conditioning we seem to have been trained to rely on process thinking, figuring things out, like we have to live life with a strategy….Of course you can use your mind to think, have thoughts, but you are very free. There is no need for plans. You don’t have to do any forensics on your thinking. You just move on.” ~ Mooji
Much love, Grace
P.S. Come join Relationship Hell To Heaven if you have someone in your life you call “controlling”. Just saying.
When someone is acting needy or demanding, like they can’t give up until they get what they want, we’ll often judge their behavior as sooooo…..ewww.
There they are, plowing ahead knocking other people out of the way to reach their goal…..or pining and moaning in a corner somewhere because they’re not getting what they want.
Both human behaviors are a bit irritating, even though they’re kind of opposites to the same coin.
Whether someone else is the needy, clinging, grabby person, pushing, selfish, demanding person, you might have one type you notice in your life (or maybe both) on a regular basis.
Either one feels, well, gross….as my teenage daughter would say.
It feels wretched, and upsetting, or infuriating.
Even if you think YOU exhibit one or both of these types of energies, and you don’t admire it much in yourself, there’s a way to address it, and it’s kind of counter-intuitive.
Find SOMEONE ELSE–Not You–who has this irritating or desperate behavior you’re calling needy or demanding, and judge the heck out of them on paper.
Get out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and picture the needy or demanding person acting the MOST needy or demanding they’ve ever acted, who is so insecure (or whatever you’re thinking of them) and write every uncomfortable thought down, unedited, on this worksheet.
I’ve got one.
How about you?
A man who once said to me that he was going to commit suicide without me in his life.
Ugh.
When he wrote that to me….I thought he was completely nuts.
I have this picture of him, long before the declaration that he wanted me to be his girlfriend…..following me to my car, never taking a breath he talked so much (we were friends), and holding on to the open door while I got in. I politely waited for him to pause, so I could get a word in edgewise, shut the door, and drive away.
He’s a dependent addict. Needy, extreme, lost and ridiculous in his thinking. He should get some serious psychological help and to stand on his own two feet. He’s a stalker. I need him to grow up and act normal. He’s sick.
Let’s inquire.
Is it true?
Yes!
Can you imagine committing suicide because someone doesn’t want you? What is this, Shakespeare? Creepy!
For me, it was terrifying.
But could I absolutely know it was true, that he was a dependent addict, like a love addict, with me? That he was needy, extreme, lost, ridiculous…or a stalker?
Not 100%. Well, not at all, now that I think about it.
He lived hundreds of miles away, he worked hard and made lots of money. A love addict?
I didn’t really know.
So how do you react when you think someone’s too needy, or someone’s too demanding, about getting what they want, in any way?
I notice, I try to get away. I ditch them.
If they’re bossy and demanding, I feel afraid. If they’re crying, I withdraw.
So who would you be without your beliefs about this person?
Without the belief he’s reaching, grabbing, begging, insecure, addicted, overwhelmed, too focused on me, and a baby?
“Mind is the creator of all of it, and when you see someone as unkind, it’s reminder that your head is off, not your body, and it’s time to do The Work….Our work’s not done until we stop being at war with anyone or anything.” ~ Byron Katie
Oh yah.
Heh heh.
Without these thoughts and beliefs, I notice the room I’m in, my surroundings. I’m here with myself, and many strong and intense emotions, feelings and images in my mind (of him).
I turn the thoughts around….without using it to attack myself, but instead using it to open up to who the projector is, and that I might not know any better either, just like him.
I am a dependent addict. I am needy, extreme, lost and ridiculous in my thinking. I should get some serious psychological help and to stand on my own two feet. I’m a stalker. I need me to grow up and act normal. I’m sick.
Deep breath.
I’m the one whose heart started pounding when reading a few words on email. I’m the one whose whole day was ruined, just because of not knowing where he was and because he didn’t answer his phone. I stalked myself with my frightened or angry thoughts about him. I woke up in the night, thinking. I needed me to grow up and act normal. I’m the one who acted like a love-addict, like contact with him was my “fix”.
Back then, when I did my work at the time…..
….I saw how I expected someone else to be the grown up (not me, never me) and act mature, enlightened and give the appropriate response to this situation.
It’s like I didn’t think of myself as the one who possibly could be clear, loving, honest and vulnerable.
But it turns out…..I could.
I “broke up” with him, feeling a sense of humility and great clarity too (not wishy-washy), seeing how I was just as weird as he was in the whole dance, acknowledging what a total love-addict I had been, and how dishonest, and how needy.
I gave myself a big hug, and cried a long while, for being so extreme, and lost, and not standing on my own two feet.
“You have everything you need in order to be an honest human being. No one ever has to be afraid of the truth. It’s the defenses that we build around the truth that strike fear into our hearts….If I think ‘What’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with me in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it. And until I question what I believe about him, until I do The Work, I lose the awareness of love. So I question it, and love is visible again.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is It True?
Wow. Love becoming visible again.
Sweet.
Start with your most despicable judgments. Write them all down.
Who ever would have thought your worst thoughts could become lightbulbs to awareness, freedom….LOVE!?!
And if you’d like group support to do The Work together on difficult relationships….you’re in luck. On Wednesdays from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time March 23 – May 11 (no class April 4 or April 27) we’ll begin working together on this powerful journey of inquiry. That’s Noon Eastern, 5 pm London. Click HERE to join read more, or to join the six session telecourse Relationship Hell To Heaven.
Open yourself to this moment, and everything falls into place
This month the Year of Inquiry program is looking at the body, physical conditions or limitations, feelings like “exhaustion” we don’t like.
But really, the sticky beliefs we have about the body are almost the same as the ones we have about anything that feels uncomfortable.
If it’s a person, an experience, a condition, an interaction, part of reality and it causes anxiety, heartbreak, worry, or rage…..
…..often we have the same reaction.
Kill it.
Now, I’m kind of joking around here.
But “kill it” can mean the following: get away from it, destroy it, figure out how to crush it or punish it or make it go away forever, work hard to eliminate it, seek help to change it, and never be happy unless it looks like you might be successful at putting an end to your contact with this thing, person, condition, interaction or experience. Forever.
People in Year of Inquiry were noticing weight, shape, or feelings all as being “wrong” and how much the mind suffers when something is present that it thinks shouldn’t be.
I’ve had the same feeling with people, or with the condition of “not enough money” or even towards my own MIND.
It’s a problem.
How to solve it?
Make it go away. It shouldn’t exist. Not like this.
But let’s look at “change” and the wish that something was different than it is.
I demand this to change. Now.
Can you feel the stress? The frustration? The fury at that thing Not Changing?
What if you wished this about your mind, and the act of thinking itself?
Yeah! It should be calmer! It shouldn’t run around like a Tasmanian Devil. My thoughts should be relaxed, still, sharp, genius, and non-judging, and Not Bored.
Haha! As if.
(You know the saying “as if”? You say it with sarcasm like a super rebellious teenager and it means….”As If that could EVER happen!”)
So let’s do The Work on this demand for something to change–even the mind itself.
Is it true that it should change?
Answer this question about whatever it is you really, really think would be waaaaay better if it changed, upgraded, improved, stopped.
Are you absolutely sure it should?
Um. Pretty sure. At least…..
…..dang, now I’m confused.
Maybe not. Maybe I can’t know if it should change, this thinking mind. I’m not really trying to MAKE it think. It’s just doing that.
How do I know it’s not supposed to, or that I’d feel better if it didn’t?
I know how I react when I believe my mind is a problem.
I hammer away at it. I read books about “thinking” and changing the mind. I feel irritated with it. I’m sure there’s something I’m missing, that other people are enjoying out there. Poor me.
Who would I be without this belief, though?
Clunk.
Going blank.
You mean….no belief that this needs to change? No conviction that this is bad, and must be fixed?
Wow.
Wait, even the mind?
Yah.
What if you didn’t believe your evaluations were true, that this should go away, it needs to change, you will be happier later (and you aren’t right now)?
Who would you be without your thought that your thoughtsshouldn’t be as they are?
Hilarious, right?
“At the core of our suffering is the sense that something bad is happening to us. In fact, that’s what the word suffering literally means–to undergo or endure. There’s a sense of passivity (from the Latin passio, meaning ‘I suffer’), of not being in control, of being the victim of life….When the pain is not deeply accepted in this moment, I become ‘the one who is in pain’. And then the search is on. I do not want to be the one who is in pain. I want to escape pain. I want to be the one who is NOT in pain. I don’t want to be pain’s victim. I want a new identity!” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
What if you turned it all around and you stood here, right now, without any sense of anything being wrong, or happening to you….
….not the difficult person, your condition, your body, the uncomfortable moment, or your fearful or troubled thoughts?
No need for any new identity.
As if.
“Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23
Running into someone who you used to know, who you used to have an entirely different relationship with, and now they’re right in front of you is sometimes……weird.
But let’s be honest.
It’s only weird if there’s unfinished, unresolved thoughts and feelings about this person.
It happened to me the other day.
On Facebook.
OK, OK, OK….I know that’s not actually running in to someone!
It can feel that way for a second, though.
And it results in the same response. Like….oh. Wow. There they are. One word or “like” or chat head away. Just a click of the button or the keyboard.
Except, suddenly you’re flooded with not having anything to say because there was SO MUCH to say before (that was never said) or there was an unresolved “sting” that hurt between you.
What I’ve found is…..if something like this pops in to my radar…..
…..time to go back in time and do, you guessed it, The Work!
So I went to a moment, a situation, with that person where I felt really surprised and criticized, and later, angry.
I could see it clearly.
(And a voice in my head also was chattering while seeing that situation from the past: “you’ve done The Work on this already, it won’t help, this is stupid, just forget about it, who cares, it’s just on facebook, etc.”)
Thanks for sharing, oh voice, and I think I’ll take a look.
“She criticized me.”
I can see her eyes, hear her voice. I almost can’t remember exactly what she said, but I remember she admitted at the time she was feeling critical of me.
I see a kitchen, and all the other people milling around, putting away food, or eating, or washing dishes, and talking and laughing.
And this stinging voice saying sort of fiercely, directly, without any humor whatsoever when I was lying down….”could you help clean up?”
I see another moment when she’s asking me if I can join the group a little more, I’ve been working on my computer too much. And another moment where she’s talking about other people we’re with and how annoyed she is with them and planning on asking them never to come back.
I remember the feelings, as these images zip through my mind.
Scared of her judgment. Scared of her sharp eye. Scared of the way she’s bossing people, or kicking people out, or even praising people for that matter. Evaluating everyone.
Help! Run away! That’s her, on facebook!!
So is it true, she criticized me….or criticized other people.
Both, she did both. She is a super critical person.
That’s the truth.
Can you absolutely know that it’s true she criticized YOU?
Can you absolutely know she criticized those other people and kicked them out?
In that situation…..the answer seems like “yes”. It feels true. It appears true.
I look up the word “critical” as I consider her words, her manner, the way she spoke of others. It says the word “critical” is defined as disapproving, fault-finding, judgmental, scathing, accusatory, negative.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
Deep breath.
How do I react when I think this is true about her?
Both afraid, and also critical of her, for being critical. Oh Lordy.
I don’t want to see her, not even on facebook. I don’t want to connect, or talk with her. I avoid her. I think of her as mean, and dangerous, and unenlightened.
I feel like there’s someone out there who isn’t fun to be around, and this thing in the universe (this person) is a pocket of discomfort, bad news.
So who would I be without this belief that she criticized me or anyone else? Who would I be without the belief she’s dangerous, or a threat, or frightening for me?
At first, as I imagine being without the thought, I notice how skittish I am sometimes, with some people. It’s like, all they did was speak words, and I’m freaking out and yelling “RUN FOR THE HILLS!!!!”
There was no physical pain, there was no dramatic scene. There was no yelling, or loud noise.
Without my belief, I suddenly remember when I met her and how we talked for 4 hours straight into the night. And how much we have in common. Only days apart in age, and both the oldest of four, and both with fathers who died young.
Gosh.
I forgot about these things I love about her, until this experience of wondering who I’d be without the memory of her criticizing me,without the belief that she did.
Turning the thoughts around: she didn’t criticize me, I criticized her, I criticized myself.
I’ve spent so much time criticizing myself, criticizing others. Right in the moment I believed, with so much fear, that she criticized me it was like a wall of fearful energy exploded between us and I never let myself get that close to her again.
Until now.
Remembering.
Opening up to how much I love her, and how much I love in general.
Could her communication to me be her best attempt to reach out for what she needed in that moment? To connect? To protect herself? To be heard? To make a situation she didn’t like, more favorable?
And maybe I’ve done the very same thing, every time I’ve been critical.
“Life itself is not a conclusion, and all mental conclusions are really there to be shattered, and this shattering of fixed views we call waking up, and it is a timeless process with no beginning and no end in sight. There are no ‘fixed’ waves in the vast, wild ocean of life. Let’s always keep the dialogue going, and never let it become a monologue. And then criticism will not be something we have to ‘deal with’ at all, but something we look forward to, something we embrace and cherish, since now we know it is only an invitation to deeply meet beyond stories, and surrender even more deeply to life and each other.” ~ Jeff Foster
Bring on the criticism.
It stirs something inside, a spark, a fire, a passion.
Could it be reality? Humanity? Love? A gift? A breaking of the shell?
Let the opposites play on! There is enough, and not enough time. And this is perfect.
Not long ago, someone asked me “why do you do what you do?”
Good question.
Really, this question has been one of the most powerful in my life.
It’s driven me to understand why I did crazy things like binge-eat or drink, to study philosophy, go to graduate school, read volumes of books, pay for expert help, seek answers to my insanity and crazy thinking, and eventually led me to learn The Work….
….which somehow has stuck and offered profound clarity in so many areas.
The answer to “why” I do what I do has been pretty selfish for the most part.
I wanted to end my suffering.
I did addictive escapist things to end my momentary suffering of anxiety or sadness. I quit jobs to end my suffering of feeling like a slave. I pursued knowledge or connections with people to end my suffering in loneliness or fear of abandonment. I traveled and didn’t stay in one place to end my suffering in fear of intimacy, or boredom. I enrolled in educational experiences to end my suffering of feeling worthless or unable to help.
I’ve gone to business trainings and spiritual teachers to find success in the area of service and peace, and end my fear of failure or a pointless future.
But what would it be like to live and do things and create or pursue or be busy and have a super full schedule and talk to many people and travel all around and learn lots of new stuff or even sit in silent meditation on retreat….
….without suffering being involved?
Huh?
Gosh.
Never thought of that before.
Why would you do The Work, for example, if you weren’t really bugged, or upset, or worried, or sad?
I realized, the other day, not being super troubled has still offered a window or pathway into The Work, as long as I’m interested in wondering if something’s true or not.
It’s like the suffering is either very mild, and maybe not even there, but I find I still have a strong opinion, a sharp judgment, a flash of thinking something like “he should get a job” even if I also don’t know if he should get a job and basically also don’t care (in a good way).
The Work offers great questions to contemplate, I realized along the way, on anything.
Any thought. Any feeling.
So let’s do a lighter concept today, or at least, it feels like I forget about it and don’t really care for the most part, but it still occurs to me from time to time when it comes to life.
So….here it comes….wait for it….
….there isn’t enough time.
Yeah.
That’s right.
There isn’t.
I’m limited in years here on planet earth. I’m in my fifties. I’m only just hitting my stride. I should have started meditation in my teens, I should have started my own business in my twenties. I want to live to see my children’s children’s children and it probably won’t happen. I want to see what amazing things will happen with our natural world and humans and technology.
I should have….
Is it true?
Are you sure there’s not enough time?
No.
How do you react when you think this thought?
I feel so temporary. I feel like it took me so long to get here. So much wasted time on suffering and believing stressful thoughts and reacting and freaking out and withdrawing and hiding and seeking pleasure or escape and having a really contentious relationship with this life and reality.
Now my relationship with reality is actually feeling pretty wonderful, even though there’s still suffering in the world and in my life, I just don’t feel the agony of it all.
How amazing to even be able to say that.
Why couldn’t I have relaxed earlier in life?
I need more time!
Who would you be without this thought?
Ha ha!
Laughing!
It’s such a persistent and goofy story.
Obviously, everyone is here only for a while. No one has unlimited time. Ever.
I’ve already found how I wouldn’t give up one single horrendous moment of war within because of the truce or freedom it led me to eventually. Many difficulties led to something far greater than I could have imagined.
Thank God, thank goodness, thank Reality.
I turn the thought around: There’s enough time. More than enough time.
This much I have is just right, plenty. Perfect.
Couldn’t this be just as true, or truer? What are examples?
Well….it seems reality has it that we are here for one life time, however long or short that is.
We do not live in this body forever. Why would I miss the natural flow of things?
I also notice, I’ve had every experience at the core that can be had: loss, pain, sickness, death, surrender, awareness, maturing, acceptance, love, birth, curiosity, no idea what’s going on, sorrow, joy. Nothing’s actually missing.
I am. Time is not necessary.
Woah!
“Love says ‘I am everything’. Wisdom says ‘I am nothing’. Between the two my life flows. Since at any point of time and space I can be both the subject and the object of experience, I express it by saying that I am both, and neither, and beyond both….What is perfect, returns to the source of all perfection and the opposites play on.” ~ Nisargadatta in I Am That
Peace Talk Episode 107 is released. I loved talking with Kathleen Gage about practical, everyday inner peace…and no mistakes.
Also, today is Sunday afternoon meetup for folks wanting to drop in to get a taste of doing The Work of Byron Katie 2-4 pm. Seattle. Only $10.
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Are you feeling stress or peace when you think of that person?
I received a text once, the last one in a series of texts back and forth about a good friend’s divorce involving lawyers, cease-and-desist orders, heavy alcohol use, terrible sadness, upsetting scenes with kids.
Ugh. The whole thing seemed to be getting worse, and worse, and worse.
Even though I wasn’t so sure, I wrote back that he should do everything in his power to NOT go to war and make more enemies. I called it my Martin Luther King moment. I had this weird hesitation when re-reading it, but I hit “send”.
This is what I got back:
“I’m totally at peace with whatever happens. If you tell me ‘you will get through this’ or ‘in the end you’ll be OK’ again, we will no longer be speaking.”
You gotta admit, this is pretty clear.
I felt smacked down.
Inside I had a voice that said something like “fine, take your completely-at-peace self outta here and go f*%^ yourself, see if I care.”
That would be slightly defensive, wouldn’t it?
Saying something sarcastic, saying I didn’t want to talk anymore, saying he was acting defensive, pointing out he didn’t exactly seem at peace…..any of my immediate comments would be feeding the very same slap-down energy.
War.
I could feel it inside when he told me these words, like a fire ready to explode, in my gut, and I wanted to cry.
The words to accompany the feeling, if I spoke them out loud, were basically like a scream, a wail, pure cussing, a rage.
Inside this voice was having a fit of Poor Me, or I-Have-Been-Ditched or I-Have-Been-Threatened or I-Have-Never-Been-So-Insulted-In-My-Life.
Defend, defend, defend.
And right under this, very hurt.
A great sweeping sense of pain.
I knew that if I wanted to learn from this interaction (and I always do, please) I needed to listen, not tell him what to do or how to be or send back a defensive or hostile text.
I also knew, I needed to focus back on myself and get in my own business, not on his.
How do you get back inside your own business, when someone ditches you, or tells you they don’t like what you said?
The Work.
I identified my thoughts, the hurt ones yelling in my head and bursting in my heart and feeling sick in my stomach.
He doesn’t care about me. He thinks I’m shit. He’s an asshole. He’s a big fat baby, and a victim. He’s so rude. He doesn’t understand me. He’s a liar. He’s sick. He hurt me.
I pause, I look. I see the movie in my head of him, I see the words on my phone, I feel tears form in my eyes. It’s like anger has nowhere to go. And a sadness….why are people so mean like this, so full of rage? Was my pep talk to him really that horrible? Jeez. Poor me.
(I ask myself these questions almost simultaneously while doing The Work….why am I so full of rage? Can I find how what I said WAS horrible?)
Is it absolutely true, all these things I mention, all this pain about him?
In the breath, I look around and see outside the windshield of the quiet parked car. The world is still underway outside this car.
I stop and sob a minute. So hurt.
Is it absolutely true he is this mean asshole who thinks I’m shit, doesn’t understand me, is manipulative and babyish and rude….and he hurt me?
Back then in my car, I said YES!
Fists gripping the steering wheel. Then back to writing.
Now, as I look back doing this work….I can’t say it was absolutely true.
No, it wasn’t.
I don’t know, I don’t know. I have no idea of the entirety of what was going on there. What came out of it was an important and very good change. So, no, it was not absolutely true….even if I have doubts. I survived, I had happy moments, I wasn’t all-hurt-all-the-time. I’m not even sure “I” was hurt. Wow.
How do you react when you believe these thoughts?
In writing, I look at each thought one at a time. I want to give my mind clarity, not get scattered, settle down. I want freedom.
The silent part of me can see how I’m sitting in a quiet car, alone, and how peaceful this moment is EXCEPT for my thoughts.
How do I react, when I believe and think these thoughts? I hate. I feel furious. I want to throw a knife. I feel violent. I want to cry. I feel scared. I think I’m right. I think he’s wrong. I think I’m better. I think he’s worse. I think he’s the source of pain, not my own thinking. Wow.
This isn’t just “defensive”, it’s the energy of war.
So who would you be without the belief? Without the thought that this list of horrible qualities I’ve written down and offenses and meanness are all true?
Hold still.
What would that be like, if the thoughts you have about someone who you think hurt you…..were not true?
What would it be like to not have the thoughts in your head at all? Like, if you couldn’t think them?
This is not denial, not playing mind-games with yourself trying to be nicey-nice when you do NOT feel nice.
But remember how I wasn’t so sure my thoughts were the Absolute Truth of All Time (as if I was God) anyway….and after some time passed I realize my thoughts about this person might not be true at all?
In that moment I felt so hurt and criticized, what was happening really?
Memories. Movies playing in my head. Very quiet car, rain pattering on windshield, skin on steering wheel, things (called cars and people) moving about.
As I remember the words, the letters on a screen I read, I realize without the thought, I’d be a person reading a text (and not even that, since it’s a memory) and no one ever yelled at me. No one ever screamed for me to stay away from them. No one ever said I was shit, or they didn’t care about me.
I look more closely, I spend time there looking instead of picking up a verbal baseball bat to prepare to hit.
Because fetching a baseball bat, whether physically or with words, is actually…..hell. I can feel in the heartbreak, in the turmoil, how hellish it really is.
As I sit and look with this space of a breath, and not believing what I’m thinking is 100% true, I see a person in my mind (my friend), trying to do the best he can. And he even said “I am completely at peace.”
Wow, I didn’t even hear (believe) those words. Why not? Because, they are actually at one level entirely true, no matter how he’s acting or what he’s doing.
Turning the thoughts around:
He does care about me. I don’t care about him. I don’t care about myself. I think I’m shit, I think he’s shit. I’m an asshole. I’m a big fat baby, and a victim, in this situation. He’s so direct and clear. I don’t understand him, or myself. I’m a liar. I’m sick. I hurt him.
What if these were just as true, or truer?
I slowly, carefully, with unconditional acceptance for myself, found examples.
And then….this boiling energy, and hurt energy, lifted and seemed to vanish instantly.
I became aware of how much I love him, and also don’t have to be his best friend. I don’t actually see him all that much, I realized. I don’t know in depth about his life, I’ve assumed a lot, and what I heard at that time via text scared me, I replied with advice “you’ll get through this”, so he would settle down and stop being so upset.
I really was a liar!
I was scared of his opinions, and scared of his temper. I didn’t want to show how sad I felt, how scared, and how horrified I was about his troubling story and life circumstances.
I covered all that up and told him “in the end you’ll be OK” and honestly, I don’t even know what OK looked like. The situation he had shared with me sounded absolutely awful, with many people getting hurt and acting crazy.
I dismissed his situation, I didn’t care about him.
The truth would have been to write “Your situation sounds truly awful. I don’t know what to say. If you want to do The Work, I’m here. If you want me to listen, I can do that–but barely. I’m feeling pretty sad about it.”
I hurt him.
Oh.
I hurt myself, too.
I got very caught up in someone else appearing to freak out (which I don’t know was actually true) and I freaked myself out, about their situation, in zero to 60 in less than one second (the time it took to read a text) and started ladling out advice to get him to stop freaking out, so I could, too.
Wow.
“For thousands of years we’ve been told not to judge–but let’s face it, we do it all the time. We all have judgments running in our heads. Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love…..This doesn’t mean that you have to invite your enemy to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see the person again, you may even divorce him or her, but as you think about the person, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you have some work to do on someone like this….Spring Retreat is May 13-15. A few spaces left.
With the body, the easiest place to begin is simply with writing your beliefs down about the body on a Judge Your Body worksheet, especially if you haven’t inquired into your stressful thoughts about being physical before.
But if you HAVE inquired into something you don’t like about being physical and having a body in your condition, something you feel threatened by about the body….
….step two is to really sit and contemplate why.
Why am I upset that I’m sick?
Why am I troubled, or terrified of being injured, or not feeling high energy?
What would I have, if I had that perfect dream condition I am so sure is best for me?
I often spend some time on this in Eating Peace retreats, or in Eating Peace Telecourses.
We want the body to look different, to look more attractive, thin, smooth, muscular.
We want to look like we’re in great physical condition.
WHY would that be soooooo fabulous?
Here’s what I’ve found reveals itself:
I want to look good (thin, athletic, young) because….people will find me attractive. People will want to spend time with me. People won’t abandon me. People will think I’ve got something they want, and therefore stay closely associated.
I will be accepted, and acceptable. I will not be criticized by people. I won’t make people uncomfortable. People will think I’m cool.
You might not care what other people think generally, but you may care about one particular person’s perspective of you, or you may care about the opinion of your mother when you were twelve. Just saying.
Let yourself consider when in your lifetime you cared about physical appearance, and why.
And if you really don’t care if you look like a frog, or a weird. alien from another planet, but you still notice you feel some kind of attachment to your body being healthy, young, energetic, pain-free…..
…..you can still wonder why you want that?
Where did you learn this was better than something else?
Do you ever reach that completely “better” or perfect condition?
I chuckle at Byron Katie’s laughter as she says “you’ll get the body just perfect, and then you get hit by a bus!”
Who would you be without the belief that improvement is necessary?
Some people say….OH NO!!!!
If I don’t have the drive to improve, I’ll sit around on my couch and eat ice cream all day, never go to the gym or lift a finger, and never go to the doctor for any reason, whatsoever.
Are you sure?
I love the drama of that thought.
Detachment suddenly means doing absolutely nothing, and not even imagining you might WANT to do something.
You couldn’t possibly do something because it’s fun, or you love it, it brings you great pleasure, or it’s just what happens when you aren’t in control. It’s like we swing all the way to total detachment, no caring for anything, ever, including getting up.
At least, that’s the mind’s view of things. We must have discipline, willpower, drive, total control….or give up to resignation and despair.
Dictator or Victim.
Who would you be without these extreme polar opposites?
Who would you be right now, in this moment, without the belief your body is wrong, declining, ill, ugly, or too heavy?
“That is not you in your head, that’s an image. As you witness your imagination, you’re devastated. Who would you be without your thoughts? Without those false images? They’re cartoons! It’s a dramatic movie! I invite you to notice the difference between reality and imagination. Are you OK right now? Are you breathing? Everything OK? Other than what you’re thinking and believing, life is really good. We’re so busy with the horror movie, we don’t look at reality. Reality is always kinder than the story.” ~ Byron Katie
One of my best friends in the world who lives in another country is in the middle of a break up of a long-term relationship.
We hear about these things happening all the time.
People bickering, spending thousands on lawyers, he did this, she did that, this is mine, that’s not yours, he’s insane, she’s wrong.
The couple involved are both basically incredibly, deeply, fundamentally shaken and hurt. They’re feeling guilty, confused, shocked, and angry to the core.
Funny how this goes, and it’s so opposite to the first budding romantic excitement of a brand new love.
This was a person you once decided to buy property with, or have children with, or share a kitchen and bathroom with….
….and now you hate them.
Kind of weird, right?
What the heck happened?
Often, it’s small things that happen over time, and how people communicate what they really feel (or don’t communicate), and stories that build up….than can definitely be questioned (but never were).
I’ve worked with couples from time to time when they call for sessions doing The Work together.
People read their worksheets to each other, with all the most blistering and childish beliefs written down about the other person (the stuff we’d normally never say out loud).
Both people have to be really willing to hear difficult things from the other person, take it in, and feel it and hold it as something to learn from.
I find, many people would love to be able to do this, but they can’t.
(Only, of course, they can….maybe just not yet).
They don’t know how to NOT feel defensive, put up a wall, cut the other person off in anger, take things very personally.
My friend, who knows The Work and is super willing to question her own thinking was so angry at her partner she was half-crying half-yelling in her voicemail.
Sometimes, we just break down.
It’s kinda normal, really. Maybe even the breaking down, breaking apart…..breaking…..isn’t so bad after all.
But here’s something I thought after listening to her, calling her back and talking awhile.
I hung up the phone, and I felt a little sad myself.
“They’re both acting like total babies.”
I could feel this feeling of YUCK inside my own chest.
Thoughts like….I want nothing to do with this ridiculous juvenile behavior. They should get a grip. People are mad.
And then, I realized….my own thoughts of being against them fighting were similar to them actually fighting.
Sigh.
Time for The Work.
They should stop fighting.
Is it true?
Yes, damn right they should stop. Did I tell you about how they got together in the first place so many years ago and how there was already some concern, and…..
…..Oh. I almost forgot.
I was answering the question.
Right.
Is it absolutely true they should stop fighting?
Um….YEAH.
How do you react when you believe they should stop, and they don’t?
I remember my two kids fighting. I believed this thought. I remember my neighbors fighting about a loud dog. I believed this thought. I remember my grandpa and dad fighting about money and respect. I believed this thought.
And what about the wars in the world?
I believe this thought.
How do I react?
Upset, very sad. Wanting to get away from it all, get away from the human race. It’s depressing.
So who would you be without this belief, that people should stop fighting?
Wait, what?
What d’ya mean, without that thought? Are you saying….it’s OK for them to be fighting! You must be crazy!!
No. This isn’t saying you find it OK, acceptable, good, kind, happy, beneficial.
Not at all.
But without the thought screaming in my mind, without the bracing within my body against this thing called “fighting” I definitely relax a moment.
I think about these people who are fighting, and I want to understand, to connect, to listen.
I don’t tell them what to do, I don’t give speeches, I may or may not be super involved (my friend, after all, lives a long way away).
There’s a space of silence or a pause between thoughts, between words.
I notice, in reality, there is fighting. Always has been. Maybe always will be, who knows. I saw dogs fighting yesterday on the bike trail. Fighting, and fires, and fireworks, and huge waves crashing, and volcanoes erupting HAPPEN in this reality.
I also notice, in reality, there is NO fighting in this moment in my environment. It is very quiet, my daughter is reading at the table, my husband is on his computer, there’s a hum of a motor outside, I can hear rain pattering on the kitchen window.
Turning the thought around:
They shouldn’t stop fighting. They should keep on fighting, until they don’t. I should stop fighting in my own head, about their fighting. I should stop fighting myself. I should stop fighting my own thinking.
Ooh. Nice little pussy cat thoughts (like tweety bird)….you aren’t so lionishly terrifying after all, are you?
If you look at a pile of thoughts….there’s nothing there.
Ha ha!
And silence holds it all.
“It has nothing to do with effort. Just turn away, look between the thoughts, rather than at the thoughts. When you happen to walk in a crowd, you do not fight every man you meet, you just find your way between. When you fight, you invite a fight. But when you do not resist, you meet no resistance. When you refuse to play the game, you are out of it.” ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj in I Am That
