Month: March 2017

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I have created a world where enemies are possible

Still some space in the May retreat for commuters only. We’re almost full, but if you’re considering, there’s still room. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals through Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work. May 11-14.

Breitenbush is starting to fill and this is one where the choice housing sells out fast (little gorgeous private cabins). Read about it HERE. Only one more month for early bird rate. (27 CEUs). June 21-25.

Being With Byron Katie July 8-11 on north Capitol Hill heart-of-Seattle private little home. 4 bedrooms, big kitchen, and simple large living room with excellent seating. Bedrooms available for those who wish to stay overnight (very low price compared to alternatives). Total silence for 4 days onsite, with two 3-hour sessions of streaming Byron Katie live to us from Switzerland. Only $185, probably the most inexpensive way possible to spend time with Byron Katie. 24 CEs for Certification Candidates in Institute for The Work. “The highlight of my entire year” ~ Summer 2016 participant.

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Do you see yourself as the victim of a circumstance or situation or an interaction with someone?

Even the teensiest tiniest bit?

Because I’ve found, when I feel this way even just a wee smidgeon, the mind will take off so fast on how that person, or reality and life itself, Done Me Wrong.

Seriously, did you hear what she said? Oh, and that’s nothing. One time a man I know hurt me by….And then there was the time I broke my leg, hurt my back, got yelled at….Oh and also she betrayed me, it was terrible.

The mind kicks in with a story (or now that you’re asking, 100 stories) and goes from zero to 260 miles per hour in 4 seconds flat on how terrible, awful, horrible it was and I’m still getting over it today. It sets records with stories of being a victim and that person doing you wrong.

At least, that’s how my mind has run.

It’s not easy. And it can be incredibly frightening.

You see how you were hurt. Maybe over and over again, like some kind of weird recording loop getting stuck and playing repeatedly. A haunted house.

We’ll say to ourselves DO NOT THINK ABOUT THAT…MOVE ON!!

But no.

It’s right here in my consciousness, in my psyche. I’m thinking about it when awake at night.

I’ve received a few emails and had some individual sessions lately with beautiful inquirers who were really, really afraid and have experienced some pretty intense trauma in the past.

Can you do The Work on these dreadful situations? But they’re so frightening! How could asking four questions handle that heart-wrenching experience?

The astonishing thing is….I’ve found The Work CAN handle these experiences.

I mean, what else really is the problem except my thinking about it?

Because the event, the person, the situation, the circumstance….

….is actually over right now, in this present moment.

If you have trouble even thinking about going back to the difficulty, the pain, the terror, the trauma….here’s one thought you can question right now:

“I can’t handle this!”

People come with this thought in the eating peace program about a moment of compulsion all the time, but really it arises for many in all kinds of situations.

I can’t handle this feeling, this memory, this awareness, this incident, this image, this experience. I seriously Can’t Handle It. Don’t make me!

So before we even start questioning the thoughts about who did it and what happened and what you believe about what happened, if you notice great fear rising up about even doing The Work on something….let’s do The Work on this first thought, OK?

You can’t handle it.

Is it true?

Yes. This ruins my whole day. I just want to be over it, and never think about it again. I’m making myself sick about this. I HATE this memory. I want it to turn OFF. PLEASE. I’m getting tortured here. I really can’t handle it!!!!!!!!!

(Lots of exclamation points).

But can you absolutely know this is true that you can’t handle it?

Look around.

Where are you?

Are you being held up by the ground, the floor, a chair, a bed perhaps? Are you breathing, even if you think you can’t breathe?

I can’t know it’s absolutely true. I notice I’m handling it, even if it barely feels like it. Even if I’m scared to death.

How do you react when you believe you can’t handle it?

Totally freaking out.

Body full of resistance and tightness. Resentful. Defensive. Anxious.

So who would you be without the belief you can’t handle this?

Here you are in this situation: human remembering a painful event. Full of feelings. Flooded. Paralyzed (you think). But entirely without the thought you can’t handle it.

I know it isn’t comfortable.

This isn’t the blissful experience of being without thought.

Notice what’s actually true, though. Even if you have a nervous breakdown (or you could call it a huge crack and shift of consciousness). What I notice is you CAN handle it.

You already ARE handling it. You HAVE handled it.

Here’s a way that’s worked for me, to be with this wondering of who you are without your belief you can’t handle it: imagine your left elbow or your pinkie finger, or your skin.

These parts of you as a living entity handled it. You weren’t running, or needing to control, or being the manager of your pinkie finger and whether or not it could handle it. Maybe you aren’t running your mind either, as it dives off the diving board into fear. It’s just being itself, trying to protect and make sense of something.

The same mind can answer questions….it LOVES questions. It loves getting simpler, and finding answers.

You CAN handle your feelings.

What if they are here to help out? What if they’re suggesting you have some brilliantly powerful work to do?

Turning it around:

It can’t handle me.

How could this be as true, or truer?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in form that we haven’t understood yet. And questioning the mind allows beliefs to simply arise. The quiet mind realizes that no belief is true, it is immovable in that, so there’s no belief it can attach to. It’s comfortable with them all….Projection would have us see reality as a ‘them’ and a ‘me’, but reality is much kinder….If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 230

That thing I perceive as so traumatic? It can’t handle whatever this “me” is. This me is vast and expansive. This me is mind and thought, life force, presence, awareness. This me is consciousness, being human. Undefinable really. Mysterious.

The thoughts are puffs of smoke like those little exploding mushrooms in nature. Poof.

If I looked into a basket of my thoughts about that terrible trauma, I’d see air. Nothing. It’s all flashing images of a magnificent creative mind, re-member-ing. Attempting to tie things together, that aren’t actually together.

It’s OK that this mind tries to make sense. The mind itself is also not the enemy. It is a friend, bringing an offering, for inquiry.

It can’t handle you.

That’s truer.

Much love,
Grace

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Eating Peace: You need a plan…but are you sure you need THAT kind of plan?

It can feel like such a relief to know what to expect.

Perhaps you’re about to visit a new country, and you’ve read tons of books and talked to many people about how to navigate and have the best time when you’re there.

Planning can be fun.

But are you planning, organizing, analyzing, gathering data, or mapping things out so you can Not Be Scared?

I used to notice that going on a diet (the plan to do it, at least) would provide some relief for sure. I’ll get this thing under control. I’ll handle, or manage, this situation and no longer be whacko when it comes to food.

This can happen with far more than only food and eating issues.

I’ll get this particular thing together and squared away, and I’ll be OK. I don’t care if I suffer, or if it hurts. I’ll start x and stop y.

But what if you could relax with not knowing what’s next, or what will happen tomorrow, or how this whole thing unfolds? What if you could come back to right now, today, and see if what you’re looking for….or even relief, peace, quiet, gentleness, and love are all here in this moment.

Without having to know anything about what’s going on tomorrow.

Here I share what it’s like to inquire into the stressful thought “I need to know….”

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Death: if you don’t have a belief about it, you could just as well be filing your nails

I jolt up in bed in the middle of the night, heart racing and adrenaline pumping through my whole body.

I can’t feel my entire right arm.

It feels like it’s dead, no sensation, like a hunk of meat or someone else’s arm.

A minute after sitting up, looking into the dark room gathering my bearings, I feel pins and needles coming all through the arm. I cup my left hand and tap up and down the right arm, realizing it fell so asleep it was completely numb as if with anesthesia. A minute later I start to open and close the right hand fingers. They can move again.

My heart slows down. I lie back down in the dark room, listening to the sound of my sweetheart breathing deeply next to me in the soft bed.

All is entirely well. It was here, then over so quickly.

But I still think about it in the morning when I awaken again at the “normal” time (this time without any adrenaline).

What was so alarming for the body? It was almost like there was no thought, only pure panic.

Yet, there was a thought. There WAS a belief.

There had to be, to have such a feeling of terror for a split second.

The mind is exceptionally quick. It takes in the situation and responds instantly, almost simultaneously, the minute it’s conscious of what’s actually happening…..when it believes the thing happening is a THREAT.

EMERGENCY! ARM IS DYING!

I had to chuckle.

Because it reminded me of doing The Work on death and dying.

I know it’s kind of dramatic–from numb arm to death–but that’s what the brain seemed to conclude. Survival mechanism kicked in. Red blinking lights and loud sirens! WAKE UP!

Now, I didn’t keep thinking of that fearful moment (it wasn’t frightening within seconds) and replaying the experience. It wasn’t pleasant, but the required function of yelling at the body to move, so it stayed alive, kicked in on auto-pilot. It’s what the body-mind does.

In my daily work….once it was the light of day….that arm situation offered some brilliant awareness of scary thoughts about being on the edge, thinking of dying, being aware of one more day today, and the miracle it’s even here.

Aware that I may not have another day tomorrow, and today could be the last.

There will be a last day, for everyone, including me.

Death is….frightening, mysterious and unknown, definite, sad, disturbing.

Shall we do The Work? On such a profound topic as death?

Ahhhh, yes. In many ways, every piece of work is about death, but for now, let’s inquire.

Is it true that death is frightening, disturbing?

I have absolutely no idea.

Most people don’t.

Not true.

How do I react when I believe death is frightening, disturbing…or sad?

I whimper. I associate heart-racing nighttime panic with fear of death, even though now that I’m inquiring about death, I have no idea what to even be afraid of.

With the thought of death as disturbing, I’m sad, wondering how long I’ll be here on planet earth? Wondering if I’ll die first or she will or he will, or what my deathbed will look like? Will I know before it happens, or will it be a surprise? (LOL).

Mind picks at it, wanting answers and throwing out ideas, but nothing is known, or certain. Except in the present moment, a feeling of disturbance and mystery and sadness, or worry.

So who would I be without the thought that death is disturbing, frightening, worrisome, sad, a concern?

Even in that moment when I wake up with my heart beating out of my chest for some weird reason because my arm died….

….without the belief death is frightening or something to be upset about….

….I find a sense of humor come forth.

I notice the velvetty beauty of a dark midnight awakeness, and silence, and the little sounds in the house, and the mechanism that wakes someone up physically to readjust an arm.

I notice not being so afraid of the pulse of energy in the body, and everything settles quickly down again, and I return to sleep.

Something alive and well, waking the sleeping mind up, if the need arises.

Without the thought of death being disturbing, then “close calls” can happen, or near misses, or little visitations about death, or illness, injury, sudden change, disease….and even these are not so distressing (or maybe waaaaay less disturbing, even curious) when death isn’t something to be concerned about.

Without death as a worry, I might notice the question “am I dying?” and the answer “nope, not today” while still being wisely aware that one day it WILL be the day. Always getting closer.

Turning the thought around: Death is NOT frightening, sad, disturbing. Death is beautiful, safe, joyful.

Could this be just as true?

Well of course it could.

“The Work is wonderful, because it leaves you with the real thing, beyond all answers. It leaves you with no concepts of who you should be. There are no models, no ideals; the goal isn’t to be wise or spiritual. You just notice what is…..If someone comes toward you with a gun and says he’s going to kill you and you’re scared, go ahead and run. That’s no less spiritual than any other reaction. But if you don’t have a belief about it, you’re free. You can run or stay–it doesn’t matter, because whatever you do, you’re at peace. Oh, you might think, he thinks he’s going to kill me. You could just as well be filing your nails. That’s freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

This Thursday at 1 pm PT I’ll be over on Facebook WorkWithGrace page live talking about fear, of just about anything. Your questions are welcome so reply to this email and let me know what you’d like to ask about fear. No question to large, or too small, for this work.

Much love,

Grace

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Waking up to reality: love doesn’t mean saying yes

Have you ever been super scared of someone?

Sure, most of us have had that feeling or experience.

Someone did something, or appeared dangerous. Someone freaked us out in the past.

We feel stress, so we think “I need to do The Work on that person” and we do The Work on them…..and maybe feel lighter, more comfortable, and more aware of all that went down back then in that relationship.

But then what?

Should you call them up and explain your insights? Should you reconnect and share your part?

What if you’re not all that excited about getting together with that ex, or what if it’s not really appropriate to make contact, or what if they did something so crazy and confusing it would be weird or risky for you?

I had someone very, very close to me once make an anonymous secretive false legal complaint about me, reporting me to my state Department of Health.

It was magnificent for The Work. Such stress, pain, betrayal, fear, shock, worry.

As I questioned my mind, I understood she was doing the best she could with the information she had. It was so shocking, I never guessed it was her until several puzzle pieces came together and I practically gasped out loud and put my hand over my mouth when I realized who had done it.

I went deeply into The Work.

After working many of my thoughts like “she’s insane, she’s mentally ill, she betrayed me, she hurt me, she is dangerous” and many more…..

….I could see with crystal clarity that it was no one’s fault, and what a strange way for life to unfold, but not so bad truly. I learned so much, and came out better after the whole affair than before I went in. The whole thing was dismissed as it should have been, and nothing more was required.

But I had a letter prepared to send, even before it was all over.

Something felt off, though, as I read and re-read what I wrote.

I sent the letter to two of my closest friends, and my mother. And then, an important mentor I consulted about the situation said “do not contact her, this is not someone to approach, and there’s no reason to do so.”

I just knew he was right. And I still had one important leftover, raw, burdensome belief to question, underneath the anger and confusion towards this woman:

I need her to love me again.

It’s like some part of me just hated a person being out there thinking poorly of me.

Very sneaky little ego-ish thought.

Because, is it true? Do I need everyone to love me?

No.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

I reach out, I act very very kind or nice in an effort to manipulate someone’s perception of me, I bend over backwards, I twist myself into a pretzel, I pretend I care, I pretend I’m more loving than I actually am.

I write amends letters that aren’t genuine and shouldn’t be sent, trying to find resolve and forgiveness through begging, sharing, praising. I am not detached from the outcome.

Who would I be without this story, that she needs to love me again, and I could make that happen?

Phew. So relieved.

Knowing I will be open if she ever contacts me. Remembering and finding examples of how much I loved her, and our time together, and finding even now respect for her courage and passion to set that whole process in motion.

Turning the belief around: I do not need her love. I need my own, for myself, for the world and for reality (which included a friend sending a legal complaint). I really do see how safe I was the entire time, and supported, and encouraged like a little bird getting pushed out of the nest to grow. For this, I am actually grateful to that friend. Amazing.

Turning it around again: she needs my love. I see how true that was, when we were friends. I withheld, I wasn’t completely honest, I put the brakes on meeting times with my extreme introversion. It wasn’t the best match in the world for friendship.

Maybe I’ll send a letter, it feels like it’s getting closer to being a very clear, sincere act of integrity without an underlying need for love—but for now the greatest right action in this situation is peace and quiet.

“Let’s say I do The Work on someone, and then I’m invited by [them] and it’s authentic. I read the invitation and I feel the love for them…but if I know I don’t want to be with them, I say no. I have a right to live my life more productively than with people I don’t want to be with. I just simply prefer vanilla over chocolate. I’m so clear with it. No guilt. I feel a connection with the people in my world. But I’m free to say yes-no-yes-yes-no. I answer out of my own authentic experience. I’m clear.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Will your eating cause disease or early death? Are you sure?

Lack of eating peace comes along with more places than trying to be thin, have you noticed?

Sometimes, people experience great stress with eating that has nothing to do with thinness….but instead contains anxiety about perfect health, or longevity, or cancer prevention.

It’s no way to live, with such stress about certain foods, and the dictate to eat broccoli constantly, so you’re safe, and healthy!

(Although I do love broccoli, but let’s not get carried away).

Today, I offer you an interesting exercise that you might think is taking things a little too far: looking at the worst that could happen.

What is it (in your opinion)?

What are you most afraid of?

What pictures come to mind when you believe you need to prevent that future dreadful image of The Worst?

Watch here, and let me know how it goes to see who you’d be without your stressful story of eating and health.

By the way, I mention a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in this video. You can download one for yourself right HERE.

Much love, Grace

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How do you know you really don’t need more money?

I love when people ask me to write about topics.

Someone recently asked if I could write about abundance, money and prosperity.

My favorite!

The thing is, it’s such a gigantic topic, fraught with peaks and valleys and swamps and dark forests, and wide open vistas….

….who knows where to begin?

Except, you do.

First, you can begin by writing down, almost in list form (in other words, you don’t need a lot of details), what you dislike about money, or what people do with it.

Then….get personal.

In relationship to ME, what do I find disturbing about money? Where don’t I feel prosperous? Where don’t I feel abundant, thriving, unfettered?

This can be in the past, or in the present (or even in the future, for that matter).

Then notice the simple, stressful thoughts arise:

  • I need more money

 

  • I should have more money
  • I want extra money
  • I want money enough to live here, go there, do this, buy that
  • he/she should give me money
  • I don’t want to work for money (or do x for money)
  • I HAVE TO do “x” because I need the money

It can feel like being in a prison camp.

That’s what a lovely inquirer shared with me recently, when it came to her job. She felt stuck, forced, and at her wit’s end. They wanted her to do certain things she hated doing. Ugh.

How do you react when you think you need the money, and it’s not here?

You do things you hate.

When I believed I needed more money, I felt such anxiety, I couldn’t sleep. I watched my bank account drain, without a job. I frantically applied for work, I went to interviews, I felt desperate.

But I also did The Work. I relaxed in between panic-stricken moments. I did the best I could, and then remembered, over and over again, that this was going to go as it did….that I was not personally in charge.

What I WAS in charge of, was my thinking. I could panic about my bank account draining, or I could do The Work.

Who would you be without the thought you need more money?

Any kind of more money, whether a little, or a lot? Even just a little more for that thing you’ve always wanted? Or enough extra to attend the School or a program you’ve always longed for?

Who would you be without the belief you need more money to do that, money that isn’t here?

Are you sure?

Woah.

You mean, if I think of something really amazing that I’d love to do, have, see, participate in….and it costs money….I do NOT need more money in order to do it?

Could that be just as true, or truer?

Isn’t that a little more fun, to imagine ways to find it, obtain it, move towards it? Do you have all the facts? Have you asked for support, or information? How could you get that money you believe you want, or need? And are you sure you even really need to do that thing? LOL.

Who would you be without your story that NOW you need more money to drop on your head, this instant (the mind gets so impatient, doesn’t it)?

What if you turned all your thoughts around, about money?

  • money needs more of me (come out, come out, and play says money!)
  • money should have more of me (have you been hiding something?)
  • money wants extra of me (yes, bring out your gifts!)
  • I already have money enough to live here, go there, do this, buy that and, I don’t need money to do any of those things
  • I should give myself money, and they shouldn’t give me any (unless they do). I should give THEM money (that sounds kind, I love giving)
  • I WANT to work for money, it’s exciting! Work is play, I’ll play for money, and I sure don’t want to lie on the floor all day doing nothing–I like activity
  • I don’t HAVE to do anything, because I don’t need the money I can choose.
The thing I notice? This is a choice. I’m not a victim here. I’ve always been OK, never lying on the street with nothing. It’s only always been in my mind that I’ve been a victim.
Not in reality.
I notice the turnaround is truer, so much truer: I have everything I need. My life is full of abundance, love, people, kindness, sharing, support, shelter and food and clothing, adventure in the mind.
Not having much money, or enough to do those other things….
….best experience ever. 
Being at peace and feeling the security and love in my own heart, right where I am, no matter where I am. It was unbelievable to not have any money. An incredible scary part of the adventure, and amazing to see where it went. No money was required. I lived.
Any extra money, is only a bonus of icing on the cake of life. I LOVE knowing I don’t need any more money. (And sometimes I forget and start imagining I do, but that’s OK little mind, it likes to make up stories).
“How do I know I don’t need money? It’s gone.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Behind the projector…our judgments of those neighbors

Everyone in the Institute for The Work: I’m about to teach Basics, a 5 week pre-requisite for telecourses at the Institute. Enroll quick, we begin on Monday at 4 pm PT. Sign up here.

And if you’re not in the Institute for The Work (training to be Certified Facilitator)…..FEAR NOT!

I’ll be offering a two hour course online soon, on filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, which is really what this Basics class is all about.

Isn’t this amazing that five whole weeks, 90 minutes each class, is dedicated to deeply learning how to fill out a JYN? It’s only the first, primary step of The Work, but as a first step, it’s so important.

Filling out the JYN is the way you identify your stressful thoughts.

Sometimes, you feel disturbed and awkward filling it out. It’s asking a lot. It’s asking you to be absolutely fundamentally honest about what mean, critical, angry, frightened or sad thoughts you had about a situation in your life.

We’re usually taught to do the very opposite!

I was told Not to say what I was really thinking, to hide my rude comments or judgments, to keep them to myself. When I heard things said about me that sounded judgmental, I was hurt and troubled.

This hurt feeling PROVED you should keep critical or judgey thoughts to yourself. They make people feel bad. Who wants to know what you’re thinking? Not me! I won’t tell you what I really think, either, and we’ll all be happy!

But. Suppressing and hiding thoughts don’t make them go away, unfortunately.

In fact, they often make them fester and grow. They turn into resentments, desperation, and addictive behavior.

So getting your judgements out onto paper, in writing, is a magnificent even if quite scary thing.

But it’s sooooo worth it. Because once you have everything written out in the open, you’ve got some amazing concepts to work with and take through this profound process called The Work.

There’s nothing like writing it down, slowing it down, going through each step one-by-one….not doing The Work in your head or trying to find shortcuts.

So today, if you’re concerned, anxious, furious or hurt by anyone in your life….first step?

Fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and DON’T HOLD BACK. Be blunt, direct, say it like it really is on the inside of your head. Be childish, petty, ridiculous, nasty, vicious. Dump it out. Download it through your pen onto paper.

Be real.

You will NOT get stuck there with a fuming, exploding JYN on your hands, because the next steps are to answer four questions and find turnarounds on each and every concept you write down.

Which leads to insights, ah-ha’s, awareness, possibility, freedom, clarity, rest, peace, neutrality, a lighter experience of something that seemed so very serious:

Imagining who you’d be without this story.

Heaven on earth.

“Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love….If you begin by pointing the finger of blame outward, then the focus isn’t on you. You can just let loose and be uncensored. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

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When I Say Yes, When I Say No…..Love In Question

Love, attraction, romance.

It all sounds lovely, but it sure does often bring up angst, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, rage and fear. Just a few stressful feelings!

Recently two different inquirers did The Work on opposite sides of the same coin. Both of these lovely inquirers felt unhappy and unresolved when it came to a romantic relationship they cared about.

One side of the coin: Say yes to what your partner wants. Be agreeable. If your partner asks you for something or begs you to stay….you stay. And you feel massively stuck and frustrated.

Other side of the coin: Shut that partner down. Ditch them. Leave them in the dust. Say no to what they want. And feel massively sorry, guilty and worried.

Neither option feels good, and maybe not even right.

So how do you work with this dratted “relationship” coin that has two options, and neither option feels relaxed or loving or peaceful?

The thing that will bring the most relief, and clarity?

The Work.

Situation one: You say yes. You feel compliant and like you’ve made your partner happy. But you lied, because you meant No.

What would be the worst that could happen in this situation, if you had said “no”? See the worst image (maybe it already happened in the past) and write a worksheet on that situation.

In the case of the inquirer I was facilitating, her fears were that her partner would freak out, demand long conversations, beg, manipulate, cajole, stalk.That dreadful thought….I have no choice. I have to say yes, otherwise, horror.

And what about the other situation number two: She said no, and felt furious.

What’s the worst that could happen, if she had said “yes”? She would have felt disrespected. She felt her boundaries were violated. He wasn’t safe, because he pushed. He asked too much.

Many of us have experienced BOTH of these scenarios, and felt distraught about it.

But who would we be without the stories that we might wind up somewhere dangerous, if we said yes or said no?

Wait….WHAT???!!!

I thought saying yes = avoiding pain, sorrow, guilt, conflict.

I thought saying no = keeping safe, not giving in, maintaining clear boundaries.

In relationship and romance stories, we have many ideas about what yes or no mean about love. If you care about me, you’ll say YES. If you say NO, you don’t care.

Uh, hmmmm, is that actually true?

How do you react when you think someone’s request…and your answer….means you’re loved, or not, or they’re loved, or not?

It’s easy to see with parent-child relationships. If my kids were super upset or sad about not getting something in the past before I had The Work, I’d feel torment inside, and maybe change my mind about my NO.

Thank God for The Work entering my life when they were quite young. I started saying NO and YES with so much more clarity, and it had nothing to do with whether I loved them or not–and we all knew it.

Who would you be without the belief you have to be careful with your YES, careful with your NO….and that these answers within have anything to do with love?

WOWSER!

You mean….I can simply feel what’s right for me, and either stay or go, in any situation, in any moment, with any request?

Yes.

Even if a person is saying they’ll DIE without you by their side, you can love them so much, and say “no” to their request.

Even if a person is saying you HAVE TO do it their way and you won’t or can’t, you can love them so much while saying “no” to their request.

Turning this around: I will NOT wind up somewhere dangerous, if I say YES, or if I say NO.

Could this be just as true, or truer, that I’m free to speak what feels most deeply honest in the moment, with any request set before me?

“I don’t walk around being careful about what I say. I stop for myself. I am responsible for my own heaven or hell. On the other hand, if you ask me point-blank for the truth, then I’m going to tell you. I want to give you everything I see, if you ask. The way you hear my answer is what determines whether it hurts you or helps you. So every person is responsible for himself, in the giving and receiving. I could say the most loving thing, and someone’s feelings could be hurt. The story they tell about what they think I said is how they hurt their own feelings. Nothing else is possible. If I ask you a question point-blank and you dance around it, thinking your truth will hurt me, then you’re not honoring yourself or me. To not answer honestly could leave you feeling incomplete. Can you really know that you can hurt or disappoint another person with your words?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Phew, it’s almost inconceivable.

I thought people’s words, and my words, could hurt and disappoint like crazy.

But I realize, that’s only when I think my words, my YES or my NO, have something to do with inherently loving that other person, or feeling love for myself.

The love is here, however, no matter what. Yes or No are just honest answers, matching an inner sense of truth in the moment. They even sometimes change and a YES becomes a NO, or vice versa.

Love doesn’t change. It doesn’t need someone to stay, or leave. It doesn’t need something to change, or stay the same.

I don’t need to say yes (or no) to love either that other person, or myself.

Love is here now. And now.

“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation [or relationship] but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

So let’s question our unhappy thoughts.

Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the worst situation you ever had with that person when they didn’t like your answer, or you didn’t like theirs.

Take the thoughts through the four questions.

Now that’s something to say YES to.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. three commuter spots available for Spring Cleaning Retreat. Stay nearby in your own cozy AirBnB or hotel room, or commute from your home. May 11-14. Let’s do The Work.

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Two weekend workshops + the peace of dropping your schemes

Two quick announcements for this wonderful welcoming spring weekend:

1) East West Bookstore The Work with Grace on Body, Eating, Compulsion 6407 – 12th Avenue NE in Seattle, Washington on Saturday 3-6 pm March 18 (that’s tomorrow) for only $25! Come learn the three biggest underlying beliefs people have that keep them battling with food, eating or their body image and weight….and how to address these very deep beliefs with The Work of Byron Katie.

Anyone is welcome who is interested in addressing mindset, thought, awareness and the psychology of eating or compulsion. This work will actually apply to anyone battling an addictive process, including other substances or behaviors. We’ll be going into the root of the compulsive experience, so please join if you’re curious about freedom from obsessive thinking that leads to compulsion of any kind.

What we will NOT be covering is diet, fitness, nutrition or exercise. This is working from the inside out.

Everyone will get to identify where they sabotage their own desires, efforts and “goals” for eating peacefully, and see what’s really happening in those moments that prevent eating peace.

You’ll then get to do The Work, questioning your negative or stressful beliefs, that lead you to move with confusion or frustration around eating or weight. Everyone will leave with the next steps, so you’ll know how to keep questioning and relaxing your thoughts in your daily life.

Beginners are welcome, but it’s great if you know what The Work of Byron Katie is, so look it up on youtube or at www.thework.com and it really helps to read the Little Book (condensed version of Loving What Is, the manual for doing The Work) by Byron Katie.

2) Living Turnarounds Private Group. Sunday, March 19th we’ll be meeting again from 3-6 pm. This group is limited to 8 participants and everyone should be familiar with The Work to at least an Advanced Beginner level. We get to deep dive into one powerful worksheet on a situation in our lives we want to learn from, take it to inquiry, and share in insights with others.

Always a profound opportunity to share, connect, hear from others, and collaborate in understanding how to take our personal work to out into our lives. We spend some beautiful time considering how we’ll live our turnarounds, if we need to make amends (including to ourselves) and understanding how we want to really feel in our bodies, in our lives, in our relationship in the one area we “work” for this mini-retreat.

Living Turnarounds Group meets at Goldilocks Cottage (Grace’s home) in northeast Seattle ($65). Please send a note to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’ve never attended before and would like to join us. Room for 3 more people this month.

Much love,

Grace

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What if you dropped the thought you need to lose weight (GASP)!?

If you live far away or can’t attend this in-person workshop, I’ve had lots of requests for an online mini-retreat in Eating Peace. These are generally a modest fee, and 3 hours online (audio only). If you’ve never done something online for 3 hours….you’ll probably be amazed at how the time flies. You can set it up for yourself from your own home and create uninterrupted time for yourself.

I’m taking a poll for your favorite option. Head HERE if you’d like to vote.

One of the biggest, grandest, big-behemoth stressful thoughts that lead to stressful eating?

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!

This can be a constant thought, returning every time you gain weight or are at your “highest” weight or on the upside of the roller coaster ride, or when you see yourself in the mirror randomly and you normally don’t even think this thought.

It’s very stressful.

The thing is, we think we NEED this thought in order to be inspired or motivated to be thin. We think we have to be aggressive and intense with our minds.

How could we possibly give up this thought? How could we give up the thought we need to fix something, anything…whether weight or some kind of behavior around health and the body. I need to exercise, I need to eat healthy, I need to read every label, I need to do it right, I absolutely must appear “thin”.

It’s true! It’s true!

But what if you allowed that thought to settle down a moment and you didn’t have it?

What many people find, is a little more to look at.

Wow…what if I gave this up? Then what? I notice I still want to be more balanced, more peaceful with eating and food and this body.

What if it’s my thinking that needs to lose weight….especially about this whole weight loss thing?

If I had taken weight loss and thinness less seriously when I was 8 years old (the first time I was alarmed that I might be too fat) I might not have even moved in the direction I moved.

I may not have even developed an eating disorder or a yo-yo eating plan, or starvation vs stuffed. Although, I am now incredibly and deeply grateful for having that disorder because it was so extreme, it brought me to my knees which ultimately was an incredible give of letting go of control.

What a painful story it is to need to lose weight….but if you find yourself thinking it, you might begin to wonder why you have it so strongly?

What would you have, if you had this lower weight? What would it give you? What is your identity saying is required, for happiness?

If you were given the choice to have peaceful, simple, beautiful, loving eating for the rest of your life….with zero weight loss….would you take it?

If you say “no” then you might want to dig a little deeper into why you believe you need to keep this suffering. Just saying.

Much love, Grace