Have you ever been super scared of someone?
Sure, most of us have had that feeling or experience.
Someone did something, or appeared dangerous. Someone freaked us out in the past.
We feel stress, so we think “I need to do The Work on that person” and we do The Work on them…..and maybe feel lighter, more comfortable, and more aware of all that went down back then in that relationship.
But then what?
Should you call them up and explain your insights? Should you reconnect and share your part?
What if you’re not all that excited about getting together with that ex, or what if it’s not really appropriate to make contact, or what if they did something so crazy and confusing it would be weird or risky for you?
I had someone very, very close to me once make an anonymous secretive false legal complaint about me, reporting me to my state Department of Health.
It was magnificent for The Work. Such stress, pain, betrayal, fear, shock, worry.
As I questioned my mind, I understood she was doing the best she could with the information she had. It was so shocking, I never guessed it was her until several puzzle pieces came together and I practically gasped out loud and put my hand over my mouth when I realized who had done it.
I went deeply into The Work.
After working many of my thoughts like “she’s insane, she’s mentally ill, she betrayed me, she hurt me, she is dangerous” and many more…..
….I could see with crystal clarity that it was no one’s fault, and what a strange way for life to unfold, but not so bad truly. I learned so much, and came out better after the whole affair than before I went in. The whole thing was dismissed as it should have been, and nothing more was required.
But I had a letter prepared to send, even before it was all over.
Something felt off, though, as I read and re-read what I wrote.
I sent the letter to two of my closest friends, and my mother. And then, an important mentor I consulted about the situation said “do not contact her, this is not someone to approach, and there’s no reason to do so.”
I just knew he was right. And I still had one important leftover, raw, burdensome belief to question, underneath the anger and confusion towards this woman:
I need her to love me again.
It’s like some part of me just hated a person being out there thinking poorly of me.
Very sneaky little ego-ish thought.
Because, is it true? Do I need everyone to love me?
No.
How do I react when I believe that thought?
I reach out, I act very very kind or nice in an effort to manipulate someone’s perception of me, I bend over backwards, I twist myself into a pretzel, I pretend I care, I pretend I’m more loving than I actually am.
I write amends letters that aren’t genuine and shouldn’t be sent, trying to find resolve and forgiveness through begging, sharing, praising. I am not detached from the outcome.
Who would I be without this story, that she needs to love me again, and I could make that happen?
Phew. So relieved.
Knowing I will be open if she ever contacts me. Remembering and finding examples of how much I loved her, and our time together, and finding even now respect for her courage and passion to set that whole process in motion.
Turning the belief around: I do not need her love. I need my own, for myself, for the world and for reality (which included a friend sending a legal complaint). I really do see how safe I was the entire time, and supported, and encouraged like a little bird getting pushed out of the nest to grow. For this, I am actually grateful to that friend. Amazing.
Turning it around again: she needs my love. I see how true that was, when we were friends. I withheld, I wasn’t completely honest, I put the brakes on meeting times with my extreme introversion. It wasn’t the best match in the world for friendship.
Maybe I’ll send a letter, it feels like it’s getting closer to being a very clear, sincere act of integrity without an underlying need for love—but for now the greatest right action in this situation is peace and quiet.
“Let’s say I do The Work on someone, and then I’m invited by [them] and it’s authentic. I read the invitation and I feel the love for them…but if I know I don’t want to be with them, I say no. I have a right to live my life more productively than with people I don’t want to be with. I just simply prefer vanilla over chocolate. I’m so clear with it. No guilt. I feel a connection with the people in my world. But I’m free to say yes-no-yes-yes-no. I answer out of my own authentic experience. I’m clear.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love,
Grace