I jolt up in bed in the middle of the night, heart racing and adrenaline pumping through my whole body.
I can’t feel my entire right arm.
It feels like it’s dead, no sensation, like a hunk of meat or someone else’s arm.
A minute after sitting up, looking into the dark room gathering my bearings, I feel pins and needles coming all through the arm. I cup my left hand and tap up and down the right arm, realizing it fell so asleep it was completely numb as if with anesthesia. A minute later I start to open and close the right hand fingers. They can move again.
My heart slows down. I lie back down in the dark room, listening to the sound of my sweetheart breathing deeply next to me in the soft bed.
All is entirely well. It was here, then over so quickly.
But I still think about it in the morning when I awaken again at the “normal” time (this time without any adrenaline).
What was so alarming for the body? It was almost like there was no thought, only pure panic.
Yet, there was a thought. There WAS a belief.
There had to be, to have such a feeling of terror for a split second.
The mind is exceptionally quick. It takes in the situation and responds instantly, almost simultaneously, the minute it’s conscious of what’s actually happening…..when it believes the thing happening is a THREAT.
EMERGENCY! ARM IS DYING!
I had to chuckle.
Because it reminded me of doing The Work on death and dying.
I know it’s kind of dramatic–from numb arm to death–but that’s what the brain seemed to conclude. Survival mechanism kicked in. Red blinking lights and loud sirens! WAKE UP!
Now, I didn’t keep thinking of that fearful moment (it wasn’t frightening within seconds) and replaying the experience. It wasn’t pleasant, but the required function of yelling at the body to move, so it stayed alive, kicked in on auto-pilot. It’s what the body-mind does.
In my daily work….once it was the light of day….that arm situation offered some brilliant awareness of scary thoughts about being on the edge, thinking of dying, being aware of one more day today, and the miracle it’s even here.
Aware that I may not have another day tomorrow, and today could be the last.
There will be a last day, for everyone, including me.
Death is….frightening, mysterious and unknown, definite, sad, disturbing.
Shall we do The Work? On such a profound topic as death?
Ahhhh, yes. In many ways, every piece of work is about death, but for now, let’s inquire.
Is it true that death is frightening, disturbing?
I have absolutely no idea.
Most people don’t.
Not true.
How do I react when I believe death is frightening, disturbing…or sad?
I whimper. I associate heart-racing nighttime panic with fear of death, even though now that I’m inquiring about death, I have no idea what to even be afraid of.
With the thought of death as disturbing, I’m sad, wondering how long I’ll be here on planet earth? Wondering if I’ll die first or she will or he will, or what my deathbed will look like? Will I know before it happens, or will it be a surprise? (LOL).
Mind picks at it, wanting answers and throwing out ideas, but nothing is known, or certain. Except in the present moment, a feeling of disturbance and mystery and sadness, or worry.
So who would I be without the thought that death is disturbing, frightening, worrisome, sad, a concern?
Even in that moment when I wake up with my heart beating out of my chest for some weird reason because my arm died….
….without the belief death is frightening or something to be upset about….
….I find a sense of humor come forth.
I notice the velvetty beauty of a dark midnight awakeness, and silence, and the little sounds in the house, and the mechanism that wakes someone up physically to readjust an arm.
I notice not being so afraid of the pulse of energy in the body, and everything settles quickly down again, and I return to sleep.
Something alive and well, waking the sleeping mind up, if the need arises.
Without the thought of death being disturbing, then “close calls” can happen, or near misses, or little visitations about death, or illness, injury, sudden change, disease….and even these are not so distressing (or maybe waaaaay less disturbing, even curious) when death isn’t something to be concerned about.
Without death as a worry, I might notice the question “am I dying?” and the answer “nope, not today” while still being wisely aware that one day it WILL be the day. Always getting closer.
Turning the thought around: Death is NOT frightening, sad, disturbing. Death is beautiful, safe, joyful.
Could this be just as true?
Well of course it could.
“The Work is wonderful, because it leaves you with the real thing, beyond all answers. It leaves you with no concepts of who you should be. There are no models, no ideals; the goal isn’t to be wise or spiritual. You just notice what is…..If someone comes toward you with a gun and says he’s going to kill you and you’re scared, go ahead and run. That’s no less spiritual than any other reaction. But if you don’t have a belief about it, you’re free. You can run or stay–it doesn’t matter, because whatever you do, you’re at peace. Oh, you might think, he thinks he’s going to kill me. You could just as well be filing your nails. That’s freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
This Thursday at 1 pm PT I’ll be over on Facebook WorkWithGrace page live talking about fear, of just about anything. Your questions are welcome so reply to this email and let me know what you’d like to ask about fear. No question to large, or too small, for this work.
Much love,
Grace