Month: February 2013

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I Hate Those Complainers

Only nine days until the Pain, Sickness and Death 6-week teleclass starts on 3/7. If you would love signing up for this class if it started at 5:15 pm Pacific time on Thursdays, instead of 6:15 pm PT, running for 90 minutes, then write me at grace@workwithgrace.com. I ask because I’ve had several inquiries for an earlier time. There’s only room for 3 more participants.

If you’d like to read more about the Pain class, click here.

Physical maladies, trauma, injury or threats produce a great deal of painful thinking in the human experience.

I was working with a sweet client who has had a chronic pain from a back injury for several years.

She said to me “I have so many complaints.” Her discouragement was deep. The list seemed long and overwhelming.

The very definition of “complaint” in Webster’s dictionary is “an expression of grief, pain, or dissatisfaction”. Complaining can happen silently, to oneself, or out in the open to people around us.

Byron Katie offers a great exercise to root out complaining, see its cause, investigate it. She says you can write out a list, just let yourself go nuts, with the prompt “I complain about____ because____.”

Don’t worry about how long the list is or how ridiculous your complaints actually are. There is nothing wrong with this Complaining Voice. You are giving it a voice so that you can look more closely.

  • I complain about clutter in my house because it looks ugly, I want it to go away
  • I complain about my left leg hurting because I want to stop sitting in that chair and stop working at the computer and I want it to stop hurting
  • I complain about my dry skin because I always need lotion to soothe it and I want someone to get me some lotion
  • I complain about the dishes being undone because I want someone else to do them
  • I complain about those other annoying complainers because they bring me down

In fact, my biggest, most repetitive complaint has been about other people who complain.

Caught in the act!

It is absolutely fascinating to see why I think there is a need to complain, to express grief, pain or dissatisfaction with this situation or person, with what I am hearing.

I want those complainers to shut up! Stop their talking on and on about negativity!

And why do I want it to end? Seriously? What is the actual problem? Why do I think their complaints “bring me down”?

Well…that complaining person wants me, or someone, obviously, to do something about their complaint! They want me to fix their disturbance. They are unhappy. I SHOULD HELP THEM.

Is that true? Are they really unhappy and wanting me to help? Am I as sure, as they are, that they can’t do it themselves?

“You think if you complain enough, something magical is going to happen….Any time you complain, notice what you want us to do. “~Byron Katie 

It’s as if I believe that if I say what I don’t like (complain) enough then I will eventually get what I want. Someone will do the dishes, someone will straighten up the house, someone will stop telling me their irritating complaints!

The wonderful Marshall Rosenburg, founder of non-violent communication, suggests that people learn to make direct requests, instead of complain. He says that it works so much better when we recognize that we need something, and then ask for what we need!

Do I really need those complainers to quit complaining? Can I make a specific direct request to someone, can I tell them the truth, can I have a genuine conversation?

I could say something like this; “when you are complaining, I feel sad because I think you want me to fix it, or God to fix it. You sound powerless, instead of the strong person I know you to be. You sound like you won’t ever be happy, and you feel helpless, and I know that’s a hard place to be. I love you.”

And then….they can get excited about what you’ve said, or not.

“When another person suffers, there’s nothing I can do about that, except maybe to put my arms around them or bring them a cup of tea and let them know that I’m totally available. But that’s where it must end. The rest is up to them. And because I made it through, I know that they can do it. I am NOT special.”~Byron Katie

I discovered that the real reason I’ve complained about other people complaining is that I want them to be happy and powerful. Because if they are happy and powerful, then I don’t have to try to help them. I can be free to be happy and powerful myself.

I can only be happy if they are happy, and so I have to try to help them get happy….is it true?

Wow! I can be happy even if other people are complaining? I don’t HAVE to help them? Even someone very close to me?

“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart.”~Tao Te Ching #35

If you’d like to zoom in on your deepest complaints, how to be around pain whether yours or others, and your feelings about the biggie….death….come join the six-week teleclass starting next week.

Love, Grace

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I Did Something Wrong

I did something wrong.

Isn’t that a nasty little aggravating, or life-crushing gruesome thought?

When humans believe that they did something wrong….it can be devastating in a huge variety of ways.

Some people react to this thought with anxiety, some with defense, some with attack.

The anxious reactor feels they did something wrong and adrenaline shoots through their system. They immediately begin trying to repair the wrong with a new right. Apologizing compulsively.

Please forgive me, I’ll do it better from now on. I didn’t mean it.

It doesn’t matter whether or not it’s true, the goal is to make others feel better and love me again!

People with anxiety sometimes can’t sleep, trying to sort out how this could have happened, where they made their “mistake”. Guilt is a predominant thought. Must fix it NOW, I need to have that other person’s approval, I need to have my own approval. Emergency!

Then there is the person whose stressful reaction is defensive. He or she puts up a barrier, draws a line between themselves and that mean person who thinks they did something wrong. The greatest need seems to be to escape the presence of this other human. Go into hiding!

Again, it doesn’t matter whether this “wrong” is true or not, the forces must come in for protection. The Sea Anemone reaction.

And then there is the person who attacks in response to believing they did something wrong. This person might shout, explain, and hold whomever is accusing them of being wrong to be the guilty one. They might come off as “controlling” and angry, vicious, malicious, vindictive.

The attacker might bark “how dare you…!”

All of these are human ways of reacting to the fear that something wrong happened, and I was involved. Even if it’s clear I didn’t commit the crime, even by being accused there is danger.

We all may jump around in all kinds of reactivity, entering all zones and strategies for managing the emotional and mental discomfort.

Whew. As my friends used to joke in high school if any of us got a bad grade or didn’t win the race or got ignored by someone we liked…”that’s rough, girl”.

My favorite way to look at this kind of Big Reaction is to zoom into focus on that original painful belief. There might be several ways to write the belief, there might be extensions to the belief…but getting a core belief identified is an amazing opportunity for discovery.

I did something wrong.

Is it true? Are you sure?

What does “wrong” mean for you? Is it irreparable? Could you have done any better than you did at the time? Do you really need that other person’s approval? Are you sure you don’t have it?

Can you stand in what you did, which is now over by the way, and let it be? Is it OK that you’re human?

What would Martin Luther King, Jr, have done if he was worried about what other people would think when he spoke up, if that rose to the top of his concerns?

What if you did something right? Just perfectly right for that situation, at that time, in that circumstance? What if that experience can teach you…perhaps bring you into a place of love like no other you’ve ever known?

When I went to The School for The Work with Byron Katie in 2005 I identified my absolute worst thing I had ever done in my life: I had had an abortion.

I had such shame, grief, and desperate unhappiness about that experience I reacted every way I’ve described above. I was saying “I am so sorry” to the little unborn constantly, I would be reminded to say it when I saw my children, and many other circumstances. I would calculate how old the child would have been.

I wanted to hide it and never tell a soul for the rest of my life. I felt nauseated thinking about it.

I attacked the bill boards of the organizations that had anti-abortion slogans and felt anger and bitterness towards the groups who displayed them, and renewed sadness.

But when I looked deeply, the deepest I possibly could, given what I believed at the time, I found I could not know that I had done anything wrong.

I would have liked it to go differently, it caused such pain within. I would have liked to have known back then that I could question my own thoughts and give myself love.

I would have liked to have access to another way to do it (or so it seems), but I didn’t. That’s reality.

Are you really supposed to know more than you actually do right now? Are you sure that what you know is not enough in this moment?

“You can’t not be in grace. Everything about you is totally absolutely perfectly appropriate. All the things you think are wrong with you are absolutely right.” ~Tony Parsons

Back in 2005 at that school, I began to find turnarounds to this terrible thing that I had previously believed was wrong, that “I” had done.

I began to see the beauty in that movement, that experience going the way it did. There was great love present in that original “wrong” experience.

You can find it in the things you think you’ve done wrong, too.

Love, Grace

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We Have A Situation Here

When something happens in life that feels frightening, whether very small or very big, it’s amazing to watch the mind and body react.

The inner all-about-me mind will say that this is the most important thing to think about, this frightening situation. It will return to it over and over.

If the mind is NOT thinking about the troubling situation over and over, then some other voices may come in and say, “Hey! Pay attention! This is worrisome, you need to watch out!”

Its as if this all-about-me mind is a president sitting in a grand office, working on important things….and then OUT THERE in the regular world something threatening happens.

The president is busy, but the police force and other military officials come running and knock on the door and shout, “WE’VE GOT A SITUATION HERE!”.

And then all forces are enlisted to figure out how to handle this “situation”. The underlying assumption is that this situation needs to change, to go away, to adjust, to get resolved.

There are extremely painful situations, that seem to be agreed upon somehow in the human condition, that feel bad, terrible and important to avoid or fix…

Losing all our money, getting a terrible disease, getting physically hurt, someone close dying or leaving, our house burning down, not having enough of something, like love.

The Work is a way to question our assumptions about what happens in life. Every “situation” can be examined and investigated.

Just because I’m afraid, or upset, or sad, or angry, or disappointed….doesn’t mean it really is Bad. 

That’s quite an amazing first step, to stop, and ask Is it really true that this situation is wrong, or shouldn’t be happening, or is terrifying, or is permanent, or devastating, or dreadful?

The situation IS happening, but if we open to it happening, allow it to be as it is, then there might be a calmer response to it.

This doesn’t mean being passive, like swinging to the opposite of ATTACK-MODE and doing nothing. Calmness does not mean being mute, or extremely cautious.

Sometimes a bigger response is what is called for in a moment…with strength, love, and kindness.

If there was a toddler walking towards a huge freeway with cars speeding by, and any one of us saw the child, we would run (if we had legs) and call out (if we had a voice).

That would simply be the way of it. We would not say, “I am practicing allowing everything to be as it is, so I am going to lie here and do nothing”.

Recently I was thinking about leaders like Martin Luther King, Jr, Mahatma Gandhi, Aretha Franklin, Desmond Tutu, Byron Katie, Marshall Rosenburg…people who speak about what other new vision they have for difficult situations, an alternative to suffering.

I don’t like conflict much. I don’t like arguments with people, or shouting, or name-calling. I hardly ever have had situations that even look like this, I’ve avoided them.

The urge to withdraw or not speak up is very interesting, very subtle.

I find there are thoughts dancing about that make it more difficult to respond to a situation, to be truly honest. These are thoughts like:

  • that person will hate me if I say “no” or if I say what I think
  • if I don’t explain why I am saying “no” then she will get angry
  • if I speak up about this situation, to authority, to others, they will get mad
  • I should make people feel happy at all times, not upset
  • if I tell the truth for myself, as I see it, I will be rejected
  • people will think I’m stupid, mean, cold, immature, aggressive, mistaken
  • I will be shunned, left, abandoned
  • I better be NICE!

But after doing The Work on troubling situations, I find that my responses to new situations that arise are different.

I am not afraid of breaking the rules like “only say nice things”….because a deeper, more penetrating love comes alive, where I don’t have to constantly worry about if I said the wrong thing or that I MIGHT say the wrong thing.

I find the turnarounds coming alive from all these painful stressful beliefs about what nice-ness or kindness is supposed to look like.

  • if that person is upset when I say “no” everyone is still OK and this is an amazing opportunity
  • if someone is angry, it is safe, I am safe, no need to explain
  • if I speak up they will get excited
  • I can’t “make” anyone feel happy at all times
  • if I am rejected, all is still very well
  • people will think all kinds of things, and it’s their business
  • I will be loved, cared for, set free
  • I better be honest!

People come, people go, that’s the way of life. People certainly all won’t like what I am saying in every moment.

“…The path of the warrior is a lot more daring: you are cultivating a fearless heart, a heart that doesn’t close down in any circumstance; it is always totally open, so that you could be touched by anything.”~Pema Chodron

Today, after doing The Work and contemplating how I am so human when I feel afraid of other peoples’ reactions, I have such joyful energy towards those feisty, outspoken, action-oriented humans who have shown what its like to speak up.

Even if the words they speak are not favorable to me, how incredible to hear the honesty, the willingness to be courageous and SAY IT.

As I see beauty in ALL the people who speak…I see how it can be done with skill, with loving kindness, with trust….I can watch the great leaders and see how they did it.

“Know the male, yet keep to the female: receive the world in your arms. If you receive the world, the Tao will never leave you and you will be like a little child.”~Tao Te Ching #28 

Today, I’ve questioned my thinking about that difficult person and un-doing my beliefs, the president calls off the troops, the situation is really not that important.

We have a situation here? Not anymore.

Love, Grace

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Thank You Debbie Ford

When I look back over the past ten years when I first put a toe in the pool of inquiry, very tentatively, it seems like the whole idea hit me somewhat slowly.

I had Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is. In paperback (there was no rush to get it in hardback when it first appeared). Her book was in all the bookstores, and I heard about it from other people in the holistic health professions like me.

It’s as if during the course of reading the book, one night I had a dream and woke up and for an instant, for one-one-hundredth of a hair, I thought I was in another unusual place.

Then I realized I was still in my own familiar bedroom, and as my day unfolded I forgot about it, mostly.

Every time I came back for another chapter I got more intrigued.

I would think “Really? She can’t be saying….no, that can’t be possible to question THAT…oh gosh, I think I’ve been believing a bunch of stuff this WHOLE TIME (my whole life) that may not be true…But no, not that, too…”

It was like a seesaw of deep doubt and incredible fascination.

In the course of the next few “early” years my life exploded into finding other authors and teachers. A huge expansion of awareness…and confusion.

My first crisis after meeting The Work, that I’ve shared before with you all, was my primary relationship falling apart.

It felt like I was falling down a gigantic black hole. I had a dream that I was Alice In Wonderland at the time, but a little more creepy.

Fear around many turns and twists. My mind full of images and panic, or its own personal army.

And also at that time…just the right dose of sane.

Someone would say a little sentence that was filled with love and trust.  I got facilitated in The Work every single week on Monday mornings by a dear fellow-journeyer on the path, and I facilitated her back. We did that religiously for two years.

I had three other powerful friends who also facilitated me. They seemed to be available right when I was having an “emergency” of painful feelings.

My top beliefs: I am abandoned, I am betrayed.

Every time they perked up, I would do The Work. It’s what I had found that “worked” the best for my speedy rabbit mind.

Right in the middle of that time, someone said “there is someone called Debbie Ford who has the perspective of turning around Divorce as a spiritual initiation of sorts, an entrance into a whole new world of love.”

I got Debbie’s book immediately “Spiritual Divorce: Divorce As A Catalyst For An Extraordinary Life“.

I now honestly see that that period of time was an evolutionary step for me into ending my stressful, imprisoned beliefs about love relationships.

I had a lot to uncover and un-do. I believed thoughts like this:

  • People shouldn’t leave me
  • If someone is close, they should talk with me and tell me what they’re thinking
  • Men shouldn’t get tired of me (they do)
  • I need to be “nice” every possible minute to other people, even if that’s not honest
  • I need to hide my feelings of disappointment, anger, or hurt
  • I can’t be happy without a primary partner
  • I can’t depend on anyone
  • No one should ever resent me (I try so hard at being GOOD, jeez!)

Boy. I thought I was so mature, advanced and intellectual.

But those childish, desperate, non-politically-correct beliefs were there, loud and clear.

As I did The Work every chance I could, I began to read Debbie’s book. She was a living example of a turnaround, right there in the pages, when I couldn’t find my own turnarounds.

Because I was there, reading her words, I knew this turnaround existed. I could pull it in to myself. I could start finding my own turnarounds.

I could find how this might be the best thing that ever happened to me, given that what I most wanted in my entire life was freedom, understanding, and unconditional love.

I wanted a powerful, brilliant, trusting, willing, ecstatic relationship with The Universe, the world, Reality.

I had no idea how afraid I had been of reality. Pure terror. I hadn’t felt safe in life. It had nothing to do with my partner, or any of the people who I felt had abandoned me.

“One day, while I was pointing my finger at [my estranged husband] Dan and blaming him for my pain, I realized that only the unhealthy, unconscious part of me would blame someone else for my feelings. I saw that from the day we got married I had been blaming Dan for my circumstances. While a neat excuse, this explanation had the unfortunate downside of being a lie. “~ Debbie Ford

I was stunned back then at how wide my illusion spread.

I thought my feelings about fear of being abandoned had to do with other people. I even thought my view of God/Source/Universe was that it/he/she was busy, someplace far away, not all that interested.

What if I questioned, truly questioned, whether or not I was abandoned, or betrayed?

Could I absolutely know that it was true?

No. I was set free.

“The journey of awakening—the classical journey of the mythical hero or heroine—is one of continually coming up against big challenges and then learning how to soften and open….starting to say yes to life, is first of all realizing that you’ve come up against  your edge, that everything in you is saying no, and then at that point, softening.”~ Pema Chodron

Thank you Debbie, for showing me how.

Love, Grace

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Trust Your Struggle

I will never forget one time when I was at a Byron Katie event, I can’t remember which, and I raised my hand.

“Katie, I am doing The Work on the same person over and over again. I’ve done The Work so many times on this person, and I’m still very angry. I wish I wasn’t angry!”

Katie replied “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry, Grace? You are!”

We may have spoken a bit longer, those conversations with microphones and hundreds of people watching and listening make me blank out a little (sometimes). It’s a bit…public.

But that comment from Katie was so incredibly powerful for me, because in it I recognized what a ginormous goal I had of making myself “not angry”.

Anger, in my opinion, was bad. Anger caused suffering, it caused other people to harm themselves or hit others, it started wars, it caused tension, heart-attacks, violence. It made people break things.

Anger had to be controlled and squelched. Otherwise…..very bad things could happen.

And I was angry. So I had to “work” on my anger until I was a nice person.

If I had stayed in that framework towards anger, I would still be working on it and hating it, and wishing I didn’t have it inside of me. I would still be afraid of people who seemed angry.

Well, loud shouting or screaming, throwing something, rage…that is all still alarming. They are BIG expressions. But I’m not so scared now that I’ve done the work on anger.

I had many thoughts about anger. I felt so upset about anger that when I even had one tiny little speck of a sensation of anger, something in me got scared.

I even realized that in my twenties, when I suffered so terribly from bulimic binge-eating and vomiting, I was filled with rage. I was livid.

And I was determined to smash my anger to the ground and push it down, like holding my hands over the geysers at Yellowstone National Park. It took a lot of work and a lot of running around, just to keep the geysers from spouting.

Of course, they spouted anyway, and then I would feel horribly guilty and filled with self-hate.

But back at that time that I recognized all the anger inside me and how I was judging it, I went to work doing The Work. It was like a lightbulb went off, and it was time to let anger be free to exist, without my condemnation of it.

“Something terrible will happen if I or anyone else is angry”….is that true?

No. Not at all.

There is an energy that is rising up to say NO. There is passion, creativity, determination.

Marshall Rosenberg created non-violent communication, out of his great desire to express anger clearly and cleanly, with respect.

Anger brings on clarity, laser energy, awareness, brilliance, sharp thinking.

Who would I be without the thought that what I am feeling, this energy I am calling “anger,” should be obliterated rather than expressed? Who would I be without the thought that something terrible will happen if I express anger?

What if something wonderful could happen!?

I turned the thought around and began to find examples of amazing expressions of anger, and how wonderful things happened out of these expressions.

Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Aretha Franklin.

And I knew, as a turnaround example for myself, that it was wonderful to be angry with respect to that very person I kept feeling angry about, because my anger was a message that I was believing a bunch of conflicting thoughts that were not true.

I did not need that person to be close with me, I did not have to push myself to like everything about that person, I did not “have” to do anything towards that person I did not feel comfortable doing.

I could have preferences, like allowing myself the same basic respect to eat if hungry and NOT eat if NOT hungry!

I could say yes or no, and attend to the inner answer at the center of myself.

Doing The Work does not always result in peace, flowers, dancing and love songs.

Sometimes the truth is that under the first level of concepts about that awful person you’re doing The Work on, there lies fear about what might happen next.

If I really question this person’s presence in my life, they will leave and I’ll be alone. But I don’t want to be alone, so I will attack that person with my anger and not question my terrifying beliefs about being alone.

Anger is one of the greatest gifts I have ever experienced. An arrow of zinging power that says “hear me now!” Warrior energy. And it is part of reality. I loved discovering that!

The funny thing is, once I didn’t judge my own anger so harshly, and then questioned all my beliefs about that person…I could allow them to be who they were, and I didn’t have to ever talk with them again.

I think of that person now, who I haven’t seen in years, and smile so widely. I absolutely love what I learned in being connected back then. What grand, broad, sweeping learning. Smacking down the walls, breaking apart the beliefs I had about how people are supposed to behave.

Dissolving my angst, rage, and urge to attack what was “out there” (a person).

Dissolving my need to feel division with anyone.

“Life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness. How do you know this is the experience you need? Because this is the experience you are having at this moment.”~Eckhart Tolle

Let yourself be as angry as you are, and write it all on paper. Now you have your work, your amazing personal project that anger is helping you understand….and as you look, the anger will not be necessary anymore.

“Trust your struggle.” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

Learn About All Teleclasses Here 

Click here to register for the Pain, Sickness and Death Class!

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
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Answering The Hard Question (Number Four)

I am planning all the pieces and parts of the wonderful program starting within a few months A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind.

Today, I’d love to ask you a favor if you have any interest in signing up for the program. I got so many people excited to learn more…it would help me to set up the logistics at the best time for everyone.

Please take this very short survey:

Answer two questions here

Meanwhile…back on the ranch (picture tumbleweeds blowing on the wild plains of the inner mind)…

Today the Our Wonderful Sexuality class met for the fifth time and this is the toughest class I often think. People identify the worst thing that involves sexuality that they’ve encountered.

It may be someone they met who grossed them out once, or someone they learned about on television. In any case, the unspeakable happened….the embarrassing, horrifying, sad and painful.

Working with our thoughts about the worst people out there in the world, phew, that can get very serious. It feels heavy, disheartening, hopeless.

Many people said that with these thoughts about those people, they felt livid, paralyzed, and powerless.

Just trying to answer the question “who would you be without the thought?” was difficult.

Who would I be without the thought that people are getting damaged, especially children, and that their innocence is being taken from them?

This is one of those times in Question 4 when we may find it frightening to not have our stressful belief.

The thought that we know what is bad and wrong protects us. If we didn’t know that stuff going on was bad, we’re afraid we wouldn’t help, we wouldn’t fight or rip the bad guy to shreds, or get away from him.

I reflected after the call that sometimes, I have had to return over and over again to that question four when doing The Work on some very frightening, very taboo situations.

I love that every single time I teach the class, I get to return to the images in my head of some worst person out there who has harmed others.

Today I thought about Hannibal Lectures from that movie Silence Of the Lambs.

He’s not real (it was a movie after all) but he was the creepiest of creepy to me.

And every time, with doing The Work, I am unraveling my thoughts, looking at all the characters involved, watching with an open mind.

Who would I really be without the thought that Hannibal is evil, that he is a monster I must never run into, ever, that I am powerless and he is powerful, and that he can hurt others and destroy their lives?

A profound question to answer.

“I notice that if I believe it shouldn’t exist when it does exist, I suffer. Can I just end the war in me? Can I stop raping myself and others with my abusive thoughts and actions? Otherwise I’m continuing through me the very thing I want to end in the world. I start with ending my own suffering, my own war. This is a life’s work.”~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Give Up Being A Good Person

It appears to be the nature of being human to experience trials and difficulties, pain and death and loss.

Even when our troubles are not the WORST that can happen, we get upset.

Someone is short with us, cuts us off in traffic, frowns, or doesn’t say hello. That may be the low end of the scale, if there is an imaginary scale, of stressful experiences.

Higher level stress may happen when then someone we love steals from us, leaves us, or dies…or our lives change with job loss, an accident, moving to a different town, a war breaking out in our country.

Researchers have written Stress Scales giving points to various occurrences. You can score yourself on how much stress you might be experiencing in your life and this can help explain your predicament.

But the thing is, it doesn’t matter what the level is, really. Big, small, grand scale, tiny passing moment….when we’re batted around by life circumstances like a flag flapping in the wind then life is a bit rough.

When we react to situations with stress and we are 100% against certain situations happening, we live our lives a bit on edge.

At least I sure have lived like that.

I have to worry about what COULD happen, and never forget what DID happen, and I have to build a fortress or good sound structure, (as best I can) to help get this ship from point A to point B, birth to death, without much ado.

It’s a lot of work, a lot of being careful.

It dawned on me yet again, while thinking about “identity” recently, that many spiritual teachers and wise mentors speak of this anxiety, this worry about situations, this effort, and this focus as VERY PAINFUL.

To get a good identity built nice and strong, you really have to work hard to keep it intact.

Part of my identity has been The One Who Is Tackling Life, Reducing Anxiety, Becoming Free and Helping Others.

If something looks outside of that definition, like if I look like The One Who Is Lazy, Apathetic, Generating Anxiety, Imprisoned, and Not Caring About Others….oh no!

EMERGENCY! Do whatever it takes to repair and rebuild the “good” identity.

As I sat with this awareness of identity, how I might be seen by others, how I look at other people myself…I had the idea “what if I gave up even this?”

What if I gave up worrying about whether or not I am a good person, who is liked, respected, special?

What if I didn’t hope for any outcome, or EVER wish anything was truly different than it is?

What if I didn’t wish anyone I’ve ever met was different? What if I let go of trying to grab on to good situations, or balance, or happiness?

I always notice that when I am grabbing, or against a situation, then something un-true is happening in my mind.

To put it bluntly, I’m believing a lie.

I have my opinion about how things should be (not this) and I am Something. I have something to say, offer, correct, defend, attack, or write a discourse on.

It’s interesting to watch that little worried mind do its thing. It apparently is a part of this experience, it’s apparently there for a reason. Nothing wrong with any of us for having that part of the mind in operation.

Watching it go off, though, can be incredible when you tap into another part of you, or a different part, that I often ignored in the past….

This is the Observer. It’s the one who stops and watches. The part that has no agenda. The part that knows this little incident that appears unpleasant couldn’t matter less in the big scheme of things (except as a jewel for your own journey).

Who would I be without the thought that I need to build a good identity, to try to be as perfect or helpful as possible? Who would I be without the thought that I need to work at being as healthy, kind, generous, alive, joyful, or enlightened as I could ever be?

A thousand times more relaxed. Not pushing in life, not driven, not forcing myself to be any way. Accepting, easy-going, naturally kind or silent, no expectations.

Letting everything go, letting your situation be the way it is, not grabbing and trying to redefine it or make it fit into your special identity….you may taste a freedom beyond imagination.

“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.”~Byron Katie

Today in this moment I notice who I am without stressful thinking.

I relax and stop focusing on building my structure, the definition of ME. I rest and watch, leaving everything alone. WAIT! But…I start to try to change something….but then I stop. I remember not to defend, build up, push, pull, assert.

“You just decide, once and for all, to take the journey by constantly letting go…..if you’re willing to let go, you will fall back and it will open into an ocean of energy. You will become filled with light.”~Michael Singer

Love, Grace

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Peace-Torment-Now Rollercoaster

Yesterday and today I had the amazing opportunity to do The Work on a very stressful situation storming inside myself.

Something troubling happened, I got some strange and unexpected news. The information hit my mind, and *KABOOM*! Emotions, stress, sadness, anxiety all resulted.

Its like the time I went into the doctor’s office to get four stitches out from a mole that was biopsied, and when the doctor came into the examining room….her face didn’t look so good. Adrenaline rush.

The thought and the feeling practically happen simultaneously.

Bad News. Uncomfortable Feeling. Mind Starts Thinking.

After I had this troubling news, in the middle of my day, going from here to there, I noticed my mind working VERY hard to know. It wanted an answer!

Why? Why is this happening? Something has gone wrong! Someone has misunderstood something, someone is hurting out there, someone is unnecessarily frightened.

I felt so excruciatingly anxious, then surprisingly peaceful, then mind would kick in again and go back to sad…then open and watching, then wondering.

The mind LOVES the two thoughts together: 1)”I wonder what’s going on!? 2) “Oh, I KNOW!”

The little mind hates when it doesn’t have the “I KNOW” part covered.

So, after doing many other activities and watching a roller coaster ride go pretty crazy on the inside of myself for awhile…I knew to do The Work.

Is it true? Can I absolutely know that this is true?

Can I be sure that the way I’m seeing it is accurate? Do I really know? Do I even need to know?

No.

I had a wonderful facilitator asked me the four questions. When I sit with another person, on the phone or skype or live, and they are there witnessing me and my frantic mind…it’s like the most beautiful gift I could receive.

No hiding. No sweeping this situation under the rug. No avoiding, or wishing it away.

Here it is. Reality.

Who would I be without the thought that something terrible is happening?

Like even in that moment in the doctor’s office when the doctor said, “you’ve got cancer”.  Who was I without the belief that its terrible?

This is not trying to think positively, or trying to get rid of scary thoughts and delete them. This is noticing who I would be without the thought at that moment?

Empty, watching the air in the room feel richer, taking a deep breath. Seeing colors all around me. Body relaxing.

Lighter, lighter, lighter. Free.

Could it be possible that this is a wonderful thing that is happening? Could there be advantages?

What if I could say, when something difficult occurs in my world, “OH GOOD! This is going to be really interesting!”

What if I really didn’t need my life to go a certain way today in order for it to be a “good” life? What if I roll with however it goes…open, unlimited, exciting.

What if I can feel love, even here, right now, in this moment where I feel great fear or sadness. Is this terrible moment ALL stress? What else is here?

Peace is here. Remembering who I am without stressful thoughts. When I answer that question, who I WOULD BE without the idea that something terrible has occurred…then I see beyond the terrible. I enter the DON’T KNOW mind in a much more wonderful way.

I don’t know why this happened, I don’t know why I’m experiencing this, I don’t know why it hurts so much, I don’t know why I believe it loss, trauma, or pain so often.

I don’t know what any of it is really for….and that is absolutely OK. This situation apparently exists, without my opinion that it shouldn’t.

And when I turn it around, I discover that I’m not so sure this “bad” thing shouldn’t be happening.

Something good is happening.

Really? Exciting! Something is shifting, something is coming into form, something is helping things move in that direction, not in this one. There is no reasoning, there is no point that I need to know about.

I received this beautiful poem today from an author and teacher, Mary O’Malley, in her newsletter.

Aimless Love

This morning as I walked along the lakeshore,
I fell in love with a wren
and later in the day with a mouse
the cat had dropped under the dining room table.

In the shadows of an autumn evening,
I fell for a seamstress
still at her machine in the tailor’s window,
and later for a bowl of broth,
steam rising like smoke from a naval battle.

This is the best kind of love, I thought,
without recompense, without gifts,
or unkind words, without suspicion,
or silence on the telephone…

~ Billy Collins ~

This is the best kind of love….without the thought that there is anything dangerous or misunderstood going on. No suspicion, no lack of kindness.

Just silence and noticing.

You can do it, too.

Love, Grace

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There Must Be Some Mistake

Making mistakes is an interesting concept.

Byron Katie says that when she first experienced her huge shift of perspective, quite on its own without her help, people started knocking on her door.

Many of them would say “namaste”. She thought they were saying “no mistake”.

She hadn’t been a part of any scenes that said “namaste” so it was an entirely foreign word. but “no mistake” worked just as well for her.

Kind of hilarious, though, to realize that she was thinking everyone was so brilliant and they were all bowing and saying No Mistake to each other….

And they were brilliant, of course.

Namaste means, roughly, “I bow to your form and the light in you”. In India (or here as well) you might bow with your hands together and this will mean the same thing, even if you don’t say “namaste” out loud.

Mistake is defined in the dictionary as making a blunder in judgment, action or opinion. By definition, it means that it should have or could have gone differently….with more knowledge, or more awareness, or less negligence, a different opinion, an alternative action, or SOMETHING.

But imagine walking about and seeing someone before you and bowing, whether you really do it or not, with the idea that there are no mistakes.

Imagine doing this with that person who really bugs you. That person from 20 years ago, that mean boss, that difficult teenager, that angry son, that ex-partner, that nasty neighbor.

Have you had the thought that a relationship in your life was a mistake? That you made a mistake? They made a mistake? One big blunder?

What if you open to turning that thought around. It doesn’t mean jumping into believing immediately “I did NOT make a mistake, that relationship was NOT a mistake….that was a FABULOUS wonderful relationship, one of the BEST!”

No, that might be a bit far at the beginning.

But if you find yourself experiencing deep stress when you consider that mistaken time you spent in the past, or that mistaken action, with that mistaken person….then you know you can do The Work, and find out what’s really true.

That was a mistake. Is it true? Can I absolutely know that this is true?

How do I react when I believe the thought that there’s been a mistake?

Oh boy. Busy mind. Sad, unhappy, frustrated, regretful. Busy feelings. Many images. Worried energy. Tight. Planning ways to fix it. Self-critical. Wishing things were different.

Who would you be without the thought that a mistake was made? Without the thought that it could or should have gone differently, could have gone better, could have not hurt so much?

Who would you be without the thought that you made a mistake, or THEY made a mistake?

I did not make a mistake, that period of time was not a mistake, he did not make a mistake, she did not make a mistake, it’s nobody’s fault.

Can you find examples of how this might be true? What if everyone is always doing the best they can? Were there any advantages to it going the way it went?

“Our parents, our children, our spouses, and our friends will continue to press every button we have, until we realize what it is that we don’t want to know about ourselves, yet. They will point us to our freedom every time.”~Byron Katie

The thing happened. It went the way it did.

Without any mistakes, I am in this present moment. Open and empty, filled with peace. Moving with the wave.

I bow to the mistake. Namaste. Thank you for being there, to show me where I have believed in mistakes.

“Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

Love, Grace

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Start A Huge Foolish Project, And You May Cross A Dangerous Line

Long ago, I had the incredible experience of working on a ship. I was 24 and that job lasted for a little less than a year. My position? Ordinary Seaman.

I am still fascinated with the lingo and history of life at sea, and I know I was only an onlooker. Peeking in to a culture and world that would never really be mine.

A 24 year old woman being an Ordinary Seaman? I think the people of the 13th century would have been stunned. It’s still a little weird.

For some odd reason, and there perhaps is no reason, I am a shellback, because of that experience.

A what?

A Trusty Shellback is someone who has crossed the equator. This is no small feat. This does not mean, the vessel “crossed” the equator line, and therefore you are automatically a shellback.

Since ancient shipping times, on board the vessels crossing the equator, there are very strange and wild ceremonies put forth to initiate the dirty, scummy wogs (those seamen who have never crossed the equator) into the other side of the line.

All work stops, there are elaborate rituals and rites performed. Captains and ship officers become someone other than they usually are.

Yeah, that was crazy. I have my certificate signed by King Neptune to prove I went through it.

In every culture, group, and family there are “lines” that get laid down, and with some of those lines, it’s a Big Honkin’ Deal if you cross them.

Sometimes it’s very “positive”….like graduations, weddings, changing careers.

Sometimes it’s very “negative”….like taking something from someone, hurting someone, giving something away, ending a marriage, voting for BLEEP, taking the pill.

The Work of Byron Katie, as so many of you already know, allows us to enter the realm of the questioning mind where it doesn’t matter where you are from, what you have done, which gender you are, what historical age you live in, or whether or not you’ve done the “right” thing or the “wrong” thing.

You are simply looking at who you would be, without your story. Without your fear, trepidation, sadness, anger, or anxiety.

For some reason, there I was on that ship, because of very odd circumstances lining up in the universe, like the federal government creating a Equal Opportunity law, and a good friend of mine calling me to say “they need an OS on this ship, get over here and you’ve got the job” and me dropping out of college and knowing I needed a huge change.

Not everyone liked that I was on that ship. Some of the others employed there could hardly stand it.

  • young women shouldn’t be on ships
  • this is dangerous
  • we can’t change the way we’ve always done it
  • she’s not strong enough, tough enough, smart enough
  • if she can do it, that means my job is diminished, disrespected
  • she doesn’t belong here, she’s not our kind

If I had believed their thoughts, I would have been so freaked out I wouldn’t have lasted five minutes.

Was I thinking that they were having those thoughts, or did I assume that these were their thoughts because of a few stressful moments when someone said something or acted uncomfortable, or acted mean?

Mostly…..everyone was incredible. They were kind, attentive, protective. They showed me the ropes. Literally. One guy showed me how to tie four vital knots that we needed to use from time to time.

Another showed me how to use the nail gun. I got the special job that no one else wanted of re-painting the huge faded black letters of the ship’s name on the stern.

There were hours spent in silence on watch…hours of it in pitch dark under the night sky.

There was lots of time painting and re-painting the ship gray.

Today, I remembered a moment during that amazing time, and I thought about how sometimes, you go across a “line” without planning, without controlling anything about it.

There I was in a most unusual weird strange place out at sea, with a very unusual job for a 24 year old that could only have happened in very unusual perfect circumstances….and it turns out, a line was crossed.

Several lines were crossed. For many of the men on that ship, for the Chief Botswain, for the other OS. Lines were being crossed left and right, all over the place.

And I was there to cross it, because I was. I was PART of the line-crossing. I had my role in the story. Apparently, the one who could play that part, at that time.

It wasn’t up to me. If I had known what I was getting into, as I said, I might have been afraid and not gone.

“Start a huge, foolish project like Noah. It makes absolutely no difference what people think of you.”~Rumi

Getting on that ship was a huge, foolish project. But a thing inside said “go”. And because of that, I got to cross several deep lines that I had no idea would be crossed.

Perhaps this is all we can do…follow the “yes”….and along the way, you will come to some edges. Sometimes they are sharp.

Pema Chodron wrote of how her teacher Chogyam Tungpa, Rinpoche, told her this:

“A big wave comes along and knocks you down. You find yourself lying on the bottom of the oceans with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller.”

Keep going. Follow the “yes”. It’s worth it….and it’s out of your hands anyway.

Love, Grace