Month: July 2012

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My First Bulimic Episode

I was 18 years old and knew I would be attending a small liberal arts college so far away from my family home that it took 26 hours to drive there, or several hours by plane.

I knew the date I would be leaving home, in 3 weeks. Not going to this small academic college would have been an option, I suppose, but a terrible one (in my mind). In our family, people go to college. It means success. My father was a professor, my mother had an advanced degree and spoke fluent Spanish.

It never occurred to me that I might not want to go. People fail who don’t attend college. They work at low-income jobs for the rest of their lives. They don’t meet new friends who are also on a path to success.

I already had several years of practice in not understanding or expressing my own feelings. What I felt, I believed, was not important, and actually, would lead to disaster. My beliefs about Feelings went something like this:

  • people who cry or sob are way too dramatic
  • people who are angry need to control themselves and hold it in
  • “losing” ones temper means you are not mature or patient
  • people with big feelings are childish, disrespectful, and self-centered
  • having anxiety is a sign of weakness
  • people who have “negative” scowls instead of “positive” happy faces will fail in life

Unfortunately, I had already encountered anxiety, anger, irritation, sadness and any other feelings most human beings feel as they live their lives….along with learning what I was supposed to do with them. Which was generally NOT SHOW THEM.

When you have such judgment towards showing feelings….then when you have one, it takes energy to hide it, but you do everything you can to make sure you succeed.

The groundwork was perfectly laid for me to be drawn to use something, anything, to regulate myself.

My parents had a celebration send-off dinner for me in our back yard. Many people were there, although I can’t remember who, now that over 30 years have passed. What I do remember is that there was a ton of delicious homemade food, and I ate. That was the one thing that looked appealing.

I ate, and ate, and ate. It was like I couldn’t stop and it didn’t matter anyway….My first full-blown Binge episode. And then, excusing myself to go up to the bathroom and disengage from the intensity. Horrified at my lack of control. Hearing all the guests voices floating up in the summer air past the open window. Feeling such pain in my stomach and wondering how I could possibly have eaten so much that I was nauseated and my stomach hurt. Desperate. Wanting to sob, wanting help.

That evening, I decided that I would accomplish the task that I had imagined for quite awhile, I would force myself to throw up like the people who ate poison accidentally. I had never heard the word “bulimia”. But that’s what it was called, I later learned.

Thus began a long and interesting journey of having to admit there was a “problem”. Something off. And discovering that my feelings were not only important to understand and express, but that they were the golden key to understanding what I was believing and thinking about myself, the people around me, and about life.

As Byron Katie says, any stress is a “temple bell” waking you up to something. As I’ve said before, my stress was like a set of large cymbals crashing together. During a nap.

“Express yourself completely, then keep quiet. Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through…..Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.”~ Tao Te Ching #23

If feelings are present, don’t futz with them. Don’t fight against them, criticism them, call yourself “out of control” or attack others for having them. But feeling them with respect, curiosity, openness….this is opening to the Tao, no judgment, no resistance. Allowing them, they move, they teach, and the clouds part.

Love, Grace

 

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Grace Bell, MA, Certified Counselor WA

Certified Facilitator of the Work of Byron Katie
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Seeing The Light Without Looking

Only a few minutes after waking up this morning, I began to sort minutes and time mentally while still lying down in bed. Let’s see, it is now 7:04 am. When I rise, in 2 minutes, I will begin the list of ideas and activities. Some concern about leaving the house by 8:30 am. Flashes of thought, images of staying on track.

Oriented towards the immediate future. What will happen next. Mind busy with planning.

Then at perhaps 7:05, or perhaps simultaneously sort of mixed in with the future focus, memory of a fascinating speech I listened to on YouTube by Sam Harris on the absence of Free Will yesterday afternoon.

Then the mind thinking about itself right now, interested in what is beyond this “thinking” place. Aware of emptiness and vast space, here all the time. The question “who am I?” and the questions “what is going on right now…what is this whole thing, this life?”

Here comes another memory flash, it’s still 7:05 am. I recall reading an article many years ago about a spiritual teacher who asks a very troubled teenager to find who or what she really is, in the overall center of herself.

The teenager says “what the hell are you talking about?” So the teacher says, “OK, point to your leg”. She points. “Point to your elbow”. She points. “Point to your nose”. She points. “Point to Whoever or Whatever is pointing”. The teenager smiles really big and says “OH! I hadn’t thought about that before! Cool! OMG that’s been here the whole time!”

I myself, the reader at the time, kept thinking “what did she see exactly?” Because it looks like a huge, vast space to me. I can’t exactly point to it. And it also evaporates and has no edges. And my mind seems to be very, very small in comparison.

At 7:06 I decide I want to get up and do some computer research, before writing, on what other people say about the vast, empty space thing.

There are a lot of teachers and speakers, workshop leaders and trainers. Classes, retreats, programs, degrees, speeches, books.

So much information that it is impossible I would ever be able to take it all in, read every book, work with every idea or approach, meet every fascinating human, listen to every one of them speak.

So quickly the mind moves, I notice the thoughts enter, those rascally little busy ones always looking for New and Improved…..”I need more information” or “I must Get This” or “I should be aware of the vast-empty-space thing at all times” or “my life would be even better if….”

“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing. ~ Tao te Ching #47

There’s the mind, chattering away. There’s the Silence, always present.

No need to read anything, turn on the computer, do something, go fast. Being in the Tao, the middle, the space, the quiet…nothing matters. No trying necessary. Letting go.

Mind talking away, assessing, analyzing, doing its thing. Functioning like a little machine buzzing in the corner. Not that important, in a good way.

This Silence, Love, Peace has been here the whole time.

Love, Grace

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Go Towards The Dark

The study of Addiction; how it happens, what we mean by it, how we know we’re addicted, and how to find peace beyond it, is an interest humanity has had for centuries.

At a basic level, Addiction can be defined as a compulsive urge to escape the present moment, to escape feelings that rise.

A wonderful author and psychologist who has worked with people recovering from addiction for 30 years, Frederick Woolverton, describes any addictive process, no matter what the substance or activity, as an attempt to avoid internal darkness.

I remember Adyashanti saying at a retreat once that we’re all addicted to our thinking, we are all Addicts. We’re all addicted to distracting ourselves, forgetting about ourselves for awhile. To getting away from that pesky dark, emptiness we notice.

OH DEAR. Does this mean I have to go towards the darkness? Like, not AVOID it? But. That’s scary.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass this week a thoughtful participant offered the troubling concept “I need to control my emotions”.

I used to live with this belief under the surface of every interaction I had with others; going to work, studying, being with my parents, talking with friends.

All would be fine if my emotions were in check, if I didn’t actually feel anything dramatic, powerful, intense…if I didn’t feel scared, angry or sad. Then life was easy. Things were peaceful, simple, pleasant, fun or exciting.

But OH NO if I felt any fear over about a 2 on a scale of 0-10, or any sadness over a 4 on that same scale, or any anger more than a 1 on the scale of 0-10….then the need for a substance to help stop the feeling would come along. I couldn’t seem to close off the feeling on my own. “I need to control my emotions…I need to shut this down.”

How did I control my emotions? Why, by eating of course. Stuffing, shoving, cramming food in with a vengeance, with a force that was VERY ANGRY. I would also smoke cigarettes, having a quiet moment with them instead of actually expressing my deepest feelings to a human.

Drinking alcohol also served a purposed in changing feelings and thoughts. It would derail sadness and fear, kind of like switching theaters in the middle of an intense and troubling movie.

The problem is, while it appeared that I was doing everything I possibly could to control my emotions, they would pop up like geysers at Yellowstone. I’d run to plug up the fountain of emotion spewing out, only to have a new one pop up the next day 100 yards away.

It was a lot of work to avoid feeling big feelings, to avoid internal darkness.

Fortunately, the addictive process offers an unsatisfying and temporary solution. It also has really painful side effects….like horrible physical sickness or spending lots of money. There is no lasting peace whatsoever. It makes people wake up to wanting another way to live.

I found that through exploration and study of this amazing process of addiction, of giving myself a break from the attempt to control what was inside of me all the time, to be willing to stick with the internal darkness that haunted me, and to speak honestly to other people about it….the addictive processes stopped.

The good news is that just a drop of Willingness to be aware of what is happening inside of you, of being open to it instead of afraid of it, puts you on the path towards ending the annoying cycle of glimpsing darkness and trying to run away from it.

“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain…you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”~ Eckhart Tolle

It can feel really difficult at first, when the addictive process you’re in doesn’t actually work anymore. When you stop using the substance or pattern, you may feel panicky or raw, or super-hyper sensitive. Your pain may now be sitting there totally exposed.

You may decide to look at the opposite to the concepts you’ve had before about your emotions. “I need to stop controlling my emotions, I need to feel everything, I need to share what I’m feeling authentically, I need to face my greatest pain…”

You may have to trust others who have gone before you….even if they’re saying “Go Towards The Dark!”  

It’s worth it.

Love, Grace

 

Click Here to register for any fall class.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1)

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The Body Games

A very common experience of being in the human body is to criticize it, think it needs improvement. This body is too old, too round, too slow, too sick, too scarred, it hurts too much, too fat, too ugly, too wrinkled, too bumpy, too imperfect.

Olympic athletes are those of us humans who are zoning in on maximum human capacity for precision, speed, grace, power. By comparison, this group appears to be out there on the edge of the curve, the closest to perfect. Everyone shows up at the same place to compete, to do their absolute best. To win.

The thing is, it’s called the Olympic GAMES. But to a lot of people competing, or watching, it might not be a game exactly. At least it’s not fun. It’s REALLY SERIOUS.

I remember reading when I was a kid about the original Olympic Games being a fight to the death. That does seem quite serious.

Looking at our bodies for some of us becomes extremely life-and-death oriented. I see the flaws, I grip against that picture. I hate it. I decide to fix it, I’ll do anything to bring it up to More Perfect.

Samsara is the word in Sanskrit used for the activity of humans perceiving reality with an agitated or unsettled mind. A continuous flow of birth and death, never ending. Like being trapped in a strange and very creative dream where life repeats itself in different forms endlessly; suffering, achieving, ecstasy, devastation. Repeat, repeat, repeat.

The idea enters for many of us, just like the ancient religions, that it would be nice to get off the treadmill of happy-sad, good-bad. To get past it somehow, feel peaceful and non-reactive to everything.

This includes this body. It gets injured, it changes, it ages, but I long to accept it anyway, to not be affected by its changes like when I’m believing it’s a matter of life or death and it’s freakin’ Very Serious.

But that’s easy to say, not so easy to actually do. Right?

I heard Adyashanti speak once of Samsara as being Closed.

Samsara is a movement AWAY from what is actually happening. It means I don’t like it, I want it to change, I find it unpleasant….I’m against or I want to avoid this person, this thing, this event, this situation. I want to avoid having an imperfect body.

To be truly open to this body, to let go of wanting it to be different…wow, that’s an amazing feat. But possible. Very possible!

In fact, even being willing to let go of wanting it to be different, is an amazing thing to experience.

I remember discovering that I imagined that if I didn’t have the thought that my body needed improvement, then it might become worse. Uglier, repulsive, sick, inadequate…dead.

I believed I had to keep the thought that the body needs to be improved, or else DISASTER. No winning the GAMES! Not even a chance.

What I found, however, was that the body runs itself in the most amazing way, without my improvement plan, without my criticism, without my harping, my judgment, my energy, my hatred, my anger, or my control or planning. This body lives, without me living in Samsara with it.

My critical thinking is not actually necessary for the body to be wonderful as it is. In fact, less thinking about the body has led to greater enjoyment of it.

Kind of like the world. It runs without my opinion. And I find it’s more peaceful the less I give an opinion, the less I judge it and criticize it.

The more Open I am to each moment, to every person I encounter, to the image I see in the mirror, the more power I actually have to facilitate change, beauty, clarity. Now how funny is that?!

The more I see it really as a GAME, a fun game, not a serious matter of life-or-death, the more I accomplish, the more I create.

“Governing a large country is like frying a small fish. You spoil it with too much poking. Center your country in the Tao an evil will have no power. Not that it isn’t there, but you’ll be able to step out of its way. Give evil nothing to oppose and it will disappear by itself”~ Tao te Ching #60

Governing this body, I spoil it with too much mental poking. Criticism and comparison is all around in my consciousness, in the magazines with picture of models, in the news with pictures of amazing athletes. But I can step out of the way. I don’t oppose this body, I don’t attack it for being the way it is, and the hatred of it disappears.

At the moment of the performance, in the Olympics or otherwise, I am so much more in the flow without poking. I only get there by questioning what I think is true. By not believing it is True that this body isn’t good enough, all is empty around me, unknown, mysterious. A Fun Game.

Love, Grace

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You Don’t Need More Money

Money is such a fascinating topic, so many opposing thoughts and ideas. Most of us feel pretty sure we want more of it. More is better. Less is worse.

Inquiring around money, I have found, offers so much awareness about Wanting and Not Wanting, it has the kernel of understanding everything about my perception of life. Wow! Really? Yes, really.

Here is this thing called Money. I use it to trade for other stuff. I like the stuff. I like books, fixing my broken bathroom, and going on retreat. I like taking classes, buying gifts for people, and buying groceries for my family.

The Money itself is not stressful. It just sits there, being itself. I have found that I don’t like it when there’s distance between Me and Money. There is something I want, and I don’t have enough money to trade for it.

Turning this entire belief around that there is distance between me and money, I sit with the experience that there is NO DISTANCE between us. How could that possibly be, when it appears there is no money in my bank account (in the amount I prefer) or no money in my pocket?

Here’s when it gets really fun. What do you think you need money for in the first place? What do you really truly feel distant from, if it’s not money? Joy? Relaxation? Connection with people? Adventure? Happiness? Security?

Are you absolutely sure you can’t experience joy, relaxation, connection, adventure, happiness or security in this moment? Are you sure you need something more?

What if your only project is to see what life is like right here and right now with exactly the amount of money you have. You may have the privilege of having no money at all. Can you notice that joy is possible anyway?

I remember doing The Work on “I can’t afford to travel”. When I turned the thought around realized what kind of Adventures I could go on, right in my own city. There were huge areas of the city I had never explored before. Shops in China Town I had never been in, houses I had never even seen, street names I had no idea were even in my city.

“When you’ve become a total success in business and have more money than you could ever spend, what are you going to have? Happiness? Isn’t that why you wanted money? Let’s take a shortcut that can last a lifetime. Answer this question: who would you be without the story ‘My future depends on making a lot of money?’ Happier. More relaxed. With or without the money. You’d have everything you wanted money for in the first place.”~ Byron Katie 

I notice when I feel connected to money, like it’s my best friend and we are having fun together. I don’t have the thoughts that it’s not giving me enough attention, it should stay with me and never leave, I need to think about it all the time (Obsessive!) or scheme to figure out how to manipulate it into sticking with me.

I call that a troubled relationship. I’ve had those before. They aren’t very much fun.

“If you look to others for fulfillment, you will never truly be fulfilled. If you happiness depends on money, you will never be happy with yourself. Be content with what you have; rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.” ~ Tao te Ching #44

To really let this sink in, I find examples of how there is nothing missing here that I would need money to acquire.

I am supported by this couch I sit on, I have friends all over the place right here and in countries everywhere (!), I have a computer, streets to walk on, trees to sit under….I have piles of books to read, a gorgeous day ahead of me, food filling up my refrigerator, a telephone.

Rejoice in the way it is right now. Even if you have lost “everything” and have no money. You get to see the bare bones of what you do have. You get to slow down, to stop. Air to breathe. Ground to sit on. A bite to eat, a glass of water. A place to lie down.

WITH the thought that I NEED more money: I am sad, in an empty cell like a jail, life looks bleak or frightening, I crawl into a fetal position and wait…tense, unhappy.

WITHOUT the thought that I need more money: WOW. There is stuff everywhere. Wealth, riches, colors, amazement, infinite possibilities, excitement, peace.

Love, Grace

 

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He Should Change

Anthony deMello, the wonderful Jesuit priest and author, wrote that he has news that is VERY GOOD:  none of us has to do anything to change. In fact, he said, the more you do, the worse it gets.

All we really need to do is understand ourselves.

We’re about to spend some time doing this starting Thursday, in the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. We look at relationships with ANYONE: spouse, parent, child, boss, colleague, employee.

Just like doing The Work of Byron Katie, there is no list of what you should do in order to change…in fact in a very careful, measured way, the suggestion of inquiry is to study the pain, like scientists studying ants or other strange insects.

So, I found myself thinking about someone who I have found troubling. When I think about him, I notice negative feelings inside. These feelings are inside ME, not inside HIM. So who is the one suffering with the negative experience here?

Step number one is to see what I’m thinking, what I think is true, what I repeat to myself over and over again when I think about this person:

  • he should get his life together
  • he should stop drinking
  • he’s deceptive, lying and manipulative

The only way I could have these kinds of thoughts and feelings is if I expected something different. I see fault, I see need for improvement, I see a more Perfect Image hanging over the person’s head.

I am actually demanding that the person change. They should be a little different, or a LOT different, than they are. The bigger the painful thoughts, the more demands I have, and vice versa. The bigger the emotion, the farther I see that person from their perfect possibility in my mind.

What is the common denominator in every experience I’ve ever had where there is a Problem? Hmmm, gosh…. Just one common element that is present, every time I experience stress, every time I see something missing or something not quite up to snuff?

What is it that is always present, every time I think about that annoying person? ME!

I am always present when I see a problem. Everything else, in fact, changes. People come and go, issues are different, concerns are new or old…but every time I see a problem, oops, there I am.

“In a genuine relationship, there is an outward flow of open, alert attention toward the other person in which there is no wanting whatsoever.”~ Eckhart Tolle

 Just imagine that person who you are judging and defining as less-than-perfect as instead someone who you want nothing for, and nothing from, at all. No wanting whatsoever.

There they are, shining their star (as a wonderful wise friend used to say to me). There they are, doing their thing. I can spend time with them, or not.

I turn everything around that I think, doing The Work:

  • I should get my life together, especially when it comes to analyzing other peoples’ lives
  • I should stop being addicted to my thinking that there is a problem with others
  • I am deceptive, lying, and manipulative, especially when I’m thinking I’m Miss Innocent or I try to act like I’m accepting, when I’m not

“No person on earth has the power to make you unhappy.”~Anthony deMello

 Do The Work and get free from that unhappiness! And if you need some group support to help you, join fellow travelers in the teleclass on Thursdays for the next 8 weeks, 10am-11:30 am Pacific time.

Love, Grace

Click Here to register for the Thursday class!

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Falling Off A Cliff Is Exciting

Sometime last year, I was startled at the sight of the cover of National Geographic.

It was a photo of a young man standing on a very thin ledge at Yosemite National Park in the US. This ledge rested in the middle of a massive face of rock called Half Dome, hundreds of feet from the ground, hundreds of feet from the top.

The young man had no ropes, no equipment of any kind.

I guess in the world of rock climbers, at some point someone had the thought “Gosh, I’d be able to climb Half Dome FASTER without all these annoying ropes and safety devices”. It’s called Free Climbing.

Now, many people would consider this a huge risk, even crazy.

I kept thinking about the photo. I was inside that body on the cliff, looking down at my shoes barely fitting on the ledge, looking out at pure space and air. It would only take one small movement, grabbing at an edge that broke or moved, the foot moving 3 centimeters off good support, and the body could fall to the death.

The nervous part of me was alarmed. I didn’t mind that the climbers were achieving these feats, but something got stirred up when standing right in the shoes of that man on the cliff.

Where would the body land if it fell–would other friends and fellow-climbers be standing right there at the bottom? What would they see? What would the fall be like on the way down?

For some the images can be so frightening just to imagine death, accidents, terror….we only have to see a photo. The reaction isn’t as far as we think from being in the middle of the actual event.

But, it’s only truly terrifying when we start believing that this image is TERRIBLE. The worst that could happen: Death is horrifying. I need to preserve my life. I need to be careful. Everyone should be careful, especially children. I need to live. That guy on the cliff shouldn’t die until he’s older.

The thing is, being afraid of what COULD happen is really only a story about what has already happened in the past and deciding that the story is BAD.

No one really knows exactly and precisely what happens the second we’re falling, dying, the moments after, everything beyond that moment. There may be people who return from that experience of “dying” to live and who have stories to tell, but even that is THEIR experience, not ours from this body’s perspective. It’s a great Mystery, absolutely unknown.

“What I love most about reality is that it’s always the story of a past. And what I love most about the past is that it’s over. And because I’m no longer insane, I don’t argue with it. Arguing with it feels unkind inside me. Just to notice what is, is love.” ~Byron Katie

So what IS reality? Some people love to move their bodies up a cliff and feel the joy, power, expression, the urge to GO, to focus, to stay in the perfect flow, to play, to win, to try. Some of these people “fall” off the cliff and their bodies die.

I see that people die at every age, in every circumstance you could ever dream of. Young, old, taking risks, taking no risk at all.

Without the terror of death or accidents, I notice that today I feel excited, adventurous, peaceful, happy, in the flow. I notice it’s fun to take risks, ones just right for me. I notice I’m having so much fun in so many areas, I have no interest in climbing cliffs, and yet today could be my last in this body, it’s totally possible.

I notice what a Playground this place is, people running all over the place taking all kinds of rides. When I feel uncertainty, anxiety, worry when thinking about the young man on the cliff, I write my concepts down and investigate them. I have to stop and slow down to do this. Are they really absolutely true?

Death comes along. We’ll all get to participate in the adventure. That’s Reality. “It doesn’t wait for our vote, our permission, or our opinion—-have you noticed? ~BK

If I were to fall off a cliff today, it seems most wonderful if I felt joy doing whatever I was doing in the moment before falling, even during the actual fall. Relaxed, thrilled, entering the Mystery. Knowing nothing about what will happen next. Because I actually don’t.

Love, Grace

P.S. If you register today, July 23rd at 9:00 pm Pacific time, you can still join Our Wonderful Sexuality even though we’ve met once (but that’s the deadline). Horrible Food Wonderful Food has room for one if you register by Thursday, July 26 at 9:00 pm Pacific, and on July 26th at 10:00 am the fabulous Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven will begin, to look at an important relationship in your life and where it was, or currently is, troubling.

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Egos Wanted For Hazardous Journey

While reading recently, I came across a wonderful reprint of a 1913 Help Wanted Ad written by the famous explorer Sir Ernest Shackleton:

MEN WANTED for Hazardous Journey, Small wages, bitter cold, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, safe return doubtful. Honor and recognition in case of success.

I laughed as I thought of what a Help Wanted ad would look like for the spiritual journey surrendering to What Is:

EGOS WANTED for Hazardous Journey, zero wages, bitter emptiness, long months of complete darkness, constant danger, confusion and discomfort, safe return impossible. Honor and recognition will mean nothing after success. 

Jed McKenna, author of Spiritual Enlightenment The Damndest Thing(and two other great books) says, if we only knew beforehand what it would be like to wake up to reality, we would run the other direction without looking back.

This is from the perspective of the ME, though. The one that wants what it wants when it wants it. The one afraid of death, physical ailments, mean people, earthquakes, starvation, losing.

If I had gotten My Own Way then I would have the powers offered in most fairy tales since the first stories were told: I could snap my fingers and have material objects appear, I could wiggle my nose and put spells on people, I would be able to fly like Wonder Woman.

Most of all, if I ruled the world, there would be no suffering. I have my list of what involves suffering and what causes it, and I would eliminate those things.

However, as Byron Katie says, I don’t get a vote. God did not actually ask for MY opinion on how to run the Universe.

“The ego’s plan for salvation centers around holding grievances. It maintains that, if someone else spoke or acted differently, if some external circumstance or event were changed, you would be saved….The change of mind necessary for salvation is thus demanded of everyone and everything except yourself.”~A Course In Miracles

It is actually, ironically (for the me-centered little self) a great relief, a peace beyond anything I ever imagined, to let go of anything being anyone else’s fault. Inside the center of us all there is an empty beauty, a mysterious, joyful excitement. Happiness.

“The Tao doesn’t take sides; it gives birth to both good and evil. The Master doesn’t take sides; she welcomes both saints and sinners. The Tao is like a bellows: it is empty yet infinitely capable. The more you use it, the more it produces; the more you talk of it, the less you understand. HOLD ON TO THE CENTER”. ~ Tao Te Ching #5

Come join the Hazardous Journey. Let’s face it, you already have. Might as well accept it….it’s more fun that way.

Love, Grace

 

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Do Something! Now!

A lovely man reminded me recently of the wonderful quote by Byron Katie, who said “I invite you to do nothing for the rest of your life”.

But!? How could this be possible? What does it mean?

For me, it is a reminder of the quiet, yet profound idea that I do not need to “do” anything in order to be happy in this moment.

Adyashanti, one of my favorite teachers who I mention often here, once spoke at a retreat I attended about this topic of Doing Nothing. He suggested seeing if we could not do anything because we thought we should, needed to, or would be better off if we did it or worse off if we don’t. He asked “can you just sit on the couch and not get up without a thought about getting up?”

The mind loves to chatter away with suggestions about Doing. It has quite an edge, have you noticed? It’s not exactly friendly. (Picture a wild cowboy screaming with guns firing in the air and spurs jamming into the horse, galloping at top speed)!

  • Get moving now! Go Go Go!
  • Stop procrastinating!
  • You think you’re going to get somewhere by napping? Do you think life is a spa?
  • You need to meditate more, control your impulses, be more disciplined!
  • If you aren’t happy…then DO SOMETHING! NOW!

So what if we really stopped doing anything? How strange. What if all the drive and busy-ness is unnecessary?

Sometimes a reverse strategy that the mind will offer does indeed go something like this: “Fine. If this is going to be too much for you, then give up. You’re not really up to this anyway. All your goals are unrealistic dreams, why bother….”

I am not talking about THAT kind of Not Doing; deflated, sad, falling short, heavy, paralyzed. This is just too much, I’m not enough.

The kind of Not Doing I mean is simply stopping the auto-responder in your mind, the one that believes everything you think. Here comes the thought “This place is a mess, I should tidy up the house” or “I really need to do my taxes” or “I should make those phone calls” and right on the heels of the thought about Doing is a bad feeling.

There’s a picture or thought of how you want it to be….clean and tidy house….money in your bank account….lots of conversations….but then another thought or two or 97 that stream forward in reaction to your thought about Doing Something: “I hate cleaning, it’s too much work, it’s always ME that does it, I have no help, I hate taxes, it’s too complicated, I don’t understand the instructions, I don’t want to pay them, I am lonely, I have to be polite when talking to people, I have to put on a good attitude, I’ll be on the phone too long….”

The kind of stopping I am talking about is different from this kind of non-doing. It is like I am hitting the Pause button. No emergencies. A feeling of assessing the situation with a deep breath. This kind of not-doing is the kind that feels open, mysterious, waiting, expectant, and kind.

Gangaji, a spiritual teacher in California, likes to say “Just Stop“.

I love questioning the thoughts that cram themselves in for attention, trying to get me to MOVE IT. That is a most wonderful way to stop.

I notice I have a resistance to what I see, a messy house. I ask myself, can I really know it’s true that it should be tidy NOW? Can I know that it won’t be fun to start cleaning?

When I find that the answer is No, there is no needing to push myself to do it. I know what my job is, and I do it. I naturally start putting things away, washing the dishes, noticing how fun it is. What a cute house I have, what an amazing little cottage, how incredible that these hands can put things inside cupboards and wipe counters off.

What pleasure I find in this present moment, where an idea has entered that I need to Do Something. So many ideas, not possible to do them all. What will I choose, from amongst all this fun stuff?

I keep everything slow and steady, soft, no pushing. My relationship with my thinking is gentle. Something inside of me is much bigger than my thoughts. There is an empty wide vast space that is me that can hold all this thinking, all these instructions directed toward me Doing Something.

Everyone has this mystery! Breathe deeply and wait. Nothing terrible will happen if you wait a moment, if you wait to see if it’s really true that you HAVE to do something to prevent unhappiness.

“He who stands on tiptoe doesn’t stand firm. He who rushes ahead doesn’t go far. He who tries to shine dims his own light. He who defines himself can’t know who he really is. He who has power over others can’t empower himself. He who clings to his work will create nothing that endures. If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job, then let go.”~ Tao Te Ching #2

Love, Grace

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Loving What Is? Not This.

Bertrand Russell, the famous British philosopher who was a huge political and social activist during his lifetime, said “every great idea starts out as a blasphemy!”

Sometimes looking at difficult things in life from every angle, or from an entirely alternate perspective, sounds crazy. Just thinking about being with something horrifying and contemplating the idea that it is not as bad as we think….it almost sounds cold or inhuman.

For example, studying cancer, or death, or torturous pain, tragic accidents, huge earthquakes, mass murders….not exactly pleasant topics for most of us.

When I first encountered The Work and questioning my thinking it was through reading Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is. I was reading along, loving the ideas and my mind opening as I read, and then I got to a section where Katie is doing The Work with a woman who experienced sexual abuse during  her childhood.

Suddenly, I felt a little sick to my stomach. In this situation it is not possible to “love what is”, I thought. But I kept reading.

It is radical to stand back from what we think of as the greatest horrors in life, and look with open eyes.

I confess, I like things when they go “well”. I like happiness and easiness and kind voices and quiet places. I don’t much like being surprised or having people jump out at me for fun. Sometimes it takes me 15 minutes to jump into a cold lake.

But I see now how when I preferred to chop out all the “troubling” things from human existence and from my experience, when I raised my fist against them and tried to avoid them, as I used to, I became tense as a block of cement. And about as happy.

Anthony De Mello, the wondeful Jesuit priest I mention occasionally who died in 1986, wrote that people would come to him with their problems and often wanted only relief. They did NOT want to understand their problem and find their part in it. He said that he discovered that some people had to suffer ENOUGH in a relationship so that they got disillusioned with ALL relationships.

Other writers and teachers speak of this suffering that seems to need to occur in order to wake up and find a better way of thinking, of living.

I do not know if we need to suffer, but it seems most of us do. We feel anxious, sad, terrified, sorry, guilty. Some of us feel suicidal, some of us feel deeply angry with others in our lives.

Adyashanti, one of my absolute favorite spiritual teachers, writes poetry that does not always sound pretty, peaceful or gentle when it comes to Reality, God, Source, or Awakening.

One thing that appears true….things don’t always look rosy. We are going to die. People are unpredictable, like the weather, like life.

“Enlightenment is a destructive process. It has nothing to do with becoming better or being happier. Enlightenment is the crumbling away of untruth. It’s seeing through the facade of pretence. It’s the complete eradication of everything we imagined to be true.” ~ Adyashanti  

Be compassionate today with yourself in your fear or distress. Be open to others as they are terrified, or enraged. This is all part of the pace of life.

“The Master give himself up to whatever the moment brings. He knows that he is going to die, and he has nothing left to hold on to…” Tao Te Ching #50

Be with the silence and the part of you that doesn’t know. Bad things happen, good things happen. It’s not OK. But it is.