Mondays I come on Facebook on Work With Grace page.
This past week, something sent a question asking about how to get rid of their thoughts. We even worked a similar thought in a lovely session in the Year of Inquiry group.
What a great question, what a powerful observation to notice:
I am thinking, and I’m against it.
So sitting with this query, I looked at the belief “I’m against this. It is unacceptable.” (Watch it here).
We’ve had these thoughts about our compulsions, our thinking, our stories.
I have to be against this.
Otherwise….I won’t work hard to push against it, fix it, eliminate it, cut it out, stop it.
Is that true?
Who are we without this story of being against thinking itself?
Woah.
“People who know that there’s no hope are free. The decision’s out of their hands. It has always been that way, but some people have to die bodily to find out. No wonder they smile on their deathbeds. Dying is everything they were looking for in life. Their delusion of being in charge is over. When there’s no choice, there’s no fear. And in that, there is peace. They realize that they’re home and that they’ve never left.” ~ Byron Katie
No hope of not thinking what you’ve thought.
And it’s OK.
If you’re interested in sitting in 4 days of inquiring (3 hour sessions each day) with me on the things you suffer about, sliding scale online autumn zoom retreat is coming soon. Read more here.
Sometimes when people come to do The Work, they feel totally overwhelmed.
They’ve got a list of what’s not going well in life; disappointment, heart-break, world-going-to-hell-in-a-handbasket, fear, upset.
If it’s not reality that’s so difficult, it’s ourselves.
We’re too nervous, compulsive, reactive, depressed.
When this happens, the mind careens around, bouncing between what it doesn’t like.
I quit!! I’m outta here!
Hard to even begin inquiring….and yet….the questions are always there to answer.
Peace is always here, reality has pauses, there is stopping.
Without our thoughts, we notice the peace.
In this recorded Peace Talk session, the internet froze the picture of the inquirer, the internet cut out and she had to re-connect, and I might have not shared this….except something about it seemed perfectly imperfect.
Everything continued. The words were all easily heard. I noticed a perfect vision was not necessary for inquiry.
So we continued, moving with the flow of the mind. We noticed the stories of overwhelm, and the chattering mind, and the experiences this inquirer had (many).
this world isn’t safe
I don’t get this
I don’t understand
life is hard–what’s the point
I get hurt randomly
co-worker is a problem
absence of flat stomach is a problem
sister’s random hit was a problem
Overwhelmed. It’s ALL wrong.
Life is cruel. Life is hard. It has to stop.
Is it true?
Yes.
I don’t even want to be here. I didn’t ask for this life! Why am I here? I wish I wasn’t.
Can I absolutely know it’s true?
YES!!!
(Sometimes, mind is too overwhelmed to know anything but how true it is–it seems–that this life is wrong and cruel and I need to figure it out).
So who would we be without our story when we’re overwhelmed?
Watch the inquiry here:
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Summer Camp for The Mind starts July 20th. We meet Monday-Friday at a different time every day (so you can pick and choose what works with your time zone). Sliding scale based on what you think you’ll join. Every session recorded. Read about it here.
As I prepare for Eating Peace Basics 101 course coming up tomorrow June 24th on Wednesdays at 9am PT (info here) I’m struck by noticing in the world with all the unrest and uprising that there’s a fountain of energy bursting upward.
Energy bursting doesn’t mean it’s wrong, or bad, or horrible. Fountains burst up, the geysers in Yellowstone National Park burst up, and we take photos and are awed by their splendor.
Groups of people burst out and march and stand for what they believe. It’s an energy to respect, whether you’re in the crowd or not.
I sure respect it.
Something important is happening. There’s energy rising. Here it is!!Am I a part of the problem? Can I be an active part of the solution?
I notice I didn’t treat my compulsions in the same way, with respect and curiosity and self-inquiry….knowing something of importance was underway.
I used to have compulsions with food that were so intense it felt like I could do nothing but go through the whole binge-eating routine when I was inside the compulsion.
What if that cycle wasn’t wrong?
I know, I know.
That sounds crazy.
Who would want to suffer with such an intense energy, and allow it to live and be there, without argument?
Wouldn’t that be passive and neglectful and Not Standing Up For What I Want? Don’t I need to set boundaries or something?
What I love about an “addictive” process, like over-eating, is that it hurts. There’s no denying that.
It pointed me, kind of forced me basically, to look at my own mind and how I was thinking.
Perhaps that’s exactly what’s happening with uprisings, unrest, civil disorder, a transformation desired.
Change is longed for. Change is wanted. Change is dreamed of.
That’s what happens when someone becomes deeply tired or full of suffering about their own behavior.
At least it was for me. I wanted change.
It seemed like peace was somewhere other than with me.
But even when I didn’t feel it, I was built to already know what peace is.
I wanted it–I knew what it was!
We know when it appears NOT to be peaceful. We know, because we have an inner guidance system towards peace.
We know what peace feels like!
This is helpful to notice.
The thing is, the tricky mind which is so brilliant and quick often says “this is not it” so it makes plans and instructions to shut that WRONG way down with hatred, criticism, rules, rage, suffering or more efforting than ever.
Fight, fight, fight.
I am against What Is. Arguing with what is.
I did that over and over when it came to food and eating, and the episodes continued.
I tried to ignore them, destroy them, use willpower and violence to break them.
It did not work, ever.
(It also doesn’t work with other people, or groups of people, I notice).
It never occurred to me, until I sought help, to wonder what was going on internally that resulted in wild eating or wild thinking?
It certainly never occurred to me to allow it instead of argue with it.
But that is exactly where to begin.
Not arguing with reality.
Who would we be without our story of looking at something and claiming it is WRONG?!
Aware. Willing. Curious. Ready to learn.
Turning the thought around: I don’t need to fight this difficult predicament, this compulsion, this contentious person. I need to allow it all in. I need to let it be here. My thinking needs to fight this (haha, isn’t it always interested in a good fight)? I need to love this, connect with this, understand this. What if the compulsion cycle is “right”? What if it’s an attempt to “right” something, like a boat that’s been tipped over on the water?
What if that difficult experience is a reaching for connection and peace, in the absence (or the illusion of the absence) of both?
What if something is believed to be wrong…that is not actually wrong? Could I be missing something, with this thinking and believing mind?
If you’d like to explore the stories specifically that seem to fuel confusion when it comes to eating, food and weight….you may love the journey we’re about to begin tomorrow: Eating Peace Basics 101.
Question your thinking, and watch the weird eating behaviors, cravings, and off-balance patterns with food dissolve.
Join me for the inquiry, support and sharing. A great adventure.
Read more about each week and the topics and details here, and sign up to join me if you’re able.
For even more on this topic of inquiry and wild eating, watch my facebook live from yesterday right here.
May you find peace if you’ve felt torture with a journey, a relationship, a compulsion, your own mind.
Speaking of mental detoxifying. The definition of the word “toxic”, from the original latin meaning, is “poisoned”.
In our modern day language we say “that’s a toxic relationship” or “this is a toxic food” or “she has a toxic personality”.
Poisoned.
Quite dramatic, right?
And yet I could find in my mind a person I would call “toxic” from my history.
Can you find someone who you’d inwardly refer to as toxic?
You know the one. Picture them now.
I can see it, even though the memory is many years old.
She betrayed me, back-stabbed me, hurt me. A friend who did a weird thing that wound up involving legal issues.
She anonymously reported me to the state government offices which oversee my counseling credential complaining that I didn’t have a master’s degree, that I wasn’t being supervised, and that because I offered retreats at Breitenbush Hotsprings, I was counseling people in the nude.
I still shake my head in disbelief, although I’ve done The Work on it.
I feel like such a modest person. Never would I conduct a counseling session naked. LOL.
Notice the defense arising. The urge to explain what kind of person I am, what a strange accusation it was that surely does not fit.
What happened there? Such a misunderstanding! How could she accuse me of this?
She poisoned our friendship!
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
YES!
Well. Deep breath. Pause. Answer the question.
I’m not absolutely sure.
We had a wonderful friendship, before she learned about my new retreat-teaching at Breitenbush.
Who made the change? Who brought something forth that was uncomfortable, or new, or….toxic, apparently?
That was me.
I was the one who started presenting retreats at Breitenbush where they have clothing-optional soaking tubs to use on down-time or in between workshop sessions.
How do I react when I believe she poisoned our friendship?
Angry. Sad. Heart-broken. Confused.
I scan the past for clues about how she could have done this to me. I feel like a victim. Shocked.
So who would I be without this dreadful story of toxic poisoning coming from “out there” at me, through my friend?
Noticing how safe I was the whole time. How much I learned about the law and complaints and the legal matters–more than I ever imagined. Noticing how comfortable I feel with the state and government, and how grateful I feel for my degree (yes, that I earned) and my clarity about the law now.
Here’s the funny thing: I had never been sure about what I was supposed to be doing when it came to being supervised or having a consult group as a “certified counselor”, and I found out I wasn’t supposed to be supervised at all–in fact, I was eligible to take a program of accreditation if I wanted to BE a supervisor myself.
I was eligible as a graduate level counselor to offer CEUs to mental health professionals. I would have never known this, if it weren’t for my friend.
So surprised!
Turning the thought around: I poisoned my own friendliness with myself. My thinking poisoned my friendship with this other person. She did NOT poison our friendship.
All she did was make a report, then vanished without speaking to me ever again.
You could say I was spared, but I mean that in the most kind way.
She was soft, non-violent, slipped away silently without confrontation, and the process left me more knowledgeable about ethics in my state than I ever paid attention to before.
My confidence grew 100 times bigger in a good way. I wasn’t so afraid of the authority of the state overseeing department. They felt like real people. I understood that steps are in place if people get frightened or worried about mental health practices.
But oh, my, the poisoned feeling of fear in my mind and heart after I discovered who it was who had reported me.
I was so frightened and shocked that when I opened a letter from the State two whole years later, my heart skipped a beat–that little drive of adrenaline flashed through (it was a normal form letter to renew my license).
My fear and terror would flare up–I’d have a seizure, as Byron Katie sometimes jokes–and pour some toxic energy into my system through images I’d see of the past of being betrayed by a friend, cut off, abandoned.
I see I created it all.
I don’t know exactly what was happening over there with my friend, but I do know we’re cut from the same cloth–because I’m not all that comfortable with naked hot tubs myself.
For me, it was strange, and uncommon, to see naked bodies of all shapes and sizes when I passed closely near the clothing-optional tub area.
Perhaps my mind needed a little openness, a little “clean up”.
In fact, a clean up is just what I got.
My entire career path was cleaned up–I began doing only The Work of Byron Katie with clients, a sense of stability grew within, a trust that what I was doing felt good and sweet and ever-evolving.
Why, now that I think about it, that whole thing that went down was an internal clean up of a toxic dump site in my mind.
Thank you, that friend, for helping me detox my thinking.
I lost everything (eyesight, health, joie de vivre….)
I never stop being inspired by everyone’s work. I mean everyone.
But.
A few weeks ago a participant in Year of Inquiry shared that she had been kinda tired of it all and taking a break.
From The Work.
Gasp!
LOL.
I’m laughing with her, not at her.
Because this is NOT an unfamiliar thought that’s entered my mind. And many others’ minds as well.
Yes, seriously.
I’ve heard it a ton, in my own head and from others’ sharing it with me. Just because we’re doing The Work doesn’t mean we don’t complain about it, or say things like “I won’t do it…give me netflix! I haven’t written a worksheet in weeks!”
I get surprised, in fact, that people continue to come over and over to show up, answer the same four questions, and wonder about their minds. 🙂
But they do. And shockingly, so do I.
I hear the voice say things like “Ugh. Whatever. Isn’t there an easier way than these repetitive four questions? I mean, Jeezus. Really?”
Or the voice sounds like two people having a conversation:
Voice-In-The-Mind A: “You know, remember that thing called The Work? Four questions? If you did The Work on that disturbance, you might discover something.”
Voice-In-The-Mind B: “Aw, give it a rest. Can’t I just watch a stand-up comedy routine on my computer in peace?!”
The thing is….there might be waiting to do The Work, or having a hissy fit while getting out the pen and paper….
….There might be trying other options or listening to podcasts….
….but in the end the simplest, shortest, least costly way to understanding when I’m confused or upset and not sure what else to do, is The Work.
Yesterday, the first day of Spring Retreat occurred online.
From brand new beginners to The Work, to very experienced facilitators and people who have been to multiple schools and events with Byron Katie.
All sixteen of us assembled together on zoom, our painful worksheets and situations in mind.
It’s truly astonishing what people are willing to turn towards, sit with, share, and question. How real, vulnerable and honest people can be. Knowing there is no right way or wrong way, just noticing what the mind is doing as it receives questions, and answers them.
It’s totally inspiring.
What I love noticing is that despite complaining, even about doing The Work….despite trying to avoid the conflicts, fears and agonies we imagine….despite over-eating or trying to escape through other mechanisms or fantasies…despite feeling furious or enraged at Those People who betrayed us or who have had power over us….
….people show up, willing to share what they’re believing that hurts, and willing to question their stories.
I am inspired and re-inspired every time.
I actually think “Wow, how fascinating this person is! So smart! So open! So raw! So honest!”
So if you’ve had the belief cross your mind that The Work is too simple, or too boring, or too weird, or too much work, or too repetitive, or too hard….sometimes just getting with one other person or a small group of kind listeners can make a huge difference.
It certainly does for me.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Another online retreat is coming: June 2-June 7. This one has a different schedule than the one underway and one of my fav co-facilitators is joining me: Tom Compton.
For more information about online retreat with Tom C and Grace B visit here.
Traditionally in many countries through Europe, May Day is the fire festival, the bursting forth of spring.
My mom used to dance around the May Pole every year on May Day with her college. She still does, actually.
We’re half way between spring and summer, and life is flowing and expressing all around.
May Day is certainly a fine day to inquire into stressful thoughts, because I think of inquiry as a kind of fire….burning up old stories.
In a May Day kind of way, this burning would happen with ease, celebration, fires out in the fields.
Not necessarily roaring wild fires striking terror into the inquirer, but much gentler.
All we’re doing is answering four questions and exploring a stressful story, one by one.
If you’d like to come stand by the fire and warm yourself, then you are entirely welcome.
This is a free monthly event.
You can attend by listening only, camera on or off, microphone on or off OR if you’re ready….doing The Work in the hot seat (after all, it is a gentle glowing fire).
Join me on zoom at 7:45am Pacific Time.
First Friday is recorded and shared on my youtube channel in service to others.
Speaking of joining together in Inquiry, I’m getting more and more excited about May retreat online, and there are a few changes (don’t worry–for those of you already registered, what I’m changing does not affect you).
Change? What?! How can that be? (Gasp).
We’re all getting quite used to changes these days, or perhaps by now, we’re getting used to lack of changes.
LOL.
Here’s what we’re going to try now for May Retreat, based on requests and meditating on what feels most helpful for all.
(The plan is super fun combination of inquiry, connection with others and movement/silence. I’d do it even if I was the only one attending).
May Retreat goes like this:
Weds, May 13th Orientation (you choose 11am PT or 5:30pm PT) This is the one segment that’s recorded.
Thurs, May 14th 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6-9:30pm Europe
Friday, May 15th 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6-9:30pm Europe
Saturday, May 16th no formal group but optional OFFICE HOURS to support you with Grace 8-9am PT/ 11am-Noon ET/ 5-6pm Europe (plus a surprise of online dancing)
Sunday, May 17th 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6-9:30pm Europe
If you can’t attend it all, you are welcome to come to either Thursday only, or Thursday and Friday together.
And there’s MORE to Spring Retreat than our zoom sessions together!
Here’s how the time will flow:
We’ll meet for our 3.5 hour session each day (with a natural 15-20 minute stretch break in the middle) on zoom.
After our immersion for a half-day, depending on your time zone, you’ll have space for a nourishing meal, a rest, or a cup of tea before bed.
After our group session together, you’ll be invited to do an exercise called The Morning Walk which is a daily practice at The School for The Work.
I’ll send you the exercise, and you’ll listen and do your walk any time between our sessions. You pick when it’s right for you to complete the exercise.
It might be sometime within a few hours after we’ve met as a group, or the next morning on the following day for you. Your walk can be 20 minutes or 90, you choose.
Morning Walk is a beautiful, powerful exercise. It’s walking meditation and allows us to notice what’s present.
Everyone participating in the whole retreat will get paired with a partner (optional) to facilitate each other in the process in between sessions.
Even if you’re brand new, this is one of the best ways to dive deeper into your work, connecting with another person. (I’ll be sure to share with newcomers how to walk through the process).
You’ll make arrangements to meet your partner any time before our next session, whether afternoon, evening or morning hours in your time zone (care will be taken to pair people in the same time zones). You’ll meet for 90 minutes.
We’ll follow this schedule for Thursday and Friday; joining together on zoom, doing The Work, doing our morning walks on our own, pairing with another person, eating good meals, and noticing.
Saturday, May 16th, there will be no formal group session.
Instead, I’ll have office hours for anyone at all from 8am-9am Pacific Time/ 11am-Noon ET/ 4-5 pm UK.
Come ask about your work and any help you need in the process.
And here’s an unexpected surprise for anyone–not just those attending retreat–that won’t appeal to some of you, but to others, what a treat:
Saturday 10:15am-Noon Pacific Time everyone is invited to do moving meditation/dance on zoom online–yes, I know it sounds weird to go to a dance online (it is to be honest), but I’ve been doing this already with my husband Jon every week since the corona-covid thing and 35-65 people have joined us each week from all over the world.
We call it FreeForm Dance Dance and it was originally inspired by the freedom of dancing at the School for The Work, which reminded me of dancing in my living room with my sisters growing up.
I had almost forgotten how fun that was. So we made a dance for the experience of joyous spontaneous movement.
We make a special very eclectic set list with all kinds of music and the dance is on and always different. Dance in your own living room. Dance your living turnarounds!
(Dance dance is open to anyone, not just retreat participants. You can always find out more here.)
So for Spring Retreat, let’s do The Work and get some inner spring deep cleaning underway.
Come to the first, the first-and-second, or attend all three days. If you can only attend one, it needs to be Thursday so we all start together and form a private circle. If you come to two, then you’ll attend Thursday and Friday only.
This way those who need to drop off from attending the whole event can drop away, but we won’t have new arrivals who need to catch up or feel confused about where we are.
I’ll be inviting those who sign up to clear your calendars of multiple other tasks, to allow yourself to take a break from the to-do list, and to use this time to care for your own soul in this work.
If you’re like me, it’s oddly difficult to sit still and be when the world is noisy and full of information, viruses, family time, and the never-ending self-improvement or home-improvement projects.
Spring Online Retreat enrollment here. Another thing I’ve changed, is the payment process. Now, it’s pay-from-the-heart sliding scale.
It just seemed like that would work better in these bizarre times–and maybe even all the time since life it like that.
Sometimes we have it, sometimes we don’t.
Once you get to the payment page, you’ll see an explanation of how to contribute the amount you’re able and willing to right now.
Recommended suggested amount is $60 for the first half-day session, $120 for the first two days, or $180 for the whole retreat.
Please feel free to give more if you feel drawn to help support (including helping others who can’t contribute much), or less if you’re not able to at the moment.
You’ll enter the amount of dollars you can pay in the “quantity” section of the payment page, which will then match the total dollars.
Write and let me know the days you’ll be attending if you aren’t coming to the whole thing.
Together, perhaps, we can drop our needs to do, or push against What Is….and share some precious time together in the Great Undoing of stressful thinking.
Need a breath of fresh air, when it comes to your darkish, nervous, or disturbed thinking?
Well here’s a fancy new spring idea, in the midst of strange, whacky and disturbing times where a lot of thoughts are getting born and re-born day by day:
Spring doors are opening to the Year of Inquiry, the ongoing membership community of folks sharing The Work together regularly in live online groups, in writing, and in partner pairing work.
Basically, we’re pretty into questioning our thoughts. We’re deeply interested in understanding happiness. We’re practicing making friends with reality.
And sure, maybe sometimes resistant to it, sometimes arguing, sometimes tired of it all….and yet sometimes incredibly inspired and inspiring, sometimes refreshed, and sometimes laughing, crying, or both at the same time.
In a good way.
We usually only open Year of Inquiry in September. But when three different people ask, and two recently joined who did YOI in the past but wanted to get connected again….
….it just seemed like picking up fellow passengers on the rough seas is a good idea.
We’ve got a pretty good ship, I’d say.
Small but mighty, as one beautiful YOI inquirer put it last year.
Even if you don’t feel you need “rescuing” exactly, we are an awfully fun group to be around, no matter what’s going on in the atmosphere.
We ask, we answer, we get the virus, we do The Work. (Yes, one of us has been on the front lines with “the” virus–she’s OK and back at home).
The inspiration is invaluable. I’m so grateful.
You can join Year of Inquiry for one month only, and then continue month-to-month as you wish, or sign up for a whole year (saving quite a bit).
Doors open this week basically. We start with a presentation/webinar thing on Monday April 6th at 9am PT called Living Our Turnarounds. You can watch the recording. It’s the topic for this particular month (we have one every month, topics like money, relationships, family-of-origin, body). Anyone who joins for a year now will be a part of YOI until May 1st, 2021.
Our YOI schedule for now:
Mondays 9am PT/ Noon ET/ 6pm CET
Tuesdays 5:30pm PT/ 8:30pm ET/ 8:30am Australian Western Time on Wednesdays
Wednesdays Noon PT/ 3pm ET/ 8pm UK
Thursdays 9am PT/ Noon ET/ 6pm CET
Fridays 9am PT/ Noon ET/ 6pm CET
If it feels right to join, we’d love to have you! If you have the need for scholarship, please don’t hesitate to write grace@workwithgrace.com and let me know your circumstance and what would work for you to pay from the heart.
Have you ever looked over at that other person, and thought “Jeez. They have it sooooo easy! It must be nice.”
Maybe a little drop of sarcasm in your voice.
You’ve got it harder.
They’re enjoying themselves, getting praise, support, security, freedom, attention, love or whatever else is wanted or desirable.
I remember at the lowest of times in my divorce process long ago, I went for a walk in my neighborhood.
Only two blocks away was a completely different street.
The houses on the lake. With docks. And views. And grand entrances. Boats. Jet skis. Decks. Gardens. Room.
How’d they do this? Why didn’t I work harder at acquiring money? Why are they lucky, and not me? What’d I do wrong?
THEY have more freedom, support, fun.
What about relationships and love? How many times have I heard someone say they are so sad they’re single and if only they had a mate they’d be much better off?
Those people in committed relationships are happier, or more successful.
Is it really true?
What about enlightenment. There he is blissfully “awake”. He must have done something right. I wish I could be like that.
Hmmmm.
Let’s do The Work.
They have it better than me. Picture those others who have it better.
Is it true? Absolutely?
I have no idea, really.
It looks more fun, but I don’t know what’s actually happening within over there. I’ve talked with plenty of unhappy and very wealthy people. I’ve talked with single, joyful people and exceptionally unhappy married people. I’ve talked with people who are very sick and dying who are deeply at peace. I’ve spoken with people who woke up or had enlightening experiences who still feel the suffering of the world, or worry about the environment, or who have heart-breaking emotions and thoughts.
I just don’t know. Happiness doesn’t seem to depend on the circumstances or condition called “having money” or “having a partner” or “having a job” or “being single” or “getting enlightened”.
I dated someone many years ago who was off his rocker with anxiety, and one of the more wealthy top real estate agents in his area, supposedly.
He said himself it wasn’t fun, or free.
But, for me and this past inquiry, still there was this persistent thought that those who can afford the house on the lake must be having a better time than me.
What happens when I believe they’re having a better time than I am?
Dread. Jealousy.
Longing. Envy.
Lonely. Desperate.
Isolated.
Disconnected. Settling. Withdrawn. Giving up. Not trying.
ANGRY.
Very, very stressed.
So who would I be without this belief that they have it better than me?
Woah. What?!?
You mean….not think my story is the Truth?
Chuckle.
Staring at those other people, doing what they’re doing, smiles on their faces…..Pretty houses…..A couple walking along, talking while holding hands……The spiritual teacher sitting in her chair…..
Who am I without my story that they have it better?
What if THIS is the right place to be, the place I am apparently located?
What if there is no better, or worse, but only what is in this moment for now?
What if seeing those other people, this other condition, is FOR me, not AGAINST me?
Can I find examples of how it works that I’m here, looking from whatever position in the universe this is, and seeing that image of a house, a person, money, a smile, a peaceful human, a happening….
….and notice it’s good to be in this place, now?
Turning the thought around: I have freedom, fun, support available to me right here, right now. I have love, connection, attention already. There is nothing missing or absent, except in my thinking. I am awake.
If you have a problem with people or with the state of the world, I invite you to put your stressful thoughts on paper and question them, and to do it for the love of truth, not in order to save the world. Turn it around: save your own world. Isn’t that why you want to save the world in the first place? So that you can be happy? Well, skip the middleman, and be happy from here! You’re it. You’re the one. In this turnaround you remain active, but there’s no fear in it, no internal war. So it ceases to be war trying to teach peace. War can’t teach peace. Only peace can. ~ Byron Katie
I wanted money so that I could be happy.
I wanted love so that I could be happy.
I wanted time so that I could be happy.
I wanted health so that I could be happy.
I wanted enlightenment so that I could be happy.
Who would I be without my thoughts that it takes “that”, and I have to own it and call it “mine” in order to be happy?
Happy.
Happy enough, at the time way back then when thank goodness I had The Work, to ask one of my neighbors who owned one of those big fancy houses how he happened to live there, how he was able to afford it, and does he have any ideas for me about earning money?
Since it went well….I asked other people the same question.
Such freedom, fun, creativity, joy. It wasn’t about giving up and not trying.
I followed my own path, the unknown one.
Active, alive.
What might you do as a living turnaround to your predicament? Who can you consult, if you have a bubbling question arising? What might you be aware of, or feel, in this moment as you gaze at that other scene, without comparison or division from it?
(I love noticing when I’m looking at something I think I don’t have, I actually do have it. I’m with it, united, in that moment of consciousness as it has entered my world).
HOW would you be without your story?
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If it feels right, we’d love to have you in Year of Inquiry. There are no requirements. You come to whatever you want; live, written, partners. A smorgasbord is offered for inquiry in community to support you keeping the practice alive, and you choose what’s right for you. Join us here.
This whole virus mayhem is pretty intense. Around here, a friend of mine was referring to it as the zombie apocalypse.
Which totally cracks me up.
But this doesn’t mean I’m not in here with you, aware of the actual reality unfolding around us, watching with deep interest.
As someone in Year of Inquiry said last week….“shit’s gettin’ real”.
So for Facebook Live Mondays (usually at 2:30pm PT) on my regular Work With Grace page I walked through a belief that came up in Year of Inquiry group:
“Death is coming”.
Just a little light music for your inquiry listening pleasure.
LOL.
Is it true the D word is coming?
Yes it is.
Can you absolutely know it’s true?
Not in the way I’m believing and thinking “death” is, when I say “death is coming”. I feel foreboding, sadness, grief, anxiety…but can I know it’s true that “death” means what I think it means…and that what I think it means is coming?
No.
So what happens when I think “death is coming” and I’m listening to news about The Virus?
I really, really start to wonder what it’s like for people with this virus. Like, are they ALL insanely sick? Would I be a good candidate for death? Is my immune system good, and what about my family? What about the neighbors?
Will I be bored, with all this Not Leaving The House stuff?
Did I leave the house all that much already?
Will I be going to France in June to teach retreat, or maybe not after all?
And what about May Retreat in Seattle? That one already seems like it’s a no brainer as in Not Gonna Happen.
Although, someone asked for it online and that idea sounds fun and very possible. (More on this below).
What happens when I believe the thought that things are going to END? FOREVER?! (Isn’t that what death is)?
Images of what it might feel like to die, to suffer, to have a fever, to not be able to breath, to run out of food, to use grass from the front yard for toilet paper.
So who would you be without the thought “death is coming”?
What if it was more like using the tone you’d use when an old friend is coming by who you haven’t seen in years….
….Wow! Death is coming! OMG this is so exciting!
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Question four is simply who I’d be without the belief that it’s coming?
Hmmm.
Silence.
Unknown.
In that blank moment, I look out the window on this sunny spring afternoon in between clients and groups I run on zoom, and the facebook LIVE a few hours ago, and wonder what that actually means at all, to say “death is coming”?
Families walk by with kids on scooters. A group of teenagers, everyone laughing, speed past on skateboards. Bikers pass. A crow lands in the cherry tree. Four adults with dogs on leashes, meander by, talking loudly with smiles. Wind chimes wave in the breeze.
Back here now, without the thought. Aware of this temporary life, this temporary moment, unique, passing through, already changed.
Quiet, spacious. Jet plane sound (someone’s still flying apparently).
Not in denial, aware, and seeing all of this. All This. Like a sweeping hand in a moment of gesturing at everything in every direction.
All This.
Beautiful for a moment. So beautiful. So very quiet without thought.
Turning it around: My thinking is coming….especially about death.
It’s actually already here, I notice.
All the news and circumstances and imaginings of the future, and images in my head of photos I’ve seen at the top of articles about The Virus.
Breathing tubes and hazmat suits and weird round purple balls with pointy dots sticking out of them floating amongst pictures of cells.
Plus about 50 thousand emails from every list I’ve ever been on about their policies about the virus.
Turned around again: Life is coming. Death is NOT coming.
Could be that is just as true or true, or just as frightening (or more frightening). Chuckle.
What is death anyway, and why am I ever afraid of it coming? What is death? Nothingness? Unknown? Darkness? Forever gone? Infinity? Over? Done?
Could this be a most amazing adventure?
Nothing is coming. Mystery is coming. Emptiness is coming. Unknown is coming. Space is coming. Silence is coming. Forever is coming.
All of this not even coming….but already here. Unknown. Wild. Strange. Unusual. Mysterious. Wonderful. Brilliant. Dark. Light. Over.
One more day, never to happen ever again. Life ever morphing and evolving into something different.
If I were not against death, not against a virus, not against anyone and how they are, not against anything, not against What Is….who or what am I?
All I know is, that question makes me smile wide. And take a deep breath.
P.S. Spring Retreat online May 14-17, 2020 Pacific Time zone. Come for one half day or the whole thing. This is gonna be fun. Thursday 5/14 and Friday 5/15 9am – 6pm with meal break midday, Saturday afternoon 2:00-6:00pm (optional morning dancing–we will see if online or in-person), Sunday 9am-11:45am. How to sign up? Stay tuned.
One of the newer things we’re doing on Peace Talk podcast is Sessions in The Work. These are solo sessions where someone walks through their dilemma on a topic with me and takes one concept through the inquiry process.
My next guest brings a very common dilemma to awareness; the great question of whether I should stay or I should go in a primary love relationship?
You may find it very familiar, and the story-telling and analysis we do around this dilemma, and the stress of the belief “I made a mistake by marrying this person”.
The thoughts about relationship and communicating and being with someone else (or not being with someone else) carry on like an old record playing in an abandoned city.
Maybe something very dramatic like Chernobyl.
Thoughts like:
he abandoned me
if only…
I wonder where so-and-so is now (accompanied by googling or facebooking the name)
she has a better life financially because of who she’s partnered with
we aren’t compatible
I work with people all the time on relationship dilemmas and they have all these thoughts, and more.
Just in the past couple of weeks I’ve heard the following thoughts:
being partnered is sooooo much better than being single–and since I’m single I’m sad
it’s important to find someone to take care of you or to have fun with who lives with you all the time
finances are much easier when you’re married
I’m doomed to live a life of boredom and lovelessness in my current relationship
I’ve lost the love of my life
my life is over since I’m divorced
Tremendous agony is felt with all this thinking and imagining about love. Love lost, love found, love desired, love unwanted.
But is the story we’re telling actually true?
Can we absolutely know it’s true?
What happens when you think that same old thought about relationship?
For example.
I have a thing about spaces looking neat and tidy and fairly empty-ish.
This past weekend, with the help of my mom and a hired worker, there was a lot of clean-up happening in my back yard where there’s been a small building project: a studio apartment for my mother’s future home.
During the weekend, my mind erupted in a little memory of a house project two summers ago with my husband: cleaning out the shed, which also sits in the back yard.
Those two summers ago, I had put on the weekend calendar in August “Clean Out Shed” and told our young adult kids about it. It was scheduled.
Boxes and boxes and old tools and filing cabinets and bicycles and equipment and camping items all get stored in this shed in the back yard. Many boxes were unlabeled and only 1/3 full of stuff, like old papers or my husband’s stamp collection.
No one joined me that long ago August weekend. I rearranged the boxes basically, and got some stuff removed to the dump or donation.
Now, with current painting and upkeep needed for this same shed, I circled back to the desire to get it cleaned out and organized.
Yesterday, I asked my husband if we could plan that again for this upcoming summer….five or six months away.
He wasn’t ready to make the plan. I suddenly had pictures appear in my head of tubs and boxes and disappointment from the previous attempt.
It’s happening again! GASP!
The shed will never, ever, ever get cleaned out! It will always be hard to get the bicycles out! This will never be fixed in life!
Now….this is a tiny minor thing in the big scheme of relationship conversations. And it still felt like literally a momentary internal seizure, an eruption, a punch of frustration.
I demand this gets done!!
My husband said I eye-rolled him.
Oh. Sigh.
Shoot.
The jolt of believing a stressful thought, and then aware I need to inquire.
With inquiry, I pause the forward motion of the dreadful story. I notice the picture in my mind is of the past, not the future.
Image of the past drops.
I apologize. He was right.
Real conversation about expectations happen.
Who would I be without my story?
A normal, calm, kind person making a suggestion and a request and waiting for the response.
I heard that he thought “clean out the shed” meant he was supposed to throw everything he owned in the shed away.
My words have been confusing the whole time. I didn’t mean “clean out”…I meant “organize”.
The image of the future became completely and entirely different: having fun removing boxes, spreading them out on the lawn and deck. Seeing what’s inside. Deciding with delight to save it, or to give it away, or to throw it away.
Noticing the joy of sorting through stuff, that it takes as long as it takes.
Noticing the fun of making a plan for a future month when the weather is better, and that’s OK.
Noticing right now is peaceful, and images of the future are all made up–whether positive images or negative images–and I have no idea really what will happen.
All is well.
Feeling right now the present moment, with unfinished and finished all here when it comes to tasks, and nothing actually required at the moment.
Could this be also true about any decisions about the future that are more drastic or dramatic when it comes to being connected with a partner?
TurnAround: My thinking needs to be cleaned out and organized right now, we do not need to make a full plan to clean out and organize the shed (or the whole relationship) right now, today is OK just the way it is. I did not make a mistake. I made a correction. My thinking made a mistake.
Listen HERE to Peace Talk Podcast Episode 156 to explore the a key belief about relationship investigation “I made a mistake in marrying this person”.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Spring Cleaning Retreat in May is for any thinking that feels, well, dirty. Cluttered, messy, sloppy. We will have an amazing time un-cluttering, tidying up, relaxing, understanding, clarifying. Learn more here. (Check out the new not-quite-fully-released website of all things Work With Grace and Eating Peace while you’re at it)!
Ever feel totally abandoned in a primary love relationship? In conflict? Arguing? Critical? Wondering what went wrong?
When we have relating troubles in a romantic, love relationship we can feel utterly hopeless, or terrified.
Breaking up, separation….divorce.
We promised, things looked beautiful, it was good and exciting.
Then something happened. Maybe very slowly over time. Maybe suddenly. Maybe you wondered from the beginning if this was going to work out.
If you’ve found yourself thinking and feeling any kind of suffering around a relationship transition–dating, committed, married, separated, complicated–then you’re invited to The Work with my co-facilitator and I in the new year on this topic.
We’ve both been there, we know what it’s like to have agonizing, sleepless nights about a relationship we thought at one time was wonderful….and then, not so much….
You don’t need to be divorced or broken up already, you can be considering it and looking closely at the fear, worry and sadness. What we’re doing in this course is looking at our minds and our thinking, and seeing more clearly without the brutal suffering.
Love to have you join us in January on Sundays. We meet at 11:00am Pacific Time, 2:00 pm Eastern Time, 7:00 pm UK for 90 minutes each week, with lots of support in between in our special online forum and pairing with others in between.
New year, new perspective, new way of relating and being in relationship.
Remembering my own divorce experience, and break-ups before and after that….oh what wild rides.
A Grace Note post from the past jumped out, after I recently worked with another inquirer on being newly single.
I share it with you today, as each person I work with who is going through some kind of mental pain, I learn from and am very touched.
It takes courage and willingness to question your thoughts.
Or, OK. It takes courage and willingness to even ADMIT your thoughts, which is the very first step.
The other day, for example, I worked with an amazing person who really touched me.
She was so unhappy because a love relationship had gone south quite dramatically, and ended.
She was so sad, she could hardly contain her grief and rage all mixed together. Her thoughts kept turning to herself, and how she was the one who screwed up and if she hadn’t said x, y, z or threatened to break up with him three months ago, this terrible ending wouldn’t have occurred.
I’ve known that voice that condemns the self. It’s dreadful.
But what if you paused before the beliefs come in about how rotten, stupid, and ugly you are?
Those thoughts only exist when you believe this situation shouldn’t have happened. It’s like we take out the whip and start beating ourselves with it mentally, for punishment of this crime of causing something to go wrong.
Are you sure a break-up or change or ending or move in another direction….IS wrong for you? For the other person? For the greater good?
Can you absolutely be sure it’s terrible?
Even if you say “yes” it’s a horrible thing….keep going with inquiry anyway.
How do you react when you believe the break-up, divorce, or getting fired is BAD BAD BAD?
Isn’t that when you begin to hate yourself, or think of yourself as unworthy?
Who would you be without this painful story?
I’m not saying a break-up isn’t shocking. It is sometimes. It’s unexpected, a surprise, and you may not have seen it coming. (And we could question that we should have).
“
If we’re even one breath more or one breath less than anyone else, we’re not at home.” ~ Byron Katie
But what if the turnaround is just as true, or truer….that this ending, break-up, divorce, cut-off is good? Or interesting, fitting. Perhaps it has an important invitation.
When I was getting divorced, I sat with this turnaround for a very long time….many times, honestly. And I found examples of why it was good this had happened.
It brought me to know myself in a way previously impossible to reach. It gave the the beauty of becoming comfortable, and then ecstatic, with silence. It gave me so much time to meditate and read.
It gave me the power to question my thoughts like wildfire.
My thinking was the only thing that was painful. I got it.
“We do not need to go out and find love; rather, we need to be still and let love discover us.” ~ John O’Donohue
If you find yourself having gone through a relationship that ended with suffering, at any time in life (some people take this course who got divorced 30 years before)….
….then you are welcome to sit with Nadine and I in this beautiful practice called The Work, and find your freedom.
