Month: October 2017

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Do you have a haunted house? You can be your own exorcist with The Work!

It’s funny how we have thoughts, and instantly believe them without question–at least that’s how my mind has worked.

You can spook yourself instantly, by believing.

Have you noticed?

It doesn’t take Halloween ghosties and goblins to scare you. Your own inner Haunted House, the one that holds your painful thoughts, can do the job on any day or night.

But if you don’t really want to haunt yourself with your thinking anymore, you can study anything you fear more closely.

One of my favorite things to study, hands down, is a stressful thought. By sitting with it for awhile, you can explore why, how, where you might have learned it or “bought” it or started carrying it around with you…..where you began to believe it to be true.

The best question for exploring a fearful thought in depth is to ask the following: What do I think this belief means? What does it mean about me? About the world? About someone else or a group of people? What does it mean about my future? Or my past?

In other words, what meaning am I placing on that thought.

The other day, I heard Byron Katie refer to the “meaning” we put on a thought, or a concept, or a story as being like a post-it note.

You grasp the story title, or the meaning, or the whole general feeling of that situation you dislike, and it’s as if you wrote it on a bright green post-it note, or a bright neon yellow post-it note, or maybe a pink one….

….and that’s your label of that situation.

No questioning it. Just assuming it to be true!

For example, you may have had the thought about a partner, just like I have: “he’s boring”. 

There he is watching TV in the den. (Or you can pick your moment that proves that person IS boring).

You’ve got a blue post-it note that has written on it “BORING PARTNER”. Your heart sinks. You wish there was someone around to have a stimulating intellectual conversation with. You want more entertainment in this moment here, right now. Maybe you even feel sorry for yourself because this is yet another boring partner in a string of them. Or you criticize yourself for always being critical.

The whole story is a bit sad, and blue (hence the blue post-it note).

Self-inquiry to the rescue! And let’s use these exploratory questions to dig a little deeper.

What do you think it means, your partner is over there being boring, watching TV? What does it mean about him, about you, about life?

If my partner is boringly watching TV, it means:

  • I must seek excitement elsewhere
  • I am not close to my partner
  • our interests should be the same, but they aren’t
  • he loves something I dislike (TV) so we are incompatible
  • he doesn’t care about using his time well
  • he doesn’t care about being creative
  • he’s addicted to the screen
You may have other different thoughts that come to mind. But the fun thing is, no matter what they are….you can question every one of them, one at a time.

 

Is this story true?

 

You can also ask what you think each one of these new additional concepts means and keep adding to your list of stressful or fearful beliefs.

 

What does it mean that we’re incompatible, for example? Oh no! It means we should break up! Which means we’re getting divorced! Which means I’ll be alone! Which means I need to work harder than I’m already working so I have enough money! Which means I need to find a new partner!

 

(Talk about Haunted Houses….jeez)!

 

See how the mind strings together an image of seeing someone I love watching TV, and it turns into needing to find a new partner?

 

That mind. Silly Rabbit.

 

Always running around in wild directions so speedy quick, dashing into the future or the past chaotically.

 

Who would I be without my story “Boring Partner” and everything I think it means?

 

I’d be laughing.

 

I’d be carrying on with my activity. I’d be noticing Man Enjoying Himself. I’d be free to be with myself and notice the splendor of the moment. Me moving with the flow, dancing with the world which in only a flash of a moment had a man-watching-TV in it.

 

Noticing I move back out of the room with TV, drawn to another place joyfully. Noticing a relaxed body, a part of the mind totally open to whatever happens next with wherever this is going.

 

What a ride! And a stress-free one!

 

I don’t know about you, but when I have a haunted thought….I’d rather question it than scream.

 

Or OK, you can go ahead and scream for the fun of it first, but then….take your belief through inquiry.

 

Best way to exorcise your fearful thoughts ever.

Much love,

Grace

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How relaxed can you get? Let’s question the HURRY story.

You know that panicked voice in the head screaming GO! GO! MOVE! NOW!

Especially when it’s not really a true emergency?

I appears there’s a frantic underlying belief when it comes to compulsive behavior, or addictive behavior, of any kind.

Eating and food were my focus of urgency when I had the thought.

I must eat something sweet immediately! I have to get some food NOW!

The compulsion feels like an emergency.

But really, you don’t have to have ever had a single compulsive bite of food.

Most people have experienced a compulsive bite of thought, however.

What do I mean by compulsive thought?

The dictionary defines compulsion as riveting, fascinating, compelling, gripping, engrossing, enthralling, captivating, irresistible, uncontrollable, overwhelming, urgent, obsessive.

Have you noticed your thoughts have to have this kind of energy before you actually DO something compulsive?

It’s like this: I have a thought that frightens me, and I believe it’s real and true.

It happens in two milliseconds flat.

I’m a believer!

It doesn’t cross my mind to question whether or not the idea was true, or to question my conclusions, or the stressful things I’m imagining.

Nope, I simply decided without question what that person said about me, or what happened, or what will happen, and what I’m feeling….are threatening.

What’s happening isn’t good.

Help! Help! Help!

(Cut to chicken running around with head cut off).

Most people when they get scared begin to do everything possible to CALM DOWN.

Compulsion, addiction, temporary insanity, craving, urges, driven, wild, frenzied, wanting, needy, desperate, grabbing, crying, wailing, screaming, self-pity….

….oh boy.

The drama! The excitement!

And….the extreme suffering.

We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.

I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.

(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).

So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth about reality?

I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.

(How will I know what’s true if I don’t believe my mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)

But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.

To notice you ARE the freedom.

But if you’re not so sure yet how inquiry works when it comes to this thought that something has to happen NOW…..let’s inquire:

Is it true you need to move faster than a speeding bullet to either get food, get to solid ground, stop feeling nervous, run away right NOW?

No.

Cravings might be intense. You may want to indulge in your usual distraction activity, or comfort process. I notice, however, it doesn’t HAVE to happen NOW.

How do you react when you believe it’s urgent?

You’re eating before you know it. You’re yelling. You’re breaking up with your lover. You’re calling the divorce attorney. You’re sending emails you may regret later. You’re driving to buy drugs, or wine.

Who would you be without the belief you have to do it NOW?

What if you feel all fired up, but you didn’t believe you had to respond as if it was imperative, critical, required right now?

It’s a strange and interesting and wild feeling, to sit with turmoil in the mind, and even the body and heart….but not respond as if it’s absolutely true.

Without the thought you have to eat? Or scream? Or end your relationship? Or send that email? Or use drugs or alcohol?

Such a relief, really, that it’s not required.

It doesn’t mean you’ll do nothing. But to relax, inquire, and move from there instead of the wild compulsive feeling is so much clearer and feels so much more centered.

It’s not destructive either. To you, or to those you love.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT have to eat something sweet immediately! I don’t have to eat anything right now. I do not have to escape. It’s not urgent. 

Could this be just as true, or truer?

I notice it’s far more true than the original statement.

Turning the thought around again: My thinking has to sweeten immediately! My thoughts are compulsive right now. I have to escape my thinking. My thoughts are imagining urgency, chaos, threats.

What I notice, is this was entirely true every single time I ever had the compulsion to overeat urgently, or to binge eat: I needed to question my thinking, to make friends with my feelings, to relax.

“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into fight-or-flight, not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Amazing to realize it’s possible to question your fearful, urgent thinking, and change your fearful, urgent behaviors. The best news of all is they just naturally change, without you really trying or managing or getting more willpower or control.

Questioning your thoughts is soooo worth it. It really does mean freedom.

If you’d like to join my November Eating Peace webinar, I’ll talk all about beliefs that frequently cause eating battles, starting with this “urgent” belief….and how to dissolve it.

If this topic interests you, then reserve your seat for the live webinar immersion class HERE (there will be a recording made for replay). You’ll receive an email immediately with three options for attending: November 4th 7:30 am, November 7th 4:00 pm and November 9th 8:00 am. At the very end of the webinar, I’ll share about the upcoming Eating Peace Process beginning November 14th.

Eating Peace Process webinar
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We eat as a result of what we think and feel. Here’s how to reverse engineer eating battles, and change our thinking.

Eating at night used to be a difficult, embattled, frequent experience for me.

It’s not uncommon….I’ve heard and worked with many others who have the same experience.

Evening is “down” time.

Night time is “free” time.

“Empty” time.

This was the time when I wasn’t working, or studying, or training physically, or self-improving (at least, I wanted NOT to be doing these things).

I also didn’t have to be out there in the world in contact with people.

I could have my own space to do as I wished.

The thing is, when I finally said “OK, it’s free time, so let’s do something fun!” my mind would go through the rounds of what “fun” is and hesitate or eliminate them because of guilt.

“You should clean out the garage, or at least get started. You should start on the taxes. You should do the dishes. You should do something productive. You should watch an educational video.”

I had free time, but the mind would start thinking about all the things I should be doing.

What I really wanted was some escape from the relentless task-master mind that couldn’t give me more than a five minute break from being highly productive, completing things, handling projects, and “doing, doing, doing”.

I still have this tendency to “do” quite a lot. (But it’s more restful than it once was).

What do you think happens when someone is yelling at you to do all the unfinished projects you haven’t completed yet?

If you’re like me (which you probably are if you’re interested in eating peace) then your first thought is often to get away from that dictator yelling at you to accomplish stuff! Even if the dictator is YOU! Especially if it’s you!

What a great way to rebel fiercely, gobble sweetness and comfort, find solace, get comfortable, throw it all to the wind: EAT!!!

It was almost like I had a rebel voice inside that would say “Screw it, I’ll do whatever I want…where’s the food!?”

Eating at night turned out to override the dictator mind, but it didn’t last.

And then, it got worse.

That same mind that was trying to be rebellious and gain distraction or comfort by eating, turned into a raging nasty mean one by saying “You did it again. What’s wrong with you? You’re such a loser. You’re selfish, piggish and greedy to eat so much and not be able to stop. Why should you even bother living?”

It’s like a split personality, that mind. Encouraging you to eat, then criticizing you for eating. Completely insane!

What I didn’t know at the time, was that my eating was a by-product, or a direct result, of my thinking.

I thought confused, mean, attacking thoughts. I thought desperate, victimized, I-need-comfort thoughts. I thought of myself as a victim. (I was. Of my own thoughts). I thought food was my best friend, and then my worst enemy. I feared being too fat. I hated my body.

And these were just the thoughts related to food and eating!

I also had thoughts I believed that felt the same about family, neighbors, teachers, friends, siblings.

To be honest….the stressful, uncomfortable, troubling thoughts about family and people close to me in my world since childhood actually came first….before all the thoughts about food and eating and bodies. Or maybe some were simultaneously born, who knows, but one thing I do see is the following pattern:

Think – Feel – Act – Have

I thought something, I felt the consequences or response to that thought, I acted on the feeling, and the results were what I had.

It’s very speedy quick.

Today, I wanted to share more about the flow and pattern of Think – Feel – Act – Have and how I experienced it with off-balance eating.

The most important thing I found?

I couldn’t eat uncomfortably without feeling and thinking uncomfortably first!

Eating off-balance always followed feeling off-balance, which always followed thinking off-balance.

It’s great news in the end….because you can identify your thoughts, and then question them using The Work of Byron Katie. The power of inquiry is stunning.

It literally leads to slowing down the mind, which slows down the eating. At least that’s been my experience, and many others who want to learn to heal their eating from the inside out.

If you’d like to learn more about the way thoughts lead to eating, and how to understand the cycle, then please come join me for an upcoming webinar I do only once a year: Seven Stressful Thoughts That Keep People Struggling With Eating…And How To Dissolve Them.

This is a very rich, thorough masterclass-style webinar, where we meet once for this training. It will be 90 minutes (and maybe a little more depending on Q & A). I’ll offer it at the following three times, and you’ll be able to pick one, and join me, if you register.

  • Saturday, November 4th 7:30 am
  • Tuesday, November 7th 4:00 pm
  • Thursday, November 9th 8:00 am

I can’t wait to teach this class again (I always update and tweak it from previous times I’ve taught it). I’m so looking forward to sharing this path to eating peace with you.

Register for Eating Peace Webinar: Seven Stressful Thoughts to Question That Keep Eating a Battlefield and How To Turn Them Around To Declare Eating Peace HERE.

Much love,

Grace

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Speaking of relationships: Have you ever had a thought NOT about you?

The other day someone wrote to me she’s very interested in the Breitenbush retreat, except for one problem: She’s been happily married for over 30 years.

The thing is, Breitenbush retreat is not for looking at trouble in only primary committed relationships.

It’s for ALL or ANY relationships you feel upset about:

Mom, dad, sister, brother, uncle, boss, co-worker, aunt, son, daughter, friend, fellow student, driver, clerk, tech support helper, teacher, employee, co-worker, stranger, neighbor-down-the-street.

These people may have caused some trouble, right?

You can leave the ones alone who are amicable, easy and solid.

No need to question those relationships at all. I like how Byron Katie says about the good, favorable, fun thoughts “Keep those stories! They’re working for us!”

But any time you’ve felt resentful, disappointed, worried or confused by someone….and I mean anyone….then it’s worthy of inquiry.

Last night I had the privilege of sitting in the first introductory opening night of the School for The Work. What a beautiful crowd of folks showed up to dive into their School of Themselves.

Because that’s what we’re really drilling down into with this self-inquiry process called The Work. We’re taking what WE have noticed bothers us–and it can be anything–and investigating it.

This isn’t about what anyone else has noticed. It’s about YOUR life, what you’ve observed, what you’ve experienced. No one else has gone through what you have. It’s unique, powerful, and pretty amazing.

The other day, someone said he’s got no problems with other people. Relationships? Not an issue.

He said his primary concern is always himself.

Now, this is super common, and you can still do The Work. (YOU are your most important relationship, after all).

But it’s great to contemplate….are you really sure not one single other person has ever disturbed you in your entire life? Can you find small details of others in your world where you’ve thought there must be some mistake, they surprised you, criticized you, worried you, angered you?

These will be YOUR thoughts anyway, even if they are about another person! Your thoughts are the ones you’ll be identifying, then questioning.

It helps paint a clearer picture when you can identify something you dislike or feel nervous about, or feel sad about, when it comes to someone else.

I also like realizing that the only time I’ve ever had a problem with  myself was in some kind of relating….relationship as a verb.

The definition of relate is to make or show a connection between. So in relationships, I am exchanging communication of some kind with another person, or a thing.

I can ask myself if I comfortable with the relating, with the way I feel, as I talk, sit, touch, share time with another being?

Because if I am not comfortable….that’s a place for The Work. That’s what it’s about. Questioning these stressful stories of not feeling comfortable making or showing a connection to someone in life. It doesn’t matter if they long since passed away either. You still have an internal relationship with that person, on the inside.

(It’s really all about what’s inside the mind).

I’ve laughed and thought some relationships or ways of being in the world with humans felt like hell in the past. Literally I was terrified, angry, furious, abandoned.

But with The Work, you get to question what happened. I find out almost every time, I didn’t have the whole picture, I’m not the one in charge of the other person (or the universe), or I played a key part in the whole difficult way of relating that unfolded.

Relating happened. If it wasn’t fun….time to do The Work.

When I do The Work on any relationship in the world that’s ever bothered me, I find curiosity, laughter. I even find appreciation and gratitude.

Who would I be without my story about that person who bugged me? In heaven, not in hell.

Early-bird fee for the winter Breitenbush retreat is only $295 for 3 days (a very low fee to entice people to the gorgeous woods in the cold of winter). Early bird fee ends on October 31st. We begin Thursday evening December 7 and end Sunday Dec 10th at lunch. November 1st, the fee jumps to $395. Call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 if you want more information about lodging, travel or meals, and to sign up. They handle everything.

“You are a universe to discover. You’re soooo interested in YOU. Have you ever had a thought NOT about you? ” ~ Byron Katie

What an exciting gift to write down your stressful thoughts, no matter who or what they are about, no matter what kind of relationship you’ve had….

….and question them.

Ahhhhhh.

Much love,

Grace

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Questioning every thought, step by step, brings freedom faster than a short-cut

The beauty of sitting with others connecting in inquiry for 4 days is remarkable. I love hearing each and every person’s story, and how magnificent each person is in unraveling it, so it’s not running their lives anymore.

Everyone got to open the retreat on our first evening together by filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, slowly, carefully, thoughtfully–like a meditation. Writing their unhappiness on paper, so it’s frozen there in ink and can’t sneak away or be temporarily forgotten.

We get to write: This is what hurts. These are my thoughts. This is my story.

I must confess.

When I first started doing The Work, it felt so great just to write out an angry, disappointed or frightened JYN, it was like a genuine honest cathartic experience. I could rage, scream, call the person names on paper. I remember once writing with such vengeance, the paper tore under the pen point as I made my list of what I believed that person was like in the situation I was remembering.

Then….I’d take one or two thoughts through inquiry using the four questions, and wind up leaving the paper somewhere in a notebook, or throwing it in the trash if I didn’t want someone to find it in the household.

I had many piles of worksheets that went unfinished. I never worked through all the concepts on the worksheet.

And guess what happened?

That person bugged me again, either in my own thoughts OR they actually said something new that I found disturbing all over.

In other words, it came back. It repeated itself. It wasn’t over.

So in our recent retreat, we had the luxury of working through that entire first worksheet everyone wrote for themselves on the first night–the situation we most wanted to question right then.

For the first few concepts on the worksheet, people had the looks people often begin to have when doing The Work: a lightbulb is going off. Some weight is lifted from the situation.

Then, as we worked our way through the “I wants” and “she or he should” and “I need” and “they are”, it was hilarious how participants said “ugh, groan, not this same situation!”

Can’t I move on to a new JYN??!

LOL. I’ve had the exact same experience.

I felt so good after questioning only one thought from a worksheet, why keep going?! Do we have to beat a dead horse?

(In fact there were some dead-horse-beating jokes murmuring through the lovely group of inquirers on retreat together, and laughter).

But then, moving all the way through a worksheet, taking breaks, plugging away, working with different facilitators….

….what a treat.

That’s when true, deeper transformation can happen.

I could hear it.

‘Wow thank you for keeping us on track with investigating one situation so deeply.”

“Amazing, I had called the divorce lawyer, and now after this worksheet….I’m calling off the entire plan for separation.”

“Wow, I realize this situation I’m so afraid of is just my mind imagining the worst…..but the way I’m envisioning a frightening moment is only in my mind, and it’s not true!”

“My entire worksheet is almost funny now. It IS funny! I’m laughing!”

“I came to this retreat to resolve in my primary relationship and I’ve found it honestly–it’s not the way I wanted it to go, but I understand now what I’m unable to do.”

I was filled with gratitude at what I heard and witnessed with everyone’s beautiful work.

Which was really MY beautiful work.

I’ve had the same thoughts, and I got to hear them run through me like a river. “Is it true?” I’d see a picture of something in my own life. I’d see a picture of what I imagined THEIR situation to look like.

So today, I continue feeling grateful for all the people who came to help me in my own work for four days of misty wet autumn, so that I can experience the peace of freedom from believing the mind that says “life is hard, life is painful, things can go wrong” and turn all this around to “life is easy, life is gentle, things can go right”.

Only in my thinking do things go wrong.

If you’d like to come do this brilliant freedom work–where you find your own answers, always–and question your suffering especially about anyone in your life you’ve found difficult to deal with….

….then consider coming to Breitenbush in early December.

We’ll be cozy in the magnificent old-growth woods, you’ll have quiet warm cabins to stay in, all meals will be served (organic, vegetarian, delicious) and there will be hot springs to soak in on your breaks in the crisp forest air all around.

We’ve got plenty of space still, and the early-bird fee for the winter Breitenbush retreat is only $295 for 3 days. Early bird fee ends on October 31st. We begin Thursday evening December 7 and end Sunday Dec 10th at lunch. November 1st, the fee jumps to $395. Call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 if you want more information about lodging, travel or meals, and to sign up. They handle everything for this one.

And here’s one of my favorite things about this upcoming December retreat: my life partner Jon will be joining us, and he and I will be sharing some of the fun, hilarity, fear, and joy about inquiring on someone very close–like a husband or wife.

We can’t wait to be with everyone who shows up to do The Work with us.

Come have a quiet winter rejuvenating retreat, just in time before the holidays (which have been known to contain a stressful thought about loved ones…or two….or three).

“Judge your neighbor, write it down, ask four questions, turn it around. Who says that freedom has to be complicated?” ~ Byron Katie

What an exciting gift!

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Tonight, I’ll be serving on staff at the School for The Work in Ojai, California with Byron Katie. Can’t wait to share with you what I learn along the way. xo

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How do we question thoughts that fuel eating? Like this.

Sometimes we have to improvise or make a small change in order to respond to the way reality and life is flowing.

I just did it this morning.

I made an eating peace video for you on my front porch instead of in my little kitchen inside my cottage, the way I usually do. I’m teaching a four day retreat on The Work of Byron Katie and a lovely group have come from all corners of the US and Canada to sit and question thoughts.

While the focus of this autumn retreat underway right now isn’t specifically about eating (Eating Peace Retreat is Jan 11-15), some of the folks attending can totally relate to food or weight being a problem….and they know questioning stress in their lives can help reduce the compulsion to overeat, or compulsion to over-think really, about food.

What I’m sharing today?

I’m talking about how simple it is to question your stressful thoughts about feeling uncomfortable, feeling fear, feeling powerless.

Except I know, it’s NOT that easy for us sometimes.

We feel really uncomfortable and troubled….but we don’t even know why.

And the next thing we know, we’re eating.

But it may not be as hard as you think to deal with painful and difficult emotions.

Start with only one single situation, one person who hurt you, betrayed you, frightened you. Don’t start with YOU either. We get so tempted to examine and investigate ourselves, but it doesn’t work as well if you do this (so much effort to self-improve).

I always found my discomfort rose out of reactions to other people, worry about how they felt AND about how I felt.

So start there, with someone else who’s had an impact on your life.

Now…I also mention in the video that if all you can think of is a stressful thought about eating, like “I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING NOW!” then it’s OK to start right there, because it’s so front and center.

You can question any stressful, demanding, frightened thought.

I always use The Work of Byron Katie. The step-by-step process works so beautifully.

You can trust it. Follow the simple directions.

If improvising and making changes in your daily routine causes stress, question the thoughts you have about change.

Who would you be without your troubling story?

Much love,

Grace

P.S.  Next week, I’ll be sending out word about how to register for a free webinar: Seven Beliefs to Question, Seven Turnarounds to Live–Using The Work to Return to Sanity and Eating Peace. These will meet November 4, 7 and 9th. Stay tuned. I’ll share about the Eating Peace Process program at the very end of the webinar, for those interested in joining with others to question your thinking when it comes to food, eating, the body, feelings, and life.

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Boldly go where no mind has ever been before….or at least yours

There’s nothing like gathering with a group of people for the sole purpose of questioning our stressful thinking.

Our autumn retreat collected last night in a cozy, gorgeous living room with soft light, a fire place, big comfy chairs, and a piano in the corner.

The rain had drummed down all day long, and still it hadn’t stopped. People arrived in dripping coats from Florida, California, Arizona, Whidbey Island, Oregon, Olympia, Idaho, Seattle. Cups of tea, introductions, and then….the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Spending time with the very first step, the one where we identify the thoughts that bring us pain, is soooooo powerful to do slowly….and difficult, too.

We’re visiting a scene we don’t like. Perhaps a scene we wish had never, ever happened. Sometimes, the memory is so painful, we feel disturbed right here in this moment now, the one where we’re writing these thoughts down.

Last night I shared something I recalled Byron Katie saying once, although I don’t remember the exact quote: I’m asking you to go to hell. It’s not easy.

I also know, from experience, that it’s not easy NOT to go there.

If you try to plug a hose, it’s going to eventually burst the faucet, and before it gets to the bursting point, the pressure will be enormous, right? To suppress, repress, hold down, or hold back the emotions that want to be expressed from that troubling situation is really hard. It takes work, energy, and “keeping it together”, as they say.

It’s very stressful. Full of Stress.

The way I see it now, after doing The Work so often in my life, is how much better it is, every time, when I take the lid off and write honestly on a situation that hurt.

For a long time, I didn’t know what Katie was talking about when she said she began to get excited if she had a “thought” that was in any way stressful, even just a little.

I did The Work, but I never thought it was exciting that I was having a stressful experience I could now investigate.

I mean, really?

This sad memory is NOT exciting. Nor is this one where I felt betrayed. Or that one where I felt terrified.

Yet something in me knew I had no choice but to do The Work. It was either that or become an addict of some kind to keep the memories and emotions at bay.

But somewhere along the way, miracle of miracles, I had the thought one day when I had a difficult exchange with someone I loved….”Hmmm, this is exciting. Let’s take a look.”

And then “wow, did I just say that”?

I felt that last night when everyone was sharing their first Judge Your Neighbor worksheet….the depth, the heartbreak, the courage to sit with a painful moment in their lives, and write about it.

So profound, such a privilege, so very moved by these human conditions and situations, and knowing what can become of exploring them with The Work.

It is exciting. I want to know about every single person’s situation and what they share. It’s like I feel a surge of thinking “oh my, yes, we have to look at that moment, that is an amazing human moment and it sounds so tough….let’s find out what’s true and see what happens.”

I don’t even know where it will go. None of us do. You have to “do” The Work to see.

But it’s always fascinating, interesting, and very often inspiring, and life-changing.

“It takes an open mind to question your certainties. It takes a mind that is fearless in its journey inward, a mind willing to go to places it has never been before.” ~ Byron Katie

I love when people appear in my world, ready to show me such fearlessness to take a journey inward. Where they are willing to go where their mind has ever been before. So grateful.

Much love,

Grace

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If you feel lame, it’s OK to have hope (+ Eating Peace new eBook)

Lately I’m doing a ton mega-work on looking at eating and compulsion (or really any addiction of any kind) issues. 

My favorite!

(Haha, not really….well, OK, maybe now that I’ve investigated stories and beliefs, it really kinda is my favorite, but in the thick of it, not so much).

One thing I’ve realized in the experience of whatever addiction actually is…..it’s never hopeless.

Never, ever.

(News flash: if you’re interested in Eating Peace, you can download the new eating peace ebooklet with a seven-day-practice guide to daily steps to inquiry and peace: HERE.)

Once I had a young man come to work with me who felt excruciatingly fearful about avoiding drugs when he felt drawn to them, but also living his life each day in a new location where he didn’t know anyone, and no family was around.

He felt utterly hopeless one morning. Like he couldn’t leave his apartment. HOPELESS.

And yet, when we took at look at what actually happened, he left. He didn’t THINK he could leave, but he did. He called for help.

Something happened, then something else. Change unfolded.

It wasn’t entirely completely absolutely hopeless, even though he THOUGHT it was for awhile. (And I remember having this same kind of thought myself).

If you think it is hopeless, you can question this belief. It’s just a belief, an idea, thrown out by the mind.

Is it true?

I could never, even in the worst nightmare of addiction, find that it was absolutely true, without any doubt at all.

I lived.

Even if my mind was churning out devastated, furious, vicious thoughts about life, it was never true.

Thoughts like: you are all alone, you are a piece of shi*t, you are unloveable, the world is a terrible place, you’re a failure.

I mean, that thing can get nasty, right?

But who are you, without the belief you your situation is hopeless?

Your addictive pattern, your income, your location, your life…who would you be without the bitter thought that it’s hopeless?

Huh.

Without the thought?

I don’t even know what to say.

But it does make me pause a moment. Whatever “me” is. And whatever “pausing” is. And whatever “hope” is.

I can wonder….who would I be?

Sometimes this Question Four: who would you be without your story….is a strange act of imagination.

When you’re in the thick of fear and dread, you have no idea of the answer. And yet the mind can STILL WONDER who you’d be?

You might come up with possibilities, ideas, you might even be able to paint a picture of what Someone (not you) would be like without that dreadful story.

That’s YOUR mind, able to imagine and come up with answers.

You’re good at the opposite, dark, haunting, violent, horror imagined stories….why not use your imagination for a little of the opposite for once?

Just saying.

Turning the thought around: it’s hopeful. It’s not hopeless.

Whatever “hope” is, is not actually required (the biggest turnaround). My thinking is hopeless….not me, not the world, not everything in my life. Hope is not a “thing” and not even important.

Oooh.

That’s true.

Can you find examples, no matter how small, of how things are rather hopeful around here? Or how whatever they are, hope isn’t needed?

Yes.

Autumn late afternoon sun beaming on fresh green wet grass. Wild bunnies racing down the road to escape the car. Traffic sounds from rush hour people driving from work. Silence in the evening air.

People I worked with today feeling different than they felt last week when we met. Two days from now, all the people coming for retreat here in Seattle–everyone coming to join with me (amazing) to question thoughts, and change our world.

I took a tour of the retreat house I’ll be teaching at two evenings from now. I was so grateful for the beauty of the place, how gorgeous it’s set up. The location is stunning, and it supports the process of inquiry. Almost no profit for this retreat, due to expenses.

But hopeful?

Why not. And right now, what’s true is quiet tapping of fingers on keyboard. No retreat in sight. Beautiful kitchen table. Friendly laptop. Pretty pink phone. Calendar open to November since that’s the next time I can make any client appointments.

This moment, glorious.

“Hope means intentionally using the idea of a future to keep you from experiencing the present. It’s a crutch, but if you feel lame, use it.” ~ Byron Katie

Hope is not required for happiness right now, I notice. Strange, but true.

And, I can open up to hope, if I feel lame, like I’m limping, like I’m not making it, like I keep dropping into my addictions, like I fall in the hole 50 times a day.

Then maybe the future looks better. But right now? Maybe it’s not as bad as you think. No, really.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Last minute thought to join retreat? You’d be welcome. Reply to this Grace Note. Join us–4 days in The Work.

P.P.S. If you have special interest in ending eating battles of any kind–obsessing about food, body, weight, exercise–then download this guide and let me know if it’s helpful. I’d really love to know. Download it HERE. Share it with others who you think would benefit.

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Slow as Molasses: The first belief to stand on to change your eating

My grandma used to comment and shake her head and my three sisters and I if she was taking us out……
“Slow as molasses”.
She always had a twinkle in her eye, and loved going on adventures.
The other day, I thought of her as I was spending some time with a little ebook I’ve written in the past, updating and changing it and adding to it.
I wanted to bring you an exercise you can do every single day for seven days….after considering the seven tricky and common beliefs people (including me) think that tend to keep us conflicted and in the middle of eating wars, not so much eating peace.
I like easy step-by-step recipes. Not long ago, I downloaded a lovely seven days of different green smoothies, and it made trying a new smoothie each day for seven days so incredibly easy! I wanted to give you a sense of one small thing you can do each day too, to help with self-inquiry and eating issues of any kind. To download the updated Eating Peace guide, click here. (Feedback welcome).
I know following a process isn’t always easy, when it comes to the mind. The mind is so fast, and so full. But that’s what I love so much about The Work of Byron Katie.
It’s a way to focus on one specific single dilemma, conflict, or painful belief, and explore it to see if it’s really true for you….step-by-step. What a relief to follow the directions, and investigate, and find the turnarounds.
Today, I made a video for you to share about exploring the very first painful belief I share in the Eating Peace eguide: Urgency.
I used to eat super fast. When I binged, I had a constant flow of energy to get more, more, more. Hardly tasting the thing I was currently eating before grabbing for the next bite.
Even slow graze-eating all evening, I would have a restless buzzing where I couldn’t stop. Or at least, I believed I couldn’t.
Believing there was a deep imperative need to go as fast as possible (fear, anxiety, demand, forcefulness) for many years blocked me from seeing many other thoughts I had that I might have been able to question, had I slowed down for two seconds.
To keep it simple, we’re only beginning with this extremely common shout the mind sometimes screams from inside, for speed. I used to feel like it was an emergency unless I ate something, or that there was no way I could calmly and slowly chew my meal. I ate literally walking out the door sometimes, and often in my car.
What could it offer, to slow down and be willing to see what else is happening with food, with my mind, with feelings, and with my contact with reality, besides responding to an emergency?
Almost always, my emergency was about relationship, the past, the imagined future, uncomfortable feelings, or self-criticism. When I slowed down my Emergency Switch, I began to understand more what was going on inside me that my eating reflected.
We can keep it simple. Join me here to wonder about the turnaround (hint: being slow). You can start practicing it today, if you follow along with the guide!

Eating Peace Process, a very in-depth high touch program to address all aspects of life with mind and food, is coming in only one month. Stay tuned to watch for my signature free live webinars on eating peace November 4th, 7th and 9th to learn more about how to bring this practice into your daily life, and find out about the immersion program. To read more about it, visit here. If you have questions, email me at any time grace@workwithgrace.com.
Much love,
Grace
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Friday the 13th…bad luck? Or?

Something made me chuckle about “Friday the 13th”.

Movies, old lore, tales of witches, dark nights, bad luck, hatchets. In Italy they are afraid of Tuesday the 13th. And the tales of war, loss, and battles extend back to both Greek and Roman lore.

Someone, or a horror movie, told me that bad luck was MORE possible on this day….and I believed it, or worried it might be true.

So here we are on Friday the 13th. Any bad luck happening for you? Is it because of the date today? LOL!

Who would we be without our stories?

This is a genuine, sweet question. This date, another date, who would I be without my story about it? What if this was a brand new day, today, right now, the first time I ever saw a day?

Turning it around: Today is lovely, golden, and good luck. My thinking is bad luck.

How could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

(Or not even true, at all).

Easy.

My thinking has always preceded, or followed, my thoughts about What Is. I’ve decided something is good news, or bad news, based on hearsay, or the Romans passing it along for centuries. Some ancestor said it to their offspring because a big battle didn’t go in their favor, and they said it to their children, who said it to theirs.

“Thirteen”. A sweet, quiet, soft fall day where I live.

Teleclass, client, meeting with a friend for coffee, gym, dishes, writing, client, writing again, music selection creating a set list for a dance tomorrow. Reflecting on seeing Byron Katie and Stephen Mitchell last night across the street, literally, from my house and how sweet they were right in my neighborhood.

Who would I be without my story?

“You project meaning onto nothing, and you react to the meaning you yourself have projected.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have some bad luck stories to question, a wonderful time to do it is in the company of other inquirers, doing the same.

We have a beautiful gathering about to begin starting Wednesday evening here in northeast Seattle, Weds evening through Sunday late morning. There’s room for more. In fact, someone wrote yesterday saying she’s driving from near Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. She’s got space in her car. If you’re anywhere between her area, and Seattle….she’ll pick you up on your way! (Hit reply and I’ll connect you).

If you have always wanted to sit in The Work for several days with others (what a gift of support) then come, come. If you really can’t afford it, ask me about partial scholarship. Read about it here.

Who knows what kind of luck can be changed, by doing The Work together. Just saying.

Much love,

Grace