Month: September 2013

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Just Sit There

This past weekend someone wrote to me asking what happened with food that made me go from anxiety-ridden anger around my relationship with eating….

….to enjoying it with the deepest gratitude, taking care of this body the best way I know, no fear, war over.

I woke up this morning thinking about that question. It was very, very quiet, no wind wildly blowing outside as it had been for nearly 24 hours. No wind chimes ringing.

Wild blowing and stormy rain pelting down, now turned to silence.

How would I sum up the Before and After, years of learning, contemplating, experimenting, failing, inquiring, and being in relationship with food?

I was working with a woman once who said that as soon as we started doing inquiry together, her binge-eating got worse.

I remember going through “bad” spells of eating. Like the volume was turned up to higher, I couldn’t give it a rest.

I would get distracted, my attention moving over to something else (finally) and doing some kind of other activity, enjoying friends, working, reading, seeing a movie, feeling entertained, moving physically….

…..when I’d have the idea to eat. I might be hungry, I might not.

How I ate didn’t seem to have a heck of a lot to do with hunger. It overlapped sometimes, but mostly how I ate had to do with what my MIND thought should or shouldn’t happen with food, not my body.

That mind can be so bossy!

But really, it was trying to help. When there’s a problem, the mind can get VERY INTERESTED in solutions.

To put it mildly.

However, when I look back at my previous self, the one with the eating problems, there were a few beliefs very solidly in place that I never even bothered to question at first.

Once I did, it was like breaking out of prison. One spoonful of dirt at a time…I’m not sayin’ it was instantaneous!

  • Empty time is frightening and mysterious, I should be doing something important or productive
  • If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s dangerous…especially fear and anger
  • life is chaotic, unpredictable, strange…and this is bad
  • I am all alone when it comes down to it….also bad
  • lots of other people are suffering, unhappy and needy…I’m supposed to help them feel better or avoid them
  • I have to do it right: look right, live right, eat right, breathe right, think right, work right (and it’s impossible to be perfect)
  • the world is a dangerous, weird, chaotic place

Yikes! Not exactly a peaceful relationship with Reality, the World, this Universe.

The good news?

All of the beliefs don’t have to dissolve instantly for you or anyone to find some relief around food and eating.

Even just thinking about only one of these stressful concepts and asking yourself if it is absolutely 100% true, if you are SURE that This Situation (being on the planet) is creepy, uncomfortable, frightening or hard…

…might bring in some doubt about what’s going on around here.

You are not safe in this moment….is that true?

This quietness is uncomfortable, you are lonely, angry, outraged, scared…and you can’t deal with it….is that true?

How do I react when I believe a situation is dangerous, or frightening?

I work on protecting myself, I try not to think about it, I hide under the table, I smile when I’m actually very sad, I avoid other people, I’m not entirely honest, I don’t get support, I pretend I’m OK, I help others instead of me, I fill up the empty space of silence with eating food (or whatever other activity helps fill the void).

Who would I be without the thought that Things Are Dangerous or Scary? Or that things are off, unpredictable, disappointing?

Without the thought that food, people, bodies, eating or any of it is wrong, was wrong before, or will be wrong in the future?

I am willing to be with empty, unknown, wild, mysterious space. I notice that the present moment is not so bad after all.

I notice how safe I am in this second, because I’m here.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place, or life is risky then I feel kind, loving, patient, surrendered.

I’m waiting, open, resting. So much more relaxed.

I don’t feel like eating. My craving fades away.

I turn my beliefs around to the opposite, to try them on. They could be just as true, or truer.

  • Empty time is exciting and mysterious, just being here is important and productive, without having to DO anything
  • If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s wonderful and thrilling…especially fear and anger (or could those feelings be love and power?)
  • life is loving, predictable, familiar…and this is fabulous
  • I am not alone when it comes down to it….also fabulous!
  • lots of other people are joyful, happy and satisfied…I’m supposed to helpmyself feel better when I’m with them all
  • there is no “right” way: I am succeeding
  • the world is a friendly, unusual, brilliant , trusting place

There’s wild wind, then it stops, then there’s silence, and then there’s a breeze again.

Am I all right, whatever the weather?

“Just sit there right now, don’t do a thing. Just rest. For your separation from God, from Love, is the hardest work in this World. Let me bring you trays of food and something that you like to drink. You can use my soft words as a cushion for your Head.” ~ Hafiz

Inquire, relax, rest and eating food (and those compulsive activities) fall away, fall into place, fall into emptiness.

Love, Grace

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Pain Brings The Most Alluring Thing

Yesterday I had a moment when in about 10 seconds I had the thoughts: “it’s all over from here…there will be a time I can never dance again…I have a limited time left on the planet”.  

I was feeling hip pain. From my gymnastics move about a month ago.

The right hamstring was injured, but now the left hip hurts since I’ve been favoring it, walking kinda weird, and ignoring it half the time.

Through my mind ran the following thoughts:

  • this pain will never go away
  • the writing’s on the wall…if hips are hurting, I’m on my way to the end
  • I have to finish my book before I croak! Quick!
  • I’ll never see my kids’ in their old age (so weird the way that works)
  • I need more time
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead

Then I thought about the great sage Ramana Maharshi for about ten minutes, as I have many times before, and his story of at age 16, lying down on the floor and pretending he was dead, just to see what it felt like.

BOOM. He saw what he was without a body.

So where’s my ecstatic “boom”? Seeing who I am without a body is kind of attractive at the moment!

I’m way older than 16 and I don’t have to pretend really, to get the sense that it’s over soon, and I’m going to be dead at some point.

But it pretty much feels like I’m stuck in this sack of flesh, for now, to put it bluntly.

Not that I hate the body…in fact, it’s genius, kind, accepting, miraculous and completely fascinating. Hurts, heals, changes.

Off and on throughout the day I feel the dull pain and I think about who I am before my parents were born, the zen koan.

I’m not even TRYING to concentrate on seeing from the perspective of No Body and Who-I-Truly-Am and all that rot. Yet, I’m thinking about this anyway!

There’s that silly mind again. On the job attempting to figure it out.

The voiceover from an old TV ad for Trix Cereal comes in, where the rabbit is doing everything he possibly can to get that awesome cereal, and he just can’t seem to outwit the situation and have what he wants.

The rabbit tries many maneuvers….and then discovers that he’s been trying to get something that is actually not possible for him to “get”.

Because he’s a rabbit. 

“Silly Rabbit”, the children say when they realize he’s been up to multiple shenanigans trying to acquire their cereal….“Trix Are For Kids!” 

Silly Mind! Awareness is not for you! 

But what IS for the mind, thank goodness, is The Work. At least, so far this mind seems to delight in it.

This mind (and yours probably, too) just LOVES to answer questions.

So let’s take a look at the troubling little thoughts about the body that have appeared from this message of pain apparently originating in a human hip.

Are these thoughts actually true that have been streaming through this mind? That the pain will never go away and it’s all downhill from here?

Well, I could be completely pain free (in fact, come to think of it right in this moment, on the same day only a few hours later as I write, I don’t feel pain).

And no, I don’t have to finish my book before I croak, or see my kids in their old age.

And it’s possible I don’t need more time….and it’s absolutely true that one day I won’t enter the dance studio anymore.

I mean, I am going to die….at least the physical body will.

But what if all this wasn’t a BAD BAD thing?

I mean, how I react when I believe these thoughts, and believe they are alarming, is that I am instantly afraid, nervous, planning, calculating, and grasping at all kinds of strategies for softening this situation, either emotionally, mentally or physically.

I’m the rabbit BEFORE he finds out the tricks are not for him. Ha!

Without the thought, however, that any of this pain, injury, change, death, departure or ending is terrible in the great big scheme of things….

….wow.

I am so curious, and interested in All This, including whatever Pain appears to be. (Is it energy? What is it?)

I remember that every time I enter the dance studio, I am different, so I’ve already lived the story of having no dance ever be repeated.

Without the thought, I see there is nothing guaranteed, nothing steady, nothing gained and lost, because nothing sticks anyway.

Without believing things are getting worse, I am excited to see what this body does, what it’s like, what happens next.

I’m psyched about the story unfolding. What will she do now?

Oh look, she went to physical therapy, she made a massage appointment, she slowed down and held still all day, she scheduled the book-writing time on her calendar.

She went to the dance studio and remembered the sweet friends who will never come there again, as they have already crossed over into death, and that we’ll all follow.

“The only way to get out of this is to see through it. Don’t renounce it, see through it. Understand its true value and you won’t need to renounce it; it will just drop from your hands. But of course, if you don’t see that, if you’re hypnotized into thinking that you won’t be happy without this, that or the other things, you’re stuck.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Turning everything around, I see how this is all very wonderful, and nothing is ever truly permanently ending, and everything is always beginning, and fading away…

….and things are getting better. Could be just as true.

  • this pain will always go away; emotional, physical, all of it
  • I’m on my way to the end, to the beginning, who knows
  • I don’t have to finish my book, in fact when I die there will be tons of things unfinished, that’s the way of it
  • I have no idea how much of my kids’ lives I’ll see or not see, it’s a mystery and doesn’t seem up to me
  • I need less time! Whew, what a relief!
  • one day, I will not enter this dance studio any more, I’ll be dead. Woohoo! What, did I want to dance here forever? That’d be weird.

“No-thing-ness…as much as that doesn’t make sense to the mind, is the most alluring thing of all.” ~ Adyashanti

I hear the rain pattering outside, drink an incredible taste of water, read a sweet text from my daughter, look into the vast gray sky, and for just a second my throat wells up with tears of gratitude.

Then even that passes and in this emptiness I am stunned to find gratitude also for the pain.

How else would I have been considering the mystery of life and death, and All This today?

Much Love, Grace

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He Called Me Ugly!

A man on a blind date once said to me “I find you ugly”.

In our society, this is generally considered soooo rude, right?

In a flash of him saying it, my stomach felt nauseated, my chest felt hot, my heart beating, my face flushed and turning red.

I felt like a caged animal. I gotta get outta here. Yet I was frozen in my chair.

I tried to control my tears with all my might.

Like this fist came in a said “whatever you do, absolutely do NOT SHOW that his statement has affected you.”

So first, the painful statement….then….I also have to deal with my own inner commander telling me not to allow him to see the pain.

I see that situation as an amazing one for understanding now. So blunt, so direct, so confusing!

Many of us aren’t around people who say caustic things very often, or make stabbing remarks, or yell, or cuss at us.

And when there are pretty uncommon and punchy words, it’s surprising!

So let’s examine this situation.

Why is it disturbing, anyway? Seriously? I mean, what’s wrong with ugly?

You would have thought from my inner immediate reaction that he was about to kill me, or that he punched me in the stomach.

But there were still two people, sitting on chairs in a coffee shop. That’s it.

He just hurt me.

Is it true?

Physically, no. Space and calm were everywhere around, air, mugs, tables, other people, floor, dust, napkins.

So is it true that he hurt me emotionally? Is it true that his words were painful?

Yes, although, hmmm. If I were deaf, or if I didn’t actually HEAR those words, then I would have remained comfortable.

My interpretation of the words was painful. I believed he was saying many other things, besides “you’re ugly”. I believed it meant a whole suitcase load of very painful truths.

So I didn’t actually really know that HE just hurt me.

No. Not absolutely true.

How did I react when I believed the thought that he hurt me?

The suitcase of stressful beliefs exploded open about other people (especially men) and their preferred opinions of me.

I thought his words meant I was unworthy, rejected, hated, disliked, worthless, unimportant, and cast aside.

I thought his words meant I was not measuring up in the attractive department, and therefore I would be single, alone, and lost for the rest of my life.

Wow, so much, so instantly, from one comment.

If he had said a piece of art on the wall was ugly, would I have had trouble breathing?

So who or what would I actually be, in that very moment, without the belief that he hurt me, or he shouldn’t have expressed his opinion, or that I am worthless?

A whole world opens up of beliefs to review. A whole world of freedom becomes possible.

Wow, all that time I thought I was supposed to be beautiful, in order to be liked! OMG!

All that time I thought I was supposed to be admired, that men were supposed to find me appealing, that I needed their approval!

Without the thought that I need him to think I’m pretty, or that I need a man, or that I will be alone, or that I am rejected and worthless in this situation….

….I hear his words, and they enter me and pass through me instead of gripping me in the chest like a piano just fell on my head (like in the cartoons).

Without the thought…I might have asked him what he sees, what makes him say that right now.

I might have learned a lot (actually I did, later, when I did The Work).

I turn the thought around.

I have not just been hurt by him….I have been hurt by my own thinking.

Being ugly to someone does not mean that I am rejected, worthless, or that I will be alone forever.

And what about my own opinion of myself? Don’t I look in the mirror and find flaws, for most of my life?

Wouldn’t I absolutely love to still adore myself, even though I find parts of myself ugly sometimes? Do I notice how I love other people even though I am sometimes repulsed or frightened by their appearance?

Isn’t it actually far truer that I do adore what is inside me, and inside others?

Can I love myself in the presence of this human, who just hacked apart my ideal fairy tale version of this situation?

Haven’t I always wanted to be free to be whatever I am, and end the War on the Body and Appearance and Striving For Perfection?

Well…I just lost. War Over.

Nice.

“Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything……if you say one single thing that I have the urge to defend, that thing is the very pearl waiting inside me to be discovered.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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I’ll Control You By Avoiding You

When someone is described as really “controlling” we often get an image of a person being bossy, condescending, critical, snappy or sharp with their words and tone of voice.

They’re trying to run things! Order everyone around!

That person is so freakin’ rigid, pushy, domineering, opinionated! They should stop it!

But what if there’s other, more subtle forms of being controlling, that look pretty different than that obvious way?

As in, the opposite.

What if someone looks easy-going, compliant, passive and without any opinion?

Could they be controlling, too?

Um, yeah….that sounds familiar somehow.

Uh oh.

Long ago in my graduate program studying human behavior someone who is “controlling” was defined as someone attempting to do, say, act or even feel certain ways in order to make a situation safe, or to manage how people treat them, or feel about them.

This could be never looking, talking or directing attention toward someone as a way of punishing them for being mean to you, or for scaring you, or disappointing you.

Or jumping into the care-taking role to help that other upset person be comfortable ASAP, lest there be scene, or an emergency, around the corner.

Or speaking as little as possible, dressing certain ways so you look acceptable, and NOT jumping into anything just in case someone judges you.

Yikes, heh heh, gosh.

Suddenly, flashing before my eyes are all the times I descended into a fog of fear, looking down, away, folding my arms, drawing back, crossing the street, having my heart rate explode when I ran into someone.

In third grade, at age 8, a boy secretly left me a love note and a gift. How bold!

I changed my walking route every day on the way home so that I never ran into him again. It scared me half to death.

I couldn’t ask him “What the heck are you doing? Can’t we just be friends? Do you want something?”

I used to even feel nervous about entering a party, being in the room with so much noise, chaos, energy and Other Humans.

So there that person is, who you would actually really like to control. In other words, you’d prefer their behavior to be loving, smooth, and not alarming, intense, or hurtful!

It feels stressful, you feel anxious or angry, you think you could get surprised.

Perfect situation for self-inquiry. Let’s do The Work.

That person should remain calm, stay away from me, stop paying attention to me, leave me alone, be gentle, not say anything mean….

Is it true?

Yes! I’m curling myself into a ball like a sea anemone! Danger! Danger!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true? Can I know I’m in danger? Can I know I would be hurt if I’m out in the open, being judged by them?

Can I really know they’re demanding, that they want something, and that I can’t say No Thank you?

No. But I sure feel anxious.

How do I react when I believe that person is dangerous, too much, and I need to be careful around them?

Or they might hurt themselves, and I think that would be sad?

Or I’m worried about what they’ll think of me?

I clam up. I never share publicly, with lots of people listening. I don’t raise my hand. If caller ID says it’s them, I don’t answer. I hover in the back of the room.

I ruminate, I defensively think “I won’t let that person control me!” I leave and slam the door. That’ll show ’em!

Sigh. It takes a lot of energy.

So who would I be without the thought that I’m in danger in any way whatsoever or that I need to be, act, feel, speak or think a certain way to control the outcome?

Woah.

I see that person, a shot of adrenaline zaps through me, but I’m not against them, or against the past, or so sure I need to build a wall, or resist, or defend.

Without believing it’ll be bad if I make contact, I don’t feel compelled to make things easier, softer, simpler, quicker, kinder….

….I rest. My body opens, my mind opens. I might look around or look at that person and see a human trying his or her best.

I surrender, I feel willing to have whatever happens be.

I might even say “I’m really scared right now, I felt scared before around you, and I’m anxious when you approach me.”

At a party, without the thought that I need to be careful so others think well of me, I get to look around with curiosity, happiness, play.

If I have a question, I raise my hand.

I notice that without any worries about outcome, or concern for the future, I’m very present, right here in the moment. I’m having big feelings and I’m not trying to control them.

A huge major wonderful side-effect is no urge to compulsively use anything in an addictive way to stop big feelings, if I’m not worried about how others will feel if I have them.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

When I meet my thoughts with love and understanding, I meet those other troubling or Big Energy people with love and understanding…

…not escaping or suppressing my encounters with them, or with Reality.

I might say yes, I might say no, I might disengage…but that’s very different from avoiding, manipulating and planning escape routes.

“The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.” ~ Tao Te Ching #30 

Turning it all around, I see that…ahem….who is the person who is full of Big Energy, feelings, judgments or fear of myself, in that situation?

Yeah, that would be me.

Much Love, Grace

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I Need Him To Feel OK

A very stressful belief, held by many at various moments on the planet, is the concept “I need that person to feel OK.”

Boy howdy, that’s a juicy, sometimes wildly painful belief.

Our Tuesday YOI (Year of Inquiry) Group examined this thought together this morning.

Wow, awesome.

There is your friend, your mom, your dad, your boyfriend, your wife, your child, your client…..and they are depressed, weeping, lying in a hospital bed, in turmoil over a loss, they are worried, angry, nervous, upset, they just got emotionally hurt.

There’s an urge to rush in, assist.

It really does seem like it would be better if that person felt OK, felt good, felt content, felt open.

Questioning this belief does not mean you are cruel, cold, or uncaring.

In fact, without this belief, you may find that you are more genuinely caring than you ever realized…but let’s take a look.

First, are you positive that you need that person to feel good, better, different than they feel in order for you to be happy?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that if he, she, it, they felt OK you’d be better off?

The fear that enters the body and mind when a loved one gets hurt, let’s say pretty badly, can be infused with this belief.

Maybe their feelings are hurt, maybe their body is hurt…this is noticing the anxiety, panic, anger, and your own hurt that becomes present, sometimes almost simultaneously, when you learn that this person you love is hurt.

So how do you react when you believe that thought, that this situation would be better if they were OK?
When I believe this thought, I am going to find out what will resolve their “hurt” and stay on the job until I find the answer. I call them. I think about them. I read books about their condition and nod. I rush in.
I come to the rescue.
I think thoughts like “he really needs to….” or “she should get help from….”
In the past, I had a great friend who had a major huge mega-watt amount of anxiety. His story, or my story, was that he had a rough life.
How did I react when I believed that I needed him to feel OK?
First, I tried to rescue.
Then, I ditched him. I believed I couldn’t take it anymore. I quit!
But who would you be without the belief that this person needs to be OK? That they are NOT OK, even with whatever is going on?
“My beloved sister is dying of cancer now, and she is in the very painful last stages of agony. Watching my sister’s husband watch his wife in such dreadful pain would be agonizing, if not for the enlightened mind, the questioned awake-to-love mind….
 
…..Oh, how I love her, and how opposite of helpless I am. I am the power of love, and there is nothing more powerful than that as I find myself sobbing with her. Who would think that love is that grateful, that deep, that overwhelming, and tear-filled! As I sob, the joy within, the joy that is born out of my love, blind in its clarity, runs deeper than any sadness could ever begin to, and it is allowed to live at its depth, a state that fear is too shallow to explore and must always fall short in its emotion to express.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that other people need to be OK in order for me to be happy…
…I am free to love, express, breathe, connect, be honest, authentic, caring, overwhelmed, untethered, real, genuine….and stay or go.
I turn the thought around that I need him to be OK, I need her to be OK.
I don’t actually need that. I am living this life over here, in this body, apparently.
I can see advantages, even, to that person not being OK as I look at them:
  • they are encountering their own fear and growing stronger through it
  • they are capable of getting through this
  • they are learning about life
  • they are freer
  • they are experiencing something profound
  • they are changing
  • they are dying (or some part of them is dying) and therefore on their way to a new dimension, new life…
And while that person is not OK, I can turn that whole entire list around to myself and find the incredible gift in that person appearing as they appear in my life:
  • I am encountering my own fear and growing stronger through it
  • I am capable of getting through this (their pain, my pain)
  • I am learning about life
  • I am freer
  • I am experiencing something profound
  • I am changing
  • I am dying (my stories or otherwise) and therefore on my way to a new dimension
“The ego creates stories to convince you that you cannot be at peace NOW, you cannot be fully yourself NOW.” ~ Eckhart Tolle  
How might you be when you are with those sweet, amazing, suffering people if you knew they were actually OK?
Much Love, Grace
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Not Knowing Is Wonderful Now

This past weekend a whole lotta questioning happened!

I had the privilege to be among companions in The Work and hear their concerns, some of their deepest moments of suffering.

I can always relate to what inquirers are concerned with. My own work floats in the background to every single thought and inquiry brought forth.

One woman spoke for me, for everyone, who’s ever sat down and questioned their repetitive beliefs:

“I’ve done The Work on this ten thousand times and I keep finding the turnarounds, I find the examples, I can see the opposite of my stressful thought to be as true or truer….but the stress still plagues me.”

There are those feisty subjects, situations, people, whole belief-systems that seem really deep, endless, haunting, unresolved.

If we’ve got an unhappy experience from the past…and continue to be annoyed or afraid…then what to do?

How many times can you write a worksheet on the SAME EXACT THING and arrive at the SAME EXACT PLACE??!

Some awareness perhaps, but not really complete and everlasting peace. Not done, resolved, complete. Not over it. It’s not put to rest.

Fantastic question.

There was once a car mechanic I heard about who had an enormous number of clientele.

He didn’t advertise, market, put out flyers, or even have an official business.

People would learn about him word of mouth, show up, call the unpublished number. He had something special going on around cars.

He could diagnose and figure out the thing that was needed for any particular car to run again.

A good friend who had the honor of using this mechanic told me that this Car Whisperer told him when he bumped up against a problem, and he tinkered, researched, made attempts and tried different solutions….but something wasn’t working (yet)….

….that he would leave that car alone for awhile.

He would drop his motivation to fix it.

Yes, even if someone was calling and saying“where’s my car, you got it fixed yet?”

He would go work on another entirely different car, a different problem.

He would sleep on it, walk away. Then come back to it when it felt “right”.

And almost every time….LIGHT BULB.

In a few minutes, the necessary answer, the missing link, the correct mechanical part, the next step would make itself known.

Byron Katie speaks about dropping all motivation for anything, when you’re doing The Work, except the Truth.

In the dictionary, it reads that to have a “motive” is to have a reason to do something. Often related to a crime. You think if you do something, you’ll get something better, you’ll succeed in the future.

“Motive” comes from the word “move”.

I want to Move-It Move-It!

In other words, I don’t like it the way it is, or the way I feel about it right now…I want to feel differently, I want to feel peaceful or blissful or psyched instead.

Now, this isn’t always of course what is going on if we have the same repetitive identical beliefs over and over about one person, or a persistent stressful feeling about a situation…but it’s great to look at.

What is my motive? Why do I want to question this? Do I want to know the Truth, or be Blissed Out?

Maybe they aren’t always the same.

I had one person once who was really buggin’ me. I would write a worksheet on this person over and over. The same exact sentences would come out, maybe with a little variation.

He should be different.

I asked Katie about it. “I keep doing The Work on this person, with no resolve….what should I do?”

She replied after a brief discussion, “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

OMG! I realized that I had been believing that I SHOULD NOT FEEL THIS WAY!

I believed that I should feel happy, loving, kind, joyful and warm-hearted towards that person 24/7.

Like, yesterday.

That’s what spiritual, good people are like, right?

As I saw this aspect of my own personal motivation to jump to feeling happy and forgiving ASAP, I put that worksheet down.

I didn’t pound the pavement, as they say, until I Got Peace.

I honored my own feeling of whatever this thing I was feeling actually was, that we call Anger.

I actually did a whole worksheet on ANGER and the feeling of anger and all the dangerous, terrible things I believed could happen to me or to others when the feeling of ANGER rises.

I stopped feeling so anxious about anger. I stopped feeling so sure that there was no place for anger inside me, or inside this world.

I stopped having a “plan” about this situation.

I let go of the motivation to get this squared away so I could go on with my life.

What did I notice?

The emotional pain started to fade. DOH!

“If I can’t breathe, I don’t know if I’m going to live or die. I don’t know if I’m going to be breathed again, or not. It’s absolutely not up to me. But in the “don’t know” if I’m going to live or die, or breathe or not, I don’t miss the joy of the life I DO have.” ~ Byron Katie

If I give up wanting The Work, or anything else, to bring me joy…I notice I do The Work anyway (so far).

I notice that even my own awareness or learning or peace or personal process is not up to “me”.

If I don’t have to know, or achieve anything, what a relief.

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old.” ~ Tao Te Ching #55

If you think that you won’t do The Work or you’ll never become free or peaceful, unless you have a motive…..test it out.

You may find that you are as bizarre as me, and you keep inquiring anyway.

Kinda like that saying “Before enlightenment, chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood carry water.”

Before….I don’t know….and it’s a bad thing to not know.  After….I don’t know….and it’s a good thing to not know.

Much Love, Grace

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Walking Without Walking

There is nothing quite like being silent in the company of other people to bring a precious sweet sense of the profound to an experience.

Yesterday the fall afternoon sun shone, the world was bustling with bicycle riders, dogs, runners, leashes, litter, motors, sirens, green leaves.

Our collective group of inquirers, all on retreat together here at my cottage, went on a walk with one important piece of structure: no talking.  

Well, I also mentioned going on this walk as if you were living one of your turnarounds to a stressful belief we had just examined.

How would you walk as if there were no problem, that the way it went before had its benefits? How would you walk as if you knew all was incredibly, inconceivably, amazingly well. How would you walk as if things were OK, as if you didn’t need to fix it for right now?

How would you walk, where would you glance, what would you see, how would you hold your shoulders or your arms if you didn’t believe that stressful thought?

As we walked, I turned around and saw our silent group, such adorable and sincere people. All supporting each other to investigate our mental activity that hurts.

Over a fence, someone smoothed the skirt of a bride’s white wedding dress on a lawn, through another fence children screamed with glee in a playground, past the bushes ducks quacked while kids jumped off the end of a dock, in the distance two jet skis zig-zagged like beads on the water.

Abundance everywhere, literally the earth, the environment, the atmosphere teeming with activity, life, chaos, movement….

….I felt tears well up with the joy of it all.

Have you noticed how unusual and how powerful silence can be?

This hasn’t always automatically felt like a good thing. By the way.

Generally speaking, if you take away activities that you do regularly and you’re a little nervous about what it will be like without them…

….you’re pushing up against your zone of comfort, as they say.

When I first went on a silent retreat I thought I’d go bonkers.

I was up at 2:30 am unable to sleep, too dark to take a walk in the woods. The rules were no talking, no reading, no electronics. 

What am I supposed to do, just lie here? Jeezus Christ! 

I thought I was going to have a heart attack, or that my head would explode.

I had no idea how much stimulation I normally wanted, to cover up this dreadful experience of being in the world full of silence, without being friends with my own mind.

Of course, I got used to it.

And went back for more. It was never as bad as that first time again.

Yesterday as we all walked together I noticed thoughts still crank out, or stream by, like ticker-tape reports: that young couple on the bench may think its weird with all these totally silent people standing on the dock around them, I need to go slowly enough so no one gets left behind, trees, asphalt, light, its weird how this human view is through eyes mostly in the front 180 degrees of the body, I’m the leader, I love the feeling of the cool dirt on my big toes that are sticking past the edge of the flip-flops I’m wearing, wow those spiders are jammin’ with their webs everywhere, grass, breeze, dogs. 

Observations, thoughts, fading in and out. Nothing true, nothing grabby. Sensations.

Being.

Doing The Work, questioning our stories, slows everything down.

Right now, it’s possible for all of us to relax, and welcome the thoughts or stories that come by for a visit.

Those troubling people who we have encountered, at any time in our lives, they are amazing. Just thinking about them, my mind grows curious, open, interested, and willing.

“Eventually you will realize that it cannot actually hurt you to go beyond your psychological limits. If you are willing to just stand at the edge and keep walking, you will go beyond.” ~ Michael Singer

Even if you can’t actually walk, physically, either in your body or on the planet, there’s internal walking, noticing, moving, being.

Watching the stories, writing them down, questioning them, diving into these stories by telling them to others with the sincere intention to understand it differently, not justify it or react to it with fear, sadness, pain, hurt.  

“Whatever it takes for you to find your freedom, that’s what you’ve lived.” ~ Byron Katie

That includes this moment of silence, this moment of being with others in an intimate way, connecting with peeps on the journey, being totally alone, suffering, feeling joyful, having time and space to sit and write and inquire.

Even if you just had a rough encounter out in the world, a less-than-optimal exchange, a bad memory enter your mind, or you were late, you disappointed someone, you became nervous…..

…..now you are here, quietly reading this. 

“Without opening your door, you can open your heart to the world. Without looking out your window, you can see the essence of the Tao. The more you know, the less you understand. The Master arrives without leaving, sees the light without looking, achieves without doing a thing.” ~ Tao Te Ching #47 

Much Love, Grace

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Welcome The Friend Who Brings Difficulties

This morning I am beaming with gratitude for all the beautiful inquirers who flew on airplanes, rode bikes, drove cars and arrived here in northeast Seattle to question our thinking for the weekend of YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups.

We’re gathering together, to do this work. Investigating our suffering in life.

You’re doing it too.

We are all IN this together, no matter where you are located in place and time as you are reading this. As you go about your day or evening.

The poem for our weekend is the powerful Checkmate by the beloved Jalaluddin Rumi. I’ve read it twice, and will read it again.

It begins “Borrow the Beloved’s eyes…”

Inviting us to see through the eyes of reality, through the eyes of these other sweet people, through eyes that are beyond stressful beliefs, but including those stressful beliefs.

Everything welcome.

And who would you be without that stressful, sad, worried, nervous, angry thought?

What a strange, fabulous question….

If it’s hard to imagine being without stressful thoughts, don’t worry. The spark is alive in you to investigate….you know you can!

“If you can’t do this work yourself, don’t worry. You don’t even have to make a decision one way or another. The Friend, who knows a lot more than you do, will bring difficulties, and grief and sickness, as medicine, as happiness, as the essence of the moment when you’re beaten, when you hear Checkmate, and can finally say, with Hallaj’s voice, I trust you to kill me.” ~ Rumi  

Much Love, Grace

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Mentioning The Unmentionable

I’m switching the Our Wonderful Sexuality to 5:15-6:45 pm on Mondays, starting October 21st, since many of you are interested but couldn’t take the class at the 8 am Pacific time.

Speaking of sexuality…..eewww.

Do we have to?

It’s quite startling how this topic, which touches everyone alive really, has a sort-of weird undercover secretive cloud hanging over it.

At least for me, growing up we weren’t really supposed to talk about it. You weren’t supposed to ask too many questions or share too many stories.

The unmentionable subject.

Even though everyone’s interested in it.

Sexuality is a vulnerable, intimate life experience with a huge variety of norms and interests and attractions or repulsions for humans.

When it feels like freedom, there is usually very little stress involved…..the feeling inside is comfortable, perhaps thrilled, positive, genuine, creative, safe, joyful and loving.

But often, there are indeed stressful thoughts.

When I began dating after fifteen years in a monogamous relationship, many thoughts and feelings that had existed below the surface (or that I stuffed under the surface) came exploding out into the light of day.

Just meeting with someone for a date seemed to create fear…but also excitement, anticipation and eagerness for connection.

But what was that fear part?

The way to put words to the fear, and see it more clearly, is to identify a painful situation, a difficult or troubling moment, that you have actually experienced.

No, this does not have to be rape, incest, violence, affairs…..although if you’ve had these kinds of experiences, they are amazing situations for questioning your beliefs, and your inquiry can open you to your present power.

The situation you may notice discomfort around, that involves sexuality or sexual contact or implying something sexual, may be something completely low key, small, a minor communication or even a “look” from someone.

That’s your situation. You may have many. Pick just one.

I remember noticing a man who to me was very attractive. I knew he was going to be at a birthday party I was attending. I didn’t know him very well.

At the party, right when I arrived, he looked super happy and dropped his current conversation, took my hand as I approached, put his hand on my back, and led me to a far corner of the room.

This was great at first. But then some comments arose in the conversation. The whole connection became sort of, well, CRAZY STRESSFUL for me.

  • he is pushing too hard for sex in this conversation
  • he wants sex NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately
  • he’s creepy
  • I need to escape
  • I can’t trust my attractions, this man is a jerk (rats)
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but he seems to think it’s Number 1
  • he wouldn’t be talking with me if he wasn’t attracted to me, so he cares only about the sexual attraction
  • he’s too aggressive, demanding, wants too much, too quickly

Similar kinds of thoughts can enter into a long-term relationship with someone you care about, know well, or even live with….maybe with more subtle language or different wording.

Maybe your stressful thoughts are around being bored, doing the same thing all the time, feeling unsatisfied, wanting more, different, better, less.

Or right in the middle of a sexual encounter…maybe your thoughts are full of what should or shouldn’t be happening, what you long for, what you miss, or what just happened a split second ago that you didn’t like.

Once you identify these thoughts, you can take them to inquiry.

I loved having a facilitator who I was so comfortable with when I started doing The Work very earnestly, I knew she didn’t reject me for having such thoughts….or for using words that described sexual body parts or sexual terms like “orgasm”.

OK, I said it.

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that it’s embarrassing, shameful, or weird to talk about sexual encounters with people?

Yeah! Of course it’s embarrassing! This is private, personal information!

Are you positive that speaking of your ideas, concerns and feelings about sexuality it is worthy of shame?

And is what you are concerned about actually true?

Damn straight it’s true!

He IS too aggressive, he IS making too many sexual comments.

Is it absolutely true? Beyond a shadow of a doubt?

No. I actually don’t really know. I haven’t asked what he means, or what he wants, or what he’s thinking. At all.

When I believe all the thoughts I think, and then also, think it’s wrong to bring them up (or dangerous) then I’m trapped in a loop.

VERY STRESSFUL.

Who would you be without the thoughts that you should be ashamed of yourself? Or that he is being too pushy, or that you need to escape?

I’m no longer frozen. I say “this is not really doing it for me, I don’t feel comfortable…when you just said that, did that, looked that way, I felt afraid.”

Without the belief that I shouldn’t talk about sexuality, I talk about it.

I look at the turnarounds, oh boy:

  • I am pushing too hard for no-sex in this conversation
  • I want connection NOW, like, wherever it could happen, immediately on MY TERMS
  • I’m creepy – I have my demand, secret desires, beliefs, wants that I’m not sharing and I’m also super judgmental
  • I need to stay right here and be truthful
  • I can trust my attractions, this man is interesting, and my attractions morph and change
  • there’s a lot more to life than sex, but I seem to think it’s Number 1
  • I wouldn’t be talking with him if I wasn’t attracted to him, so I care only about the sexual attraction
  • I’m too aggressive, demanding, want too much, too quickly – yes, look how I boss him around in my mind with my expectations

“Until you can see the enemy as a friend, your Work is not done.This doesn’t mean that you have to invite him to dinner. Friendship is an internal experience. You may never see him again, you may even divorce him, but as you think about him, are you feeling stress or peace?” ~ Byron Katie

When I begin to speak up, say what I think, ask questions when I have them, say what I’m assuming, ask for what I want….

…in the spirit of love and kindness, laughter arises.

And great freedom.

No need to defend, protect myself, worry.

Even in this sensitive topic of sexuality….fun, play, ease.

Join the class in October if you’d like to examine some of the little (or big) stressful thoughts about sexual expression, an important sexual relationship you’re in, or past uncomfortable experiences.

“Love becomes a source of suffering when the transcendental is missing. How does the transcendent come in? By being spacious with the other. Which essentially means that you access the Stillness in yourself while you look at the other.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Much Love, Grace

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You Need To Stop Thinking—Is It True?

Yesterday I got into my car to drive from A to B. The overcast sky had parted so sun was beaming everywhere.

My phone rang so as I glanced to see who the caller was, it looked sort of familiar, like an official number from my neighborhood, so I answered it, just in case it was my kid calling from school.

All was well, but that call took about 15 minutes before I started the engine to go to  my next destination: the gym.

I noticed I had on a long-sleeved shirt and now, with the weather change, I felt hot and sticky. Yik.

This caused me to remember, after driving half way there, that I don’t have a gym bag, so I have no gym clothes, so I have to go back home now, to fetch them.

I looked over at the dashboard clock. I started calculating.

By the time I get home, it will be x-o’clock, if I go really, really fast it will be y’o’clock when I arrive at the gym. I’ll get exactly 25 minutes of workout time, which is NOT ENOUGH, I usually set aside 60, but it’s something at least. Then it will be z-o’clock.

If all goes well…no wrinkles in the “plan” then I’ll have time to pick up the daughter, drive to the orthodontist, return an inquiring client phone call, go back home, take a 4 minute shower, see a client, call another person back, check emails and get to dance on time.

I’m already tired.

Looking at the future lay-out in terms of time, sections of accomplishment, blocks of what-needs-to-happen.

This situation needs to move. Faster.

I need to generate output, attention, organization….and get this over with so the next thing can happen.

Fortunately….very, very fortunately….this is only one thread of thinking from the Belief Committee.

Only one kind of feeling, or orientation really.

If that committee gets going though, not exactly Fun Times. It tends to believe it can take over the entire World View of the host entity.

For some reason, and not because of “me” I assure you….I take a deep breath and almost at the same time as the plans appear, and the clock-monitor seeing clicks on, a feeling that’s like a gentle smile also appears.

The other day a wonderful inquirer wrote to me “but why does it take hours of doing The Work and all this effort to find peace? Can’t there be a quicker more instant way?”

I love that question!

You want a quicker, easier, speedier way! No stress entering! No troubling or annoying beliefs! Can’t we just get over it?

Are you sure? Is that true that quicker and instant would be better?

Yes indeed! Because! Isn’t that why I do The Work in the first place? Or any other technique, practice, inquiry, method?

Of course it’s true!

And how do you react when you think the thought that getting this whole bothersome “work part” over with, getting through it, instantly changing, suddenly becoming stress-free….is the Best Goal Ever?

My mind is a stop watch. I see events as taking too long. The clock is ticking. Can’t relax, can’t sleep, can’t truly rest, must push on.

I think. A lot.

With the thoughts that I must “find” peace, I analyze options for the best choice, the shortest method, the ideal option. I’m looking, looking, calculating, re-calculating, waiting, seeing this situation as falling short.

But who would I be without the these thoughts? Without having any Goals? Without thinking that what is here takes too long, is too much work, is arduous and slow?

Without the thought….woah.

I notice that I may actually have No Choice. I may be a part of a conglomerate inter-woven mess and tangle of life that appears in this moment as a human thinking they need to get somewhere faster.

I notice I never actually go any faster than I go. Life never goes any faster than it goes. Whether an afternoon, or appointments, or enlightenment.

Hilarious!

Who would I be without the thought that peace should be here NOW, that my afternoon should unfold at the appointed perfect time, that there is an end-goal in mind and it should be achieved ASAP.

What if As Soon As Possible is LATER?

As in…I’m not the boss of this. I’m not running things. It’s not up to me…even the attainment of peace?

Without this thought something inside my solar plexus opens and relaxes and is so happy, it’s almost hard to explain.

I turn it all around. The way it’s going is just right. Even me doing The Work, finding peace, opening, surrendering.

What if I am actually getting what I want? Could there be a benefit to the pace of this afternoon? The status of having or not-having whatever it is?

“We keep falling for it, we keep believing there’s a place that I’m going to get to where all this ends…..Your mind is trying to do this. But your mind isn’t really yours at all! If it was, you’d turn it off like a light switch. YOU…you are not doing any of this. You are not your mind.” ~ Adyashanti

Holy Moly!

If things really are not supposed to go the way I command, including my thinking….but they’re supposed to go the way they’re going….that’s one heckofa lot less work on my part.

A lot less everything, on my part. A lot less of me having a part.

“In my experience, we don’t make thoughts appear, they just appear. One day, I noticed that their appearance just wasn’t personal. Noticing that really makes it simpler to inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve got a lot of thoughts, welcome to reality! Hee hee.

Much Love, Grace