Month: September 2013

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Be Happy With Your Preferences

Not long ago I received a letter from an inquirer who had a long relationship with a lover that she thought of as volatile, like a roller coaster ride.

In fact, the writer had married the person in question not once, but twice. And divorced twice as well.

Even if this is not common to actually go through the ceremonies and the business legalities of marriage and divorce twice with one person…many of us know what its like to have what feels like a whacked relationship with someone.

Well, OK, I personally remember what it was like. In the experience, it felt like torture.

Too dramatic. The bliss, the hell, the peaks, the valleys.

The woman who wrote me set up an appointment to do The Work. She was in a new so-called “committed” relationship…and it was starting to smell like that old one.

She was feeling familiar pain, about not liking the way this partner was in certain really important areas: money, work and parenting.

I am not making fun of “committed” relationships when I say “so-called”…

….I say “so-called” because when I began to look at relationships and what we are calling one, what society is calling one, what I am calling one, what my neighbor is calling one, what the government is calling one….what defines a “relationship” becomes really murky.

It’s funny how many of us enjoy bonding with one other person (sometimes its called monogamy) and experiencing a very long exploration or journey with that one person.

It’s also true that many of us humans enjoy bonding with multiple different people.

I remember once a client came to work with me, such a sweet young man. He was living on a big college campus where polyamory was en vogue. In other words, the social rules were that the coolest people were sexual with anyone they wanted, any time, with no boundaries or objections.

This dear young man was trying really hard to be polyamorous, but he kept having trouble because he kept liking just one woman and wanting to connect and reconnect with primarily her, over and over.

I had to chuckle inside just a bit because I thought, wow, the construct for what is considered cool has swung clear over into another camp. In his mind, he wasn’t cool if he was monogamous!

But really, the suffering was not in whatever the social norm was, or what was considered cool or uncool, what you were or were not open to….the suffering came from him believing thoughts like this:

  • I shouldn’t like what I like, it’s wrong
  • I should be different than I am, my desires are bad
  • my preferences are too ____ (rigid, loose, boring, greedy, big, small)
  • the only place I could get satisfied is over there (even if over there is not available)
  • I am not satisfied here, with myself
  • that person I’m “with” should be better at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes

GOSH. What could we do with such stressful thoughts?

Of course, I found that a wonderful way to look at the process of “being” in a relationship that feels difficult, however that is defined, is to take out that Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and really read that objectionable person (NOT YOU) the riot act.

On paper. Don’t actually read it to them!

(Unless they understand the process of The Work and want to go for it with you).

Write down what you are really, really upset about. Write what you think they should do, or say, or think, or feel.

I am upset because my boyfriend is attracted to so many other women! I am upset because she is open to being sexual with multiple other partners! I am upset because he has no job! I am upset because she has no money! I am upset because I am single!

After you do The Work on this….really questioning, weeding through it, examining your ideas and beliefs in lack, unhappiness, fear….

….you may find that you wind up where you started, with your same preference for chocolate, but not against vanilla anymore.

It’s a waaaaaay different way to be with yourself, in love with yourself, in love with your own preferences and what brings you joy.

Without people who have entirely different preferences being mistaken, wrong, condemned, or bad.

Without trying to make yourself different!

Who would you be without the thought that there is something wrong with your relationship, with the person you’ve been interested in, with what has occurred so far in the learning between the two of you?

“My legs are on the coffee table, crossed at the ankles. One person may think, how unladylike; another might think, how comfortable. But with or without the thoughts, my legs are in the perfect position. And then I notice they uncross, and then they cross again, as I watch the movie of life, frame by frame: perfection, perfection, perfection, perfection. There is no frame you could freeze and look at that wouldn’t be the way of its perfect self. Only the mind that believes what it thinks is capable of creating imperfection.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is unladylike, or something is comfortable, or something is right, something is wrong…..as I look at my relationship with that person, I watch the movie of life.

I cross paths with them, I uncross paths with them. Without stressful thoughts, my world is stunning whether with them or without them.

Without my beliefs about that Difficult Person, I found that I relaxed. I was suddenly in the present moment. Here. No past to obsess over. No argument with what happened yesterday.

I found that I could enter the turnarounds finally, with peace:

  • I should like exactly what I like, it’s right (as long as it is)
  • I shouldn’t be different than I am, my desires are wonderful
  • my preferences are just right for me, they teach me, they live for a reason
  • satisfaction is here, now, in this present moment no matter who I am with or where I am
  • I am totally satisfied with me, myself and I. I am the love of my life!
  • I should be good at: work, money, parenting, cleaning, cooking, sex, fixing household items, commitment, jokes—or notice and enjoy and hire those who are, or not.

For me, as I opened to all formats, possibilities, people and the ways they build their relationships, I noticed where I felt in integrity, out of integrity, where it was easy or not so easy for me, where was just right for my own evolution.

“I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie

I love knowing that instead of being against that Other Person that I can simply question my beliefs, and move with rest and ease towards what I prefer.

There is no feeling of lack or being abandoned, or being sad (and if there is, I can question my thinking).

“Happiness is being allowed to be happy. Happiness is acknowledging it can never be wrong to be happy. Happiness is knowing you will be happy in the future. Happiness is realizing that there could never be a time when you should be unhappy.  Happiness is what is left when you stop believing you have to be unhappy. Happiness is knowing it is okay to be happy.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Do The Work, question your stressful beliefs, and enjoy yourself.

It may be more fun than you ever imagined.

And if there’s someone you’re having trouble with…join the Thursday 8 week class Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven. You can work on mother, father, son, daughter, boss, neighbor…doesn’t have to be a romantic partner.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

Click here to read about or register for YOI Year of Inquiry (only one spot left). You can register for telecalls only, or add the retreats and/or solo sessions. Discounted fees if you pay upfront, but monthly payment is also easy to set up.

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Could You Answer A Few Questions?

So grateful for the inquirers who showed up yesterday for the open telecalls to do The Work.

Deep gratitude for those who participated out loud, and those who participated by simply listening.

Here are the recording links:

Click HERE to replay the 8 am recording telecall

Click HERE to listen to the replay of the 5:15 pm telecall

I would also LOVE if you answered any of the questions in this survey (entirely anonymous) to help me improve, format, and bring The Work to you in ways that best serve you.

You don’t have to have been on the telecalls to answer some of the questions, so join in and answer whichever ones apply. I am grateful for your feedback:

CLICK HERE to answer a few questions

During the call in the morning, someone offered a really common painful belief that many humans have experienced at some time in their lives.

Have you ever had the stressful thought “that person should have honored our agreement!”

Yikes! I sure have!

In a very broad sense, I have felt this with spouse, mother, father, grandparents, best friend, man I dated, boss, co-worker, neighbor, children…

…this thought has risen in mild or extreme situations. It has encompassed my relationship to Reality in a very deep way.

Here’s what I mean:

  • my spouse should listen to me
  • my child should do what I ask
  • my mother should be patient
  • my father should live
  • money should be more available
  • my friend should have been honest with me
  • my friend should have respected me
  • my boss should have supported me
  • my co-worker should have trusted me
  • God/Source should have kept me safe

In all these situations where I believed these thoughts, there was a basic “agreement” I had in mind about how life should work, what should happen, what should be honored….and that agreement WAS NOT KEPT.

According to me.

Apparently, the other people involved had a different idea.

So who would I really, honestly be in that situation where someone didn’t meet my expectations, where they broke our agreement, where they surprised me with a change, and I did not think they shouldn’t do that?

Who says that people shouldn’t be allowed to step away, reconsider, or review their situations and make a new choice?

Even if it feels like the broken agreement hurts me?

Do I really want that person, those people, the entire universe to keep this thing I am calling an agreement and honor it forever, no matter what…even if they don’t WANT to honor the agreement?

The first turnaround to this painful belief is that the person in that troubling situation should NOT have honored their agreement.

It should have been broken.

Wow. Can I open my mind to find this opposite side of duality, the flip side of what I’ve been holding on to with resentment?

Is there anything that came out of that person not honoring the agreement we had that brought forth something important, powerful, life-changing…even magnificent?

That’s a big word.

But if we think the way it went was horrible, devastating, mean, disappointing, tragic….then we may need to find a big word for the opposite, to enter the feeling of the turnaround.

As I think about turning around my whole entire attitude, sensation and belief about this situation, can I find the possibility that this person DID honor our agreement?

I can find this to be truer for me.

That person was genuine, revealing, and real. They showed themselves….they showed their confusion, their discomfort, their fear, their love. They showed their anxiety, their belief-system.

When they apparently didn’t keep their agreement, they gave me the chance to keep my own agreement with myself: to be free, to love, to detach, to stop being a victim.

That person gave me to opportunity to say “no” freely, to say “yes” freely.

What do I really want in this life? In this situation?

To be me, to love myself, to love them, to stay awake, to allow, to let go, to know that I am OK, no matter what—even if people break their agreements with me, even if I hurt, even if I die.

And even as I consider deeply what I want, I am not sure I want anything except what is actually happening, and what has already happened….I mean, its all a Great Mystery.

“All that happiness is already supplied, but the unquestioned mind is so loud you don’t realize the happiness underneath that mind….You’re not in charge of it. It’s already there for you. I don’t have to do anything for my happiness; I just notice the world without my story, and in that I notice that I’m happy. It’s always supplied….The unquestioned mind fights anything that would bring you joy.”~ Byron Katie

Could it be true that even if that person is doing that thing that doesn’t appear kind or loving, that I am still at the very core deeply happy?

OK, if “happy” is a bit too much…how about OK? Are you still OK, no matter what has happened? You’re reading this, right?

Yes.

“The Master never reaches for the great; thus she achieves greatness. When she runs into a difficulty, she stops and gives herself to it. She doesn’t cling to her own comfort; thus problems are no problem for her.” ~ Tao Teo Ching #63

Click here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

Click here to read about or register for YOI Year of Inquiry (only one spot left). You can register for telecalls only, or add the retreats and/or solo sessions. Discounted fees if you pay upfront, but monthly payment is also easy to set up.

Love, Grace

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Competition Seen Clearly – No Win or Lose, Better or Worse

Reminder: Free Calls Work With Grace TODAY! Talk soon!

Phone: 206-402-0100 PIN Code 305799#

Skype: Call “joinconference” in your keypad, and then enter PIN 305799#

Listen on your computer (no talking):Click here to listen at 8 am Pacific Time

Listen on your computer (no talking): Click here to connect at 5:15 pm 9/5

*******

This past weekend in the US and Canada we had a long weekend, with Monday being a holiday.

The sun was bright, the smell of the sea air rich and fabulous, seagulls calling and sweeping through the air, as my two children and husband rode off on the ferry to Victoria, British Columbia, for high tea.

I am a British Citizen and so are my two children, even though they haven’t been to England (yet).

This two day adventure was planned long ago.

One brilliant part of the journey was spending half a day (and we wanted more) in the Royal BC Museum.

There just happened to be a display, in gorgeous photography and timelines, of the sordid and dramatic tale of one of my favorite stories (for some weird reason)….humans making it to the South Pole.

The continent had been visited. But now, there was interest in getting to the actual middle of the South Pole, the very center.

A great competition unfolded. Norwegians versus the Brits. Who would get there first?

If you don’t know the brutal story of these journeys…I’m afraid I have to reveal the ending.

The Norwegians won. And the final British party made it, stuck their flag in next to the tattered Norwegian flag and tent, and on their way back to safety…perished.

Based on the diary of the leader of the Brits, I had to chuckle when he wrote “the worst has happened” as they spied the Norwegian flag flying in the distance, and they realized they had lost the race.

Competition is a fierce and sometimes desperate energy…and a little skewed from reality.

The two extreme sides of it are 1) absolute intense determination to win, an almost enraged sense of purpose, ready to destroy anything in the way (not that I’ve ever felt that before).

And, 2) a similar intensity which says “I will not play, I don’t care, I refuse to compete, I give up entirely, I am nothing, I won’t do it.” (I wouldn’t know about that one either).

Many of us have touched on both sides, or at least felt the immense yearning for the power to win or succeed, or the power to refuse to play and to be very small.

But even if you haven’t felt the extremes…the awareness of competing enters into many peoples’ minds every day.

It’s called Comparison.

I saw concepts written right in front of me, in the story of the two leaders who raced to the South Pole, with their entire countries behind them waiting for the news of their success or defeat.

They wanted to be The One. They were willing to go to any lengths.

Which turned out to be Death for several of them.

“Every ego wants to be special. If it can’t be special by being superior to others, it’s also quite happy with being especially miserable. Someone will say, ‘I have a headache,’ and another says, ‘I’ve had a headache for weeks.’ People actually compete to see who is more miserable! The ego that does that is just as big as the one that thinks it’s superior to someone else.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

The way you know you are comparing yourself to someone else and having a little competition moment is that you see them, and something clenches inside.

I’ve had thoughts like these (some are kind of embarrassing):

  • she’s made it in her business in her 30s, she’s way ahead of me, I’m running out of time
  • he’s published four books, I’ve published zero
  • she has a gazillion more followers on her Facebook page
  • she has a ton of education to still finish so she won’t be my competition any time soon
  • he hates himself too much to become ultra successful (in which case I might be jealous)
  • I can’t believe with such a goofy haircut he was on Oprah and teaches sold out retreats
  • her life story is so extreme I’ve faced nothing compared to that, it makes me look like I got stung by a bee and thought it was the end of the world

That kind of thinking, while so immature, separating and busy that you may want to dismiss it and ignore it…is wonderful to question.

It allows those thoughts of competition to live, and be honored.

Maybe the energy of the competition is there as a striving to survive, to master, to create…who knows?

So who would I be without these thoughts as I see the varied and enormous number of characters enter and exit my thoughts, my awareness, my environment?

What if I couldn’t even have the thoughts that someone is better or worse off than me? Doing well or Not-so-well? Us versus Them? Bigger vs Smaller?

The idea that there’s a perfect image of success vs what’s-actually-happening?

I had the thought that without such a furious feeling of competition, perhaps all the men racing to the South Pole would have lived, and worked together….but then the story wouldn’t be so exciting, or such a teacher, something worthy of museum display 100 years later.

And if the ultimate competition is to go beyond this life on earth…well then the British won. (Ha!)

The turnarounds to this thinking truly are “I don’t know” what is success, there is no better or worse, there is no end point to the win or the lose (something always happens next), it is impossible to measure anything absolutely.

Everything simply is the way it is…beautifully, perfectly, kindly empty or full.

The first time I went to see Adyashanti, one of my favorite spiritual teachers, I said as I came to the microphone full of questions and desperation about understanding All This.

With trembling hands and tearful voice, I took the mic. “I never heard of you before until recently, and I’m so glad to be here.”

He replied “I never heard of YOU before either.”

Love, Grace

If you’re ready to join in the company of other amazing inquirers and work together (even if you notice comparison arise) then join us:

 

Click here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass.

Click here to read about or register for YOI!

 

Love, Grace

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Be Honest When You’re Stuck And Join With Others

Everyone: tomorrow I am offering two 90-minute free telecalls to do The Work of Byron Katie.

No experience necessary. And if you have a ton of experience, you’re welcome to join as well!

There’s room for 25 people on the phone or skype, the first 8 or so can participate in the process, with everyone free to ask questions or comment at the very end.

100 people can be there by clicking on the weblink and listening in via computer, although you won’t be heard or seen “live” on the call.

Even if you do not speak out loud during the inquiry process, you can follow along and do your own personal work.

Come with a pen and paper so you can write some of your answers on paper, and have clear concepts to work with beyond this phone call….you’ll know what you can take through the inquiry process later, on your own or with a facilitator.

I will be recording the calls and putting a link to them, if they sound OK technically, on my website and to share with others who are wanting to learn to question their thinking.

Which means, only plan on participating if you don’t mind having me identify you by your first name, and if it’s OK with you that you are recorded.

We will do The Work on a common, stressful underlying belief identified by someone on the call.

I can’t wait to meet with you, whoever shows up.

These calls are Pacific Time!
Time: Thursday, September 5th
Listening method: Phone + Web Simulcast
Phone number: (206) 402-0100
PIN Code: 305799#
To attend on your computer, visit:

The other day when I was thinking about these calls, imagining and working with this process to create one complete phone session as a service for people reminds me once again of how simple, yet complex, The Work is.

Self-inquiry is so confusing sometimes!

When I first encountered The Work when reading Loving What Is, I didn’t even have a reference for asking myself if something was true or not.

It was like someone would ask “Is it true?” and I’d look to the left, to the right, and say “Who me? You talkin’ to me?”

(You can put on a tough-guy east coast accent like Robert Deniro when you say this).

I wasn’t even sure, up to that point, that I actually wanted to be the one to answer the question of whether or not something was true for me.

In fact, my general approach to life was that it was chaotic, frightening, freakish, impersonal, cold and not to be trusted.

This was the problem! I didn’t know what was or was not true! Things were deceiving around here!

Now, a decade later after contemplating and answering this question many times…I at least know that no one else can tell me the answer I have.

If I think “life is scary” then no one can talk me out of it (in any permanent way) or soothe me enough, or calm me down once-and-for-all.

I have to answer that question myself…and then keep going with the other questions of The Work.

The funny thing about this that I’ve found, is that some of the most powerful, life-changing, mind-changing moments I’ve had have been in the presence of other people, as we all listen and hold the questions together.

Or as someone facilitates me through the questions, not letting my mind slip away into other interests or into remembering the story.

The power of another person being with you as you answer the questions known as The Work can be truly profound.

You are witnessed, you are real and honest, you are authentic. At least, this is what I have experienced.

Everything is exposed, nothing is hidden. It’s a confession of the real me, the truth, and then…no attack on this expression, but instead loving kindness.

This is freedom!

Come join a group of inquirers on the phone together, seeing who we could be without our stories.

We’re all in this together, no matter what stage or phase or unique situation. In fact, there is even connection between us that knits together without even trying, just by sharing our woes and pain.

“When we start out on a spiritual path we often have ideals we think we’re supposed to live up to. We feel we’re supposed to be better than we are in some way. But with this practice you take yourself completely as you are. Then ironically, taking in pain—breathing it in for yourself and all others in the same boat as you are—heightens your awareness of exactly where you’re stuck. Instead of feeling you need some magic makeover so you can suddenly become some great person, there’s much more emotional honesty about where you’re stuck.” ~ Pema Chodron 

Only one space left for YOI Year of Inquiry group that starts on Thursday 9/12.

Still 3 spots left in the 8 week shorter teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven at 9/12 at 8 am.

If connecting with a group to question your beliefs sounds wonderful, then maybe now’s the time!

Click here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass.

Click here to read about or register for YOI!

Love, Grace

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Hitting Bottom, Giving Up, And Entering Now

Recently I was listening to an old recording of a man called Father Martin, who was an alcoholic who entered a treatment facility for clergymen in 1958.

The recording had little tick and gravelly sounds, like it was very old, a nostalgic feel like a moment from history.

I could hear this man using a powerful mind to analyze, comprehend, and understand this process of alcoholism, and his own painful experience.

The day before I listened to the recording, I had been a part of a spontaneous and profound discussion amongst myself and three other wonderful friends (one being my husband) as we left an event at the same time.

It had been one of those beautiful conversations that arises unexpectedly where we were all sharing deep observations, standing there with our bags and backpacks, having thought we were going home but instead lingering for over 90 minutes until after midnight, listening to one another, thinking, observing out loud.

A council of the wise, in an unplanned moment.

One point that had come up with these dear friends…why some people suffer, crash, find peace or make significant life changes, and why some do not?

For example, why do some addicts hit bottom, find themselves in ruin, recognize a deep need to stop the way they view the world, and make a life change….and some do not?

As I listened to Father Martin I thought of that conversation. I thought that actually, everyone does stop.

It’s just that some people do it before they die. Others wait until death.

“When a person says I can’t handle it, I need help….there’s hope.” ~ Father Martin

I thought about this balance between learning and growing within this individual mind and the support and help I’ve received from what appears to be outside this thing called “me”.

Such an odd thing.

Aware of this “me” that is a personality and a body, that was born and will die on its own….and yet noticing that whatever this person here is….it is a part of the molecules and surrounding entities, life, environment, objects, energies, influences, other people, everything.

Truly connected to it all, in the soup with it all. Entirely merged with everything, part of a field.

But enough of the cosmic stuff.

There is something comforting about the possibility of entering a moment of surrender, agony, or disaster that forces an individual to wake up.

Or if not comforting exactly, something magnetic about that story. He or she was like that, for many years….and then one day…something happened.

And it was good. The suffering at such an acute level was over.

It doesn’t have to be about alcohol.

In fact, its not really ever about drinking alcohol, using, smoking, compulsively surfing the internet, not being able to stop cleaning your house, or any other “addictive” process.

All those behaviors are born out of difficult THINKING. Difficult perceptions, believing painful thoughts. Having a relationship to the universe that is fearful, nervous, sad, worried, angry.

“Your whole life has been about finding a way out. You’ve tried therapy,
coaching, meditation, bodywork, creative visualization, positive thinking,
network marketing, blue-green algae, everything you can possibly try to
save you. And suddenly you realize there is no way out. There is a complete stop. You are simply here. There’s no escape.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Dang it! I wanted the Get-Outta-Normal-Life-Free Card!

Not really. Not now.

As I look back on my own life journey, I remember the time in my twenties when I was suicidally depressed. My moods swung from wildly hopeful to horrendously pessimistic.

Life felt very volatile, unpredictable and frightening. I reached out for help. I did NOT want to die young.

What was really volatile, unpredictable and frightening? My stories about the world, my thinking.

I suppose I did hit bottom in that story…facing the fact that my own approach to life was not working, was too stressful, was deadly.

I not only quit binge-eating and starving myself and smoking tobacco and drinking alcohol in drunken quantities….I most importantly began to question what I believed at a very, very deep level.

When you can stop long enough to question your thinking for a moment when difficult things happen, then your bottoms and tops become closer together, less deep, less high.

Maybe there are little bottoms all day long, little reminders that you are not in charge, you are not getting special treatment, and there’s really no way out of this.

Just in case you’re one of those people who may be thinking you have never hit bottom, or had a huge shake-up, or never faced a moment when it was a matter of life or death for you to change….and you long for a Big Change…

…answer right now: is it true that you need to hit bottom? that you need big pain or confusion to alter your life experience? that you need to have some major shift of consciousness like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle?

Is it true that you need to wake up out of dream NOW, with a bang? Do you need to have a big discovery inside to henceforth have a better life?

No, doesn’t appear to be true. Some people wake up more gently and slowly, in baby steps.

Some people don’t make much change.

The thing about hitting bottom is that you don’t really know you hit it until long afterwards, and you look back and can see how you turned in a different direction.

Without the belief that I need to shift, change, have a waking up experience, become enlightened, see differently….then I really have just about no future.

I am here now with no expectations.

No way out.

“Stand in your own shoes, and examine closely: What’s happening right here and right now? Is it possible to let go of trying to make anything happen? Even in this moment, there may be some suffering, there may be some unhappiness, but even if there is, is it possible to no longer push against it, to try to get rid of it, to try to get somewhere else?” ~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

P.S. only one space left for YOI group that starts on Thursday 9/12. If connecting with a group to question your beliefs for a year sounds wonderful, then maybe now’s the time! Join us!