Month: September 2013

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Buyers Remorse Tornado

Yesterday someone very close to me….OK, my husband…asked me a question.

You would have thought I just heard a radio alert that a tornado has just destroyed downtown Seattle and its now headed straight for our neighborhood!!!

It was 10 pm and we had just turned the light out to go to sleep.

“I heard you bought Ben shoes today that cost $153. What made you decide to buy such expensive shoes for him?”

I quickly replied, “He really liked them, I think these are the nicest and best-made shoes he’s ever had. His feet are not growing anymore. I think it’s OK..”

My voice was very calm and normal, casual like no-big deal, here’s my answer and yeah, I’m happy with that choice.

Heh heh.

Literally 2 minutes later he was asleep.

But there’s a tornado careening towards the neighborhood, remember?

BUYER’S REMORSE!!

It’s called Instant Stress In A Cup, kinda like pouring boiling hot water on a cup of noodles for Instant Lunch. I was BOILING in stressful thinking!

  • he’s questioning my purchases for my son!
  • he thinks I spent too much
  • I shouldn’t have spent it–I should keep my money
  • he said “such expensive” and that means he thinks I’m wildly extravagant
  • he’s got scarcity mentality
  • I shouldn’t have gotten married last year (yes, I thought this)
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is dangerous!

After 15 minutes of planning out how I could quickly get divorced, on paper, and stop the tornado from coming….

…I got up! Adrenaline is difficult to mix with sleep, I’ve noticed.

I went into my son’s room, where he was happily enjoying his last days of computer time before leaving for college.

I said “do you really like those shoes? I’m worried about how expensive they were. And you still need running shoes….maybe if we took them back and switched to two pairs for the same amount of dollars?”

(hand-wringing, hand-wringing).

He assured me that he loved them, they are the nicest shoes he’s ever owned, and he’ll buy his own running shoes. He is 19 after all.

We were laughing, soon, as I confessed I’m a worry-nut and also said how much I LOVED buying him those shoes.

And also how deeply grateful that I can even afford them, since only four years ago, it was out of the question.

I went back to bed and fell asleep.

In the morning I did The Work.

Now that I was all reassured with the purchase, I noticed many thoughts still running through my mind.

He shouldn’t say anything about what I spend my money on! It’s MINE! Good shoes are hard to find! And they weren’t $153 they were $140 plus tax! Single is better than married!

Justify Justify Defend How Dare You Justify Defend Justify I Have My Rights!!

Really? 

Um, well, no. This not an emergency.

And no, he only asked a simple question, he didn’t even have a “tone”. And no, I have no idea that something terrible will happen if he did indeed disapprove of my purchase.

I don’t actually know that he DOES disapprove, come to think of it.

With the thought?  Good lord. It’s a wild drama. I’m looking for the safest course of action. I’m thinking about the future, the past, emergencies and people having opinions of my actions around money.

There might not be enough! If this keeps up, I’ll lose everything!

With the thought, I’m not looking at myself, I’m looking at him. I’m not looking at my own freaky scarcity orientation in that moment. That I shouldn’t spend unnecessary money, I need to hold on to it, store it.

Believing all those stressful thoughts, I’m worried about ME being a BAD CHOOSER. I’m really afraid that I can’t trust myself and I don’t make good decisions.

So who would I be without the thought, in that moment just a split second after my husband asked his question….without the thought that I’ve made a mistake, I’ve spent too much money, I’ve done it wrong?

I’d hear his powerful question, even if he DID have a tone.

I’d check in with ME to see if it feels right. I’d feel free to say yes or no when buying something for my kids, with ease.

An experiment in noticing fear, anxiety, making trades, flowing money into other places, watching my assumptions, allowing myself to be me, handing over money to someone else.

I turn it all around:

  • I am questioning my purchases for my son! Yikes!
  • I think I spent too much
  • I should have spent it—I shouldn’t keep “my” money
  • “such expensive” means I think I’m wildly extravagant
  • I’ve got scarcity mentality – yes, I’m ready to draw lines and boundaries about this money that I apparently believe is mine
  • I should have gotten married last year, it’s beautiful
  • this whole united on paper marriage situation is safe

I see the happiness on my son’s face and in his words, and I delight in that.

Yes, we could return the shoes. But that doesn’t seem necessary now, even though that is a wonderful option sometimes.

“Happiness is the freedom to be as we are, however we are; richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, gaining or losing, succeeding or failing, wanting or not wanting, approving or not approving, forever. Happy is what we are and what we’ll be if we don’t believe we are wrong to be as we are.” ~ Bruce DiMarsico

Now is another moment, now I have enough money. Now, I take a very deep breath.

Now, I speak to my husband and tell him my reaction last night and he says “wow, amazing mind!” and I find out he wasn’t concerned.

“It helps greatly to see that being lost at times is all part of the dance and that nothing is really an enemy, a distraction or a failure. The light and the dark go together as one seamless happening.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Turns out there was only the THOUGHT of a tornado.

And now, a slower gentleness inside about buying things….appreciating that gorgeous store where the shoes came from that I hadn’t been inside of for probably ten years, noticing how fun it is to thrift shop, looking at beliefs about acquiring, paying for things.

“Is money the problem, or is what they [you] were believing about money the problem? Money is absolutely innocent. Money never gave anyone one problem. It just sits there…..from parents to money, all innocent.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

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The Problem With Being A Good Person

The feelings of guilt and shame are dark and disabling for many people.

I shouldn’t have done that, if only I had seen it coming, I wish I would have been more aware at the time, I didn’t pay attention to the clues, that person was too much for me, I handled that so poorly, I must have done something wrong, I made a mistake, I tried to help but it didn’t work, I guess I’m not good enough…

It’s a sick feeling in the stomach. Or for some people, pure terror coursing through the body.

At least that’s what I’ve discovered so far, when I’ve felt guilty…

…it’s a sense that I want to “fix” it, become re-connected with someone, know that all is well and everyone feels happy.

Even if there is nothing to actually FIX.

“Guilt. Punishing yourself before God doesn’t.” ~ Alan Cohen

Several years ago I was a part of a project where a woman made a speech at a meeting about all the sneaky, lying people who smoked cigarettes but said they were non-smokers.

It was so weird…I was walking after the meeting and thought I saw her on the street, and suddenly panicked and felt like she was boring her eyes into me to find that secret cigarette behind my back, even though I hadn’t smoked in 25 years.

The definition of guilt in the dictionary means criminal, morally delinquent, wicked, charged, responsible for. 

Have you ever felt like it was your fault that someone got upset? That someone is suffering, and you had something to do with it?

“I have never smuggled anything in my life. Why, then, do I feel an uneasy sense of guilt on approaching a customs barrier?” ~ John Steinbeck 

Troubling beliefs producing guilt are tricky, and a really, really, really good ones to question.

I need to do everything I possibly can to help that suffering person, fix it, make amends, bring peace, make up for it, ease the pain. I need to prove that I am one of the GOOD people.

When I was in a very vulnerable period of life transition (divorce) I befriended two different people who every time I got together with them, afterwards I’d feel lousy.

I did The Work many times on both. They were incredible teachers.

They were also both suffering deeply. One with mental illness, one with having an affair and questioning their marriage.

I was such a good listener. I was THERE for them. I found them fascinating, really. Brilliant people, a little crazy, exciting. We laughed hard.

But I realized there was one person I was not actually listening to well at all, one person I was disrespecting and ignoring.

Me.

Only a couple of years ago, I did it again very briefly: I played the role of the good, kind, easy-going, all-accepting human….to a raving alcoholic addict.

In all of these relationships, I’d feel very uneasy, like I couldn’t speak up, or have a truly vulnerable, direct conversation.

These people all had secrets.

I’d also feel pumped up with pride at my amazing people-skills….the kind of people-skills that make Someone Else, NOT ME, feel good when they are around me, when they are in my presence.

Isn’t that what good, kind, loving people do? Don’t they help others feel better, ease the pain of the world, offer safe-haven? Aren’t they positive lights for everyone they encounter?

Let’s question this one.

I need to be positive, help, support, fix, ease the pain, offer love, bring happiness…and this means not speaking up, not saying I don’t support what they’re doing.

Is that true?

Yes, I grew up with the Sound of Music, Jesus, angels and church and learning not to be “selfish”.

Of course that’s my goal, of course I need to be kind, helpful, supportive, loving!

When I’m not, I feel guilty and I need get to work on it immediately and get an attitude adjustment!

But can you absolutely know that its true?

Do you really need or even want to be helpful, positive, supportive, fix problems, ease the pain, offer love, and bring happiness to those around you…and are you sure it looks the way you think it looks? 

Are you sure you have to WORK at this, do the “right thing”? Are you sure you’re not OK all by yourself, without being some kind of awesome super-human being?

Perfectionism is not about striving for excellence, it’s a cognitive behavioral process, a way of thinking and feeling that says this: If I look perfect, do it perfect, work perfect, and live perfect, I can avoid or minimize shame, blame and judgment.” ~ Brene Brown

I know that how I react when I believe that I need to be super-loving-supporter good brilliant friend is that I don’t say no, I smile, I stay on the phone longer than I want, I feel doubt and worry.

And who would I be without the thought that I need to ease peoples’ pain, offer support, be loving…and that this means not saying what I really think out loud?

Who would I really be without the thought that I need to be a Good Person?

Dang, it’s *F*A*N*T*A*S*T*I*C*.

It’s vulnerable, but real. I feel alive, excited, free and so very honest and authentic.

I could die tomorrow, I have such intimacy with what is here today. I am including the voice inside me that knows what true love really is…it does not have to be careful. 

I turn the thought around that I have to be supportive, loving and kind (and that looks like “x”).

I do not have to help or be supportive. I do not have to listen. I do not have to be nice, kind, perfect, easy-going, self-less, or say yes. Ever.

I can notice that I’m a part of a great connected atmosphere….and that when people are yelling and looking for a criminal and they knock on my door, it’s OK that I feel big feelings of fear run through me, even if I didn’t do it.

I can question my beliefs of what is good, bad and follow integrity, true integrity.

“You know all that little ego stuff? That’s gotta go. Which is fortunate. Is wonderful. Because at least then, there is no question, there is no doubt, that when you let go of the egoic self, there’s no doubt what there is. What there IS, is what you ARE, and what you ARE, is about the most wonderful place you could fall back into. So at least you know THAT. You know that when you let go of the egoic self, what you’re getting in exchange is the whole universe, you’re getting all of existence.” ~ Adyashanti  

Thank you to the people who I encountered who pushed me to be truthful, to be a mean girl, to be powerful, to say goodbye.

Every one of them helped destroy some of that “ego stuff”. My image of myself as Good, Helpful, Support-Genius.

All that’s left here is joy, gratitude, emptiness.

Much Love, Grace

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Could Your Environment Be Secretly Serving You?

Searching for a parking place is a waste of time! 

Have you ever wondered why you decided to go downtown?

The thought crossed my mind yesterday afternoon as I circled blocks under overcast skies. Huge tall buildings, honking cars, taxis, wide clumps of people crossing when their light turned green.

Noticing your environment is not “working” the way you want is actually a sort of funny, busy, nit-picky little voice that loves to assess the imperfection of just about any situation.

Oh, I thought I would already be parked, and inside a cafe working on my computer by now. Why are all those people waving flags and dressed in football costumes? Where is that parking garage entrance again (as I passed it for the second time)? It’s HOW MUCH to park?!!

Whose bright idea was this to come downtown? 

The thing is, this type of viewpoint can happen in ANY environment.

Just when you think it’s quiet, nurturing, relaxing….you notice a fly that won’t stop buzzing, you wish you had some company, your time is up and you have to leave now, the music they’re playing is annoying, or you have to go to the bathroom and its a long way to the closest WC.

It’s one thing to be at a stress-level volume of a 1…but what about a 5? We won’t even discuss a 10…like being in the middle of a war zone, or a strange unexpected accident.

Somehow no matter what level, its when you notice there is a sense of being resistant to what’s going on.

It happened before I knew it. I don’t like this. Get me outta here. Bad idea.

What a waste of time, I’m losing out, oh fer gawd sakes….that’s a One Way?

This is not heaven.

Oops.

Really? 

I took a deep breath. All of the sudden, like coming up from being underwater, the questions…almost like a feeling of warmth entering in…

Are you sure this is frustrating and annoying, and too uncertain, too crowded, too loud?

Well. No.

How do you react when you believe it has to be unfolding differently than it is?

How do you react when you think you should be parked by now? Out of the car, not inside of the car? For free, or with the cheapest deal you can find?

What happens when you start to think that what is happening is your fault, that you got yourself into this mess and you’re a dork, you should have thought of a different option…blah blah blah…?

Yes, even during a little moment in life like this one?

Stress enters the body, everything seems to be centered around ME, even when I’m noticing other fascinating, interesting things cross my vision or my hearing, I ignore them.

I decide my environment is meaningless, stupid. It’s a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I squeeze the steering wheel.

Who would you be without the thought that your environment is not optimum, that your surroundings are a little too scary, or expensive, or loud, or strange?

Without that thought that it’s your own damn fault for deciding to come to this place! Jeez!

I smile. I realize that this place is absolutely fascinating. There are people and stuff and moving parts and sounds and colors EVERYWHERE.

Without the thought, I pick the next parking garage. All is well. There’s no perfect “free” parking.

I notice the garage is very quiet. I notice I can move this body and this car from there to here at any time, no one stopping me.

The freedom to come and go is actually astounding. Open choice, every moment.

“Though walking down the street doesn’t seem like a lot to some people, to me it’s a whole world, it’s my secret world, where I’m always serving everyone and everything, as they serve me.” ~ Byron Katie

Inside a cafe, as I wait for my son and then my daughter, I notice its so incredibly quiet in here, the server is such a dear young man, he makes my hot drink with care and attention, he says “yes” there is free wi-fi.

I stare out at the scenery instead of looking at my computer. The bright lights of the Macy’s Department store, pristine shining floors, a woman trying perfumes and having her man smell them, people so happy.

I realize that I became afraid for a moment. The level of movement and activity and total chaos made me nervous. I was threatened. Like when people yell at others in traffic who feel anxious about getting hurt. 

“You want people to be steady enough so that you can predict their behavior. If they aren’t it disturbs you. This is because you have made your predictions of their behavior part of your inner model. This protective shield of beliefs and concepts regarding the outside world acts as insulation between you and the people you interact with.” ~ Michael Singer 

Without the shield of “thinking” between me and this wild environment, I look around with wonder. Absolute amazement.

Oh, maybe this is heaven after all. I forgot for a second.

Much Love, Grace

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Some Fall Classes You May Like

I don’t always send out an email on Sundays. I’m often busy volunteering in the morning on the Help Line where I facilitate The Work (for more information on accessing the Help Line click HERE).

So this is a shortie, since many people have asked about upcoming classes the next few months.

The list below is freshly updated!

In October, there are two teleclasses beginning:

One is on Our Wonderful Sexuality and all the stressful thoughts that seem to appear around it, like sexual expression, wanting or not wanting sex, remembering fearful or uncomfortable incidents. If lots of people want this class on Monday EVENING then I’ll add it! Write grace@workwithgrace.com.

The other October teleclass is Pain, Sickness and Death. We look at physical pain, the experience of illness, and that mysterious and often very painful experience of other people’s deaths or anticipation of our own. This class is six weeks on Tuesdays 10/29 at 5:15 pm Pacific Time.

October 19th is the next 4 hour mini-retreat for dropping in to The Work, giving yourself time to question. We meet as a small group at Goldilocks Cottage in Seattle (my house). 4 hours CEU credits available for mental health professionals.

Then oh boy, the class I’ve taught almost twenty times now: Horrible Food Wonderful Food, Too Much Not Enough. We look straight on at the beliefs we have about eating, foods, and our bodies. You’ll get some powerful exercises for traveling the journey of questioning your Food Religion, as I call it.

The Food teleclass meets Fridays, 11/1 at 9 am Pacific time, just in time for the holiday season. Maybe inquiry will offer you more peace around the abundance of food.

Finally, come for an intensive weekend on December 14-15 in Seattle to look deeply at the compulsive beliefs around food, eating, and your body. If you’ve taken this class before, I’ve added some components.

The Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend offers an introduction to YOU and your relationship with food…but you may have new ideas on how to be with food, with other people, and with life once you leave. It’s non-residential.

And oh my gosh. I can’t help mentioning that a Year of Inquiry (YOI!) NEW group will begin in January on Fridays. We have three teleclasses per month and only 12 people, and we really get to know each other, with a special topic for inquiry each month.

Maybe this is the time for you to join a group, a class, set aside time this fall season to get introspective…..to take a journey to freedom.

  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Mondays, October 21-December 9, 2013 8-9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays 1:30-5:30 pm. 2013: 10/19, 11/30.  2014 Mini Retreats: 1/18, 3/8, 5/3, 10/11, 12/6/14. 4 CEUs can be earned. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats.
  • A Year Of Inquiry For The Addictive Mind: 3 Friday Telegroups per month January 10, 2014 – December December 19, 2014 at 9:00-10:30 am PT, 2 in-person Seattle retreats, 4 solo sessions. Pro-rated option to choose telegroups only. Click here to read about it, check the dates, and register
  • Pain, Sickness and Death: The Worst That Can Happen. Tuesdays, October 29-December 3, 2013 5:15-6:45 pm PT. 6 wk teleclass $295. Register Here
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Too Much Not Enough–Ending The Love/Hate Relationship With Eating.Fridays November 1-December 20, 2013 9-10:30 am PT. 8 wk teleclass. Register Here.
  • Too Much Not Enough Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend!
    Seattle, December 14-15, 2013 $295 Saturday 10 am – 6 pm and Sunday 9 am – 4 pm. Includes Saturday lunch (Sunday on your own).

Check out the list below and the links to read about the classes or to register.

Much Love, Grace

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Toleration Games

The other day I was reading a book.

(I know! Get off my back! I’m working on the whole must-gather-more-information-and-read-endlessly addiction thing! Just give me a little more time!)

Anyway.

There was a passage suggesting that when we are tolerating other people….it’s actually a very sneaky and troubling separation tactic.

So many campaigns by governments, schools, neighborhoods, groups that sound positive, reasonable, and important that use either being for or against it: “TOLERANCE” or “ZERO-TOLERANCE”.

“Tolerance is a very dull virtue. It is boring. Unlike love, it has always had a bad press. It is negative. It merely means putting up with people, being able to stand things.” ~ E.M. Forster

As I read, I could see how deciding to tolerate someone, or a group of people, looked like an effort to control ones words, or feelings, in the presence of Those People.

Tolerate actually is defined in the dictionary as to let, permit, allow, suffer.

I could see that being tolerant might be a form of keeping oneself from exploding or getting upset, or crying or fuming in frustration, or showing how scared you are.

But as I was breeezin’ past this idea like a freight train leaving the dust behind…it dawned on me…uh oh.

YOU do this, Grace. There are actually some people that you, er, “tolerate”. 

In other words, there is a part of me that is a bit nervous around them. Or, I want to plug my ears when I hear their voice. Or, I’m thinking things about them that I don’t actually SAY out loud. Ever.

Sigh.

Have you ever been in a meditation retreat and here comes the guy who already shared yesterday? Yada Yada, we already know you’re whole long story, just ask your question!

Or the other guy who always has such a bossy, commanding, pleading request for me to volunteer again for his group.

Something inside me, as I drove my car, tuned in to this very small objection to those Other People…who really are not threatening, or close, and who don’t cross paths with me very often.

Yes…time to do The Work on THEM.

Watching to see where I believe that my only option is to tolerate…not to actually love, connect, and know that I am really similar to them.

So I begin: he should stop pestering me on the phone. 

(He’s only called me 3 times in the last year…but we’ll go ahead and call itpestering, since that’s what this mind came up with).

I don’t like his tactics, he’s too pushy, if I said what I really feel I’d look mean or frightened, he creeps me out, he should take a hint and leave me alone, he should stop calling, and I need to be accepting and tolerant!

Is it true? Really?

Yes! How will we all get along in society unless we tolerate each other? I need to politely say no and go away.

Because he’s too pushy.

Are you sure you need to just be polite and exit the situation? Are you positivehe is pushy? Is that what you really want? Is that the way you really want to live?

Are you absolutely positive there’s no way to connect more deeply with this human being? 

How do I react when I believe the thought that when someone’s voice or energy bothers me, I need to tolerate them, withdraw, avoid?

I’m believing they are dangerous somehow, that I need to be careful. When I think I need to tolerate that person, or those people, I do feel superior. I feel like I am better, different.

I’m not happy. Definitely not peaceful.

Some part of me wants to be kind, nice, gentle and easy. I want to be liked.

Once, I was at a conference and shared a room with another attendee, to save money.

She invited other attendees over for cocktails. I went to sleep with a pillow over my head while they talked and drank until 2 or 3 am.

I know that I’m a very quick and deep sleeper and mostly was sleeping, but turned over many times because of laughter, lights on, noise.

I was in pure mute Tolerant Mode. Not willing to say “could you move this party?”

How do I react when I believe that I want to be liked, or someone is a little creepy or dangerous, or I don’t know them so I have to be careful?

I’m powerless, a victim, I am distrusting, stuck, surviving, looking down my nose at them, rolling my eyes…..not thriving or free!

Who would I be without the thought that my only option with someone is to tolerate them?

So much more honest. Real. Willing to speak even though my heart is beating, and my arms are shaking and I have sweaty armpits.

Without the thought that I have to be careful…I tell the truth.

Turning the thoughts around, I find that I do not need to tolerate. That’s not good enough for me.

I don’t like my tactics, I’m too pushy with myself, if I am mean or frightened it’s honest—I’m not all peaceful all the time, I creep myself out with my images of bad stuff that might happen if I’m real, I should take a hint and leave myself alone and leave him alone by stopping blaming him for my being scared, I should stop calling myself and pestering myself to be accepting and tolerant!

Who would I be without the thought that it’s not safe to speak up, that I have to tolerate the situation?

A relief, but also a little scary, pushing beyond my usual safety zone. I’m taking a step into a unknown, mysterious universe, not a terrifying one that needs to be tolerated.

 “Most people tell you they want to get out of kindergarten, but don’t believe them. Don’t believe them! All they want you to do is to mend their broken toys. ‘Give me back my wife. Give me back my job. Give me back my money. Give me back my reputation, my success.’ This is what they want; they want their toys replaced.” ~ Anthony DeMello

I am willing to give up any reputation, image, or identity I have with being nice, tolerant, kind, gentle, forgiving, easy-going. 

I am willing to expose that I am scared and nervous chicken sometimes.

I look forward to speaking up, with kindness, directly, to connect for reals, to say the hard stuff.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. ‘If I felt completely peaceful,’ they say, ‘why would I bother taking action at all?’ My answer is ‘Because that’s what love does.’ To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become.” ~ Byron Katie

Every single time I say it, things turn out better than I ever dreamed of, even when it didn’t seem like it at first.

“Many people would be surprised that, in fact, I’m quite shy.” ~ Desmond Tutu

Love, Grace

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Disaster Creates A Hole God Shines Through

Have you ever had an incident where something of yours was stolen, vanished, taken, or moved….and you became very upset?

All of us have experienced something like this, of course, and often at a very young age.

We’re playing with a fun toy that we love, we have something special that we keep in a secret hidey place, and one day, its gone.

Or another kid (or sibling) comes along and grabs it! Right out of our hand!

The childhood memories often seem unimportant, or forgotten.

And yet, if someone comes along and takes something you believe is yours, right now, as an adult…

….you may notice the same kind of reaction on the inside as when you were a kid.

Panic! Anger! Where’s my thing?!

This is TERRIBLE! I will never find another thing like that one! It was soooo hard to get that thing! That thing cost a lot of money!

It’s *M*I*N*E* !!!

The other day I returned to my little toyota that had been parked on a city street for about five hours, and as I approached, I saw that there was a bunch of stuff on top of the roof.

Hmmm, kinda strange.

Oh look, it was MY stuff, from the inside of my car! Papers, sunglasses, umbrella, mug.

In fact, someone had ransacked the car, every cubby and glove compartment and CD case all torn open, thrown around, strewn over the back seat.

My gym bag was gone. My cool nike shoes!

Nothing was worth much.

EXCEPT THOSE SHOES! ARRGGGGHHH!

But it was almost like the images, the wondering about who was here, who did this, what they were thinking, and where my stuff was NOW would appear as an idea to follow….and then it would sort of fizzle out.

Oddly, within seconds of registering that the shoes were gone, I thought, oh, I’ve been wanting new ones.

But what if I had something really valuable in my car? A new purchase left on the seat? A secret envelope with money?

As I put things back where they were before, I thought about Byron Katie and one of her stories about returning to her home after traveling and finding everything completely gone.

Only mattresses left.

The Grinch Who Stole Christmas to the highest level!

I’ve been wronged! Disrespected! Attacked! Violated!

The stress rises, the worry, the images, the anger. But instead of riding that very upset horse into the sunset and screaming at the thief, wanting revenge…let’s start questioning.

Let’s see what happens, as we investigate.

Is it true that you have been wronged, violated? Do you really need those things that were once here, which are now somewhere else, apparently?

YES! Of course I need them! Can’t you see what I can’t now do, without those things?! This is BAD. This is serious!

Are you sure?

YES! That piece of jewelry was in my family for three generations! That computer cost me a ton of money! I can’t replace that car! 

I find that when I think about losing things that I value highly, I don’t really, really know that it’s true that the situation is dire, that I can’t go on, or that I can’t live without those things.

I do not know that it is true that this is 100% terrible!

How I react when I believe someone took my stuff and I need it?

Frightened! It could happen again! Angry! I am a victim! Pain, stress, tense!

Who would I be if I didn’t believe at this core, deep level that I have been violated? That I can’t go on, or that this is truly horrible, un-fixable, irreplaceable, impossible?

For me, I see that everything is temporary, when I don’t believe these thoughts.

I see that I am breathing, comfortable, even excited, connected with others….the world is actually full of stuff. Things are all around me, new items entering my life, old items leaving.

Everything changes form. Everything. 

I begin to see evidence of the turnarounds being truer than my thought that this is bad, hard, terrible, wrong.

Perhaps from this (I can see the excitement arising already) comes good, easy, wonderful, right.

Not denial (I still file the police report).

Not passive. Not at all.

Alive, thrilled, happy, creative energy.

“Every disaster, whether on a personal level or on a collective level, it looks dreadful….Often, disaster means that forms dissolve….it’s as if a hole were opening up in the fabric of existence….it’s painful, but that is the hole where God shines through.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Even to stop and rest in this a moment, to entertain this possibility that all is ultimately well, that something good can come from this thing that looks like loss….

….you do not have to clap your hands for joy, only open to the idea that loss happens, and so does gain. Always.

Love, Grace

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Not Having Enough Time and What To Do About It

The YOI Group is full. However, today at 8 am Pacific Time there is room for one more person to join the 8 week teleclass (you only need a phone, but you can use skype for free). Click here to register. Send me an email if you have questions: grace@workwithgrace.com.

If you miss the first class, you can listen to the recording and catch up.

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Meanwhile, back at the ranch, a stressful thought appeared.

I don’t have enough time. 

Now, I do realize that I’ve written about that mysterious, captivating, desirable entity before….called TIME.

But this is just a slightly different stressful thought we’re investigating today: “I don’t have enough” as opposed to “I need more”.

In our wonderful YOI 1 group currently underway, we are in month four…and our topic this month is Everyday Complaints.

We were all finding ourselves extremely funny, laughing as we shared the awareness of the constant stream of thoughts about things like Other Slow People at the shopping center.

Several members of the group noticed the complaint about time.

Dang it!!! Did you have to bring that up again?!

It seems like there’s a limited amount of time. And I have enough creations, adventures, people to meet, people to hang out with, experiences to have, things to finish…that require ten or fifty times the quantity of time than is actually available.

We’ll also sometimes have periods in our lives where we say: “there is too much time on our hands” or “too much time spent on x”.

Two sides of the same coin. Too much or not enough.

Too much time spent on the mundane, errand-running, survival tasks like acquiring food, taking care of the house, doing laundry.

Not enough time spent on spiritual awareness, meditation, learning, making money, intimacy with others.

The mind just loves to compare and contrast, or so it seems. (I can hear the narrative teacher voice for a school essay; “Shakespeare and Proust: Compare and Contrast”).

Flashes of what you need more time for, or less time spent doing, will speed through the mind, showing images as if from a deck of cards.

Look! Vacations! Retreats! Laughing! Fun! Happiness! Good times!

Look! Toil! Work! Boredom! Loss! Sadness! Bad times!

Are you sure you don’t have enough time though?

No. No idea really.

If you said yes, then ask yourself if you are absolutely positive that you don’t have enough?

How do you react when you believe that it’s obvious that you don’t have enough time?!

I personally feel all worked up. I’m running, on the inside. Heart beat is raised. I might even start getting freaked out.

I certainly remember this feeling, although I must admit I haven’t had it in quite awhile (but I’m willing)!

With the thought that I absolutely need more time for something, I’m almost panicked. I’m angry. I might snap at other people.

Outta my way! 

My whole mission, with that thought, is to grab as much as possible before the timer runs out. It’s a contest.

Me against the universal law of time. Me against What Is.

Ouchy. Life is not fun in those moments.

So who would you be without the thought that you do not have enough time?

I LOVE not having this belief!

So exciting! Whatever is right here, what has been, what is to come, is all surrounded and contained in Enough Time.

Can you imagine?

Nothing missing, nothing that should have happened, nothing that didn’t happen.

Nothing undone, nothing ended that shouldn’t have ended. Nothing spent that shouldn’t have been spent doing just that.

It’s a weird and wonderful state…very different from the other way of thinking, it seems.

Enough time with my dad? (but, he died so long ago)! Enough time to finish the dishes? (but, they’ll be here in 5 minutes)! Enough time to mail that paperwork? (but, it takes 5 days to get there)!

Yes!

How very, very exciting!

“This may not be empowering spiritual teachings….but everything has its time, everything has its place. The ego is not in control of what’s happening. Life is in control of what’s happening.” ~ Adyashanti

What is it like to let go entirely of the grip of feeling better when the tasks get done, when the journey isn’t finished and you thought you wanted to be there by now, when the accomplishment isn’t made yet?

You’d be here, now, enjoying this present situation and opening to the orientation that all is very well, whatever is finished or unfinished.

“Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie

This includes picking up your kid, driving your other kid to the music lesson, signing the permission slip, remembering to transfer money from savings to checking, getting married, replying to the long email, washing the car, getting divorced, turning 50, saying goodbye to your best friend, waking up…..

……dying.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Room for one last person on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

YOI 2 is full. Next one starts in January 2014!

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You’re Too Afraid Of Anger–Is It True?

A lovely inquirer who has worked with me regularly for several years contacted me to start a new set of solo sessions.

She described a recent dilemma, a very stressful situation.

She encountered a person in the business world who she found intimidating.

This was a new project, a new character entering her life experience.

At first, this person was just a little bothersome. But quickly, her experience shifted to huge anxiety. He was contentious, pushy, trying to negotiate harshly.

She wanted to run.

We’ve all encountered people who frighten us at one time or another.

Once, I was sitting in my car, in a parking lot, in the winter. Doors and windows closed. I was finishing a short phone call to schedule a new client.

I looked up to see a man yelling orders at a little boy who appeared to be his son about age four. The boy was running right at the heals of the man, both arms straight at his side, a terrified but stern look on his little face.

The man yelled so loud, it made me look up through my windshield. He was shouting things like “closer! stay with me! NOW!”

They were gone in an instant, across my vision and then out of sight to the right. I had no contact with them, except to hear and see, for just a moment.

But it frightened me.

I left my car, looking over the parking lot. Instead of reading my latest book in the gym while I rode one of those bike machines…I did The Work.

The gym has been a fabulous place for writing worksheets, especially when my feelings are boiling or jumping.

I had a blank piece of paper and a pen, and if I didn’t, I would have asked for one.

I realized that this was a perfect motion-picture moment of my fear of rage. An adult angry with a kid; the smaller person has no equality…abuse, terror, no way out, hopelessness, lack of power.

Wow, I suddenly realized how afraid I was of anger. Afraid of someone who I thought had a lot of power, or physical strength.

I am undergoing a project with my son (age 19) to watch every Best Picture from every year since the very first Grammy Awards.

We started a couple of years ago, with the year 1931. We’ve gone backwards over time.

Last week we got to the year 1968 and watched Oliver Twist.

I suddenly remembered that when I watched that movie, at the young age of 6 or 7, it was the first time I learned that an adult could become wildly crazed with fury, and kill another person (his girlfriend)!

My jaw dropped open at the time, my stomach hurt, it was so haunting.

In fact the whole movie painted a picture of ideas about loss, death, tragedy, children with no parents, starving orphans, mean nasty bullies, and then….being SAVED.

As I reflected on the movie messages, I realized that way back before I even ever saw that movie, I already had learned that anger was dangerous, that I should be careful not to ruffle any feathers, and that the “good” people (good kids) don’t go around disturbing their parents!

I believed anger was bad.

This was the biggest piece of proof so far: violence and murder.

What a fantastic place for inquiry, looking at a very terrifying situation.

With this inquirer who called recently, I could tell she really wanted to know the truth.

She saw how she reacted when she believed the thought that the man she encountered was absolutely overpowering.

She crawled into bed and no longer answered his phone calls.

This can be a very wise reaction…

….but the part that hurt the most was her upset towards herself for not standing up to him, not being a rock star bee-och, withdrawing.

Who would you be without the thought that you should not run?

Who would I be without the thought that because I didn’t jump out of my car and do something, say something that day in the parking lot, that I was a chicken, or a failure?

Without the thought that you need to get tougher, say “No” more clearly, swoop in and be the Terminator?

“Whatever you take on, you do as well as you can. That’s your full potential. That’s how I do the dishes, its how I scrub the floor, it’s how I am with my children, with my husband. I do the best that I can, and that’s my full potential in the moment, and that’s good with me.” ~ Byron Katie

The turnaround came alive for me in the gym that day when I realized that at that particular time, place and reality, that the way it went was the best way it could have gone.

It offered a deep awareness of my fear of loud noises, yelling, and hitting.

I also realized that I had no idea, really, who that child was, or what was going on, or who the man was to the child, or what was happening next, or where they were going.

I had a huge story created in my imagination that was almost as unreal as the movie Oliver.

I noticed then too, that without the thought that anger is bad, my heart opens up to the noise that is drawing my attention (called yelling).

I see fear, panic, someone who is believing what they think, someone who is worried that the world is a dangerous place, and they need to control things or stay safe…ME.

The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ” ~ Pema Chödrön 

You’ve done the best you can. Keep inquiring.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Room for one last person on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

YOI is full. Next one starts in January 2014!

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Groups Help When The Work Isn’t Working

Last year a woman contacted me because she felt like The Work wasn’t working for her.

She would go through the process of asking herself the four questions, and turn her thoughts around, but she was still feeling pretty rotten about her relationships with some people in her life.

She was trying to do The Work on her own, she said. She would get some light bulbs of awareness.

But then have some kind of interaction in life that was pretty stressful.

Her son was really bothering her. Still. After doing The Work on him a whole bunch of times!

The idea of taking a teleclass appealed to her, but she wasn’t sure THAT would “work” either. She thought there might not be enough time, individual attention, or relief if she worked in a group.

What do we humans mean when we’re saying that something is NOT WORKING?

For me, when I’ve thought something wasn’t working well, I’ve felt pain, stress, unhappiness, worry, danger, or disappointment around the same issue or situation or person, over and over.

In other words, I feel uncomfortable emotions. And with these feelings comes the conclusion: this isn’t working! I’m at my wits end! I have to do something different!

One of the strongest places I ever experienced this was around my addiction to binge-eating and obsessing about food, or dieting, or fixing my body.

I met a life coach once who said that when people would complain and tell about a repetitive activity or experience in their lives that led to failure or unhappiness, he asked people the question sometimes,“how’s that working for ya?”  

It was a little sarcastic. I might have rolled my eyes when I was in my twenties and knew the whole relationship I had with food was NOT working for me.

Duh!

Or so I thought.

Because here’s the funny thing. When I connected for the first time with a therapist who did not appear to think I better get over this whole bulimia and self-starvation thing ASAP….

….I had the chance to study my relationship with food in a new and deep way.

Who would you be without the thought that some relationship in your life MUST end, that it is 100% not working, that you need it fixed?

Like, yesterday!?!

You might be invited to take a second look, a deeper or closer look.

You might stick with some process, or find an ongoing support group, or keep doing The Work, or keep studying, keep questioning the way you’re perceiving it all.

You might start to see it all as a fascinating and adventurous journey, with rough patches and sweet patches.

As soon as I saw what WAS working in my relationship with food, even though it felt violent, I could slow down a bit, without a demand on the inside that it must change.

I saw benefits, advantages, and reasons why that relationship was helpful. For example, when I felt too lonely, or terrified, or angry, it would help me change the channel of my feelings.

It showed me my fears, my panic about life, my mistrust. It made me reach out for help.

It showed me that I believed in there not being enough for me, or too much for me, to deal with.

I believed that I would starve or be overwhelmed, not only with food, or decisions, but with the entire world. With everything that happened.

“If you want peace, you don’t talk to your friends. You talk to your enemies.” ~ Desmond Tutu

I thought food was my enemy, my own mind was my enemy, big feelings were my enemy, and I believed my own thoughts were something I needed to be against.

As I found The Work and captured all those mean, vicious, nasty, horrible thoughts on paper…I began to feel relief.

I began to laugh.

The woman who contacted me? She enrolled in Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven.

The structure made her sit down, even if she did it 10 minutes before our group call together, and write out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

She had to share all those nasty thoughts about her own son with the group! And they didn’t dismiss her or avoid her. They listened and accepted that her thoughts were also theirs at some point or another.

She was not the worst mother ever, or the worst person.

I used to never, ever tell people that I was once someone who had bulimic episodes, had starved myself for two years. So embarrassing.

“In the story of my life as a person, something always seems to be lacking.” ~ Joan Tollifson

I received this note from the same dear woman last month:

I’d like to sign up for the Year of Inquiry group starting in September. I can’t come to the retreats, but want you to know, that I would if I lived any closer. After I took your Teleclass last year, my relationship changed not only with my son, who now speaks to me…but my brother who I had written off forever. I can hardly believe that as I did The Work and did NOT make plans to talk with my son, out of the blue he called. All I did was question my beliefs, and everything started changing. Thank you Grace, I couldn’t have done it without doing the class. Now, I just want to keep going. ~ Toronto, CANADA

If you find that you’d like the support of sinking in to this inquiry process so that it goes from your head down into your heart and your whole body (and then maybe out into the entire universe)…

…and if it appeals to you but you see that you’d like some support…

…then come on board with us for the practice of looking at and examining and understanding what you’re thinking, without pushing it away or trying to destroy it.

It might start working, you never know.

“When you believe in things that you don’t understand, then you suffer. Superstition ain’t the way.” ~ Stevie Wonder

Love, Grace

P.S. Only ONE spot left in Year of Inquiry YOI that starts on Thursday. Read about it or register here.

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).

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What To Do If You Believe You Have To Get It Done

Have you ever had the experience of not being able to rest when some future event is coming?

….like a long-awaited vacation, an important presentation to a group, the launch of a new business program, throwing a dinner party, writing a book, your kids starting school.

There’s an event coming. It’s kinda exciting. Maybe it’s wildly thrilling!

You want everything to be perfect.

Just the other day I had the privilege of working with an inquirer who noticed that she was getting sort of riled up about the in-laws coming to visit.

Suddenly, she needed to clean her house from top to bottom so it sparkled.

It wasn’t fun. She felt irritable. Her to-do lists were long and never-ending.

As I sit here on my couch in my little cottage, and glance up at the room between typing words, I can find the part of my mind that does the same thing, exactly the same thing.

There are some kind of white crumbs in a little clump on the carpet. The grass in the back yard that I can see through the kitchen glass doors (which have smudges along the edges) needs to be cut, and there are some dandelions invading.

I’ve got the perfect view of the area under the island chopping block in the kitchen that has dust, crumbs, and what looks like grease or something right under it.

The environment looks imperfect.

With these eyes, I remember looking at everything this way: my job has too long a commute, I need to do more weight-bearing exercise, I should have gotten a PhD after my Master’s degree, I’ll never speak French fluently, my grandpa didn’t teach me enough about business and money, I wish my dad had lived longer, I want to be enlightened.

These eyes are still here seeing, but when this view is questioned, then I noticed there is no grip or stress following the thought that whatever I’m seeing should be improved.

How odd.

No demand that I need to move-it-move-it, go to the store, start writing, make the call, finish the project, meditate for an hour, print out the form, get the vacuum.

But if I’m not worried, or active, or aware of that upcoming deadline…if I don’t get organized and send the proposal, buy the school supplies, sign that document…then life will be hard, sad, disappointing!

I’ll be a failure if I don’t get it done! Someone else will think I’m a failure if I don’t get it done!

I have to fix it! Or die trying!

“The French doors have been left open, and this big, simple-hearted golden retriever bolts through the doors, leaps the fence, and plunges into the water, in hot pursuit of ducks….The next day, I see muddy paw prints across the otherwise spotless floors, and my heart melts. As I clean the floors, the love that I experience for this animal is huge. I know what the prints are for. They connect me to my granddog and to my son and to the lightheartedness of the animal world, and I love that I am that.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I be without the thought that I need to get things done, improve the situation, or fix it?

Weird, right?

When I first did this inquiry, I imagined that without the thought that I need to get on it and accomplish stuff, that I would never getting off the couch. Never doing anything. Never going to the gym. Never clean the dishes. Never return anyone’s phone call. Never meditate.

But that’s not what happened.

Without the thought that I have to do something, or get somewhere, I look up and around, I see more that’s here, right now. I smile inwardly.

As I do the dishes, I remember my grandma who they once belonged to, and think of my cute daughter who left this plate and fork in the sink.

I see the piles of papers and books on my own dresser and feel appreciation for such a fascinating person that I am that I want to accumulate so much material in the form of written words.

As I see my husband’s things collected on his dresser I see how much he reminds me of a bear, gathering stuff and setting it where he can see it, or storing it in boxes and putting it in the cave (the storage shed). So adorable.

Turning the belief around that I need to finish, complete, fix, accomplish, clean, wake up, or get something done…

…I sit with this idea that I do not need to do any of that.

“When we perceive from an undivided consciousness, we will find the sacred in every expression of life. We will find it in our teacup, in the fall breeze, in the brushing of our teeth, in each and every moment of living and dying.” ~ Adyashanti

Even just to get a taste of imagining that the turnaround is as true or truer, that I do not HAVE TO do anything, is sublime.

I don’t have to go clean under the kitchen chopping block, I don’t have to vacuum those white crumbs right now, I don’t have to stop writing, I don’t have to meditate, read, finish, “work on” whatever.

Just to even think of this idea, that you don’t HAVE TO. Test it, entertain it, see what you think about that.

It’s OK if you’re not too sure that would work very well. All it is, is an idea.

Could it be that all is well, alive, pulsing, moving without ME being involved?

Perhaps it is all imperfect and flawed and messy and chaotic and mysterious…. and that is absolutely wonderful, the way it is.

Which sort of winds up making everything seem…well…perfect.

Love, Grace

Click Here to read about or register for the 8 week teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven. Still room for two on Thursday mornings 8 am 9/12-11/7 (no class 10/10).