Month: December 2014

Posted on

Eating Peace- The Imperfect Dance of Eating Struggles

Everyone feels alone from time to time, but the heaviness of the belief running through your mind “I Am All Alone” can be torturous and frightening.

Whenever I check, I find it isn’t true though.

I just can’t ever PROVE that I’m all alone, no matter how much I kick and scream that its true!

I can get all riled up, frustrated, shake my fist at the universe, feel separate, be depressed at my circumstances, or my eating issues or addictive behavior….

….but I still can’t prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am all by myself, completely on my own, in a vacuum of dark outer space with no earth or life in sight.

I mean, there’s stuff all over the place in this room! Have you noticed?

If you’ve felt all alone, join me today to investigate this a little, and notice the imperfection in this dance….

….the imperfection in food, having a body, eating, hunger, fullness, exercise, the people around, health, career, relationship, money, you name it…..

….it’s not perfect. (Kinda like this video, ha ha!)

Eating Peace With Grace * When You Feel All Alone *
Eating Peace With Grace * When You Feel All Alone *
Much love,
Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Workshop is filling this year. I love the people who are attending. Reserve your spot now, it’s 6 weeks away only. Click HERE.

Posted on

Event Planning Night Sweats

Event planning keeping you awake at night? Inquire!
Event planning keeping you awake at night? Inquire!

The Eating Peace 3-Day Intensive is coming!

I thought this the other evening before bed, and wound up thinking about the people coming, the order of the curriculum, the wonderful exercises planned, the logistics about venue that still need to get tightened up.

I stayed awake an extra hour considering it all, my eyeballs blinking in the dark.

Not exactly stressful, but I did kinda want to go to sleep!

Have you ever had a jolt of great excitement thinking about an upcoming event or big occasion?

Almost everyone has.

Parties, gatherings, performances, retreats, new year’s eve celebrations (ahem), events, vacations, weddings….

….all created with the picture of a wonderful time!

But oh so stressful when you think it has to be good, it has to go one certain way, it can’t rain, it must include certain people, you have to be healthy, you absolutely must have fun….it has to have a perfect outcome.

People get really anxious about upcoming events sometimes….

….even if they’re celebratory, meaningful, fun, life-changing events.

How to stop worrying?

Open up to questioning your beliefs about how it has to go, in order to be good, to be helpful, to be deep, true, adequate, real.

Who would you be without the belief that you know what a good time looks like??!!

Who would you be without the belief that to have a powerful, blissful or meaningful experience, it must include “x” or have “y”?

The other day, I was listening to Byron Katie on recording doing The Work with a woman who reported feeling side-tracked by men who didn’t last. She wanted a solid, committed partner and no more distractions.

Katie asked her “the men you’ve been involved with were distractions…and you were side-tracked…is that true?”

We think we know what our life is supposed to look like if it’s smooth, winning, right, or clear.

Even in spiritual awakening, we might have ideas about how it will look, what the best route is, which direction we’re supposed to be headed, and the perfect end result.

Who would I be without the belief that my retreat in February needs to be at the lodge (that is no longer available…oops)?

Excited for the next venue discovery.

Knowing its unfolding beautifully, and I feel so happy about all the people coming, flying from far corners of the US to attend.

Not anxious or panicking. Feeling excited, humbled, touched.

Even if it rains at your wedding, your plane is late, you have the wrong dress, you get sick, your date cancels, the place is sold out, you’re all alone in silence on your birthday….

….what if it’s OK?

What if it’s more than OK?

Like all the Who-Bodies in Who-Ville singing even though everything they owned was stolen on Christmas.

Ahhhhhh.

“We never rehearsed this

We are a mess

We tremble and perspire

We step on each other’s toes

Sometimes we go out of tune

And forget our lines

But at least this is real

At least we are not half-alive

Buried under the weight of some image

We never believed in anyway

I will always take this imperfect dance

Over no dance at all”

~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

P.S. Still a few more spots in the 8 week teleclass, soooo good, on clearly identifying money beliefs and what they mean for us, and taking them to inquiry. Click here to register for money teleclass.

Posted on

Help Is Available To Everyone At All Times

Wow, there were many callers on the volunteer Help Line yesterday morning.

I felt sorry to miss some of you–I found I couldn’t track people who may have written me to say they would call even if I emailed back saying “great!”

Yikes!

I remember the first time I volunteered for the Help Line (it was called the Work Hotline back then).

I scheduled two hours that I knew I would be available, letting people know that I’d be free within that window one morning.

I was loading the washing machine with dirty clothes, in the middle of cleaning dishes from the night before, and waiting for water to boil for morning tea….when my skype rang.

Who could that be?

I answered.

Oh! Someone is calling to do The Work!

I sat down on my couch, everything half done in my kitchen, and facilitated someone through the process, a little nervous, a little surprised, very honored.

I was amazed at the sweetness, the honesty, the sincerity.

I hung up with the sense of being so touched that a stranger would dial-in and expose their innermost worries, doubts and anger towards someone important in their life.

I got up and proceeded to carry on with my tasks, pushed down the lever on the electric kettle to re-boil the water for tea, when here came another incoming skype call.

Really? Wow!

Another dear inquirer, full of angst and concern, sharing their embarrassing thoughts.

Moved deeply again, my heart felt really big and full.

Then I got up to re-boil water for tea a third time….and now I really wanted tea and breakfast.

But you guessed it. Someone else called.

I facilitated one person after the other for the whole two hours. After it was over, more people still called even though my scheduled hours were complete. I worked past my planned time for awhile….and then turned off my computer.

Ever since I’ve been much more clear that the space scheduled for the Help Line when I volunteer my time is just one after the other, working with the next and then the next, and sometimes 5 or 8 people calling at once, and lots of messages to say for me to call back as soon as I can.

Today, I felt a little stressed when someone wrote that they felt disappointed at not being able to reach me.

If you’ve ever had this kind of feeling….

….you maybe worry that you’re disappointing someone, not doing a good enough or satisfying enough job for them….

….then this is a really, really good thought to question.

I need to help that person (and not disappoint them).

 

Is that true?

Yes! I really want only to be of service. I hate the thought that I’d frustrate someone even MORE than they already are, if they can’t reach me!

Is that absolutely true, that I need to help them–that it has to be me they reach? Is it really true that they’ll be MORE frustrated? Can I be sure of that?

No.

How do you react when you think you shouldn’t disappoint, and you do? How do you react when you have a picture in your mind of what it would look like to serve, and it’s impossible to achieve that with everyone?

Tired. Anxious. Bending over backwards. Trying too hard.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to answer every call, please other people, help other people, be of service in a certain way?

Ha ha! Very relieved.

“I never have the sense that anything I haven’t done is undone. I see the things that don’t get done as things that need a different timing; I and the world are better off without them, for now. I have hundreds of emails waiting for me on my computer, some of them from people who are desperately asking for my response, but I never feel frustrated that I don’t have time to answer them. I do the best I can, and I’m clear that people don’t need me; since we all come from the same wisdom, they can give themselves what they need if I’m not available. What really matters is always available to everyone. Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing has ever happened that didn’t need to happen.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to help that person (and it’s OK if I disappoint them), I need to help myself and not disappoint myself, they need to help me and not disappoint me (they do, even the ones who I don’t make contact with).

This is the greatest practice for relaxing in the face of literally being unable to respond to everyone.
The way of it. Peace.
I’m also here for regular appointments or people joining upcoming teleclasses or Year of Inquiry or Breitenbush Summer Retreat or meetups in Seattle or Eating Peace 3-day intensive or all the other times I facilitate this work.
“If you want to be a great leader, you must learn to follow the Tao. Stop trying to control. Let go of fixed plans and concepts, and the world will govern itself.” ~ Tao Te Ching #57
Much love, Grace
P.S. I’ll be on the Help Line again this morning for 3 hours, and tomorrow morning for 4 hours. Call if you want. No guarantees. But oh so wonderful to be with you if we connect.

P.P.S. Click here to register for money teleclass.

Posted on

Make Money More Easily By Questioning Your Stories

It was Christmas time 2008.

I had been on over twenty job interviews, been one of the final candidates several times for positions, had a few clients here and there as a counselor.

My income was in the tank.

I had supportive gifts and loans, but on the actual holiday of Christmas and the several days before, I had scraped together everything I had to pay the December mortgage, heat and light bills, phone bill and garbage bill.

There was about $108 in my bank account and I needed to use some of it for groceries.

I look back and still impulsively think of it as the worst Christmas ever.

I went to Goodwill and bought clothes and some stocking stuffers for my kids. At least I had some presents.

The feeling on the inside was of terrible sickness. Like I was at the tail end of a sad story of losing everything.

I was already thinking about all the bills that would be due again soon, and I had no way to get my January mortgage payment together which would be due in a couple of weeks.

This was just….a total and complete mess.

I couldn’t sleep well.

I had never had this experience before, either. So it wasn’t like it was a repeat story I had already lived before.

This was like falling off a cliff, and like I had been falling, falling, falling for at least a year.

But one thing I did that was different in that month, was The Work in a very intensive, focused way. With me as the inquirer and a practiced facilitator supporting me through my process.

I had already done The Work on my own, and with friends and partners willing to trade sessions.

In fact, I had done it a ton.

With a kind of freaked out, terrified, quick urgency. Must. Understand. Now. Two seconds away from Panic Button.

But I had not paid for facilitation. Are you kidding? Did you see my bank account? That would have been a stupid expense, I had to save everything for heat, shelter and food…right?

Wrong. (Thank you amazing Martha Creek, dear friend and colleague and guide, for working with me).

I considered the absolute WORST THING that could happen. The imminent failure. The destruction and loss of all I knew. Having no home. Having even fewer options.

My mom said if I really, really needed it….I was welcome in her home for as long as it took to get back on my feet again.

I thought if I lost my home and really had nowhere to live that I could call MINE, it would be *HORRIBLE*!!!

My loving facilitator said “is that true?”

Oh. Well…..YES! Of course! Being homeless in my 40s? Awful.

Really?

No. Huh. No.

I considered what about moving in with my mother would be so terrible wrong, horrible, gut-wrenching and dreadful.

It took a little while….but then I began to laugh.

Woman sleeping at her mother’s house, with her two incredible children who she loved.

That was the whole story.

Without that belief, a lightness shifted inside that was stunning.

The next day I called my mom and we had a wonderful, intimate, honest conversation and laughed and laughed.

And then some really incredible other things happened….that I tell from time to time….but it would have been OK if they didn’t happen.

The story could have gone any way.

The way it went was a new job was invented for me part-time, and people started calling me for more and more appointments as a facilitator of The Work, and I offered workshops and meetings and classes and teleclasses….

….and I never moved in with my mother.

In fact, in lightening speed by comparison to how I saw it from the dark side, I paid off ALL my debts and loans and home equity line of credit and credit cards, and even quit that part time job.

Now, when I look back, I know it was not the worst Christmas ever.

Maybe it was the best.

I’m quite sure it is a spectacular story….and who doesn’t like a great story, with an exciting plot, awesome characters, enormous drama, and an inspiring outcome?

The real outcome being, of course….I don’t know.

Now that’s really the best story.

If you have fearful, irritated, unhappy money stories….then we’re beginning an 8 week teleclass drilling into the meaning of money, losing money, needing money, having money, suffering around money, hoping for money.

I offer an exercise via email every week, a question to answer to help you get clearer about what’s going on with you and money.

These are the same questions I noticed rose up for me around money and all it meant.

We’ll look at how we feel about ourselves and out capacity to find, earn or receive money, and then other peoples’ money or lack of money, and what we think money will really, really give us.

I love doing this class myself, every time.

The money story is reviewed, revealed in a new way, and everyone gets to hear the most marvelous new scenes, dramatic effects, or torrid affairs, from all of us doing The Work together and becoming aware of how believing thoughts about money brings on suffering…..

…..or freedom.

Join us, there’s still room. We’ll meet Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 pm starting January 6th. Write me if you have questions.

“I’ve never seen a work or money problem that didn’t turn out to be a thinking problem. I used to believe that I needed money to be happy. Even when I had a lot, I was often sick with the fear that something terrible would happen and I would lose it….After I found The Work inside myself – after it found me – I began to notice that I always had the perfect amount of money for me right now, even when I had little or none. Happiness is a clear mind. A clear and sane mind knows how to live, how to work, what e-mails to send, what phone calls to make, and what to do to create what it wants without fear….You don’t ever need more money than you have. When you understand this, you begin to realize that you already have all the security you wanted money to give you in the first place. It’s a lot easier to make money from this position.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if you’re not suffering around money, consider your beliefs about it. Find out what’s really true.
(Very wealthy people have taken this class).
Joy!

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Question This Dance, Feel A Bigger Reality

question your thoughts, dance into a new reality
question your thoughts, dance into a new reality

Today I begin my morning with doing The Work for an hour, then going off to dance for joy at an event I offer with my partner every week….Free Form Dance Dance.

I cannot tell you how many little concepts have arisen from offering this dance.

It shows me that having a creative idea, and following the simple directions of bringing that idea into reality….

….brings all kinds of fantastic, eye-opening, brilliant opportunity to watch the universe unfold in a most genius way for my own expansion.

Hilarious.

You may notice concepts and thoughts arise out of things you do, activities you participate in, events you attend, actions you set into motion.

Here are some thoughts I’ve notice come forward for questioning, as I look back over the past two years.

At the very beginning when we started our dance: Oh no, there aren’t enough people here to cover the cost of this magnificent rented dance studio. Help! Alarm!

Once we had offered it for six months: we needed clips to hang some gorgeous fabric from Bali to put a decorative touch in the space, and we needed to laminate the outdoor sign so it stopped getting rained on….but every week we forgot. Neither one done (yet). Dang it, we should remember! What’s the freakin’ problem?! Jeez!

One year into offering the dance: my leg is injured, I can’t go for several months…..waaaahhhhh sad sad.

More recently: someone comes once and leaves early, reporting this dance is not spiritual, one reason being it includes songs with words and songs from childhood. That person is ridiculous, and stuck in her view that x is spiritual and y is not. Growl.

Who would I be without these beliefs that it needs to go THAT way, not THIS way….that other people need to be THAT way, not THIS way….

….that signs, words, dollars, space, rain, music, dancers, movement, time, floor, fabric, thoughts, sadness, fear, remembering, comments, driving, table, broom, numbers, set lists, images….

….would be better the alternate way I see in my mind to the way they are actually going?

What if the way it is going is absolutely genius?

Woah.

So exciting, it makes my hands clap!!

So amazing to be a spectator, even of myself.

Enjoying the way it’s unrolling, beat by beat, moment by moment, step by step, minute by minute.

A dance is happening.

An adventure beyond expectation!

Turning the thoughts around, relaxing back underneath, behind, over, between the beliefs…including them all:

  • Oh yes! We love this so much we will pay for it. This is a gift from us, to everyone.
  • Yay, we shouldn’t remember, until we do–I notice it’s completely wonderful anyway, with or without remembering.
  • Smile, I get to lie still for awhile and participate in deep quiet and rest–it took an injured leg to do it.
  • Halleluia, even this person’s wonderful words of objection are spiritual for me, I get it. It is me, too.
Thank you every moment in this dance.
Could this be true about every adventure? Every journey?
Every moment that produces stress, emotional pain, sadness, irritation, defense, hurt….worthy of stopping to see what is really happening….and what is beyond my thoughts about it?
“It’s so clear, so in love with what is, that it might seem unkind, even inhuman. It cares totally, and it doesn’t care at all, not one bit, not if all living creatures in the universe were obliterated in an instant. How could it react with anything less than joy? It’s in love with what is, whatever form that may take. Reality is neither good nor bad. It’s bigger than good and bad.” ~ Byron Katie
Enjoy your dancing today.
Even if you can only find one tiny example of how it’s an advantage that it goes the way it goes…..finding that example could make all the difference in the entire world.

Much love, Grace

Click here to register for teleclass exploring the awesome dance with money as your partner, and where it appears it isn’t. Tuesdays 5:15 pm Pacific time 8 weeks starting January 6.

Posted on

Feeling Beloved On Earth With Any Holiday

Being Beloved On Earth
Being Beloved On Earth

If you were hanging out with family or friends during the past several days, not everyone finds this to be the easiest thing ever.

“Holidays are a hard time of year”.

People say this all the time, right?

They’re an intense time, a time of raised energy, out of the ordinary, hanging out, conversations, truth-telling, staying home from work, seeing people you may see rarely, travel, different food, triggered memories.

I always expected and loved going to be with family on holidays….I even had one time in my early 20s when I didn’t return home (the place I grew up) and was super sad and thought ‘I’ll never do that again!’

Stories can be very ingrained about holidays, and how you’re supposed to feel, or who you’re supposed to be with, how you hope others feel.

If it doesn’t go the way you dream of….uh oh.

Bad story.

Just for a short moment, right now….even if you LOVE what you’ve been doing these holidays….

….who would you be without the belief that it needs to be like “x”?

Without the beliefs, for example, that you need to give the right gifts, receive the right gifts, smooth out old bumps, connect with people just right, have a good feeling on the inside, make sure everyone around you (your kids, your mate, your friends, your siblings, your parents) look and act and say they are happy, eat well (but not too much), feel connected to the universe just so….

….who would you be without any beliefs that it needs to go a certain way, or be like that perfect looking picture in your head?

What if how it went is exactly the best, most right, most wonderful, advantageous, friendly way it could go?

Even if you felt troubled or worried or uncertain.

Even if something difficult happened.

“And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so? I did. And what did you want? To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth.” ~ Raymond Carver

Much love, Grace

Click here to register for teleclass about calling yourself beloved when it comes to money. Tuesdays 5:15 pm Pacific time 8 weeks starting January 6.

Posted on

Eating Peace – Something you can do if you’re overwhelmed

Earlier this morning the Eating Peace group met for our weekly practice in questioning thoughts related to cravings, eating, body image and food.
Some participants have been struggling.
It’s a season of sweets. Contacting friends and family. Being with people. Having big feelings.
Here’s something you can do that’s so simple, you might dismiss it as being ineffective or boring or dorky or new-agey.
But it isn’t. Not really.
It requires…..doing nothing.
Check it out here. And remember, if you’re feeling discouraged, this will pass. I mean it.
Lots of love to you on this wonderful day.
Eating Peace With Grace 12-24-2014 Inner You's
Eating Peace With Grace 12-24-2014 Inner You’s
Much love,
Grace

P.S. Eating Peace In Person 3-Day Workshop Is Coming! This is open to everyone wanting freedom from eating issues that feel painful. February 6-8, 2015 $297. For more information about housing, location, and details (updated frequently) or to register click HERE.

Posted on

Life Is Never Against You

Since I’m not going to Los Angeles for the Cleanse with Byron Katie next week, I’m going to offer my own mental cleanse!

Part of my own mental cleansing will happen by me being on the Help Line and offering free facilitation all morning (Pacific time) on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week, to anyone who calls.

You can check the Help Line schedule and how it works here. My favorite is working on skype, since my headphones are so deluxe, so check for me there first (before phone).

It’s a fabulous resource for anyone and everyone if you want to sample receiving facilitation through the four questions and finding the turnarounds to a stressful concept you’ve got running in your life.

Everyone on the Help Line is there to serve! That goes for facilitators and facilitated, both.

You’ll be in safe hands either way.

Don’t be shy!

If I’m not available it’s probably because I’m already with someone else….just check the Help Line schedule and call another facilitator.

******

Last night our Year of Inquiry (YOI) group met for a little extra Tuesday evening session, since we won’t meet Thursday as it’s Christmas.

We’ve been looking at our common complaints in great depth.

Out of these often-repetitive thoughts and ideas about who and what we complain about are very profound underlying thoughts.

One YOI participant found that she had a belief about an upsetting situation that sounded like this:

I should have prevented it! 

Holy Moly that is a very painful belief.

When I have had this belief come through my mind, it’s been crazy discouraging.

An abortion, hurting someone I care about, being distant with a friend who wound up betraying me, not bringing something up that Iknew to address, lying about where I was or what I was doing to not hurt someone’s feelings, getting involved with a man I felt nervous about, being incredibly anxious and getting cancer, not working full time or planning for a better career….

There are many situations where we’ll think, when something difficult happens, about OUR part with great disappointment.

The part we should have known, or prevented, or been more aware of, or not been so dang unconscious about.

Ouch.

That attack towards yourself stings. Sometimes really badly.

Who would you be without the belief that you could have prevented the difficult, or absolutely horrible, thing from happening?

Some people will say “that would be letting me off the hook!”

But what if it was OK it went as it did?

What if you were actually doing the very best you could, with what you knew and believed and had learned?

What if you always have been doing the best you could?

“What’s worse, the falling rain, or your resistance to getting wet? The changing winds, or your battle against them? The grass as it grows, or your demand for it to grow faster? This moment, or your rejections of it? Consider the possibility that Life is never *against* you. You are Life.” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

Click here to register for teleclass about learning to love yourself when it comes to money. Tuesdays 5:15 pm Pacific time 8 weeks.

Posted on

Let Go Of That Decision, Notice Fulfillment Now

I have to make the right decision!
Question Your Need To Make The Right Decision

I’m not heading to Los Angeles to the Cleanse after all.

It’s weird the way things unfold. Almost never as expected, never as truly anticipated.

In fact, right now I really have no idea what’s happening next week!

Except it’s not likely I’ll be driving to the airport and getting on an airplane, given I just cancelled my flights. Nope, I’ll be right here in Seattle doing many family things with my kid who is home from college, and my husband who’s having a birthday.

Staying home seems the way of it.

It doesn’t even seem like Staying Home Vs. Going To An Event is a pro-con situation. Both are fantastic.

I can even picture the joy of either one of them, the fun of each day, the activities that could be possible, the insights, the awareness, the learning, the laughing.

Sometimes….people have a bit of trouble when two choices both seem wonderful.

When there are so many possibilities!

Here’s a sneaky little thought that I discovered would sometimes cloud my clarity and make me very torn between two decisions, if I started to believe it:

Later, in the future, it would be *terrible* to feel regret about this decision. 

Therefore, I must prevent that bad, shameful, guilty, disappointed feeling from ever happening.

The way to prevent that terrible, shameful, my-fault feeling from happening, is to make DANG SURE you make the right decision NOW so you feel all good later on….

….like you can say “I made the right decision, I rocked it, I made this happen, yeah baby!”

And strut across the room with confidence and pride.

Not the opposite outcome. The opposite would suck.

The opposite is very possible….so WATCH OUT.

Pause.

Pretty stressful, right?

If so much is weighing on a future moment when it could be your entire fault that you feel disappointed, or happy, then you may carry the weight of responsibility that’s very crushing.

Who would you be without the belief that this decision in the present moment is creating a future experience of happiness OR unhappiness?

Who would you be without the belief that a decision between two, or several, options is CRITICAL for your happiness? Or even other peoples’ happiness?

Wow. Seriously?

But all the books and teachings and philosophies scream that whatever I decide today invents my future, creates my reality later on….right?

It’s up to me! I needa make a good decision, really….I have to pick the “right” sandwich on the menu or I’ll have a sucky or fabulous time eating lunch.

There is a Wrong Decision and a Right Decision.

Isn’t there?

Stop!

You’re supposed to know the future?

Who would you be without that thought?

Back to what’s going on HERE.

Noticing that right now today, stuff is happening, options are being presented. I am dreaming of events, moments, time passing, jet planes, airports, hugging people, staying right here in this city, connection, conversations, being with people I absolutely love….strangers or family….all of it different incredible flavors.

Noticing that no matter where I am, it’s possible to enjoy what is.

Turning the thoughts around….

….there is absolutely no way to know how the future will go. It doesn’t matter what I choose. I look at the options with joy, I pick, it’s over.

Balance.

What if I couldn’t miss anything? What if there is no rhyme or reason or need to do anything for this outcome I think I seek? What if nothing is required?

What if there is no preventing disappointment, or generating pride, no way to determine success or failure, based on the decision? 

What if none of this is *entirely* up to me? 

I notice a great peace with people who stop trying to make the right decision with such vengeance.

“The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7

Stay, go.

Right now, good.

Put down your burden. Fulfilled right now.

Much love, Grace

Click here to register for MONEY teleclass Tuesdays 5:15 pm Pacific time 8 weeks, teleclass, awesome insights into learning to love your Money Story.

Posted on

Thank You People Who Left Me In The Desert

“He/she shouldn’t act that way in front of me. He/she shouldn’t like anyone else. She/he shouldn’t have a history with another woman. She/he should leave him alone. She/he shouldn’t exist. This shouldn’t be happening.” 

When I read or hear these kinds of thoughts, I notice many people might think almost immediately afterwards, before these thoughts are even completed practically….

….that they shouldn’t be thinking them.

I’m beyond on all that, right?

I don’t have these kinds of thoughts! I don’t care which boyfriend is now with someone else, or what my partner once had with another!

That kind of thinking is for people who are attaching too much to the story of their partner, or stories about love and commitment and intimacy!

And yet….

….even the most brilliant, thoughtful, loving, kind people will have concerns that they want to be the only one in their partner’s life, or wish deeply that it went another way than it went.

I remember learning about a man I admire who finally found the woman of his dreams, after more than a decade of hunting and making it known to people in his world that he was searching for this woman.

He described their finally meeting, the fire that burned, the knowing. He described the fun, the wildness, the marriage proposal, the fights and make-up conversations, the passion, the dream-come-true.

Fights? They have fights? Like yelling and intense words?

Yes.

Oh, I thought.

I do not have that in my marriage. That sounds different. The freedom, the energy, the action, the zest, the fervor.

But I immediately laughed…it’s funny how the mind will compare, and decide you lose, or something a wee bit on the edge should be different.

Many people contact me because of terrible jealousy.

People are brilliant and wise. They know it is something going on inside their own minds, which is why they contact me in the first place, since they know self-inquiry will help them see the picture and question it honestly.

It’s like closing the gap between this knowing that they are attaching to something, but not sure how to stop.

The first thing to do, if you notice you feel jealous or envious of someone else, especially when it comes to love, is to allow your raging teenage or childish voice to write down what you’re most afraid of on paper.

(It can be absolutely anything you’re jealous of–I had big envy of other peoples’ money 8 years ago that doesn’t appear to exist now–after doing self-inquiry many times on wealth and money).

Let those thoughts about what you’re so afraid of be there, instead of thinking immediately “I should be beyond this…I AM beyond this.”

Once you’re there, in that space of seeing this other man or woman in your mind and feeling pain because they are with someone else, you can write what you really think should be happening instead.

You let that little child in you speak. You’re honoring that scared part.

And then….inquire.

I found every time, the only reason I would ever experience jealousy is because of what I believed it meant: That I was worthy of being left for someone else, that I was un-wantable, that I was losing out or missing out, that I needed to be something MORE than what I was, or LESS.

Who would you be without the belief that it’s terrible if someone you care about wants to go be with someone else? Who would you bewithout the belief that it means you’re missin’ out, or you’re abandoned, or you’re not as good as that other person?

Who would you be in your present moment, if NONE OF THESE MEANINGS are true?

I notice without using my busy mind which loves to make comparisons….

….they are just pictures floating through like a breeze. These images are very small. They are unimportant.

They are almost funny.

Actually they may make you laugh.

If you turned around the beliefs that it’s bad when someone goes off to be with someone else…..

…..WOW.

What would you notice? What is that like?

How could it be an advantage for you, a wonderful and marvelous and incredible experience that this person is doing what they’re doing, has done what they’ve done?

What does that make available or possible for you?

Could you open up to the idea that it should happen exactly the way it is, so far?

What if it has nothing to do with your worth….or even beyond that….what if it means you are deeply worthy and your are very want-able somewhere else? 

What does it take for you to wake up and see how amazing you are?

How has it been that the person in question does you a favor, by having this history, or moving or acting the way they do?

“You see persons and things not as they are but as you are….How can you love people when you need people? You can only use them. If I need you to make me happy, I’ve got to use you, I’ve got to manipulate you. I’ve got to find ways and means of winning you. I cannot let you be free. I can only love people when I have emptied my life of people, then I’m right in the desert. In the beginning it feels awful, it feels lonely, but if you can take it for awhile, you’ll suddenly discover that it isn’t lonely at all. It is solitude, it is aloneness, and the desert begins to flower. Then at last you’ll know what love is, what God is, what reality is.” ~ Anthony DeMello 

Thank you to the people who helped me stay in the desert because they were unavailable.

I would have never seen, with honesty, what I was so attached to, what imprisoned me in fear and grief and anticipation.

Thank goodness, thank God, thank mystery for their courage to move away from me.

Who would you be if all was perfect, as it is, when it comes to those other people?

They helped me find myself again.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you notice jealous thoughts about MONEY then join us on January 6th to start a new year with living turnarounds about money, your wealth, your power, your freedom, your security. It’s so fun!Click here to register.