Pain, Sickness and Death – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

March 1, 2021

I need more time, more love, more chances

I don’t have enough time.

Not enough time to listen to all those podcasts I’d like to hear, not enough time to read the books I’ve already purchased, not enough time to finish a book that’s half written for many years that I think I’m writing (kind of).

Not even enough time, apparently, to sit and meditate for 15 minutes this past week.

I used to meditate an hour a day, like I was taking my medicine with no question. Get quiet. Do it.

Funny how time feels scarce. Limited.

I need more of it.

So, what ARE we doing with time?

I noticed the way I spent my morning was rising, putting on a sweater and turning up the heat, moving to kitchen to make a green smoothie and boiling water for hot cacao (I’m experimenting with absence of tea or coffee–it’s rather lovely at the moment).

Now, up in my little treehouse office, I write after checking my calendar for the day and also noticing about six things I’d like to do all at once.

In only fifteen minutes,Year of Inquiry group meets–so the constant presence of a circle of inquiry has certainly entered my life no matter how much time I think I need or want or don’t have. It’s my job.

(Seriously, what a gift).

I start the zoom meeting so it’s ready while people arrive, and turn back to this inquiry–so curious.

Time.

Oh, right. I need more of it.

I’ll never finish this before the group, now in 4 minutes.

I need, I need, I need.

The song of the self with a small “s”.

It’s not a bad thing. It just is.

There’s a voice, calling out its needs. Thinking with sadness or disappointment or dread or anxiety that more is required.

I had this thought when my dad was dying almost 30 years ago.

I need more time with him.

I’ve had this thought when preparing for some retreat events: I need more time to share them, announce them, promote them.

One fantastic way to move further along this line of inquiry, is to genuinely hear what you’re telling yourself you need more time for?

I need more time for: Money-making, connections with people, learning something, accomplishing a task, being alive, enlightenment.

Once you identify what you need more time for, you’ve got better focus on the self-inquiry that comes next:

I need more time, so that I can have more ______ .
I need more _______ (from above) so that I can _______.

I usually notice I need more time, so I can have more of something else, and I need more of that something so that I can feel a certain way.

I believe I’ll feel better, with more time to acquire, do, achieve, get, accomplish, practice that thing.

I’ll feel safer, I’ll feel more loved, I’ll feel proud, I’ll feel acceptable, I’ll feel calm, I’ll feel generous.

The story is born, blossoms, with a thousand facets into the future. All from a moment where a thought came through about “more” and “time”.

What a great inquiry:

Let’s do The Work.

Today I asked myself when I began this Grace Note (3 days ago now, LOL) why I need more time?

Because I could find that thought inside every day, I bet.

Today, I had the privilege of doing The Work with a brilliant inquirer who felt he had not succeeded in life: rejected by his girlfriend (they are breaking up), ineffective in other areas, not quite “getting” there to the promised land of peace or worthiness.

Not arriving at the place we are believing in when we say “more”.

Oh the pain of noticing what it’s like to believe we need more than we already have. We need more days to live, more hours with another, more success. More, more, more.

Sometimes people think if they give up this striving for more of something, they’ll flop to the floor and do nothing for the rest of their lives.

If I didn’t want to do all that stuff, if I didn’t need more time to do it, then I’d become totally resigned with doing nothing, going nowhere, apathetic, caring for nothing, sparked by nothing, surrounded by chaos.

Who would we be without the belief we need MORE daylight, and the sun just set?

Without the belief we need more loving contact, and we’re sitting at the deathbed of our beloved?

Without the belief we need more money than we actually have?

Without the belief we need more unconditional love or a spiritual pay-day that catapults us into some kind of place beyond this world (as some people like to think of as enlightenment)?

What if nothing more was needed right now, in this moment? Even if you feel some anxiety, a sense of turmoil? Even with a sense of impending loss or future disappointment?

I keep noticing with this inquiry, the only frightening thing is a story–a thought about the future, or a memory from the past.

I’m believing thoughts about scarcity, about loss, about inadequacy and suffering.

If I don’t do this thing I apparently need more time for, I’ll suffer. If I don’t acquire this thing I need more time to acquire, I’ll suffer.

I’m fail to notice I’m suffering in the middle of the moment of thinking I need more of something or I’ll suffer, later.

Turning the thought around: I don’t need more time. Not one more second. I don’t need more time with that person, I don’t need more time to practice, I don’t need more time because I don’t need to finish right now, I don’t need more time to wake up.

Who is this “I” anyway?

Nothing but a thought.

“Before thought began in that first moment, there was the pure unknown: love. That’s one of the many revelations that people discover when they sit deeply in the fourth question (‘Who or what would you be without the thought?’). They begin to recognize the real world, the world of being love, the fearless, the nameless, the beautiful, the world where nothing is separate and creativity is allowed to flow without interruption, and the new is witnessed and appreciated at every moment, and your’e always alone with yourself, and you’re everyone and everything, free to take full responsibility as the creator of the entire world–your world, the world of your imagination.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself

If you think you don’t have enough time for self-inquiry or doing The Work, I’d question that. LOL.

But seriously, sitting and asking myself these truthful, deep questions about what is running through the mind has been totally life-changing.

It’s brought me….just about….everything I’ve ever dreamed I wanted more time for.

Certainly it’s brought me peace around what I believed was worth fretting about, and finding a heart-broken joy about being alive, and gratitude.

If you’d like to get a taste of this practice of questioning your stressful thinking and changing the way to experience life and the world, or anything that’s troubled you….

….consider coming to online spring retreat.

It’s coming in exactly one month March 25-28, 2021.

Sign up for Thursday only, Thurs+Friday, or the whole retreat Thurs-Sunday (Saturday’s a bonus day for everyone enrolled).

We gather for 3.5 days of 3.5 hour sessions (Pacific Time 9am-12:30pm) to dive into one issue, relationship, money, job, memory, concern, situation bothering you.

It’s all sliding scale, you choose (suggested fee a minimum of $60 per session).

Thursday 3/25, Friday 3/26 and Sunday 3/27 we meet 9:00am-12:30pm Pacific Time, and Saturday we meet 8:00am-9:30am PT followed by dancing–online–for those who’d love to attend.

Read more about spring cleaning retreat here.

Spring Mental Cleanse Schedule Online:

Thursday March 25, Friday March 26, Sunday March 28
9am-12:30pm PT
Noon-3:30pm ET
5pm-8:30pm UK
6pm-9:30pm Paris
7pm-10:30pm Israel/ South Africa
6am-9:30am Hawaii
(Saturday March 27th we meet 8am-9:30am PT +dancing)

November 24, 2020

How to stop worrying about someone else’s worrying

In only one week from today, what I already know will be an amazing time will begin. Six days in a row of being with others together online (zoom) to delve deeply into The Work and self-inquiry.

(Scroll to the end to get the daily schedule and info).

I’m co-facilitating this one with my colleague and friend Tom Compton. He’s brilliant and well-seasoned in The Work: for over 30 years he’s been doing this process and sitting in the four questions, along with working with other people.

We have absolutely loved co-facilitating retreats together.

We’re so looking forward to doing it again.

Here’s me interviewing Tom about his experience with The Work, in case you’d like to get to know him a little better:

One thing we’ll be asking everyone attending retreat (I’m asking myself right now):

What’s been scaring you, making you nervous, irritating you, or bringing despair?

What do you notice bothers or disturbs your psyche, your mood, your inner natural experience of peace?

Recently, I had an awareness of something that seemed important.

How do I know it was important–at least important for inquiry?

It disturbed me.

Someone who I adore and have known their entire life shared how angry they’ve been with the world and a situation they’ve encountered.

Have you ever had someone close to you share something deeply disturbing, and you clench up yourself?

“Yikes, that sounds terrible,” we might say.

I noticed I saw visions of them being depressed. A picture of them with head in hands, lonely and sad, scheming on suicidal thoughts.

They did NOT tell me they were suicidal specifically.

But oh look what the mind did.

We join with the person who is crying “this is so awful, really it is so so so awful.”

Nothing wrong with that. Except.

When I begin to believe they are not safe, they are not loved, they are not capable, they are suffering terribly.

Something about sitting with someone who is doing The Work, incidentally, I entirely trust the process.

I don’t “worry”.

I know they’re OK, they are working on it, they are underway with the power of love at their side.

But this was someone who doesn’t exactly do The Work and there they were, sharing about the depth of their misery.

That person is miserable.

What do you think this means, that they’re miserable? I noticed for me, that was where the fear rose up. It means they don’t want to live. It means they’ve lost their happiness.

Is it true, they shouldn’t be so miserable?

I don’t know.

So, no.

What happens when you believe it’s true?

WORRY.

Trying to problem-solve, figure out how to handle the situation, make it better, give suggestions, offer advice, offer to jump in and take care.

There can be a whole list of what would “make it better” that they need to “get”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with reaching out or being there to help. But this is noticing I was doing it with FEAR in the background.

So who would I be without the belief this person is fundamentally miserable?

This can sound cold to even consider. Like you don’t care about them and their perspective.

But I sat for a moment, imagining this person I love dearly seeming to be so stuck and unhappy and angry…

…without the belief “they are miserable–and this must be fixed by me, as soon as possible. I must help! This is dangerous!”

Without this belief, I stay present.

I’m not afraid to be with someone who is suffering. I might say “if you ever want to try doing The Work, I’m available and here for you”. I check in on them.

I remember suddenly the way I felt when I started hospice work on a really beautiful research project run through the University of Washington almost 20 years ago. My very first patient I saw as a research assistant, I felt trepidation entering her apartment. She was dying of breast cancer. I asked her many questions about pain, depression, emotions and fears. All of them pre-written for this project.

Once I was finished speaking with her and back in my little car in the rainy parking lot, I sobbed.

But then, it got easier and easier. By the fifth person, I was able to sit with them and know nothing was required except to be there and ask the questions they had already agreed to be asked. I enjoyed my job so much, I was shocked. It felt so genuine, so real.

Back to my loved one.

I noticed this person said “I don’t want any advice. I just want you to hear me”.

So good to know. Reality tells you what’s needed.

No Advice. No problem-solving.

Turning the thought around: If someone tells a terrible story, it does NOT mean they’ll be miserable forever, or suicidal, or broken.

It means they’re whole, intact, aware, moving towards joy.

Could it be just as true?

Why not? Don’t I notice the power of healing, of freedom and joy over and over again?

Yes I do.

Turning the thought around again: If someone tells me their miserable story, my thinking is miserable…not them.

Wow. Yes, I joined in.

I added some anxiety to the pot even.

I believed, just like them.

This person gave me the opportunity to hold and question a thought that misery must be stopped….that it doesn’t stop itself.

I imagined God, reality, support, love, source, mystery, magic and miracles were not possible in this situation, were not already underway.

Oops.

Who needs God, when we have my opinion?

Byron Katie used to say this with a smile from time to time sitting with people who made extra good cases for their misery and suffering and terrible predicaments.

I loved it when I first heard it.

I love noticing that tendency within me that says “No thanks, reality…I’ll take care of this myself! You obviously don’t know how to manage things around here!”

That mind that doesn’t believe love and rest and abundance and ease is possible in certain situations. That mind that doesn’t remember everything passes, and nothing is All Bad. That mind that is not in charge of other people’s healing.

Or my own, for that matter.

I can’t give you anything you don’t already have. Self-inquiry allows you access to the wisdom that already exists within you. It gives you the opportunity to realize the truth for yourself. Truth doesn’t come or go; it’s always here, always available to the open mind. If I can teach you anything, it is to identify the stressful thoughts that you’re believing and to question them, to get still enough so that you can hear your own answers. Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories. The Work gives you a portal into wisdom, a way to tap into the answers that wake you up to your true nature, until you realize how all suffering is caused and how it can be ended. It returns you to before the beginning of things. Who would you be without your identity?

Winter Retreat meets Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence.

9am-11:30am Pacific Time daily and 3:30-6:00pm Pacific Time daily. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here.

Sliding scale.

Much love,
Grace

November 17, 2020November 17, 2020

there’s something wrong with anxiety

There must be something wrong with me–I know, because of this anxiety.

Have you ever had that thought?

Whether a moment when you dropped a dish and it smashed to pieces, or someone broke up with you, or you weighed yourself (we’re looking at this in Eating Peace program) or you lost your temper, or you lost your house because of difficult financial circumstances….

….so many times we’ve reacted.

“Yikes! Oh no!”

I did it wrong.

Because I did it wrong, I’ll die without succeeding. I’ll fail. I’ll suffer. I’ll be alone forever. I won’t get “there”.

Some of us take so much responsibility for problems, we’re anxious, then we’re depressed and incredibly full of despair.

But can you be sure there’s something wrong with you because you’re anxious?

Think of just one situation.

For example, two different inquirers brought this to the pot in the past couple of weeks:

They were anxiously thinking about the future.

They were against feeling so anxious. Their minds were out of control.

Unchangeable.

“I’ve been working on this for soooooo long. Why don’t I stop obsessing? Why do I continue to be like this?!”

So if you’ve experience anxiety, and then berated yourself for being anxious….this inquiry is for you.

My situation. Two years ago (ish) in February on a very dark wintry rainy weekend in the northwest. I’m out of town with my husband for a long weekend.

In the hotel room, we receive an email saying they’ll be moving ahead with the building project in our back yard. A new small house with a ground floor apartment for my mother in her elder years, and a studio/office space up above for groups and inquiry work.

They would need $52,000 to begin on Tuesday.

I begin to sweat.

Holy Mother of God, what have we done? This is going to cost so much more than that. If this is only what they need to get started, how will this unfold? What if we don’t have enough? How did we ever think we could do something so massive? Why didn’t we just pay off our house instead of refinancing and building?

How could I have imagined I would even be eligible to do such a grand, gigantic thing?

People are starving in Africa.

As my husband began to breathe heavily later, in a deep and restful sleep, I began to think.

Maybe we should back out of this.

And by the way, why are we in a hotel? We should be saving any extra money for this ginormous project.

We should probably leave in the morning. I don’t like it here.

Now, you might think….she probably started doing The Work in the middle of the night, right?

Oh no.

I was having a full on epileptic thinking seizure. I stared at airplane lights far in the distance out the dark window, wondering how I picked a hotel this close to the airport.

I’m honestly still not sure why or how that all rose up to such a heightened sense of speeding thought, and how it happened that all sense of safety was sucked out of the room. (That’s dramatic–the room was entirely safe. The future, in my head, was unsafe).

I’m not sure why I did not meet the anxious mind with four questions as I always find liberating.

Maybe the fire needed to burn very brightly, so I could see how much I feared not having enough in the future.

I had images of boarded-up unfinished houses seen in neighborhoods sometimes. People who started a big project, and couldn’t finish it.

I had images of stocks plunging to zero and everything tanking.

“What is wrong with you?”, I thought.

“Don’t you want a simple life?”

People who come into the programs I facilitate often come with this core belief running in the background, this terrible doubt about themselves; Relationship Hell to Heaven (which just ended last Sunday, such a beautiful healing group), Year of Inquiry (gathering all year for self-inquiry together), Eating Peace (people feeling horrible about their eating issues).

Everyone is upset with how life has gone, and especially how they’ve responded to it.

Is it true there’s something wrong with you, if you’ve been full of emotions, like anxiety?

Are you absolutely sure it’s wrong to feel anxious?

No.

What’s the reality? Anxiety exists.

What happens when you’re upset with anxiety, with thinking, with a circumstance or a condition that sends you into fear?

I see flashes of terrible failure in the future.

Suffering. Sorrow. Regret.

I have to make the right decision NOW. I panic and run. Or I jump in when not quite ready.

Everything on the topic is an emergency.

In my mind that night during the news that our plans were really happening, I was unexpectedly thrown off by my panic about the unknown future…and money.

Who would I be without the belief that something was wrong? With me? With the circumstance?

Aware that nothing WAS actually wrong in that moment.

Even with this mind.

It was doing its job, reminding (re-mind-ing) me that only ten years earlier I almost lost the very same property to foreclosure and debt. Reminding me I should be very careful (which can be questioned). Reminding me I’ve suffered in the past, so suffering may happen again in the future.

But it was just mental images and thoughts and imagination and stored memory presenting itself.

I could question it all.

Who are we without our thoughts about the thing causing anxiety, and the anxiety itself?

I love we can turn the mind towards using the imagination for support and loving kindness, rather than drama and chaos.

Without my beliefs running, I’d notice the stillness and the powerful support of the present moment.

Turning the thought around: there’s something wrong with my thinking.

Yes, I can see my thinking, left unto itself, runs rampant when believing there’s a threat.

Turning the thought around: there’s something RIGHT with me (as I gaze at anxiety).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Anxious images in a slide show, anxious feelings in the body.

And still, woman listening to husband’s sleeping breath. Looking through a glass at the night sky. Listening to the quiet room.

Stillness present.

Safety present.

Secure in gravity, warmth, resting, oxygen.

Mind busy, doing what it was born to do.

Nothing wrong.

“It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Body lying on a bed, feeling what the mind is thinking.

Failing to notice the joy of the space, the support, the slowness. Failing to notice no check needs to be written in the middle of the night, right at that moment.

All else, perfectly in order, perfectly on time.

Life, offering something. Person reacting to it and believing. Person believing the thought that believing a thought was wrong.

A lovely inquirer in Year of Inquiry said in passing in our call last Saturday “that Rumi poem about staring at the wound, that one…”

It’s one of my favorites, and I read it at retreats quite often.

I opened it up later to re-read it, and bring it to this memory of an imagined anxious sleepless night, noticing the intensity and beauty of that weekend and the turning within, the awareness. The invitation.

Look.

Look again.

Who are you, without your thoughts, even in that past memory of anxiety?

Who are you without your thoughts that having anxious thoughts is terrible, or wrong or unenlightened?

Healing the past, in the present moment of inquiry.

Calling back the past “see, it’s OK, it always was. Relax, relax.”

Kind to the anxious one. Willing to question.

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound.
They cover it, those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a Teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.”
~ Rumi

If you have a past memory that surfaces, an experience of something “wrong” with you, with others, with life….

….you can believe your thoughts (how brilliant that you have done so) and you can also answer four questions and find turnarounds and un-believe your thoughts.

We can keep looking at the wounds, and not turn our heads.

Letting the light enter us.

If you want to, join me and the wonderful Tom Compton as we support you in healing the anxious mind with The Work.

Everyone, experienced to beginner, is welcome.

We meet Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

We have wonderful things planned and the unplanned will present itself, as it always does, to hold us in steady joy and silence in the background of it all.

We can’t wait to be in the adventure.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here. Sliding scale $375 – $895 for six days.

We prepare for winter, on the inside, on the outside.

The immense gift of inquiry: noticing reality is kind. Noticing reality is a teacher. Noticing reality can be trusted.

Astonishing.

Much love,
Grace

October 23, 2020October 23, 2020

Making friends with the worst that can happen: cancer Peace Talk

Some of us have heard these words. About ourselves. Or someone we love dearly.

It’s cancer.

I’ll never forget my own moment, coming from the doctor’s lips, just after stitches were taken out from a biopsy on my leg.

The adrenaline coursed through my body like a geyser shooting through.

Instant fear.

I’m going to die.

I’m going to suffer.

This is terrible, hideous, sad, horrifying.

I knew it, I knew this would happen to me.

Fear, anger, wailing…all happening on the inside, churning around.

Are these thoughts true, though?

What happens when you believe these thoughts?

Agony, terrible visions, memories of my father dying. Visions of loss, emptiness, disappointment, suffering.

But who would I be without the whole big all-inclusive story called “cancer” and what it means when we have it, or when someone else has it?

What if it was not so frightening to die, or have someone we love die?

Can I notice the rush of feelings, and also wonder what I am without the belief “it’s cancer”?

If I didn’t have all the images, expectations, meanings, trauma associated with cancer….

….what would that really be like?

I noticed one minute, I am not thinking, and the next moment with two words, I am.

What made all the difference in the world from one second to the next?

Words. Thoughts. Feelings shooting off.

Without my story, I notice a kind doctor’s face telling me what’s next. I notice my body, strong, solid, alive, pain-free in that moment.

I notice the experiences of life come and go and come and go, just like people, just like all of us. Coming and going, all beautiful.

In Peace Talk Episode 170 this week, I got to have a beautiful conversation with Certified Facilitator Bethany Webb.

One thing we both have in common is hearing those two words “it’s cancer”.

Fortunately, we’ve also got something else in common: four questions and turnarounds.

Listen on audio only HERE.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Winter (Retreat) is Coming! Join me and Tom Compton to share in six days of The Work online Dec 1-6. Bring your “worst” fears, worries, disappointments. Let’s do The Work. Read more here.

July 30, 2020July 30, 2020

You have to do it….is that really true?

I’m in my quiet small living room, a slow hum of a rare fan for blowing in cool air after a hot summer day with clear skies.

I just turned my head up, looked out the big window from my couch, and saw the bright moon.

About 3/4 full.

A white bulb in the dark blue-black sky.

Low sounds of faint cheers are coming from where my husband sits through an open door in another room.

Chicago Bulls from the 1990s again.

(This is so fascinating and cute to me. I don’t believe I’ve ever watched Chicago Bulls even one time).

The evening is quiet, slow, summer.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go, nowhere to be.

Except.

I might be taking this a little too far.

Because aren’t I supposed to be working on my business daily? Writing? Planning? Organizing? Podcasting?

Getting ready for Year of Inquiry in September, and Eating Peace Immersion in October?

Surely I haven’t done enough today. Not anywhere near enough.

There’s a shed to re-fill with sorted boxes, my car to wash, a table to paint wood sealer on, weeding.

Jeez. That voice.

The Do-er.

What if none of that is necessary at all, unless I just happen to feel like doing it?

This morning a woman in Eating Peace Basics shared that she’s somewhat confused, doesn’t feel half the time like she’s getting it, and felt like bolting or quitting the first few weeks of the class…

…and yet here she was on another call.

Showing up.

Present. With questions, uncertainty, wondering.

We even do this with The Work itself, or any other modality as soon as we start to think it’s “good” for us.

I’ve had this thought about life itself.

We think “I’m not getting it” or “I’m behind!” or “I’m not doing it right” or “I need to do more, surely. Much, much more”.

And as soon as we’re thinking we should do more of this and less of that other thing, the shoulds, shouldn’ts, wants, have to’s, need to’s, musts, won’ts come flying in…

I notice when so much shouting happens, it’s hard to find the quiet in the background, underneath it all.

It’s hard to remember the simple joy and need to rest the mind, pause, look around, breathe deep, listen.

If the world was trying to catch my attention in those DO DO DO moments, that is not exactly a two-way comfortable conversation with reality.

Know what I mean?

We have to do stuff.

Is it true?

Who would we be without this story?

Free to do it or not do it.

Enjoying doing it, or enjoying not doing it.

Sharing a group interested in looking at thought and wondering about Not Thinking and what is here besides the mind….moving on with an hour, an evening, a moment.

Simply being willing.

Nothing required here.

Not even to be willing, actually.

Woman sitting on summer night in pacific northwest, with moon beaming into window, turning back to computer and typing. Slowly. Not concerned with finishing, and noticing a magnificence of this moment.

Not tired for some weird reason, even though the clock just passed 11pm now.

Nothing happened that was “big”.

There was no cockroach, I didn’t just do The Work in writing, no jolt hit me, no sudden dawn of recognition.

But I noticed I was happy.

Mind says “oh, you can’t really be ‘happy’ right now.

Remember the stuff you need to do? Your child and their worries? The virus? The unfinished shed project? Business updates? The email-sending tech problem?

Remember tomorrow you need to take the computer to the repair store and blah, blah, blah?

For a second, I bet you could do it too.

What if you were just…happy?

If your mind says…oh no. That couldn’t be true.

Why not?

Are you sure that’s true?

Yes…even with all that’s happened or happening.

Even with that.

“The mind is prior to whatever it perceives. It is pure and lucid and completely open to everything: the apparent ugly just as much as the apparently beautiful, rejection as much as acceptance, disaster as much as success…..What flows out of its realization is freedom. ‘No place to stand’ is where it stands; there’s where its delight is. When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period. And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice when I don’t “have to” I still might “do”.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry begins next month. NEW format for the year. Updates coming soon to the website (not there yet though–apparently the updates do not “have to” be done today). Can’t wait to meet those who will travel together sharing The Work and finding who we are without our stories, have-to’s, musts, or suffering….

July 14, 2020July 14, 2020

When our work is the suffering of death….especially a beloved’s suicide

When someone we care about dies, there is perhaps nothing so intense.

(I know this isn’t always true).

And yet, as I work with people and within myself, I see the deepest grief, dread of life without them, panic, abandonment, fear and longing all come to the surface when someone close dies.

When the death is by what we call suicide, a choice to move into that death experience deliberately….

….it can bring some unique thoughts.

We believe they should have stayed, should have chosen otherwise, shouldn’t be gone–not this way.

We even imagine other options for death (at least I did) that might have been “easier” somehow.

Strange the mind is.

“It would have been easier if he had died in a car accident”.

I had this thought about a friend I loved dying by suicide.

That way would have been better for his children, wife, extended family, community, himself.

Can we absolutely, solidly, positively without any doubt know that our thoughts are true?

One thing I can know is true is the courage and grace I witness when someone does The Work of Byron Katie on the death of a loved one.

When the death is by suicide, it is profound.

To be with the voices that scream “shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, no, no, no, not this way, no” takes such immense courage and listening as we sit with the four questions.

The story of death seems bleak, terrifying, unknown, filled with loss, disappointing, maybe even horrifying.

I’ve had the thought “I can’t go on”.

I’ve had the thought “THEY can’t go on” about or for other people who have experienced death of loved ones by suicide (and other death).

Heart-breaking.

In the work, we ask this amazing question four:

Who would we be without our beliefs about death; death by suicide, death by other means….death?

Right now, who would we be without our ideas, dreams, imaginings, anticipation, expectations of death?

Who would we be without the story of loss as we remember holding that person in our arms who has since died?

Join me to sit in the beautiful inquiry of a woman new to The Work who had someone she cared about deeply die by suicide.

May this inquiry serve you and all those suffering from unexpected death.

For those who would appreciate the healing of group inquiry over six weeks starting this coming Monday July 20th….this is the one “six week retreat” we do online together.

We call it summer camp, and it’s all virtual using zoom.

You can share, listen-only, soak it in, participate by speaking and doing The Work, or share in writing in our private forum.

You come and go as you need to, and choose the days you’ll attend (you can mark your calendar).

We gather for daily inquiry of 60-75 mins for the whole time (except weekends). Mondays we meet at 9am PT, Tuesdays 5pm PT, Wednesdays at Noon PT, Thursdays 3pm PT, and Fridays at 8am PT.

Read more about camp and sign up here. Pay from the heart contribution of sliding scale or based on what you’ll attend or listen to. (Everything’s recorded).

Much love,

Grace

June 9, 2020

When you believe physical pain is a huge problem….The Work

Have you had aggression, upset, anger or resignation about pain in your body?

Oh, I have indeed.

That injury from August 2013, to be specific. Where the hamstring blah blah blah.

If you’re new here to my story, the right hamstring got torn off the bone (I did gymnastics, literally) and it was surgically repaired with pins in the sits bone. It rarely stops hurting for more than a few days.

At first I wrote “it never stops hurting” but that’s not true, so I had to go back and change it to “it rarely stops hurting”.

But that’s not really true either.

Once I went almost 3 weeks without pain, I go on my bike or out for a walk every day, I sleep well (so that’s 7 or 8 hours without even remembering it hurts), I’m super into doing The Work with people so I’m working with folks on zoom and it doesn’t even cross my mind when I’m in sessions….

….So yah. Many minutes do not include pain around this injury.

A few weeks ago, a lovely woman shared honestly her jumbled and upset thoughts about her shoulder and arm and radiating pain and came to a powerful thought about it:

This pain is ruining my life.

Woah. That’s a pretty big deal. I think I can relate.

Recently in our online retreat (which was so awesome, I loved every minute of it and all the amazing people who joined to question their thinking)….someone shared about her body pain and the idea that it might last the rest of her life.

I heard her. I have heard that voice in my head saying “this will last for the rest of your life! Never the same again! It’s all down hill from here!”

Who are we without the story of physical pain?

I notice I am not in denial. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt when it DOES obviously hurt.

But I can see that even with it, as it morphs, fades in and out, turns up the volume, or turns it down….my thinking about it can be questioned.

It’s ruining my life.

Is that true?

For me, not one bit.

The amazing retreat still happened. I learned, sat with the others, heard the beautiful voice of my colleague Tom who has such a fabulous flavor of The Work.

Peace Talk Podcast Episode163

This same pair of glasses can be worn to look at our beliefs about emotional pains that we believe ruined, or are ruining, our lives.

Is it true?

Much love,

Grace

May 30, 2020

No conditions for love…even with cancer

I am ready to continue to sit again with this mind, old thoughts, new group, and the dreams I’ve experienced that appear stressful.

Someone wrote and asked about cancer and seeing it with unconditional love.

One of my deepest inquiries, personally, has been whatever appears to show up as a matter of life or death.

What are the situations I see in my mind with cancer?

Sitting at the bedside of my father, a November where it’s been drizzling all day, and the darkness has now descended at 4:00pm in the afternoon in the Pacific Northwest. The time of death is near, after two years of many treatments. He will never get to see his grandchildren not yet born, or to retire.

My doctor looks serious when I return to her office about a large bump on my thigh that was biopsied two weeks earlier. “After I take the stitches out, we need to talk about this.” Adrenaline surges through my body.

One of my dearest friends since age 14. I’ve been visiting him weekly for many months. He doesn’t get out of bed anymore when I come. I see wide bumps on his back that look like they are full of liquid, as he moves to reach for a glass of water.

The father of my children and first husband lies in a very quiet low-lit room in the tall Swedish Hospital in the middle of our city. There’s a gorgeous view out the window of a warm summer sunset. Everyone who visited earlier has left. I didn’t know I’d be the only one in the hushed room. I feel choked up, and heart-broken, and awkward….but there, present.

This is horrible. Awful. Wrong. Terrible. Devastating. Something to be AGAINST. Death. Knowing death is coming. Body breaking down. They are going soon. Terrifying.

Is it true?

What?! What kind of question is that?

How could that NOT be true? Of course it’s terrible. Nobody likes dying, and especially of cancer.

I notice how sure the mind is that it’s right. I notice how it’s terrified of death, even when it’s inevitable for everyone.

Such certainty, all based on guesses.

Can you absolutely know this is true that this situation, dancing with cancer, is horrible, terrifying, wrong…for them, for me?

This is no small question. This is the greatest question in the world.

Can I know it’s true that death–and especially death by THIS thing called cancer–is the “worst” thing ever?

Can I know the pain is intolerable, wrong, devastating?

No.

I. Do. Not. Know.

When I experienced the cancerous tumor, it was cut off my leg and almost 50 stitches to sew the area back up. The pain I felt was a super sharp sting as they put in the lidocaine injections deep into my thigh. I was awake. There was no additional pain. I saw nothing but the surgeon wearing her mask and the assistants moving about, smoke rising from a cauterizer. I heard them talking.

With my loved ones, I was there with them, just being there. Except for my reaction to the image of them over there, looking like they were weak and hurting and almost dead (and my stories about death) the space was peaceful.

Actually, more than peaceful. It was sacred.

Holy.

Like I was present to the portal that opens between this world and another, perhaps.

Someone doing The Work with me once said with a choked throat and tears and despair “There might be nothing on the other side. It’s just over. It’s so sad.”

And I notice, I don’t know if it’s sad. If it’s over there would be no sadness. The sadness can only be in the mind, now.

How do you react when you believe this death approaching, this illness, is horrible?

How do you react when you’re against it?

Crushed.

Imagination run rampant with thoughts of how it would feel, of imagining pain, of comparing what is with what was or what should be.

Here, I’m aware this work of self-inquiry is not about moving speedy quick over these difficult feelings or the wildness and mystery of life and death.

It is not saying “never think about death” or pretending there is no feeling of falling.

There is no trying to get somewhere else really, at all, even though I must admit I came into The Work trying to get somewhere else, somewhere different that felt better.

But who would I be in the face of cancer and death, without my conditions? Who would I be without the belief it should be different…another way?

How did I get the idea?

I notice how much I love the world, love people, connections, life, wonder. Perhaps that’s where I got the idea.

I imagine this love, this awe of life and how strange, magnificent, weird and mysterious it all is….and I dream of it ending in the future, as other things have apparently ended, and I feel what I’m calling “sad”.

Without the thought of “horrible” though, I’m in the moment now, with these people and images, with this invisible thing called cancer, where bodies are changing.

I see how there’s a slow peaceful movement away from the symptoms into whatever death is.

Everything changing, shifting, moving.

Turning the thought around: MY THINKING is horrible. Awful. Wrong. Terrible. Devastating. Something to be AGAINST. Death. My thinking is coming. Mind breaking down. My thinking is going soon. My thinking is terrifying and terrified.

Could it be that except for my thinking, all is well?

Yes. I’m simply here, aware. Being here, winding up here without a plan–there was no plan.

Holding this person’s hand, sitting in the presence of What Is. Broken open. Broken open very wide.

Not too terrified to be here, witnessing. Of service, if I can be. Noticing I want to give time, attention, connection. Noticing I wouldn’t want to miss any of this.

Not too terrified to feel like falling to my knees and surrendering to All This and sobbing my heart out.

This is wonder-ful, bearable. Right. Happening. Affirming. Something to be in favor of. Life. Knowing death is coming is good. Body breaking down is OK, the way of it. We are all going soon. We get to make that mysterious journey. It is loving.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

I can find so many advantages.

What if all the “conditions” I’ve placed on loving and being loved, on accepting and being acceptable, on feeling happy and peaceful, on me being a “me” and you being a “you”…..

…..fell away and there was nothing more required, absolutely nothing, in order to experience and be love, or peace, or happiness itself?

Aren’t I most interested in No Conditions?

Isn’t my greatest choice, perhaps my only choice, the ending of all conditions for love, peace or happiness? Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted…to feel whole, joyful, free no matter what?

Isn’t that why I keep loving doing The Work?

Yes.

Without the thoughts about dying, disease and death….what is, is amazing.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Retreat starts in 2 days. For those of you asking about attending morning sessions only during this retreat since you’re in Europe, or evenings only if you’re in Australia, yes you can (good to have experience in The Work). Please consider the contribution of about $60-$80 per session to support us in our work. Institute for The Work ITW candidates receive 24 in-person credits (12 with me, 12 with Tom Compton–unless you’ve already gotten credit with us before). Join us here.

April 7, 2020

Ten thousand forms of suffering. Joining Year of Inquiry can help.

An old zen question: what was your original face before you were born?

Before everything became “this” life. The face who has lived, is living, will live an unknown amount farther into the future.

This morning in early meditation, for some reason, maybe it was the bizarre changes in the world out there with the massive stop of travel and social time and weirdness of the virus and death notices….I thought of the man who went spelunking one day all by himself, an expert cave crawler, and a great huge boulder rolled with a shift onto his forearm.

He was trapped, and alone and down in a canyon or a cave.

He eventually realized his only way out alive was to cut off his own arm, free himself, and make his way back out to the light.

Yikes. Sorry for the disconcerting visual. It’s stayed with me ever since I first read about it when I visited Moab National Park about 15 years ago.

I felt the familiar heightened awareness as I sat in stillness. Wondering what it was like, how he could have managed to do such a thing.

But the reason I mention this, and I really don’t mean to be adding MORE to the visuals and nerves that seem to be arising….is to say that I’ve observed the mind working this way in the past.

It feels threatened for whatever reason, a generalized notion of uncertainty, haunting music playing, people with anxiety, scary sounding news….and what does it do?

It thinks of MORE disturbing images from both the past and the future.

Like a slide show playing on ultra-speed; is this one making you nervous? How about this one? What about this one? Oh, and how about that one from 1972?

And it pauses on that old story of the guy who amputated his own arm. Jeez, not that one again.

(I’ve also got a repeater of another young man climbing Half Dome without ropes, paused part way up with his back to the cliff and “resting”–it was on the cover of a National Geographic).

All these images, worries, wonderings, unknown mysteries, strange adventures.

This seems to be a time when wondering is up, strong, intense in the atmosphere.

Which is why I loved a group inquiry that just happened, yesterday, in Year of Inquiry.

It was a simple, core, sweeping thought resounding through the group:

IT’S TOO MUCH!!

Everyone found their collection of thoughts that all built together for a moment when the abrupt cry entered the mind “it’s all too much! Nooooooo!”

(We may have heard it several times a day the way the world is unfolding lately, I know).

Too much to organize, too much work suddenly transferred to the living room, too much anxiety about what will happen next, too much nervousness about getting the virus or losing money, too much thinking about death or disease or bodies, too much talking with everyone in the family home at the same time, too much laundry, noise, news headlines.

In our group, someone had too much time suddenly on their hands, another was being driven crazy by the kids, another exchanged harsh words with his dad, another drove into then out of the grocery store parking lot.

Someone else was having to figure out teaching college online.

But hearing peoples’ images, visions, thoughts, feelings all in this inquiry work feels like such a relief–we’re not alone, we all have the same SMACK DOWN even if the images and situations are different and unique.

A thought whizzes in with the grand statement “Too much! Too much! Seriously too much!”

But here’s the thing.

As we walked through this belief, we discovered the only thing that’s really too much, in any given moment ever, is the belief itself.

My thoughts fill the air with visions of the future that are entirely unknown. Worries. Perhaps there’s been physical pain.

But was it ever too much?

No.

I’m here, breathing. I didn’t die.

Too much for what? Too much for me to feel, to imagine, to wonder about, to hold?

What if that is just not true?

I reflected on how in my life I’ve felt abandoned, hated myself, experienced terror, lost everything including all my possessions, gotten physically hurt….and it was never too much, except in my head.

When I believed it was too much, frequently my action was to eat, smoke, drink, read historical novels, gather information and quickly, grab for answers, work harder, stay awake at night.

When I believed it was too much I never questioned it.

Now, thank goodness for four questions.

Turning the thought around: It is not too much. My thinking is too much. I AM too much for IT.

Life, circumstances, happenings, situations, people, emotions.

“I am” lives through it all, the life force (as one year-of-inquiry member said), the buzzing beat of being here. The pulse of living is here–and the thoughts fall apart, dissolve, collapse. They even go away the minute we sleep.

Things shift, despite my thinking. Things get OK again.

“I am” holds it all and the Too Muchness fades and returns, but doesn’t destroy What Is.

Something that was here before All This, and will live on after All This….can’t be touched.

Who or what our faces were before we were born.

If you notice stress thinking or disturbed thinking pesters and bothers you about life–and it doesn’t have to be about the virus–come join us as the doors are open this month of April in Year of Inquiry. We’re a mighty fine group of sincere people, wanting simply to question our thoughts.

Click HERE to read details. We meet live, we share a private forum for doing our work in writing and communicating online, and we partner pair with others.

I am so touched by all the new folks who already just joined Year of Inquiry, wow. My hands are clapping.

The ship is taking new inquirers on board this month, then we’ll close the doors again until the usual annual open time: September.

Join for a year (saving quite a lot), or month-to-month (still such a deal compared to solo sessions), and please ask me if you are out of work and in dire need of scholarship help. Just write to grace@workwithgrace.com

Questioning the worst that can happen starts with being willing to notice the thoughts

How you holding up?

I am finding the power of inquiry right now is invaluable.

(Remember First Friday is this coming Friday, April 3rd 7:45am PT-9:15am Pacific Time. Join zoom meeting:

https://zoom.us/j/988954937. Meeting ID: 988 954 937

With your phone if not connected to internet dial +1 408 638 0968 US.)

I know things are intense for some of you, and you may even feel afraid of being afraid.

I have a friend of a friend who was fighting for his life with the virus in ICU in California. Fifties, great athletic condition, non-smoker. Now recovering.

A couple who owned a popular restaurant here where I live (near Seattle) both died of the virus last week. I didn’t know them, it’s in the local news.

I just received the written work of one of the amazing Year of Inquiry members.

(Year of Inquiry as you probably know is a group that gathers together for an entire year online to practice and deepen The Work in live zoom calls, writing on a forum, sharing a different topic each month, pairing up)….

…..but this YOI member….she’s got it.

The Virus.

Hospitalized, frightened.

And what did she do?

She noticed her fear. She noticed her mind going insane with anxiety and pain about what was happening. And then….she did The Work.

She sent her work in writing to me, she shared on our forum, people in the group were so moved.

Her thought?

“I’m going to die this week”.

A terrifying thought. The body fills with adrenaline. Images are rapid fire of dying, not being able to breath, seeing children living without a mother, a partner living without a mate, ventilators getting removed and a dead body left.

I personally don’t like imagining not being able to breath either. I can see the picture of it, being the one unable to take a breath. Terrified. Freaking out about what will happen next.

What is your worst fear about this virus, or really, about anything in life?

It seems like this virus thing is kicking up the muck, the greatest fears, on the bottom of our consciousness: I won’t survive. This is dangerous. I have to work hard to be safe. There’s no way out.

Don’t we all think this about life sometimes (or maybe…often)?

I won’t have/I don’t have enough: money, love, connection, time, safety, contact, attention, friends, purpose, clarity, freedom, support, life.

I notice when having this orientation of sheer terror or upset thinking about a threat….the reaction is MORE fear.

The mind says “Let’s shut this down! Don’t think about it! Think of something positive, quick! Run away! Play dead!”

Fight, Flight, or Freeze. Maybe a combo of all three. You may already know your usual defensive patterns.

You need to stop thinking about the terrifying events possible in the future. You need to fix your mind ASAP. You shouldn’t be having this experience, even of thinking.

Is it true?

Oh. Right.

The Work! I almost forgot. Heh heh.

Is it absolutely true, it shouldn’t be happening–even in the mind?

Is it true I shouldn’t notice and sit with my thoughts? Is it true I shouldn’t be having such desperate thoughts in the first place?

No. Not true.

I’ve had a ton of thoughts that never manifested, and horrifying thoughts and images, throughout my life…and I’m still here, sitting in a chair at the moment.

Oh, you too?

Nothing actually came true. Not even from movies I saw about a story that WAS true (and is no longer happening, and I can’t know it was true to be honest).

And believe me, I’m not saying it’s easy to notice this, or trying to diminish your sense of no safety. I’m not saying terrifying things didn’t happen that set you off. They did.

This is about the thinking and imagining that happens after the “horrible” event. The thing that labeled it as horrible, without question.

For example the movie Apocalypse Now which scared me half to death and then made me cry with the grief of it when I first saw it long ago.

Or Bambi. When I saw that movie when I was about seven it was the first time I realized mother’s can die. Seriously, it was awful.

But not true that seeing these movies was a bad idea. Or that recognizing fearful thoughts meant I shouldn’t have them.

I also notice my worst thinking was the subject of The Work, and sitting with it brought immense unexpected freedom. A brilliance I can’t describe.

Definitely not true I shouldn’t even think about the worst that could happen, let alone experience it.

What happens when I believe: “This threat shouldn’t be happening! This is unsafe! I’m dying! They’re dying! I won’t have enough!!!” And then on top of it, I should also NOT be thinking fearful thoughts?

Fear. Anxiety. Images. Horror. Worry. Sleeplessness. Hate. Anger at This Mind. Freaking Out.

I notice what I believe a fearful thought means. It means it’s true and it’s possible. It means something worse, something more terrible will happen in “real” life. You know, later on, in the future. That “real” place. (Ahem).

Feeling fear means agonizing suffering, for me and/or for other people. It means non-enlightenment, wrong-ness, abandonment. It means the universe and reality is very, very unfriendly. God does NOT have my back or anyone’s back.

Yikes.

It really is a horror show and crushingly terrifying.

So. Deep breath.

Who would I be without the belief “I don’t have enough, I won’t have enough, this is totally dangerous?! AND I shouldn’t be thinking this in the first place!”?

Wow. Holy Moly.

Just the willingness to pause for a second and set that thought down that there is no way out and it’s a devastating horror show?

Yes. Pausing. Letting the thought be here.

Something expands. Something is underneath all that fear, dread, disgust, terror. Something surrounds it.

Like it is there, the horror, but it’s inside something greater. The boundaries aren’t so harsh and hard.

Thinking is happening.

Something other than thinking is also happening.

Noticing there’s air in the room right now, and I’m not having trouble breathing in any way whatsoever in the moment.

Now, noticing wind chimes and the sun beckoning to come outside.

Without the belief that thinking a fearful thought is bad, and so not having enough later on in the imagined future is bad, and feeling fear is bad….

….I notice a little dance of humor.

Maybe for you this is going a little too far. Humor?

What? Seriously?

Maybe it’s heartbreak you notice.

What Is doesn’t seem like your preference.

You’re not in favor of the thought….but it’s OK for it to be here. Because it is here.

Something feels lighter without the belief I need to be against fear, and jump into defense mode, reaction mode, terror mode.

I’m willing.

I’m willing to sit here for a moment without the belief I have to get rid of my thinking.

I’m willing to sit here.

I’m willing to apply the four questions, but not with a motive. Not with a plan that it will get rid of my thinking….although it might.

I just notice self-inquiry is the only thing I really can do that offers true peace without force or control.

Turning It Around:

I will have/I do have enough: money, love, connection, time, safety, contact, attention, friends, purpose, clarity, freedom, support, life.

It’s enough. I’m surviving. I’ve always survived so far. I’m alive. I can relax.

It’s OK that I am thinking a dreadful thought. It’s just a thought, after all.

Can I notice how safe I am, even while I think of the future in terrifying ways? I’m breathing. I’m surviving. My mind is active and interesting. I’ve got the four questions. I’m willing.

I am willing to think terrible thoughts. I am willing to be afraid. I am willing to notice.

I look forward to thinking terrible thoughts. I look forward to being afraid. I look forward to noticing.

Being human. Nothing more, nothing less.

“Every time you try to change someone, you’re trying to change someone who doesn’t exist. They only exist in your own head. People can only be who you believe them to be, never more.” ~ Byron Katie

This includes ourselves.

Finally, this amazing inquirer shared her inquiry a few weeks ago. She didn’t get “enough” of something….and notice how she discovered what was really true for her.

You can also listen to this episode on itunes and most audio apps or download it here.

These sessions are offered as open no-charge sessions for people wanting to do The Work in exchange for public sharing. While all the sessions filled immediately when I first opened them up to scheduling, some people have needed to switch their time. Take a look here if you’d like to do The Work and be a part of the peace movement for others to benefit. Thank you.

Much love,

Grace