Category: Pain, Sickness and Death

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Something terrible is happening. Not a new thought.

When we do The Work, the very first place to start is finding a situation we hold as difficult, upsetting, horrifying, irritating or depressing.

The feeling we have about a situation can be anything uncomfortable, whether slightly uncomfortable or massively, outrageously uncomfortable.

The difficult feeling is the result of us thinking.

Isn’t this alone absolutely fascinating to notice?

The mind is activated, we see images and words, or hear sounds like when a song is playing in our heads.

Images, sounds, words….it happens amazingly fast. Brilliantly fast.

Our bodies feel it. The nervous system is activated.

Some of us think: “I need to stop thinking” or “I need to avoid the news” or “they should stop thinking” or maybe “they should be thinking MORE about this, just like I am”.

But this is just another set of thoughts from the mind’s Thought and Feeling Management Department.

I love that we get to notice feelings, and actually respect and honor them.

I used to hate them.

If I started to feel in a big way upset, angry, afraid, terrified, worried….I’d basically immediately begin to think about ways to divert these feelings, or shut them down, or find the “true” answer out there so I could rest assured all was well and I was safe.

Other people don’t like big feelings, right? We need to suppress them. They are terrible, we think.

How do we react when we believe “SOMETHING TERRIBLE IS HAPPENING!!!?”

We may be used to believing this, even about our very feelings and emotions, from very young.

A few different strategies the mind will come up with (at least I always did) for handling any Terrible Thing:

A) Let’s try not to think about it. Distract. Focus on peace. Do your mantra. Get upset with people who are talking and posting about the virus. Eat. Drink. Smoke. Clean. Avoid.

B) Worry about what you will FEEL if/when that image you’ve read about or seen (or remembered) happens….most of all death. Or perhaps, suffering. Pain. Not breathing.

Example 1: if someone in my family dies, it’ll probably be me, and my kids will suffer for the rest of their lives. Example 2: if someone in my close circle dies like my mom or my husband or my child, I will suffer for the rest of my life.

Example 3: anything else I’ve heard about suffering, pain, death and dying and imagining it or remembering it.

C) Plan or prepare what you will DO if/when that threatening thing happens.

Example 1: Buy lots of stuff right now.

Example 2: Plan what you’ll do today, or this week, that helps manage the anxiety (See A above)

What I’m really struck by today is noticing the endless habit the mind has to figure it out, make a good plan, be ready, KNOW.

It’s not like I haven’t had the thought before;“something terrible is happening”.

Loss, worry, emptiness, death, attack, absence of what was hoped for, failure….all of this has occurred in my perceptions of What Is over and over again.

These are the topics of my worksheets. These are the experiences I’ve brought to The Work.

So who am I without the belief “Something TERRIBLE is happening?!”

A brilliant moment to notice this profound work is not about denial or pretending something is NOT happening that actually is happening (although in my quiet little cottage I haven’t seen any virus yet, just saying).

Who or what are we without this story?

Last week a wonderful inquirer in the Year of Inquiry group shared a fabulous question in our monthly discussion about The Work and questions or concerns or thoughts about doing The Work:

What if we do The Work and we’re just whistling in the dark?

But as we all shared and contemplated our experiences in questioning our stress, we noticed doing The Work is about accessing reality in a clearer way, aware there’s a pandemic and being with What Is without panic or rage.

We don’t even wish our fear would subside. There’s value in this energy called “fear”. Or perhaps we could call it alertness, awareness.

I notice “fear” changes.

Who am I without my belief “something terrible happened”or “something terrible is happening right now” or “something terrible will happen later”?

Having an honest conversation with Reality.

Without the thought, I’m not against other people and what THEY are doing, I’m enjoying my own mind and my own company, I’m amazed by the beauty of the rug on the floor.

Seriously.

Without the thought I feel a sense of falling but it’s like flying. So beautiful, and fun. Loving All This. Resting somehow, noticing the peace right here now. Following the simple directions, without panic.

Without the belief, I have a broader, wider, kinder, unconditional perspective. My conversation with reality is one of trust, like with a good mentor I adore and respect.

Turning the thought around: Something Wonderful Is Happening. 

Could this be just as true, or truer?

As someone said in this morning’s Year of Inquiry group call: I’m sitting with awareness of my own death, how I’m here temporarily. Feeling the closeness of others who have died (the inquirer spoke of her own son). 

Other examples of the belief that something wonderful is happening, (never meaning to be harsh, this is only about noticing):

a) people are at work studying viruses and immunizations

b) nature is clearing things out, pressing the control-alt-delete button (which has great advantages)

c) I get to study the human experience of death, my own mortality, and feel it without fear–which is incredibly empowering

d) the drawers and closets and outdoor shed beckon for spring cleaning–it’s uncanny how many people are suddenly aware of their “stuff” and interested in sorting through it

e) I get to see all my usual clients at their usual times instead of being on silent retreat for 10 days as I had originally scheduled at this time–on zoom of course

The most powerful turnaround is: something terrible is happening in my mind.

My thoughts fill with images of the devastating future, a sick world, torn apart families, inability to breath, fear, ruin, failure, comparison, greed.

The mind forgets to notice what’s outside my window, the whirr of the heater still pouring out heat on a windy spring chilly afternoon, the sound of birds chirping, the wonder of what is right now, today.

This moment, how would God or All of Reality look at whatever we think of as Terrible?

“As we question a stressful thought, we see for ourselves that it’s untrue; we get to look at the cause and effect of it, to observe in sobering detail exactly what modes of pain and confusion result from believing it; then we get a glimpse into the empty mirror, the world beyond our story of the world, and see what our life would be like without the thought; and finally we get to experience the opposite of what we have so firmly believed and to find specific examples of how these opposites are true. Once we deeply question a thought, it loses its power to make us suffer, and eventually it ceases even to arise.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names for Joy

Much love,

Grace

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When daughters feel upset about their mothers….the Work

A beautiful group of inquirers came to First Friday Open Inquiry sessions last Friday morning 7:45am Pacific Time.

After filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, we got to sit in two different inquiries of the brave people who shared their internal world with us:

First, a moment in childhood where a woman remembers herself at nine years old when her mother displays disgust at her daughter’s rounder body in a bathing suit.

The thought we all sat with: I have to be skinny to be accepted. (I have to be x to be accepted).

The second situation we heard was also a scene with mother and daughter. Mother is crying and sad, daughter was about eight years old….and her belief “My mother is upset and it means that I’m bad”. 

How wonderful to notice how anxious we can be (as children, as adults too) if someone we care about is upset. Is it our fault? We notice how we believe it.

I love all the inquirers who come to sit in The Work on First Fridays. There’s a slowing down, a meditative attitude adopted, a quietness.

Some might call it very slow, perhaps too slow….but not if we’re honestly engaged in self-inquiry.

If you’ve had any of these stressful thoughts mentioned at all, or for any reason you’d like to follow along with the session–which can be so very helpful for reflection–then please enjoy the recording.

It was a beautiful mother-child theme for the day.

Who would you be without the story that you need that other person (mother in this case, or yourself) to be different in order to be happy?

If you want to pass the word along to a friend that these First Friday fabulous meetings occur, then send them the link here so they can get the zoom link to join in their Inbox and get on the mailing list:

https://workwithgrace.lpages.co/first-friday-inquiry-calls-with-grace/

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Cleaning Retreat in May is remaining on the schedule even though Seattle has a Covid-19 Virus scare running through it. We’ll meet at my cottage, if we’re all still alive (little joke). Learn more here. I’ll be sure to keep you completely updated if there’s a need to cancel. So far, so good. Can’t wait to do The Work with you.

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The terrifying experience of “no place to stand”. Could it be freedom instead?

First Friday of the Month (free for anyone on zoom) has been running for about five years. I love the group and the variety of people who appear. Everyone is welcome, any time. We record it and I share it with Grace Notes and Eating Peace readers. There is no fee. You can listen, or participate, as you wish.

This month of February we did some brilliant work on relationship conflict. First Friday from February 7th listen here.

Because I love the First Friday groups so much, I’m inspired to offer something valuable for people one-on-one that also has no charge but instead, another service that can help other people.

Here’s the brilliant idea (and it won’t be for everyone):

You come do The Work in a solo session on anything you find stressful in your life, and in exchange for no fees and no requirements of any kind (except coming with your open mind ready for self-inquiry) your session is recorded for Peace Talk podcast.

It’s OK to leave your name out, and to not use other peoples’ names either.

I know not everyone is willing to be recorded for public sharing….but for those who are willing and able, your work, shared, is service. You can choose audio-only or zoom conference call.

Currently the time slot set for this free session in The Work is Fridays at noon Pacific Time. If you feel enthusiastic about this and want to do this work and you can’t meet Fridays, hit reply and we’ll find another hour that works better. I hope to offer one every week.

Schedule your session here: Schedule NOW.

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Sometimes, the inquiry appearing before me through clients in solo sessions and the groups I facilitate have  themes-of-the-week, and they are all for me.

Well, only all of the time.

But there has been a theme recently. A sense of failure, terror, lack of safety. People felt very triggered and lost about an incident or situation in their lives. Deep regret, or a crushing sense of despair rose up–many times, one session after another.

People with many different stories. But with the very same thoughts. Brutal ones. (For my facebook live inquiry on “that person betrayed me” visit Work With Grace facebook here).

Someone’s friend died within two months from first learning about cancer to death, someone else had to give up a huge travel dream because of a husband’s Parkinson’s disease, someone else discovered a business partner was embezzling money, someone else lost a job.

I myself learned a very close loved one had an untold secret.

Shock. Surprise. Devastation. 

What happens when you discover a terminal diagnosis, get sacked, find out someone stole money from you, learn something that shocks you?

A huge NO rises up. Panic.

I got to sit in inquiry with these amazing, courageous people and listen, be there with them, follow the simple directions of asking and answering four questions.

First of all, is that story true?

Entirely, absolutely true?

When we believe the terrible story, what happens?

In one of our Eating Peace inquiry sessions, we worked the belief “I can’t bear it.”

This can be about an emotion, that horrible situation we’ve encountered, but also a craving, this body weight, the belief we need to diet or work harder.

When we’re shocked, or even mildly worried, we suffer.

Sleepless, our thoughts buzz all night.

In the situation where I learned of a troubling secret….I felt adrenaline run through me and later, tears.

In a Year of Inquiry a brilliant thought again arose “all the work I’ve done is for nothing!”

Wow. More discouragement. I could find it.

So who would we be without this terrible, shocking story?

Just for a moment, we pause the belief and look, feel, ponder, sit still.

As I imagine that person with the secret revealed, without my story of a future or a past or the I-KNOW mind….

….I gaze with a sort of open wonder. Looking, puzzling.

Fascinated. 

Noticing my own so called “shock” relax. Noticing an inner self or identity dissolve.

The identity that says “it should be different, NOT like this, for me to be happy.”

Is that really true?

No.

World does what it does. People do what they do, the best they can in that moment. Here in the center of this being is silence, space, patience, curiosity.

Curiosity always feels better than “NO!”

“The mind is prior to whatever it perceives. It is pure and lucid and completely open to everything: the apparent ugly just as much as the apparently beautiful, rejection as much as acceptance, disaster as much as success. It knows it’s always safe. It experiences life as an uninterrupted flow. It doesn’t land anywhere, because it doesn’t need to; besides, it sees that landing somewhere would be a limitation. It notices each thought it thinks, but it doesn’t believe any of them. It realizes that there is never any solid ground to stand on. What flows out of its realization is freedom. ‘No place to stand’ is where it stands; there’s where its delight is. When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period.  And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Could it be that this experience is FOR me, not happening TO me, like a victim?
Could I be perfectly safe, despite not knowing what’s next, or where this is all going, or how things will unfold?
What’s the reality?
I don’t know. Not really.
What if not knowing is safer than knowing?
Wow. I notice the feeling is lighter. The dread disappears. The need for plans dissolves. The resignation diminishes.
The moment is spacious, empty, mysterious. 

Turning the terrible horror story, unbearable story, secret story, betrayal story, all-for-nothing story, hurt story around:

My thinking is horrible. 

This situation is NOT horrible. 

This situation is OK, the way of it, even serves me. 

I find examples, whatever I can genuinely find. I don’t guess or make it more positive than I believe it really is, I notice the truth.

I’m breathing, I’ve survived, the sun rose this morning, I slept a few hours, I reached out to friends, inquiry was available to me over and over again and bubbled and popped in the background, I detached, I let an expectation go, I trust.

Are you OK? Have you noticed how you could bear it? How you made it through?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you’d love to sit in inquiry for four days in May, I’m having retreat at my home in Seattle May 13-17, 2020. Come gather with me for Spring Cleaning of the Mind. A relief, a joy, a rest. Read more HERE. Limited to 12.

 

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This shouldn’t be happening No, No, No (+First Friday tomorrow Feb 6th 7:45am PT)

I just got off a group zoom inquiry gathering with the amazing Year of Inquiry inquirers.
We wound up doing what’s called a “popcorn inquiry” (everyone just pops out spontaneous answers) on a very interesting and wide open thought.
A thought that can be very stressful, or mildly stressful.
This shouldn’t be happening.
 
Oh the trouble it can cause.
And oh the joy and relief, and laughter that pours out when we question it.
Everyone got to hold one specific situation they had in mind, so the inquiry can be lovingly contained and the mind can sit with just one interaction.
It had to be a situation, of course, where the thought about it was “this shouldn’t be happening.”
One person received a text they didn’t like from a friend, someone else found out some difficult news not long ago they didn’t like, someone was sick right as we did The Work, someone was upset with their dad in a childhood scene.
Even if the situation happened long ago, we can find ourselves right there in the middle of it and notice the belief “this shouldn’t be happening!”
We know what it’s like believing this thought. Anger, resentment, pictures of the future going badly, not getting our way, disappointment, never feeling good again, sadness, discouragement….terror.
When we think it, we sometimes quickly think we need to do something.
DO SOMETHING! QUICK!
But who would we be without this story?
Wow.
Instead of No, No, No we say Hmmm, interesting.
Curious. Fascinated.
Open.
Even….dare I say it….Yes, Yes, Yes.
We were laughing at the end of the group call together, imagining our day ahead saying “yes, yes, yes” to everything that happens.
We found turnarounds.
I watched the creativity of the minds coming up with some crazy and fun ideas for why this is good that this happens, some genuine examples for why it should be happening (and this never means we have to endure, suffer, or condone what’s happening–I love noticing it did actually stop happening, if it was terrible–which is good to notice).
Feeling the connection of this inquiry, the enlightenment possible in every moment, the power of the group to share our answers and be curious together.
So grateful.
I love this work.
It is for me.
So today, who would YOU be without your story “this shouldn’t be happening”?
If you’d like to experience the power of the group enjoying The Work together, we do it every month on First Friday (almost always, give or take a few exceptions when I’m traveling).
Join me!
Come do The Work from start to finish! 7:45am Pacific Time to 9:15am Pacific Time.
We do record the session as it benefits some to listen.
Beginners to Experienced all are welcome. Please download the zoom software to your device to make it work super smooth.
Join Zoom Meeting
Meeting ID: 988 954 937

Dial by your location
+1 669 900 6833 US (San Jose)
+1 408 638 0968 US (San Jose)
+1 646 876 9923 US (New York)
Much love,
Grace
NEXT WORK WITH GRACE EVENTS:
*Eating Peace Experience Online Immersion Jan 27-April 23, 2020
*Eating Peace Retreat June 26-July 1, 2020 France
*Annual Spring Retreat May 13-17, 2020 Seattle
*Breitenbush Retreat with Tom C & Grace June 2-7, 2020
*Summer Camp for The Mind Virtual Inquiry July 20-Aug 28, 2020
*Year of Inquiry Oct 2020-June 2021
*Autumn Retreat Oct 2020

Grace Bell, Certified Facilitator of The Work of Byron Katie
MA Applied Behavioral Science, Certified Counselor Washington State
www.workwithgrace.com
www.eatingpeaceprocess.com
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Horrible. Wonderful. We really just don’t know. And that’s good news.

This quiet Thanksgiving morning in the US, I’m writing you from Cannon Beach, Oregon where the tide is way out at the moment, and the day is just getting light.
I had a terrible night’s sleep.
I stared out the slightly cracked window blinds for hours seeing the dark inky pitch black color beyond. I checked my phone’s clock at 1:30 am and looked at incoming emails for a moment, then closed my eyes and tried again.
This is so rare for me, so that’s good news (says the mind)….but even one night can be frustrating or somehow sad.
I wanted to have a good, energetic day with my two young adult kids and my husband for the holiday.
Now, that’s not going to happen.
Ah ha.
Did you catch that? I’m anticipating the day already, before it’s even occurred.
In case you find yourself in some mental activity at night when everyone else is sleeping, or awake for no apparent reason….let’s do The Work.
You can do this, actually, on anything you’re labeling as horrible that is happening.
It’s horrible if you don’t sleep.
Is that true?
No.
This is really amazing in itself to find. I don’t feel bad at all right now after sunrise, I’m writing, I’m thinking of going for a nice jog on the beach soon.
It doesn’t really matter in this moment what’s happening this afternoon, later on. If I’m awake staring out the window, I don’t have to label it “horrible”.
What happens when you think lack of sleep (or anything) IS horrible though?
I start analyzing why it’s happening.
Maybe I’m feeling very nostalgic about the death of my children’s father and all the memories here that happened with him in the past (we had our honeymoon here, before the kids existed).
Maybe I’m sad about the brief conflict between son and daughter at the dinner table yesterday–something I don’t see often.
Maybe it’s awareness that I have lots to do, I’ve been traveling a ton, and I’m feeling “behind” on some administrative tasks.
Maybe it was feeling dehydrated physically (I got up and drank two big cups of water during my bout of wide- awakeness in the wee hours).
Or all of the above.
Who knows…..but when I believe being awake is “horrible” or will make things “horrible” later, I’m upset in the very moment in the night.
So who would I be without the belief?
Staring and relaxed, noticing. Fascinated. Noting all these thoughts swirling, and old memories and images that are surprising.
Noticing hopes and expectations for this time away–and dropping them.
Without the thoughts of something being “horrible” I’m aware I’m getting wonderful meditation time. I thought this in the night as I did The Work in my head. I felt the bed, my back against the mattress, the air in the room.
Turning the thought around: My thinking about not sleeping is horrible.
I’m in the future, in an afternoon that doesn’t yet exist. I’m out of the quiet, middle-of-the-night wonder of meditation. I’m not trusting what is at all. I’m making it dramatically “horrible” like it’s a big tragedy, and something’s wrong.
Turning it around again: It’s wonderful if you don’t sleep. 
Can I find anything interesting about not sleeping, even if you can’t exactly find it’s wonderful (yet)?
Yes, I explored feelings in energy and the body. I massaged my forearms. I listened to some of the voices I was hearing in my mind, and reviewed memories quietly, peacefully.
Naps are a thing. I can always do this later if it appears as a sweet option.
I’m good at speaking about my feelings, once I turn inward and contemplate them. I’m very interested, even feel wonderful, about Not Avoiding or Escaping. I found some compassion for myself and all the images from the past and this place.
And it is Wonder-Full to be awake in the wee hours. That’s a big turnaround, right?
I can find it. So quiet, so soft, so empty. Two o’clock in the morning is so still. Monks do this on purpose all over the world for centuries to connect to God, Universe, Reality, Self without needing to complete basic tasks or any activities.
I can feel the wonder of being up. The wonder of noticing a sky going from pitch black, to pale blue, to lighter pale blue and grey.
What a mysterious, fascinating, curious place, this earth and this life–my own body, these eyes seeing, this mind thinking, these other bodies in my presence who are “related” to me and so precious:
Children, husband, the people I’ve never met outside walking over to the beach, the buildings, the white seagull, the hum of the fridge–apparently all of this that came out of nothing into something for reasons unknown.
No sleep required for happiness.
Nothing missing. Nothing.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Thank you.
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Someone else’s work inspires and becomes our own

Oh my, what fun to just begin this week the group program that runs all the way through next summer.

Year of Inquiry has officially kicked off (you can still join).

One of the things I like about it so much, is people bring their stressful situations, and as they begin to do The Work (answering the four questions) I feel the same thoughts unravel inside my own psyche.

I can relate to anyone and everyone who comes to do The Work.

In fact, it goes better when I do, as the apparent “facilitator” I almost always find a situation where I had the same thought as the inquirer.

Our beginning thoughts in our group meetings this past week were three brilliant and common situations:

1) that person is soooo negative (do you know anyone who you think of as deeply negative)?

2) I won’t ever feel like something’s come true that I really desire (have you wanted something desperately, but while it’s true for others, it isn’t for you)?

3) a whole lot rides on a decision I am making, and my decision could make it worse (have you ever felt you could make the wrong decision)?

All three of these scenarios in human life, I can find where I’ve had the same thought and felt the suffering of it.

The memory or picture pops into my mind while the inquirer shares.

In fact, all of us listening get to find where we’ve had the same thought, even though it’s about a person WE know, and an entirely different situation.

Our own.

So as I listened, I could picture a long-forgotten co-worker who I thought of at the time as supremely negative. By the end of the inquiry, I felt such compassion for her and remembered how much I learned from her at the time, and from the conflict I had inside about her.

I then recognized the thought about something not coming true that I wish for: finishing a book I started long ago and even wrote a proposal for, all of which haven’t developed further. I could sit with the idea I need that to happen…is it true?

And oh my, the one about decisions. I used to agonize dreadfully about decisions. I remember putting my children in a school, taking them out and putting them in another, taking them out and homeschooling, and putting them back into the first one. Yikes. I was terrified of making the wrong decision.

Funny how we can have something specifically about our own life up for investigation, while also closely listening and being with someone else who is speaking out loud, answering the questions, dropping into inquiry.

I love it.

My own inquiry on my own is beautiful, but honestly, never the same as with a group.

This sense of connection directly with others has a spark and energy to it that’s adventurous, unexpected.

Who would we be, without our stories?

This week, I got to speak with Helena Montelius about her life in The Work since the year 2000; almost two decades with the four questions. I have the same experience of gratitude, openness and relief just hearing her story.

To listen to the Peace Talk podcast with Helena, click here.

To watch on youtube, join us here:

Much love, Grace

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Something inside that rarely sees the light of day (+ Ten Barriers tomorrow at noon PT)!

In Summer Camp right now, people have been noticing a very powerful (and sometimes extremely stressful thought): I need to do something about myself.

I need to stop feeling x, reacting like y. I need to be better than this.

I’ve had this awareness with fear of other people I don’t know very well, wishing I weren’t so shy or reserved, wishing I hadn’t said something a certain way, wishing I were more willing, natural and not-nervous.

This past weekend, I was at my 40th high school reunion.

How very odd to consider the number 40. Ideas form of how long that is, four decades. And in other perspectives it’s less than the blink of an eye, geologically speaking.

A white board was put up with markers to write names of those who have died.

38 names were written in green that people had added all evening during the event!

A friend came from New York to attend, spending 24 hours in town. Another friend intentionally made her annual visit from Sweden to correspond with the night, so she could be there. Beautiful conversations.

Some faces were completely unfamiliar. Good thing we had name tags.

I felt a lot of joy, noticing how much more comfortable and easy it has become to be human since age 17 and 18–so curious about others, wondering where people live and what they think about or do, what’s unfolded in their lives?

The quarterback of the high school team came in with his bright smile, his wife arm in arm with him. I remember how I was waaaaay too shy to speak to either of them back in school.

What made me nervous long ago (or if I ever am today)?

Thinking thoughts, and believing them.

A rising up of fear almost without words: they won’t like me, I’ll say something stupid, I’m not as good as him or her, they’re more successful, they don’t want to talk to me, I have nothing to offer, they think x about me, I think y about myself…..

Is any of that the truth?

No.

Some of these outcomes are possible….but are they so frightening?

People are scary. 

True?

No.

How do I react, even now, when I get a whiff of that feeling of nervousness about the unknown, meeting someone new, speaking to a group of strangers, wondering who I’ll see at the event, offering an introductory workshop somewhere unknown?

I feel a buzzing within. An alertness.

If I think there’s danger of “failing” I might have images of how it could go.

Badly.

Who would I be without this belief?

Excited. Curious. Ready to be in the moment, honest, real, open-hearted.

Turning the thought around: People are not scary. My thoughts about people are scary! I am scary to people!

Any of these could be just as true, or truer. I notice without a thought about people, their scary-ness, their reaction, their faces, their words….I love them all.

I also love this feeling within, the one who is full of feelings, chaos, wonderings, unknowns about the future…being whatever this is to be a human right now showing up as the one who is apparently named Grace Bell.

Not a green written name on the board, not the one who graduated from highschool 40 years ago, not the one with x problem right now.

Just Here.

“Consider a smile. First think of a deliberate smile, the smile you produce when you think you should–for instance, for a photo. That smile is useful in some ways. It’s designed to be kind to others, like Secretary Appreciation Week. Now think of a smile that happens by itself. This smile can’t be produced on purpose, it can’t be faked, and there is no instruction book for creating it…..Even if it is seldom allowed to see the light of day, you know that this smile is somewhere inside you ready to burst out. It comes from an enjoyable conversation that you have with yourself.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

And I realize, this is my heart’s desire. To watch the world move with this one as a part of it, in every which way, and experience life with no rules, plans, must-haves, control.

Simply to feel life being lived here, without anything required.

What is here besides thinking and self-inquiry about the thinking?

Pure gift. An astonishing story.

Wonder.

TOMORROW August 1st Noon-1:30 pm PT: Join me for Ten Barriers That Derail The Work…and How To Dissolve Them. An immersion into challenging our ideas about The Work not “working” with five exercises, four foundational elements I’ve found help support my work (this life) and all ten barriers. Register here.

When you sign up I’ll make sure you receive information about the final sessions offered of Ten Barriers at the end of August, before Year of Inquiry begins in September. At the end of every Ten Barriers workshop online, I share about the Year of Inquiry outline and what it’s like.

Curious about Year of Inquiry? Jenni shares about her experience in The Work and life unfolding, with laughter:

Much love,

Grace

 

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When you think you can’t but you don’t really believe it, it’s harmless!

October 17-20, 2019. Autumn east coast retreat! Early bird by August 15th. We have a magnificent Amish style lodge a few miles from the pretty town of White Haven, Pennsylvania (I was there a month ago). Private rooms available, along with many beds in lofts and open spaces. Sign up here to reserve your spot and write grace@workwithgrace.com to choose your sleeping space. We’ll share meals.

If you’ve got divorcing/breaking-up stories or divorced/broken-up stories or what-other-people-think-about-my divorce/break-up stories…let’s do The Work eight Sundays Aug 18-Oct 13, 2019 online live course Divorce/Breaking Up Is Hell: Is It True?

Finally, I’ll be offering again the immersion online course (90 mins) Ten Barriers That Keep The Work From Working…And How To Dissolve Them 6 times more this summer! This is a deep dive into common blocks people bump into doing The Work, and then information and answering your questions about Year of Inquiry at the end. Sign up to reserve your space here.

  • Weds, July 24 2019 4:00-5:30 pm PT/7:00-8:30 pm ET/ 8:00-9:30 am Japan
  • Thursday, August 1 Noon-1:30 pm PT/ 3:00-4:30 pm ET/ 8:00-9:30 pm UK
  • Tues, August 20 5:30-7:00 pm PT/ 8:30-10:00 pm ET/ 11:00 Australian Central Time on 8/21
  • Thurs, August 22 9:00-10:30 am PT/ Noon-1:30 pm ET/ 6:00-7:30 pm Europe
  • Tues, August 27 5:30-7:00 pm PT/ 8:30-10:00 pm ET/ 11:00am Australian Central on Weds 8/28
  • Friday, August 30 9:00-10:30 am PT/ Noon-1:30 pm ET/ 6:00-7:30 pm Europe

The other day, I had the privilege of sitting in inquiry yet again with a group (it happened to be Summer Camp For The Mind).

The thought we were all looking at, offered by one of the people attending?

“I can’t do it.”

How many times have I had that thought?

Countless.

I can’t reproduce the joy I felt recently. I can’t make something stick (happiness, a relationship, a job), I can’t stop over-eating. I can’t stop being selfish. I can’t control my temper. I can’t talk to her. I can’t ask for a raise. I can’t ask for help. I can’t bring that difficult topic up to my partner, I can’t ask my child about that. I can’t be normal. I can’t tell a joke. I can’t handle this fear. I can’t make enough money. I can’t help that person. I can’t read all the good books in this one lifetime. I can’t lighten up. I can’t feel freedom and safety at all times. I can’t leave a legacy. I can’t control my feelings. I can’t awaken. 

The thing I notice about pain and suffering that goes along with “I can’t” is that it seems only to arise when I’m comparing my situation to another previous situation in the past, or an imagined situation in the future, or when I’m comparing myself to someone else.

My good friend Lynne who I met at our first School for The Work says “comparison is the thief of joy”. I know that quote makes it rounds out there, but oh my comparison.

What a thief it can be.

And yet, the mind is genius at comparison.

So what am I supposed to do? Forget what happened last week, last year, ten years ago? Not notice the success or brilliance of someone else?

Too late, we notice.

But what we believe about the noticing, identifying what we’ve assumed it means, and my interpretation of the thing I noticed….that’s the key.

It happens so fast.

Once I came into a house through the front door where I was staying, sweating but chilled in my face after slowly jogging through the wintry streets of the city where I was staying one morning.

A woman, sitting in a cozy chair in the living room, looked up from her cup of coffee and said “Oh, you went running? Shoot, I should have been out there” and she sighed as if incredibly disappointed with herself.

Before she saw me, she was happily enjoying coffee with other friends all staying together. In an instant, the moment wasn’t good enough. SHE wasn’t good enough.

I often have people consider this belief “I can’t” who are in the Eating Peace program. You might consider this thought when it comes to any change of your own behavior, like eating, drinking, smoking, spending, obsessing, worrying.

You can’t (fill in the blank)….Is it true?

Let’s do it together.

My situation that I believe “I can’t” around is earning “enough” money.

I know, I know. I’ve done this one a thousand times already. I know I have “enough”. But I can’t earn MORE than enough, OK? It’s just not appearing to be possible. I can’t buy a new car, for example. And mine is rattling down the road and I’m a little embarrassed to give anyone a ride (although not really).

But you find your “I can’t….” that feels stressful, and maybe even terrifying.

Is it absolutely true?

You might answer yes.

It’s OK, keep going.

What happens when you think you can’t?

Wishing I’d go back to the other days when I could, or I wasn’t worried about this. Hoping for a miracle (and thinking a miracle is the only way). Not in the present moment. Flashing images of worse case scenarios.

Freaking myself out.

Without the belief, who would you be?

Without the belief “I can’t….” (for me, earn more than just enough)…

Noticing the beauty in the moment:

The soft chair, the quiet room, the trees waving in the breeze, the sidewalk and storefront with sun trying to peek from behind a cloud, the yellow glass candle holder on the railing.

Without the thought “I can’t” I’m here in inquiry, with other voices, sharing the process. I’m speaking. I’m feeling. There’s a life force here, running. Mixed feelings, and all is still very well, all is in motion.

Everything in motion.

This one being itself, that one being itself, everything being itself.

Turning it around: I can. My thinking can’t.

I can reproduce the joy I felt recently. I can make something stick (happiness, a relationship, a job), I can stop over-eating. I can stop being selfish. I can control my temper. I can talk to her. I can ask for a raise. I can ask for help. I can bring that difficult topic up to my partner, I can ask my child about that. I can be normal. I can tell a joke. I can handle this fear. I can make enough money. I can help that person. I can read all the good books I personally need to read in this one lifetime. I can lighten up. I can feel freedom and safety at all times. I can leave a legacy. I can control my feelings. I can awaken. 

Why not?

Even if it’s in my imagination, the original stressful thought is also imagination.

So let’s have a little fun with imagination, shall we?

“A thought is harmless until we believe it.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Upcoming events:
  • Summer Camp for The Mind Online Inquiry
  • Divorce Is Hell 8 week course Aug 18-October 13, 2019 Sundays 11 am PT/ 7 pm UK with Nadine Ferris France
  • Year of Inquiry begins Sept 8, 2019–a whole year of monthly topics in The Work, and sharing inquiry together
  • always free: First Friday inquiry power hour (90 mins) 7:45am PT
  • Autumn Retreat is east this year in Pennsylvania Oct 17-20
  • Winter Retreat at Breitenbush Tom Compton joining me Dec 5-8, 2019
  • Eating Peace Annual Retreat Jan 15-20, 2020
  • Spring Retreat May 13-17, 2020 Seattle
  • June 9-14, 2020 Breitenbush Retreat Tom Compton joining me

 

 

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I am NOT this body, I AM this body–the dance of inquiry here, now!

Lately, I’ve been doing The Work with many people on this body.

It seems like it’s our personal vehicle, it takes us everywhere, it is a living contained organism that’s only ours, no one else’s, this body.

This body.

We’ll move out of it one day, appearing to leave the world (who knows for sure), perhaps having the chance to say goodbye (maybe or maybe not).

And yet, even with all this individuality and independence and solo journeying through life (and some of us enjoy it that way)….

….there’s nothing like gathering with others and sharing the process, the mystery, the stories, the tick-tock of time passing.

Something so very precious about noticing how very Not Alone we are.

There’s a chair, a wall, a rug on the floor. There’s a tiny spider lowering itself from the ceiling.

In my particular environment at the moment of writing these words, there are two other human beings sleeping behind closed doors in bedrooms, on this early morning.

Last night I gathered with eleven other people for a Full Moon circle. A medicine circle.

An important component or structure of this particular circle (as for many circles), every single time, is each person speaking with a talking stick. There may or may not be a topic. You can speak, or not speak. The one holding the stick has the floor, with no interruptions.

Just like on retreats in gatherings to inquire into our thoughts with others, sharing happens out loud. We come together and listen.

What struck me last night, as it has before, is how we don’t know what others will say…and we don’t even know what WE will say.

There can be planning, organizing thoughts, changing our minds, “deciding” on a topic, or no planning at all.

I believe I am the one sharing. This person I am, this voice, this mouth, this “me” with this body.

But I get surprised every time.

During this time of year, we’re moving into winter where I live. The season is growing dark and colder, all the leaves falling from the trees, the heater in the house whirring, a sweater coming on over the head upon rising out of bed.

At this time, I feel the deep contentment of sharing with others in these inquiry circles that appear to have come together with Year of Inquiry and Eating Peace Process, where we are simply, deeply, regularly moving into exploring What Is over and over again with the four questions.

We’re watching this magnificent mind (or, OK, this torturous mind), and sharing it in writing or out loud. We’re listening.

I notice the mind LOVES asking and answering questions. It likes searching for answers, it likes investigating and learning so much, and making natural shifts or adjustments out of asking whether or not something is really true.

I also notice the mind loves doing this with other people. Otherwise, it can go down worm holes and wild goose chases and side bars and mazes and perhaps get lost there for weeks (years) without a flashlight.

So back to the body inquiries I’ve been privileged to be a part of lately.

We all see how we’re assigned to this particular body, and then at least if you’re like me, I wind up believing “it’s mine” and then….I’m all alone, really.

It can sometimes be quite stressful.

How do I react when I believe I’m all on my own? Self-contained? Unique? Independent? By Myself? Special? The One with This Problem (physically, emotionally, relationally)?

I see myself as vulnerable and isolated. I feel nervous that “my” body is a unique organism or vehicle, especially if it has illness, or pain or something damaged, or by comparison it’s not as good as it once was in history, or not as good as other bodies I see.

I FEEL alone when I believe the thought I’m on my own.

So who would I be without this thought that I’m all on my own, self-contained, unique, independent, by myself, special, the One with this problem?

Relieved. Sharing. Connected to other humans. Putting myself in the company of others on purpose for sharing circles (even if my mind criticizes other people or things that happen there sometimes).

Without this story, I notice the cushions in the rooms so soft and available for support, and the four walls of the room standing strong for apparently many years, long before the body I seem to live in even existed.

Without this story I notice how this mind can open up to so much more than this body–it sees other visions, places, items in the environment. It gives attention to other people. It joins with things.

Turning the thought around: I am NOT all alone. I am surrounded, merged, connected. I get in a vehicle (which puts me in the company of a machine called a car) and drive to a gathering of people with a bright moon overhead in the night sky.

I am not all alone.

On telecalls almost every day, doing The Work, I share with people wondering about their behavior with food and eating, or with their thoughts, or with the people in their lives.

I read peoples’ words as they consider their minds, from their writing online, our questions, our puzzlement. I read their answers to the four questions….so dear. I hear the voices of a whole group on the phone gathered to study this human experience, together. I read other peoples’ comments in the Eating Peace group or the Year of Inquiry group and we’re together.

Turning around the thought again: My thinking is all alone.

Sure. The mind is running, just like my heart is beating. It’s doing its thing.

And the minute I connect with other beings to ponder an idea or a concept, this isn’t even true anymore.

What I notice is how often I have had the thought I’m all alone when the world seems threatening and I’m scared.

I never have been. Only the mind says so.

Otherwise, there’s stuff, mugs, tea, furniture, grass, trees, sky, activity, animals, sounds, humans, leg, arm, computer.

I notice the surprise of what comes out of the mouth when I’m in a sharing circle. So, even the words or this writing is not “mine”!

I have this body, it is “mine”—is it true?

Can I hold this contemplation with the deepest joy of mystery?

What if it’s a good thing that nothing belongs to me….not even this body, not even this mind?

I notice, there’s something very exciting about not being able to identify For Sure that this body, this thought, these words are “mine”….and yet still be here, noticing.

What a thrilling mystery.

“A man who knows that he is neither body
nor mind cannot be selfish, for he has nothing to be selfish for. Or, you may say, he is equally ‘selfish’ on behalf of everybody he meets; everybody’s welfare is his own. The feeling ‘I am the world, the world is myself’ becomes quite natural….

“Wisdom is knowing I am nothing, Love is knowing I am everything, and between the two my life moves.” ~ Nisargadatta in I Am That

Today, I thank you for being here and reading these words.

I love you, being here in whatever way you are.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Your presence matters. How do I know? Because you’re here.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. In two weeks I’ll be at Breitenbush and my husband Jon will be in the retreat group with us all (he loves The Work). The forecast calls for very cold rain. Dark, cold, fresh, exquisite woods with cozy warm cabins, and optional hot springs soaking if you like, and a circle of wonderful investigating human beings all interested in looking at their stressful thinking. Dec. 6-9 (Thurs evening through Sunday lunch). Call to make your reservations 503-854-3320. Only a few spots left.

P.P.S. If you deeply desire to join one of the groups underway, there’s always room for those who want to share with others in inquiry. You could jump on the inquiry train. We’ll welcome you with open arms (in either eating peace or year of inquiry, if you have some experience in The Work). Hit reply to ask.

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Is there any joy possible in this complaint-worthy moment? (+ Breitenbush in a month!)

I am sooooo excited today to learn that the Breitenbush Winter Retreat in The Work of Byron Katie is filling up beautifully. We have plenty of folks registered.

That’s not always the case. Last year the winter retreat got switched from Breitenbush to my house in Seattle with seven people attending.

What?!

But it’s not always an easy time of year to travel, and the resort is deep in the woods of the Oregon Cascades. One has to fly to Portland, then rent a car. It will take us six hours to drive there from Seattle. There’s no cell phone service, nor internet.

Perfect.

My husband Jon will be accompanying me. We made a little introductory video we shared on facebook. Sending it to you now with our joyful invitation to you to join us in this somewhat odd time (is it true?) for retreat, December 6-9.

And, there will be dancing on Saturday night.

See our video share here.

Sometimes, I’m so happy an event with The Work is on the horizon, my hands are clapping.

I forget, there’s also a part of the mind that’s so full of moaning and groaning, wailing and lamenting that says “Do I have to? I don’t wanna! Waaaaaah!”

That voice or resistant part of mind will complain about anything, even doing The Work. Even having such an amazing job as doing The Work.

It loves to complain.

Which happens to be our third month topic in Year of Inquiry: complaining.

I love looking up words, and their etymology.

Com is Latin for bringing together, merging, intensifying, pressing together. It shows up in the beginning of so many words, to emphasize the intensity of whatever follows.

And then “plaint” meant to beat one’s chest. Grieve, moan, bewail.

It’s quite dramatic, and yet we refer to complaints often as things we shouldn’t bother bringing up. Irritants. Unimportant. Unaccepting.

“Stop complaining about the weather!” we might say. As if there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it, so stop. Pull it together and try to enjoy yourself for a change!

At least, this is what I discovered when I realized my complaints were most of all about……complainers.

Yup.

They’re so negative. Why don’t they stop?

I couldn’t see the plank (or is that “plaint”) in my own eye.

So here’s an exercise we all did in Year of Inquiry that you might find very helpful if you find yourself complaining, whether inside your own head or verbally speaking it to others:

What’s wrong with this thing you’re complaining about, for real? What don’t you like about it? What bothers you? What’s the very absolute worst that could happen if it never stops?

Traffic, lateness, time, work, money, weather, procrastination, mess, family, dirty dishes, tone of voice, inefficiency, taxes.

What’s one of your most common, persistent complaints?

The thing I love about The Work, and looking directly at this “problem” we perceive in reality, is instead of brushing it aside and trying to ignore it, we’re treating this complaint with some respect.

We’re turning towards it, to understand this predicament better.

As I looked at my old co-worker (the one I thought was the star complainer) I could see that as she spoke I became worried too. Her complaining was so discouraging.

I was upset about all the things she mentioned: her neighbor, her car, her health, the environment, her upbringing, poverty, this organization we worked for, mean people, liars, eating troubles.

It was like a big balloon within me let all the air out and I felt defeated, and unable to solve any of the terrible problems she shared. Sad, sad, sad. Bringing me down.

Bewailing! Groaning!

Underneath my belief she shouldn’t keep complaining all the time, was another more serious story to question: Reality is tough, life is hard, bad things happen, the world is harsh, people suffer terribly, you have to watch out.

Ah, but can I absolutely know that it’s true?

If I think these fearful thoughts, if I notice I keep saying the same upsetting comment to myself, if I keep feeling bothered by some life activity or a person I encounter….

….then the moment is worthy of inquiry. I want to investigate.

Is it really as bad as I think?

“I discovered that when I believed my thoughts, I suffered, but that when I didn’t believe them, I didn’t suffer, and that this is true for every human being. Freedom is as simple as that. I found that suffering is optional. I found a joy within me that has never disappeared, not for a single moment. That joy is in everyone, always.” ~ Byron Katie

That joy is in everyone, always?

Really? Hmmm.

But let’s see: the moment you’ve been complaining about, you know, that one?

There is no joy anywhere to be found in that moment, anywhere. It doesn’t exist. It’s not possible. No Joy. Ever.

Can you absolutely know that’s true?

Are you sure your perspective is the ONLY perspective in this complaint-worthy moment?

Are there other things in the environment, like a relaxed rug, a comfy chair, a quiet soft sofa? Is there oxygen dancing everywhere? Is there a pillow, a book, a happy mug of hot tea? Is there a desk ready to serve 24/7, a bright computer, a smooth cool notebook?

Are you sure every story is sad in this moment? Or is it just a thought?

Much love,
Grace