What if you became willing, or looked forward to making a major mistake
But I could make a mistake.
I could do it wrong.
I must do it right.
There are many dangers to worry about when it comes to doing it wrong:
hurting someone’s feelings
forgetting something
saying the wrong date
mixing up peoples’ names
revealing a secret
being mean/bad/nasty
eating the wrong food
feeling the wrong feeling
making a bad decision
thinking the wrong thoughts
losing something or someone
causing pain anywhere
All these places where you can cause upset, do it wrong, experience the result as awkward, or horrible, or dangerous.
And it’s my fault.
(And of course, if it could be my fault, then it could be someone else’s fault too).
The other day I was thinking, during a beautiful inquiry session, about my dreams of doing everything right.
Such a simple, yet painful, belief.
So old. From childhood.
The world is full of right and wrong and therefor it’s possible to do it wrong. I must be vigilant about doing it right.
But what if…..this is amazing really…..
…..what if the world, and life, or any situation you could possibly think of, was never wrong?
Who would you be?
I find, it almost shorts-out, like an electric pulse sparking and dying, the vision of what this might be like.
Can you feel it though, in your body?
What if you just felt what it would be like without your belief that a mistake could be made, in any area, ever?
What if you didn’t know anymore what was right or wrong, in any situation?
Who would you be without the belief that something happens, and its bad or good, and it would be someone’s fault (including yours)?
“Start like a child, honey. Just be a child. Go in for the love of truth. I’ve found that it’s the truth that sets us free. The very simple little truths…..You don’t realize what a success is yet or you would love yourself. You would really love yourself! Skip all the hard work. Look for peace from here now, not in the world. And then enjoy the world as it lives you.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story?
I am willing to do it all wrong, to makes mistakes every single day, to never get it right, to completely misunderstand, to blunder through it all, to never achieve perfection.
I look forward to doing it all wrong, to making mistakes every single day, to never getting it right, to completely misunderstanding, to blundering through it all, to never achieving perfection.
Ever. Ever. Ever.
How does that feel?
Oh. Wow.
Laughing.
“If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you must first allow it to be given. This is called the subtle perception of the way things are. The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast.” ~ Tao Te Ching #36
Much Love, Grace
P.S. Eating Peace 3 Day retreat is now filling here in Kenmore, Washington. We look at how right/wrong appears with food, eating and body….and imagine who we would be without these thoughts.
Are you thinking you’ll never un-do all your stressful thoughts? Don’t worry, that’s just a thought, too.
Sometimes, when people have been doing self-inquiry a little while, oh OK let’s be honest….a long while….they get a little discouraged about the persistence of thought.
I’ll never stop thinking.
How could I ever silence all the thoughts that constantly generate in this mind?
I’ll be on my death bed questioning my beliefs
I haven’t changed enough by now
it’s never-ending
I quit
Have you noticed how brilliant these ideas are…..for continuing to feel that your situation with thinking is a serious condition?
How do you react when you believe you have to get rid of your thoughts, or that they SHOULD end, or that they’re serious, or that thinking is ruining your life?
I notice one major way people react to this is they feel angry.
With themselves.
Ow.
It must be me and my horrible ego, my powerful brain, my bad thought habits.
I’m anxious, afraid, too many terrible things happened to me. I’m too obsessive.
I’m too addicted to thought. I love stories. I’m terrible. I’m doing it wrong.
I’ll never become enlightened.
(Curtains. Everybody sits in shocked and despairing silence at the terrible end of this movie.)
Well, OK, maybe it’s a little melodramatic, but you know you’ve gone there at some moments, right?
But who would you actually be without your stressful beliefs about thoughts themselves?
Who would you be without your rage, or your angst, or your war against your own mind?
Wow.
Not fight my own mind?
“Don’t worry about undoing all of your beliefs. Just investigate the belief that’s causing you stress now. There is never more than one. Undo that one.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
I mean, I notice there’s a lot going on around here besides my thoughts.
There’s a being here, it seems, looking around, feeling the pulse of being alive, hearing sounds. All in this collective soup of brilliance and wild wonderful activity.
How does all this even happen? I’m just here, a part of it.
I’ll always stop thinking.
How could I ever keep alive (and loud) all the thoughts that constantly generate in this mind? (I couldn’t if I tried)
I will NOT be on my death bed questioning my beliefs (or, I will be–YAHOO that’ll be fun!)
I have changed just right by now, and, it’s not really up to me anyway
it’s always-ending
“I” doesn’t ever quit. Ha ha!
I love all these turnarounds and how sweetly they appear just as true, or truer.
Can I notice that I always stop thinking about something stressful, and how gaps appear between thoughts, and thoughts move from here to there, reappearing and disappearing over again, and I forgot what I was thinking anyway, over and over.
“And what is aware of all this movement? That which never moves. That which you truly are. In the midst of all the movement of life, total stillness.” ~ Jeff Foster
It’s OK to think. OK to question. OK to wonder.
There’s so much unknown, so much to wonder about, right?
It gives the mind a fabulous job to question thoughts, examine, investigate, study, watch, observe, slow down, lighten up.
What do you notice right now, in your present moment?
See…..you know what it’s like to not have a story already.
If you experience “no” and it hurts….inquiry can teach you what it’s for
Last week Peace Talk entered the sound waves again. Plus yesterday Episode 92. If you haven’t listened yet, check these two episodes out and let me know your thoughts.
The topic of Peace Talk yesterday was something filled with devastating suffering for many, depending on the situation:
Hearing NO from someone or something.
No, I don’t want to take your class (that was my situation)
No, I don’t want to be married to you (um, also my situation)
No, I can’t come to your party (yep, I’ve had that situation)
No, I won’t be showing up to the event (again, I’ve been there)
No, we’re not hiring you (hmmm, I think there’s a pattern)
No, you can’t have that (yes, starting age 2)
No, I’m not talking with you (rats, this has happened too)
No, I don’t want what you’re offering (also since childhood)
No, we aren’t friends anymore (ouch, yes it’s happened)
Dang.
Why’d you have to bring this up?
How ’bout let’s watch youtube videos this morning instead. Do we really have to look at this today?
Aren’t you over that whole I-don’t-like-no thing by now?
But diving into this topic, while initially very difficult depending on what you’re believing is lost to you, can be powerful beyond words.
What is your relationship to this NO?
Why don’t you like it?
What I find it boils down to is one basic very painful belief set:
I am not liked, not loved, unappreciated, unworthy, and wrong.
Whew.
How do you react when you believe this deep, gut-wrenching thought when you hear a “no” from somewhere in your life?
Some people feel awful and withdraw, run away very wounded.
Some people begin quickly to find fault with the person saying “no” and make a list of their defects.
Maybe you even attack the no-sayer.
He’s got it all wrong. How could he be making this mistake? He’s so dumb. She’s so ignorant. They’re wrong.
Maybe you try to bend over backwards adjusting yourself so you get a “yes” instead and the person changes their mind. Maybe you twist yourself into a pretzel with stress and anxiety, thinking about how hopeless this is, how you wish you did it differently in the past.
Some people wish they were dead after they hear “no”.
Some people feel this way when relationships end, with family or life partners.
It feels so devastating when you believe that it’s true that hearing a “no” means something is wrong with you (or them).
Who would you be without the belief that NO is wrong, or worse, than YES?
Almost hard to fathom, right?
It’s so ingrained that yes, yes, yes is soooooo much better than no, no, no.
But what would it be like if you really didn’t know this?
Let’s say you get a twinge of thirst.
Some time goes by, and you’re more and more thirsty.
You’re not near a place where there’s running water easily accessible. You ask someone walking by if they have water.
No.
You go into the nearest shop and ask if they have water.
No.
You ask where the nearest grocery store is, or water fountain.
It’s pretty far away. You don’t have a car.
This is not looking good.
At this point, some people might feel so disappointed they begin to say things like “I am such an idiot, I should have brought a water bottle, what was I thinking?” (I thought this myself on a hike once in the mountains).
“I am so stupid, I should have been kinder to my partner, or clearer to that student, or more fun to that friend, or more curious and patient with that acquaintance.”
Who would you be, though, if you did not see this “no” situation as a major problem?
You wouldn’t give up asking or looking, and you wouldn’t freak out or hate yourself for needing something, either.
I notice disappointment.
It feels sweet and touching, like something inside me cares very much and it’s OK.
But not pushing and aggressive.
I might say “can I ask why your answer is no?” and I listen carefully, with great curiosity and fascination.
I trust the movement of the universe, the way of it.
Who knows what good, interesting, kind and brilliant thing comes from this “no” and the awareness of Not This?
Turning the thought around:
NO is better than YES (in my situation).
How could this be true?
Can you find examples?
There are fewer people to attend to now in this course, an easier number to learn about, work with, remember and meet with one-on-one.
Everyone has the immense freedom to come and go as they please, to find their yes or no….and this means me, too
I have more free time, quiet time, unscheduled time
I get to know myself even better and question the thoughts that there is something wrong with me—I notice there isn’t
I become delighted in my own company
I notice what is beautiful, precious, loving, wonderful right here in this room, without a “yes”
What if your NO is the Universe and Life NOT giving you enlightenment?
I need a YES from life or God or the Universe or Source (whatever you wish to call it that feels mysterious and beyond the little you)…..
…..is that true?
Are you sure you don’t already have a yes?
Look around
One who does what the Friend wants done will never need a friend.
There’s a bankruptcy that’s pure gain.
The moon stays bright when it doesn’t avoid the night.
A rose’s rarest essence lives in the thorn.
~ Rumi
What if this “no” is actually your Friend?
If you think it isn’t, are you sure
What is ultimately the great threat to you in this “no”
Breathe deep the essence of “no”, the brightness of “no”
Keep inquiring.
The great question, when it comes to feeling crushed by hearing the answer “no”….
On my walk during retreat lunch break–silence, brilliance, joy. Kissing the feet of the master
I just spent three days in The Work.
Gathering with a group, writing down thoughts, asking people the four questions one by one, answering the questions internally, listening, watching minds scamper around, connecting with others in deep honesty, questioning again, sharing very authentically, dropping in deeper.
This was retreat.
The past three days were so sweet, like eating the most delicious food in the entire world.
I looked around the room gathered with 15 people and thought of them all as the most unique, fascinating, adorable, courageous, willing people.
Many of them part of a Year of Inquiry. A handful simply coming to do The Work, to learn it, to apply it and “do” it for the very first time. Everyone is welcome on the two retreats I do per year (the next one is May 13-15 by the way).
A feeling of great joy filled my body and heart for the entire retreat, the intention, purpose and sincere beauty seen in questioning the mind.
Warm, thrilled, touched, connected.
Looking at a circle of people, for me, was not always this way.
At one time, if I was one member in a circle of 15, including myself, I would have been sizing up everyone as fast as you can say Jackie Robinson.
If I was the facilitator (by some some weird fluke)…..oh boy.
Kill me now. My heart would have been beating fast, I would have had adrenaline. I would have wondered how I got to be leader, was there some mistake?
I would have been judging who I needed to be careful of, who was mentally off, who was needy, who was a blabber mouth, who needed psychological counseling, who to avoid.
My mind would have been the #1 sound, running the show with great precision and speed.
So proud of itself at the helm. So shiny and strong and genius.
And well….ok…..
…..I still think of the mind as an astonishing genius. It still comes up with ideas that are so crazed and insane and loving and hilarious they’re ah-mazing.
But I get the idea now, the truly tear-filled idea, that I do not have to believe everything I think.
Wow.
Who would all of us be without our very sad, or very traumatic, or very tragic, desperate, or empty stories about our lives?
This isn’t something that comes in the snap of two fingers.
For three days, with beautiful meal breaks and bathroom breaks and silent walks and nights to ourselves sleeping, most of us looked at one situation that brought deep disturbance to our peace.
A daughter who lied.
A wife who might embarrass her husband.
A sister who died young.
Husbands who didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t treat his wife fairly.
A body that gained weight.
Supervisors at work who criticized.
A mother who was mentally ill.
A mother who never succeeded and wasted her life.
These seem like small slices of the whole big pie of life, right?
Sometimes, one situation seems like such minutiae.
That one five-minute moment where I felt suffering.
Could I really find freedom if I question that one thing, that one situation, that one interval out of my whole existence?
Yes.
Yes.
Try it.
Answer the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet about only one tiny (or very big) interaction with a person in your life who disappointed you, angered you, or made you truly sad.
Not yourself.
It’ll come back to you anyway.
Just trust the process and watch your judgments towards another person.
Give the judgments a voice instead of ramming them underground or deciding you need a lobotomy or hating yourself or doing positive affirmations.
Don’t be such a meanie to your own mind and your own thoughts.
Let them all be there.
Have you tried to CHANGE your thoughts, with aggression? Have you said things like “I’m such a sh*$ I really need to get this together” or “if only I could stop thinking this thought” or “what the hell is wrong with me”?
Well, now you can try another way.
I notice the self-condemnation doesn’t work. It would have worked by now, if it was going to work, I notice.
How about you?
Instead……
……Halleluia, you’re thinking a stressful thought!! You hate someone, you’re really annoyed, they’re driving you bonkers, you can’t stand it, you lost someone!
Let this passion live and come out on to the paper.
This past three days I saw what happens when people explore a situation they experienced as suffering, with The Work. This is what happens when they don’t tell themselves they better stop thinking….or else….
….I call it Love.
At least, it feels like love to me.
“No one knows how to let go, but anyone can learn exactly how to question a stressful thought….After that questioning, you can’t ever be the same. You may end up doing something or doing nothing, but however life unfolds, you’ll be coming from a place of greater confidence and peace.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (married to Byron Katie) in 1000 Names For Joy Introduction
Even if YOU do not see exactly how you are changing, or you throw another log on the fire of hating-what-is and you say something like “I can’t do this questioning thing” or “it doesn’t work for me.”
Your path is very exquisite and unique.
Questioning your situations must become your own.
And it can, and must, become your own inquiry.
Your life is all about being with you and who you are, is it not?
I saw people give themselves this incredible opportunity these past three days to study themselves very closely.
It was soooooo inspiring.
Find YOUR way into self-inquiry. You might wonder if your stressful beliefs are true, and wonder if you’re worthy, or desirable, or important, or loved.
You are.
At least, that’s what I keep seeing as I connect with people in The Work.
People I’m so in love with.
This is one of the things that has happened over time, with the capacity to inquire: I love the people I sit with in a circle.
It is no longer alarming, or something to worry about.
Even if I get a little excited and have damp underarms the first day, and notice my body feels a little electric and on and awake….
….it no longer feels frightening.
Holy Holy Moly that is FANTASTIC for someone with all those pounding judgments in the past, and so much hesitation and caution.
I LOVE EVERYONE.
Then I turn this thought around and realize….
….I’m so in love with me, too.
“Gratitude, you could say, is what remains of the experience of humility. That’s my favorite position. It’s a sense of kissing the ground, licking the ground for its pure deliciousness, kissing the feet of the master that is everything without exception. There is such a sense of thankfulness for no longer being the person who thinks she knows and who has to live life out of that limited, claustrophobic mind.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Much Love,
Grace
P.S. Starting a special inquiry circle in Seattle second Sunday of every month from November 8 until June 12 (time TBD). Eight sessions. For those of you who love in-person rather than phone and want to keep inquiry alive so you can practice falling in to love and out of the limited, claustrophobic mind.
One of my absolute favorite agonizing beliefs to do The Work on have been stressful beliefs about being liked.
Especially when someone actually DOESN’T like you.
Ooooh, isn’t that just the juiciest thing?
Yowser, it can hurt if you believe someone should like you, care about you, appreciate you, love you….
….and this person appears to dislike you, disown you, cut you off, and hate you.
Ha ha.
A little argument with reality going on here.
But let’s look.
I’ve shared it before (and I’ll probably share it again).
I had a friend.
Notice the key word “had”.
She learned something about me one day, a partial piece of information that was actually said in jest as a joke in a written article, and she believed it was true.
It’s one of my favorite situations and relationships for The Work because I felt so innocent. I felt like I really didn’t do anything wrong, and it was such a big fat misunderstanding.
But she stewed, analyzed, struggled within, and then reported me to the state as a counselor who has sessions with people naked.
Yep, it was that insane.
(I have to chuckle because I am so modest and shy, through my historical conditioning, that I wouldn’t be caught dead in front of anyone outside of a locker room or bedroom).
The fascinating thing is this friend adored me, and I adored her as well. I found our conversations joyful, fascinating, and soooooo in depth.
We were very close and our intellects were thrilled to trade ideas back and forth.
Of course, since I was someone who expected to be liked, who planned and tried hard and worked to be appreciated…..
…..I had no idea of her thought process and didn’t realize for months and months that she was so concerned.
Except I got the hint when she never returned my calls, didn’t respond to emails.
I was thinking….”did I do something wrong, did I say something rude….what??”
This is a really fascinating thing the mind does, that thinks “I” am the important thing here.
It’s all about me.
I must have done something wrong. She should keep liking me.
I could have prevented this dangerous event (betrayal, withdrawal, cut off, anger) from happening.
I had to do The Work a lot on that friendship ending, against my will (ha ha) and because of a ridiculous assumption.
But who would I really, really be without the belief that she should like me, and hang out with me, and see me as brilliant and “right” instead of wrong?
And what is this idea all about anyway…..where it feels safer and more comfortable if people appreciate me, rather than find me threatening?
What is going on there?
There’s this kind of core, deep, yet unnecessary sense physiologically that I’ll die, or be killed, if she doesn’t care about me.
I’m in danger. I’m unimportant. I’m worthy of being betrayed, or dissed, or pushed away. That’s what this means.
Boy, I love the way this assumption and attempt to gain control of the situation grabs for responsibility.
If it’s my fault, I can do something about it.
Trouble is….it’s not really my fault.
There’s a whole host of things happening when someone decides someone else is a piece of dung.
Everyone has their glasses on from their past conditioning, and what they believe, and what they think will be safe, and what they feel they need.
I had to ask myself, many times in that painful work…..
…..who would I be without the belief that I need to be liked and accepted?
By her? By anyone?
“If I had only one prayer it would be this: God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.” ~ Byron Katie
Without the belief that I need to be liked, by anyone, I notice where I’m sitting.
I notice this present, gorgeous moment. A white leather couch. A lamp with newly changed lightbulbs (miraculous, the bulbs), a glass of water, a pink hoody lying near me, a bare arm, snippets in the mind of a wonderful conversation earlier today with my dear friend and teacher Ross, the still air in the room, the dark green trees through the windows.
Without the belief that anyone, ever, needs to like ME (me-me-me-me-me-all-about-me) I’m so free, I almost burst out laughing in this moment.
What are you doing or seeing or feeling in your present moment, even though someone in the world doesn’t appreciate, or like you?
Is it incredible?
If it’s not “incredible” can you just take in what is in your environment, and look around, without feeling the belief that anyone needs to appreciate you personally?
If you stare at the place you’re in…..is it not bizarre, and exciting, and rather fascinating?
Turning the thought around: I must have done something right. She should NOT keep liking me. I should keep liking myself. I should keep liking HER.
How could this be as true, or truer?
OMG.
I should keep liking myself, I should keep liking her.
Wow, instead of automatically thinking I must have done something wrong, instead of thinking I screwed up, instead of thinking I’m missing something, instead of thinking she’s awful, instead of thinking she’s a mean messed up incorrect childish person….
….I can find these things are all as true or truer.
I can simply wait.
Be here now for this moment.
“Where do you find the wisdom inside of you, when you’re free, or when you’re worried? Inquiry bring us to that birthright. A free mind. This can feel like going to the dentist at first, but when you’re in peace that’s all you can see–peace. If I’m rattled about something, on the other side of that the most amazing clarity comes….I don’t call this The Work for nothing.” ~ Byron Katie
Do your inquiry. Give yourself this gift.
Who would you be without your belief that anyone should like you?
Many years ago as a young adult I was in an awkward position between two friends.
In Year of Inquiry today, I suddenly was reminded of this situation.
It’s funny how that happens when other people are doing The Work and bam….
….the same situation appears like a vision, to be questioned and understood and resolved in your own past life.
So back then, one close girlfriend of mine told me that a guy we both knew, who I had been friends with since childhood, was a jerk.
I knew both of them pretty dang well. (I still know them both).
They didn’t know each other well at all.
The friend of mine since grade school was, according to my girlfriend, not leaving her alone. He wanted to date her. He was calling, stopping by her job, seeking her out to sit near her when we were all together at the same weekly event.
In a heated moment, she told him to quit and that he should chill out.
He got very hurt.
Great, I thought.
Two friends of mine hate each other. What a drag.
I’d prefer to be left out, and not to have known this information at all.
That was my reaction.
I felt anxious and conflicted. I wanted them to get along. Bummer.
Here were some of my thoughts:
he should stop acting so needy and grabby
she should stop acting to controlling, bossy, and judgmental
he should be more sensitive to women
she should be more sensitive to men
because of their stupid reactivity, now I have to deal with maneuvering around their crap so they don’t get more triggered
I can’t invite them both to the same event anymore
Bummer
It all came crashing back in an instant.
I didn’t even spend THAT much time with either one of these people, and yet a storm of thoughts hit the fan.
They should NOT have conflict.
Now, I can do The Work since I know how to question stressful thinking, and see what’s up for ME in this situation.
Have you ever had two people fighting, arguing, like vinegar and oil?
Maybe two employees, two people you know who are dating or getting divorced, your mom and dad, your kids.
They should deal with the conflict much better….they shouldn’t fight.
Is it true?
Yes. What a pain in the ass.
What good does this do for anyone?
But can I absolutely know that they shouldn’t have conflict, or that this is a problem?
Well, no. I have no idea what this thing is between them.
It’s also their business.
People do have conflict in the world, I notice. They get all upset. They react. I react to them reacting, when I believe reaction shouldn’t happen.
How do I react when I believe two people I care about shouldn’t have conflict?
The blast of judgments is intense in my mind.
Rather intriguing really. What do I care? I enjoy when people love each other but it’s a little weird to be so opposed to them not loving each other.
How do I treat them when I believe they shouldn’t have conflict? Or they should get along?
Frustration.
I actually start to rip both of them apart in my own mind. So now there is not only those two having their thing against each other, but I’m angry and finding major fault with them both.
I say things like “she’s always been like this” or “he’s such a dunce, he should have been more cool.”
I figure out what they both should be doing, and notice what they both are doing wrong.
So who would I be without this belief that those two people over there should get along, and it appears they aren’t?
What if I just got here from another planet and I had no idea what “getting along” was supposed to look like, and no belief that people should like each other, who don’t?
Wow, this is a very old thought. How strange to be without it.
You mean we can just let everyone hate each other when they do? I mean, shouldn’t we try to like everyone, help everyone get along, make peace, be as joyful as a spring daisy poking through a field of snow?
I realize, I’m believing it’s soooooo terrible to not get along, I hardly allow conflict to occur in my presence without dashing away like a bolt of lightening.
I realize, I don’t even let myself dislike people, when I do. And I certainly don’t let my friends dislike each other, or they become NOT my friends.
Who would I be without all these thoughts that people MUST GET ALONG?
Relaxed, even in the presence of conflict. Open. Willing to be present when things are a little toppled over between others.
Not adding to the pile of conflict.
Without the belief that people should be close, or friends, or loving….
….when they aren’t….
….I stay present rather than running away, or feeling enraged.
I’m not afraid of this conflict.
In fact, I even feel more confident. Here to serve, if it’s called for, and here to listen or be quiet, if it’s called for.
Turning the thoughts around: they SHOULD have conflict.
Well, they do. That’s the reality of it.
I shouldn’t have conflict with their conflict. I shouldn’t have conflict with conflict, even within myself.
Yes, this is true.
I should stop acting so needy and grabby for reality to be different (especially when it comes to others in conflict)
I should stop acting so controlling, bossy, and judgmental when it comes to these two friends (or to myself)
I should be more sensitive to him, to myself, to her, to women
because of my stupid reactivity, I have to deal with maneuvering around their crap so I don’t get more triggered
I can invite them both over at the same time
Good news
Wow, good news you say? Really?
How could it be a good thing these people rub each other the wrong way, for my own growth and enlightenment
It shows me what is not necessary for peace.
Peace can even happen right in the middle of war.
Amazing, but I can see how that’s true.
“When the will to power is in charge, the higher the ideals, the lower the results. Try to make people happy, and you lay the groundwork for misery. Try to make people moral, and you lay the groundwork for vice….Thus the Master is content to serve as an example and not to impose her will. She is pointed, but doesn’t pierce….”
When you’re afraid, and you believe it’s all true, you may try to escape
Eating Peace in-person 3 Day Immersion Retreat is coming October 9-11 in north Seattle or November 13-15 in Newark area outside San Francisco. (And I’ll teach it a third time Jan 22-24 here in Seattle again). Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs.
This Grace Note isn’t just for people with eating issues….
….it’s for those of us who do weird things that don’t make sense, that seem out of integrity to our truest nature.
Things that hurt, or hinder, or damage, or diminish something in our experience.
After many years of eating wars and studying how to stop the insanity I experienced….
….and then working with clients one on one for over a decade….
….I discovered some very common themes and deep-seated fears people experience who don’t know how to eat in peace.
Many of these things are true for people who eat without trouble, but do OTHER things without peace.
I started with myself, of course.
When it comes to the way I ate, I remember it well.
It was a *horrible* way to live.
Overeating, binge-eating, emotional eating, over-exercising, getting up at 5 am, avoiding meals with friends and family, pushing, pushing, pushing…..
…..ugh, what a nut-case.
What a painful life.
I didn’t know how to solve my problem of war-like activity. Constantly, my solution was to find a special or perfect way to do different activity. A different diet, a different exercise routine.
What I didn’t know was that the way I ate was not really my problem.
It was a symptom (you’ve all heard this before, I know).
My actual problem was war-like hateful thinking and feeling.
But I couldn’t see it at the time. I always thought something was wrong with me.
Thank goodness for the teachers, helpers, and healers I encountered along the way.
And thank goodness for my extreme, horrendous, life-threatening behavior…..because it made me HAVE to look, instead of avoid looking year after year.
Eating is NOT the only way war manifests in peoples’ lives.
Which is why I’m talking about it in Grace Notes (rather than only on Eating Peace news or videos, and if you want to see Eating Peace videos, just update your subscription at the very end fine print).
But you may have noticed, people have so many other very agonizing activities they engage in regularly that they don’t really want to be doing…..definitely not just food and eating.
So let’s take a look at how to work with difficult feelings (that lead to such difficult behaviors).
My thoughts and feelings in the past were violent.
When you believe violent thoughts about yourself, about your past, about other people…..you’re scared.
You feel powerless. You feel angry. You feel hateful.
Sometimes you feel like you wish you were dead.
Sometimes you ream on other people and categorize others as evil and dangerous (you’re violent in your mind towards them).
Even if you NEVER have taken a bite of food in your life that was emotional rather than based on physical need…..
…..you probably have done something in your life that you really wish you hadn’t, later.
You may have experienced the feeling of self-criticism, sadness, discouragement, depression or shame.
Have you ever noticed that even when you know a ton of stuff about some topic it doesn’t matter sometimes how much you know?
You study about diet, or money, physical fitness, communication, relationships, business, health, success….
….but nothing really changes.
You still tank on the action becoming different.
You still yell at your kid, you’re still late, you still get super anxious, you still drink too much, you still spend a huge chunk of money outside of your budget, you still surf the internet for an extra two hours, you still worry, you still cheat on taxes, you’re out of integrity.
In Eating Peace we dive into the process of exploring how it happens that even with all the knowledge in the world about nutrition, diet, glucose levels, good-feeling foods, foods for your body type, cave-man diet, or mindful eating, or a getting a degree in medicine…..
…..you still eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat the foods you know don’t work well with your body.
I’m sharing this with you all (not just people interested in Eating Peace) because looking at stressful behaviors when you think you know better is seriously interesting.
And seriously disturbing and discouraging.
Doing something you’ve vowed not to do is also fairly common.
Why do I eat when I already know it ends in physical pain and I’m clearly not hungry?
Why do I spend money when I already decided I’m trying to save for that special thing and I want to do?
Why do I rip that woman to shreds in my head and decide to fire her without explanation?
Why do I fantasize regularly about my old boyfriend?
Why do I get all freaked out about the next steps in my career that are pretty obvious?
Why do I never sit down and finish that book proposal?
Why do I race from spiritual teacher to spiritual teacher and fifty retreats a year trying to find enlightenment?
When is enough, enough?
Why is it NEVER enough? (And like I said, this is not about only food and eating).
Well….heck…..
…..if I may be so bold to say: fear.
I think something, I am frightened, I believe it is true, I react.
There is no other possibility when I think what I believe is the truth.
But what if there was another way?
Another option?
“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind–you are the one who hears it.” ~ Michael Singer
Answer this question. Use your imagination for good (not to terrify yourself).
Who would you be without believing your fearful thoughts?
Who would you be if you captured what you were thinking before you overate, or bought something you don’t even really care about, or broke up with your partner, or got together with your old boyfriend, or drank wine, or smoked a cigarette, or started worrying?
Who would you be without your thoughts about life, other people, success, God, you, money, other people….or other people?
(Notice how I have other people in there a few times? I did that on purpose).
Get yourself in a place where you can take the time to question what you think.
It helps to get facilitated. It helps to have a mentor, or a guide, or a teacher.
Who would you actually be, what would you DO, how would you behave, if you knew you could somehow be with fear without DOING something about it (like eat) or believing it to be 100% true?
Question your thinking, change your life.
That’s not a small thing.
It’s huge.
If you notice you have difficult thoughts about food (and you don’t have to have an eating disorder, or be overweight, or obsess about diets all the time) then come to Eating Peace.
Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs. Yes, that isn’t a typo. We stick together and stay engaged for many hours each day for a Friday, Saturday and Sunday.
Even if we *think* it’s a big fat bummer and we need alone time and we have to go eat something ASAP or die.
You get to see if it’s really true.
Join me in this work I love.
Whether Eating Peace or another retreat–they’re all about the mind and feelings.
Question your thinking, and watch how you act and behave in the world simply change.
Without the violence of trying.
Much Love,
Grace
P.S. One person cancelled yesterday, and one person signed up, so there’s ONE spot open in the 3 day weekend for ANYONE starting this Friday in simple Self-Inquiry and The Work of Byron Katie. Dive into what scares, angers or saddens you the most about your life….and find freedom. Reply to this email if you want to join us in Seattle.
Don’t go to far into the darkness. You don’t have to do The Work alone!
Last spot available for 3 days in The Work in Seattle starting Friday. We meet in a beautiful private home in Magnolia.
Bring your painful thoughts about your life, the places you get stuck….and leave with lightness and freedom.
Who would you really be, using your brilliant imagination, without your stressful beliefs?
The power of the group can be transformative, and really help you “get” The Work.
(Hit reply if you’re interested, and want to register).
Speaking of groups.
There’s nothing like a full set of ears, eyes, and feelings in the form of a group of people to help you get into your honest personal work.
This happens in any modality.
Where multiple people, or even one other person, are gathered….
….there are more minds involved than only yours.
One mind, questioning itself, can be a bit tricky.
The other people present help you keep steady in your work, not run away mentally or emotionally. No one has to give you advice or tell you what to do, they are simply present to you finding your own answers.
At the monthly meetup last weekend, as always, I loved the contributions, feedback, and sharing from other people even if they weren’t on the hot-seat doing The Work on an important situation.
I’m clapping my hands right now thinking about how awesome it will be to do The Work with a much larger number, and for three whole days, as people assemble to dive into inquiry this coming weekend (including Friday). The majority of the group will be people in Year of Inquiry, but it’s open and accessible to anyone else desiring this kind of freedom from stressful thinking.
The feeling is phenomenal, and so supportive.
Whenever I’ve been stuck in my own work, there’s nothing like feedback from someone else.
Why?
Because to get out of your own very seductive story, even when it hurts, is really, really difficult.
It’s like a locomotive going 120 mph down a one-way track!
You start being blind to what’s really true for you. Things get murky, foggy, distorted, hazy.
You’re activated. You’re triggered. You believe you’re in danger, or being criticized, or something’s wrong.
You try to fix it…..QUICK!!
But if you stop and put yourself in a group of people, or even get one other person to be with you as you consider your thinking…..
…..an incredible thing happens.
You stop freaking out.
If someone asks you…..“Wait, now, are you SURE that’s true?” you get to stop a moment, to pause.
In this pause, you may grasp some awareness and clarity, or sanity, just for a second.
“Imagine that while you’re lost in the disturbed energy you actually do one or more of the things that your mind is telling you to do. Imagine what would happen if you actually quit your job, or if you decide, ‘I’ve held this in long enough. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.’ You have no idea how big a step down that is. It’s one thing if the disturbance is going on inside of you. But the moment you allow it to express itself, the moment you let that energy move your body, you have descended to another level.” ~ Michael Singer
If someone asks you the next question….”How are you reacting with the thought?” you begin to watch yourself.
You get some breathing room.
If you’re stumped when it comes to the fourth question “Who would you be without your thought?” people can possibly help you.
They can remember who they are without the belief, since they aren’t triggered in that moment.
Connect with others doing The Work.
Hand someone the Four Questions and say to them “ask me these questions, please, and just sit here listening to my answers without saying a thing.”
Anyone can do this work and stop believing what their minds are saying.
What a relief.
Go find a partner, invite people over, go to a group, take a class, join a retreat….get with someone else and do your work together.
If your image of ME took a break….do you notice how open you are?
You know that difficult, traumatic, sad or irritating situation? The one that feels so hard when you think about it?
What would make it perfect, instead?
This seems like a normal question, maybe pretty familiar to you, when processing an interaction or situation that seems less than ideal.
Something’s not working. Got it.
The mind will start offering ideas, suggestions and plans for a better, improved situation.
We all do it.
Well….if this situation is “x” (not good enough) then how can I change it?
Nothing wrong with pure, genius problem-solving.
Someone breaks their leg, we call 9-1-1. Someone loses their job, they put their resume together ASAP and start filling out job applications and networking. Someone learns they have an illness, they change their diet or get treatment.
Very natural.
But the mind sometimes then goes into high-rev fix-it mode, without remembering to question if something really needs fixing.
Or if it was actually possible to fix. At all.
We might save a lot of time by giving up, relaxing, pausing or waiting without moving into Solution Now mode.
How?
Well, it may not be what you think.
With The Work one of the best ways is to go MORE deeply into the brainstorm about how a difficult situation could be improved. Get more thorough about it.
Really contemplate and see WHAT WOULD MAKE IT PERFECT?
Instead of crap. Instead of the way I’m seeing it.
This is Question 2 on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
How do you really, really, really want this situation to change? What do you want that annoying person to do, or say, or think, or feel?
What would make it PERFECT for you, instead of awful, imperfect, frightening, or sad?
Spending more time on this question can make things surprisingly efficient.
So let’s take a look at an example.
Yesterday, I had a meetup at my home for The Work.
I always love the group who assemble. They are fun, interesting, fascinating people, every single time.
There’s usually at least one new person, often more.
Everyone writes a worksheet on a difficult situation, something they’re dealing with they don’t like.
Two people who came had very critical thoughts about someone they knew really, really well.
Themselves.
So, without advising the usual (to NOT judge yourself) they went for it, judging themselves, watching their own disapproval of the way they behaved.
I should be relaxed. I should be grateful. I should be willing to change, or leave, or walk away. I should be more disciplined. I should be more comfortable being alone. I should be less controlling.
Whatever it is….how would you change the situation if you made it perfect?
For me….I notice I have an idea of the ideal, amazing, brilliant, astonishing version of me.
Not this shy, boring, mediocre version of me. Not this never-wealthy, unsuccessful, low-impact, dull, un-funny, un-enlightened version of me.
This perfect version of me is exciting, smart, quick, successful, grateful, thrilled, peaceful, loving, sensual, and beautiful in that situation when I was anything but that.
When you see what you think “perfect” looks like, you can take it to inquiry.
Stay with that question today.
It helps you identify your thoughts, your plans for yourself, your expectations.
I get to see my thoughts about what a good person looks like, what the right thing is, what a person does or thinks or feels that I would admire.
And then……ahhhh…….
……I can inquire.
I can ask the amazing question: is it true?
“Heaven: This is wonderful, I could stay here forever.
Hell: This is not quite perfect.”
~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?
Can you notice how you bring yourself into hell when you think you are not quite perfect?
Who would you be, could you be, if you believed you were wonderful as you are, that you could stay as you are forever?
Who would you be without the belief in perfection being somewhere other than here, or someone other than me?
Bizarre, I know.
Very odd for all of us who have hated and criticized ourselves relentlessly for so much of our lives.
Now is as good a time as any to question your thinking.
Can you imagine not thinking you need to change anything about your personality, your defects, what you said, did or felt?
“When your image of the me takes a break, you’ll find all you are doing at that moment is just being open. You feel quite relieved that you are not trying to get to another moment or a better experience. You feel yourself just being in a very relaxed, easy sense of peace. You haven’t gained anything at all–you’re not smarter, you don’t necessarily know more than anyone else, and you haven’t suddenly become holy. If you are resting as your own true nature, then you feel that there is really nowhere else to go.” ~ Adyashanti
question your past, without pushing yourself, and notice peace in the present
Lately the topic of Grace Notes has contained some pretty serious life situations.
Death, destruction, killing, suffering.
I’ve gotten some powerful notes from people in response.
People who went through some horrible, horrible life events in childhood, or situations where there was a war going on, or a nasty accident where people were killed.
Someone said “how could that be wonderful?”
Ack.
It can’t be.
And one thing is for sure….you should never be trying to make yourself think something is wonderful that ISN’T for you.
Byron Katie says, “I’m not asking you to drop your story”.
The only reason, ever, to engage with self-inquiry is because YOU want freedom for yourself. You want peace. You want to not be bitter, terrified, or enraged with what happened to you.
It does not ever mean that what happened is *wonderful* or *great* or *small* or *forgettable*.
Not unless it actually becomes this, for you, in a really genuine, deep, clear way.
I don’t think I’ll ever think extreme violence is wonderful.
But I am very, very interested in studying the affects of my beliefs, my greatest fears (which have felt profound) on my present experience.
I look around and I can see that right now, in this moment, life is very slow, calm, quiet. There are no voices anywhere. There is the small tap-tap-tap of the computer keys as I write. I see a white painted door slightly ajar to the outer room. I feel my favorite ugly gray sweater on my forearms. I get to participate in a sacred dance tonight that honors a dear friend who just died of cancer.
This moment is safe, and easy.
I see that life brings this moment.
It brings the capacity to sit and question past trauma and to open my mind up to the possibility that NOW is full of love, and the traumatic images I see in my head are IMAGES.
They are not real. Not now.
This is not denying what I remember, or diminishing my history or my situation or what I encountered…..
…..or what you have encountered either.
What I know is, it feels incredible to hold the position of Not A Victim.
This is where inquiry has brought me.
When I believe someone did me wrong, someone hurt me and there is no way to ever get over it, or that I need that body part I lost….
….I am stuck.
I am full of suffering.
As I question and inquire into what is true, I find I am not so sure of the worst that happened anymore.
Those people caused me to have a terrible life
Cancer brought only pain, terror and despair
I will never be free from my suffering
God is a sadist
There is no getting over evil
There is no peace for me because of what I suffered
Start with whatever belief you have about your life. Begin with only one moment, one situation….even if you had many terrible situations and experiences.
The Work can be used for even the most gruesome acts of unkindness, sickness, desperation.
Use it for your own freedom, not anyone else’s. If it is not right for you, or it makes you mad, or you think it means you are denying what happened, or even condoning and saying it was OK that it happened and this is not acceptable to you…..
…..take a break.
Then, if you know it’s right for you, keep going anyway.
At least for me, there was no other option, if I wanted to end my war with reality.
“When I ask these questions, in no way am I condoning cruelty or even the smallest unkindness. The perpetrator is not the issue here. My sole focus is the person sitting with me, and I am concerned solely with her freedom.” ~ Byron Katie
Could the turnarounds be just as true or truer?
Those people caused me to have an unusual, extraordinary life
Cancer also brought acceptance, rest and clarity
I will be free from my suffering
God is all-loving
There is always getting over evil
There is peace for me because of what I suffered
Who would I BE with this different story, in the present moment?
