May 2014 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

May 31, 2014

Who Doesn’t Get The Work?

I don’t get it.

That’s what I heard the other day when someone was referred to me by a close friend.

We were talking about The Work, coaching, goals and why his friend might have referred him to me.

As I spoke to this man, who reported he was happy in his career, his life as a single dad, and the status of his relationship with his previous wife….

….he eventually shared with me that he felt unrest.

Like a general malaise, a thought “is this all there is?” about life in general.

He felt bored.

He asked me what The Work entailed, never having heard of it before, ever.

I said that it was about questioning your thoughts that bring about anxiety, confusion, rage, sadness, despair…

….and boredom.

Then I asked him if he’d like to do The Work on his idea that life is boring for him, just a short overview, to take a look.

When I asked him who he would be without the belief that life is dull, bland, boring, discouraging….

….he said “I don’t get it.”

I shared a little more….”You imagine who you might be if you couldn’t even be thinking that thought that you’re bored, looking around at life, your environment, your world.”

He said it didn’t really make sense. That it was nice to imagine, but that’s not reality.

He said he was very grateful for the call.

But later, after hanging up, I was like “Phew, he has a long way to go.” I wonder if I’ll ever talk to him again.

And then The Work bubbling up immediately.

Is that really true?

Think about someone you think has a long road ahead, a big gap to bridge, someone who is confused, someone who doesn’t get it who you kinda wished DID get it.

How do you react when you believe they need to get something, including The Work?

Whether slight concern or really frustrated, it’s stressful.

But who would you be without the belief that the person in mind should get it, or even needs to? Without the thought in your head that they should be different, or understand what you’re saying, or grasp ANYTHING more than they do?

“You see persons and things not as they are but as you are.” ~ Anthony De Mello

In that moment of thought as it passes, where I think someone should get something, who is the one who doesn’t get it?

Maybe, that would be me!

“Enlightenment can be measured by how compassionately and wisely you interact with others–with all others, not just those who support you in the way that you want. How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are.” ~ Adyashanti

Thank you, person who didn’t get The Work in that moment.

Thank you everyone who doesn’t get whatever they don’t get, giving me time to practice and feel the joy of being compassionate with others, no matter what.

And thank you to myself for not getting anything, until I did. I trust the universe to handle what I get, when I get it…

…its a lot lighter that way.

Much love, Grace

May 30, 2014

How To Practice The Work As Meditation

The first time I ever meditated, it partially drove me crazy and partially thrilled me.

I had to set the alarm to meditate 15 minutes from start to finish, because before using the alarm, I would keep peeking at the clock to see how much time had gone by.

I took a meditation class about 25 years ago. I only showed up once.

And yet, I was quite interested. Someone gave me a book about meditation and its wonders.

I wasn’t sure what the fuss was all about….but I was still curious.

I would decide “I’m going to meditate every morning!” and strangely, never do it. Or do it for a few days, then never again.

It seemed like it would pop right out of my mind, or get stuffed under the rug because other things were more important…like getting kids to school.

I knew I needed support. Just to DO it!

So I registered again for another meditation class, and this time, I went every single week. We meditated for about 30 minutes every time in silence. I always closed my eyes and sat with my classmates in the circle, holding quite still.

I rarely meditated in between classes, but oh, that time in silence during class was peaceful, sometimes full of thinking, curious and frustrating all at once.

After the class was over, can you guess how often I meditated?

Yah, you got it.

Never.

A friend of mine at a party said she was going on a silent meditation retreat. We had our young children, playing in the grass around our feet.

I felt envious.

Dang…I still want to meditate!

I signed up for a different class, and then a retreat with the same teacher where we meditated a whole lot, for two-hour silent sessions several times a day for five days.

After that, for quite some time I meditated an hour a day by myself at home, every morning.

I didn’t question it, or get distracted, or decide it wasn’t important. I never missed my morning sitting.

It’s funny how something interesting and desired can be “hard” to practice if it’s new.

Like a new habit, one day it becomes vital to you. Instead of just thinking about doing it, you do it.

Then you get to see how it really works for YOU. You’re not doing it because you should, or other people think you should, or it’s the right thing to do.

You’re doing it because you love doing it, it fits who you are.

This same thing happened to me with doing The Work of Byron Katie.

At the beginning, after reading Loving What Is….I got up and walked away from my couch after five minutes of trying to answer the questions in a notebook.

There was laundry to do! I don’t have time for this!

Then I went to one evening lecture by Byron Katie in my home town. Then I signed up for a weekend workshop with Katie.

Even though I loved reading Loving What Is and doing The Work in those sessions with Katie, I never seemed to sit down and do it on my own at home.

I finally went to The School for The Work…there wasn’t anyone else offering classes in The Work that I knew of in my city, or practice sessions in The Work (this was almost ten years ago).

The School lasts 9 days, and you do The Work every single day, all day long, with various exercises to help identify your thoughts and investigate your stressful beliefs.

Finally, by doing The Work, I really got the power of The Work.

And guess what happened after I went to The School?

I’d find myself upset, sad, frightened and remember to do The Work…..but not always take the full amount of time out to complete it.

The only way I kept going with it, steadily, was to find partners who would facilitate me and I would facilitate them.

We made appointments.

I had one wonderful partner for two years, every single Monday, and we did The Work for nearly two hours every time we traded facilitations.

The Work, just like meditation (it is actually a form of meditation on the mind and what its doing) is not so easy to begin to do as a practice, if you’re busy living a full life like so many people are.

You may need to get the hang of it before it sticks.

You may need to schedule it in as a top priority, right into your calendar, so you make the time to do it.

That’s what Summer Camp for The Mind is for.

It’s an easy way to begin putting The Work into your schedule, for a fraction of the cost of a full course or individual sessions.

It’s a way to pick a time, just two days per month are necessary (but more are available for no extra charge if you want them).

You call in at the appointed time, for 90 minutes, and the group does The Work.

I’ll facilitate you. You don’t have to do it “right” or know anything fancy.

Experienced people and beginners will all be there, everyone is welcome.

You’ll pick a situation you’ve found uncomfortable, or terrifying, and write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on it (you’ll learn separately all about how to fill this out if you don’t know already) and then we’ll practice The Work.

Like meditation, all you need is willingness, an eagerness to understand yourself, and an open mind.

If I could do this, anyone can. You can too. You can question your mind and change your world.

June Summer Camp starts in two days.

You’ll join an online forum immediately (I’ll set you up in a googlegroup) and then live calls will begin on Monday.

You pick your favorite call-in group: (Monday 4 pm, Tuesday 8 am, or Thursday 9:30 am).

Each group is limited to 20 people maximum live participants. But you can listen to all the groups, all three days, at any time if you are enrolled in Summer Camp.

You only pay $97 for one whole month.

The savings to facilitated inquiry in this unique Summer Camp format is extensive. Normal classes are $395 for two months, and the equivalent fee for solo sessions would be far more.

If you’re ready to give The Work more time in your life in a light, easy way through the summer (like camp!) then Join Me.

Let’s do this together.

I can’t wait to meet you.

To sign up now for June, click here:

To learn more about it, click HERE.

“Do The Work for breakfast” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

May 29, 2014

What If Illness Were Not An Enemy?

Oh boy, very bad head cold and fever.

The sensations are strange and intriguing in the body. Hot cheeks, hot forehead, when I get up from bed and return, the bed still feels strangely hot where I was laying before.

And the swollen glands in the throat, thick and aching. Then the completely stuffed up nose.

The funny thing is that although there are quite a few things I can’t really do today…or so I think…I don’t think about it every moment. I go in and out of being aware that I’m even sick.

Everyone does this!

Something difficult happens, a physical ailment, an accident, a tough situation….

….and even as that situation is happening your attention is sometimes elsewhere. You might go to sleep, or go to the bathroom, or get a glass of water.

For example, I thought at one point “I need to take some medicine for this fever and throat pain”.

And then I kept writing.

Forty-five minutes passed, then I did get up and get ibuprofen, so apparently medicine happened.

But it almost didn’t even matter. I was completely engrossed in my writing, then feeling it, then not feeling it again.

Where did the swollen glands, hurting throat, and sickness go in those moments?

What is this illness anyway? Is it really illness?

I am sick. Is it true?

Yes. This has happened every so often to me and to people I know since I was a kid. It’s called a bad cold. Or the flu maybe.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you’re sick?

Weird question, right?

But I find the answer is “no”.

I can’t absolutely know that what this is for, what it’s doing, what is meant by it. Maybe it’s a fact that I have a fever, but not necessarily a bad thing, or an alarming or disappointing or unhappy thing.

How do you react when you believe you’re sick?

Call the Fire Department! Emergency!

Cancel plans or worry about canceling plans.

Maybe you hold strong, reinforce with medicines, keep steady. Maybe you get anxious, read about your illness on the internet, research, get obsessive. Think about the future, and the past.

What you could do, what you should have done.

But who would you be without the thought that you are sick?

“Both pleasure and pain are projections, and it takes a clear mind to understand that. After inquiry, the experience of pain changes. The joy that was always beneath the surface of pain is primary now, and the pain is underneath it. People who do The Work stop fearing pain. They relax into it. They watch it come and go, and they see that it always comes and goes at the perfect moment.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought (and we’re not talking about denial here) I take vitamin C, I drink lots of water and tea, I lie in bed, I close my eyes, I sleep during the day.

And I feel deep peace. Like all is incredibly well. I guess there was no need to go to dance tonight. I breathe with my mouth open.

I turn the thought around: I am well.

This is what a body does. It responds.

I also notice this body is not who “I” am. It is doing its thing, and this “I” that is the silent center that’s always been here is entirely well.

It doesn’t really have a sick/well viewpoint, you know what I mean?

And, despite this condition called “sick” I had an initial interview for a presentation I’ll be a part of, I wrote Grace Notes, I taught my money class, I did some more planning for Summer Camp for The Mind, I applied for a cool program online, I helped my teenager figure out which bus to take.

Ha ha!

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

Even if the enemy is sickness.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you’re wanting to do The Work on pain, sickness or physical trauma…although it sounds kind of goofy, join Summer Camp. We’ll have good, solid rounds of facilitated Work in all areas, 3 days per week, and Q and A online via email. It will be liberating!

May 28, 2014

Stop Your Nightmare With Understanding

A long time ago a beautiful inquirer began to work with me after she had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.

At that time, she was one of the first people I worked with on painful thoughts born out of her experience.

I had cancer before myself. Also a rare type, mine was a sarcoma of the interstitial skin on my thigh…with a really weird medical name that I’ve never been able to pronounce.

I remember that moment when I had the most fear.

In the doctor’s office, having the stitches removed, when the doctor said “I’ll just take these stitches out from the biopsy and then you can get dressed and then we’ll talk about the results.”

She’s waiting to talk to me about the results she received from my biopsy?

Adrenaline rush.

The core belief “I’m going to die” and that is really frightening.

Later, when I began to work with people who had cancer, or had previously had it, I thought they’d immediately want to talk about the fear of death, the terror of losing health, deteriorating, feeling physical pain.

But almost everyone who has ever come to talk with me after having cancer (even if they currently have it) has had the very same thoughts that all of us have when we’re healthy.

What will people think?
Will the people I encounter on this journey be kind?
Will my kids, employees, neighbors, friends, partner be OK with this?
Did I do something wrong?
What will it be like when I die?

The mind seems to be concerned with these questions, and concerned with forgetting about them too. Since there aren’t any clear, known answers….the problem-solving mind really doesn’t like that very much.

But when a diagnosis enters your life, you don’t forget quite as easily. It’s in your face, it has more import somehow.

You look.

It’s an incredible opportunity. You can do this inquiry today no matter what kind of health condition you’re in…since we’re all eventually dying.

So….is it true that people may think poorly of you, or avoid you in life? Is it true that you need people to be kind? Do you have to worry about the people close to you if you leave?

Is it possible you did something wrong? Do you need to know what it will be like when you die?

Apparently not.

If you answered yes to anything, notice this one, and ask yourself if it is absolutely true.

My client long ago had the thought that other people judge her poorly, maybe avoid her, say fake nice things to her. She felt very alone. So painful!

How do you react when you believe the thought that people may think thoughts about you that are frightening or unfavorable? What happens when you worry about those you love and what will happen to them if you go away, or have a problem?

And that gripping thought that you must have done something wrong, yikes!

Who would you be without these thoughts?

Sit very still and feel that question. You can still hear the chatter, but imagine who you’d be without believing it.

Without any thoughts about what will happen in the future, even in two hours, or what other people are thinking that’s mean or frightening…

…you may feel a rest and relaxation that is unlike anything you’ve ever known.

You may notice that for this instant, you are OK. You can handle what’s happening, and something else is ultimately handling it and it’s not really up to you.

“Understand your nightmare for what it is, and it will stop; then you will wake up to reality. Understand your false beliefs and they will drop; then you will know the taste of happiness.” ~ Anthony De Mello

Turning the thoughts around:

Whatever people think is absolutely fine
Every person I encounter will contribute to my enlightenment
My kids, friends, employees, neighbors and partner will be completely OK
Did I do something right?
What is it like as I live?

What if these were exciting, and just as true, or truer?

“God, as I use the word, is another name for what is. I always know God’s intention: It’s exactly what is in every moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re struggling with inquiry in your life and allowing what is, and would like guidance in doing it…

…I am here for you.

I love facilitating people through their situations, their painful beliefs.

Every person who arrives to do inquiry is a gift on my own path.

This summer, I’m giving ample opportunity to people who would love regular call-in times, open 90 minute sessions for inquiry, at pre-set hours all summer.

I’m calling it Summer Camp because it’s a time to rest in inquiry, relax, let the process unfold as a dance for you, answering the questions, following the un-doing.

I never took the time to really inquire into my own thoughts about life and death until I began to lose things I believed were really scary to lose.

You can start inquiring when things are terrifying, or long before, it doesn’t matter.

Someone just wrote to ask if Summer Camp will be crowded.

It is limited to 20 people per live session, so the answer is “no”. You will get facilitated time, focused attention, and find awesome partners to trade facilitation sessions.

Join fellow inquirers on a journey inward and you may find yourself becoming lighter, lighter, and lighter.

Even about things like cancer or dying.

Much love, Grace

May 27, 2014

You’re Supposed To Have Fun On Saturday Night

This past weekend included a Monday holiday in the USA, so we had a long weekend.

I actually put down my computer, set aside skype, mostly put away my calendar, and did not work with clients for One Whole Day.

I must admit, I have a returning whirling dervish attitude towards getting stuff done sometimes.

Like a wave of a feeling, it comes on and shouts “Don’t dink around, accomplish stuff, go, go, go!”

(Do you remember the children’s book “Go Dog, Go?” Well, it’s like that, only not so many parties.)

Even though I didn’t put so many clients on my schedule, on the weekend afternoon I set aside what I thought would be two hours to do website updates, learn a new software program, and do accounting.

My husband and I had talked of going to a movie that night, a somewhat rare treat.

I rolled through the accounting, I devoted time to learning….two hours went by like that (snap).

Then I started working on some stuff for Year of Inquiry and Summer Camp and then next time I looked up it was 6:30 pm.

Getting kind of close to not being able to go to an earlier movie.

Husband knocked on the door and said in his incredibly kind way “are you free?” I said no, maybe in a little while.

The next time I looked up it was 9 pm. Then 10:15. Too late for any movies.

Then it was 11:30 pm, still working, and Saturday night, over.

I had accomplished a lot, but had a wave of disappointment. Wasn’t this evening supposed to be spent having time with my partner, enjoying the fantasy story of a movie?

When I was a teenager, we used to say we were “vegging out”. Like a vegetable.

Just….doing nothing. Hanging out. Playing, talking, lying around.

Oh those days, where have they gone? Where did my Saturday night just go?

Dang it.

I should have stopped and taken a break. That’s what life is for. Enjoying and having fun. Jeez. What’s wrong with me. I’m becoming a workaholic. Why can’t I just chill?

Is it true?

Yes. It’s almost midnight and I started this project at 3 in the afternoon!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that I should have stopped and interrupted that creative, intense flow?

No.

But I wanted to see Spiderman! I missed out. My very patient husband kinda wanted to spend time with me and I with him.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Frantic. A sinking feeling. Not enough time on this planet for it all. I can’t do it fast enough. Quick, quick, needa get it done.

Tired.

So who would you be without that belief that what you did prevented you from doing something else more fun? Or that what you chose eliminated something else, at all?

There’s the picture of a dinner out plus Spiderman night, and the actual reality of a torrent of creative energy and tasks unfolding.

I know very well that when I believe something else should have happened than what actually happened….

….it’s rather disturbing.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if I think I am suffering because of ME and my own choices and my own propensity to over-do things, or because of my own mind being very one-tracked at times.

Thinking I did it wrong and that there’s someone to blame (me) creates trouble.

I turn the thoughts around: I should NOT have stopped and taken any break. That’s what life is for. I was enjoying and having fun. Yay! Things are right with me. I’m becoming a joy-aholic. I have fun on Saturday nights doing anything!

I didn’t miss out.

Wow. That’s actually all very true. It’s all truer.

“When you say, I enjoy doing this or that, it is really a misperception. It makes it appear that the joy comes from what you do, but that is not the case. Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I love catching even these tiny quick moments of fleeting disappointment and turning them around.

Hand-clapping wonderful!

And the next day….dance, meditation, talking with family, friends, vacuuming, music, singing, Spiderman.

Much love, Grace

May 24, 2014

Summer Camp Freedom!

Summer Camp For The Mind is coming soon!

You can join for one month, or two, or all three…any months you choose for June, July, August.

What’s Summer Camp For The Mind?

It’s a program to support your inner enlightenment, give you community of other like-minded inquirers, make time to connect with others, refine your practice in self-inquiry using The Work, and keep awareness alive of questioning who you are and what you believe that creates stress.

Instead of nodding off to sleep, like I’ve done so often.

We do all this with live sessions and sharing online in a private forum.

Whether your primary issue right now is a partner, being single, money, job, boss, mother, father, overeating, sister, child, neighbor, pain, addiction, death…

…all of the above (so many encounters have perhaps created confusion, worry or discomfort in the past)…

…you get to look very deeply at your thinking, and you might discover what you’re looking at changes.

I’ve offered so many call-in times for Summer Camp For The Mind that you are almost certain to get some individual attention at a fraction of the cost of solo sessions.

There will be live 90 minute dial-in sessions on Monday late afternoons, Tuesday mornings, and Thursday later mornings, all Pacific time.

Plus a private email web forum for posting your work and sharing insights and finding partners to work with.

Check out the Summer Camp for The Mind page for more information by clicking right HERE.

A rare opportunity unlike anything I’ve ever offered.

Each month is only $97 for everything available during that entire month: live calls, online written exercises, forum sharing.

You just write to me and say which month you want to participate, or you can click here now if you’re joining for June:

You don’t even need to pack your bags, or bring your toothbrush…all you need to bring is an open mind.

Woohoo! Summer Camp! Freedom!

Much love, Grace

May 24, 2014

Get Over Them Not Getting Over It

Yesterday I was enrolled in an all-day course in Suicide Assessment and Prevention that is required now for my credential of Certified Counselor where I live in Washington state in the USA.

Lucky me, the course was taught by a wonderful friend of mine.

He showed us a film of a therapy session between a very depressed suicidal client and a loving, direct therapist. We saw the whole session in chunks. He’d pause the film for discussion time….then he’d show the next 15 minutes of the session, followed by more discussion.

I had a few thoughts I kept to myself…you’ll see why in a second.

Because now, I get to reveal them to you.

They’re sort of like the sediment at the bottom of a lake, the real drudge of judgment that sits down there that’s childish, mean and nasty.

So there the client was, suffering terribly because her husband had died of cancer. She quit her job to nurse him through it for two years, and then he died four months ago. She was listless, apathetic, weeping, sort-of zombieville, depressed…..obviously in agony.

This little voice in my head, that one on the bottom under water, said “Jeez what a whiner, get over it! You have nothing to live for because one person died? Thousands of people die everyday, get a grip!”

We were then asked to look at our own feelings about the people in the film.

Oh.

Not exactly compassionate. It’s sort of embarrassing. I notice how I want to explain, justify or defend, apologize.

But thoughts like these are some of the best for inquiry.

Maybe you can find a moment when you thought you should have been compassionate and understanding, but you just weren’t.

Instead you were rolling your eyes or whispering under your breath.

She or he should get over it.….is that true?

Yes. Good grief! Get out the violins!

Can you absolutely know its true though, 100%, that right now, right here, that person should SNAP get over it?

No. They aren’t over it. That’s reality. And who am I to say who should or should not be “over” things in their life.

How do you react when you think the thought she (or he) should get over it, get a grip, buck up, pull it together?

I’m very dismissive. I feel like getting away from that person. I want them to STOP crying!

Suddenly I remember my daughter sobbing her eyes out because I gave her hand-me-down clothes to the little neighbor girl.

At that time, my impatience inside was on fire. Twelve years ago…I went into my room and closed the door and hit the bed with my fists.

(Who should snap out of it…ahem?)

So who would you be without the belief that the person in question should get over that issue?

I’d look at them and see a person in great pain. Believing their very difficult thoughts about life, and their circumstances.

I’ve been there.

“It couldn’t be simpler, though people feel that there’s got to be something hidden behind it. It’s user-friendly: what you see is what you get. Whatever happens is good, and if you don’t think so, you can question your mind.” ~ Byron Katie

It doesn’t mean I have to rush in and help, or run away from the scene. Without me having any story, in fact, I take in that person in the film….I take in any person with a heavy, sad, anguished story, including sad daughters for example, and I rest, I relax in their presence.

I hear their sounds, I understand their plight, I breathe deeply, I let them be who they are.

I should get over it.

That’s more true. I should get over them getting over it.

Unclench the fists, quit the attack-on-sobbing philosophy I seem to repeat over and over again.

“Not knowing is true knowledge.” ~ Tao Te Ching #71

Much love, Grace

May 23, 2014

See Through Your Fear And Be Safe

My husband just reminded me that one year ago, we were on an airplane to Bali.

What a spectacular adventure, a luscious and very, very different place from where I call home in the Pacific Northwest. It was an entertaining series of connections, hilarious events, and profound beauty and adventure.

I must admit….I was nervous as we got on the airplane. Even the plane was unusual. Many of the people didn’t speak English, a humongous jet plane with 500+ people flying half way across the globe to Taipei.

And then another plane for yet another six hours or so all the way to the island of Bali in Indonesia.

I will never forget that very first night someplace brand new. People have them from time to time in their lives. The first night on a vacation, the first night in a new home, the first night after a huge change has occurred in life.

Before life was one way, now life is another way.

Our first night in Bali, as we climbed into the beautiful bed very tired after a huge number of hours traveling….

….there were sounds.

I mean, not just a bird call through the tall jungle trees. I’m talking SOUNDS.

Chirps, hums, hoots, howls, scampers, thumps, flapping.

We turned the light back on.

I glanced toward the bedside table at the half-eaten chocolate bar a good friend gave us for the journey. It was covered with swarming ants.

I had no idea, in a million years, that I would have the thought, almost like a feeling without thought….

….I am not safe.

Logically, I already knew I was safe. We’re in a gorgeous wood-carved elegant grass-roofed bungalow, the windows are unlatched and open to an inky warm night.

I chuckled to my husband and we tried connecting to internet but knew there wasn’t any.

We turned the light off again.

I was perhaps just barely drifting off, finally, when all of the sudden a loud sound kind of like a kazoo blasting through our room, followed by the call being repeated softer, softer, softer, then silence.

Was that a bird? What the heck?

Light on again. My heart beating fast.

Fortunately for me (and for my husband) I have The Work. I felt very anxious and was having a hard time going to sleep. I asked myself….is it true that I am not safe?

I’m not sure. My heart is beating. This is very different. So, yes.

Can you be absolutely certain, that you aren’t safe in that situation?

No. Humans live here.

How do I react when I think something isn’t safe?

This doesn’t have to be visiting another country. The wave of nervousness or anxiety might come over you some time. What happens when you believe it is true? That it means something real?

RUN! HELP! PANIC! HIDE!

Often, after the initial fearful experience, the mind kicks in trying to take over running, analyzing, and understanding the situation.

But who would you be without the thought that you are not safe? That you are threatened? That you need a solution, NOW?

“It is easy to be swept away by some overwhelming feeling, so it’s helpful to remember that any stressful feeling is like a compassionate alarm clock that says, ‘You’re caught in the dream’.” ~ Byron Katie

This is truly profound to consider, just in your own imagination, who you would be without the belief that you are not safe.

You might go to sleep (that’s what I did!)

You might laugh, you might sob, you’d feel alive, full of peace, powerful, direct, in the flow, receptive, open, clear, connected, awed, friendly, expectant, still.

I continue to practice recognizing this deep, underlying belief that I am not safe, wasn’t safe before, and will not be safe again in the future.

I turn the thought around: I am safe.

What does “safe” even mean? What do I think is threatened here? Who is this “I” who is unsafe or safe?

Some days later after that first night, we met with good friends from Seattle and were staying in another area. We saw a big lizard about 8 inches long on the wall, with little suction feet.

Someone said, “oh, you hear those guys all the time with their big one-time call at night like a big warning bell that starts loud and gets softer and softer.”

WOW! THAT was what startled me so wildly I couldn’t sleep? It’s so tame looking, it doesn’t bite people, and they even have stories about the interpretation of how many beats the sounds last and what those might mean.

Enchanting!

And I notice I was safe, whether I “knew” what the sound was or not.

Remembering that incredible adventure now, the exotic, unusual, wonderful air, the smells, the land, the feel….

….I delight in seeing that whatever I imagine needs protection is not exactly “mine” (or even “real”) in the first place: my body, my identity, my country, my relationship, my money, my home.

Traveling to Bali offered the experience of swimming in the sea of this reality, without knowing what it means.

That can happen right here, right now, no matter where you are, familiar or new.

In this moment, I look around with fresh new eyes at the computer screen, the leaves in the wind through the glass window, I feel the chair beneath me, I hear the murmur of people outside walking by.

Feeling the safety of only one important thing, the only thing that’s ever always been here without change, this center within.

Much love, Grace

May 22, 2014

Be Intimate With Those Who Think Badly Of You

Last night the Money class met and we looked at such a simple and very common thought….

….that person should appreciate my work.

There you are, doing what you do to earn money, receive money, or be supported by money, like go to a job, and in the middle of that activity you are not appreciated.

Oh boy. Not only to I “have” to go to this job, but I even have to deal with so-and-so the unappreciative one.

I remember having a job long ago where the person I interacted with the most of all I considered to be harsh, judgmental, critical, fakey, false and needy. She had complained about me and ever since then, I felt like I was in trouble and needed to be vigilant.

Heh heh. She was so upsetting!

It was true!

How did I react when I believed that she was all those things, and totally and completely unappreciative of my work?

I gave her the silent treatment.

Of course, inside, I was scared to death. I felt nervous around her, I wanted to retreat. I was afraid because she had criticized me once in a pretty big way….and it lingered. I thought of her as dangerous. She might hurt me again.

Like a cute little bulldog that would bite my hand off if I reached out to pet it.

But who would I be without that belief that she never appreciated me, or my work, and she should?

Sometimes with this question, people will think….WAIT! I need that thought! Otherwise, I’ll forget, I’ll reach out to pet her, and SNAP, no more hand!

I have found that it’s very stressful to continue to believe you must be cautious and careful.

But it’s not always easy to drop the thought that someone should appreciate you, who doesn’t.

It has a sort of edgy drama that can be dark, secretive, victim-y.

Oh, poor little me, she was such a &@*$% to me, and I will NEVER let her get close EVER and I dare her to try to get close to ME!

I mean, without the thought that she didn’t appreciate me, I couldn’t write my musical drama and perform it every day (on the inside of course) with her playing the villain role, and me playing the heroine.

Sigh.

If I really gave all that up, and imagined what it would be like to be in that person’s presence without the belief that I need her appreciation, ever…..

…..its entirely different, a world apart. Laughing, bouncing, peaceful to the core, imagining new possibilities, noticing so much more in my environment, feeling joy, moving on to other interests, noticing her attributes, her gentleness, how non-threatening she really is.

I feel MORE creative!

Turning the thought around: she should NOT have appreciated my work, in fact, I should have appreciated HER work, and I most of all should have appreciated myself.

Her being who she was offered an invitation to me to speak up, ask for what I wanted, detach (in a good way), simply be myself, express appreciation to her, shift fear into power.

Even though that happened many years ago, in this moment now I am still appreciating that exchange I had with that woman who sparked passion, confusion and clarity in me.

In fact, she helped me take my next steps in the world of work, I was inspired to contemplate myself, to resolve. I became aware of my own insecurity. I became clear about how much appreciation it appeared that I needed at all times in order to feel safe or happy.

No wonder I was so anxious!

Most of all, I loved how in our class last night one wise inquirer commented about this word “appreciation” and how it actually is used in financial terminology all the time.

Appreciation is gaining in value, getting lifted up, lifted higher in worth.

Can I do that for others, and for myself?

Yes.

“If a criticism hurts you, that means you’re defending against it. Your body will let you know very clearly when you’re feeling hurt or defensive. If you don’t pay attention, the feeling rises and becomes anger and attack, in the form of defense or justification….Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss….until you can be intimate with us however badly we think of you, you Work isn’t done.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

May 21, 2014

Is Saying Goodbye Hard?

Yesterday was the very last session of the first Year of Inquiry group that’s been meeting since June last year.

Wow, what a spectacular experience.

During our last month together, the topic has been Death, Endings, Parting Ways, Goodbyes.

Today we looked at the belief “goodbyes are hard”.

Such a simple thought, and so full of sadness, drama, memories, anticipation.

Questioning the thought doesn’t mean you arrive and land on a new belief that goodbyes are easy….maybe they are hard and that’s actually completely OK with you, with life, with reality.

But it’s very powerful to look at why you think they are hard, and who is this “you” who believes so resolutely that goodbyes (especially in death) are dreadful.

One wonderful inquirer had a situation where he was alone in the house, concerned that his wife may not return. Another inquirer considered the loss of her ego, her own identity. Someone else had already experienced a shocking sudden death of her partner in the past.

What if there MIGHT be a goodbye? What if something terrible happens?

Let’s look.

Goodbyes are hard…..is that true?

Yes. I’d do anything to talk with my dad again. Accidents, illness, death, break-ups, loss, time passing, friendships ending, people moving away.

Sad! Horrible! Painful! Confusing! WHY?!

But can you absolutely KNOW that it’s true that Goodbyes are hard?

No. Not in every part of me. My mind may think so, but I also notice that I don’t think about my father 24/7. At all. Thoughts appear, then they dissolve.

I don’t really know if they are “hard” at all. Grief pours out, then it passes.

How do you react when you believe that Goodbyes are hard?

People have many reactions: avoid connecting too deeply, stay connected even though its time to move on, fail to notice that all is very well even when someone leaves, pine, cry, feel hopeless.

Now….who would you be without that belief that Goodbyes are hard?

What if Goodbyes are easy? What if Goodbyes are soft?

Bizarre, right?

But I notice that it’s profound to not believe, right here in this moment, that endings are terrible. Shakespeare said “parting is such sweet sorrow.”

In my life, it is beautiful to let go of all the control, allow reality to include both goodbyes and hellos. (All the inquirers had a chuckle thinking about the turnaround “Hello’s are hard”….good to see why and explore THAT one a bit!)

Because I notice I have zero control over all this coming and going anyway. Trusting it might be a good idea.

“If I were to tell the story of reality, it would have to be a love story. The story would be told as life lives itself out, always kinder and kinder, with twists and turns that cannot be projected into the distance. For example, if my daughter dies, I realize that there is no self to be affected. It’s not about me. This is about her life, my child’s life, and I celebrate her freedom, because I know the freedom of unidentified mind–the unceasing body-less mind that is finally awake to itself, the mind that never existed as a her, and the her that can never die.” ~ Byron Katie

In the end on our touching, deep and astounding call yesterday, I felt such gratitude for the hellos and goodbyes I’ve encountered with every single YOI member, and every human I’ve ever met.

And how astonishing to consider and sit in awe of these turnarounds: I am willing to say goodbye, I am willing to have the thought that goodbyes are hard, to feel separated, to part ways, to die, to have others die who I love.

I look forward to all the ways in my life to come when I will say goodbye, I look forward to when I will have the thought that it’s hard, when I may feel separated, when I part ways, to die, to have others die who I love.

The weight that is lifted in being open to all change, five minutes from now, five years from now, fifteen years from now, fifty years from now….is a weight worth putting down.

If you’d like to join the next Year of Inquiry and really begin a regular practice with a guaranteed fabulous group, we’ll begin again in September 2014. Registration is not open yet for YOI, but you can write to me if you’re interested as it is by application only by hitting reply.

“Seeing into darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #52

Much love, Grace