Month: February 2014

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The Brutality of Hating Neediness

Recently several clients have been sitting with the very uncomfortable feeling, and idea, that they are longing for attention, approval, connection, contact.

If only that person would have given me more. If only she would have given me a sign that I was supported. If only he would have said he loved me, or given me a hug, or smiled. If only they would have given me a higher grade. If only they would have said I was welcome.

Many of us see the longing inside for being approved of, just for ourselves, without having to “do” anything better, or different.

Long ago, a dear friend was facilitating me through my belief that someone else I knew shouldn’t be so dang needy.

He is so desperate, clingy, full of questions, demanding my attention, insecure, sucking the life from me and other people too, pushing for approval, unstable, dramatic.

He is sooooo needy, it’s so gross, I’m disgusted. Can’t he pull it together and stop being age five? He’s a grown man, for godssakes.

As my friend asked me the questions known as The Work, I started feeling less angry and irritated….

….and more worried.

Uh oh.

Houston, I think we have a situation here.

Neediness is bad. 

Is it true?

Yes. Ewww.

I would never be like that. I will never ask for anything. I won’t impose. I will do everything possible to make sure no one ever, ever thinks I am needy. Because ewww.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that neediness is bad?

Yes. I can hardly stand it when that other person is needy, and I can’t stand it when I myself am needy.

I’ll do The Work right now just to get to that detached place where I find everything I need only inside myself, without ever asking for a single thing…..right?

Um, yeah. How’s that working to have the end result in mind already? The vision of pure, detached, pristine unneediness….ahhhhh.

So how do you react when you believe the thought that neediness is bad?

I RUN AWAY FROM ANYONE WHO HAS BIG NEEDS!

I run away from my own needs. If people are crawling and grabbing for food, I make sure to drop any that is in my own hands, because otherwise I’ll be overwhelmed with grabby consuming energy and they’ll eat me alive!

Get away, slam the door, shut down the engines. Like the submarine at the bottom of the ocean, be super quiet and wait for the Big Seeking Needy energy to pass by overhead.

Not exactly peaceful.

So who would you be without the thought that Neediness is Bad?

Pause.

Hard to even find it at first. I wait.

I imagine clingy needy man in my presence saying “I am desperate, I neeeeeeeeeeeed you.” But without the thought that his neediness is bad, wrong, horrible or impossible.

Dang. That is weird. Very different.

Without that thought that the needs of someone could be bad for me, in any way, I’m not shutting down. I’m not frightened. I’m up on the surface of the ocean, open to the sky, the water, the sea, the other crafts, the life. Not hiding under the surface.

Without the belief that neediness is bad, I have compassion for that person who thinks he is desperate, and I also know that he is OK.

I feel the Yes or No within me to move towards that person, or not.

No emergency.

No emergency for my own needs, but no ignoring them either! If I am thirsty, I get up and go get a glass of water.

If I would like someone to say “I love you, you are awesome at x, I appreciate your contribution” then I might ask people I know for genuine, honest feedback and let them know I would like them to share positive feedback because I’m afraid, for now, of the negative (if I am).

I might laugh, with joy and humor, and my own mundane needs and neediness. I would honor them. That is where I am, at that moment. It’s OK.

Turning the thought around: Neediness is Good. 

Holy Moly, really?

Well, I know it’s good to experience the sensation of hunger (I used to think it was bad). Because then I go find some food, which it turns out is generally necessary on this planet, for me.

Who am I to oppose the way of it, the way of reality that appears to have hunger/fullness, wanting/satisfaction, desire/manifestation, hoping/end of hoping?

“Why should we go looking for more than we are, when we are what we are looking for? Beware of a misguided longing, for it leads in the end to brutality.” ~ Adyashanti 

Thank you, neediness, for driving me out to somewhere else, for it shows me that everything is temporary that I want to grab. It shows me the brutality of my own mind’s secret disappointment.

Byron Katie tells a story of seeing a stranger in a shopping mall, and feeling horrified at the woman’s age, pain, stench, and slowness.

Katie said as she saw this woman and felt trapped, that inquiry arose almost immediately.

“What would I be without the thought?….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began, from its new position, to celebrate the whole life of itself, to love itself….There was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that neediness of any kind, in any way, should not exist….I am not against your need, the body’s need, the heart’s need, the neediness that is believed to be true.

I feel neediness with a gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance, and know that all is very, very well and nothing is required.

Year of Inquiry starts in one week only. I will close enrollment on Thursday, March 6th. Click here to read more about it. Year of Inquiry YOI.

If you are deeply interested, then please email me grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation to make sure it’s right for you.

Member of YOI: “It still amazes me to be so well received. I feel closer to you all than people I have known for decades. What a gift you all are and I thank my lucky stars!”

Much love, Grace

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I Have To Do Something! Like Eat!

Since I’ve been teaching the Eating Peace teleclass (next week is our last group) I’ve thought once again about that strange, terrible and rather amazing experience of being overwhelmed with compulsion, the belief that I MUST DO THIS or I MUST HAVE THIS that descends in a binge.

This doesn’t happen with only binge eating. There are many other activities that people experience as compulsive, obsessive, trance-like activities.

There are the ones we all know about: eating, smoking, drinking, gambling, exercising, pornography, internet surfing, television…

…but it’s not the actual activity or substance that’s the “problem”.

If you went to live on the moon, where they don’t have any alcohol, then the substance of alcohol might be gone, but what was the reason you were drinking it in the first place?

Because there are reasons.

At a deep level, the reason I used to binge-eat and feel totally out of control was because I was panicked about my feelings.

I was truly terrified of quite a few things: people criticizing me, the unknown of the future, my sense of being lost and separate in a difficult world, my thoughts that life is hard, brutal and scary.

I was very afraid of the lack of love I experienced, and when it came on really strong….I ate.

It’s the same with someone who uses drugs, smokes something, or who can’t stop thinking about a love relationship.

(I’ve heard this called a “love junkie”. That sounds about right. Been there, done that, too).

It can feel difficult to get at the root “problem”, the core of the experience.

But here’s the good news: you don’t have to fully know what the problem actually is.

You can very simply know that you are scared, muddled, confused, terrified, angry, despairing….and your thoughts about feeling these kinds of feelings is that you can’t stand it.

Quick! Change the channel! I’m frightened!

Next thing you know, you’re stuffing your face, or thinking about beer.

Recently, when I heard of Phillip Seymour Hoffman’s death from heroin, after 26 years sobriety, I wondered what was going on in his life that he thought escaping was the best plan.

Escaping from his feelings. Escaping from having to “stand it”.

In 26 years of not using, my thought is that he distracted himself in other more subtle, less destructive ways all that time. But it was still distraction. Avoidance.

I’ve met people who can’t stop taking self-improvement workshops, or attending non-dual speaker events. Ahem. Oh right. That might have been me.

With The Work, I love taking this powerful, brilliant, creative “mind” and considering the simple belief “I have to do something.”

Is it true?

Are you positive you have to do something to help you stop being anxious, afraid, or confused in this moment?

Are you sure you have to do anything, at all?

Who would you be if you didn’t believe you have to do anything? If you sat in a chair until you got up because you want to, not because you have to?

Even if it looks like someone thinks you’re horrible, you’ve had a great loss, you’ve got a disease, you’re a bundled of inexplicable feelings, you aren’t enlightened yet, you aren’t a good person (I’d question that)…

…who would you be without the thought that you have to do something, like eat?

What might happen then? If you feel frightened, and did nothing?

“With inquiry, it can’t be learned like ‘a way’. It can’t be controlled. There’s nothing you can ever know about it. You ask the questions and you don’t ever know what’s going to come up. That’s why it’s so difficult for some of you to answer the questions. You’re entering a universe that you cannot control. So we try to figure it out before we answer it, and that keeps the answer underneath it, it keeps the mystery hidden. And we’re afraid of what we can’t know, or control. Inquiry is new territory.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re frightened, like I once was (and still am sometimes) to sit and be with the unknown, without doing anything, and you’re not sure if you will explode unless you do….

….and you’d like to stay in inquiry with the mystery out there ahead of you….

….start today to be with questions, instead of answers. Is it OK not to know what’s going to happen, or what you should do, and that you can’t stand it?

“You work on this for your freedom, not to get something.” ~ Byron Katie

“There are no requirements and no prerequisites to awaken. There is nothing to be done, nothing to think, nowhere to go.

Just stop all dreaming. Stop all doing. Stop all excuses. Just stop and be still. Effortlessly be still. Grace will do the rest”. ~ Adyashanti

If you’d like to sit with the questions without running, even by staying in them every week with a group on the telephone together….then Year of Inquiry YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

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Your Inner Operating System Loves You

Strange the mind and this thing called “thinking”. What is thinking?

It often appears to have sound…a voice, or many voices, a direction out in front, an energy in the head, a force pulling inward into someplace dark.

Someone says “hold on, I need to think!” and we know they are saying they want quiet. Thought overload. Fast thought.

The other day I went to a movie called Her. Friends had recommended it.

I was intrigued when they said that a man falls in love, and has a relationship that actually evolves, with a Voice. His Operating System, an artificial intelligence, called Samantha.

Samantha the OS, of course, and lives inside his computer.

While there are many short little lines in the movie that made me laugh (such as “falling in love is a form of socially acceptable insanity”) there was one interesting.

This man ventures off to a hideaway cabin in the woods, in deep snow. Inside this cabin is warmth, light, movement, safety, a hot kettle. Outside the cold is bitter, the snow so deep it’s way above his knees.

In this scene, the man is alone, apparently, with a body. But his mind is talking, connecting, laughing with his operating system. He’s thrilled to go on this adventure into the wild, out of the city and away from daily life.

One of his friends had pointed out that he was man on the outside but woman on the inside. True, when you consider he has this very powerful and loud female voice in his ear.

And what’s it like when WE go somewhere by ourselves? When we go to a cabin, or a room, or on a walk, or even reading a book, or writing on a computer?

Is there not a Voice, or several voices, talking?

Don’t you sometimes long for one voice to rise above the others that feels loving, kind, that knows you well and is imminently and unconditionally concerned with your best interests, and with understanding you, and who sees the world as a wonderful place to explore?

Because the thoughts that we are bad for ourselves, or we make “bad” decisions, or that the world is detached or dangerous, are often unbelievably painful. Also heavy, depressing and lonely.

Then on top of the mean, vicious self-critical thoughts, we’ll also feel guilty that we’re having those thoughts at all.

When Those Mean Voices are inside the cabin with us, who the heck wants to go hang out in a cabin in the snow, right??

But a really loving, intimate, supportive voice that asks questions, listens, offers answers, and wants to explore….that kind of inner voice is luscious.

And that’s the voice that you can bring to The Work.

Wait. Before you start thinking you don’t HAVE an inner gorgeous OS that’s just right for you….let’s consider with The Work.

Say you are freaked out, anxious, enraged, abandoned, full of despair, horrified, frightened….

Well, there’s a voice talkin’ and it may not be the most supportive one you’ve ever tapped into. It may be the worry wart, or the one that believes in violence as a motivator. It probably believes that something has to change, maybe drastically, or else….

  • I’m too self-critical
  • I sabotage myself
  • I’m my own worst enemy
  • I’m too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I should be more confident
  • I can’t stop “x”
  • I can’t stay motivated
  • I’m an idiot

So, is it true?

Yeah. I’ve been here over and over again. Just the fact that I repeat negative self-criticism is idiotic. It’s true.

Are you sure?

Well. First of all, who are you referring to, this “I” that is an idiot? This “I” that can’t stop, that isn’t confident, and is flawed?

Is all of you too greedy, quiet, selfish, addictive, or upset? Are you sure you’re the ruin of yourself?

No.

Even if you answered “yes”, keep going.

How do you react when you believe you are “x” and it must stop? How do you react when you think you are flawed, and need to snap out of it, get a clue?

I thought this over and over again when I had an eating disorder all those years ago. I believed I shouldn’t binge, smoke, drink, or harm myself.

Whip, whip, whip.

When I believed these thoughts, one way I reacted was that I thought finding a Nice Voice would be a huge relief. I believed that kind, loving voice was somewhere else, not here.

It’s kind of needy, seriously.

Who would you be without the thought that you are too “x”? That you have a mean inner voice? Or that you are needy?

Without the thought that you need to fix this ridiculous being that you are….

….you may just stop, puzzled, curious, waiting.

Without the thought that you are a jerk, or needy, you may find that you’re open to NOT having the company of anyone except YOU.

You may find yourself to be quite interesting. Fascinating. You may like empty space, silence, other people, and be basically fine with what happens.

I turn the thoughts around and feel them, and find examples:

  • I’m NOT too self-critical
  • I save myself
  • I’m my own best friend
  • I’m NOT too (quiet, greedy, addictive, nervous)
  • I shouldn’t be more confident
  • I can stop “x”
  • I can stay motivated
  • I’m brilliant

Could these be just as true, or truer?

Yes. And you can feel them. Find the benefits of being these things that you were considering to be flaws.

You’re not even sure what this “I” is, so maybe suddenly the goofiness of that might come clear. If the other Mean “I” is evident, the equal and opposite Loving “I” is also evident, in this world of duality.

Who would you be right now in this moment if you were your own best friend?

And what if you don’t even need your own friendship? Are you still breathing?

“Your inner voice guides you all day long to do simple things such as brush your teeth, drive to work, call your friend, or do the dishes. Even though it’s just another story, it’s a very short story, and when you follow the direction of the voice, that story ends. We are really alive when we live as simply as that open, waiting, trusting, and loving to do what appears in front of us now.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’d like to get on a telegroup call three times per month and have a collective committee of voices all of whom are supporting your operating system (or dismantling your critical beliefs)….then come join YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love, Grace

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The Delusion of Being In Charge

Only 10 days until YOI Year of Inquiry JOY. Read the details HERE.

Quite some time ago I either read or heard somewhere the story of the little sailboat that represents one’s own life trajectory. You may have heard this same little metaphor….

If you were a little boat sailing across the wide expanse of life, the huge open ocean, every little tiny choice or movement, during any single day, points your sailboat in a certain direction.

In a journey across the open sea, the captain, or the person at the helm, would be doing all that was necessary to stay on course.

You know where you’re going. You’re on the way. All your gizmos and gadgets are pointed to THAT country…the one you think you’re aiming for.

The story told is that your wee boat, even if it changes course one-half of one degree, will wind up in another country altogether.

The shift of one-half of one degree is imperceptible today. The boat looks like it’s in the water, pointed in the same direction, with no apparent change.

But over time, if there is a new ever so slight new course taken….

….one enters different territory.

Now, the way I like this story, that feels very positive and fun, is that there needs to be no massive “change” right now to wind up somewhere completely different.

No gigantic shift, no nervous breakdown, no wild shift of consciousness, no completely mind-bending mind-altering state, no lottery winning, no explosion of awareness, no stunning awakening, no tragedies (unless there are).

No.

Just a little tiny butterfly flutter of something…different.

For me, The Work has more often been like this than like some dramatic change.

The first question alone…Is It True?….is pause for a deep breath.

Could what I am believing, in this moment, be false? If I think it’s true, am I sure? Am I completely positive that in that past uncomfortable situation, I wasn’t safe, it should have gone differently, or that it went horribly for me?

Was I actually a victim of unfortunate circumstances?

And what is happening now, in this moment? Am I OK? Is peace possible, with what is going on? Is love present, even if things seem pretty rough?

Has this happened to others in the human race, and they made it through?

Because here’s my reality of loss: my father died fairly young of leukemia, my marriage fell apart, I lost my beautiful house and all my savings and money, I got a cancerous tumor on my right leg (that bloody right leg), a dear friend made a shocking false accusation, I was bulimic long ago and suicidal, I lied to one of my favorite people in the world, I was too insecure to go to medical school.

In every single one of those instances….and many more that I didn’t even list….I carried on.

I’m still here. Right?

The world is a dangerous place, bad things happen, suffering occurs….is it true?

YES. It’s TRUE! I have suffered! Other people suffer! Awful things happen! Its an unfriendly universe!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that I have 100% suffered? Or is it my mind that has suffered? Am I certain that I am a victim, caught in a ridiculous chaotic tragedy?

Could there be another possibility? Could reality be friendly?

I am not saying to think positively or fakey fake smiles. This is not a Lets-See-The-Bright-Side exercise.

In those dreadful situations, it appears that great loss happened.

But honestly, I am not absolutely fundamentally sure that there isn’t something more, something different than the usual way I’ve looked at All This. Or something less. Or something beyond my usual conditioned way of looking.

I can’t be 100% sure. Even if I think I’m sure, in one more moment, things could change.

Who would you be without the thought that your come-to-Jesus moment, as they say, is a horrendous, good-for-nothing moment, that there is no peace possible when something difficult happens?

“Thought tells us who we are; what we believe; what is right and wrong; what we should feel; what is true and what is false; and how we fit into this event called “life.” We literally create ourselves and our lives out of thought. Further, we associate the end of thought with sleep, unconsciousness, or death. It is this very personal relationship with thought that is the cause of all the fear, ignorance, and suffering which characterizes the human condition, and which destroys the manifestation of true Love in this life.” ~ Adyashanti 

All I know is that right now, in this present moment, without the belief that all those bad things MEAN that life sucks and is filled with suffering….

….I notice I am in a room, sitting on a small white leather couch in my cute little cottage, feeling my body relax and touch the air and space around it.

I think of upcoming events with relaxation, gentleness, joy, excitement.

I see that when I was lying in bed after my cancer surgery, (and my more recent surgery), and sitting on a chair during my divorce process, and sleeping horribly when my dad was dying, and feeling sick to my stomach when I sold my former house, and having to give away or sell every piece of furniture, and having nothing left but $10 in my bank account….

….and I realize that the next day, the sun came up (OK sort of, I live in Seattle) and an infinite number of things happened just beyond my awareness.

Just past the thoughts.

There was open ocean out there, but I didn’t need to see it, until I did.

I didn’t even need to know it was there. It was.

“It doesn’t matter what symbols we use – poverty, loneliness, loss – it’s the concepts of good and bad that we attach to them that make us suffer…..People who know there’s no hope are free; decisions are out of their hands. It has always been that way, but some people have to die bodily to find out. No wonder they smile on their death beds. Dying is everything they were looking for in life: they’ve given up the delusion of being in charge. When there’s no choice, there’s no fear.” ~ Byron Katie

Could everything I ever wanted be here now, in this moment?

Kindness, peace, love, rest, surrender, freedom.

I know The Work brings this state of mind (or lack of mind) to my experience over and over again.

And now, wherever this little sailboat is headed, it’s gonna be good.

Because NOW is good.

If you’d like something to DO with those troubling stressful, disturbing thoughts, and the power you may tend to give your thinking….then come join YOI. It starts March 7th.

Much love,

Grace

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Guide For People Having Trouble Doing The Work

I’ve written a little guidebook for folks who aren’t really sure how to do The Work in a way that feels deeply beneficial.

Maybe it feels like it’s all up in your head, and not sinking down into your body…

….maybe it seems too complicated, too mental, and you’re not sure how questioning your story would change your life…

….maybe it makes you more confused or anxious than you were before you were trying to identify and question what you’re thinking.

Help! My mind is racing! How do I stop and do The Work??

Sometimes people in the Eating Peace class REALLY feel like this, since they may be looking at that urge to reach for something to soothe, avoid, diminish or change their uncomfortable FEELINGS.

Any compulsive or addictive process feels like this. EMERGENCY! I must DO THIS NOW!

Other people who don’t have addictions to substances at all feel this way sometimes, too. The feeling of stress, in whatever form or level, can be painful!

I’m anxious, nervous, sad, discouraged, unpredictable….I know what I’m FEELING….but I don’t know what I’m actually THINKING, so how can I follow the steps to take it to inquiry?

Well, hopefully this guide will help.

In it I write about four pillars, as I called them (I know, not terribly original, but a good foundation for a house after all, you know?)

Here they are: CONNECT, FEEL, BOND, IMAGINE.

If you’re a strong feeler, like me, and you want to find out what I mean by these four pillars, check out the guide.

If I can be of service around this process of inquiry, and the movement every human has towards awakening, freedom and love, then I hope this little book is useful.

Click HERE To Get Four-Pillar Guide To Doing The Work.

Forward this link to share it with friends and family.

Using these four elements really helped me deeply experience the impact of self-inquiry.

The “Bond” step is setting up your life so that you have connected contact with others doing the same work. This has been a very powerful way that I’ve stayed in inquiry, when I may not have done it on my own.

If joining with a group for weekly telecalls sounds awesome, we start a year of month-to-month inquiry, a different topic every month, on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time.

To read about all the topics and what the program offers, click HERE.

“Inquiry appears to be a process of thinking, but actually it’s a way to undo thinking. Thoughts lose their power over us when we realize that they simply appear in the mind. They’re not personal. Through The Work, instead of escaping or suppressing our 
thoughts, we learn to meet them with unconditional love and understanding.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

 

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Is The Universe Giving You What You Need?

Yesterday was my first day back on the dance floor since my leg got sewn back together!

Oh the joy, the beauty, the people, the music, the movement, the fun of dancing!!

But I have a big confession to make.

Last year when I was inspired to begin this fun Saturday morning open free-form dance with my husband….

….in my head was a picture of a whole room full of awesome people dancing together, sweatin’, singing, being themselves no matter what age or ability.

We had called tons of studios, big room, or spaces where people could easily dance.

Over and over the same question: Are you available Saturday mornings?

Hardly ever available. Aerobics classes, Nia classes, kung fu, tai chi, lessons, groups, salsa. No, we only do our own classes, no we don’t rent space on Saturdays, no we don’t know anywhere else you could try.

Rats.

And then…it turned out because of cuts in city funding, a city community center that was normally never open on Saturdays WOULD be available for a pretty high fee. Like the highest fee of anyplace we had ever called.

Ok. What the heck. Let’s do it. We need 20 people to break even. No problem.

I really thought, absolutely no problem. There will probably be 30 people there, maybe even 40 or 50, on the first day.

It was a winter, drizzly, cold, early February Saturday morning. A good day to dance!

After several visits to the community center dance hall to scope it all out, gather our sound equipment and music together, get dance cards made, set up the room, and sign rental agreements…..my husband and I returned with anticipation, excitement and a little adrenaline in our hearts.

Finally! Our first free-form dance, open to everyone! Soooooo exciting!!

Everything was ready. Doors opened at 10 am!

The clock ticked past 10:15 am.

No one.

I began to get a fearful sensation in my stomach. 10:20 am.

No one.

OMG. This is like having a party, inviting friends, and no one showing up. A worst nightmare. Like a high school movie. The geek has a birthday party and no one comes.

This is sad.

My heart was sinking. My mind started racing.

Oh so, so wonderful to have The Work. To notice when stress, fear, pain, anxiety, discomfort of any kind presented itself within me…and know what to do with it.

Feel it.

Ask it what it thinks is true….that is NOT really in truly true?

  • we are losers
  • we screwed up
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, but they don’t
  • we’ve made a mistake
  • this is terrible, a disaster
  • this is embarrassing
  • I can’t dance today after all

Then a good friend appeared. ONE good friend. She was here to help. (Although there was no one to help, no lines, no crowds, no people pouring in–ha ha).

Then another good friend appeared who had promised to come.

Are you serious? I think I’m going to throw up. 

10:25, past time to start the music.

My very optimistic and happy husband, who seemed to not be worried about this situation whatsoever, started our music set, right at about the same time as two more people came.

We all began to dance. All six of us.

And the work was starting to work itself in me. I could see the part of me that was five years old flailing on the floor with disappointment.

Two more people showed up…but that was the Grand Total for the morning.

Is it true? Is it true? Are you sure this is a terrible disastrous event, worthy of embarrassment? Are you sure you can’t feel the inspiration to dance?

No. I’m dancing right now. I’m moving. If I were alone in my living room, this is how I would move….and I love this movement.

Is it true that we are losers, that no one wants to be with us, that this means that we made a mistake, that we are ashamed?

No. I can’t know that any of that is true.

Do we need other people to be here to have fun? Does anyone need any other person with them to express joy? Do any of us need a companion, of any kind, in order to be happy?

No. Wow. No.

Who would I be without the thought that 20 or more people should be here? That since they are not here, this is shameful, uncomfortable, difficult, or something wrong with me?

Dancing. Noticing how much I love the space, the trees through the gigantic window, the music.

Everything on its own trajectory, its own timing.

I need a crowd, is it true? No.

I turn the thoughts around, in the middle of dancing:

  • we are winners
  • we did it beautifully, perfectly for this moment
  • we thought people wanted to dance with us, and they do
  • we’ve made a correction
  • this is wonderful, a miracle
  • this is a blessing, good fortune, something to be proud of
  • I can dance!

I suddenly realized that this moment was just like being single and stood up on a date….if I could enjoy being there all by myself, with deep joy….I would never “need” a partner again.

What a relief.

Whomever showed up would be like icing on the cake.

Ahhhhh, a powerful lesson. A test of faith.

I couldn’t have paid for a workshop or personal coaching or business coaching or accessed connection to leadership, power, and unconditional love for this moment in any better way.

I had to see it for myself, I had to feel the dance right here, with these six people who came (plus husband). I was not alone, I was not in need, I did not have to hide, I was making a correction in what I thought was necessary to be happy.

Holy Smokes!

“When all struggle ceases, there is nothing to bind us to a distorted perception of existence and we can finally see. What we see is that we do not simply exist within existence, but all of existence exists within us as well. And although everywhere we look we see the endless diversity of life, we also now see our own true face in everything under the sun.” ~ Adyashanti

 Yesterday, a year later, 26 people came to our Saturday morning dance. Just the right amount. No more, no less. Just the perfect combination of people. More and more every week over time. More and more, steady, showing up, celebrating, expressing.

“Imagine….no one shows up…look around the room. It’s empty…You like silence. You have time out of your schedule to sit, be still, and do your own work. You could probably use some time, right? Look around that room, are you OK? You’re the one that matters…YOU’RE the one…..The universe will give you what you need against your best thought.” ~ Byron Katie

Without any stressful thoughts….all that can be said, is thank you, thank you. How absolutely amazing.

And the exciting vision of 50 people dancing together on a rainy Saturday morning—still here!

Much love,

Grace

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To Act Or Do The Work–Is That The Question?

Not long ago I was listening to a lecture on my laptop. The screen kept freezing and doing a spinney wheel and I’d hack away at emails in my Inbox on another screen….

…but I kept listening to the recording.

Then, I heard the voice of the speaker say something that made me pause a moment. 

She said “don’t you just get sick of looking at your limiting beliefs all the time? Heck, just take action.” 

(Scrape…….did you hear the rewind sound?)

I had to chuckle.

Because on first read-through…moving through and doing The Work is all about looking at limiting beliefs….

….uncomfortable, disappointing, frightening, aggravating beliefs.

We’re looking, investigating, exploring this (apparently) internal world.

It’s true that there appears to be no guidance about action. No rules or ideas about what to do or when to do it.

But here’s what I’ve noticed about action and believing: both of these experiences or “things” HAPPEN.

It’s not exactly natural to sit still and never take action. It’s not natural to constantly take action and never sit still.

If you just sat all the time writing out The Work, or getting facilitated, or concluding that since you are not feeling happy, you must question your thoughts 24/7 until this changes…

…none of us would last very long. And it would be virtually impossible.

Even when I’ve been looking at my beliefs about situations and people in my life, I’ve been going about my business…cleaning house, picking up kids, writing the book, sleeping, doing dishes, meeting with clients, teaching classes, working out at the gym, healing from my leg getting cut off, eating lunch.

(OK OK, the leg wasn’t cut off, I had surgery on a badly torn hamstring).

But I really love the idea that this dynamic speaker had about moving, acting, energy: sometimes, heck, just go for it!!

Sometimes, even if you are really nervous, feeling totally awkward, uncertain, uncomfortable, terrified, indecisive, do-it-anyway. 

The thing is, the more I do The Work and get down into the gritty dark recesses of my greatest fears, the more actions and energy appear to be freed up.

I take about 1000% more efficient, fun action than I used to. Before, I’d spend so much time in my head analyzing, ruminating, perseverating…

…I hardly let anything sink below the neck.

And my actions, when I believed my fearful thoughts, were very defensive, protective….like when a little bunny rabbit is trying to run across the open highway with cars zooming both ways at 70 miles per hour.

Major random emergency chaos! And who the heck knows if the bunny ends up on the other side of the highway!

When I’ve spent time in meditation, quiet, feeling, being, doing The Work, contemplating…

…my actions sink down into the entire body and even spread out into the universe.

If I think that I SHOULD take action, I get a little paralyzed and frustrated. If I think I SHOULDN’T take action, I get a little paralyzed and frustrated. Ha!

And….I love what that speaker said that suggested watching the experience of staying inside the mind, thinking, without bustin’ a move.

“I need to wait before I take action on x, y or z”.

If it’s stressful to wait…then yes, take it to The Work!

Is that true that you need to wait? That you need to be careful? That you need to gather more info before trying it?

Yes. I really want to make the best move possible. I have to weigh it out, pull together all the information, find the “right” answer.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that you need to wait?

No.

How do you react when you believe you need to wait?

My head almost explodes with finding the perfect answer. I practically forget I have a body. I talk to other people and hash it over.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to wait?

Jumping! Dancing! Entering the heat!

Willing to see what happens next, with no mental plans. Making an offer, asking for what I want, connecting with others, feeling delighted with what I love.

Trusting what will be. Surrendering to what is. Having a universe that’s waaaaaaay bigger than me. Peaceful, steady, quiet, joyful.

I turn the thought around: I do not need to wait, I can take action. 

I’ve noticed when I have no right and wrong, when it’s not possible to make a mistake anymore, when I’ve questioned my assumptions…

…more possibilities spring forth. The creativity is almost so great, I’m bursting with ideas.

I’m not making any action happen, it’s happening of its own accord.

Everything moving with balance. Sometimes sound asleep, sometimes wide awake.

“It’s a curious place to be (especially in the beginning) not to be driven by anything–pleasure or displeasure, helping or hurting, loving or hating. The only thing that will move you (and I don’t mean to be too poetic about this) is the same thing that moves a leaf hanging from a tree. It’s simply because the breeze blows that way. So you always know what to do: The breeze blows that way, and that’s the way you go. You don’t ask questions anymore. You don’t evaluate why the breeze is blowing that way because you know that you don’t know why. And you know you can’t know why. There’s never been a leaf anywhere that knows why the wind blows that way on that day at that moment.” ~ Adyashanti 

I don’t really know if I need to question my thoughts, or move, or go left or right. All I do know is that when I’m freakin’ out, I am believing in things that scare me and it hurts. In that situation, there’s no peace.

When I’m peaceful (and oddly, this includes being OK with feeling afraid) life is so much more fun.  

“There are two ways to live your life, one is stressed out, one is not. One hurts, one doesn’t.” ~ Byron Katie  

In the present moment, I act, I move, I am still, I do The Work…who knows until I get there. No way to know why or how or when, until now.

If you do notice that you’d like to set aside 90 minutes a week for group inquiry together, and see how that affects the action you take in your life (or non-action) then come on board on Fridays 9-10:30 am pacific time for a Year of Inquiry.

The Closeness in Inquiry

“I was just thinking about how much I love all you amazing people in our group. It’s funny that I feel so much closer to you than I do many of my friends!” ~ YOI participant

Much love,

Grace

 

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If It Weren’t For My Flaws–I Wouldn’t Be Here

A darling inquirer connected with me on skype at our usual hour. She was in her hot, tropical, southern hemisphere…me in my cool, wet, green pacific northwest.

She had begun her personal facilitated inquiry with me because her career felt boring, blase. Like coasting.

She wanted more excitement, accomplishment, and pleasure in her life. And she had a really good-paying job and a nice house.

But she was stuck between imagination of this bigger, dreamier, exciting future….and feeling like she didn’t want to ruffle things up too much, shake her stable life too loose, burn out, have no free time.

“I get home after a long day’s work, I think about writing my book, making more money, visiting foreign places, connecting with friends….but then I feel tired. So I eat. And watch TV. And research on the internet.”

I wondered if she was afraid of something. Stuck between doing and not doing. Not liking this here, the way it is, and not liking what she might have to do to get away from this conundrum.

Fear can sometimes show up in subtle ways.

Nothing huge has to happen. There’s no trauma, no explosion, no dramatic change.

But there is a holding on, wanting guarantees, not liking it to get too uncertain or precarious…..

….like for me when my part-time job had ended, and it looked like I would need a full time job instead. Because I might be getting a divorce.

I couldn’t live on part-time income (IF I wanted to pay for my house, car, phone, groceries and heat).

I was sitting in my living room. The couch was an old brown, run down worn couch that was a fancy Brazilian furniture designers couch in the 1960s, in my parents’ house.

Now I was living on the borrowed, hand-me-down furniture from the same house in which I grew up. It used to be designer. Now, it was threadbare and uncomfortable.

Like my thinking.

I really should have planned better financially.

I should have gotten a job sooner, after giving birth to my kids. I should have picked a career more clearly. I should have gone to medical school like I considered. I shouldn’t have been too nervous to go to med school, or too much of a mess. I should have not been so innocently relying on other peoples’ incomes, like my soon-to-be-former husband.

The thoughts of self-criticism and all the ways I might have prevented this predicament piled up on me like a mountain of garbage.

You’re an idiot. You’re too mean. You’re too critical, bossy, lazy, opinionated.

If only you weren’t so flawed, you wouldn’t be in this position.

Ouch.

My client had many volumes of thoughts about herself being lazy, worthless, insignificant, small, a failure, pointless, wrong, immature, burdened.

Just like me and my own thoughts….they’re like a fire hose and full volume, all aimed at protecting and preventing pain.

Back then, sitting on that old 1960s couch wondering if I could sell it….I had The Work questions, thank goodness.

I asked myself, or it just came to me because I was doing The Work a lot, “who would you be without these thoughts of self-hate?”

Without trying to stab myself with a knife (with mean words) who would I be, right now, knowing I wanted more money….or a more exciting life, a more adventurous life, an untethered life, a more creative life?

Stop and think about it.

When I asked my client this thought….she was very quiet for a long time.

“I would sit here and wait, I guess. I wouldn’t have an inner battle with doing and not doing. I would be more relaxed. I would notice that I like many things in my life, and think about doing more.”

Without the thought that I am incapable, or unworthy, or stupid…I feel very innocent. I feel like I absolutely love this moment, this day.

Strange, but without the thought that I should have prevented this moment, that where I am is my fault, I’m more in the present.

And how do I treat this universe, my world, the way of this reality, when I do not buy those self-flagellating thoughts?

If I couldn’t believe that I am a bad person, in any way, or that I can’t handle what’s happening, that I’m not enough for myself…I notice that my whole entire body and nervous system relaxes.

“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens…..You can’t force this process; you can only inquire and find out what’s true.” ~ Byron Katie

My client breathed a very deep breath and considered who she would be in that moment upon arriving home after her work day without the thought that she should work on her book, or she shouldn’t feel tired, or she should DO something different….or that she should be less critical, more loving, careful, brave.

Laughter rose out of her, and we were both laughing.

The following week, she reported that for no apparent reason, she had worked a total of six hours on her book, cleaned out her closet, bought a vacuum replacement part, looked at maps of San Diego where she had thought about moving for years, and eaten less.

She had also thoroughly enjoyed watching some TV.

“Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie 

Who are you, without the thought that you have to do something, be someone, think something, say something, feel something DIFFERENT than you feel….in order to be “good” and earn your own love?

I know I keep sayin’ it…but if you want help with this from month-to-month with a small group with facilitation to keep you looking at what you dislike in your life, including YOUR (APPARENT) FLAWS…come join Year of Inquiry.

Much love,

Grace

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When In Doubt–Lean Inside

Have you ever pondered a decision, flipped back and forth, written lists of pros and cons, agonized, consulted others on what to do?

Just about all of us have done this at least one time: what will be my major, should I go to that school, is breaking up with him a good idea, should I stay, when is the best time to start that program, is this place or that place better, do I choose the blue one or the pink one?

How can I decide? Yowsers!!

Even if you don’t have much trouble “making” decisions….

…you’ve probably had at least one biggie that took more than five minutes to make.

In one of the sweet and powerful YOI (Year of Inquiry) Groups recently, one of our participants asked if they could bring a new friend to the in-person weekend retreat.

The people of YOI meet for these twice a year, unless someone YOI lives miles and miles away (England, Toronto, Michigan, New York, Hawaii….although one member is traveling from Florida…I think distance may be less important than we THINK).

I had to stop and consider the question.

Can someone in YOI bring a friend to just the retreat?

My process: check in with gut, still uncertain, call the requester and have a conversation, still uncertain, hear from other members of the group, still uncertain, consult a wise and detached mentor, still uncertain.

And then….holding the whole group in mind and deeply feeling what is created here with people committing, joining, investing, and being a part of something for a whole year…

…I knew the answer was No.

But oh! I could disappoint the wonderful inquirer who made the request!

Hand wringing, hand wringing.

If you have known that you needed to say “no” to someone, no matter how incredible they are, then you know it’s not personal.

Saying “no”, deciding not to go for it, taking the left turn not the right turn, saying goodbye, quitting that job, telling them “thank you, and no”….

….these are powerful moments. You may not know what you are moving towards, you simply know you are moving away….

It was a very early spring, almost violently bright sunny morning in February in Colorado. My dorm room was warm, the high mountain air dry. I quietly packed my final clothing into my suitcase under my bed.

My roommate was already gone, working out early before she went to church.

A dear young man, Sean, who had carved a beautiful wooden GRACE by hand for me for my recent 19th birthday, was waiting for me in the parking lot in his mom and dad’s station wagon. The smoke formed clouds from the tail pipe.

I had met Sean at the local church youth group in town, off campus.

For all the months here at school, I had tried hard to have fun.

I had tried to work hard, but I was having a nervous breakdown, or a life-break-down, I didn’t know what. I was at the church youth group every Wednesday and Sunday with people and families who didn’t know me from the college. I couldn’t concentrate on my classes. I was obsessing about food worse and worse.

Now Sean was driving me to the airport.

That day, I knew to leave. I knew to head home, to Seattle. Where the sun wasn’t so blinding. And neither were my thoughts.

That was a very, very hard decision.

I was leaving an excellent, high-level small liberal arts college in one of the most beautiful places in the country.

Sometimes, saying No is life-changing and dramatic, and twists you up in knots.

What a grand place for The Work.

Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say NO? Is it true that I shouldn’t or should say YES? Is it true that I need to decide? Is it true that I could make a mistake?

Help Help Warning Warning!!

(Sound effects: Big Honking Fire Alarms Going With Red Lights Flashing!)

Are you sure this is “difficult” and are you sure you don’t really know which way to move?

No. I do know.

“What you start to get used to, very subtly at first, is almost like an inward leaning. There’s an inward leaning, one way or the other. You just feel that the Infinite is inclining toward one direction. Then your mind wants to know, “I feel it is going in that direction. Is that the right direction? Is that true? Is it all going to work out for me?” The interesting thing about the way the Infinite moves is it never answers those questions, does it?” ~ Adyashanti  

Who would I be without the thought that it’s hard to decide, or it’s difficult to say no (or yes), or that something bad will happen, or that mistakes could be made, or that you have to decide NOW!?

Peaceful, very quiet, hearing in the silence the way to lean.

Willing to pause, be gentle. Feel.

Feeling loving kindness and care arise as a leader, a gatekeeper (in this YOI story).

Turning the thoughts around….there is no past and no future, no need to THINK heavily, with effort, nervousness, anxiety.

No expectations, no analysis here, I am present. I say one thing, I say another the next day. Things unroll the way they need to, gathering the input, all in the right timing, everything unfolding.

You will know when deciding happens, or change, or turning back, or moving forward.

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future. When there are no decisions to make, there’s no planned future.” ~ Byron Katie

Wow. With no future….ahhhhhhh…letting life have you. 

To come join our YOI family, click here. Yes, it’s a whole year, a new topic every month. Telegroups on Fridays 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. Email grace@workwithgrace.com to have a conversation and learn more.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Wiping Away That Sweet Dream In The Future

I noticed a joyful zing of excitement and happiness flash through my chest the other day when thinking about the upcoming in-person March retreat for Year of Inquiry folks.

We’ll be gathering in a month for the weekend, in Seattle.

Not everyone has met, maybe they’ve only known one another from our phone calls together, or maybe they are brand new and just starting in a few weeks on the journey.

But all of them will be coming together to question their thinking, to investigate their consciousness, their beliefs, their mindset, their complaints.

It’s intimate and vulnerable. The goal is unknown.

The hopes are sometimes huge: making it through divorce, finding a meaningful career, finding balance in the body like weight loss, quitting an addictive process, finding ease with our children and being an awesome rockin’ parent, finding a mate, making more money, eliminating anger, or fear.

People have their dreams and desires, and so does everyone in YOI. And many others.

I do too.

I’ve mentioned before that I’m a bit of an (extreme) introvert. However, I adore people. I’m good all day long without ever talking with a soul, I sort of lean that way naturally.

Nevertheless, connecting with humanity is very important to me.

Being a good facilitator of the group process, of a group organism or a family, being an effective leader, is really, really meaningful for me.

It’s my Mama Grace nature coming out.

So I have a confession to make.

I sometimes worry about my clients, my program attendees, the people in YOI, my classes….

….I want people to feel the joy of being held while they find what is just right for them on their journey, of being supported even though they are in many ways alone on their unique adventure.

I want them to feel this incredible joy of moving in their life fearlessly…even if they feel afraid sometimes (which I guess means it’s not fear-less, right?)

Sometimes this feeling has a little edge of angst.

I hope they are finding what they need, what they’re looking for. I hope they shine, I hope they take off like a rocket ship and discover who they are is dynamite!

Parents often inwardly hope this for their kids.

Best friends hope this for each other.

And what happens if the person whom you hope finds what they are looking for….doesn’t?

An excellent place for inquiry, don’t you agree?

  • I hope he feels safe, secure, comfortable, thrilled
  • I hope she feels loved, cherished, powerful, deserving
  • I hope they feel excited, bonded, content, connected
  • I hope we feel thrilled, touched, moved, evolved

How do I react when I hope for these things….and they don’t seem to be manifesting?

Humph.

Just a wee bit full of waiting. Not quite HERE.

I’m talking about the part that’s a small voice, but slightly full of wanting for these end results to occur.

Like the little kid that says “Come on everybody! I want everyone to be happy!”

A memory, an image, returns of wanting my dad to be joyful and no longer depressed, of wanting my mom to be thrilled instead of angry.

But who would I be without the these thoughts of hope?

Ahhhh….if there was no hope….

What could be wonderful about that? 

“When you become a lover of what is, there are no more decisions to make. In my life, I just wait and watch. I know that the decision will be made in its own time, so I let go of when, where, and how. I like to say I’m a woman with no future…..For forty-three years, I was always buying in to my stories about the future, buying in to my insanity.” ~ Byron Katie  

Without the thought of any hope for the future, for myself or for anyone, I enter the complete unknown.

I have a sense of happiness about the upcoming retreat, mystery, openness, and joy NOW, in this moment.

Without hope for anyone, or for me, I feel the destruction, the end of something…and the end of neediness, urgency, grabbing.

Deep breath.

This is fine, here, this reality, this now.

“Overcompensating is a way to avoid all of that and to dream a sweet dream that somewhere, someday down the road, all the pain will be wiped away.  But in that dream of getting somewhere, you avoid the pain as it arises in your experience right now or that pain or fear that might arise if you begin to see through your dream of future and your mental certainty.” ~ Scott Kiloby 

I turn the thoughts around:

  • Right now he feels unsafe, insecure, uncomfortable and frightened
  • Right now she feels unloved, dismissed, powerless, undeserving
  • Right now I myself feel bored, separate, discontent, disconnected
  • Right now we feel scared, unmotivated, unmoved, unevolved

This is what is here…can I be with this person in pain, can I be with myself in pain…without hoping it will change?

Yes.

“So the very thing you seek keeps you from the awareness of what you already have.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you’re interested in exploring, for no apparently hopeful reason, your internal world….

….join Year of Inquiry starting March 7th. I have no idea if it will solve everyone’s problems, but I do know, the journey is strange, unexpected, and magnificent.

Right now.

Much love, Grace