Month: February 2014

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Inquiry Brings Me Closer

The other day, a familiar event happened. I was waiting for my son for an hour while he had an appointment.

I was in a comfortable, bright waiting room, with several people reading magazines and books, sitting in soft gray chairs. The lights were glowing bright, while outside the Seattle rain was falling.

Someone asked me, after trading the reason we were waiting for family members…“so what do you do?”

Jeez. What to say.

I ask people questions, I help people with stress reduction, I’m like a counselor only different, I offer a form of personal inquiry, I facilitate misery-reduction using the mind, I offer mindful questioning of painful thinking, I help people change their lives by asking them questions about their own thinking.

Out loud I said…”have you heard of The Work of Byron Katie”?

No, she had not.

No one else in the waiting room looked up from their magazines, or had any looks of recognition.

OK, back to Option #1.

Sometimes a smile breaks over someone’s face as they recognize the work, or they’ve read Loving What Is. Then there is no need to explain.

But really….once I say that I work with people by asking them questions and allowing them to discover what is true for themselves when it comes to their stressful or painful thinking…

…then almost everyone finds it curious, interesting, and they want to know more.

Or they say “I could use some of that!”

The thing is, even for someone who has never, ever heard of The Work, this type of deep personal inquiry has been practiced for centuries, in varying formats.

Almost every single person has wondered why some things are the way they are, why they behave this way, why other people behave or think that way….and what is going ON around here (on planet earth)?

Humanity adores a good question.

It brings out the most wonderful, profound answers. And good questions bring alive a movement of looking, creativity, pondering, wondering, sharing conversation.

But when you aren’t sure of the answer…or your brain takes off into coldesacs and dead ends…

…you can easily give up.

All you know is, you feel pain, you feel worried, afraid, or very sad, and one of the most natural things to do is try to feel better ASAP.

Distract yourself! Do something pleasurable! Change the channel!

The last thing you want to do is get asked a bunch of personal, deep, hard-to-answer questions.

And yet….I had nothing left to do but to answer these questions when I was so fearful about many things in life.

Having The Work gave me a simple plan. It gave my fast mind a job.

Here, oh mind, go at it. Take a look. Find out what’s being assumed here and take it away.

The very first question in the series known as The Work is this:

Is It True?

This question alone can stop that panicking mind that never considered this before.

The Work might be four questions, and then finding turnarounds for your painful, stressful, disturbing thoughts and mindset…but it’s not that easy to “get” in five minutes.

It’s kinda complicated!

“After doing The Work, many people report an immediate sense of release and freedom from thoughts that were making them miserable. But if The Work depended on a momentary experience, it would be far less useful than it is. The Work is an ongoing and deepening process of self-realization, not a quick fix.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (husband to Byron Katie)

After I got introduced to The Work, I knew I loved it.

And I still didn’t do it regularly. Can’t I just rest, just stop, just relax?

Yes. That’s the whole point, in the end.

But try to tell the fearful, sad or angry mind to rest, stop and relax. Have you noticed how it doesn’t really understand how?

Or it CAN’T??!

But for me, and for many others, giving my stressful thoughts some questions to answer wound up doing just that…

…slowing everything down, reducing fear, diminishing pain, making things quieter….

…and sometimes, stopping the mind altogether from it’s penchant for stressful, negative, nervous thinking.

“We are entering the dimension where we have control–the inside.” ~ Byron Katie  

If you have found that you are intrigued by eliminating your troubled thoughts, by changing your own mindset, by altering your automatic responses to what happens in your world….

….then you may have discovered how exciting it is to do The Work.

But it takes practice, attention, time (or so it seems) and a willingness to look inside and see what’s going on inside your own head to understand your stressful emotions.

After some time of catching on to The Work, I realized just like all the other things I’ve ever loved doing in my life with joy, that I needed to schedule it, set aside time.

Otherwise…I kinda got around to it LATER.

Or only in big crisis, when I was crying, hurt, furious or traumatized.

I wanted not only stress relief, I wanted true freedom.

Freedom from believing all my difficult, frightened thoughts.

The only way I could accomplish this was to get with other people, schedule partner time, sign up for a class, connect with a group to do The Work.

And that’s what I still do now….almost ten years later.

I gather with other people, I have a partner facilitate me, I get a conversation going with my own mind so I can get in touch constantly with my inner world and freeing myself the confines of my own mindset.

I don’t want to be just a conditioned reactive person with no ability to stop, rest and relax.

Will you join me?

Our next Year of Inquiry group begins March 7th, Friday mornings 9-10:30 am pacific time.

We meet via telecalls, 3 times a month, and have an email forum and a different topic every single month: our parents, relationships, money, the body, sickness, pain, jobs, our complaints….

….twelve months of focused, vital, commonly stressful topics to look at clearly and with clarity together, and keep you in The Work all year.

There is still room for more.

If you’ve been wondering how to enter your inner world and stay there, with inquiry, maybe this is your time?

You pay monthly if you like, or one or two lump sums for our year together. Two in-person retreats are optional (we have a ball).

Read all about it here and write if you have questions or you’re ready to sign up. It will be a fantastic 2014-2015 year.

Inquiry Brings People Closer 

“When I signed up for the YOI class I had high expectations & goals. They have been exceeded. It is amazing to me to do the work with somebody and not have to listen to a bunch of ego denial bullshit. I get to share & hear what is really going on. So many techniques I have learned in the past ultimately do not break through the ego-barrier, in fact, many bolster it. Inquiry not only brings one closer to self, it brings people closer to each other.“ ~ SW Yoi Participant

Much love, Grace

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Trapped In Thoughts For Now

A lovely inquirer at the Breitenbush 4 day retreat several years ago said she had a common “problem”.

She was single, but pining over someone.

Until this moment, I didn’t know about how much pining, longing, curiosity, and imagining had been happening in her mind.

It turned out, she had been on a sports team with the person who she dreamed of for two years.

She explained to me how she would see the Other Beloved Person running, moving, talking….and watch them. Open eyes, but quiet, from a distance, wanting more.

Two years? I perked up my ears.

That’s a long time, I thought, and a lot of opportunity to connect and get to know one another. And yet, she had never even had more than a two minute conversation with the person of interest.

Wow…I wondered what was going on?

There she was, dreaming of a potential love possibility, feeling passionate and admiring from a distance, finding pleasure at watching this “other”, but never moving towards that person to ask for more time, even a longer conversation.

Never reaching out with the question: can I spend some time with you?

And then, a wave of sadness crossed her face as she spoke with me, and she said “I tell myself I’m going to go over there and strike up a conversation…..but then I chicken out, over and over. I procrastinate. I say I’ll do it next time.”

I could see the self-criticism piled up on her back like the weight of the world.

She shared a flood of thoughts about how she never acted fast enough, she was too nervous, she put things off too much.

A great stream of self-criticism and frustration with herself came out.

I knew this is common, but tricky…because the self-attack can cover up the potential fear or discomfort we might have of actually doing something.

“We would all change if we knew how. This inquiry is how.” ~ Byron Katie 

I could feel myself agreeing with her, nodding. Yes, you should go for it. No, you shouldn’t be so careful. Yes, you should stop procrastinating. Yes, you should ask. No, you shouldn’t wait any longer.

However….what was happening, despite these kinds of ideas about getting oneself to go for it, was no action.

So was it true that this dear woman sitting with me should take action, muster up the courage to make further contact, break through her discomfort, go for it?

No. That is not what was happening.

I might think so. I might think that action would be more satisfying, that procrastinating on this further would be agonizing, that she should speak up.

But I really do not know what is best for this dear inquirer.

I remember Byron Katie talking with a woman once about similar stressful thoughts. The woman said “but Katie, I could never ask that person for attention…it would be so rude.”

Katie responded “then don’t ask”.

No prodding, pushing, cajoling, expecting.

Everyone has their own pace, their own process, their own lessons, growth, insights.

Who would I be without the thought that she would be happier asserting herself?

Who would I be without the thought that something would be better off happening, than NOT happening?

What about my own situations….when I have had the thought that I should take action, but I don’t? That I ought to raise my hand, talk, ask, make a request, speak up, offer my opinion, participate more actively?

Who would I be without the thought that I should do anything, or that it is “right” and “strong” to do so, and “wrong” or “weak” not to do so?

I relax.

Without all the ideas about who should speak up, and when, and what I think would be better…there is an open, alive, very sweet discussion.

We enter the unknown.

We suddenly can see the next layer below…the one that loves the dream, the one not wanting to risk destroying the fantasy, the one that is very simply enjoying, without further contact, a tender, sweet appreciation with nothing more required.

Without the thought that anyone, including you, is procrastinating, then this is a new moment right now.

There is no fear of failure, or a list of what should be happening. A new, empty, open moment. With an idea arising in it. A creative impulse to go THAT way, over there.

I relax commands on myself, treating myself with meanness and harshness like a dictator, and then comes a spark that I could also question the idea that I could lose.

Without one harsh thought, the next stressful thought can appear, and that one can be unearthed.

Without the thought that procrastination is happening and it is bad….this woman sees how afraid she’s been of losing this feeling in her heart of appreciation and love when gazing upon someone from afar.

I could lose something, if I ask somebody for time, attention, help, support, contact….I could receive a “no”….I could get disappointed….

….is that true?

Yes!

Absolutely 100% true?

No.

But who would I be without the thought that I could lose something, lose connection, love, kindness, appreciation by speaking up, by making a request?

Without the thought that I could lose anything….my mind is open and I’m in this present moment.

I can give you some guidance, but I can’t give you any hope. You’re hoping that it will get better at some point in the future (and I’m not saying it won’t) but it has to get better internally NOW….The situation is as it is, but one begins to form a conceptual image of oneself as failing. And as the conceptual image of yourself failing gets strengthened, you experience emotions that correspond to those mental images and thoughts….But if you were not trapped in your thoughts, you could look on this situation as an opportunity. ~ Eckhart Tolle

I love that all that is necessary (and not even necessary) is being here, present and noticing.

Instead of a risk, or a hassle, carefulness, avoidance, or worry about this situation and this thing I want….what if there is an opportunity for something to shift right NOW?

Much love,

Grace

 

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Entering A Higher Form Of Intelligence–Together

Only two weeks from today on 3/8: jam session in The Work 1:30-5:30 pm, Seattle. Start from wherever you are. You’ll take a look at something that seems to not be working well, someone you’ve been troubled by, an ongoing problem.

I love that people show up, and go for it.

At least that’s what I love about questioning my thoughts, my feelings, situations that bother me.

In that moment that I take a seat, sit with other inquirers, pull out a pen and paper….I’m going for it.

Being able to be totally and completely honest, with all the anxious, mean, vicious, nasty, terrified, distressed thoughts….even from the distant past….and look at them head on like they are worthy of being addressed is a remarkable feeling.

These are the feelings I used to avoid.

These are the thoughts I used to shove under the rug, or try to distract myself from.

I should just be happy and doing something productive and not thinking negative thoughts and being a good citizen!!

My old mantra when I felt anger, sadness, or fear was “Quick! Look over there instead! Danger Danger! Do Something Else!”

I used binge-eating, running, movies, alcohol, and to-do lists to keep very, very busy.

Last night, I noticed a funny little evening thought.

Outside was a full moon, quiet night air. A friend had come over and she, my husband and I had tea. We ate some chocolate hearts with fortune messages inside. We all wrote letters together.

After hugs and goodbyes, and putting our letters in envelopes, with stamps, she left, and I thought about several other tasks I needed to accomplish for upcoming events.

I could work on them for an hour or so, before going to bed.

But then…seconds later….the thought “let’s watch the next episode of Dexter”.

(Yes, my second television show series in over a decade. It started with getting Six Feet Under from the library two years ago).

Two episodes later it’s almost midnight.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

But I’m reminded how the urge to escape and think about nothing that has anything to do with ME; my interests, worries, success, fears, goals, pain, suffering, tasks, thinking, uncomfortable feelings….

….is incredibly appealing.

ESCAPE!!

And so, something moved to watch the story of what happens next in that story, and now on Saturday morning there’s sitting and being here again, with less drama.

I love that a client will be on his way soon for a session this afternoon, and tomorrow there will be two more sessions, and Monday quite a few sessions with incredible people….spending time in their presence, looking at the mind, staying with it.

I love that the mini retreat is coming in two weeks, because that is what brings me to presence. I plan to sit and do inquiry.

Willing to sit, be here right now. With this busy mind. With this human body.

If you’re drawn, if it would feel like going for it, if it is appealing, interesting, exciting, maybe a little scary, yet you are willing to look…perhaps you’ve exhausted all other choices….

….join me in inquiry.

Whether a teleclass, Year of Inquiry, a mini retreat coming soon, the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend in April in Seattle, I am so touched by what we do together.

Simple as it sounds, placing aside the intention to connect with others and do inquiry is very powerful.

All the big coaching success blah-blah books have this in their directives: SCHEDULE IT.

But they are ON to something.

Go to the retreat. Sign up. Say yes. Join others. Allow yourself to be guided. Show up at the meeting. Sit in the chair. Close your eyes. Start writing.

You may find that as you put your boat in the river of looking, as you enter the flow of inquiry….

….you begin to be directed by an order of intelligence that is far beyond the mind, the personal, the individual.

You’re saying “yes” and you enter the silence. And awe.

And it’s more than just OK, it’s beyond belief.

Give yourself the opportunity to get there. You will anyway, there’s no emergency or rush….

…but why not now?

“In ego-land it’s helpful to have an ego that can discriminate between right and wrong, but at a certain point, that’s not what you are operating by. You are operating by the flow of the Tao, which is a higher order of intelligence. You don’t need to intellectually discriminate anymore because the Tao discriminates without discriminating; it knows without knowing; it moves without moving. There is no sense of being enlightened or unenlightened.” ~ Adyashanti

Sign up for Mini Retreat Jam Session by hitting reply to this email and letting me know you’re coming, or sign up for the next teleclass.

Sign up for Year of Inquiry the same way, or clicking for more information HERE.

Appreciations for Group Gathering in The Work:
“Dear Grace, I so appreciate your teleclass savvy. in my book, you are a model for teleclass giving. This body so appreciates the combined effect of the food teleclass and the work. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.”

“I had no idea I thought I needed money to feel safe and
secure and happy and special and needed and wanted and in control….I appreciate the stress-free but supportive environment you create that allows whatever is up to be welcomed into inquiry.”

“Thank you so much for our group and Grace for such amazing insights and leadership. It’s been a pleasure to let go of so many heavy thought-weights, together.”

Love, Grace

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Everyone’s A Valentine

The big hand of the clock clicked in place in my kitchen, 7:00 am Pacific Time. The room was still, and my headphones were on, ready for my usual Tuesday morning session.

My laptop did it’s little sing-song ring at the top of the hour, on the dot.

This woman and I had been working together for three years. She hardly ever missed a session.

We could see each other on skype.

“I’m having the same thought again….it isn’t going away.”

I told her to tell me her stressful, sticky, painful situation….and while it was technically new, the same characters were involved as in the past.

Doing the very same things as before. Saying the same things as before.

Here was a new “situation”. New proof. Proof that her belief was true.

He is financially irresponsible.

Her boyfriend. He had debt, bills, a gambling history, had asked her for money and not paid it back, owed rent in five days, had his wages garnished, and was driving a car without a license.

Now, before you roll your eyes and say that Mr. Boyfriend is a loser….like many others in this woman’s life….notice what your own thoughts are about this situation.

She should break up with him, she’s not getting it, he is indeed irresponsible, he’s bad news, there’s something wrong with this, or with her, or with him, she is getting hurt….these thoughts of hers should go away. 

I watch how a little voice in my mind immediately comments that it knows what is best.

I know what is best for my client, my friend, my child, my parent, my neighbor, my boss, my co-worker, my spouse.

Especially when someone has a long, repetitive, difficult story where they are reporting that they are suffering.

She should move on, she should quit what she’s doing.  

I had another client once who was already broken up with a lover, yet pined for him endlessly. A year had gone by since the end of their relationship. She had entered The Work to try to get over her heart-break.

But every week, she said she felt the same way.  

I miss him, I hate being alone, I can’t go on like this, I wish I felt differently, I think about him all the time.  

That person should get over it!! Quit doing that!!

Is it true?

Of course! They should wake up, snap out of it, grow up, “get” how to inquire on this, stop hurting themselves, question their thinking, have a shift of consciousness, quit suffering.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

No. I do not know their timeline.

I would have loved to snap my fingers and end my eating disorder at age 18, right when it started.

I would have liked to notice that I was in a really volatile, caustic relationship the first weekend I ever went away with that man, but it went on for the rest of the summer and then stretched with several other encounters into the future for a couple of years.

I would have liked to see that one man I had been friends with was a complete raving addict in the first months of knowing him and completely 100% unavailable for any real and genuine connection.

I would have loved to see that the best choice for my kids and family was simple public school instead of being obsessed and fearful for four years about their education.

I’ve had a few repetitive, ongoing, persistent beliefs.

Could I stop them? God knows I tried.

How do I react when I believe someone should get their friggin’ act together and stop believing their repetitive thoughts?

How do I react when I think thoughts should STOP?

Pissy.

When I think I know what’s best for someone….and they aren’t doing it….I feel really irritated. Or I’m frightened, and sad.

I believe I must not be helping, which is also disappointing.

I get angry, I sulk, I threaten, I worry, I wring my hands, I’m anxious.

I see pictures of the future with them feeling horrible, suicidal, dead.

But who would I be without the belief that this person should STOP THINKING THOSE THOUGHTS!??

Without the thoughts that they should do something different than they are doing…..or faster, or smoother, or with more joy, or power?

I would feel the deep compassion of Not Knowing. The Mystery of their human condition.

And I would speak honestly. Because I would have no agenda or expectation or thought about what should happen, whatsoever.

I mean, how could I possibly know anything more than this loving connection, here in this moment, being here now.

“Have you noticed it’s hopeless to dictate peoples’ awareness or behavior?……Reality doesn’t wait for your opinion, vote, or permission, sweetheart. It just keeps being what it is and doing what it does. ‘No! Wait for my approval!’ I don’t think so! You lose, always.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: she should keep thinking those thoughts, she shouldn’t change, he should suffer as long as he does, I shouldn’t think these thoughts about them, I should break up my thinking (about them)….. 

Everything relaxes in an instant. I love the sound of this person’s voice, I love her sincerity, her deep commitment. I honor her dilemma, I’m here with her.  

It’s 7:05 am. 

“If I think ‘what’s the matter with him?’ there is something the matter with ME in that moment. I’ve just put an obstacle between us. It’s only a thought, but look what my mind does with it….

…..If I don’t love you, I’ve lost my sanity.” ~ Byron Katie 

I love you dear Grace Note reader, thank you for being here and making a difference by even considering the question of who you would be without your story about yourself, about other people.

You are one amazing Valentine, no matter how many of the same thoughts you’ve had over and over.

Love, Grace

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The Truth of My Mediocrity

I was looking into the face of a woman I didn’t know extremely well. Her eyes were squinted and very pale and icy blue. Her voice was low but edgy, a little like she was trying to control herself. Her face was slightly red and shaking.

We were sitting in a conference room of an office building. This was a board meeting for a big community non-profit organization. I was the secretary.

“Some people look really good on the outside, but it’s deceptive. The way they look is much better than they actually are….” 

She stared viciously towards me. She was clearly saying it to me even though other people were listening.

I almost wanted to look left and right to see if she was looking at someone else nearby…was there someone standing behind me?

There wasn’t.

A huge electrical surge of adrenaline zapped through my whole body, turning my own face red.

Is she saying that I’m a fake? That I appear to be something that I am not?  

My heart was pounding.

I knew this had to do with my poor secretarial skills. I wasn’t keeping up on the notes I was supposed to take and transcribe at every meeting. I wasn’t getting them out on time to the rest of the board.

She was upset. An important deadline had come and gone. It was definitely my fault.

But wait, this was an insult.

What a b*%&#! 

Later, I was telling one of my best friends about this irritating fellow board member and her rude, paranoid, critical comments, and the way she looked at me.

I hate her. She’s making something that is supposed to be fun, community service into a chore. I HATE her! 

Fortunately, my closest friends all know that I love questioning my thinking. My dear friend said “have you done The Work on this?”

Oh. Well. OK.

Is it true that I hate the woman who was upset with me? Is it true that she is ruining my experience? Is it true that she’s making something into a chore, that was supposed to be fun?

Yes. This has gone very badly. She’s too critical. She’s sooo picky. She’s worthy of my hate, my rage, my irritation, my disappointment. She’s embarrassed me in front of other people.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, though, that I hate her? That she ruined my participation on that board? That she embarrassed me and messed things up?

No. I don’t absolutely know this. When I met her the year before, I instantly liked her. She asked lots of good questions. She cared about the board.

When I first learned that she had no family for Thanksgiving, I thought about inviting her to mine.

How did I react when I believed that thought that she messed everything up…that she insulted me, embarrassed me, criticized me…and was worthy of my hate?

I stopped looking at her, talking with her, connecting with her. I wrote her off. I made any conversation as short as possible from that time forward.

Too scary a person.

So who would I be without the thought that I hated her? Who would I be without the thought that she was a dangerous person who put me down in front of others?

Without the thought that she was a threat?

Oh boy.

Without the thought, I would notice how powerful her words were, that I was affected deeply, that I may not love hanging out with her, but she called me out to be in complete and absolute integrity.

Without the thought that I hated her, my body relaxes. I realize her words are not daggers. Her opinion of me is not actually important. It doesn’t matter if she dislikes me, or thinks of me as a fraud, or irresponsible with my duties.

She’s right! I’m feeling very insecure with my secretarial position! These people are brilliant on this board, and I feel like an idiot half the time.

I turn the thoughts around that I have about this situation, in that moment, with that woman who dared to criticize me in front of other people….

….I love her. She is making something that is supposed to be fun into a very powerful life-changing experience. I love her!

Because after that time, I got crystal clear on my role on that board, I did my duties so that I knew I was doing my best, I cut the fat, I did exactly what I signed up to do, nothing more and nothing less.

I expended my energy exactly where I wanted to. I didn’t try to act nice or say “yes” to something I really was saying “no” to.

“In virtually every situation where you find yourself blaming, attacking or making someone else wrong, there is an unconscious feeling or sensation in the body that is being avoided. Turn gentle, restful, open attention to the sensation and let it float freely without words. Watch it disappear. Then look at the other person and notice it was never about him or her. It was just about avoidance.” ~ Scott Kiloby

After that, I looked without fear at the idea that I might look more together or better than I actually WAS.

Yes. True. Not so terrible.

If she, or anyone, was saying that I am a liar by looking different than I am…well, it’s true.

I think I want to be perceived as great and amazing, but I’m really not. I think I want to be thought of as a genius, or very kind, or loving…but I’m not (just look at my thoughts about that person)! I think I want to be supportive and helpful, but I’m not.

“It was so wonderful when I really understood that I was mediocre. Oh my goodness, what a balance!” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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Is This Tiny Slice Of Life Enough?

“I can’t get anything done”.

A woman with a tear rolling down her face sat on the couch in my little cottage where I meet people for sessions.

She was a mother of three kids (and she was pregnant with her fourth).

The following week, at the mini retreat I offer sometimes on Saturdays, a man who was the head of a huge insurance company said “I should be doing more.”

He had the same deeply unhappy look.

I need to accomplish my goals, I must clean, drive, fix, take care of household items, I should be working on my dreams, I don’t have time, I have to focus on my vision, I should be farther than this, I wish someone else would take care of that.  

And then, being washed with all these kinds of thoughts there is an urge to cut and run.

As in, ditch the project.

Like a ton of granite, the weight settles on the shoulders…you’ve just been taking care of kids all day, or working at your job…and all you want is to escape.

Oh for just a little television, or a movie. How about a little bite to eat, or a drink? Perhaps facebook.

But what about your meditation, or exercising, or buying lightbulbs or returning those books to the library?

Just leave me alone! I want to stop and do nothing for once! 

I enter the large Victorian house on Elizabeth street in Denver Colorado where I’ve been living for three months. The door is large and elegant, built in the 1920s. It reminds me of my childhood home.

I share this house with four other perfectly lovely, young working single people. Outside it’s been brilliantly sunny all day long, with snow piled along the sidewalks.

No one is home.

The parking area is empty in the back alley.

I am alone.

Two ideas collide: 1) oh good, I can do anything I want without having to converse with anyone, and 2) I should do something productive.

I’m volunteering for student production at the college where I work tomorrow, and I could work on the programs. I could go running in the crisp air. I could write my grandma a letter. I could watch LA Law. I could look at grad school applications.

I drop my bag on the staircase up to the second floor, to my room, and I enter the empty kitchen.

Not even thinking about food, not even hungry really.

The mind chatters about what I should be doing…which by the way, I don’t even have enough time for if I DID do it…but I stay in the kitchen and start eating fat-free red diet jello that I made yesterday.

And then I want to eat some “real” food and I make a small plate of cheese and crackers and take them upstairs. All the while screaming at myself that I should be eating green vegetables instead. And getting something done.

Two hours later, I’m running in the park, jumping over snow drifts, pushing myself hard even though exhausted. I went up and down the stairs eight times, getting more food each time, consuming an entire box of triscuits and then another of wheat thins, a bunch of cheese and ice cream and stealing some of my housemates’ food.

Guilty as usual.

I run for an hour.

Even though I was in counseling and in a therapy group, and knew a lot about self-care….the way I talked to myself was vicious.

I look back now, and remember that young woman as I hear other people have the same thoughts.

Back then, I didn’t ask if it was true that I should do more, and that I wasn’t getting enough done. I just believed it was true…..and I wasn’t.

The same thoughts will run through my mind now and again, only I notice, I simply cannot believe them like before.

Who would you be without the thought that you should be doing more than you are? Without the thought that you need to take action, get on the horse, cross the finish line for that project?

But. Won’t I just lie around like a lazy slob and do NOTHING?

Without these thoughts I might never get ANYTHING done. EVER! I won’t win! I won’t achieve!

I won’t be guilt-free!

Are you sure?

Here’s the thing. Now that I hardly ever believe the thought that I should ever do anything, I do a lot more.

Seriously.

(Ask me right before a workshop is about to start and I might have a different story about done-ness).

Without the thought that I should do anything at all, I’m writing this Grace Note in this moment, hearing the wind chimes sing on the front porch. Feeling the thump of my daughter’s footsteps moving outside past my closed door. Feeling the delicious heat of my black sweater on my arms.

Every little thing alive, ecstatic, like the air is dancing.

Look around right now. Breathe in and feel the room you are in as you read this.

Feel it.

Who would you be without the thought that you need to do anything more, at all? Without the belief that this is not quite enough, there should be more? 

“You have to understand that it is your attempt to get special experiences from life that makes you miss the actual experience of life. Life is not something you get; it’s something you experience. Life exists with or without you. It’s been going on for billions of years. You simply get the honor of seeing a tiny slice of it. If you’re busy trying to get something, you’ll miss the slice you’re actually experiencing.” ~ Michael Singer 

Turn the thoughts around that you need to do something, that you need to stop procrastinating or wasting time, that you must achieve and do more, that you haven’t gotten enough done:

You need to stop, you should sit here, you do not need to do anything, it’s not your job to get anything special done, it’s not possible to waste time, you can slow way down, you do not have to write that letter, you can get everything done that is necessary.

You are enough. This moment is completely full.

Isn’t that amazing? Doesn’t it make you want to stare at everything, with wonder and joy?

The colors, the sounds, the temperature, textures, sensations, smells…can you see how much is around you?

Could this be enough?

Love, Grace

 

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Fat Thinking Creates Misery

I was looking at someone close to me during a class. He was looking forward at the teacher who was lecturing. I was staring with fascination at the belt around his waste which looked squeezed, with his shirt tightening with strain on either side of his stomach.

I had the thought that his stomach was too fat. Or his shirt was too small. And that he should un-tuck his shirt.

And then the thought that I shouldn’t be so rude as to think that thought.

In the current new Eating Peace class, we’ve taken a good look at our bodies by looking in the mirror.

And then there are Other Bodies, too.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images like the one I had in my mind) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Lumpy/Smooth, Thick/Narrow, Tight/Loose, Saggy/Firm, Wrinkled/Flat, Fat/Thin.

Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body!

Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was, a teenager, seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies.

It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised.

It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk.

I was shocked at the time.

“I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

I’ve had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

Plus, another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me).

She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means?

Undisciplined, lazy, unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves?

Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious?

Really?

No. It’s actually not true. At all.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears in this moment, then the creativity and variety is magnificent.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right?

 

See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back (once again) to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone else is too fat, or anything about me is too fat…..my thinking is slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME.

Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle 

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. The Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend is approaching in April 4-6, Friday evening through Sunday 5 pm. We’ll be looking at what we think about our bodies. Reply back if you’re interested and I’ll keep you up to date.

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Big Ego Gets Spit Out Of The Universe

I was sitting cross-legged on a brown carpeted floor in a large circle of people. We were in an enormous log cabin far up a winding dirt road in the mountains, thick green forest outside, cool scented summer air coming in through the big screened windows.

Each person was sharing the answer to three questions.

What’s your name? Where did you spend a lot of time growing up? Who haven’t you forgiven? 

One of the workshop leaders had explained that you haven’t forgiven someone if you feel resentful, furious, critical or irritated in the presence of someone….or even just thinking about them.

As people shared, one by one, my turn to go grew closer and closer. My heart was starting to beat a little faster.

I was nervous about sharing, period.

Everyone stares at you! They make judgments! I could say something stupid! And by the way, I can’t answer that question about who I haven’t forgiven….because I’m irritated with EVERYONE! I’m too angry, judgmental and critical myself! 

But here I was. I had signed up for this for three whole days to learn about anger, resentment and speaking one’s truth…..or something like that. I was only 24.

So far, 45 minutes had gone by.  

Fortunately for me, somewhere along the road I recognized that the one who thinks she is important, unique, independent, an individual personality…..is not exactly any of those things.

One of my deepest underlying beliefs back then: I have a problem. I must fix it. I must change myself. This will perhaps help other people around me to change. It has to get better.

Is it true, that I need to fix something? Something about me, something about you?

I need things to change…is that absolutely true?

Of course! That’s why I’m on this stupid retreat!

How do I react, though, when I believe these thoughts that I need change….yesterday?

I gather information, I make plans, I get an agenda, I wonder about myself, and others.

There’s an energy of push, forcing, lazer-beam direction. I get pictures of the future better-looking world.

I’m against stuff. Even my own thinking.

Especially my own thinking. 

So who would I be if I couldn’t have the thoughts that there is a problem around here, things need to be corrected, I have to do something, and that I should fix my own mind?

Who would I without the thought that I really should be more forgiving, or forgive anyone, or be a “better” person and that I better get on that right away?

Weird. I’m used to trying to fix myself. So much to fix, so little time…..right? So many self-improvement course, techniques, workshops, trainings.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required. It’s your attempt to mess up the universe, and the universe won’t have it. It would prefer perfection. It does its job. The universe does what’s required. It spits you out–have you noticed?” ~ Byron Katie

I’m raising my hand here! I’ve noticed!

When I argue with what is happening, with another person’s behavior, with my own thoughts, with my own agenda, even about whether or not I should be forgiving….it really doesn’t feel good. Or true.

Turning the thoughts around….

….I do not have a problem. It is not necessary for ME to fix this. I must not try to change myself. No one around me needs to change. It will never get better.

Suddenly laughter wells up. This is not up to me. I am not the boss of How Things Unfold.  

As people share in the circle on the retreat, everyone begins to look so sweet, thoughtful, pensive. Everyone is so sincere.

Coming all this way to spend some time with others, enter the unknown, listen, experience something different.

I suddenly want to hug everyone. Even if I’ve never met any one of them before. I feel joy with this place.

Why, I could probably call up my old ex-boyfriend right now, or my mean old grandpa, or that infuriating 4th grade teacher, and tell them “I love you!”

Wow, I can even see the advantages in those people chewing me up and spitting me out.

I’m not sure I can thank them for it…but I can so see how it’s helped me become so deeply powerful (in a good way) with my own rooted capacity to love unconditionally.

Like a light beam planted deep in the earth, never to be moved.

Oh. Forgiveness. I think I’m getting it.  

“By watching your mind, you will notice that it is in the process of trying to make everything okay. Consciously remember that this is not what you want to do, and then gently disengage. Do not fight it. Do not ever fight your mind. You will never win.” ~ Michael Singer  

I hope this retreat never ends.

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Heaven Is Putting Your Separateness On Hold

Almost nine years ago, I signed up for the School for The Work of Byron Katie.

Little did I know what a crazy, joyful, astonishing adventure it would be to begin to question what I was thinking.

You mean, I don’t have to believe that everything that runs through my head is true?

All the scary stuff about other people, having big emotions like terror or rage, living successfully, failing, being safe, telling the truth, getting sick or hurt, engaging in addictive behavior, pursuing the meaning of life, or contemplating death itself?

That’s a lot of thinking, over a lot of years. Always in the background.

What’s All This about? What’s going on around Here on planet Earth?

After I left the School which lasted nine days, I knew what to do when I had a feeling of anxiety, worry, sadness, irritation or emotional reaction that didn’t feel good.

Or even curiosity, resistance, confusion.

I knew I could identify what it was I thought in that moment, and spend some time with it to see if it was really true.

I thought “why would I need a facilitator? It’s four simple questions and then finding turnarounds. I can do this with one hand tied behind my back!”

My life continued along, and the thing is….it got a little fast-paced.

Movement was happening. I was faced with divorce, moments of unrest with my kids, money worries, cancer.

It’s not always natural or easy (so it seems) to stop, do a little writing, and take a moment to understand what it is that’s going on in your mind like its your best friend and you have all the time in the world for examining your thoughts.

Your mind does not always feel exactly like a Best Friend, if you know what I mean.

Plus, the mind is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, and definitely able to leap tall buildings or even whole countries in a single bound.

(If you’re not so sure about that, quick right now, think about France…now think about Africa….see what I mean?)

As the weeks went by following my 9 day immersion in The Work with Byron Katie herself, I noticed every so often that I hadn’t actually sat down and done The Work for a few days.

Then a few more days.

Then a couple of weeks.

I’m doing The Work in my head in the car! Isn’t that good enough? 

But I’d get interrupted. I’d forget where I was. I’d get lost.

Then…I decided I needed a companion. I needed a friend, a co-facilitator, I needed to anchor this practice into time so that it actually happened.

Because every single time I did it from start to finish, with someone else, or with a small group, there was always a magnificent discovery.

Like I was able to have a genuine, honest conversation with my own mind, after enlisting support.

Gosh. With other people facilitating me, and time set on the calendar…shared investigation, depth, authentic connection.

Up to me on my own with Me, Myself and I running the show, the short-cut version, kind of like fake sugar. Not quite right.

The way things were going all on my own wasn’t exactly reliable.

I knew I didn’t want to mess around.  This was my life. My world was changing.

In some ways, it was falling apart completely.

Everything I had previously thought of as true was up for grabs.

I got a facilitator. Best move I could have made.  Because when I felt just a wee bit better emotionally, in control, relaxed, like “OK, I got it! I’m good!” I would have the urge to take that idea seriously.

But I didn’t.

Thank you for sharing, oh mind that thinks it can do everything by itself thank you very much. I love that you’re so independent and brilliant (which it is, actually).

However, the results are that on my own it kind of looked like the tasmanian devil approach, with slight moments of exhaustion and re-grouping in between.

I wanted peace.

Of course, the great paradox is that everyone must find their own answers….they are actually already there, in the silence within all of us, ready to blossom.

But if like me you find that you just don’t find the time, commitment, clarity or depth on your own at first…you may love signing up for a class with others, or putting yourself in a retreat or structured program, or scheduling time with a facilitator.

It doesn’t have to be anything that costs money, you can call the Help Line on thework.com or you can get a partner to trade sessions with.

I continue to value the peeps I gather with as my stepping stones to true peace.

Just like when I first went to 12 Step Meetings so long ago at age 19. On my own, things weren’t going so well.

In a group….better.

It doesn’t matter if the people you encounter are your new best friends. The group is for you to show up into. It brings a stable structure that you don’t have to question.

You’re just there, scheduling it is handled.

“Mind’s job is to be right, and it can justify itself faster than the speed of light. Stop the portion of your thinking that is the source of your fear, anger, sadness, or resentment by transferring it to paper. Once the mind is stopped on paper, it’s much easier to investigate. Eventually The Work begins to undo you automatically without writing.” ~ Byron Katie 

If you notice that like me, you kinda want the speed-dating, speed-skating, speed-racer path to enlightenment…. ….then you may enjoy entering the Year of Inquiry (YOI) for the Addictive Mind program.

A WHOLE YEAR?!?!

Yes.

Invented for the more brilliant, quick, distracted minds that may find great serenity in having a set time 3 times per month for 90 minutes with others to investigate your deepest judgments, your stressful thinking, your assumptions, your troubling ideas.

We do it on the phone, so you can be anywhere.

Even your car.

And of course, no one needs to do YOI. You can do a shorter class (the one on Parenting starts soon!) or set up a trade with someone in your life.

If I could do it, you can too!

If this was your last year in this lifetime…would you want to be with others in this deeply intimate way?

Would you want to rest in knowing you had the time and space to dial-in, literally, to inquiry?

I would.

Heaven in YOI“I love that I have to EXPERIENCE the Work, have to DO it, to be IN it.  And when I do The Work – surprise! – I am letting go into the moment. I’ve been at it for a few years now, here and there, sometimes frequently/intensely, sometimes not for weeks or even months.  And here we are in this terrific group.  Heaven.” ~ YOI participant

Come join us in un-believing and un-doing your painful thoughts. Losing your world could be a good thing….and you can get support while doing it.

It’s why meditation retreats, groups, classes, communities exist.

Because other people ARE you, of course.  “

Everyone is a mirror image of yourself-your own thinking coming back to you.” ~ Byron Katie  

Reply to this email if you’re ready to sign up for YOI or another class. Let me know how I can be of service to you.  My sincere commitment is joining with others in our true freedom.

As the wise and loving teacher Adya says about signing up for meditation retreats or classes:
“….They are an opportunity to put your separateness on hold and discover the liberating truth of what you are…” ~ Adyashanti  

Love, Grace

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Eeeek I Need To Ask For Help

I was talking with my mom on the phone. I called her because I had the pool schedule, and she had offered to take me swimming again.

I had discovered a rehabilitation warm-water pool about 30 minutes away from my home…perfect for me and my stiff, hurting body after lying in bed for 3 weeks after my leg surgery.

My mom had picked me up and taken me and gotten in the pool with me, following me with my crutches and helping me get dressed in the locker room.

I couldn’t lean over to pick up anything, or reach my right foot.

She had to put on my sock and tie my shoe, like when I was four.

Now we were talking on the phone and I was excitedly telling her about when we could go again.

But I heard a hesitation in her voice.

“The chlorine kind of bothers me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick with this. I’m wondering if you have any other options for people who could drive you?”

Oh.

Rats.

A feeling of embarrassment came up through me. I had the thought that while I had enjoyed myself, she had not.

The thing is, people often want to help you when you have an accident, or you’re sick, or you have a very rough experience–maybe a devastating loss, an abrupt change, a shocking diagnosis.

But sometimes….the help can feel uncomfortable.

Like, you’re weighing and measuring how much help is OK, whether or not you should really ask for All That, and if the person who is offering help really means it.

It’s a strange doubt that enters.

The one where even though someone is saying “please tell me what I can do to help” but you think “they will think I’m a pain in the ass if I tell them what they could really do to help”.

Discomfort can even overcome us when we need to ask directions, or for the bathroom key, or for a different meal, or for the late fee to be removed.

These kinds of stressful thoughts are cloudy, confusing, worrisome, and anxiety-producing.

Is that person pleased or repulsed by my need for help?

Let’s take a look and see what could be going on when you’re in need of something, but you’re afraid to ask…or you’ve asked, and the answer appears to be “no”.

  • She doesn’t like me
  • He’s just too busy–other things are more important
  • She’ll feel obligated
  • He’ll do it, be secretly resentful and I’ll pay for it later
  • He’ll think I owe him
  • They’ll think something’s wrong with me
  • They’ll feel uncomfortable about saying no, even though they want to

Is it true that someone might feel obliged, resentful, owed if they help you?

Yes! They might not feel comfortable saying no, and then feel stuck and like they should help.

It could come between us. They might avoid me.

Even if they are a stranger, they might feel all twisted up inside and want to run for the hills because they don’t even like being asked.

Can I absolutely know that it’s true that all these possibilities are to be avoided, that they are dangerous outcomes? Can I absolutely know that if someone says “no” that they don’t like me anymore?

No.

How do I react when I believe that I shouldn’t impose, shouldn’t ask for too much help, should do things by myself, or that it’s much better to be entirely independent and need nothing?

How do I react when I believe that people don’t tell the truth, feel stuck, or feel like they are owed something for helping?

I NEVER ask anyone for anything! If I really need something, I agonize about who, when, where and how to ask. I do everything I can to get what I need without putting anyone out.

Phew, it’s a lot of work being in other peoples’ business!

Who would I be without the thought that receiving a “no” is bad, for any reason? Without the thought that someone saying “no” means something about me?

Can you imagine having a “no” be just as fabulous as a “yes”?

How exciting!

Without that thought, everything feels easy, fun, full of humor. Not serious, grave and heavy.

Without the thought….absolute freedom to ask, to hear the answer, to confirm, to have conversations about what works and what doesn’t.

Turning the thoughts around: she still loves me, he may be too busy and that’s fine (it doesn’t mean I’m not important), people will or won’t feel obliged and it doesn’t really matter, he’ll tell the truth honestly with a “yes” or “no”, they’ll think something’s right with me for asking, it’s not my business if they feel uncomfortable saying “no”.

The only thing I am responsible for is asking for what I want, hearing the answer, moving on.

That’s it.

So simple.

Nothing personal. 

“I trust everyone. I trust them to do what they do, and I’m never disappointed. And since I trust people, I know to let them find their own way. The wonderful thing about inquiry is that there’s no one to guide you but you. There’s no guru, no teacher who, in her great wisdom, shows you the answers. Only your own answers can help you. You yourself are the way and the truth and they life, and when you realize this, the world become very kind.” ~ Byron Katie 

I find my own “yes” and “no” and so does everyone else. What they want is kind, for me. Every request and every answer is felt with trust and respect…no fear of the truth, no personal meaning.

Who would you be without the story that asking for help, and any answer you receive, is dangerous, or any kind of a problem, whatsoever?

Love, Grace