Month: October 2014

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What Was Terrible Changed When I Questioned It

It’s a bright autumn day. Everyone’s bundled in winter coats, freshly taken out of the closet for the colder months ahead.

It’s a family outing to visit my son for parent’s weekend at college.

We run into a favorite professor and have a fabulous conversation, we walk past my son’s classrooms, he points out buildings, he talks about red square, the fountain that spouts water perfectly in unison with the measure of the wind, designed by engineering students, so nobody ever gets splashed by wayward drops while standing or sitting nearby.

Then my son winces.

He’s had an earache, he says, and he’s trying to ignore it.

Immediately I think “Gosh. Let’s head for the student health center!”

He agrees. He’s never been before.

He’s suffered from ear infections in the past. Good to catch it before they’re closed all weekend. Free healthcare.

The whole family, including grandma, assembles in the waiting room. We have a great time talking.

My son beckons to me to follow when his name is called in the waiting room. Just like old times when he was a kid.

Or, maybe I automatically rose out of my chair and went.

There’s a chair for me, the mom, and a chair for my son, and a chair for the nurse. This is a quick intake set-up get-you-in-the-system interview, blood pressure, other basics.

My son answers questions.

And then.

“Do you use marijuana?”

My son hesitates. He looks at me. He makes an oops hesitant smile like, uh-oh, ha-ha.

“Yes”.

“More than once a week?”

“No”.

On the outside I am cool.

Inside I’m having a heart attack.

All my fears of drugs, addiction, failure, horrors, OMG my son’s derailing into a terrible world, come screaming to the surface.

NOOOOOOOOO!

Clearing throat.

Yeah. It was that dramatic.

On the inside.

We leave, have a great evening with our family, enjoy dinner.

I have to wait to sort out how I feel about this *shocking* situation.

Later, I do The Work.

Who would I be without the belief that it is alarming, or awful, or an emergency that my son said YES to using marijuana?

Jeez. A thousand times calmer, that’s for sure.

Who would I be without the belief that this is terrible, terrible, terrible and something surely terrible, terrible, terrible will happen?

Noticing an inner silence that accepts all things, including every kind of drug created by humankind.

I turn the thought around: This is wonderful, interesting information. This is an opportunity. This is not terrible. I can be real, honest. No one is out of control (except my own dramatic thinking). I get to see what I think is so scary about the news. I get to inquire.

After inquiry, I text my son. It’s been three days. I ask if we can skype later, and as always he enthusiastically agrees.

When we’re looking at each other on screen, I say…”That was kinda awkward, right? But I’d love to talk about it with you. I got scared…and…I know you’re very adult and very awesome. I appreciated you telling the truth, that was cool. Can I ask you some questions? Do you have any questions for me?”

He says…”Oh, I almost forgot about that moment, that WAS awkward.” We laugh.

I tell him some interesting family history with drugs and alcohol.

He mentions, before I even ask (it was one of my questions) that he’s smoked pot twice this past year.

Oh.

Not quite as horrifically bad as I pictured.

Ha ha!

“What seemed terrible changes once you’ve questioned it. There is nothing terrible except your unquestioned thoughts about what you see. So whenever you suffer, inquire, look at the thoughts you’re thinking, and set yourself free. Be a child. Know nothing. Take your ignorance all the way to your freedom.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if the story went another way, and my son was experiencing pain and suffering…that would have its freedom, too.

Any situation offers innocence, peace and awareness. Just the right amount, for what I need.

Much love, Grace

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You Do Not Have To Be Good

Wild Geese Mary Oliver Grace Notes

Several people have written asking for the webinar link for Eating Peace. So I’m sending out an all-ears-and-eyes broadcast so you’re covered in case you wanted to watch it.
If you click the link to get the webinar, you’ll be automatically added to the special Eating Peace list if you are not on it already (you won’t be double-subscribed if you are). You can unsubscribe or update your info at absolutely any time by clicking the link at the bottom (it’s in tiny letters) of any note you receive.
Click Here to get the Eating Peace Webinar Presentation in your Inbox.
*******
People can be so self-critical, have you noticed?
The chatter about this “you” who you think you are is constant.
If you engage in behavior you don’t wind up liking (every kind of addictive behavior falls into this category usually) you can really get down on yourself.
I need this, I need that, I like this, I hate that, I did it wrong, I made a mistake, I’m not good enough, I’m guilty, I’m stupid, I should have done better, I shouldn’t have done that, I forgot, I was wrong, I was an idiot, I can’t do this, I give up, I’m hopeless, I’m a total failure.
I was once in a 12 step meeting going on about how horrible I was. I was struggling with food and eating. I don’t remember what I said, this was 30 years ago.
But I felt so horrendous, vile, disgusted with myself. I remember that I cried (and I always tried not to cry in front of other people, yet another mistake).
Someone passed me a note.
I never knew who.
It was written in blue ball point pen on a small rectangular piece of blank paper without lines, like the kind you would tear off a pad, something used for grocery lists.
It was folded in half when it arrived from a person to my left, passed along the row of chairs and hands.
Inside, I read…
…”You are a being of love. It is a form of negative grandiosity to reject yourself so thoroughly, to condemn yourself and criticize who you are.”
I still think about those words “negative grandiosity”.
Holy moly. That was TRUE.
I was the queen of rippin’ myself to shreds.
I’ll do it first, before YOU do it. I’ll rage and spit against who I am, and inflict self-punishment and anger, emotionally berate myself, hold myself back, and be ultra vicious.
It was like a way to let out all my intense anger and disappointment at the world, at life, at my experiences…
…in a twisted imploding introverted sort of acceptable way.
But who would I have been back then, without the belief that I deserved to be punished? That I did something incorrectly? That I made a mistake, was wrong, screwed up, and was a failure?
Without believing my anger was bad, my feelings were messed up?
I would have had a smidgeon of a sense of humor.
I might have wondered at the brilliance of a mind that invents a story called Horrible Me. The mind that thinks I’m supposed to be perfect all the time.
And here’s what’s funny…
I actually WAS someone without that thought.
Just like YOU are without YOUR thoughts, in this moment.
No matter what your history, your problems, your errors….the messiness and chaos you’ve experienced….you have had these dreadful, stressful thoughts….
….but you are also without these thoughts.
You can’t help it! You’re alive!
Thinking is not the only thing you’re doing all day long.
Right?
“You do not have to be good. 
You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. 
You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. 
Meanwhile the world goes on. 
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairie and deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. 
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air are heading home again. 
Wherever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offer itself to your imagination, 
Calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place in the family of things.” 
~ Mary Oliver

 

Much love, Grace

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You Never Did It Wrong

I’m having so much trouble…l can’t stop thinking I did something wrong. I googled the internet on abortion, and your name appeared.

I received this email and my heart went out to the author immediately.

She was struggling the way I had once struggled. Making what felt like a huge decision not to continue an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy.

When that happened for me many years ago, I was shocked by the sickness I felt, by the finality.

I had no idea I would be so horrified by my action. I was in favor of a woman’s right to choose. My mom had hosted abortion rights meetings at our home when I was a kid!

But all of the sudden, I wasn’t so sure. I suddenly understood why there were the debates. I thought I would go crazy with the suffering.

Six months later, I attended a special retreat program my mother had found called Rachel’s Vineyard. It was created as a non-profit to help especially Catholic women (and their partners) recover from abortion.

I was not Catholic. But raised Episcopalian, maybe it was close enough.

I had not been to anything with a religious overlay like that in many, many years.

It didn’t matter.

I thought…if anyone would feel like horse sh*t about having an abortion, it would be someone Catholic. I felt the same. Therefore, I’ll fit in.

The thing that was present at the core of that retreat was the message that I was not evil, I could forgive myself and find peace, and that there was normal life for me following an abortion.

And here, so many years later, I was talking with a lovely woman who also was not Catholic but who was also very surprised at the devastation she felt after making her choice.

“I went against reality” she said.

We set up a session to do The Work.

You may have something, too, that you feel terrible about doing.

That thing you feel ashamed of, that time you yelled and screamed at your kid, or your spouse, that time you lied, stole, cheated, schemed, held resentment, attacked.

You might feel like you acted against what was, you fought reality, you argued with reality, you debated, you forced, you pushed.

Find that moment…and let’s take a walk through that painful belief that brings much suffering.

You argued with reality.

Is that true?

Yes. (Deep sadness, regret, grief).

Are you positively sure? Did you go against reality?

Yes. I’m wrong. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have. I acted that way. I sinned. I was bad. I ate too much. I took the drugs. I drank. I smoked. I hurt someone else.

How do you react when you believe this?

Pure hell.

I picture the past over and over. I wish wish wish it could have gone differently. I’m so unhappy with me.

Regret. Regret. Regret. Horrible.

But who or what would you be without the belief that you went against reality, that you fought what was so and it should have turned out otherwise, that you made a mistake, that you were wrong?

Ugh. I can’t even find it. I have no idea. Impossible. I can’t feel OK about what happened, I just can’t. I can’t forgive myself.

Then.

A pause.

An opening, just a crack….without the thought. Without that belief in condemnation, punishment, wrong-ness, mistakes, unforgiveable-ness?

A deep breath.

I say “reality also included other children, a partner not ready, the existence of a procedure that was an option, your life in that moment in time.”

Reality included everything.

What happened was the best thing, the best way it could have gone.

Turning the thought around: I went with reality, I merged with reality, I was a part of reality with no separation. There was something right with me. There was no mistake. This is forgiveable. 

There was love.

Can you find that to be as true, or truer?

“It is only the illusion of a separate self (something that believes itself to be outside of life and living in other than the Now which is the only reality) who could believe it is possible to make mistakes. Because, in fact, there isn’t anything going on other than what IS.” ~ Cheri Huber

Who could you be today, as you go about your life, a person who has done nothing wrong, ever?

Try it on and see.

It’s OK. I promise.

Much love, Grace

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Safety Is Present Now, And Then

“I am not completely safe with that person!”

I was working with all the people enrolled in Relationship Hell to Heaven, and 8 week teleclass I teach, where we identify and question beliefs about those other people….

….especially the people we’ve been super close with.

Our topic for the class session was SHAME.

The exercise all the participants had for homework, to complete before the call, was to consider what you feel most embarrassed about, ashamed of, something you’d prefer to keep secret, when it comes to an important relationship in your life.

It didn’t have to be crazy intense disgusting, or mortifying.

It could be a small embarrassment, a wish that you had handled something differently or that you could take back the way it went down.

Rats. You want me to remember those situations?

Do I have to?

I immediately had three images of people come to mind, as the voices of these beautiful inquirers on the phone all spoke with honesty, and nervousness, in their voices.

Dang, that mind is so quick to remind me of what I consider “bad” behavior on my part, jeez!

There was one that was the worst.

I noticed the face of the person floating through my mind as these courageous inquirers answered the questions and shared their own truth, as they looked at this difficult situation they went through where they didn’t like the way they conducted themselves.

You could cut the harshness with a knife, it was so thick.

Self-criticism is intense, self-loathing vicious.

But then we looked at what we believed it meant, that this situation happened.

What was the conclusion, what did we think was true, what was so painful (besides the attack of the self)? What was the meaning we gave to that moment?

We spent some time looking at ourselves, and what we believed it meant about us that we had behaved that way….

….but THEN we looked at what it meant about the other person in that past encounter, when we thought things didn’t go so well, we didn’t act so smart, when we weren’t in our own integrity.

I wasn’t safe with them! I felt scared! He made me nervous! She made me anxious!

Let’s do The Work, just like our group did.

Is it really true that you were not safe in that situation, with that person? Even emotionally?

Are you sure?

Yes! Absolutely!

That person was pushy, grabby, leaving me, he didn’t care, she didn’t like me, he was critical, she was controlling, he was manipulative, she discounted me, he didn’t give a sh*t, she didn’t listen to me.

I was definitely not in safe territory, in their presence, in that situation.

How did you react when you believed that thought was absolutely true?

I pretended to be nice but did not speak my truth, I ran for dear life, I set rigid boundaries, I pushed him away, I avoided her, my whole body was tense, I couldn’t sleep later, I acted like it was OK when it wasn’t, I felt so sad, I ditched him, I talked about her with everyone I knew.

So who would you be without that thought that you were not safe with that person?

Like if you just pushed the pause button and froze that whole “unsafe” scene from the past and stared at the other person, stared at yourself, watched that past incident….

….without the belief in your mind that it was unsafe to be in that situation?

First, I notice I see him, doing what he did….and I feel the memory of adrenaline, even a touch of it right now, but I hold still, watching.

Without the thought that I’m not safe with that person, that it wasn’t a safe moment…

…I see nothing physically unsafe occurring.

Ha, that’s kinda funny.

I remember a gesture, him reaching out his hand, him saying some words, they were floating in the air. I heard them. Then I moved the way I did. We walked up a street. I got in my car. I drove away.

Nothing more.

No grabbing, no force, no violence. No danger.

As we did our work together in that group call, it suddenly occurred to one of the participants….

….wow, like, what is “safe” anyway?

Comfort? Relaxation? Calm? Security? Absence of dread, or images, or bad feelings? No possible imagined threat whatsoever?

And WHO is the one THINKING those threatening, alarming, worse-case scenario thoughts anyway? Who is imagining that situation was so unsafe, I freak myself out about it again even when all I’m doing is remembering the situation?

“I am not completely safe with my own mind!”

Could that be true, or truer?

“You must come out of hiding behind any superstitious beliefs and find the courage to question everything, otherwise you will continue to hold onto superstitions which distort your perception and expression of that which is only ever awake…You must want to know the truth more than you want to feel secure in order to fully awaken to the fact that you are nothing but Awakeness itself.” ~ Adyashanti

I look around and notice….how very safe I am.

Life buzzing in this body, happening now, and now, and now.

Much more than my little dramatic memories and movies playing in my head.

“The worst thing you’ll ever have to face in life is a thought, a sensation, an emotion, a sound, a smell, happening in THIS moment..” ~ Jeff Foster

There is something in here, in all of us, that is completely and totally safe.

Infinite, unmoving.

Exciting!

Much love, Grace

 

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Welcome Internal Darkness to Get Lighter

An author and psychologist I admire who has worked with people recovering from addiction for 30 years, Frederick Woolverton, describes any addictive process as an attempt to avoid internal darkness.
I remember Adyashanti saying at a retreat that we’re all addicted to our thinking, we are all Addicts.
We’re all addicted to distracting ourselves, forgetting about ourselves for awhile. To getting away from that pesky dark emptiness we notice.
Yesterday, in the very first Eating Peace session I mentioned a quote by Pema Chodron.
She wrote “never underestimate the urge to bolt.”
 

OH DEAR.

Wait. Does this mean I have to go towards the darkness? Like, NOT avoid it?

But.

Darkness is scary.

The thing is, it’s actually a lot of work to run from darkness. More work, maybe, than you really know.

Like trying to run from your own shadow on a bright hot summer day out on the pavement…that shadow sticks with you for your every move.

Who would you be without the belief that you need to avoid your dark inner fears, traumas, grief, pain, suffering, sadness, rage?

They might just begin to well up in a deep cathartic and expressive gush….

….rolling right through you.

The good news is that just a drop of Willingness to be aware of what is happening inside of you, of being open to it instead of afraid of it, puts you on the path towards ending the annoying cycle of glimpsing darkness and trying to run away from it.

“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain…you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”~ Eckhart Tolle

It can feel really difficult at first, when the addictive process you’re in doesn’t actually work anymore. When you stop using the substance or pattern, you may feel panicky or raw, or super-hyper sensitive.

Your pain may now be sitting there totally exposed and vulnerable, out in the open.

Other people also might see you looking like you’re having a feeling! A dark one!

But then….without THAT thought that something inside is worthy of running away from, is frightening enough to bolt from, is dangerous enough to avoid….

….truly wow.

It boils inside, it feels like it hurts, but I am nevertheless safe. I am riding this wave of pain or reaction.

It has somewhere to go, and I’m just here along for the ride.

“People who do The Work stop fearing pain. They relax into it. They watch it come and go, and they see that it always comes and goes at the perfect moment.” ~ Byron Katie

I turn the thought around: I don’t need to avoid my fears, worries, dark thoughts, rage, grief, sadness. I need to let them be here, as they are. I need to invite them in, to stay. I need to explore them, talk with them, love them. 

I need to stay, not bolt.

That’s the only way anything ever got lighter for me.

Much love, Grace

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Are You Separate Or Connected? Take A Moment And See, Right Now

One of my very closest friends texted me yesterday “Is there some kind of video thing you’re doing? And a webinar on eating?”

I cracked up.

Uh, that would be YES.

Major, huge project it feels like. Gathering, collecting, formulating what I’ve learned in the clearest way possible.

She reads Grace Notes, not the Eating Peace notes…so it makes sense she had no idea what was going on behind the scenes.

Isn’t that so true about everyone we encounter? Even when we think we know people really well?

It feels like this mind has a whole inner world that’s “behind the scenes”.

Busy, busy, busy.

But today…whether it’s morning, afternoon, dusk, dark night when you read this…

…take a moment now and imagine who you would be without the belief that you are separated somehow by your own mind doing it’s busy thing?

Without the belief that you are alone, even thought it appears you are a complete, contained entity with your own body, mind, desires, plans, and unique life story?

Who would you be without the thought that there are divisions and boundaries and borders between you….

….and the universe?

The universe that includes other people, streets, cars, mountains, plants, tables, chairs, horns, birds, pencils, televisions, music.

Can you feel how you are aware of all of it, in bits and pieces, taking it in through your mind and through your heart, your feelings, your awareness?

Who would you be without the thought that you are disconnected from all that is?

I notice how much I love my friend, and she doesn’t need to know anything about these details of preparing my new program or videos or whatever.

They don’t matter.

In the silence, we’re connected.

“But I’ll tell you what hermits realize. If you go off into a far, far forest and get very quiet, you’ll come to understand that you’re connected with everything.” ~ Alan Watts

Strange that it is easier to access this connection, often, when in silence, without words, without details, without a story.

Take a small moment of silence today and wait.

Don’t even try hard.

See what happens.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you DO want to receive weekly notes on changing your relationship with food, eating and the body….click the little tiny link at the bottom of this email to update your subscription and add Eating Peace to your Inbox.

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Eating Peace Video #3 – Three Treasures To Help You End Emotional Eating

The Tao Te Ching says that there are three treasures it has to teach: Simplicity, Patience and Compassion.

You can use these to heal your life with food.

Except….don’t use them to taunt yourself, criticize how not-good-enough you are, or how you’re falling short of the desired goal.

In this video today, I explain how to avoid the tendency to be extreme, which happens a lot with compulsive or emotional eating, and be TRULY simple, patient and compassionate with yourself.

ALSO, if you want a whole conglomeration of many of the tools, medicine and healing items I’ve used to recover completely from compulsive and emotional eating, or thinking about food….

….then head over to the webinar recording I did live last Wednesday.

You may have watched already…but if you haven’t, give it a shot.

It was fun!

Here’s one note I received from someone who attended the webinar:

Dear Grace,
It was fantastic.
Clear, thorough, an in-depth simplicity, useful.
The potter in me speaking found the images of raw clay–bowls, throwing–particularly beautiful.
Thank you and with love, J

I loved the questions and feedback I received, and I’m here to serve you if you seek help in this area. It is my deepest commitment and joy to be on the helping end of this whole eating issue, someone who is assisting in the healing of all of us, rather than fueling the fire of dis-ease around eating.

To access the webinar recording, CLICK HERE. You’ll enter your email, but you won’t be double-subscribed to this list, don’t worry. Look for the webinar link in your Inbox.

I’d love your feedback on what’s confusing, what is difficult to implement, what works for you.

“Some say that my teaching is nonsense. Others call it lofty but impractical. But to those who have looked inside themselves, this nonsense makes perfect sense. And to those who put it into practice, this loftiness has roots that go deep.” ~ Tao Te Ching #67

After the 12 week Eating Peace Program gets rolling on Sunday morning, I’ll be sending out news, a video, or some tip or insight to you all once a week. As of this moment, there are a few spots available in Eating Peace, so click HERE or write if you’re interested.

It’s gonna be awesome.

You can heal your relationship with food, no matter how far gone you think you are.

Much love,

Grace

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The Thing About Coffee And Other Cravings

It’s really interesting that right as I’m putting final touches on the new Eating Peace Program, I decided to drink coffee every morning.

Nothing wrong with coffee.

It’s everywhere! If you like it, awesome!

But…I don’t actually like the way when I have it daily, it makes my skin peel on my hands, my face feels dry, and it makes my arm pits smell terrible.

A little seems OK, but not every day for me.

These same things happen every time I work up to a coffee every day. All these symptoms.

They go away the minute I quite drinking coffee.

So I just quit. Again.

It’s funny, the addictive process. Even in something like coffee.

I believe I want the adrenaline rush, the stimulation it brings to the body and the brain.

I believe it’s appealing, and that it just won’t be as pleasant in a duller, slower state.

In the past, the first time I quit coffee, I practically died. I was staring longingly at every espresso stand in Seattle (can you imagine the torture)? I was listless and full of craving.

(By the way, getting my nutritional health in order radically helped back then…but that’s another topic).

Trying to quit something by controlling oneself is pure misery.

Have you noticed?

People call it willpower.

It doesn’t work.

It’s hilarious the depth of illusion one can enter, though, including me, when you really think something’s gonna be beneficial when you get it.

I see, then I don’t see, then I see again, then I don’t see.

Here’s what appeared to happen….

….At some point, my mind came up with the idea (for the billionth time) that I need to do more. I need to get more done. I need to accomplish more. I need more time. I need more energy than is actually provided by whatever life force is here. I need to kick it up a notch. I need a boost.

More is needed.

The program I’m creating also needs to be fantastic, deep, transformative. It has to be excellent, make a difference, be incredibly fabulous.

Phew.

People appear to go for caffeine when they have these kinds of beliefs.

Or food. Or smoking. Or speedy things.

The flip side of the thought of needing and wanting “more” is “not enough”.

People get crushes, watch porn, go shopping, drink alcohol, get grabby about things like money or sex, work on house projects, clean obsessively, go on Facebook constantly, when they start believing the thought “not enough”.

The thought appears that you need to accomplish something, get somewhere…you believe it, then you have your thing you do.

And the show begins!

And underneath the behavior, even if it’s uncomfortable behavior, or shameful, or secretive, or depressing….there is a voice that believes what is being thought IS TRUE.

This moment is not right. Not enough. Too much. Not good. Bad. Difficult. Hard. Troubling. Missing Something. Boring. Lonely. Dangerous. Stupid. Crazy. Empty. Wrong.

Who would I be without the belief that coffee is assisting me in having MORE of something in my day? Or that I need anything more in the first place?

I take a deep breath.

I notice I forgot about coffee this morning. I wondered if a headache might come, or a craving, but it never did.

Without the thoughts that I need more, and that coffee helps, I’d be floating, freely, falling backwards with such a sweet sensation of rest and slowing down that I wonder how I missed it before?

Without the belief that my thoughts of “more” or “not enough” are true…wow.

What a strange, open, vast, kind of weird sensation.

Something watching. No controlling the moment, the outcome.

You can try it right now.

Who would you be without the thoughts that you need to gain, achieve, do, be, offer something magnificent and push really hard to do it…like, NOW?

Without the thought that you need a substance to enhance your performance?

“The core deficient self is a false script about ourselves that we carry around in life, from childhood to adulthood. It’s an offshoot of a belief in being separate. There really isn’t a core deficient self, we just believe there is. We’re carrying around a fundamental lie about who we really are.” ~ Scott Kiloby

What are the opposite thoughts of the ones that believe more is necessary, that this is not enough?

This is just right.

Nothing is needed to add, push, enhance, boost, force, or make anything more to be here than is actually here.

All is very well. Life is humming. Awakeness is here, with or without coffee.

“If it wasn’t for the coffee, I’d have no identifiable personality whatsover.” ~ David Letterman 

Ha ha!

Much love, Grace

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Is Love Really Always Better Than Hate?

Yesterday I created a webinar and lots of people attended…. although I have no idea how many were still online by the end of the 90 minutes it took for me to go through my slides.

(Here’s the link to listen to the recording. Sit down with a pen and paper to take some notes….I share some of the tools I love that helped me become peaceful with food for the past several decades).

Click Here to Listen

I’d love feedback.

Really.

And have you ever noticed a part of you that doesn’t want feedback for something you’ve offered?

“No…don’t give me any feedback. I don’t wanna know, actually. I only want compliments. I don’t want REAL feedback, I want approval.”

Ha ha!

That’s the voice of the one who feels empty sometimes.

The other day, in the Year of Inquiry (YOI) group, we looked at the thought “that person should tell me where I stand!”

Oh the pain, the agony, the wondering, the hand-wringing.

What do they think of me?

I asked one wonderful inquirer in our group….if you knew that what the person thinks of you is BAD….would you still want to know where you stand?

She replied YES.

It is interesting how some part of us just wants to know, so we can make our plans, lick our wounds, move on, make a decision, envision the future, close a door on the past.

But inside, I noticed that what I REALLY REALLY would love, really really, if I were to know where I stand with someone, was that I was appreciated, loved, and accepted.

I don’t really like the idea of knowing someone’s honest belief was that I was stupid, boring, ridiculous, good-for-nothing, worthless.

At least, under the surface for me, it seems like it’d be better to find approval, love, attention, and attraction from others rather than disapproval, hate, dismissal and repulsion.

But what a great thing to question.

Receiving loving attention is better than receiving strong criticism.

Is that true?

Yes. Duh! Haven’t you studied psychology? Have you noticed what humans do when they don’t receive enough loving attention?

How about the monkeys they did experiments on in the 1970s where researchers gave some baby monkeys metal fake monkey mothers who gave them no attention, while other baby monkeys were placed in cages with real monkey mothers?

The baby monkeys with real monkey mothers were MUCH HAPPIER! I rest my case!

Are you positively sure?

Yes! Critical comments, people saying “ewww that sucked” or people saying “listening to you was a waste of my time” or metal monkeys that sit there and don’t snuggle or interact….

….these really don’t seem as fun. Heh heh.

How do I react when I believe praise and whatever-I-think-love-looks-like is MUCH better than criticism and people turning away, or saying “hurtful” things?

I want to hide. Give up.

I want to get away from people. I don’t feel connected. I question the point of living. I want to escape. I start thinking about watching the next Breaking Bad episode, or that maybe I’ll get a day job.

Many people console themselves with food, smoking, drinking, sexual stimulation of some kind, drugs, projects, work, cleaning, facebooking, distraction, avoidance.

Many people feel shame, embarrassment, like it’s their fault they’ve generated a “negative” response inside someone.

Only positive responses should be coming their way.

Otherwise…..bad bad person. Unworthy.

But who would you be if you couldn’t even think that receiving praise, attention, words or gestures of attraction, interest, love, approval, gifts, smiles….

….who would you be if you didn’t think these things were better than receiving criticism, judgment, disinterest, rejection, anger, hate, disapproval, dismissal, frowns?

Weird, right?

So hooked up to like the love stuff better than the hate stuff. Hee hee. Of course!

But without the belief that it’s truly, deeply, horrifically worse to receive “negative” feedback….

….I feel so open.

Surrendered, in a good and beautiful way.

Ready, willing, learning, aware. It’s like the juiciest gift to hear the real perceptions of people. The most fascinating thing. No need to run whatsoever. No need to hide.

It saves a lot of energy, and frantic reacting. There is peace present, a most incredible peaceful energy, glowing from the center of me.

The energy passes right through me, and out the other side. It rises like a wave, and recedes back down.

“If somebody says something that we don’t like, obviously our resistance won’t stop them from having said it. What we’re really resisting is the experience of the event passing through us. We don’t want it affecting us inside…..Eventually you’ll see that this resistance is a tremendous waste of energy. Events are not problems, they’re just events. Your resistance to them is what causes the problem.” ~ Michael Singer

Without the belief that love is better than hate in my mind, I notice love is here anyway, not hate.

There was nothing to worry about.

Even hate seems like it’s a piece of love, maybe distorted a little (or a lot). It has caring in it, interest, passion.

And I honestly notice, there is none of that flowing around me, anywhere at the moment.

Turning the thought around: Receiving strong criticism is better than receiving loving attention.

Can you find where this has been genuinely true?

I sure can. The critical words of others has changed the course of my life. From a sister saying “stop complaining and get a job!” to me about 30 years ago….to a man saying “you’re ugly!” who I was on a date with almost 7-8 years ago….

….these people made me wake up, feel the heat, eyes wide open.

They helped me on my path to freedom.

Freedom to hear anything and everything, without fear.

And go from there, with integrity.

In the end, I realize, love or hate…it doesn’t really matter. There is a neutral silence here at all times that is far beyond either one of those energies, and it is lusciously good.

“She cares for nothing but the Tao. Thus she can care for all things.” ~ Tao Te Ching #64 

If you’re ready to go on a journey of digging into where you’ve felt “hate” for yourself around food, eating, body size, movement….then we begin on Sunday. Head over HERE to sign up.

Much love, Grace 

Posted on

Never Reach For The Great, Give Up Perfection…Achieve Greatness

Is striving like climbing an endless un-fun ladder?
Is striving like climbing an endless un-fun ladder?

At 8:30 am Pacific Time today (in a few hours!) I’ll be offering the live webinar on ending eating and food wars. You’ll participate with your keyboard at your computer, not by voice. A new experiment!

I’ll offer a slide show I just put together with my fairly beginner keynote skills. Come join me, so I can interact with you and your questions. Since you won’t be talking out loud, you can be completely anonymous and ask me anything.

Click here to get the link, and you’ll be added to Eating Peace where I’ll continue to send videos and SOS help once a week to you if you’re struggling with the kind of craziness I used to live in almost daily…

…endless thoughts of food, managing food, staying away from food, over-exercising, dieting, being all freaky-perfect about ingredients.

And speaking of those kinds of thoughts about food…. wow, perfectionism is rough.

Yesterday I got to facilitate the work with a sweet and very sincere client around her desire to be as perfect as possible…and it reminded me that this push to be in the highest rankings isn’t only held inside the minds of people with eating issues.

In fact, my family had some pretty high standards, and they didn’t get all whacked out about eating like I did.

My dad was a Rhodes Scholar. Which means he went to Oxford University in England to earn his D-Phil (same as PhD). He became an author and a professor. My mom got her master’s degree in Spanish literature, and spoke fluent Spanish after living in Spain as a student.

That was the soup flavor I was born into.

The thing is….NOW….I find all the accomplishment quite exciting and beautiful.

But back then, I felt….well….

….*PRESSURE*!!!!

The mind can take things so seriously, you know?

My chattering mind as a teenager had the attitude that I have to, I have to, I have to, I have to….

….accompanied by an equal and opposite force of I can’t, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t.

Geneen Roth, the brilliant woman who writes about food, spirituality, and ending a life of dieting said long ago that she observed in herself and in the people she worked with that for every diet, there was an opposite binge.

Deny. Grab. Deny. Grab.

It’s like a pendulum swinging insanely, wildly, without coming to rest in the middle.

Today, no matter what kind of “shoulds” or “I have to’s” or “I musts” you throw at yourself…notice the voice that tries to balance the high achiever.

That voice gets so alarmed by all the pushing, it will say “be careful!” or “you shouldn’t” or “you don’t have to”.

The result?

*S*T*U*C*K*!

Instead of listening to any of that….slow down.

Way, way, way down.

Hold still a minute.

See if it’s really true that you have to, or the opposite, that you shouldn’t even try?

What if you sat still until you noticed what you wanted to do, say, or be?

No comparison to anyone else. No degrees or special winning or big fat competitions or earning anything major.

Just you, being you.

You might win the Olympic Gold Medal or lead the entire company or get the part on Broadway, or you might not…but if there’s just you, in the flow, being you…it won’t matter one way or the other.

“Life without a reason, a purpose, a position… the mind is frightened of this because then ‘my life’ is over with, and life lives itself and moves from itself in a totally different dimension. This way of living is just life moving. That’s all.” ~ Adyashanti 

You are good enough, doing nothing, and doing something, just the way you are. No comparison.

“The Master never reaches for the great; thus she achieves greatness. When she runs into a difficulty, she stops and gives herself to it. She doesn’t cling to her own comfort; thus problems are no problem for her.” ~ Tao Te Ching #63

Much love, Grace

P.S. Pass this email along to anyone who you think might benefit from entering a world of peace around eating. Thank you.