You Never Did It Wrong

I received this email and my heart went out to the author immediately.

She was struggling the way I had once struggled. Making what felt like a huge decision not to continue an unexpected and unplanned pregnancy.

When that happened for me many years ago, I was shocked by the sickness I felt, by the finality.

I had no idea I would be so horrified by my action. I was in favor of a woman’s right to choose. My mom had hosted abortion rights meetings at our home when I was a kid!

But all of the sudden, I wasn’t so sure. I suddenly understood why there were the debates. I thought I would go crazy with the suffering.

Six months later, I attended a special retreat program my mother had found called Rachel’s Vineyard. It was created as a non-profit to help especially Catholic women (and their partners) recover from abortion.

I was not Catholic. But raised Episcopalian, maybe it was close enough.

I had not been to anything with a religious overlay like that in many, many years.

It didn’t matter.

I thought…if anyone would feel like horse sh*t about having an abortion, it would be someone Catholic. I felt the same. Therefore, I’ll fit in.

The thing that was present at the core of that retreat was the message that I was not evil, I could forgive myself and find peace, and that there was normal life for me following an abortion.

And here, so many years later, I was talking with a lovely woman who also was not Catholic but who was also very surprised at the devastation she felt after making her choice.

“I went against reality” she said.

We set up a session to do The Work.

You may have something, too, that you feel terrible about doing.

That thing you feel ashamed of, that time you yelled and screamed at your kid, or your spouse, that time you lied, stole, cheated, schemed, held resentment, attacked.

You might feel like you acted against what was, you fought reality, you argued with reality, you debated, you forced, you pushed.

Find that moment…and let’s take a walk through that painful belief that brings much suffering.

You argued with reality.

Is that true?

Yes. (Deep sadness, regret, grief).

Are you positively sure? Did you go against reality?

Yes. I’m wrong. I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have. I acted that way. I sinned. I was bad. I ate too much. I took the drugs. I drank. I smoked. I hurt someone else.

How do you react when you believe this?

Pure hell.

I picture the past over and over. I wish wish wish it could have gone differently. I’m so unhappy with me.

Regret. Regret. Regret. Horrible.

But who or what would you be without the belief that you went against reality, that you fought what was so and it should have turned out otherwise, that you made a mistake, that you were wrong?

Ugh. I can’t even find it. I have no idea. Impossible. I can’t feel OK about what happened, I just can’t. I can’t forgive myself.

Then.

A pause.

An opening, just a crack….without the thought. Without that belief in condemnation, punishment, wrong-ness, mistakes, unforgiveable-ness?

A deep breath.

I say “reality also included other children, a partner not ready, the existence of a procedure that was an option, your life in that moment in time.”

Reality included everything.

What happened was the best thing, the best way it could have gone.

Turning the thought around: I went with reality, I merged with reality, I was a part of reality with no separation. There was something right with me. There was no mistake. This is forgiveable. 

There was love.

Can you find that to be as true, or truer?

“It is only the illusion of a separate self (something that believes itself to be outside of life and living in other than the Now which is the only reality) who could believe it is possible to make mistakes. Because, in fact, there isn’t anything going on other than what IS.” ~ Cheri Huber

Who could you be today, as you go about your life, a person who has done nothing wrong, ever?

Try it on and see.

It’s OK. I promise.

Much love, Grace