Month: February 2018

Posted on

Do I really want it? Or does something bigger than “it” want me?

Right now, I find thoughts are ticker-taping through my life on money and eating, mostly because the money and eating courses are well underway.

I find it fascinating how these two forms of energy (money and food) have to do with consuming and taking in, but also letting go and releasing.

If money and our favorite food were lying on a table in front of us, we might see our hand reach out to take it.

I see it. I want it. I could take it. I’ll take it. I have it. It’s mine!

Did it provide what I was looking for? Did it give me what I really wanted?

Sometimes, this very pattern is extremely unsatisfying, but compelling: Working very hard and long hours for money. Eating way too much.

To explore this cycle, what if we went back to the seeing it, before we grabbed it or consumed it or used it, and paused right there?

Sometimes, the first time we “see” something we want is in our minds. The food or money isn’t around, but we picture it vividly. The color, the feel, the bank account statement, the spending, the texture, the possibilities, the excitement, the security or the focus on this pleasurable thing.

This thing called food. This thing called money.

People will say in the classes as we’re looking at our beliefs these common and stressful thoughts: “I can’t stop eating” or “I can’t relax around money”.

So what if we looked today at this “wanting” experience that happens when an image comes to mind of food, or riches? This is before we get it, but we’re dang sure we want it. See how good it looks?

I want, want, want it. 

Is it true?

Huh? I mean….of course that’s true! What an odd question! I have tons of evidence of this being true. I’ve grabbed it a thousand billion times. I’ve consumed and spent it. I’ve used it. I’ve eaten it.

I am the one who wants that thing. It’s been true for so long.

Are you sure?

Can you absolutely know it’s true you want that pile of money or that bowl of sugar? Is there no room for any doubt at all? Are you positive…forever and ever?

Boinnnnggggg! (That’s like a cartoon frying pan hitting me on the cartoon head)!

I can’t know it’s true I want it! If I pause a moment, it seems like I don’t. I have no idea. Weird.  I thought I was in a frenzy every time, but now I’m not so sure. Woah.

Interesting.

How do you react when you think you waaaannnnntttt it?

That’s easy. I grab like a Tasmanian Devil. I feel very unsatisfied.

So who would you be without this stressful thought that you For Sure want what you’re looking at? (Oh that cash, on that ice cream, oh that love, oh that attention, oh that success….)

Oh my. I’d start laughing.

Without the belief I want it?

Haha!

And something opens up, because maybe I really wanted something else all along. Maybe I want safety, security, love, soothing from serious trauma in the past, connection, intimacy.

So often, I wanted intimacy–to really join closely with someone. Food was next best thing. Money was for those other people who deserved it.

Turning the thought around: I don’t want it. My thinking wants it. Not “I” or me.  

How could this be just as true, or truer?

It didn’t really fulfill me. It didn’t eliminate the pain. I didn’t feel comfortable even after I had it. Spending or eating or hoarding or starving all happened, and still something feels empty or too full.

I’ve also worked with so many people with tons of money who aren’t perfectly content. Or who are eating the perfect diet, and they aren’t satisfied.

Turning the thought around again: It wants me.

How could this be true?

I know this sounds cosmic. Like, what is “it”? Seriously? Are we talking the food wants me, or the money? That doesn’t even make sense.

But I like this turnaround anyway. Life wants me. Love wants me. The present moment wants me, fully here, not half here, not wanting-ly here full of my complaints about what is.

God, Allah, The Friend, Presence, Surrender, Rest, Being wants me, the real true me that is not alone and not abandoned and not freaking out and too scared to inquire.

I Am and I Am Not
I’m drenched
in the flood 
which has yet to come 
I’m tied up 
in the prison
which has yet to exist
Not having played
the game of chess
I’m already the checkmate
Not having tasted
a single cup of your wine
I’m already drunk
Not having entered
the battlefield
I’m already wounded and slain
I no longer
know the difference
between image and reality
Like the shadow
I am
And
I am not
~ Jalaluddin Rumi

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

If I answer that question honestly, they’ll hate me–and I hate them for asking!

Has anyone ever asked you something or made a request, and you feel so uncomfortable about answering….

….you freeze like a statue?

Gulp. Did that person just ask me that? Shocking!

The other day, a very dear friend was telling me about a small inheritance she received from an aunt who died. “I was so surprised!” she exclaimed “I mean, it’s not that much, but I can do a few things now.”

Then she shared that she’s remodeling her entire kitchen and landscaping her back yard.

I wanted to ask…”how much was it, anyway?” because in my mind, remodeling your kitchen and landscaping your back yard is big bucks, the way she described it. But I didn’t.

Because. It’s none of my business. That would be nosey. That’s private. It’s rude to ask a specific question like that about money–kind of like asking “how old are you?” or “how much is your salary?” We don’t talk about such details.

The annual group of money inquirers right now are looking at what we think and believe about asking for money in any kind of context, whether someone else is doing it, or we ourselves are (or we’re even just thinking about asking).

I wasn’t thinking of asking FOR money, but the unwritten rules about asking ABOUT money were firmly in place, despite my curiosity.

Asking questions about their money is rude.

But let’s dig into a little deeper to find out why it’s rude? What’s the fear? Why would it be so rude to ask about money, or for money?

I imagined someone asking me how much money I have in my bank account, or if I’ve ever been given money, or how much I made last year, or how much I spend every month, or even how much I paid for my coat.

As I sat with it, I realized the answer to the question is the scary part. It’s personal because the answer could result in so many things….but especially separation, criticism, judgment.

  • They’ll think I’m lucky (and be jealous)
  • They’ll think I’m unlucky (and avoid me)
  • They’ll think I’ve been squandering what I had
  • They’ll think I’ve been a chicken sh*t
  • They’ll think I should never ever complain about money and I’m a whiner
  • They’ll think I should be more scared about money and I’m a pollyanna everything’s-going-to-be-fine faker
  • They’ll think I’m self-centered and greedy
  • They’ll think I’m dishonest and sneaky
  • They’ll think I’m disorganized, stupid and uncaring

All of it is about the judgement of character, personality and activities with money.

Gosh. No wonder we have this unwritten rule about money questions. Sometimes, people don’t even want to go to get their taxes done by someone else, or visit financial planners, because they’ll have to share ALL their personal information about money….and surely be criticized. (Um. Not that this would be me. Clearing throat).

So while asking may be considered rude, let’s look today at the answer to any money question, and why it’s frightening (and therefore, no one should ask).

The biggest fear? Someone will get criticized, when it comes to money and asking for it. I’ll be thought of in a bad way. 

Let’s do The Work!

Is it true, that if the answer to the money question is revealed, someone’s going to get criticized?

Yes!

I was already judging my friend as “lucky” and thinking her brief words “it’s not that much” were falsely downplaying the amount. I mean, how could you completely remodel a kitchen and build a deck plus all that landscaping on “not that much”? My mind was whirring. I wish I could inherit something, which has never happened and is unlikely to ever happen. Waah.

But can I absolutely know it’s true someone gets criticized when money amounts are revealed?

No.

Can I know it’s true that stressful or separating thoughts come alive, when an answer is revealed about money from one human to another?

No. I really can’t.

So what happens when you DO think dangerous things happen when money is talked about openly, and people ask things about it, or for it?

Ugh.

I make absolutely sure to quit talking about it, or never mention it. If someone starts to speak about it, I turn the conversation in a different direction or go mute or freeze up. I don’t reveal the whole answer.

Yes, I have even done this with my partner to whom I am legally married, and we submit taxes now together. I had a reaction of fear a couple of weeks ago when he asked me if I owned stock in volatile tech companies (I do), and was totally afraid he’s going to criticize me. Which hasn’t happened, ever.

So who would you be without the belief that it’s dangerous to reveal information about money? Whether it’s you or them doing the revealing?

At first, you might feel worried about who you’ll be without the thought. Like maybe you’ll ask 1000 questions without being considerate. Or you’ll tell someone everything about your spending, saving and giving without hesitation.

Are you sure this is even true?

What if it was totally OK to ask questions?

It doesn’t mean anyone should answer. There’s a balance here. Information coming in, going out. Gentle timing.

I notice amounts come and go, change and morph and go up and go down. So do questions about amounts of money.

I notice I can question any assumptions I make about money.

My friend is lucky (and I am not)…is that even true? I know how much kitchen and landscaping costs, is that true? (No).

Turning the thought around: If money is revealed, they’ll think well of me (or vice versa). We’ll be connected. We’ll be sharing something, closer, and more alike.

Could this be just as true?

Wow. Yes.

Everyone I know has had money coming and going always. Never the exact amounts of money forever the same. Money is like air, or water, or the tides. Money is moving. Money is like the weather. I don’t have to freak out because it’s cold and barren at the moment. There’s beauty in the way it is.

The amount of money doesn’t mean you (or someone else) is “bad” or “good” or “right” or “wrong”.

The answer to a question about or for money, in any moment, is fascinating.

Sometimes it’s “yes” and sometimes it’s “no”. Sometimes you might answer, sometimes you might say “why do you ask?”

In whatever appears with curiosity, pondering, and wondering about money….

….it’s a brilliant catalyst for awareness of our own fearful thoughts and beliefs, that’s for sure.

In the end, I see that “reveals” about money and what I fear turn all around to my own thinking, my own perceptions:

  • in this situation with money, my thinking is unlucky (or lucky) and they’ll connect with me and be close with me
  • I think I’ve been squandering, they haven’t been squandering
  • I’ve been a chicken sh*t with my thoughts, with my sharing and love and honesty, with my answers or questions
  • I should never ever complain about their money, they should complain if they do, and I AM a whiner! Woohoo! (It teaches me a lot about my thinking)
  • I should be more scared about money and yes, I can find where I’ve been a pollyanna faker
  • I think I’m self-centered and greedy, dishonest and sneaky, disorganized, stupid and uncaring–I’ve had all these thoughts about myself, and about other people, too. Maybe I think these things about money, too. Which I could question.

I see whatever I’m worried about other people thinking, every time, I’m actually worried is true about myself.

I could question it.

“These people that we’re close to will give us everything we need, so that we can realize ourselves and be free of the lie….But you say “Go away, I don’t want to hear it.” And you say it mostly in your mind….What I say is, find an enemy. They won’t give you that sympathy. You go to your friends for refuge, because you can count on them to agree with your stories. But when you go to your enemies, they’ll tell you, straight up, anything you want to know, even though you may think you don’t want to know it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 134

If you’ve felt uncomfortable about what people have implied, or said, or asked, or done around you or to you….no matter WHAT the topic (and I mean ANY topic, not just money)….

….The Work.

If you feel curious about digging into this work, come to 4 day immersion retreat in May. Or come to half-day retreat (offered once a month in Seattle for only $50 and I’ll do it online this spring for those of you too far away). Sign up for March Seattle half day right here (3/18 Sunday 2-6 pm).

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If they ask a question, it never means you have to answer. Just saying.

Posted on

Eating Peace: The Weight of Thinking You Need To Help Others Who Are Suffering

One area I’ve noticed over the years of working with those of us with eating woes is one particular type of eater.

An eater with such a deep broken heart about other people’s suffering…

…that they unconsciously move to help those in need almost as a compulsion all in itself. Like they can’t help it.

Often, they are nurses, teachers, healers, holistic practitioners, counselors and therapists, maybe moms.

Now, helping others is a beautiful act. But often, when we’ve got this underlying belief running about needing them desperately to be OK….our efforts to help them are not really helpful.

When we’re worried about other people we feel the weight of the world on our shoulders, literally. It’s all over us.

We seem images of people close to us, and the suffering of humanity, and feel the pain of it all.

The belief “I need to help other people” can be very, very stressful.

People feel guilty about questioning it, like it will mean they will never help others, and they’ll be selfish, isolated, uncaring people.

Can you really know that’s true, that you’ll forget about others, if you question that you need to help them?

“Being soothed and oral intake are closely associated in the human mind…Food becomes a substitute for nourishment. Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest impairments we can suffer. Along with our ability to feel our own pain go our best hopes for healing, dignity and love. ” ~ Gabor Mate, MD

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

You have no need for the belief “I have to” to get something done (+ this weekend mini-retreat)!

Oh my gosh gosh, it happened. Another Peace Talk Podcast Episode 136 on the pesky and horrible thought (when you believe it) “I Have To…” Find it on itunes here.

This Sunday, February 25 in-person Living Turnarounds mini retreat! Welcome one and all. It doesn’t matter what kind of experience you have in The Work, all you need is an interest in questioning your stressful thinking.

We have a cozy cottage, comfy chairs, tea, and worksheets. We meet 2:00-6:00 pm in northeast Seattle. Please pre-register and find out more right here.

The dates for the rest of this year have been updated. Come to one, come to all, your choice. I tend to forget to announce these half day retreats until right before they happen. Ahem.

  • February 25, 2018
  • March 18, 2018
  • April 22, 2018
  • May 13, 2018
  • June 10, 2018

For me, there’s been nothing like sharing time in The Work with caring like-minded folks who also want to question their stressful beliefs together. I get so inspired.

What is it about gathering together that offers something different to our inquiry?

I’m not talking about only a half-day group like this one. But all the other pairings and support, too. Like having an ongoing facilitation buddy, attending a meet-up, going to an intro night on The Work, participating in a retreat or course, going to the 9 Day School with Byron Katie, joining the Institute for The Work.

I find, just like meditation, we ultimately do it on our own, yet if we’re together there’s a structure, a shared energy. I’ve never had the experience of silent sitting at home that I do while on meditation retreat when hours are dedicated to sitting in silence and contemplating the experience without needing to do the usual tasks involved in life.

Isn’t that strange, in a way, that it can be so different being with others do something you really do all by yourself?

Because everyone else is agreeing to do this together, I do it too. I stay. I’m in the chair. No question about getting up and leaving and doing something else to avoid what is, or argue with what is, or complain about what is. I’m staying until I’m truly open to what is.

There’s an interested paradox here, however.

The deepest and most desired transformation, it seems, is when we are on our own–no one else in sight–and we remain seated, stay present, question our thinking, discover awareness is possible without any input or outside guidance required.

Isn’t this what we all truly want? To be our own personal wise advisor? To not have to go anywhere to find peace?

To find out that the most interesting, exciting, loving, supportive, clear person I could ever be with….is me?

Then, whatever we do and wherever we are, whether in a strange unrecognizable place, or our own living room, or in a noisy crowded street, or with a group of friends….

….no matter where we are, we’re with the most beloved and beautiful friend.

One of the things I most love about The Work, is that my stressful, uncomfortable, troubling, nasty, mean, vicious or violent thoughts are the ones that help me hear my inner compassionate advisor.

They are the loud voices that lead me to the still small voice.

Who would have thought the stories and yelling and panic that caused my suffering are the ones that bring the deepest awareness and awakening?

Strange. But true.

And so much help along the way by gathering with other people (still true) and sharing this inquiry. Exploring together is such a gift. It says “you are not alone”. It inspires connection and insight. It’s a practice arena that shows if I can do it with others holding my hand, or accepting me, I can do it.

If I can do it with others, I can do it with myself.

So if you find yourself willing, interested and drawn to connecting to your most inner wise compassionate advisor and awakened one within (yes, that one is there, always) then join me for a half day retreat, or the longer spring retreat coming in May (four days of The Work heaven)!

I’d love to spend time with you sharing the inner world we usually don’t think of as share-worthy (LOL). What freedom to find we’re all on the same journey, discovering peace.

“If you don’t know that who you authentically are does not suffer and has no need for beliefs, you are practicing believing that the separate self is real and that suffering is inevitable.” ~ Cheri Huber

Spend some time with others practicing un-believing how separate you are.

I love how Byron Katie says you have only two choices: believe your thoughts, or question them. There’s no other option.

I’d rather question them.

Even if you live on the other side of the world from where I do–find a partner, connect with people, call the Help Line (it’s free), come to retreat somewhere, anywhere.

Practice questioning. It’s more fun than believing. At least it sure has been for me. (Understatement of the century).

Sign up for this month’s Living Turnarounds Half-Day Sunday 2/25 right HERE.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Put yourself back into reality when it comes to you and money (or any disturbing relationship)

Let’s talk about shame, guilt and unhappiness on facebook live today (Tues Feb 20) at 11:00 am Pacific Time. The way you can find the video, even if you don’t join live at 11 am PT, is to head to my facebook page here.

Why am I on about this topic?

Because in the money course underway right now an entire handful of participants wrote to me or shared with me that they feel guilty, ashamed or upset about the way they were with money at some point in their lives.

At least four of the comments I received from participants in the money class were about events they felt embarrassed or troubled about that happened in the past two weeks. 

Not the distant past (although those can bring on shame as well). But yesterday.

I can relate.

I have a few items that might be considered shame-worthy crossing my mind recently, too:
  • I just opened an envelope containing this piece of paper above. I have the money to pay this bill and have no idea what happened, I don’t remember ever receiving it. What do they think of me? Embarrassing.
  • I have three different events I want to attend including a memorial service, all of which require plane travel next summer. I feel bad about the cost and not sure what to do yet. I’m greedy if I do them all.
  • My husband paid for two nights at Cannon Beach, Oregon over the past two days and it’s very high for his salary as a preschool teacher–it was a gift but I keep feeling torn that I should contribute, but I also don’t want to. I’m so selfish.
  • I should put every extra penny into the plans and building of this second small cottage in our backyard which will be the final home for my mother. I have the secret thought she’s going to live until she’s 100 and I will never recuperate the cost or pay off the mortgage, and I should absolutely pay off the mortgage.
  • I need to leave my kids money, so I should just focus on work. I was too irresponsible and screwed up in my past life. I need to pay now.

I could probably find more.

 

And by the way, in the past one of the worst things I did with money is I shop-lifted when I was at college for no good reason, it seemed. I had the money. I resented having to count every penny and be so frugal and work as a waitress. So one day, I stole laundry detergent and toothpaste and other basics, and put the $20 back in my pocket for “fun”.

What I love about The Work, is if something feels and appears really, really true….and is really, really stressful…

….I can question it.

It’s that simple.

These stories and pictures flash through my head, and I can believe them, or question them.

I notice I like it much better when I question them. I love that I have that option in this lifetime. It’s an incredible option, and truly life-changing.

So let’s do The Work.

I thought the wrong way, did the wrong thing, acted selfishly with money….is that true?

Yes.

I should be completely free and “get” there’s no need to worry about money. I should pay attention and not be a flake with bills. I should be more clear, and generous, and relaxed. I shouldn’t complain. Jeez.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No. What’s the reality of it? I’m not always at ease when it comes to money. I make mistakes. I want to sneak spend on travel or education, when I think I should be saving. Sometimes I don’t want to share. I compare with others who did it “right” over many years and saved for retirement, which I did not.

No, I can’t know it’s absolutely true any of it should be different. It happened.

How do you react when you believe you screwed up, or you better be careful and watch out, or you shouldn’t spend or have a mortgage (which means “death” in French) or a Past Due notice?

I feel bad, bad, bad. Embarrassed. I imagine the way I would look if I was carefree and light and breezy and I think I should act like that.

I feel deeply apologetic.

So who would you be without this dreadfully stressful story of money and how bad I’ve been with it?

Wait.

You mean, NO THOUGHT of having been bad with money?

But that’s impossible. I have proof. (See above list, and that doesn’t include volumes of other examples I can surely find if I consider my entire life with money).

This is just a question, though. It’s wondering what it would feel like without believing in the absolute truth of this painful story?

This isn’t an invitation to enter the land of denial. It’s noticing who we’d be without the story entitled I Am Bad With Money, by Grace Bell. 

What if you were doing the best you could in every moment involving money? Would we do any less than the best we knew how, given the fear or trauma or confusion we’ve had about right, wrong, true, false, wounding, healing, enough, not enough?

Ahhhhhhh.

Without the story of money and me and all the angst of the past and the projection into the future….

….I’d relax. I’d be very present in this moment here, now.

I might even chuckle about the Past Due notice and how I received it a few hours after facilitating the money class today.

How nutty is that?

I’d notice I’m human. I’d notice how strange, and inexplicable and joyful and funny it is to be human.

I’d notice how comfortable I am, typing away here, drinking tea, looking at a whole bouquet of small orange roses from Valentine’s day still sitting in a vase of water on the table near me.

Turning the thoughts around:

I thought the right way, did the right thing, thought selfishly about my own mind (especially when it came to money). 

How could this be just as true? Well, when I believed money was required for happiness, fun and comfort, and that I couldn’t get enough of it or could lose what I already had….then my thinking matched this story of danger, worry and loss.

I did exactly the right thing that anyone would do who believed what I did about money. I sought protection, safety, rest. I was confused.

I should NOT be completely free with no need to worry about money. I should be a flake with bills. I should NOT be clear, and generous, and relaxed. I should complain. Jeez.

I could say so much about this turnaround. How terror, instead of pretending not to care about money, brought me to the deepest clarity I ever could have imagined. I finally asked for help. I questioned the worst case scenarios in my head. I got really open about my complaints. I stepped forward like I never knew I could to meet money. I started this powerful work in my life, with true sincerity.

Nothing made me do The Work like my relationship with money. Well, death, sickness and betrayal are up there near the very top, but the fear of not having enough money was stunning.

It showed me where I doubted the universe had my back, where I thought I was inadequate or undeserving, where I thought I needed to hold on for dear life or else I would suffer even MORE later on.

Who would you be without your story?

If money has given you it’s greatest support, being the way it is, what’s been great about the way it’s come and gone? What is it inviting forward in you?

What’s the BEST thing that could happen now, if everything that’s happened so far has been important to experience, for your own awakening?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. I made a new Peace Talk 135 the other day, and it’s right here on itunes.

P.P.S. you can substitute anything or anyone you feel a troubling relationship with into this inquiry: mother, father, sister, brother, partner, boss, co-worker.

Posted on

Out Beyond Good Pure Angel Food vs Bad Nasty Devil Food…there is a field

One of these things is not like the others. What if we didn’t go to war with it, but relaxed beyond the right vs wrong battle?

Jalaluddin Rumi, the famous Sufi Persian philosopher who lived 1207-1273 had a beautiful quote most of us find very familiar:

Out beyond ideas of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there. ~ Rumi

When I was a young woman, my ideas about food, eating, exercising and being in a body which needed to eat were filled with ideas about right-doing and wrong-doing.

I’m not sure there was one single neutral stand in the entire process of living my life within these confounds. Everything was labeled “good” or “bad”.

Driving around hunting for sweet sugary foods obsessively? Wrong. Evil. Bad.

If anyone saw me…shame and embarrassment forever.

Running 5 miles in the morning at dawn, followed by herbal tea and all raw food? Right. Holy. Good.

I could list for you, at the time, the tick marks I’d give each and every food in the world that was “bad” along with all the foods that were good.

Being quite full was also bad, and starving or feeling empty was good.

I never stopped to question any of these rules and regulations. All I tried to do was conform, and follow them.

Until I began to explore more deeply what my condition might mean, what my behavior might be longing for, or saying to me.

I tried an experiment you’ll find very surprising, that changed my entire approach to the Good/Bad wars of food. I “allowed” myself to eat something I previously considered “evil”.

It helped me go beyond the battle, and step into the field that Rumi spoke of so long ago….someplace peaceful, clear and joyful, without debate.

Letting everything be the way it is.

I tell you all about it here:

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Have you ever stopped to see if you believe your depressing thoughts?

Live on facebook was sweet on Feb 14th. I received many wonderful terrible thoughts about relationships to question (thank you all who sent them).

The chosen Valentine’s Day thought? What I have, should be different. Different relationship. Coupled, not single. Other person, not the one I have. Different relationship status.

Different is better. THIS isn’t good.

To see how the inquiry turned out, head over to the facebook page right here.

And for those of you patiently waiting for the website to work again, it now does (don’t use www): https://workwithgrace.com.

Finally, I did it. Peace Talk Podcast has been revived after a quiet spell.

The first topic of inquiry after this time of silence?

Gaps in communication, death, dying, endings. Except, sometimes, revivals.

You just never know how something’s going to unfold. You never do really know, do you?

Who would we be without the story that it’s better to know what’s going to happen? Or even that we can? Or that we need to make a plan, and follow it?

Not that there’s anything wrong with plans and schedules. Let’s not get crazy….knowing what time it is and agreeing to some basics makes life simple.

The bus leaves at 7:05, so get there at 6:55. You still may not leave, there still may be no bus, but oh so sweet if everything comes together and there is one. It’s fun, rather wondrous, people sharing needs and services, efficient.

Who would be be without our stories that it has to go the way we want, in order to be happy?

In a big ongoing adventure! And most importantly, feeling super curious, and having fun. Maybe having more fun than if it went the way you planned.

You can listen to the new episode 135 of Peace Talk on itunes right here. Look for the latest new episode also on google play, soundcloud, I Heart Radio and several other audio services.

Thanks for listening, for being here with me in The Work in all these ways, for coming along for this ride of questioning thoughts and unraveling the unnecessary pain.

“Do you believe what you think? Often, within pain or depression, there are thoughts you’ve had for so long and held so close that you don’t even know they are there. And you’ve never stopped to see if you even believe them.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

All It Takes To Be Happy

Next in-person event: spring retreat May 16-20 in northeast Seattle at a lovely ornate old house with a hot tub and lush, gorgeous grounds. We walk, we meditate, we hear wisdom poetry, we do a whole lot of The Work and the time together is life-changingly precious.

For information please visit here. Room for a few folks to stay at the retreat house, please email and ask grace@workwithgrace.com.

ALSO facebook live on LOVE for Valentine’s Day. 8:00 am Pacific Time February 14th. What are your stressful love thoughts? Reply back to this email to let me know. We’ll do The Work on Wednesday right here.

The other day, I heard myself talking with a dear friend who also does The Work a lot and has attended the School for The Work.

She had heard I was teaching a money course right now, after a month on money in Year of Inquiry that came first, so practically 3 months altogether of facilitating, noticing, walking with our groups through inquiry on money.

It means I’m doing The Work on money myself. I’m remembering, catching different thoughts, sharing different memories and situations. I adore hearing everyone’s stories, or sticking points, or questions, or confusion.

When the inquirers share out loud, whether in the money course or in Year of Inquiry….

….they’re communication naturally inspires others. People don’t feel so alone.

And we sure can feel alone when it comes to money.

Remember the friend I just mentioned I was speaking with? I heard myself say to her “I’ll never retire, I’ll be working until the end of my days trying to pay off my mortgage and make sure I leave something to my children, after screwing around not earning for most of my life until ten years ago.”

It was like all of the sudden my words and tone were full of self-pity and victimish sinking down into the floor.

Ugh.

It went there so fast. Ba-Bam. Hear a story, pick it up and apply it to me immediately. Feel defeated.

It was from the power of comparison. ALL OF IT. 

I heard she got a huge raise, she was about to make her final mortgage payment so her house loan was all 100% paid back, and SHE was retiring in two years.

What?

She’s so lucky. I’ll never do that. I should have started earlier and cared about money more. I’m a loser. She’s a winner. Plus, her house is triple the size of mine.

LOL. Sigh.

Is it true?

Yes. Did you hear what she said? Only 3 more mortgage payments and she’s DONE WITH HER LOAN FOREVER.

Can you absolutely know it’s true she’s lucky, and this good fortune is because her house will be paid off soon?

Haha. No.

It’s kind of embarrassing.

I suddenly see my luck to even have a loan and a house and an amazing life working from home doing The Work and sharing with people in the first place. Money flows here and there and everywhere without judgment.

The mind thinks, the mind compares…and I can never know it’s true, honestly. Before this friend told me her details, I was happy. So some words and images entering my head brought the future into my imagination, and my heart sank.

What a wild, magnificent, chaotic, strange thing…believing a thought is.

And it’s not even true.

How do I react when I believe she’s got it made, she’s good with money, I am not?

Scared. Depressed. Lots of pictures of being old and unable to work. Angry at other people who didn’t show me a better way (those parents, partners, meanie friends).

How do I treat money when I believe it’s piling up somewhere else in greater amounts than over here with me?

Gulp.

I’m jilted by it. It doesn’t like me. I’m angry, resentful. Money, you mean nasty conniving friend! You two-faced volatile one! You’re not even nice to me! Stupid money!

(I think I’m about six years old in how I react–or maybe like a jealous pre-teen who wants to date the guy SHE is dating, and is MAD about him not choosing ME).

But who would I be without this heavy, stressful, agonizing story? Without the belief she is lucky with money, she is better off, I’m not liked as much by money, I must have done something wrong?

Who would I be without the belief that money likes her better, like I’m not as likable, not as loved, not claimed, not so wanted?

Ooooh, this is exciting to wonder about!

Without the belief that more money means I’m better off, or safer, or claimed, or honored or favored or loved?

Wow.

Who would I be without that belief?

Noticing the amazing, astonishing abundance around me.

Kitchen lights, colors, red carpet with gold flowers, brown leather purse, laptop, wall calendar, bookshelf, silver ring with sea blue stone, fridge, lamp, silence, wallet with cash inside, four coats in my closet and one draped over the couch, beautiful sound of friend’s voice telling of her joy and hand-clapping, noticing the celebration of life whether money is around or not around, cowboy boot string lights through the living room window.

Without my story, I’m so open to my friend’s phone conversation. I’m excited with her. I hear a person who feels loved and relieved and happy. She’s showing me what it’s like to feel this wonderful way. I’m in the presence of joy.

Turning the thought around:

“I’ll always retire, I’ll be playing until the end of my days paying off my mortgage and adore giving so much to my children. I played just the perfect amount and DID earn most of my life before ten years ago (jeez, that’s true).”

How could the story I have lived with money support me with perfection…no other alternate way possible?

First of all, the reality of it is the way it has been. And in this moment, right now with inquiry, the reality becomes different than my complaint about it.

It’s been perfect with work and money, because I get to meet all these incredible people and have the most intimate and beautiful, holy, sacred, honest, touching conversations with them. We share the most powerful communication in life–the things that bring us to our knees.

It’s perfect with money because I can see nothing more is required in this moment, except inquiry. I get to discover the brilliance that money, or someone else giving it to me, or something being zero-ed out (like a loan for a house) is not required for my own deepest happiness.

Wouldn’t I want to find out that peace is possible without money, or any person, or anything needing to change…including myself?

Astonishing.

It’s unconditional love. Truly un-conditional. No requests. No demands. No adjustments. No hopes. No wishes. No thinking to money, or to any relationship or to any part of life or reality “if you change, then I will be happy”. 

Such freedom, such freedom.

“It takes only one person to have a happy marriage, and that one is you.” ~ Byron Katie

In this moment, married to the silence, married to the news from my friend about her coming retirement (whatever that is), married to listening, married to money.

Married to reality.

Without my story….happy.

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

Do You Think You Need To Change Your Thinking?

We all know there’s something going on with this mind, and it’s not always helpful, it seems.

We have thoughts about our own thinking:

  • I should change my thoughts
  • I need to fix my mind
  • I have to eliminate my negative thoughts
  • I need to stop thinking completely
  • This thinking is horrible, bad, wrong, idiotic
  • I need to destroy my “ego”

But this big thought of needing to change thought itself, so I can stop being driven crazy or eating the wrong way….

….is another war against reality.

Are you sure it’s true, you need to fix your mind?

Hmmm. Yes. Seems true.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

No. If I was in charge, I would have changed by now, but something’s going on here that is beyond “me”….and this mind appears to “think”.

How do you react when you believe you should change your mind, your thoughts, that you should battle with them?

I flip flop between aggression towards thinking, and despair about thinking. I feel very discouraged. I run around the world trying to find out where I can crush my thoughts, fix them, or switch them. Who can help?

I chant positive affirmations.

Sigh. It’s a lot of work.

Who would you be without your story of needing to fix your mind?

Woah. What?

No thought of fixing this?

A strange predicament.

But interesting. And then, perhaps….very freeing.

Posted on

Expect reality NOT to follow your plan

For the month of February inside Year of Inquiry our topic is Relationships.

Relationships of any kind.

Now, I’m aware that this is a huge wide range of choices for relationship when they are any kind. But inside, you usually know which ones to investigate.

Anyone who’s disturbed you. Anyone who’s bothered you. Anyone who you feel less than peaceful when you think of them.

You might be thinking “Where do I even begin? There are so many people who’ve bugged me!”

You might also be thinking, like so many people do, that you already know it’s all about you and not the other people, so you just want to focus on YOUR inadequacies and imperfections.

The thing is, focusing on you is still joining in on the belief that there’s a problem. You’re assuming there’s a problem in the first place, right?

Someone’s doing it wrong…let’s fix it!

The other day as we began the Year of Inquiry presentation we always start with every month, like a little mini workshop on the topic, I drew a lot of information from Byron Katie’s book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?”

Especially about the concept of “needing”, having needs, receiving what you need, or getting your needs met, as we say these days.

That’s a simple place to start. You might ask yourself the question “in what situation, with whom, did I not get my needs met?”

Hmmm.

Images float through the mind of moments. Moments where I believed I didn’t have love, support, care, attention, safety.

Yeah. Remember that time one of your supposed best friends stabbed you in the back and reported you to the authorities for entirely false reasons? Remember that love interest who acted like a stalker and freaked out? Remember that relative who quit communicating? Remember when that stranger stole your luggage? Remember when your dad died? Remember when you were abandoned?

Stories flash through. Sometimes we find proof that we didn’t have what we needed waaaaay back. It started young.

But can you absolutely know it’s true?

Rats. No. I’m here now, breathing, alive, having a pretty spectacular life honestly.

It can’t be absolute that I didn’t get what I needed.

Otherwise, I wouldn’t even be here. (And that’s not even true that if I wasn’t here, it means I didn’t get my needs met–we all seem to perish or transform into whatever’s next. It’s called dying. Everyone gets to do it.)

How do you react when you believe you weren’t supported, loved, honored…that you didn’t get what you needed?

I shake my fist at the sky! I shout “Bloody Hell!” with a gruff look at an imaginary God who is supposedly looking down. Resentful. Tense.

Who would you be without your belief that you didn’t get what you needed?

Huh? But….

Really wondering who I’d be without believing this story of having needed something and missed it….

….a softness is here. A recognition that who I am without my desperate, sure, anxious, victim-minded thinking, is relaxation. Being. Just here.

No need for it to feel ecstatic, loving, thrilling or “good” or pleasurable.

Here. Just here. Natural.

Noticing all is very, very well and I’m temporarily in this life showing up as this right now, and all the things I’ve ever thought that happened that were BAD about relationships are over. 

Noticing I have no idea what is needed and what isn’t…and when I DO think I know, I’m often wrong.

Noticing how liberating it is to Not Know what’s best for anyone or for me.

“The alternative is to expect reality NOT to follow your plan. You realize that you have no idea what’s going to happen next. That way, you’re pleasantly surprised when things seem to be going your way, and you’re pleasantly surprised when they don’t. In the second case, you may not have seen what the new possibilities are yet, but life quickly reveals them….a life beyond your schemes and expectations.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning my thoughts around: I’ve always had just what I needed. Every one of those people has supported me in getting exactly what I needed. My thinking didn’t give me what I needed.

Wow.

How could these be just as true, or truer?

When I didn’t get what I hoped for or expected, I had to reset, to regroup, to learn, to ask for help, to give up. My sense of “me” and my grabbiness was crushed. I woke up (sometimes it felt like a slap in the face awakening–but apparently that was required).

I found my self-sufficiency that had nothing to do with having a mind or having a thought. Magic happened. Loss turned into transformation. I became aware of what I truly value–and it wasn’t other people providing my needs.

In every situation where someone was less or different than what I expected, I can ponder what was supportive about that experience.

You can too.

Success is as dangerous as failure. 
Hope is as hollow as fear. What does it mean that success is a dangerous as failure? 
Whether you go up the ladder or down it, 
you position is shaky. 
When you stand with your two feet on the ground, 
you will always keep your balance. 
What does it mean that hope is as hollow as fear? 
Hope and fear are both phantoms  

that arise from thinking of the self. 
When we don’t see the self as self,  

what do we have to fear? 
See the world as your self. 
Have faith in the way things are. 
Love the world as your self; 
then you can care for all things. 

~ Tao Te Ching #13 Translated by Stephen Mitchell

Those relationship moments that hurt?

I can practice having faith in how they went. I can find examples of how they helped me grow, what they revealed.

I’m not sure what the ultimate outcome will be, but it sure is more fun than thinking I didn’t get what I needed.

What could be more exciting, heart-breaking and joyful than thinking I got just what I needed in every moment for my entire life….and everything’s OK, even when it isn’t (according to my plans)?

Can you feel it?

Much love,

Grace