Events – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

March 4, 2021April 2, 2024

power of doing The Work with others

How in the heck can I do more of this inquiry work?

Or really, the true question for many (for me) was: How can I just have this thing downloaded into my brain and “get” it? And stop feeling bad?

I want peace! ASAP!

That’s what I thought when I read Loving What Is by Byron Katie, and couldn’t figure out how to really “do” The Work on my own, in my house, on my couch.

I’m an introvert! I don’t want to have to go places, join things, go to a school, take a course….waaaaaah.

Can’t this be easier?

Well.

I’ve learned something about myself as I’ve spent time in this beautiful process called questioning the mind.

It doesn’t work so much in a vacuum.

Knocking around in your own mind can be quite interesting, and yes, it can bring insight….but it’s 100 times more powerful when done with other people.

Even for introverts who like the solitary.

Maybe especially for introverts.

Those who believe they don’t like groups, just know, neither–I thought–did I.

However, they saved and changed my life.

All folks, introverted or extraverted (if you even believe in those labels) might have times where they believe people are scary, shady, untrustworthy.

The thought that there was something powerful to learn through inquiry became more important than staying home in my safe place.

So off I flew to the School for The Work.

But I gotta admit.

I chose middle rows, not too far to the front, and maybe even sometimes the back. Waaaay back.

I didn’t “turn to my neighbor” to share unless directed explicitly to do so.

And still, the burr of self-inquiry got into me.

I was an entirely changed person leaving that school. The feeling was magnificent.

The tool has never left, and expanded and broadened and gotten more vibrant over time.

Yes, things I’ve thought of as HORRIBLE have occurred in my life.

Don’t get me started.

And yet, I can hold life as the most fascinating, magnificent experience in every moment–especially those wildly difficult ones.

Especially.

So let’s do The Work again, friends. Let’s imagine and un-think and then feel and un-feel, then return to who we are without our stories.

We were this all along.

Mysterious, wild. Heart-broken, present. Willing. Looking forward to everything that happens.

Upcoming events:
*FIRST FRIDAY! Wheee! This is a completely no-fee inquiry session for anyone and everyone gathering on zoom. Come with video on or off. I won’t call on you. LOL. You’re safe. 7:45-9:15am Pacific Time. Connect here tomorrow from your timezone wherever you are by clicking HERE. Passcode “isittrue?” (don’t forget the question mark).

*Spring Retreat: Thurs 3/25-Sun 3/28 9:00am-12:30pm each day except Saturday 8:00am-9:30am followed by optional dancing online from 10:15am-11:45am. All Pacific Time. Learn more here.

*Eating Peace Inquiry Circle ongoing Membership starting April 1st. Healing at the level of mind for those suffering from compulsive behavior with food, eating or body image/weight. Live sessions, private online forum. Learn more here.

*Eating Peace Immersion Retreat April 26-May 2, 2021. Read about retreat here.

*Eating Peace Basics 101 8 week course May 5th-June 23, 2021 9am-10:30am PT here.

*Relationship Hell to Heaven: BreakUp, Divorce, Separation May 13-June 17th 9-11am PT here.

Much love,
Grace

February 20, 2021

The only important house to clean: your mind

Spring Mental Cleanse is coming: March 25-28, 2021.

Sign up for Thursday only, Thurs+Friday, or the whole retreat Thurs-Sunday (Saturday’s a bonus day for everyone enrolled).

It’s all sliding scale, you choose (suggested fee a minimum of $60 per session).

Thursday 3/25, Friday 3/26 and Sunday 3/27 we meet 9:00am-12:30pm Pacific Time, and Saturday we meet 8:00am-9:30am PT followed by dancing–online–for those who’d love to attend.

It’s a time for deep cleansing internally on the beliefs we’ve sometimes been carrying with us unconsciously for years and years.

Read more about spring cleaning retreat here.

Speaking of the need, and the joy, of deep cleaning….

We all know what that’s like when you do it for reals.

Like, with actual cleaning.

Way under the bookcase there’s are dust bunnies in literal clumps. Along the back of the couch spiders have been congregating all winter in the crack where floor meets wall.

The file cabinet needs to be unstuffed and papers shredded. Books and old clothes need to go to Goodwill.

Maybe you’re not sure exactly what that gunk is in the back of the fridge, which also has an unrecognizable rotten thing in tin foil we forgot about a few weeks ago.

OK, a few months ago.

I like the way, for a good thorough cleaning of something we’re tackling, we open up the thing entirely.

We literally pick up the piece of furniture and move it to the center of the room.

We empty all the contents.

Sometimes the whole place looks worse before it gets better.

Bottles and tins and bags are strewn all over the dining room table in stacks while you get the fridge drawers pulled out and scrub them in the sink with hot soapy water.

It’s a project.

Sometimes along the way, you might think “Good lord, why did I start this? It’s taking way longer than I imagined.”

“This is exhausting. How’d it get sooooo dirty?”

“I wonder how much this would cost to pay someone to come and do this instead?”

Cleaning is not exactly….easy.

But neither is letting everything get dirtier, and dirtier, and more sticky, and more dusty and black and thick and gross.

And if you’ve ever really done a good clean-out of anything, it is amazingly satisfying.

A strange kind of joy comes when you neatly place the thinned-out clothes in the drawers again, or have room in your closet for everything you own.

It’s tending to life, tending to the hearth, the home.

That’s how I think of doing The Work with the unkempt mind–the unquestioned mind.

The mind that gets a bit bleak, dirty, thick with dust.

It gets ugly in there. A few spiders, if you know what I mean.

Good news.

Nothing like a beautiful piece of inquiry to find freedom from repetitive thinking, or repetitive behavior or worry.

The mind is so brilliant, it carries around memories and impact from far earlier times and shows them to you like a slide show over and over until you’re willing to look, and feel fully what you’ve been hiding, or simply ignoring, under the couch.

Sure, no one escapes pain.

We have immense loss: people we love die, viruses descend, jobs end, houses burn, money goes, it seems our dreams don’t manifest, we ourselves grow older.

All those things happen. But then there is suffering about them, through reminding yourself of them and feeling bad all over again.

Unnecessary suffering.

Suffering because we get stuck in a mindset, a way of thinking–and we don’t know how to stop of get out of it.

Heck, we don’t even know we’re doing it!

At least this is what I’ve seen so many times with my own work.

For example, I used to believe–without really even knowing consciously I believed it to the core–that I was abandoned, could be abandoned and probably will be abandoned in the future by people I care about.

I had a strategy I then decided that it’s better to Not Be Attached, so that I don’t get hurt by potential abandonment.

Abandonment being a fact and all.

I didn’t even know I had this running so strongly until my first husband left after 16 years of marriage, and I was fully and completely reminded of my father’s death many years earlier.

I had the solid belief about life: people leave, people die, people are unreliable….and it’s very very sad, dangerous, intolerable and I’m all alone when it happens.

I didn’t know how things had piled up and gotten thick and dusty and heavy.

I didn’t know the demands I had on my first husband to remain in place, or else….

I was dependent, without even realizing it.

Dependent on his presence, on his staying whether he liked it or not, on things going “well” (i.e. my way) so I could be safe and happy.

The four questions changed this kind of painful thinking for me.

Fundamentally, entirely.

At a deep spring cleaning level.

It’s like opening up the cupboard, emptying out everything so you can take a look, and beginning the scrubbing.

It might look worse before it looks better.

But it’s oh so worth it.

The freedom of a clear, organized closet–a clear, organized mind.

I hope you’ll join me in the spring cleanse in The Work of Byron Katie, an annual event that will now for the second year be again online.

In four days you can do a whole lot of cleaning–probably the entire house.

Including the basement. Maybe we’ll start there.

Join me HERE.

Spring Mental Cleanse Schedule Online:

Thursday March 25, Friday March 26, Sunday March 28

9am-12:30pm PT
Noon-3:30pm ET
5pm-8:30pm UK
6pm-9:30pm Paris
7pm-10:30pm Israel/ South Africa
6am-9:30am Hawaii

(Saturday March 27th we meet 8am-9:30am PT +dancing)

Much love,

Grace

November 24, 2020

How to stop worrying about someone else’s worrying

In only one week from today, what I already know will be an amazing time will begin. Six days in a row of being with others together online (zoom) to delve deeply into The Work and self-inquiry.

(Scroll to the end to get the daily schedule and info).

I’m co-facilitating this one with my colleague and friend Tom Compton. He’s brilliant and well-seasoned in The Work: for over 30 years he’s been doing this process and sitting in the four questions, along with working with other people.

We have absolutely loved co-facilitating retreats together.

We’re so looking forward to doing it again.

Here’s me interviewing Tom about his experience with The Work, in case you’d like to get to know him a little better:

One thing we’ll be asking everyone attending retreat (I’m asking myself right now):

What’s been scaring you, making you nervous, irritating you, or bringing despair?

What do you notice bothers or disturbs your psyche, your mood, your inner natural experience of peace?

Recently, I had an awareness of something that seemed important.

How do I know it was important–at least important for inquiry?

It disturbed me.

Someone who I adore and have known their entire life shared how angry they’ve been with the world and a situation they’ve encountered.

Have you ever had someone close to you share something deeply disturbing, and you clench up yourself?

“Yikes, that sounds terrible,” we might say.

I noticed I saw visions of them being depressed. A picture of them with head in hands, lonely and sad, scheming on suicidal thoughts.

They did NOT tell me they were suicidal specifically.

But oh look what the mind did.

We join with the person who is crying “this is so awful, really it is so so so awful.”

Nothing wrong with that. Except.

When I begin to believe they are not safe, they are not loved, they are not capable, they are suffering terribly.

Something about sitting with someone who is doing The Work, incidentally, I entirely trust the process.

I don’t “worry”.

I know they’re OK, they are working on it, they are underway with the power of love at their side.

But this was someone who doesn’t exactly do The Work and there they were, sharing about the depth of their misery.

That person is miserable.

What do you think this means, that they’re miserable? I noticed for me, that was where the fear rose up. It means they don’t want to live. It means they’ve lost their happiness.

Is it true, they shouldn’t be so miserable?

I don’t know.

So, no.

What happens when you believe it’s true?

WORRY.

Trying to problem-solve, figure out how to handle the situation, make it better, give suggestions, offer advice, offer to jump in and take care.

There can be a whole list of what would “make it better” that they need to “get”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with reaching out or being there to help. But this is noticing I was doing it with FEAR in the background.

So who would I be without the belief this person is fundamentally miserable?

This can sound cold to even consider. Like you don’t care about them and their perspective.

But I sat for a moment, imagining this person I love dearly seeming to be so stuck and unhappy and angry…

…without the belief “they are miserable–and this must be fixed by me, as soon as possible. I must help! This is dangerous!”

Without this belief, I stay present.

I’m not afraid to be with someone who is suffering. I might say “if you ever want to try doing The Work, I’m available and here for you”. I check in on them.

I remember suddenly the way I felt when I started hospice work on a really beautiful research project run through the University of Washington almost 20 years ago. My very first patient I saw as a research assistant, I felt trepidation entering her apartment. She was dying of breast cancer. I asked her many questions about pain, depression, emotions and fears. All of them pre-written for this project.

Once I was finished speaking with her and back in my little car in the rainy parking lot, I sobbed.

But then, it got easier and easier. By the fifth person, I was able to sit with them and know nothing was required except to be there and ask the questions they had already agreed to be asked. I enjoyed my job so much, I was shocked. It felt so genuine, so real.

Back to my loved one.

I noticed this person said “I don’t want any advice. I just want you to hear me”.

So good to know. Reality tells you what’s needed.

No Advice. No problem-solving.

Turning the thought around: If someone tells a terrible story, it does NOT mean they’ll be miserable forever, or suicidal, or broken.

It means they’re whole, intact, aware, moving towards joy.

Could it be just as true?

Why not? Don’t I notice the power of healing, of freedom and joy over and over again?

Yes I do.

Turning the thought around again: If someone tells me their miserable story, my thinking is miserable…not them.

Wow. Yes, I joined in.

I added some anxiety to the pot even.

I believed, just like them.

This person gave me the opportunity to hold and question a thought that misery must be stopped….that it doesn’t stop itself.

I imagined God, reality, support, love, source, mystery, magic and miracles were not possible in this situation, were not already underway.

Oops.

Who needs God, when we have my opinion?

Byron Katie used to say this with a smile from time to time sitting with people who made extra good cases for their misery and suffering and terrible predicaments.

I loved it when I first heard it.

I love noticing that tendency within me that says “No thanks, reality…I’ll take care of this myself! You obviously don’t know how to manage things around here!”

That mind that doesn’t believe love and rest and abundance and ease is possible in certain situations. That mind that doesn’t remember everything passes, and nothing is All Bad. That mind that is not in charge of other people’s healing.

Or my own, for that matter.

I can’t give you anything you don’t already have. Self-inquiry allows you access to the wisdom that already exists within you. It gives you the opportunity to realize the truth for yourself. Truth doesn’t come or go; it’s always here, always available to the open mind. If I can teach you anything, it is to identify the stressful thoughts that you’re believing and to question them, to get still enough so that you can hear your own answers. Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories. The Work gives you a portal into wisdom, a way to tap into the answers that wake you up to your true nature, until you realize how all suffering is caused and how it can be ended. It returns you to before the beginning of things. Who would you be without your identity?

Winter Retreat meets Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence.

9am-11:30am Pacific Time daily and 3:30-6:00pm Pacific Time daily. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here.

Sliding scale.

Much love,
Grace

November 17, 2020November 17, 2020

there’s something wrong with anxiety

There must be something wrong with me–I know, because of this anxiety.

Have you ever had that thought?

Whether a moment when you dropped a dish and it smashed to pieces, or someone broke up with you, or you weighed yourself (we’re looking at this in Eating Peace program) or you lost your temper, or you lost your house because of difficult financial circumstances….

….so many times we’ve reacted.

“Yikes! Oh no!”

I did it wrong.

Because I did it wrong, I’ll die without succeeding. I’ll fail. I’ll suffer. I’ll be alone forever. I won’t get “there”.

Some of us take so much responsibility for problems, we’re anxious, then we’re depressed and incredibly full of despair.

But can you be sure there’s something wrong with you because you’re anxious?

Think of just one situation.

For example, two different inquirers brought this to the pot in the past couple of weeks:

They were anxiously thinking about the future.

They were against feeling so anxious. Their minds were out of control.

Unchangeable.

“I’ve been working on this for soooooo long. Why don’t I stop obsessing? Why do I continue to be like this?!”

So if you’ve experience anxiety, and then berated yourself for being anxious….this inquiry is for you.

My situation. Two years ago (ish) in February on a very dark wintry rainy weekend in the northwest. I’m out of town with my husband for a long weekend.

In the hotel room, we receive an email saying they’ll be moving ahead with the building project in our back yard. A new small house with a ground floor apartment for my mother in her elder years, and a studio/office space up above for groups and inquiry work.

They would need $52,000 to begin on Tuesday.

I begin to sweat.

Holy Mother of God, what have we done? This is going to cost so much more than that. If this is only what they need to get started, how will this unfold? What if we don’t have enough? How did we ever think we could do something so massive? Why didn’t we just pay off our house instead of refinancing and building?

How could I have imagined I would even be eligible to do such a grand, gigantic thing?

People are starving in Africa.

As my husband began to breathe heavily later, in a deep and restful sleep, I began to think.

Maybe we should back out of this.

And by the way, why are we in a hotel? We should be saving any extra money for this ginormous project.

We should probably leave in the morning. I don’t like it here.

Now, you might think….she probably started doing The Work in the middle of the night, right?

Oh no.

I was having a full on epileptic thinking seizure. I stared at airplane lights far in the distance out the dark window, wondering how I picked a hotel this close to the airport.

I’m honestly still not sure why or how that all rose up to such a heightened sense of speeding thought, and how it happened that all sense of safety was sucked out of the room. (That’s dramatic–the room was entirely safe. The future, in my head, was unsafe).

I’m not sure why I did not meet the anxious mind with four questions as I always find liberating.

Maybe the fire needed to burn very brightly, so I could see how much I feared not having enough in the future.

I had images of boarded-up unfinished houses seen in neighborhoods sometimes. People who started a big project, and couldn’t finish it.

I had images of stocks plunging to zero and everything tanking.

“What is wrong with you?”, I thought.

“Don’t you want a simple life?”

People who come into the programs I facilitate often come with this core belief running in the background, this terrible doubt about themselves; Relationship Hell to Heaven (which just ended last Sunday, such a beautiful healing group), Year of Inquiry (gathering all year for self-inquiry together), Eating Peace (people feeling horrible about their eating issues).

Everyone is upset with how life has gone, and especially how they’ve responded to it.

Is it true there’s something wrong with you, if you’ve been full of emotions, like anxiety?

Are you absolutely sure it’s wrong to feel anxious?

No.

What’s the reality? Anxiety exists.

What happens when you’re upset with anxiety, with thinking, with a circumstance or a condition that sends you into fear?

I see flashes of terrible failure in the future.

Suffering. Sorrow. Regret.

I have to make the right decision NOW. I panic and run. Or I jump in when not quite ready.

Everything on the topic is an emergency.

In my mind that night during the news that our plans were really happening, I was unexpectedly thrown off by my panic about the unknown future…and money.

Who would I be without the belief that something was wrong? With me? With the circumstance?

Aware that nothing WAS actually wrong in that moment.

Even with this mind.

It was doing its job, reminding (re-mind-ing) me that only ten years earlier I almost lost the very same property to foreclosure and debt. Reminding me I should be very careful (which can be questioned). Reminding me I’ve suffered in the past, so suffering may happen again in the future.

But it was just mental images and thoughts and imagination and stored memory presenting itself.

I could question it all.

Who are we without our thoughts about the thing causing anxiety, and the anxiety itself?

I love we can turn the mind towards using the imagination for support and loving kindness, rather than drama and chaos.

Without my beliefs running, I’d notice the stillness and the powerful support of the present moment.

Turning the thought around: there’s something wrong with my thinking.

Yes, I can see my thinking, left unto itself, runs rampant when believing there’s a threat.

Turning the thought around: there’s something RIGHT with me (as I gaze at anxiety).

Could this be just as true, or truer?

Anxious images in a slide show, anxious feelings in the body.

And still, woman listening to husband’s sleeping breath. Looking through a glass at the night sky. Listening to the quiet room.

Stillness present.

Safety present.

Secure in gravity, warmth, resting, oxygen.

Mind busy, doing what it was born to do.

Nothing wrong.

“It’s not our thoughts, but our attachment to our thoughts, that causes suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Body lying on a bed, feeling what the mind is thinking.

Failing to notice the joy of the space, the support, the slowness. Failing to notice no check needs to be written in the middle of the night, right at that moment.

All else, perfectly in order, perfectly on time.

Life, offering something. Person reacting to it and believing. Person believing the thought that believing a thought was wrong.

A lovely inquirer in Year of Inquiry said in passing in our call last Saturday “that Rumi poem about staring at the wound, that one…”

It’s one of my favorites, and I read it at retreats quite often.

I opened it up later to re-read it, and bring it to this memory of an imagined anxious sleepless night, noticing the intensity and beauty of that weekend and the turning within, the awareness. The invitation.

Look.

Look again.

Who are you, without your thoughts, even in that past memory of anxiety?

Who are you without your thoughts that having anxious thoughts is terrible, or wrong or unenlightened?

Healing the past, in the present moment of inquiry.

Calling back the past “see, it’s OK, it always was. Relax, relax.”

Kind to the anxious one. Willing to question.

“Trust your wound to a teacher’s surgery.
Flies collect on a wound.
They cover it, those flies of your self-protecting feelings,
your love for what you think is yours.
Let a Teacher wave away the flies and put a plaster on the wound.
Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.
And don’t believe for a moment that you’re healing yourself.”
~ Rumi

If you have a past memory that surfaces, an experience of something “wrong” with you, with others, with life….

….you can believe your thoughts (how brilliant that you have done so) and you can also answer four questions and find turnarounds and un-believe your thoughts.

We can keep looking at the wounds, and not turn our heads.

Letting the light enter us.

If you want to, join me and the wonderful Tom Compton as we support you in healing the anxious mind with The Work.

Everyone, experienced to beginner, is welcome.

We meet Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

We have wonderful things planned and the unplanned will present itself, as it always does, to hold us in steady joy and silence in the background of it all.

We can’t wait to be in the adventure.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here. Sliding scale $375 – $895 for six days.

We prepare for winter, on the inside, on the outside.

The immense gift of inquiry: noticing reality is kind. Noticing reality is a teacher. Noticing reality can be trusted.

Astonishing.

Much love,
Grace

November 12, 2020November 12, 2020

Election fears, terror of death and Peace Talk Episode 172

This past couple of weeks has been so exciting.

I’ve gotten to facilitate others (and myself, always) on their beliefs about physical pain, illness, weight or weight loss, aggression, fear and terror of someone dying in the future (who we love), and nail-biting on the political scene in the USA.

Here came the thoughts, hitting people like hail in a great storm.

I loved sitting with each and every person:

I’m not safe
the election must have the “right” outcome
my well-being depends on politicians’ behavior
my body is not safe with this condition (pain, disease, political scene, over-eating)
something terrible will happen
I’m being abandoned

The amazing people I get to do The Work with unique backgrounds, languages, countries, ages, experiences….

….and yet all considering their minds and how powerful the stressful thinking can be.

What do we do with images and fears about what will happen in the future?

This is all it takes. This is step one:

Willing.

Willing to look more closely. Willing to identify what I’m believing. Willing to feel those feelings. Willing to be with the suffering instead of push it away, block it out, try to destroy it, hide from it.

Someone joined Year of Inquiry this week, someone else joined Eating Peace. These programs already started and they asked and said “I really want this”.

They felt a drop of “willing” to step into this work more deliberately, more regularly.

Anyone can do it, if you have a pen and paper or a friend who can ask you four questions.

So let’s look at lack of safety, as so many people felt it was looming.

Is it true that you are not safe and your well-being depends on a certain outcome?

I think of all the moments I thought of this as true.

My father’s cancer and death.

A dear friend’s betrayal and silence.

A partner leaving unexpectedly.

War. Fires. Death.

(I often reacted by eating, eating, eating and then vomiting or starving for days, and focusing on the belief that my well-being depends on eating right. AFTER the other stuff already was looming).

Question one: Is it true our safety exists only if it goes “well” or our success happens only if it goes as we hoped?

No.

What happens when we believe it absolutely has to go THAT way (the way we want)?

We’re freaking out if it doesn’t go our way. We’re terrified if it doesn’t. We’re bitter, angry, resentful, depressed. The whole world appears to be unsafe.

So who are we without this thought of being dependent on something happening (you know what it is) in order to be happy?

Wow. Really?

It’s just an experiment. This doesn’t mean you should not believe it would be better if things went your way.

It’s only a way to use mind, which is so powerful, as a tool of support rather than a fear-monger.

Being “without stressful thought” doesn’t mean being passive.

Without this thought, I feel a sense of trust, of openness. Of absolute freedom and independence from conditions to make me happy.

Which feels like the ultimate empowerment, to be honest.

It feels like freedom. Even joy.

TurnAround: No one and nothing can make me endlessly unhappy, or hurt me, or keep me depressed. Only my depressive thinking, or my anxiety-riddled thinking can bring depression or anxiety (or both). I don’t need it to go my way, in order to be happy. I can be happy just because.

My thinking isn’t safe, I AM safe, life is safe
the election must have whatever outcome it has
my well-being depends on my questioned thinking
my thoughts are not safe with this condition (pain, disease, political scene, over-eating)
something wonderful will happen
I’m being set free

And even my thinking doesn’t need to be the problem.

By questioning the belief that these things shouldn’t happen, you can end your own suffering about the suffering of others. And once you do, you’ll be able to notice that this makes you a kinder human being, someone who is motivated by love rather than outrage or sadness. The end of suffering in the world begins with the end of suffering in you. ~ Byron Katie

Watch inquirers as we walk through stressful beliefs causing fear and terror. Join me on any future First Friday for this work.

Or listen on Peace Talk podcast or download audio-only here.

Devoting time to self-inquiry, even just a little, can bring one moment of insight that could change your life. This process has changed mine, thought by questioned-thought. Not too crazy fast, not too slow, right on time.

Join me and the good Tom Compton in our upcoming six-day winter retreat for the brilliant power of self-inquiry to connect us all more deeply to our one precious life.

Only 19 days until we start. Can’t wait to share the time.

If you’ve noticed anxiety, fear, intolerance, frustration, nerves, worry….this is the place to practice becoming your own willing and loving advisor.

Four questions. Your answers.

Much love,

Grace

October 14, 2020

By Tuesday, I got off the wheel (retreat starts tomorrow–one session per day online)

Oh I am having fun with all the last-minute shuffling for retreat starting tomorrow.

For those of you contemplating: we meet only 3 hours from 9am-Noon Pacific Time tomorrow on Thursday, on Friday and on Sunday…and afternoon from 2-5 this Saturday (dancing Saturday morning for those who want–all online, yes).

(Those of you needing it can watch the Saturday recording instead of attending live).

Pay-from-the-heart sliding scale to join. You get to pick what works for you financially right now.

If you’ve got curiosity for The Work, are brand new or have lots of experience, you’ll get to identify a situation you find objectionable in your life….and transform it by asking four questions and finding turnarounds.

If you think that’s not possible….this is a good time to experiment and see.

Join us by signing up here.

*******************

Speaking of objectionable.

In the Year of Inquiry group yesterday, we looked at a stressful thought about other people: “they have it better”.

Many of us think those other people have it “better”.

What a fabulous contemplation.

I’ll never forget walking on the sidewalk not so far from my little cottage on foot, staring at the big gorgeous houses lined up along Lake Washington.

My hands were in my pockets in tight fists.

These home-dwellers must have done something right.

Why did THEY get to have big houses, all lit up with fall and Halloween decorations, full of happy people (all of them probably in happy relationships–I was navigating a divorce)?

What did I do wrong?

I love the questions: What’s your proof that they have it better? How do you know?

Those people have:

money to trade for anything wanted
possessions or pretty things owned, acquired, gathered around
body health, appearance, strength, youth
freedom to do whatever you want with your time
not having to “do” something like work at a job, clean the house, take out the garbage
no physical pain, no disease, no problems
winning
status: great job, leadership, importance
being the president or the biggest boss of all time
attaining enlightenment, peace, wisdom

We have the top hits of what “better” looks like.

Wealth, Love, Enlightenment, Health.

Isn’t it funny how we see it in a glimpse, meet someone, notice their surroundings, imagine their experience, envision their joy or power or wealth or success….

….and sometimes that tricky rabbit (mind) says “OMG that’s better than this, than me!”

How do you react when you think it, when you compare?

Sad. Despairing. Sorry.

What I noticed as I sat doing this work with our Year of Inquiry group is a lot of back-tracking in the mind, when believing this thought that Those People have it better.

“If only I had decided age 25 to go to Med School…” or “if only I had never fallen in love with that man!”…or “if only I hadn’t gone to Italy”…”if only I had sent my kid to that other school”….

Lots of “if-only” thinking, wishing we had done something different.

The mind is amazing how it can go backwards in time and offer suggestions on how you might have done it differently.

LOL.

So who would you be without the belief “they have it better”?

Ask this question in just one of the situations you’ve noticed when you thought this.

Standing on that quiet sidewalk so many years ago, who would I be without the thought?

Breathing a deep breath of fresh fall air. Noticing fallen leaves glistening in the street.

Feeling something here, without thought. Being. Alive.

Noticing that truly, truly, observing a wide street with houses means nothing….in a wonderful way.

No better, no worse possible.

Here-ness is all.

Buzzing, humming here-ness. Joy.

No extra step needed, nothing from the environment, no “things” like money, no health, no body, no status, no winning, nothing special required.

Here is here.

Nothing was needed to get to it–except perhaps four questions.

Turning it around: This is better. This is it. There is no better or worse except in thought. Only my mind imagines “better” over there (or “worse” over there, for that matter).

Ahhhhhh…..

Thinking Like A Butterfly

Monday I was told I was good.

I felt relieved.

Tuesday I was ignored.

I felt invisible.

Wednesday I was snapped at.

I began to doubt myself.

On Thursday I was rejected.

Now I was afraid.

On Saturday I was thanked

for being me. My soul relaxed.

On Sunday I was left alone

till the part of me that can’t

be influenced grew tired of

submitting and resisting.

Monday I was told I was good.

By Tuesday I got off the wheel.

We’ll share sacred poetry and inspiring quotes, do our work together, wonder out loud who we are without our thinking.

Want to come along?

Much love,

Grace

October 13, 2020October 13, 2020

Why imagine when we can question stress…and love reality (+join me for retreat THIS Thursday-Sunday)

Autumn 4-day retreat starts in 2 days on 10/15, and it’s all online. Thursday, Friday and Sunday we meet 9am-Noon Pacific Time, while Saturday we meet 2-5pm PT.

(I know the Saturday isn’t great for some of your time zones but it will be recorded and not required to attend if it’s a burden).

Do we stop making plans? (+ year of inquiry information)

It’s interesting the way we “make” plans.

I plan to do “x” tomorrow, and “y” next year. I plan on living at “z” in 2025 and visiting “q” in the summer. I plan on washing my clothes on Saturday. I plan on meditating at 7am every day.

Then, there’s what actually happens. Sometimes the plan goes as expected, sometimes not.

Stress can rise up when the plans are made because of stress, because of a need for control, because of fear, because of aggression against What Is. (This is where “diets” or ways-of-eating often came in for me).

It does seem like plans are fun and loving when the reason for them is loving, kind, joyful, exciting, supportive.

So what’s a peaceful, loving, fun plan?

Doesn’t that sound nice, to have a fun and loving plan for just about anything you dream about and say “I’ll make a plan for that!”

Year of Inquiry starts in a month.

It won’t be the way the mind exactly “plans” it.

That’s impossible, honestly.

And yet, in the midst of the now, and this thing called “time” and the imagined future for anything….in this case the Year of Inquiry….I’ve been pondering what will be different this coming year.

One thing that’s going to be different, for example, is Saturdays.

One of the times you can join, which has been asked from people wanting to attend for years, is the weekend.

Why not? I used to find a clear reason why not with kids and family and friends and dancing on Saturdays. But not now. So we’ll gather for those who like that time on Saturdays (8:30am Pacific Time/ 12:30pm Eastern).

I’ve also been sitting with the topics we’ve had for several years in YOI; (we study one of these monthly: for example writing the JYN, body, money, relationships, family-of-origin, turnarounds, fear, etc).

We’ve investigated our stories on the topics, in the same order even, for quite a few years.

Everyone has stories about money, or the body, or certain relationships. Everyone has stories about family of origin: mother, father, sister, brother. Everyone has stories about getting it wrong and getting it right, not being good enough or needing something to be different.

No new thoughts.

But it appears the plan for topics will shift and expand a bit.

I’ve loved noticing over the years the common Top Hit Parade of underlying beliefs about reality, about ourselves, about other people that seem to arise repeatedly in the mind.

So many complicated and complex stories….but are they really that complicated?

Maybe the details change, but the story comes out of a shorter list than I once imagined about what’s going on here in life.

I thought I was abandoned
I almost died
they rejected/criticized me (see #1)
I have to do this by myself (I’m not enough, I’m all alone, I need help, I should work harder, since I’m abandoned)
Something’s missing (money, love, health, freedom, peace)
I’m not safe
I need to wake up/get somewhere else consciously (because then all of the above will be irrelevant, and I’ll be happy)
Now (or in the past in that situation) I am not happy–this isn’t it

It does seem like there are constant stories the mind communicates, or is it one persistent story?

Do some of us have a song we play over and over, and it’s really the same song (even though we thought it was a different song)?

I remember noticing my “Abandonment Story”.

I am abandoned. I’m not enough, not good enough, relaxed enough, self-less enough, peaceful enough, supported enough, free enough.

“I”. Abandoned.

How do we know?

The mind has its proof!

So now, I’ll plan on how Not To Be Abandoned. (haha).

“I” Am Abandoned. I have zillions of pieces of evidence. I rest my case.

But who am I without this story, in my particular and unique threatening or concerning situations I’ve experienced?

I don’t appear to need to make a plan to brace against potential abandonment.

Nice to notice.

What about another common story:

The “This Is Not It” Story.

This person isn’t “it”, my child isn’t “it” (the way I expected), my life isn’t “it”, this job isn’t “it”, this feeling isn’t “it”.

I’m not exactly sure what “it” is, but THIS is certainly NOT it.

LOL.

This list of topics in Year of Inquiry seems to allow a doorway to open into common stressful stories. Songs we’ve been singing, perhaps for our whole lives.

For example, Family of Origin opens up to the story of “they did it to me” or “I am special”.

Money opens up to “I have to access it” or “it’s possible for there not to be enough” or “I need this in order to be happy” (Dependency Story).

The Body topic offers deeply similar story lines: “I Must Survive” story or “Dying is Worse/Better Than Living” or “Living Is Better/Worse Than Dying” stories.

Again with the body, as with money or lovers or conditions there’s the “I-need-this-to be-‘x’-in-order-to-be-happy” story. Thin, healthy, alive, pain-free, intact, youthful.

What I notice is stories can be boiled down.

Boiled, boiled and boiled down, with all the moisture evaporating into the air (all the details becoming unimportant).

I see the stressful story, the concerning story.

As I answer four questions, awareness comes alive of Who I Am Without A Story.

A wonder, a creative process, a joy.

Moods, conditions, experiences, people, bodies, flavors come and go.

What is here without a story about it?

So thrilling.

So with all this said, and an apparent story about a future that begins in a month (LOL)….a group will gather again to share the power of self-inquiry.

At least this appears very likely as the plan.

It’s happened for ten different groups prior to this one. There will be a “last one” someday.

For now, it appears a thrill and spark has caught fire imagining this newest group starting, and people already signing up (especially several repeaters who know they like it and want to stick with it).

And so within, I’m watching ideas appear that had not appeared before about this next year-of-inquiry group.

Noticing the gratitude and and freedom and joy that arises when questioning stressful thinking–or why else would we even do this work?

Noticing “plans” and watching them come alive without stress.

Some shifts to the monthly topics…a study of the “stories” they point to.

The Story of “I” and the need for “Me” to make plans, be on the alert, be in charge, run the show, be safe, be careful, avoid pain, get pleasure, get enlightened.

Without a stressful story, the joy of the upcoming adventure grows.

This practice of self-inquiry using the four questions stuns me in how I have persistently been interested for almost 20 years.

Even when I’ve had the thought “I’m sick of doing The Work!”

Here it comes again, consistent, steady, the clearest and simplest way.

No set answers in stone, no one else’s answers, just mind’s awareness opening and closing, starting and stopping, beginning and ending….kind of like life.

So those wishing to join together with others on the path of self-inquiry and wonderment about What Is….

….For those continuing to be curious about what else is here besides a story about what is here….

….there will be some new additions and changes in the program format to support our inquiry together.

There are loving “plans” underway:

Other facilitators giving their time for extra sessions.
Other guest facilitators visiting our group.
Invitations to dancing online to a set list on Saturdays for those wanting to feel their inquiry in the body.
Partner work, as always, for everyone enrolled who wants to pair with others.
Written exercises to dive deep into our awareness of what we’ve believed.

And always, always the simple awareness for Year of Inquiry to learn to be, share, and love what is.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I am a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” ~ Byron Katie

Check out the details here.

As a loving offer for those who are part of the family of Grace Note readers who have read all of this–YOU–I offer you a special invitation for Year of Inquiry which is usually only for repeaters or people in Summer Camp or other programs like Eating Peace Experience.

If you use the coupon code VIP when you sign up for full pay Year of Inquiry then a whole $500 will be subtracted from the full fee, and for the entire year the cost will be only $1497 for those who register before September 1st.

Yes, this is lower than I’ve ever offered, but there has been more people participating since the first year I ever offered this, the costs to run YOI are more spread out between a greater number of folks, the flow seems easier since all the tech is set up, the amount of admin time is simpler.

The one thing to consider about Year of Inquiry is that it is created to be a one-year program. We request 60 days to consider and fully participate, and after that please be “in” or “out” for the rest of the year (by November 15th).

There is a monthly payment plan as well, which you’ll see when you visit here.

I also offer anyone reading this the monthly pay private code for repeaters if you choose to register by paying each month for 12 months. The code for the monthly payment discount is TRUE.

If you decide to join us in Year of Inquiry and use these special discount codes, you need to do it before Sept 1st.

We’re preparing, and we can’t wait to connect with you–old and new friends, walking each other home.

Visit the information page here.

Much love,

Grace

https://www.workwithgrace.com/year-of-inquiry/#hero

May 27, 2020

Those mean, judgmental people on the internet who left nasty comments

Almost last call for online retreat with me and Tom Compton, co-facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.

To read about the schedule, visit here. It helps if you let us know by Saturday so we can be prepared for you. Deadline to join is Sunday night at 9pm Pacific Time.

So here’s an interesting predicament about this retreat.

In these weird times of the closures and the uncertainty with in-person events, we didn’t even know to move it to an online thing until about 2 weeks ago (maybe 3)?

Tom and I quickly sorted out a schedule that worked, we updated the Institute for The Work listing, we blocked our calendars, and I set up the zoom event and registration page.

I created an event for it on facebook and shared it.

Easy.

Then…a comment appeared below the facebook post of the event.

“I love The Work….but I’m not sure about the hair….I just really don’t know.”

I was pretty sure the commenter was referring to Tom’s long grey tousle of California surfer hair.

The event has a head shot of him on the left, then my head shot on the right. You might have seen it here on a previous Grace Note.

Then someone else commented, “Try taking a bath!”

Wow. Weird. Kind of insulting.

All this about the hair, I wondered?

Maybe Tom’s uncut look to someone who doesn’t know him means, to them at least, that he’s unkempt, un-groomed, unwashed, or something?

Huh. Interesting.

These comments are NOT the kind I imagined.

Their focus is on the photo, not the content of the upcoming retreat.

I mean, what’s wrong with people?

Who is seeing this event, anyway, online, who is not an appropriate match for someone who’d want to attend the retreat? Why are they commenting?

Then yet another comment, with a sarcastic tone: “Is this a before and after photo? Wow, this work must be magic.”

Wow.

I guess that reference was to the two different head shot photos.

Haha, very funny. (That’s me now being sarcastic).

Not really sure what to think of it all, but guess what?

I realized it was time for a little “work”.

You want to follow along with me?

Have you ever had someone judge you or someone close to you negatively based on your appearance, or a photo?

My thoughts:

They have it wrong. They don’t understand. They’re being superficial. They’re mean.

Is it true?

Yes. Oh yes, yes, yes.

They have no idea what they are missing….(defense appears). They are jumping to erroneous conclusions (more defense). They are mistaken. (Um, yah. More defense).

But is it absolutely true they have it wrong, they’ve misunderstood, they’re being superficial, they’re mean?

No.

I don’t know them.

All I am seeing is typing on facebook. It’s not even a person. It’s just a communication, an idea.

I notice judgments and curiosity running inside this mind here all the time (pointing at my own head).

It’s happening, actually, while I read these comments about hair.

What happens, how do you react, when you believe someone has been quick to judge, is mean, is superficial?

Startled. A little surprised.

Thinking it *shouldn’t* be this way.

Who would I be without the belief, in the same situation, looking at words on a facebook comment: who or what would I be in this moment without my story?

Very entertained. Chuckling.

Also taking in that the hair is indeed unusual by comparison. Instead of defense, I get to notice 3 different apparent people had something to say about it. Not one, not two, but three.

It’s like if someone said “your fly is down” and you just said “Oh! Thanks!” and zipped it up.

What’s the reality? We all saw the fly down.

There’s a head of long hair, on a man when men often tend to cut their hair short. Maybe.

Nothing personal, just information coming through.

Noticing this is what minds do. They see things, and decide things and make jokes about things and share their thoughts about things.

I suddenly remember my husband reporting this past year that when a new student came half way through the year, a little boy named Roy….he had long hair. Unusual perhaps for a 4 year old. All the kids called him “she”.

So even 4 year olds are calling a peer “she” if they have long hair. It’s not right or wrong, but there are expectations.

Without my story, I wonder “How fascinating! I wonder what THIS is for?!”

Curiosity rises up.

Turning the thought around:

I have it wrong. I don’t understand. I’m being superficial. I’m mean.

Yes. How many times in my life have I judged myself and said like I’m talking to myself with a Mean Girl voice: you have it wrong, you don’t understand anything, you’re so superficial that you care about your own appearance–especially your weight–you’re so mean.

Super, hyper critical. As if that helped me change. (Not).

I also definitely had a wave of wondering who would take the time to comment about hair styles on a Work of Byron Katie facebook event. I totally raise my hand in noticing I thought they were weirdos, people without a clue.

Which I do not know.

(Maybe I’m the clueless one, not remembering that even 4 year olds already see the world of hair and make conclusions).

Turning the thought around again to the opposite: They have it right. They do understand. They’re NOT being superficial. They’re kind.

WOWSERS!!!

I can find examples immediately.

They were kind enough to be clear and honest.

They shared quickly to the point and made me realize when someone has an unconventional appearance, it might make others a little nervous and uncertain, wondering what it means.

I never even thought about it. I appreciated the wildness of Tom’s hair from the very start, ever since he let it grow a few years ago.

He shared with me he stopped cutting it just after his wife died of cancer.

He also told me that experience of the journey of cancer was one of the most powerful, immense experiences of learning what Unconditional Love is that he could ever have imagined.

How incredible.

More examples of how those commenters on facebook are kind, understanding, honest: They’re looking at images of people they don’t know and have never met, so of course they’re being superficial–in a good way. They understand they see something unusual, they aren’t blind. They went above and beyond the call of duty by actually mentioning their impressions.

They have it right.

Who am I without my story?

Somehow filled with appreciation and joy in this moment for the way life directs people (and me) to go where they need to go in a simple, easy way…and not go where it might be hard or weird or unwelcome.

Getting ready to share retreat time with friends, with people who want to question their thinking with facilitators who have been at it for a very, very long time.

Tom read Rumi out loud from the front of the room at my first school for The Work in March 2005 when his hair was short and brown and curly, and his wife was still alive.

So here we are, whomever “Tom” and “Grace” are, preparing for the adventure of five days doing The Work, to sink into the deep waters of being, feeling, wondering who we all are without our stressful stories….

I know the people who appear will be the perfect people.

We’ll be ready to consider painful stories we’ve experienced in life: judgment, rejection, loss, cancer, death, fear, relationship trauma or drama, irritation, compulsion, worry, money woes, career angst.

We collect together as a sweet group of humans to narrow down the situations that cause us pain mentally and emotionally, and we dive into our work in the magnificent presence of community.

Shame falls away, isolation melts, and new understanding is possible.

That’s what I find every time.

I know it will be good.

Only two weeks ago, when I facilitated my spring retreat (the first time I ever did a retreat on zoom) the sharing and exercises were absolutely wonderful.

Better than I ever thought.

“Reality is kinder than our thoughts about it.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask me by hitting “reply” or we can also talk on zoom or the phone. Nothing required here, only a willing mind (and a computer or wi-fi connection, apparently). You can dial in with your phone, though, if that’s your favorite way.

Sliding scale registration. Please choose what works for you, we know some of you are out of work at the moment.

My child shouldn’t be this way (+ spring and summer inquiry gatherings)

Before inquiry, two things.

First, spring retreat has a nice little group of people ready to work together online May 14-17. You can sign up for parts, or all, of the retreat. Six segments in total. Come to one or all. Everyone will get the chance to do their own work in the supportive climate of being with others.

To look up spring retreat schedule and understand more about the daily program during May retreat, visit this page HERE.

Second, I heard from the program director at Breitenbush. The June 2-7 Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort Retreat in Oregon that I’m co-facilitating with the good Tom Compton is (hooray) on the schedule for in-person retreat, inquiry and rest. Breitenbush is re-opening for business on May 8th. They’ll have plenty of time to prepare for us.

We already have a good sized group registered….but because it’s been so weird, I wasn’t sure what to say, do, or announce in advance on this one, you know? How bizarre.

Because of the strange uncertainty, we’re extending our early bird sign-up to May 7th and letting you know right now “Wow! This is probably happening!”

This may be the first time some of us leave the house since the covid descended. That will be true for me, most likely. Here where I live in the state next door to where Breitenbush is located, Washington state, they’ve just announced we’re moving out of lockdown on May 18th.

The good news is, full refunds will be given with no hidden fees of any kind if there is any cancellation or extension of the current facility closure to protect from the virus.

NOTE: We may have a separate online version of the retreat if anything happens with the covid thing and we’re not meeting in person. ALSO, we’ll be teaching in early December 3-6, 2020 again at Breitenbush and that retreat is already taking reservations. Basically, any changes, there will be no penalty, and you can even switch your participation to the December event instead.

Come one, come all, for an amazing adventure of this in-person retreat where Tom and I co-pilot a deep dive into self-inquiry with The Work.

I’m looking forward to the deep breath of pristine, clean, glorious air at Breitenbush….and knowing ultimately it will happen when reality decides.

I’m planning on being there June 2nd.

If you’re drawn to participate, we hope knowing the full refund offered if it’s cancelled will make you feel comfortable calling Breitenbush now and signing up to get a good spot for lodging.

Reality will show us the way of the future. Exciting!

To read more about the retreat, visit here. It is best to call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 to choose your lodging and confirm your stay. They’ll help you get your questions answered.

*****************************

So. I’ve heard from many people in this time of togetherness all-the-time for quite a few folks that some of their family members are driving them bonkers.

Another friend shared with me the domestic violence cases have risen fairly dramatically.

Yikes.

Lots of time together in each other’s space without lots of distance can make whatever was there already bloom a bit.

Or OK, explode.

If you’ve had the belief “they should be different!!!” you’ll know what I mean.

In the past few months, I’ve learned some things from one of my young adult children that was totally unexpected.

This child of mine, no longer a child because age 25 is an adult, wants to be called by pronouns they/them.

I had heard of this, been aware of the transgender movement, known young people going by they/them who were friends of my kids.

But once it was up front and close, it felt so personal.

Such odd thoughts came to mind, they seemed so dramatic. I surprised myself in my own reactions.

this is tragic
my child is destroying their future
I can’t do it
it’s so sad
I didn’t do a good job as a parent instilling confidence in what you’re born with
my child won’t get a job
why would anyone do this?

Sigh.

It felt almost heart-breaking to hear all these thoughts and have all the images of the future, and sadness for the “easier” past.

What did I know to do, when I woke up in the middle of the night thinking “OMG! I have to write a letter immediately!!”

Then I knew….it’s not a letter I ‘have to’ write….as if my words sent to my child will change their mind forever and make it all go away.

[Thanks for explaining it all to me, mom, you’ve nailed it, filled in the blanks, told me the truth, and now I am no longer depressed or upset–LOL].

No, not a letter.

A worksheet.

Always start with a worksheet.

I am upset with my child because…..

Is it true?

Can I absolutely know this being is ruining his/her/their life? Making it harder?

Can I know it’s really “sad”?

Who would I be without my story?

Wow.

Can I actually turn this around and sit with the idea and awareness that this is revolutionary in a brilliant way?

Yes, I could.

Without my story of this as a tragedy, I see my child is alive, contemplative, seeking, reporting having a bit of an existential crisis, concerned about humanity, gender roles, sexism, violence and the earth getting destroyed.

The person they’re becoming is unexpected, fascinating, and very thoughtful. Fluid.

If this is FOR me rather than AGAINST me….I noticed it has little to do with me.

I remember well my own life at 25. Crushing depression, also angry at gender and other societal expectations and roles. Going through a horrible eating disorder (thinking disorder).

Learning. Getting pushed into realization, despite or because of my extreme thinking.

Turning my story around:

this is incredible
my child is creating their future
I can do it
it’s so exciting
I didn’t do a good job parenting myself by instilling confidence in what I was born with–especially at age 25!
my child has a job–to be free in this world
Why would I do this (think of this situation as horrible)?

It only took about 48 hours and then returning to some new stressful thoughts to find peace, and even….joy and extreme curiosity (and there still may be more thoughts, and that’s OK).

My thinking should be different, not my child. My child should be exactly the way they are.

This being is “my” child.

Who would I be without this story?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. It really will be fun to see you and look at our very painful frightening thinking…like the kind that kept me up at night…either online in May, or in person in June. Who knows what fun horizons we can head into. The Great Unknown.

Spring Online Retreat info here.

June Breitenbush Retreat info here.