In only one week from today, what I already know will be an amazing time will begin. Six days in a row of being with others together online (zoom) to delve deeply into The Work and self-inquiry.
(Scroll to the end to get the daily schedule and info).
I’m co-facilitating this one with my colleague and friend Tom Compton. He’s brilliant and well-seasoned in The Work: for over 30 years he’s been doing this process and sitting in the four questions, along with working with other people.
We have absolutely loved co-facilitating retreats together.
We’re so looking forward to doing it again.
Here’s me interviewing Tom about his experience with The Work, in case you’d like to get to know him a little better:
One thing we’ll be asking everyone attending retreat (I’m asking myself right now):
What’s been scaring you, making you nervous, irritating you, or bringing despair?
What do you notice bothers or disturbs your psyche, your mood, your inner natural experience of peace?
Recently, I had an awareness of something that seemed important.
How do I know it was important–at least important for inquiry?
It disturbed me.
Someone who I adore and have known their entire life shared how angry they’ve been with the world and a situation they’ve encountered.
Have you ever had someone close to you share something deeply disturbing, and you clench up yourself?
“Yikes, that sounds terrible,” we might say.
I noticed I saw visions of them being depressed. A picture of them with head in hands, lonely and sad, scheming on suicidal thoughts.
They did NOT tell me they were suicidal specifically.
But oh look what the mind did.
We join with the person who is crying “this is so awful, really it is so so so awful.”
Nothing wrong with that. Except.
When I begin to believe they are not safe, they are not loved, they are not capable, they are suffering terribly.
Something about sitting with someone who is doing The Work, incidentally, I entirely trust the process.
I don’t “worry”.
I know they’re OK, they are working on it, they are underway with the power of love at their side.
But this was someone who doesn’t exactly do The Work and there they were, sharing about the depth of their misery.
That person is miserable.
What do you think this means, that they’re miserable? I noticed for me, that was where the fear rose up. It means they don’t want to live. It means they’ve lost their happiness.
Is it true, they shouldn’t be so miserable?
I don’t know.
So, no.
What happens when you believe it’s true?
WORRY.
Trying to problem-solve, figure out how to handle the situation, make it better, give suggestions, offer advice, offer to jump in and take care.
There can be a whole list of what would “make it better” that they need to “get”.
Not that there’s anything wrong with reaching out or being there to help. But this is noticing I was doing it with FEAR in the background.
So who would I be without the belief this person is fundamentally miserable?
This can sound cold to even consider. Like you don’t care about them and their perspective.
But I sat for a moment, imagining this person I love dearly seeming to be so stuck and unhappy and angry…
…without the belief “they are miserable–and this must be fixed by me, as soon as possible. I must help! This is dangerous!”
Without this belief, I stay present.
I’m not afraid to be with someone who is suffering. I might say “if you ever want to try doing The Work, I’m available and here for you”. I check in on them.
I remember suddenly the way I felt when I started hospice work on a really beautiful research project run through the University of Washington almost 20 years ago. My very first patient I saw as a research assistant, I felt trepidation entering her apartment. She was dying of breast cancer. I asked her many questions about pain, depression, emotions and fears. All of them pre-written for this project.
Once I was finished speaking with her and back in my little car in the rainy parking lot, I sobbed.
But then, it got easier and easier. By the fifth person, I was able to sit with them and know nothing was required except to be there and ask the questions they had already agreed to be asked. I enjoyed my job so much, I was shocked. It felt so genuine, so real.
Back to my loved one.
I noticed this person said “I don’t want any advice. I just want you to hear me”.
So good to know. Reality tells you what’s needed.
No Advice. No problem-solving.
Turning the thought around: If someone tells a terrible story, it does NOT mean they’ll be miserable forever, or suicidal, or broken.
It means they’re whole, intact, aware, moving towards joy.
Could it be just as true?
Why not? Don’t I notice the power of healing, of freedom and joy over and over again?
Yes I do.
Turning the thought around again: If someone tells me their miserable story, my thinking is miserable…not them.
Wow. Yes, I joined in.
I added some anxiety to the pot even.
I believed, just like them.
This person gave me the opportunity to hold and question a thought that misery must be stopped….that it doesn’t stop itself.
I imagined God, reality, support, love, source, mystery, magic and miracles were not possible in this situation, were not already underway.
Oops.
Who needs God, when we have my opinion?
Byron Katie used to say this with a smile from time to time sitting with people who made extra good cases for their misery and suffering and terrible predicaments.
I loved it when I first heard it.
I love noticing that tendency within me that says “No thanks, reality…I’ll take care of this myself! You obviously don’t know how to manage things around here!”
That mind that doesn’t believe love and rest and abundance and ease is possible in certain situations. That mind that doesn’t remember everything passes, and nothing is All Bad. That mind that is not in charge of other people’s healing.
Or my own, for that matter.
I can’t give you anything you don’t already have. Self-inquiry allows you access to the wisdom that already exists within you. It gives you the opportunity to realize the truth for yourself. Truth doesn’t come or go; it’s always here, always available to the open mind. If I can teach you anything, it is to identify the stressful thoughts that you’re believing and to question them, to get still enough so that you can hear your own answers. Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories. The Work gives you a portal into wisdom, a way to tap into the answers that wake you up to your true nature, until you realize how all suffering is caused and how it can be ended. It returns you to before the beginning of things. Who would you be without your identity?
Winter Retreat meets Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence.
9am-11:30am Pacific Time daily and 3:30-6:00pm Pacific Time daily. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.
Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here.
Sliding scale.
Much love,
Grace