Tag: worry

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How to stop worrying about someone else’s worrying

In only one week from today, what I already know will be an amazing time will begin. Six days in a row of being with others together online (zoom) to delve deeply into The Work and self-inquiry.

(Scroll to the end to get the daily schedule and info).

I’m co-facilitating this one with my colleague and friend Tom Compton. He’s brilliant and well-seasoned in The Work: for over 30 years he’s been doing this process and sitting in the four questions, along with working with other people.

We have absolutely loved co-facilitating retreats together.

We’re so looking forward to doing it again.

Here’s me interviewing Tom about his experience with The Work, in case you’d like to get to know him a little better:

One thing we’ll be asking everyone attending retreat (I’m asking myself right now):

What’s been scaring you, making you nervous, irritating you, or bringing despair?

What do you notice bothers or disturbs your psyche, your mood, your inner natural experience of peace?

Recently, I had an awareness of something that seemed important.

How do I know it was important–at least important for inquiry?

It disturbed me.

Someone who I adore and have known their entire life shared how angry they’ve been with the world and a situation they’ve encountered.

Have you ever had someone close to you share something deeply disturbing, and you clench up yourself?

“Yikes, that sounds terrible,” we might say.

I noticed I saw visions of them being depressed. A picture of them with head in hands, lonely and sad, scheming on suicidal thoughts.

They did NOT tell me they were suicidal specifically.

But oh look what the mind did.

We join with the person who is crying “this is so awful, really it is so so so awful.”

Nothing wrong with that. Except.

When I begin to believe they are not safe, they are not loved, they are not capable, they are suffering terribly.

Something about sitting with someone who is doing The Work, incidentally, I entirely trust the process.

I don’t “worry”.

I know they’re OK, they are working on it, they are underway with the power of love at their side.

But this was someone who doesn’t exactly do The Work and there they were, sharing about the depth of their misery.

That person is miserable.

What do you think this means, that they’re miserable? I noticed for me, that was where the fear rose up. It means they don’t want to live. It means they’ve lost their happiness.

Is it true, they shouldn’t be so miserable?

I don’t know.

So, no.

What happens when you believe it’s true?

WORRY.

Trying to problem-solve, figure out how to handle the situation, make it better, give suggestions, offer advice, offer to jump in and take care.

There can be a whole list of what would “make it better” that they need to “get”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with reaching out or being there to help. But this is noticing I was doing it with FEAR in the background.

So who would I be without the belief this person is fundamentally miserable?

This can sound cold to even consider. Like you don’t care about them and their perspective.

But I sat for a moment, imagining this person I love dearly seeming to be so stuck and unhappy and angry…

…without the belief “they are miserable–and this must be fixed by me, as soon as possible. I must help! This is dangerous!”

Without this belief, I stay present.

I’m not afraid to be with someone who is suffering. I might say “if you ever want to try doing The Work, I’m available and here for you”. I check in on them.

I remember suddenly the way I felt when I started hospice work on a really beautiful research project run through the University of Washington almost 20 years ago. My very first patient I saw as a research assistant, I felt trepidation entering her apartment. She was dying of breast cancer. I asked her many questions about pain, depression, emotions and fears. All of them pre-written for this project.

Once I was finished speaking with her and back in my little car in the rainy parking lot, I sobbed.

But then, it got easier and easier. By the fifth person, I was able to sit with them and know nothing was required except to be there and ask the questions they had already agreed to be asked. I enjoyed my job so much, I was shocked. It felt so genuine, so real.

Back to my loved one.

I noticed this person said “I don’t want any advice. I just want you to hear me”.

So good to know. Reality tells you what’s needed.

No Advice. No problem-solving.

Turning the thought around: If someone tells a terrible story, it does NOT mean they’ll be miserable forever, or suicidal, or broken.

It means they’re whole, intact, aware, moving towards joy.

Could it be just as true?

Why not? Don’t I notice the power of healing, of freedom and joy over and over again?

Yes I do.

Turning the thought around again: If someone tells me their miserable story, my thinking is miserable…not them.

Wow. Yes, I joined in.

I added some anxiety to the pot even.

I believed, just like them.

This person gave me the opportunity to hold and question a thought that misery must be stopped….that it doesn’t stop itself.

I imagined God, reality, support, love, source, mystery, magic and miracles were not possible in this situation, were not already underway.

Oops.

Who needs God, when we have my opinion?

Byron Katie used to say this with a smile from time to time sitting with people who made extra good cases for their misery and suffering and terrible predicaments.

I loved it when I first heard it.

I love noticing that tendency within me that says “No thanks, reality…I’ll take care of this myself! You obviously don’t know how to manage things around here!”

That mind that doesn’t believe love and rest and abundance and ease is possible in certain situations. That mind that doesn’t remember everything passes, and nothing is All Bad. That mind that is not in charge of other people’s healing.

Or my own, for that matter.

I can’t give you anything you don’t already have. Self-inquiry allows you access to the wisdom that already exists within you. It gives you the opportunity to realize the truth for yourself. Truth doesn’t come or go; it’s always here, always available to the open mind. If I can teach you anything, it is to identify the stressful thoughts that you’re believing and to question them, to get still enough so that you can hear your own answers. Stress is the gift that alerts you to your asleepness. Feelings like anger or sadness exist only to alert you to the fact that you’re believing your own stories. The Work gives you a portal into wisdom, a way to tap into the answers that wake you up to your true nature, until you realize how all suffering is caused and how it can be ended. It returns you to before the beginning of things. Who would you be without your identity?

Winter Retreat meets Dec 1-6, 2020 with two sessions a day (Pacific Time) and 4 hours in between for partner pairing and digesting and silence.

9am-11:30am Pacific Time daily and 3:30-6:00pm Pacific Time daily. Every session recorded for those who need to miss and listen later because of timezone.

Still room for a few more. Read more and sign up here.

Sliding scale.

Much love,
Grace

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If you feel lame, it’s OK to have hope (+ Eating Peace new eBook)

Lately I’m doing a ton mega-work on looking at eating and compulsion (or really any addiction of any kind) issues. 

My favorite!

(Haha, not really….well, OK, maybe now that I’ve investigated stories and beliefs, it really kinda is my favorite, but in the thick of it, not so much).

One thing I’ve realized in the experience of whatever addiction actually is…..it’s never hopeless.

Never, ever.

(News flash: if you’re interested in Eating Peace, you can download the new eating peace ebooklet with a seven-day-practice guide to daily steps to inquiry and peace: HERE.)

Once I had a young man come to work with me who felt excruciatingly fearful about avoiding drugs when he felt drawn to them, but also living his life each day in a new location where he didn’t know anyone, and no family was around.

He felt utterly hopeless one morning. Like he couldn’t leave his apartment. HOPELESS.

And yet, when we took at look at what actually happened, he left. He didn’t THINK he could leave, but he did. He called for help.

Something happened, then something else. Change unfolded.

It wasn’t entirely completely absolutely hopeless, even though he THOUGHT it was for awhile. (And I remember having this same kind of thought myself).

If you think it is hopeless, you can question this belief. It’s just a belief, an idea, thrown out by the mind.

Is it true?

I could never, even in the worst nightmare of addiction, find that it was absolutely true, without any doubt at all.

I lived.

Even if my mind was churning out devastated, furious, vicious thoughts about life, it was never true.

Thoughts like: you are all alone, you are a piece of shi*t, you are unloveable, the world is a terrible place, you’re a failure.

I mean, that thing can get nasty, right?

But who are you, without the belief you your situation is hopeless?

Your addictive pattern, your income, your location, your life…who would you be without the bitter thought that it’s hopeless?

Huh.

Without the thought?

I don’t even know what to say.

But it does make me pause a moment. Whatever “me” is. And whatever “pausing” is. And whatever “hope” is.

I can wonder….who would I be?

Sometimes this Question Four: who would you be without your story….is a strange act of imagination.

When you’re in the thick of fear and dread, you have no idea of the answer. And yet the mind can STILL WONDER who you’d be?

You might come up with possibilities, ideas, you might even be able to paint a picture of what Someone (not you) would be like without that dreadful story.

That’s YOUR mind, able to imagine and come up with answers.

You’re good at the opposite, dark, haunting, violent, horror imagined stories….why not use your imagination for a little of the opposite for once?

Just saying.

Turning the thought around: it’s hopeful. It’s not hopeless.

Whatever “hope” is, is not actually required (the biggest turnaround). My thinking is hopeless….not me, not the world, not everything in my life. Hope is not a “thing” and not even important.

Oooh.

That’s true.

Can you find examples, no matter how small, of how things are rather hopeful around here? Or how whatever they are, hope isn’t needed?

Yes.

Autumn late afternoon sun beaming on fresh green wet grass. Wild bunnies racing down the road to escape the car. Traffic sounds from rush hour people driving from work. Silence in the evening air.

People I worked with today feeling different than they felt last week when we met. Two days from now, all the people coming for retreat here in Seattle–everyone coming to join with me (amazing) to question thoughts, and change our world.

I took a tour of the retreat house I’ll be teaching at two evenings from now. I was so grateful for the beauty of the place, how gorgeous it’s set up. The location is stunning, and it supports the process of inquiry. Almost no profit for this retreat, due to expenses.

But hopeful?

Why not. And right now, what’s true is quiet tapping of fingers on keyboard. No retreat in sight. Beautiful kitchen table. Friendly laptop. Pretty pink phone. Calendar open to November since that’s the next time I can make any client appointments.

This moment, glorious.

“Hope means intentionally using the idea of a future to keep you from experiencing the present. It’s a crutch, but if you feel lame, use it.” ~ Byron Katie

Hope is not required for happiness right now, I notice. Strange, but true.

And, I can open up to hope, if I feel lame, like I’m limping, like I’m not making it, like I keep dropping into my addictions, like I fall in the hole 50 times a day.

Then maybe the future looks better. But right now? Maybe it’s not as bad as you think. No, really.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Last minute thought to join retreat? You’d be welcome. Reply to this Grace Note. Join us–4 days in The Work.

P.P.S. If you have special interest in ending eating battles of any kind–obsessing about food, body, weight, exercise–then download this guide and let me know if it’s helpful. I’d really love to know. Download it HERE. Share it with others who you think would benefit.

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You don’t have to know how to stop dreading….a little secret

Have you ever felt awful….but you’re not even sure why?

Some kind of dread is awaiting for you around the corner. Something terrible will happen. It might not go well. You could make an irreversible, regrettable mistake. It’s going to get worse. It might be nice now, but just wait.

Don’t you get the shivers just reading those sentences?

And sometimes, they’re exactly the kinds of thoughts we have about the future that make the future seem dark, sad, depressing, troubling.

But it’s not really the future that’s any of those things.

It’s now.

Funny how the mind is so incredibly powerful, you can think thoughts about the CHANCE of bad stuff occurring….and feel anxious.

The other day I worked with the most adorable young inquirer who was no longer dating because of the chance of drama in a future relationship. Two others hadn’t gone so well.

She was interested in relationship, in relating, talking, connecting, being close…..and yet, didn’t want to risk getting hurt.

People experience this when thinking about finding a new job, moving to a new city, traveling. Heck, if you’re a big huge introvert like me, you might think with a mild form of dread about an upcoming social gathering, even a party that’s supposed to be fun.

It might be loud, surprising. I might see people I haven’t in a long time. It will be over-the-top on excitement level. I’ll get overstimulated!

Whatever your thoughts, you’re anticipating something might not go well just a wee bit, perhaps a little disappointment….OR…Something terrible could happen!

Noooooooooo!!!

But who would you be without this thought? Without this story of terrible possibilities, or the unknown wild yonder in the future?

What if you were OK, right now, and if you get nervous….you could do The Work!

(Anxiety Bunny Voice scoffs….The Work? That won’t help prevent forest fires! Watch Out! This thing could go DOWN)!

So we’re not pretending nothing ever happens. We’re not being sugar-pop sweet and acting like we aren’t afraid of the dark.

We’re actually just really asking, WITH all those scary images dancing in our heads of relationships-gone-wrong or events-becoming-disasters or things-turning-out-bad….

….who would you be without your story of that image?

Are you safe in this moment?

Notice.

Oh. Come to think of it, I am.

I’m breathing, the air is fresh, I see no weapons of destruction anywhere in sight. My thoughts are only disturbed, not All of Reality.

Turning this “dread” around: Some kind of joy is awaiting for you around the corner. Something wonderful will happen. It might go well. You could make an irreversible, genius correction. It’s going to get better. It might be nice now, and just wait (exciting)!

Couldn’t all this be just as true, or truer?

Sometimes people say….but this is imagination, and pollyanna, and just like affirmations which are FAKE.

But I like noticing, the future IS entirely imagination, creative, and unknown. To think creatively of solutions, ideas, possibilities….feels so much more effective, powerful.

And when you really can’t stop dreading it (been there) then do The Work. Because we’re addressing our THOUGHTS here, not the whole of Reality….which is always mysterious and unknown anyway.

If you need to, do The Work on the worst case scenario you’re imagining might occur. Pretend it’s actually happened, write your worksheet, and go.

Is it true?

“What I love about The Work is, it never asks you to drop [the story]. It doesn’t even imply that you should drop it. That’s the power of investigation. It’s not my business to drop a story. Mankind’s been trying to do that for centuries! It doesn’t work. So don’t even go there. Letting go is an outdated concept. But investigation–self-realization, realizing for yourself what is true–dispels the illusion. So I’ve got this little secret, and everyone’s welcome to it: I inquire.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story pg 272

And the best news of all?

You don’t have to know how to get rid of the dread, or stop being an Anxious Bunny or figure out how to be more positive. You’re being lived, as Katie says.

You don’t have to know how.

I notice I sure don’t know how….and it’s turning out better than I ever imagined.

Much love,

Grace

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The one Big Question to answer if you want to live your turnarounds

Light in the Cave of Pain, Sickness and Death Using The Work
Scared to go inside this cave? It could be your only way to peace…..At least it was for me.

Several people who couldn’t attend the new Living Turnaround group that started yesterday wrote to me this past weekend and asked….

….I want to know how to investigate a situation so I can find out how to make the lasting changes I always want to make, but never seem to find!

Can you point me in the right direction with Living Turnarounds and how to do them or find them?

Where do I begin?

Some shared with me they feel like they have a ton of places they’d like things to be different. They wished THEY were different, most of all.

You might notice the same.

Where do you wish things were different? Relationship status, body, aging, money, house, career, service to others.

Sometimes, you may notice….there’s something imperfect and improvable about everything you consider!

But as I asked some of the amazing people who came yesterday in person to the group….

….first, you begin by making a short list, or scanning in your mind what you wish was different….

….whether you feel slightly uncomfortable, just a wee bit disappointed, or really upset.

You may notice, something rises to the top asking to be seen.

Yes, THAT situation with “x”. I really wish it were otherwise.

Now, instead of going straight to a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, consider the following question and journal about it and get ready to do Step #1 in understanding YOU.

Observing yourself, without so much dreadful internal screaming about what’s wrong with you.

Seriously. Don’t jump to how awful you are so fast.

It’s a diversion.

OK? Agreed?

Studying yourself and contemplating some important questions come out of work and research I’ve gathered for many years on desire, goals, and action-taking….how these happen in life, how they don’t.

Some of this work comes from extended research in the field of human motivation, behavior and transformation ever since I studied it in graduate school in the late 1990s.

This was before I ever heard of The Work….but the research and study of human behavior is oh so connected to questioning your stressful beliefs.

Because what do experts say, quite often?

Action is about what people are thinking, what’s in the mind, that drives their behavior.

To “live” a turnaround and experience deep or permanent change is about first, identifying the underlying beliefs that create fear, lack of ease, inaction, or action you don’t really want (like overeating, my old favorite personal example).

So, follow along with me here.

Let’s say you want to be in better shape physically, or as I used to want all the time, let’s say you want peace with food and eating.

Here’s the first question you want to keep in mind, before racing to The Work:

What do you do, how do you behave, what actions do you take….that crushes or destroys this state of peace you so desire?

As in, you ain’t gonna get that thing you want if you keep doing “x”.

For example, long ago when I suffered from binge-eating, I might have said “I don’t ever experience eating peace because…..twice a week I binge-eat from one end of the continent to the other without stopping to breathe for one second”.

Let’s say you’re having concerns with lack of money, and you feel like money’s always been a problem, or has been for a really long time. (Some of the members of the Living Turnaround group mentioned this…..OK, all of them).

What do you do, in that case, that keeps you from stability with money?

Make a list. Really answer the question thoroughly. Be specific. Sometimes, you even have to observe yourself for a week (or longer) and watch what you do and catch all the moments, because it’s easy to forget or be unaware.

Academics and researchers might calls this collecting the data.

You’re being like a scientist with yourself, watching, looking, taking notes. Don’t let shame or guilt come in and slam the door on this looking!! (I had that happen all the time around eating issues and was very secretive for fear of other peoples’ judgment).

So long ago, when I was getting help for this weird binge-eating behavior I seemed to live with….I studied what was going on during those binges. I wrote down what was happening. I wrote down what I had experienced earlier, before the urge to binge began. What was my state of hunger physically? Who did I encounter? What was I thinking?

Then…you can answer this next interesting question:

What’s the worst that could happen if you did the OPPOSITE of this behavior or activity? What would bother you about doing this? What’s the danger lurking for you, when you think about not doing this activity you’ve been doing–maybe for years?

So, in my example (lacking eating peace) I would wonder by writing in my journal about why, if I stopped binge-eating, I might find this threatening? What would disturb me about stopping this behavior?

I know.

If you had asked me without explaining that something important is going on that prevents normal behavior with food, or if you asked me what I would have been afraid of if I stopped binge-eating, I might not have been able to think of one single answer.

I might have even said….WHAT??! Are you crazy? It would be GREAT to no longer have cravings and then stuff myself, it’s what I always wanted….to STOP suffering from an eating disorder.

But just open your mind a little and give this a minute.

What if you are not ridiculous, and what if there isn’t anything wrong with you?

What if your mind is a genius at making sure you avoid, at all costs, what could really be emotionally, physically, or spiritually painful?

What if this idea of no longer having your actions (in my case “binge-eating”) available to you made you raw, exposed, nervous…..for any reason whatsoever?

What kind of young woman would be afraid of stopping binge-eating behavior?

As it turned out, there were several reasons why I would be afraid to stop binge-eating.

One was, because in between binges, I was always thinking I should be starving myself. I DID starve myself. I used lots of willpower to push really hard in athletics.

I was also terrified to speak of my true inner feelings (we don’t do that in this family) or to show I felt upset about anything.

So, feeling super upset, sad, afraid started having a wild condensed response to it….all piled and smashed up in a ball of unexpressed energy inside, and it exploded out with binge-eating (and purging, for me).

Now my behavior was very extreme.

This can be done with much more quiet and mild behaviors. You don’t have to be a crazed addicted-acting person to study yourself (some of us need things to be extreme or super obvious, apparently).

If you have a mild case of doing something you wish you wouldn’t….or NOT doing something you wish you would….

….really consider very, very deeply what you might be afraid of, if you stopped this uncomfortable behavior, or if you started doing the thing you wish you’d do.

What is it about the ACTION or NON-ACTION itself you want to learn from?

It’s your teacher.

Usually, the normal way to address human behavior that needs “correction” is to fix it ASAP. Get a diet, get an exercise plan, mark your calendar, force yourself to “do” it, ignore the fears.

As I said, several people in the Living Turnarounds group mentioned trouble with money.

Been there.

You can do this around money and your relationship to it. Notice if you feel you MUST have it, you need it to survive, you grab for it, you store it.

Or, maybe you stay really foggy with it. You have no idea how much is in your bank account, you write checks you’re not sure will clear, you borrow and owe. Some part of you doesn’t like seeing how much you actually have (hint: it’s dangerous).

What does this behavior mean about the world, about you, about people you’ve known or encountered?

Study your fears.

I really hated (at first) seeing what I was most afraid of in my late teens and early twenties.

They were thoughts like….I can’t make it on my own, but I should. People are critical (“people” being parents mostly). I have nothing to offer. I can’t do it perfectly (so why bother trying). People don’t really care about the honest me. You can’t say what you really think or feel (people get hurt). If thin, people will love respect me. If I’m not in great physical condition, people could criticize me. Food is the only pleasure I have. Food is easy to find everywhere, and comforting. I love eating forbidden foods, no one tells me what to do for once. When I’m eating, I don’t have to think about what I “should” be accomplishing, I don’t have to push myself, I can finally quit trying to be perfect every second of the day.

How could it be helping you to do that activity you notice you criticize yourself for doing? How could it be helping you to NOT do that activity you wish you’d do?

This is a huge topic, and there are ways to break it down slowly, carefully, one step at a time….

….but I say, run with it.

Wonder what you’re afraid of. Ask the powerful question Byron Katie asks “what’s the WORST that could happen?”

Keep a “thought journal”. (If you’ve been on retreat with me, especially at Breitenbush, I always hand out thought catchers to carry around with you–little notebooks to write down your stressful thoughts).

Who would you be without your story?

You’d be living your turnarounds.

“A man that flies from his fear may find that he has only taken a short cut to meet it.” ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” ~ Joseph Campbell

And the best news of all?

The cave, the fear, will follow you until you enter it or take a look at it. You don’t even have to worry about avoiding it endlessly, or how you’re going to address it. It’s probably not up to you, anyway.

Drop the “probably”.

Much love,

Grace

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Stay until you lose your fear

fearmonster
Is what you see really true?

I am stunned by all the responses and comments I’ve been getting to my question….”what are your barriers or sticky points when it comes to The Work?”

If you didn’t get to chime in, you can do it here. It’s one question, that’s it. Be as wordy or as brief as you like.

I’m so glad I’m asking people this question.

Once again, I feel very Not Alone when it comes to the intensity, the power, the fear or the resistance that can be generated in the mind.

You have been sharing quite deeply and honestly.

And the thing is, we all don’t realize we’re thinking a lot of the same things.

It’s like we’ve got this incredible “unit” (the brain) and it works quickly, it’s fantastic at identifying what might threaten us, and it’s running our lives!

Not always in a good way. You know what I’m talking about.

Stress. Worry. Sadness. Disappointment. Suffering.

But reading peoples’ answers about why they bump up against a brick wall when doing The Work, or why they stay kind of fogged out and unclear around how to handle their issues….

….I was struck by something I remembered Byron Katie doing in the recent Being With Byron Katie retreat.

She also speaks about it in Loving What Is.

It is that fear is extremely powerful.

(But not as powerful as love, I notice).

Fear is believing your stressful thoughts. Fear is believing you have cause to worry. It’s believing something terrible happened, and will happen again.

My daughter returns after being with her father for a week.

I’ve bought her a gift that arrived while she was gone. I say “I ordered you a shirt, I think you’ll love it!”

This is rare. I don’t notice or acquire many things, or gifts that are items. I like giving experiences and theater tickets and dates out and trips to special places.

She says “that’s funny, I ordered a shirt for myself, and it looks like the same kind of package.”

Sure enough, while she was away, she bought the exact same t-shirt.

She said with a critical voice “Don’t you remember, I used your credit card to buy it in the first place, and gave you cash? You don’t pay attention to anything.”

She sees me trying it on, now that it looks like I could wear it myself, and adds “and do NOT wear that shirt EVER at the same time as I’m wearing mine!”

I feel the sting of hurt, as I stand there in the kitchen with the t-shirt pulled over my summer tank top. I take it off quickly.

My mind says “she’s so mean” and “she’s so critical” and “she hates me” and “we haven’t seen each other in a week and she has to….” I have a reaction of sadness, then a defense that wants to push out at her.

It’s like an energy that wants to crunch down tightly around this moment, this situation, kind of like a contraction when I was giving birth to this same daughter. All the muscles tighten, the sense of air between us tightens, I want to go to my room.

It’s fear.

Mind says grand statements chattering away like “never!” or “always!” and “depressing!” about the way she acts, or how it is between us.

Is any of that absolutely true?

No.

Who would I be without these thoughts? Who would I be without the feeling of separation between ME and HER? Without me thinking she shouldn’t mind if I wear the same t-shirt as her?!

I don’t even want to wear that t-shirt, to be honest.

What if I could turn everything around I’m objecting to? Allowing it to feel like rain pattering in the room.

Lovely. Sound. Daughter. Shirt. Gift. Not.

She should say these things to me. I shouldn’t say all the things I say to her. I shouldn’t say all the things I say to myself.

Yes, like I shouldn’t use the moment to feel disappointment, or proof I’ve done parenting wrong, or to suddenly have a mood change from open and eager to closed and hurt.

I shouldn’t be following all my thoughts and jumping to wild conclusions like this means HATE and this means CRITICISM. I notice I’m lucky she’s honest, direct, blunt and clear. She’s very loving, too. She helps me slow everything down to simplicity.

Major discussions are not necessary. We don’t need to hash out things for hours.

She also moves on very quickly, not holding resentment. We talk later, like the t-shirt incident never happened.

I notice after The Work, I adore her. Even though she went to bed hours ago and she’s not in the room with me and nowhere in sight, except in my thoughts.

And I then think the thought that changes it all, in an instant.

Examples for why I shouldn’t speak meanly to myself, I shouldn’t talk to me with criticism. I shouldn’t say I’ve been a bad parent.

I’m an awesome parent. I’m doing the best I can. I’m being lived. I’m not doing this. I’m not guilty.

No fear.

A sense of trust.

Yes, also a mind saying “but what about tomorrow when this might happen again” but I don’t automatically think it’s true.

Katie answers a question from someone in the Q & A section at the end of Loving What Is: What if my suffering is too intense?

She responds: “In this state, it’s very difficult to do The Work for the love of truth because you’re invested in your story. Your story is your identity, and you’d do almost anything to prove that it’s true.”

That’s the power of fear.

I must prove my story (daughter hates me, is mean to me, rejects me) and this story is a bad, sad story. I cannot love what is. Impossible. Reality got this wrong.

Here again, I notice love is more powerful. If love is truth, clarity, willingness to stop and sit with this, willingness to give up my story.

I wrote an ebook looking at some very useful ingredients that helped me slow down and stay with this profound inquiry process known as The Work. Pillars to hold it steady, really.

The Work for me is not just a bunch of questions….it’s a way to open to a new, more expansive, mysterious world. A brilliant one.

I’d love for you to have the eguide: Four Pillars To Deepen The Work and Bring It Home To Yourself.

One of the pillars is STAY. I share what this means for me.
Download the eguide here.

Let me know what you think, and share it freely with anyone if you like. I hope you’ll use it, if you’ve noticed your own blocks, barriers, walls or resistance to doing The Work, like you’re not finding answers bringing greater love.

“Stay until you lose your fear….Ego can’t stand up to ‘Is It True?’ in the silence.” ~ Byron Katie 

Much love,

Grace

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She might hurt me….

journal
Step One in moving towards peace: Find the situation, and write very honestly about what happened, your beliefs, unedited.

In Year of Inquiry we’re ramping it up this month as we ponder what the worst thing is, what’s threatening, when situations occur we don’t like.

Someone had a great situation yesterday in telegroup.

A person being mean, nasty, disloyal, gossipy, critical.

I could see someone in my mind who I’ve worried about being critical. Could they snap at any moment and call the newspapers and start talking about me and what a bad, imperfect person I am?

What if someone’s scheming to take me down? Even if I can’t find anything wrong I’ve done?

It’s a strange, nervous, anxiety-producing feeling that someone could hurt me for no reason, at any moment. It happens in the movies. It happens in Shakespeare plays.

Betrayal. Shock. Mistaken identity. Stabbed in the back.

If you’ve ever been involved in a situation where someone DID surprise you, even way back in childhood, you might have some lingering waves of uncertainty about humans and what they’re capable of. Maybe a sense of needing to be very careful, walk on eggshells, and make sure you don’t disappoint anyone.

The thing is, it’s really difficult being so careful.

You lose your spontaneity, your sense of joy and relaxation. Maybe you react by staying home, hiding in a sense your true feelings, not expressing what you really think, or feel. Maybe you cut that person off and never talk to them.

The best way I know how to work with this sense of impending doom, or someone reacting to you in a disturbing way, is to go to where it already happened in the past.

Even if you observed it, and you yourself weren’t the target of someone’s anger, upset, hatred or fear.

As the group moved through inquiry on the phone together, I distinctly pictured one person who I could imagine feeling angst, disappointment, anger or sadness with me.

But why? What was my evidence? What is my memory, my situation, where I got wind of the possibility of her not being loyal or supportive or caring for me?

It wasn’t so obvious, because there wasn’t a clear “betrayal” moment. Yet, as I stayed in contemplation about this person from my history, scanning the moments of “proof” for why I might feel cautious of her….

….I could see a fleeting sentence written in email come to mind. A sentence she wrote to me after I told her something she didn’t like hearing–that I didn’t want to talk with her and hash out or process further what had gone on between us. I felt like it was said, and said again, and silence for awhile was the next best step. We could revisit it later, regroup after some time went by.

She said something, in reply to my request for letting things rest awhile, like “sometimes actions you take produce karma you may not like”.

I suddenly realized, in that tiny memory of a sentence written, that I worried it was a threat. I better watch out. I better be nicer. I better say “yes” and not “no”. I’m doing it wrong. She’s disappointed with me. Uh oh.

In that awareness, I see I’ve got my moment, my situation.

Good. I can write down my thoughts, starting with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I can stay very close and connected to my experience of reading words. It’s OK if I don’t even remember exactly what the words said. My thoughts and beliefs are alive and present. My feelings are stressed.

I know what to do with them. The Work.

Much love,

Grace

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Are your thoughts about people (or money) a sacred religion devoted to pain?

Can't Stop Stressful Thinking? Do The Work
if you suffer from believing, you can question your thinking and change your relationships. Hell to Peace.

There’s an amazing group assembled for Relationship Hell To Heaven TeleCourse starting today 9 am Pacific. I can take 2 more people. We meet 90 minutes every Wednesday for 6 weeks. Write to me if you really want to do this, even if you don’t have the full fee and we can sort out a way you can join.

Sometimes this kind of idea….”sorting out a way you can join”….makes people squirm.

Thoughts about money and conversations about money come to mind.

What does sorting out mean? I’ll have to admit I don’t have enough money. I’ll have to say it out loud. I’ll be ashamed. I’ll offend the person who’s asking for a fee (in this case, moi).

Or the reverse. I’ll need to ask for money. I’ll have to say what the regular fee is out loud. I’ll make other people uncomfortable if they don’t have the funds. I’ll turn people away, or turn people off. They’ll think poorly of me, they’ll think I’m selfish or hoggish, they’ll think I’m hoity toity (I love this word, it comes from a verb meaning “to play or pretend” and some say from the French “haut toit” meaning high roof).

I once went to a workshop on money. An entire weekend, starting on Friday night, ending Sunday late afternoon.

There were many exercises and the facilitator was superb. I knew upon registering, going in, that the fee was sliding scale and we would be able to set our own amount at the end of the workshop, and offer the payment when it was over.

I had NO IDEA it would make me so uncomfortable.

On Sunday afternoon, after the full workshop was over, we had to decide what we wanted to give the facilitator, who had traveled from afar to give this program.

I hardly had any money and the whole reason I came was because, well A) I obviously had a problem with money because it was not in my life in much quantity, and B) I thought I could get away with hardly paying a dime and feel fine about it, since there was no set fee.

I was wracked with confusion, guilt, and worry about having No Fee. It was too much freedom. Too much meaning was put into the amount.

What it boiled down to was, I had No Idea what would make the teacher happy. I was used to making the teacher happy, I wanted to make the teacher happy, I didn’t know how to make myself happy.

I finally, uncomfortably, picked an amount that sounded like a “normal” workshop fee amount and wrote a check for $250. It was almost all that was in my savings at the time, but I was too embarrassed to pay less. The workshop was incredibly helpful and I wanted to show this in my fee.

Wow, that last hour deciding what to pay was worth the entire program in itself. Every stressful belief, every painful thought about having enough, or not having enough, came roaring to the surface as we all got to sit quietly, take out our checkbooks, and give honorably.

(Now, when I offer my money telecourse, I do the same thing. LOL.)

But you know, this pain and angst and torturous back-and-forth and “sorting out a way you can join” or “sorting” out the thoughts about money in any situation involving it, is not just about money.

It’s about Relationship.

I noticed, I did the exact same thing when in relationship with others, in many variations. I wondered if they would be pleased. I worried I wouldn’t get or keep what I needed. I watched to see if they would hurt me with words or betray or abandon or insult me. I worried I would accidentally insult them or stick my foot in my mouth. I felt very careful. I had judgements and criticisms.

I felt afraid.

I noticed fear in all forms appearing in my thoughts about others.

How do I get close, how do I feel connected, but not intrude or overstep? How do I speak authentically, but not insult. How do I take in what others say, but only the good stuff (the critical stuff seems to hurt)?

What a huge project. Exhausting.

If you notice there is someone, or several people in your life, with whom you have a tentative, or careful, or troubling, or anger-inducing relationship….

….then write down all those conflicting thoughts and see what words you’re using, and begin to study them.

Take them through The Work, the Four Questions.

How can you live, what does it feel like, how can you be fulfilled, enough, whole, OK, supported, here, receiving, giving, exchanging conversation and love and energy (money or otherwise) in a balanced amount, just right for you in this moment today, with everyone and everything?

How can you be you?

“I work with four and five year old children who suffer from believing the same concepts that adults believe. These concepts are sacred religions; we’re completely devoted to them. ‘People should come,’ ‘people should go,’ ‘people should understand me’, ‘I’m too this’, ‘You’re too that’, ‘my wife shouldn’t lie’, my children should appreciate me’, my husband doesn’t love me’, ‘my mother would be much happier if she saw things the way I do.’ Whatever story we’re attached to, that’s where our devotion is. There’s no room for God in it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to join the course that starts today at 9 am Pacific, you can move quick, or listen to the recordings if you miss out. RegisterHERE. Or like I said, write to me if you really want to do this work and don’t have the fee. It is my privilege to work with you, if you want to do The Work.

Much love,

Grace

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Would You Rather Worry or Be Free?

Would you rather worry or be free?
Would you rather worry or be free?

Yesterday was prep day for leaving on a very long journey. I’ll be traveling with my two young adult children ages 21 and 18 and my husband.

It will take many hours to reach our destination. We’ll be a long way from home.

I decided to start some of the heavy preparation two days ahead of time.

I made sure my schedule remained clear starting three weeks ago. No clients, no meetings, no classes.

A Monday of cleaning, moving clothes out of my drawers so the people staying here can make themselves comfortable, tidying up.

I ask my kids to work with me on household preparations from noon until 6 pm when their dad will pick them up for an evening out, before they leave town for almost three weeks of not seeing him at all.

Everyone’s doing their thing.

Husband is out making copies of the house key for our visitors. I’m at Rite Aid buying melatonin, dishwashing soap for the cupboard at home, travel shampoo.

My daughter is totally inspired and cleaning all the food cupboards in the kitchen, throwing away old items, washing the surfaces, organizing the canned goods (it was kind of stunning….this kind of thing has been happening for awhile from her).

I’m running a load of dishes, and vacuuming out my car.

Then I decide to locate the passports and put them on my dresser.

My son’s isn’t in the usual place, with mine and my daughters.

“Hey Benj?! You got your passport handy?”

He calls from his bedroom.

“What, mom?”

“Passport!”

Pause.

Pause.

“Oh. It’s in my safe. Up at school. In my new apartment.”

Aw jeez.

It’s not a huge emergency or anything. It takes about an hour and a half to drive there. But it’s critical, you know? He can’t leave the country without his passport.

In the old days, before The Work, I might have snapped at him. “Why didn’t you think of this before?! Huh?!”

Instead, I notice the flare of realizing, and then the wave calms down.

But I say “You need to drive up there today. Not tomorrow. It’s too important.”

I send his dad a text.

The way it all comes together is my son, his dad, and my daughter are all driving north to where my son will be attending his senior year in college starting next month. This is their new plan for the evening.

My plans aren’t different at all.

House is empty, I’m writing, I’m eating leftovers out of the fridge, I’m sitting on the front porch couch enjoying the gorgeous summer evening.

But I have a thought…..my son is going to space out of everything, he’d lose his own head if it wasn’t connected to his body, he’s soooo chill he’s going to fall asleep while standing, I need to talk with him about how often he smokes pot (doesn’t that make people slow?) and how funny he’s the one I have to worry about rather than my daughter.

Click.

That thought.

“He’s the one I have to worry about.”

It’s stressful!

I have to worry about him, is that true?

No.

Last night, the whole change of plans just fell into place without any uproar. My son, my daughter, their dad…all hopped in a car and ventured off to their evening project: get the passport and eat rare road-trip food along the way.

Who would I be without the belief I have to worry about my son?

Noticing I don’t.

He’s having his own life, and there are minutes, hours, days, and weeks where he handles it. Beautifully.

He’s the most kind, genuine person. He’s loving, easy-going, articulate, and authentically gentle and very smart.

But what if this was not his experience, and he was hurting. Or on the street. Or disappeared like someone’s son I did The Work with (presumably using meth).

Who would you be without the belief you have to worry about someone you love?

Look around.

Wow.

This doesn’t mean don’t speak with that person you care about so much.

Tell the truth, be honest.

“Tell me what it’s like for you when it comes to thinking about getting a job, or finishing school this next year, or what you like about smoking pot.”

It’s not about fading into the background or staying quiet about what you really care about.

Which is my kid.

I turn the thought around: I’m the one I have to worry about, especially when it comes to my son.

Yes.

You know what the origin of the word “worry” is, or where it comes from?

It is from “wyrgan” which means strangle.

Which so reminds me of Not Speaking.

If you have a son or daughter or person in your life who you are strangling yourself from speaking to, or speaking about, or you’re feeling mute, and strangled from saying what you really need and want to say…..

…..then speak.

I’ll let you know how it goes when I do.

I’m spending 3 weeks with him, every day, and we are talking.

No doubt about it.

“Would you rather be right, or free?” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

 

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What If I Don’t Wake Up?

I am sitting in the airport (yes, my crutches are still with me and very nice people have been wheeling me around in wheelchairs).

This morning my flight is pretty early….but my ride to the airport even earlier.

Have you ever woken up off and on all night before going on a trip?

Because last night, my sleep was that kind of sleep.

I looked at the clock at 2:33 am, and then 4:04 am. Always the concern “how much longer?” and then a sort of funny back-of-the-mind thought about whether or not I would actually wake up with the alarm.

So funny, the idea that I would NOT hear the alarm, or awaken…as if somehow, I would remain asleep and miss this important occasion.

That part of mind has such an unrelaxed, nervous attitude towards my capacity to wake up.

As if!

Such anticipation of a near-future error! I might screw up!

For the first time, this morning, I actually did The Work on this very small, minor stressful thought “If I missed my flight, it would be terrible”.

Because it is only because of that threatening possibility that I even care about waking up, planning, packing, moving.

Is it true that it would be terrible if I missed my flight?

YES! It would cost money, mess up my schedule at home, and be imposing on my airport pick-up when I arrive at my destination.

I might miss the next class I’m teaching, I might miss my doctor’s appointment, I might, I might, I might…

Hmmmm. Would it really be terrible to miss my flight?

Maybe not. There is nothing unsafe about rescheduling anything and everything. Change occurs.

I see what I’m like WITH the thought. I feel like I never slept all night (which is not actually true).

With the belief, I am leaning into the future in a pretty stressful way, like I’m anticipating the next hours ahead. I’m thinking about when all this is over with, and I’m done traveling. Like I want to skip this moving/waiting/rushing part where I’m on the move.

Who would I be without the thought that it would be terrible to miss my flight?

I would not be diving into the next 10 hours trying to “see” them and make sure they are safe.

Without the thought, I trust myself to participate in this idea of travel, waking up, alarms, being ready, waiting in the agreed upon places.

All is well, whatever happens.

I turn the thought around “it would be wonderful if I missed my flight”. 

Now it’s getting interesting.

I might have quiet time. I’d have time to sit with my computer, or my book…or to close my eyes and rest. I might see more of the strange city I’ve been in. I might run into someone fun.

Something deep inside would relax.

Suddenly, I realize that the thought about not waking up with an alarm feels the same as the thought about not waking up to the Truth, or Enlightenment….

….that future open state of peace.

Eckhart Tolle reminds me that if I focus on the future, my goals, the time on the clock, I begin to lose.

That includes the focus on waking up. Whatever kind of waking up I’m thinking about. 

“Your life’ journey is no longer an adventure, just an obsessive need to arrive, to attain, to “make it.” You no longer see or smell the flowers by the wayside either, nor are you aware of the beauty and the miracle of life that unfolds all around you when you are present in the Now.” 

There could be wonderful, exciting things about missing my flight, missing the future.

Who knows. It is not sooooooo up to me as I think. Everything is working here together with this plan to move from point A to point B. Or not.

Remembering that I am open to whatever happens, everything within rests.

“Nothing comes ahead of its time, and nothing ever happened that didn’t need to happen.” 

With love,

Grace