January 2013 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

January 31, 2013

Bring All Those Money Thoughts

Someone asked me “You mean, you just investigated your thoughts about money, and your money changed?”

The short answer is “yes”.

Of course, I now see that money changes all on its own, without my opinion.

My opinion used to bring anger, frustration, terror, unhappiness and anxiety. My opinion used to bring comparison to those other people with money, me with less money, those other people without money, me with more money.

It can drive a person nuts to be in that framework. Well….it did drive me nuts.

My job, as I see it these days, is to watch my mind, be present, and investigate. I watch the effort rise, the thoughts that I need to do something, the thought that this money should go here or there.

I’m so bossy!

If you’re wondering what to do with your Money Thoughts….all those endless ideas and dreams about having more or less….one place you can bring them for deep investigation is to a very small group of inquirers.

The power of the group is amazing, intimate, and precious. And it can change your mind entirely about that thing called Money and all the ways we know to get it, receive it, have it move towards us.

Monday we start the teleclass Earning Money. We dial in together, limited to 10 participants, using our phones or Skype, and we sink into examining this thing called money and the ways we access it…work, having a business, marketing, services, gifts, spending, investing, donating.

People will be on the call together from all over the world. Amazing.

Come along for the ride, it’s a fabulous journey.

You don’t need to have huge job or business problems…all you need is an interest in looking at your thoughts about money, your relationship to money, and to question it!

Richness Of The Group Inquiry Process:

Thanks everyone, for a great class. And thanks, Grace, for creating the structure and support for this powerful inquiry. I so appreciate your facilitation, dedication, humility, and humor, and I’m nourished by your desire to be of service in any way you can. This is a motherlode of a ‘topic’ and it’s amazing to me that after 8+ weeks of exploring Money, Work, Biz, how it feels like it’s just the tip of the iceberg….I was really impressed by how much richness there was in the group inquiry process. And enjoyed the companionship, vulnerability, and humor that was generated in our circle.~MB, class participant Autumn 2012

I Never Looked At This Before:

I really loved sitting with the questions from Grace this week. No wonder I feel so uncomfortable marketing when I saw all the underlying beliefs I have around marketing and sales. I have been doing the work for several years and never looked at this part of my business and what I do, the marketing. ~ MM, class participant Summer 2012

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

January 30, 2013

You Do Not Need More Money

Money seems to be one of my biggest hooks, triggers, potholes, or suffering zones over the past several years. For some weird reason, I didn’t think about it much in my teens, twenties, or thirties.

It’s almost like I put it on a shelf over there. I had other more important things to think about. I didn’t want to get all riled up about it, like other people. I didn’t want to feel scarcity around it, or get too driven about it.

I was always pretty happy with small amounts of stuff. Seriously. I loved taking things to goodwill or give them away. I preferred everything I owned to fit in my car.

During my childhood it seemed like Money caused a lot of problems for several important people in my life: my mom, dad, grandma and grandpa.

Strange, but it remained unimportant to me, because there was nothing I actually wanted, as a child, that money could buy. It was super easy to get my first job…one of my sisters got a job at a retirement home and told me to go ahead and apply, too. I think we were about 14 and 15 years old.

If she hadn’t suggested applying, I probably wouldn’t have even thought of it in the first place.

Cut to 30 years later when I was desperate for an interview, income, a job. And yet…picky picky picky. It couldn’t be a low-paying waitress job or an entry level position. Because of my thoughts, I imagined that to be worse than being unemployed.

A few weeks more, with the threat of not being able to buy gas for my car much longer, I was not so picky anymore.

Fortunately for me, at that time, I had The Work as a tool to use for my wildly insanely panicked thoughts about money and work.

Even though I had almost no money left and my bank account was dwindling to nothing, I hired a facilitator to help me investigate my beliefs about money, and work. I like to tell this story in the Earning Money teleclass.

The most painful, painful thought was “I need more money. Yesterday”.

I could see the inevitability of losing my house unless something really drastic changed. I made my first late mortgage payment….only 3 months away from foreclosure.

My savings were gone.

I needed more money, so I thought, or I would lose my house. And THAT would of course be horrendous, because my kids and I would have to move in with my mom. Forty minutes away by car.

Thinking about the worst that could happen without money was something I barely wanted to consider before. But with investigation into my greatest fear, I asked myself what was really true.

I will have no home
My children will suffer
My entire family will be happier than me
I will never bounce back
It’s too late for me to start a good career
I don’t know how to get a good job, earn LOTS of money
I need more training, another degree, a different education
My mother will be annoyed with us
I won’t be able to stand sharing a kitchen with my mother! It will be WWIII.

As I found these thoughts my stomach felt nauseated and tight, the images were terrible, I imagined myself as such a loser.

And the thing that would cure this pain was definitely more money.

But could I absolutely know that this was true? Would my pain actually be cured? Would I feel excited and without fear? Would I feel secure, truly? Would I feel rested, peaceful, happy? Was money the only way to freedom?

Um. That would be a “no”. I knew money was not the only way to freedom, that would be crazy.

How I lived with the thought that I needed more money YESTERDAY was like I was in a state of emergency inside my body. I was exhausted, I was jittery, I couldn’t sleep well, I kept thinking the same thoughts, and I was sure I couldn’t get along with my mother.

Who would I be WITHOUT the thought that I needed more money?

It was almost impossible to find that place, initially. I kept seeing my house disappear, my life disappear, my car disappear, my enthusiasm and motivation disappear. I kept seeing myself depressed in my mother’s basement, and my kids crying because they missed the house we used to have (as if they would join me in the same agony).

But turning the thought around….WOW. Now that was amazing to consider. To become open to the possibilities.

I will always have a home, no matter where I am–that has been the case so far
My children will not suffer, they will see what it’s like to move from here to there
I could be happier than my entire family. Hilarious! Without the constrictions of a mortgage, who knows!
I don’t need to bounce back, I will be bouncing forward
Amazing people have found new careers late in life, and so can I
I do know how to get a good job, I am just as capable of earning lots of money as anyone else
I don’t need any more training, no degree, no education. I have the perfect amount. Incredible people in this world support themselves, without degrees.
My mother will be thrilled with us, and get to know us intimately
I will love sharing with my mother. It will be an incredible truce!

I began to see such benefits, that it started sounding fantastic to move out of our home, sell everything, give everything away, and move in with my mother. What an opportunity! Start a brand new life! Fun!

The relief, stillness, acceptance, and peace penetrated everything I had started believing about money.

I did not need more money.

The whole thing was a nightmare, and I was waking up.

And that was happening, without more money. DOH!

“Fear has only two causes: the thought of losing what you have or the thought of not getting what you want. In either case, the worst thing that can ever happen is a story. Nothing you need can be taken from you. And no one can ever have anything you need. Need is a story you tell yourself. It’s a wanting-what-is-not that separates you from what is.”~Byron Katie in I Need Your Love, Is It True?

Seeing the advantages in what is, I waited and kept moving and calling places, more joyfully. I looked at want-ads with more creativity. I asked for loans, and amazing family members said Yes.

I felt the trust of the universe. This was going to go the way that it would go…without my opinion.

It went the way it needed to go, for my biggest learning.

Come join the next teleclass Earning Money: What’s The Problem? It starts next Monday, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. We spend time investigating the really gritty, angry, beastly thoughts about money, about our businesses or our jobs (or lack of them), what we believe about marketing or selling (job interviews, promoting our businesses) and how we feel about the state of not-enough.

It’s one of my favorite journeys of all time. Join us! We still have room for a few more.

Love, Grace

January 29, 2013

You Can’t Get Rid Of It

Yesterday I signed off the computer. I had not scheduled any clients or classes. I took a good book, and went to the bath house.

Outside it was raining cats and dogs. Dark, gray, dreary winter. I wanted to be alone and felt very contemplative.

Unfortunately, I had one of those weird times when being alone with my own company wasn’t all that fun.

Sometimes irritability is like an energy that asserts itself into whatever is here, whatever it is, even if you’re in paradise. I had on Irritation Glasses.

Why on earth are there so many people in the bath house on a Monday? Why do I live in a place that rains 11 months of the year? I should use this time to write, I should use this time to research, I should be doing some kind of “look-at-the-year-ahead” strategic goal-setting thing, I need to finish my taxes, didn’t I say I was going to learn to play the mandolin? Well, you should be playing it TODAY.

And by the way, you should stop complaining. What kind of person are you? JEEZ.

It’s like there’s splinter stuck in the thinking process, a cedar splinter…too small to pull out without good tweezers and no tweezers in sight, it seems.

And what happens with this annoying, edgy, dissatisfied, uncomfortable, whiney way of seeing everything?

A new idea…the idea known as “I QUIT!”

There is a new energy, although certainly not peaceful, with I-Quit Thinking.

I’ve had enough! This is unacceptable! I’m outta here! I refuse! Good riddance! Never again!

It’s a great dramatic moment in movies and theater. You can take this job and shove it! I want a divorce! You have offended me, you are no longer my friend and I will never speak to you again! We are hiking over the alps out of Austria to freedom!

The curtains close. The dust setttles. The conflict is over. Freedom has prevailed!

At least, that’s what the mind thinks.

Of course, life goes on and new challenges meet the heros and heroines who have moved into the I-QUIT zone. They may even repeat the exact same sequence with someone new, in a new situation.

Before I had the tool of self-inquiry, my mind would chatter incessantly and I would, indeed, quit something. If the chatter got too loud.

There is nothing wrong with quitting. But it often is not necessary. We think we have to, that there is no way out of this rat-maze of experience unless we make a big change, put our foot down, draw a boundary.

It is an absolute demand for improvement. THIS situation is bad and I will not stand for it. I will force a change. I will get away from that BAD person or situation.

Yesterday, in my mind, it was like I was saying if it weren’t for taxes, rain, learning the mandolin, money, time, and other people….I would be having fun here in this life. But since all these things are here, and they are irritating, then I am unhappy.

We can even have the thought that if it weren’t for our THINKING then all would be well.

Gosh, if it weren’t for my irritable, annoying brain, I would wake up and be happy.

“Loving-kindness—maitri—toward ourselves doesn’t mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy after all these years. We can still be angry after all these years. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. The point is not to try to change ourselves.”~Pema Chodron

I notice that in my alone day, despite there being crankiness around every corner, I also have a voice of curiosity. I am watching, or something watches. There is someone or something here that knows all is well. Or perhaps all is very NOT well, and that’s OK too. This is just a dream world.

If I really, really, really do not have to get rid of anything….if I do not have to move away, cut off ties, ban anything, go on a special diet, lay down the law, get a lobotomy….wow.

Suddenly there is relaxation. Openness, the unknown. What happens next is mysterious.

I don’t have to DO anything, or change anything. Things actually just change. That’s the nature of reality.

“Mind is so powerful that it could take the imagined fist and beat it against a wall and actually believe that you are the person whose fist it is. Because mind in its ignorance is so quick to hold its imagined world together, it has created time and space and everything in it. Mind’s ability to create is a beautiful thing, unless as the terrorist that it often is, it has created a world that’s frightening or unkind……Eventually, mind discovers that it’s free, that it’s infinitely out of control and infinitely joyful.”~Byron Katie

Yesterday I watched, and didn’t do much, and didn’t accomplish much, and rested and lay still, and thought with wonder about how I will die at some point and this whole thing will quit, at least in this particular form.

And later, at dinner with my three sisters and my mother, we all laughed so hard our stomach’s hurt. Irritability was gone. “I” didn’t “make” it leave or decide to never speak to it again. It came and went.

Remembering that everything changes and that reality is on the move is the sweetest thing. I don’t have to be at war with what I am not in favor of, like other people or the weather.

Today it looks like I have another day on the planet. The rain is very soothing and lush. My cottage is gorgeous and bright. My thoughts are flowing.

Even if I Quit, I didn’t really. It keeps going.

“All streams flow to the sea because it is lower than they are. Humility gives it its power.”~Tao Te Ching #66

Love, Grace

January 27, 2013

People With More Money Are Better

The anxiety of discovering that you made a mistake or did something wrong, shows up in a variety of ways, depending on your usual modes of operation.

Some people get very jittery and nervous, very shallow breathing, very worried, with the mind spinning as fast as it can trying to feel better.

Some get very angry, blaming, frustrated and saying defensive things like “well, if she hadn’t done or said THAT, then I wouldn’t have made the mistake in the first place!”

Some people cry, feel frightened of what will happen next because of their bad mistake, or desperately wish they could go back and get a do-over.

Whatever this terrible mistake is….it’s painful.

This morning I worked with a lovely woman who observes her family and sees them all as successful, prosperous, adventurous people.

Her mistake? Taking a road less traveled. Not making as much money. Owning less, doing less, having less.

I remember when my marriage was ending 8 years ago. At the time I had the thought “Holy Cow! (maybe the words were a little more caustic) I shouldn’t have been a stay-at-home mom for 10 years! What the hell was I thinking!?!”

I looked at my life path and choices and had a profound, sinking feeling of failure.

I had just wasted 10 years of my life NOT earning money, I had just selfishly done what I wanted with my kids and gotten myself into a place of poverty, I had just relied on a husband to provide, and not realized how STUPID that was.

I MADE A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

So many thoughts about money, success, career, enjoying the pleasures of life, feeling secure and safe, having enough, not having enough.

Like the woman I had the honor of speaking with this morning, my mind at the time began wildly comparing me to other “better” people who hadn’t made bad career-and-money mistakes.

members of my family are doing much better than me
they are successful, I am not
they have more money, so they did something right
I have less money, so I did something wrong
I should have gotten a degree, stayed married, earned more money, invested better
I shouldn’t have spent that other money in the past
I should have saved
I’m worthless now
I need more money

It can be incredibly difficult to step back in the middle of looking at everyone else with great comparison to see your surroundings without it.

At that time when my economy was collapsing, I had to look over and over again at thoughts about money and my worth and my choices and the people around me, who seemed to be better off…..especially my family.

I asked myself over and over, and had facilitators ask me “who would you be without the thought that you should have made more money? Or that you should have chosen and followed a career path? Or that you did it wrong? Or that you need more money right now?”

Who would you be without the thought that other people have done better?

This is a very strange place to visit, this place of no comparison, when the mind is used to constantly comparing.

It feels empty, open, paused. It appears to be like a movie scene, with the sound turned off. It is mysterious….and it begins to be beautiful.

All these people, including family members…..these bodies surrounding us, who we were assuming were better than us, are now just neutral. No better or worse. It’s simply a picture, a vision. No attaching “good” or “bad” to any of it.

I am here breathing, apparently in this body over here….this one that doesn’t have much money associated with it.

This body has a heart beating, lungs taking in breath, eyes seeing other people, eyes seeing the richness, colors, things, stuff, items that money can buy, it appears.

Without a sense that anything is good or bad…this person that I am feels unlimited, wild, magical, unknown. Just being here, seeing.

“Being present means living without control and always having your needs met.”~Byron Katie

I begin to find advantages for my life being exactly as it has been, with no career developed until age 45, with just the amount of money I had.

I watch the other people I love who are around me and see how perfect the amount of money is for them that they have. If they have more, they need more. If I have less, it’s just the amount I can handle.

What a spectacular adventure: to realize how much is here in this moment, bursting with stuff, things, sounds, sights. I need to do nothing to experience any of it. I haven’t had to work hard.

“I notice that I fed myself this morning in the kindest way. The food was wholesome and simple, and if I hadn’t had china and elegant flatware and chairs and table and candle, I would have found a place in the sun and sat and eaten breakfast with my hands. I wouldn’t give myself less than the best of what is available at any moment. I love that I am my keeper, and I love what keeps the keeper: everything.”~Byron Katie

If I spend only 10 seconds looking around, as if I came from another planet or another culture, and I did not know about money and who has enough of it (or that I don’t) then I see how I am surrounded by infinity. Abundance.

This moment is so full. How can I practice giving myself the best of what is available, right here, right now in this moment? There is so much to choose from….I think it might be easy.

Love, Grace

P.S. The next teleclass is beginning soon on MONEY! One of my most favorite all-time topics! We begin Mondays, Feb. 4th to start our week. Class is filling up…register soon and join us for this amazing and wonderful exploration into money and how we think about it, relate to it, get it, and experience it.

Learn About Teleclasses Here

January 25, 2013

Guys Wanted Bad

I am laughing at the subject line. Hilarious! But I promised the one wonderful guy in my Sexuality class that I would beat the bushes for another male participant.

One spot left before our second class meets on Tuesday evening Pacific time via telephone! Anyone can catch up by listening to the first class recording. You will be welcomed in with open arms. All for exploring your icky thoughts that are not fun to think.

And meanwhile, back at the ranch. Speaking of WANTING BAD….

Doesn’t that just about sum up one of the major human life dilemmas? I waaaaannnnnttttt it. Really bad.

Recently, I’ve been reminded of how intense the experience of WANTING can be forparents. I’ve had probably 4 clients in the past week work on a deeply similar thought: I want my kid to succeed. I don’t want my kid to feel bad.

Being a parent myself, I know how badly we can want when it comes to kids.

I want her to get good grades
I want him to clean his room
I want them to be kind and thoughtful
I want him to be excited and passionate about learning
I want her to excel at ___________ (sports, classes, art, drama, language, etc)
I want them to be upstanding citizens
I want her to love herself

Parenting another human carries such weight, responsibility, hope, energy, fear…and HOPE! Did I say hope?

We think of ourselves that we need to be strong, excellent, incredible parents who are stellar role models of brilliance!

Our kids don’t always do what we want them to do. They might even “fail” the usual system. These kids might have other ideas, their own desires and interests, their own new way of doing something.

In fact, doing things in a new, innovative, unusual way might secretly be what we would really, really want for them….and for ourselves.

But gosh, that’s entering the unknown. I’m not sure it will work!

This raising a kid thing has to WORK. Meaning, I have to successfully help navigate this child towards THEM being incredible stellar models of brilliance!

They have to turn out GOOD. Otherwise….I’M A TERRIBLE MOTHER.

I must be vigilant!

Wow. So much hanging on the “success” of these creatures under our care. We see these conditions we place on them, and discover that it doesn’t quite feel like wide open love.

My daughter was having a terrible time in school. She was tested. Not enough of a gap between intelligence and skill. No special ed supplied. But she couldn’t read. She was recorded as “three years behind” her grade level.

I did the Work a lot on schools, the inadequacies of the schools, the need to actually go through school in order to learn something. After questioning stressful beliefs, my daughter I realize could try many options, and I knew the schools weren’t bad, and knew that they are full of amazing helpful people AND she doesn’t actually need to go to any of them.

And then I questioned the concept “my daughter needs to read”.

I mean, that just seemed so true! She not only needs to read, she needs to succeed in school, GO to school, and go to college….otherwise she’ll be a waitress for the rest of her life.

Or worse!!

Everyone who is anywhere wants children to read! Everyone knows it is best, this is just basic square one rudimentary stuff of life. How could anyone be happy or successful without reading?

And by the way, while we’re at it…videos, computers, gaming, movies, talking, listening, iphones, cell phones, shows, anything observed by sight that you passively sit back and relax and take in….these are NOT as good as reading.

Reading is better.

Is that absolutely true?

I notice after doing The Work for awhile on this and related ideas, I stopped worrying about all that. I didn’t stop caring. I just accepted that the structure to thrive was going to look really different than I had previously imagined.

My daughter started going to a little itsy bitsy alternative private school. She’s been there for awhile now.

In the past I would have been afraid of this crazy, alternative school.

Bunch of weirdos!

But that was several years ago. I stopped having a panic attack about my daughter and her reading. I continued to question my thinking. It seemed like I was the one who calmed down, not her.

Yesterday, my daughter came through the door breathing with excitement, with a pile of books from the library. She said “mom, you gotta hear this!” She threw down the pile on the table and opened one of them, hunting for the right page…..

“Listen to this book we’re reading in my class!” she said.

And she read out loud to me…..several paragraphs, with speed, clarity, articulation, excitement, laughter.

“Isn’t that funny?!” she said as she looked up.

My eyes were brimming with tears. I had forgotten about that “reading” problem, for quite awhile now. I had stopped wanting her to read. And this is what happened.

“If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you mus first allow it to be given. This is called the subtle perception of the way things are. The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast. Let your workings remain a mystery. Just show people the results.”~Tao Te Ching #36

Yes, that’s pretty funny.

Love, Grace

January 24, 2013

I’ve Never Really Done The Work

Sometimes I have a little voice that raises up and says things like “Gosh…you are soooo freakin’ insecure, just look at you! Did you hear what you just said? What a dope!”

It goes on, but it really is a little boring. It repeats itself.

People who work with me often say they have thoughts against themselves most of all, not against other people or the world.

I find it’s really all balled-up together in a big knotted pile. How I think about you is how I think about me is how I think about you, and it’s all bouncing around in all directions, skipping hither and thither.

I often wind up talking a little about that Critical Voice (to put it mildly) at times when working with a client, or in a class or workshop.

Annie Lamott, a fabulous writer I love, says she named this voice KFCK. Like a radio station. You turn on the station and you get the barrage of insults and corrections and commentary on what you are doing wrong, when you did it wrong, how you did it wrong and the way you are likely to do it wrong in the future.

When people learn about doing The Work sometimes they say they have to do their worksheet on themselves. If you are familiar with Byron Katie, you’ll know she highly recommends sticking to considering your thoughts about others, not yourself.

Why?

Because there is almost always a motive, a very deep desire to get in there and remove, fix, eliminate, or destroy the “bad” part of me. Once I do that….then my life will be better, easier, and free.

The thing is, this is not “loving what is” or being with this, as it is. This is not appreciating or understanding or accepting or opening to THIS. Imperfect me.

Last night my “spiritual” group met via the phone, with our facilitator Stephan Bodian. I noticed how my mind raced wildly for the first 30 minutes of the call, after frantically looking for the phone number which I apparently wrote down wrong in my new 2013 calendar.

Then I began to settle into the present moment. And then, I was aware of how much I’ve been rushing. Again.

I shared with the group and felt like my words were fast, busy, and not all that deep. Like I was sharing an observation about a bucket of water I just saw and how fascinating that bucket was….when Stephan and others were talking about seeing the Ocean.

The Voice had a few things to say:

you talk too much
you’re trying too hard
you’ll never get this
you’re too busy, too interested in the outer world
you’re too hooked on making money, preventing financial disaster
you’re a scaredy cat in the end, you can’t stop being afraid

It sometimes sounded a bit more mean, abusive, and nasty than I’ve written here. But you get the idea.

One of my favorite teachers, Joan Tollifson, wrote that sometimes she is sitting at her desk, or going about her life (which has been a lifetime of studying the human condition and her own human condition) and she has had the thought “I’ve ruined my life”.

I burst out laughing the first time I read it.

When I was at the recent Cleanse with Byron Katie in Los Angeles, at one point in the middle of it while listening to someone do The Work on stage, I had the thought “I’ve never really done The Work.”

I can’t even remember what came right before that thought. There was some recognition of how deep, profound, wide, and mysterious all this is. How just having the question “is it true?” is so bizarre and penetrating, if you stay with it for more than 2 seconds.

I was aware of how much time I spend chasing after what I think needs to be chased after. How much I believe things are true, that are not really true. How careful I think I need to be sometimes, how cautious, or how frustrated that I’m not “getting it” (whatever IT is) fast enough.

“Look how your mind reacts if you do something that doesn’t live up to your expectations. You try to re-create yourself. And if your mind is like a lot of minds, it could be brutal….As though that violent mode will create something different.”~Byron Katie

What if I just noticed that the chatterbox radio station apparently got turned on, and there it is, being itself? No emergencies, no need to listen with hyper-alert to every word.

What if harsh gunfire in the form of words (or guns, for that matter) is just the way it comes out sometimes, with the belief that this intensity is absolutely necessary to get a point across?

“In reality, there is no such thing as enlightened activity and deluded activity. The distinction is purely notional, and from the perspective of the universe, there is no mistake and no tragedy either way. The disorder is all part of a larger order.”~Joan Tollifson

What if The Voice that gets all shrieky and pestilent and abrasive, or all the behavior I’ve called DISORDERED, is actually part of a greater order, a magnificent order?

Can I find the possibility of this to be true? Can I find examples of how even my disorders are in order, somehow?

I shared with my food and eating group that I found with myself, and with all people with food and eating issues, that they are actually very powerful, passionate, intense and alive!

My disordered eating brought me to explore the universe. On my knees. It turned out to be easier on my knees. And I didn’t need any weapons.

“You can’t not be in grace. Everything about you is totally absolutely perfectly appropriate. All the things you think are wrong with you are absolutely right.”~Tony Parsons

Love, Grace

January 23, 2013

Something Is Definitely Wrong

Every single time I start a new teleclass group, I learn new things. Last Friday a fabulous and passionate group gathered to investigate their pain around their relationship with eating food.

Tonight a brave and transparent group gathered to look at sexuality and memories that brought shame, disgust, sadness and the desire for peace.

I am surrounded by such sincere inquiring minds. I am un-doing my own stressful assumptions….and wanting to help everyone follow along with this work, especially the new folks.

I notice thoughts move through my mind, like “I hope this is awesome, I hope people get a lot out of it, I want them to learn, I want them to be filled with awareness, joy, to have AH-HA moments, to get free!”

This prickly sense of anticipation, or looking with these kinds of thoughts to the future, can be VERY fascinating to investigate.

I have these kinds of thoughts with ANY group, meeting, party, gathering, lecture or event that I am hosting, offering, planning or running. Yes, I confess that it’s true.

What I am putting on has to be AWESOMELY GOOD! Please oh please oh please! I want them to like it! To like me! Ack, not that again…

Do they really need to like me? I’ve investigated and discovered they absolutely don’t need to at all. They might even be very annoyed….it really is OK.

But diving deeper into this idea that any workshop or program or class or retreat must be GOOD. What is that? Why? I have had the very same thought myself about things I have signed up for, participated in.

Is it actually absolutely true that if I venture out into the world in some way, go on a journey, that I must learn something, get something, have an ah-ha light bulb go off?

I discover, as I consider this, how often I have thought of myself as truly needing something when I attend a workshop, class, or program. I need the information. Something inside me is missing. I need something more.

I am confused, anxious, bored, seeking. Maybe even broken.

That’s why I’m going to the therapist, for crying out loud! That’s why I’m going to the retreat, the workshop, the meeting, the healer, or the wise teacher.

Otherwise, why would I go!?!

THERE’S A PROBLEM OVER HERE! Something is wrong.

Is that true? Is it absolutely true that something is wrong?

Yes. Here’s the list of what’s wrong. See? Surely you agree with me.

How do I react when I think the thought that there is a purpose, a solution, a meaning, an importance, a need, and answer being fulfilled by any workshop, retreat or class offered?

I chase after every workshop that I think will resolve my “problem” that I can find. I can’t stop. I keep seeking. My motto is “find out what is wrong and then fix it”. I have an expected outcome…..ENLIGHTENMENT! I get disappointed if it’s not quite right, not quite the result I was looking for.

Who would I be without the thought that I have a problem? That I need to find a solution? That anyone else needs to find a solution? That there is an ANSWER? That enlightenment is around the next bend?

The wonderful thing about drilling down into the core of my beliefs about all that needs to be fixed, is that everything becomes more and more mysterious, and unresolvable, and open, and wild and free.

As I un-ravel and un-do my own system of thinking that creates stress and worry, doubt, anger or frustration…I know less.

I’m in kindergarten. Preschool.

“All the greatest and most important problems of life are fundamentally insoluble…They can never be solved, but only outgrown. This “outgrowth” proved on further investigation to require a new level of consciousness. Some higher or wider interest appeared on the patient’s horizon, and through this broadening of his or her outlook the insoluble problem lost its urgency. It was not solved logically in its own terms but faded when confronted with a new and stronger life urge.”~Carl Jung

I turn the thought around: I do NOT need to solve anything, I do not need to find a solution, I do not need to find the answer, I do not need to become enlightened.

What are genuine, authentic, real, believable examples for me that this could be as true, or truer, than my original stressful thought?

I feel much lighter without the thought that I need to do something, be something, find something different. I feel excited. Creative! Imaginative! Not critical, not bitter. Not wanting to avoid this and grab that.

My mind can relax. Something here continues to move and be and grow, no matter what. I don’t have to add anything or do anything myself.

Life is living itself, right here (without my assistance, it turns out).

“Do you want to improve the world? I don’t think it can be done. The world is sacred. It can’t be improved. If you tamper with it, you’ll ruin it. If you treat it like an object, you’ll lose it. There is a time for being ahead, a time for being behind; a time for being in motion, a time for being at rest; a time for being vigorous, a time for being exhausted; a time for being safe, a time for being in danger. The Master sees things as they are, without trying to control them. She lets them go their own way, and resides at the center of the circle.”~Tao Te Ching #29

Love, Grace

P.S. One spot left for the Our Wonderful Sexuality class that just started this evening. You can catch up by listening to the recording. Class will be closed after session two. There is one man in our class, would be fun with another one! Come join us!

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Fridays, January 18 – March 15, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks. No class 2/22.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

January 22, 2013

Are You Trying To Handle The Master Carpenter’s Tools?

I have had many questions recently about how the teleclasses work and what it’s like to participate logistically. Like, “do I need my computer and do I need to watch something online?!”

The good news: all you need is a telephone. Any kind of phone will do. I haven’t gotten fancy yet with webinars or slides or something actually online…although that’s probably coming. But this option is quite simple. You dial in to a regular 9-digit US phone number and then enter a code, and we’re all on the phone together!

Many people like to use Skype as it is then free from their foreign location. This DOES require a computer and the use of the free software by Skype. I am amazed at all the wonderful people calling from Australia, Japan, Germany, Spain, Peru, Mexico. Truly incredible!

And speaking of technology….MY HARD DRIVE CRASHED! ARRRRGGGGH!

What was that? Did you say I might want to do The Work on this situation?

Oh, now that you mention it…I DID notice a moment of exploding thoughts about gizmos and gadgets and hard drives not working. I WOULD call that stressful, yes.

In my Friday Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass, the effort to establish the group forum initially didn’t work either. Arrrgghh again.

These moments are so fascinating for watching the mind that wants control, or believes it HAS control, or believes it NEEDS control.

It has such a hissy fit. It should be going THAT way, not THIS way.

This is the landing place of angst, frustration, resentment, suffering. I want it to look like that, I think it should look like that, I need it to look like that…in order to be happy.

I will NOT be happy until it looks the way I think it should look.

my hard drive shouldn’t break
all data needs to be retrieved
this program should work
this shouldn’t take so long
I should understand this. Yesterday.
whose fault is this? Attack them now.

With computers and technology, I find the frustration is so minor, my mind brushes it off as inconsequential. Unimportant, not necessary for investigation. I quickly find that the data I thought I needed is not needed at all.

However, this is absolutely fantastic training ground for awareness of the thought process, since there is not so much invested, according to my mind. The feelings are not very strong, so I can see how the mind works when it’s incredibly self-oriented and all about ME.

Busy finding fault with those people out there who are doing it wrong. Those hard-drive builders, that data-retrieval company, my teenager who dropped the thing in the first place, the people at google or apple who are updating everything so freakin’ fast I can’t keep up.

This mind will do the same thing on seemingly much bigger issues, the ones I care about a lot more.

Like…my body should be like THAT, not like THIS. My girlfriend should be like THAT, not like THIS. My job should be like THAT, not like THIS. The political scene, the corporations, money, traffic, my child, my mother, my father, time, energy, my health, my job, my living situation, that other country, the government, chocolate, the weather.

One of my favorite things Byron Katie says is “who needs God, when we have your opinion?”

But. I can’t be mistaken, could I? That would be alarming. Confusing. Weird. I mean, wouldn’t I lose all my volition, my energy, my push, my drive? If I am not 100% RIGHT then what will I do? I won’t know what to say, think, feel, dream!

I won’t be able to come up with my PLAN for this situation and how it should be handled and managed. I’ll be too passive!

[We interrupt this Grace Notes post to let you know that right in the middle of writing it, half of it suddenly disappeared from the screen with a message about unusual technical difficulty right here in this moment].

I am now laughing!

What are the advantages of having things vanish, break, disappear, get lost, become unretrievable?

I notice that suffering occurs, on some level, every time I think things should be different than they actually are. I also have believed that if I accept WHAT IS, then I myself will become nothing, mean nothing, and not matter. And nothing will ever change (and it needs to, remember?)

What are the advantages for losing my work, losing my hard drive, losing my memory, my former husband, my childhood, my family the way it once was? What are the advantages for losing my health, my youth, my job, my house, my money, my hard drive?

I am here, now, in the present. I notice there is now, and a new thing to think of or do. I notice I don’t need all my recordings on that hard drive, I don’t need the wedding pictures (there are plenty more from other people), I don’t need it to run my classes, I get to buy a new laptop that is new instead of very old.

I notice everything is moving and changing. Nothing is stagnant.

“Our life’s work is to use what we have been given to wake up. If there were two people who were exactly the same—same body, same speech, same mind, same mother, same father, same house, same food, everything the same—one of them could use what he has to wake up and the other could use it to become more resentful, bitter, and sour. It doesn’t matter what you’re given, whether it’s physical deformity or enormous wealth or poverty, beauty or ugliness, mental stability or mental instability, life in the middle of a madhouse or life it he middle of a peaceful, silent desert. Whatever you’re given can wake you up or put you to sleep.”~Pema Chodron

For me, I am nodding off when I start in on those people, that technology, or this situation that is BAD and needs to be FIXED.

There she goes, falling asleep into the irritable, intolerant, anxious, sad, all-about-me mind!

I remember, at some point, to question my thinking.

Because I find over and over again that without making war on a situation, amazingly, it seems that it’s actually MORE likely to change.

Well, it usually does anyway, whether I’m trying to get it to change or not.

“If you realize that all things change, there is nothing you will try to hold on to. If you aren’t afraid of dying, there is nothing you can’t achieve. Trying to control the future is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place. When you handle the master carpenter’s tools, chances are that you’ll cut your hand.”~ Tao Te Ching #74

I used to cut my hands over and over again. They were a bloody mess. OUCH. Just so unhappy and so full of thoughts about my predicament being terrible. Life seemed sooooo hard.

But with The Work, letting go of the outcome, turning my thinking around to the opposite, finding advantages for my present situation….my hands only appear to have little nicks and scratches on them.

And today, with this technology “break down” thing, I notice my “hands” are pain-free. In fact, they look pretty lovely. They look fascinating! Who made these hands? What made these hands? Who or what do they belong to?! Freakin’ Incredible!

Love, Grace

January 20, 2013

I Get Mail About My Intimacy Class

You’ll notice I didn’t use the words, “sexuality class” in the subject line. That’s because the spam filters will sometimes block e-mails with those kinds of “bad” titles and nasty words. The word “intimate” is more innocuous and acceptable.

And speaking of THAT CLASS…here’s a note from a guy who’s taken it before. It sums up what I like so much about this amazing class (which is starting on Tuesday at 6:30 Pacific time).

————-

Hi Grace,

Here’s why I’m taking your sexuality teleclasses again.

For one thing, I just like being in a class that I’ve committed to, because I know how sneaky my mind can be.

By being in the class, I’m doing what I really WANT, instead of believing it when my mind says, “I don’t have time,” or, “I don’t want to bother with this today…another day would definitely be better.”

And I’m amazed how often I think these thoughts just before doing The Work…as my mind looks for an escape hatch…but afterward I’m so grateful…and this happens time after time after time.

Another reason is that doing The Work in a group continues to diffuse the charge on ALL the sexual topics…hearing “the words” said out loud and hearing other people saying my exact same thoughts.

I feel my body relax when I hear other talk about how they react (Question 3) and it reminds me of places in me I hadn’t thought of, or that I was trying to keep at bay and under wraps.

Actually, I’ve thought about it a lot…that what we share and drop into in just a few minutes on these teleclasses, is what used to take me years…of getting to know someone…and then sending out feelers for a while to see if it’s safe…and only THEN getting to the stuff I protect and keep in the deep dark recesses of my hidden mind.

And during the classes, I continue to progressively relax and it seems to get even better as the weeks go by and we “break the ice”…the people become friends after we’ve all had the guts to actually SAY what (awful, horrible, despicable) things really go on in our heads instead of trying to look good or hide.

It’s such a relief.

And I see myself just being more open and hiding less in my daily life with “ordinary” people (who seem to be getting nicer, more open, smarter, friendlier, and more receptive).

Also, I have two friends from a teleclass about 2 years ago, and we’ve continued to do The Work almost every week since then. Our trust level has deepened and we’ve learned about each other’s lives and offer quick e-mails of support and sharing during the week. That was another gift I never planned on.

But it isn’t just sexuality issues that have changed. I feel better about my body, the way it works, the way it responds, and have dropped judgments that I wasn’t aware of until I realize they’re just not there anymore…harsh judgments of both others and myself.

I also notice how the “sexuality issues” are almost never really about sexuality…it’s about expectations, needing and wanting approval, anxiety relief, believing how other people

SHOULD be, how I should feel…the usual suspects!

One specific example I loved seeing during the last session was thinking back to being with my partner and wanting her to initiate sex…but of course, I didn’t say anything that night, I was just lying in bed, facing the other direction, arms crossed, pissed, resentful, pouting, and stubborn as a mule.

And when she unexpectedly started moving toward me, both emotionally and sexually, I was so far down the road of resentment that I said I didn’t want to! Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face.

But now, I can just laugh and be kind to myself in seeing how I was innocent and didn’t have the tools at the time…instead of bringing out the hair shirt and whip to punish myself for yet ANOTHER emotionally stunted response.

Day by day, I’m gentler with myself.

Another thing I’m grateful for is a great friend who’s a straight guy who DOESN’T do The Work…yet our relationship has deepened so much since doing the first sexuality class.

Now I tell him all about what I’m noticing and we talk about all sorts of sexuality issues. I’ve never had another man to talk to on this level of intimacy.

Frankly, we’re both astonished, yet it seems so normal and ordinary…another unexpected, precious gift.

Sometimes I try to figure out what it is that makes The Work, actually work. My best “analysis” is it’s a combination of opening and shining light on our hidden world, catharsis, intellectual understanding, sharing in the presence of another, honesty, truth, actually feeling our bodies and emotions, seeing our thoughts and images as just thoughts and images, educating our minds, learning to love each other and ourselves.

In other words, all of the above and a bunch of other things I’m sure I don’t notice. But really, I don’t really know or need to know I just keep doing it and noticing.

So thanks for doing what you’re doing with these classes…and how you share yourself too, just like the example in your “Grace-Notes” e-mail about the strip club a couple days ago. That was revealing and pretty funny!

We’re ALL so funny…weird and wonderful.

Much love,

Jack

I loved this letter, so thorough, so thoughtful. If you’re wanting to join a group, we’ve got the Sexuality class starting on Tuesday…then All About Earning Money–Money, Work, and Business starting Feb. 4th, and Relationships starting at the end of March.

We’ve got a fantastic co-facilitated in-person workshop at the end of June, only 4 months away, on the body. Food, eating, embarrassment, aging, our appearance, aches and pains. All of these are pathways to awareness! Come do The Work!

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

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January 19, 2013

You Should Be Attracted

Yesterday I wrote about the dreaded experience of someone saying “you’re not my type!”

But in our human experience, we also notice great angst when we we think we SHOULD be attracted to someone when we are, in fact, not.

An amazing client working with me in my starting days as a facilitator came to me in excruciating emotional pain. She was leaving her husband of 20 years. She had tried, and tried and tried to feel attracted to him, to no avail.

It can feel like being forced to eat some kind of lousy tasting food when we are not even hungry (although I’ve had this experience, too, but that’s another topic!)

Or like being forced to wear a jacket when we’re already too hot. Suffocating.

That Dictator Voice will come in and demand change of you. Not only should you be attracted, but you should be attracted 85% of the time, if you are in a long-term committed relationship. You should desire physical contact, and you should be grateful and nice.

Your partner is so kind, steady, thoughtful, or such a good provider. Can’t you just FIND IT? COME ON!!

You used to think he was hot, and he still thinks YOU are hot, so this is simply unfair, wrong, and unreasonable. It’s the least you could do.

If the truth is going to hurt someone, then you should keep your mouth shut.

The problem is, the pressure becomes like an underwater boiling lake ready to burst up like geysers through the surface.

The woman I was working with began at some point to simply avoid sitting around at home. She avoided conversation, she avoided confrontation, she got really busy with laundry, tasks, work…she avoided her husband’s anger, sadness, and the terrible guilt.

Years can go by for people in this predicament, where no one actually says anything and no one knows how to make a change.

A simple way to get out (and I know it’s not really simple) is to become interested in someone else. A new attraction.

Another way, is Inquiry.

And heck, you can mix ’em up together if that’s the way of it. The way of Reality is any or all of it, I notice.

What do you notice happening when you do not connect with what is true for you, in this moment, and acknowledge it somehow? What happens when you start putting up with stuff you don’t really like? Or feeling trapped?

the truth will hurt my partner
I should never hurt anyone
if my partner knew my thoughts, she would feel rejected
I should never reject anyone
if my partner knew of my lack of attraction to him, he would be angry
I should never make anyone feel angry
if my partner knew how I’m not that interested, she would be desperately sad
I should never make anyone that sad

You shouldn’t make anyone, ever, feel bad. Bad feelings are terrible. YOU can MAKE someone feel them, if you don’t watch out. They can make you feel bad, too.

IS THAT TRUE?

Hmmm. It seems true. Ever since I was a kid. My dad made me sad, my mom made me angry, my grandparents made me scared, my sisters made me upset.

How do I react when I believe this thought, that other people can make me feel bad, and that I can make other people feel bad?

Very, very careful. Very. Careful. I smile a lot. I’m nice. I laugh when it’s not funny.

Who or What would I be without the thought that anyone can make anyone else feel bad?

Like a tree.

Still on the inside. Looking. Kind of excited. Alive. Buzzing, humming. Free. No matter who is around.

I would hear words coming out of someone, like “I don’t want to talk to you” or “I am crushed by what you’ve just said” and I would have a spark of trust that all is OK anyway. Even if hurt feelings are present.

“In the moment I see you as ugly, I am ugly….It is the moment my mind attacks you. In that moment “ugly” has entered my world. No one can hurt me, that’s my job. In the moment I see you as terrible and unkind, in that moment, my life becomes unkind. It can never, ever be what you say that hurts me, it’s what I think about you that is hurting me.”~Byron Katie

When I think it’s ME who is the hurtful one, and I feel upset…I pause, I breathe, I remember that I can be filled with loving kindness even though I am saying something that is distressing someone else.

In the moment I see you as vulnerable and hurt, I am vulnerable and hurt. In the moment I see you as needing to be protected from the truth, I see how much I want to be protected from the truth.

I turn the thoughts around, that bad feelings can be made and that they are terrible and awful and should always be avoided:

not telling the truth will hurt my partner, not telling the truth will hurt me, telling the truth will heal my partner and heal me
rejection is not terrible, rejection is full of learning, rejection is freeing
anger is love and care with a few rockets attached to it, it’s strong, it fades, we survive it
not being interested is a relief, a message, a joy, not a problem

Living in the turnarounds, I find everything moves and changes, feelings shift and come and go.

Nothing is guaranteed. Attracted, repulsion, towards, away.

Reality changes, reality is never fixed, reality moves.

“Life moves, undulates, breathes in and out, contracting and expanding. This is its nature, the nature of what is. Whatever is, is on the move. Nothing remains the same for very long. The mind wants everything to stop so that it can get its foothold, find its position, so it can figure out how to control life. Through the pursuit of material things, knowledge, ideas, beliefs, opinions, emotional states, spiritual states, and relationships, the mind seeks to find a secure position from which to operate. The mind seeks to nail life down and get it to stop moving and changing.”~Adyashanti

If you find you are NOT attracted anymore to someone, and think you should be, Our Wonderful Sexuality is a wonderful place to be. We look at all angles and aspects of relationship through our past. We start next Tuesday evening 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. Only a few spots left…join us!

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.