Month: January 2013

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How Shocking! He’s Not Attracted To Me!

Wow, I got so many notes and emails from people responding to my Grace Note yesterday on Fearing Desire. WONDERFUL comments!

One of the most interesting things I have noticed, in all the teleclasses I teach but ESPECIALLY in the Sexuality class, is people noticing at some point in the process of inquiring into their thinking is that this is about so much more than sex.

This work is about feeling fear when someone does something, or asks for something, or wants something, or says they need something, especially from YOU…whether that looks like physical contact or not.

This work is about feeling the stress that flows through you when someone says they are attracted to you, or when you are attracted to them…or perhaps when they DON’T like you and they don’t want anything from you.

Human connection and communication, relationships, asking for what you want, responding to others when they ask for what they want…this dynamic shows up in almost every relationship.

It is far beyond the experience of sexuality, but the arena of sexuality is so wonderful, so filled with mood, emotion, arousal, disappointment, pleasure, demand, intrigue, hope…that it is one of the most powerful exchanges to study.

We get to find out what we really, really think we want. We get to see what the moment is like, what we are believing when we are disturbed or uncomfortable.

As Byron Katie suggests, we are looking here at the stressful thoughts, not the relaxing, peaceful ones. Those loving ones we may as well keep. They are kind and gentle.

The tougher, nervy ones go like this:

  • If I move towards that person, I could get hurt
  • If that person moves towards me, I need to run away
  • If I like that person, I will hurt someone else
  • If that person likes me, they are wrong/confused/pushy
  • I have to do something with this feeling of attraction
  • That person (those people) are out of control with their feelings
  • I must get satisfied!
  • When that person does THAT, says THAT, moves that way…it’s freaky
  • I need to be liked, I need people to think I’m attractive

We assume things constantly, with a tiny gesture, with a facial expression. We wonder what it means. We stay quiet and don’t ask, because it’s frightening to think of speaking up. Or we may be boisterous and loud, but still full of assumptions that may not be spot on. We keep secrets.

This expression within sexuality can contain what is uncomfortable in human interaction, and what we’re most afraid of. It’s about how we perceive desire, wanting, emptiness, dischord, anxiety.

When my mind used to be so full of all these kinds of thoughts about what that other person might mean, what I should or shouldn’t be doing or feeling, and believing that what I want, say, or think could be bad…it was paralyzing.

I discovered that I could take one single situation that involved physical touch, attraction, or affection, and see a whole box full of stressful ideas from that one single moment.

Once a man I was on a date with said to me after spending a whole day together, having a great time talking (I thought) “you know, you really aren’t my type.”

It was like a knife went through my gut. I had to control myself from crying (must not show that I’m affected by his words–an additional stressful thought of course).

Oh the agony that one human man on the planet didn’t think I was his type!!!

Now, while I look at that moment as somewhat surprising…..I can say DANG, that was direct and blunt! That was awesome! No guessing where I stood, that’s for sure.

It was an amazing moment in not taking something personally. Although…heh heh. I took it sooooo personally (remember the knife) there was not even a half-second before my reaction.

Boy, the seething viciousness of my own mind later was incredible. All because of someone saying they were not attracted to me.

But I did The Work. I investigated what the heck was happening in that moment, for me. I dove into that terrible blistering moment like my life depended on it.

I turned that thought around…”he should have said that, he should not be attracted to me (if he’s not, I mean…duh), he should tell me the truth straight up, he should not pull any punches, I do not need flattery, I am not rejected, I am still attractive—to myself and to other men”.

I realized that all of those were just as true. I realized all the importance and power I gave those words from his mouth.

I even realized he didn’t necessarily mean them to be hurtful to me! He knew I could handle it!

“Who would you be in people’s presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you’re too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can’t come from anyone else; it can come only from inside you.”~Byron Katie

Every time there is a jolt in me that puts up a shield, or something inside that starts to gather rocks, I know I’ve got attack-mode engaged. Not really that useful or fun.

Who would I be without my story that this whole sexuality business is a sensitive topic, that we have to be careful and delicate, that it’s weird, or private, or personal….or really all that important? What if I gave up moving towards, moving away, and just noticed?

I’d start a teleclass on the topic.

“Ego is the movement of the mind toward objects of perception in the form of grasping, and away from objects in the form of aversion. This fundamentally is all the ego is.”~Adyashanti

The Our Wonderful Sexuality starts on Tuesday 1/22. Join us if you’d like to look at love, attraction, anger, first kiss, your longest-term relationship….and question what happened.

Love, Grace

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Fearing Desire

Sexuality is a pretty sensitive topic, in most cultures. There are delicate nuances to become aware of, from quite young, about what is right or wrong, acceptable, or condemned.

We learn through flashes of conversation, or words, or gestures what people might be doing or not doing. Some of us have more exposure than others. It seems the adults are involved in something that children aren’t quite in tune with yet.

Many of us learn in a more direct manner about the biology and physiology of human sexuality in school, or from books.

The dictionary defines sexuality as the capacity to have responses or feelings that are filled with desire.

And yet so many people grapple with conflict around their own desires or other peoples’ desires.

We think “I don’t WANT to be capable of having desires! I want to STOP all feelings of desire! And while we’re at it….I want those disgusting other people to stop THEIR feelings of desire! Someone could get hurt!”

DESIRE. There is either too much or not enough of it. Plus it’s dangerous to even mention.

We think bad things happen when there is too much desire, like overeating. Like there is a phantom or ghost who wants to eat and eat and doesn’t get satiated. It’s obsessive, over-heated, crazed, powerful.

Bad things happen when there is too little desire, like numbness, lack of feeling, lack of fun, like loss of appetite, carefulness, fear, solitude.

Socrates said, “Life contains but two tragedies. One is not to get your heart’s desire; the other is to get it.” 

This study of desire and attraction grows the awareness of the flashlight beam pointing towards THAT THING OVER THERE. The feelings surrounding it all can be incredibly fascinating when we look, without so much judgment.

The first time I wrote a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on someone with whom I was in a love relationship including physical contact, I edited myself the whole way through. I skipped the specific moments that brought out the most rage because those moments happened in intimate situations.

Then I realized that I had done this, and I wrote it freely, with all my petty, mean, vicious, angry judgments pouring forth. I thought to myself, I will just keep this to myself and do The Work on these thoughts ALL BY MYSELF. I will NEVER get facilitated on this.

But then I heard Byron Katie working with people on moments of physical or sexual contact with other people that were very troubling, and I remembered that when I first read Loving What Is, I almost gasped out loud when reading about a woman who was sexually abused as a child with an adult.

I thought, “Wait….you mean Katie is talking about even looking at THIS when it comes to our relationship with reality? But this IS terrible and horrifying and damaging for life, I could NEVER accept it!”

I wrote down my most foul, caustic, violent thoughts about those terrible abusers that mixed sexuality up with power and fear. I wanted to know the truth, for myself.

One day, I was driving by the strip club that is about a mile from my little cottage. I wrote down my thoughts later on this horrible place, that I hoped my children didn’t notice, even though there is a gigantic pair of women’s legs flashing in neon light 24 hours a day.

Then it occurred to me that I had never actually been inside the place, or any place like it, and I was scared of it. My ideas were all based on movies, hearsay and fear. I was mad at the sign…but what was that about?

A couple of weeks later, I went inside.

I looked, with open eyes, and had a very wide range of thoughts and feelings about all of it. I noted my most stressful thoughts. I had thoughts about the dancers, the men, the people who worked there, the person taking tickets…I mean, everyone there had so many problems!

Wow. I also saw beauty, and I saw that I didn’t really know what was going on.

By doing The Work this experience, I got the opportunity to ask more people about their experiences of attraction, romance, lust, and the differences between all of them. I asked people, if I could find them, why they liked going to such places, what they got out of it. It was so fascinating.

I got to facilitate many people through their beliefs about situations they felt disturbed by in their own lives that were similar.

I went for it and got facilitated by actual people on my own interests, attractions, lust, desires…by questioning awkward moments, scary moments, uncomfortable weird moments with other humans, I have grown beyond any boundaries I ever had around this topic.

To get that everyone is doing the best they can, is truly amazing. To get how fear brings on this huge wall of resistance and pain is such a relief.

I’ve never been interested in returning to the strip club, but I also notice, I’ve never thought the sign shouldn’t be there flashing itself anymore. Right now in this moment as I write, I discover I forgot all about it.

Next week there is still space in the teleclass Our Wonderful Sexuality class starting on Tuesday evenings 1/22 Pacific time (6:30-8:00 pm). If you’ve had the thought that you would never want to expose, or write about, or do the work “publicly” on this topic relating to sexuality or anything like it….this is a super safe, open container for questioning your most painful beliefs about it.

We have eight sessions and eight different exercises designed to help you write about those uncomfortable or disturbing situations that you want to investigate. Then we take the stressful thoughts to inquiry!

“We do not know what is outside the walls of the prison of our mind, because we have never ventured there. While our fear projects what is there, it cannot know. Fear cannot leave the prison because it must always guard its inmates. But, if the self collapses, if the walls come down, is it fear that remains, or is it freedom?” ~ Steven Harrison in Doing Nothing.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

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The Path of Least Resistance Is For Losers

Many of us have heard of the phrase to take or avoid the path of least resistance. I think my father used it when I was quite young, reading it out of a book. He seemed thoughtful about it, and that it was good news.

It sounds easy. It sounds comfortable.

But some people think it’s a dangerous way to live.

H.G. Wells said “the path of least resistance is the path of the loser!”

Henry David Thoreau said “the path of least resistance leads to crooked roads and crooked men.”

GOSH! Those lazy, crooked, lying, LOSERS! I better go for the path with the MOST resistance, to be on the safe side. If it’s too easy, it could be bad news!

The other day I worked with a client on her young adult son who is expressing new defiance towards her in his life.

Often, people will say “if I do The Work, if I question all my beliefs…I’ll just accept and love everything and lie down on the floor like a bump and express nothing, do nothing, offer nothing, resist nothing.”

Truly allowing what is? NEVER! I need to resist, I need to push, I need to force, I need to BAM-POW-WHAM like Batman!

In physics, the path of least resistance is a natural phenomena. It’s the law, actually. Water always takes this path. All objects take the easiest path when they move through a system.

I love the martial arts directive “mind like water”. It’s written on my car steering wheel.

I notice thoughts appear. Thoughts within us rise. Here they are. You can’t stop them. They have energy. You can’t stop “thinking”.

I figure The Work, or the capacity to slow down and be with something and not know precisely and with hell-bent opinion that it’s true, is like the hill, the landscape, the way of it.

Yes, the thinking starts to run in grooves when you repeat them over and over and over again, starting at a very early age perhaps. The grooves, when unquestioned, can become as big as the Grand Canyon.

At the bottom of the Grand Canyon, you might have thoughts like:

  • it will take years to get out of here
  • I made a mistake
  • this sucks
  • this is hopeless, boring, frustrating, agonizing
  • I should have been questioning my thinking before this, then I wouldn’t be HERE
  • I should have resisted more
  • I didn’t resist, and now I’m a loser

Is this actually true? Can you know there is no next step, nothing now, and now, and change, and now?

Can we know that if we don’t resist something or someone, like our defiant son, that he will be lost, ruined, at the bottom of the canyon too?

Can we really know that the path of MOST resistance is the best path, the winner path, the successful path?

The mind loves to warn you about the bad stuff and bad people that could start appearing, have you noticed?

Who would you be without the thought that right now, in this moment, it will take years to get out of here, to change, that you made a mistake, that this sucks and is frustrating, that you should have gotten this earlier, you should have been more resistant, that you shouldn’t be here now?

Free. Excited. Joyful!

I might even do a little dance, I might jump for joy, I might feel like running up a hill! I might notice something new. I might have a wild, creative idea.

I might hug that defiant child of mine and tell him how amazing he is! I might ask him for more of his opinions, to tell me EVERYTHING he’s thinking about me.

Without resistance.

You might scan the landscape of your life with new eyes:

  • it will take less than a second to get out of here, it will certainly not take years
  • I did not make a mistake
  • this is exciting, awesome, fun, fascinating, an interesting predicament
  • I am here at just the right moment, just the right time
  • I should have resisted less
  • I didn’t resist, and now I’m a winner

“Whoever relies on the Tao in governing men doesn’t try to force issues or defeat enemies by force of arms. For every force there is a counterforce. Violence, even well intentioned, always rebounds upon oneself. The Master does his job and then stops. He understands that the universe is forever out of control, and that trying to dominate events goes against the current of the Tao. Because he believes in himself, he doesn’t try to convince others. Because he is content with himself, he doesn’t need others’ approval. Because he accepts himself, the whole world accepts him.”~ Tao Te Ching # 30

Feeling the need to force myself, to resist something, to resist someone else, I notice I am not believing in myself. I am not believing in the other.

I do not lie down, in my acceptance, for that would not really be fun, or easy.

I notice the path of least resistance is relaxing, waiting, sweet, non-violent, open, courageous, willing, peaceful. I notice the path of least resistance is full of love, like a little kid running towards its mom or dad.

I notice the path of least resistance accepts that the universe is out of control….like thinking.

Love, Grace

P.S. Last call, a spot left for Friday’s teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food, Noon – 1:30 Pacific time. Click below to register or send email with questions to grace@workwithgrace.com.

My Relationship With Food Changed After Your Class

“Dear Grace, I wanted to tell you that after I took your class for two months, I have never had the same difficult relationship with food again. That is a miracle. It’s been six months now, and I still can hardly believe it. I am simply not worried any more about my food, and this changed everything. I recommend it to anyone I know with eating troubles.”~EK Horrible Food Wonderful Food class participant

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

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I Wish That Person Was Happy

Wow, there is nothing like doing The Work with a kind, interested, curious group of inquirers for hours together during a weekend.

I absolutely loved the group that assembled these past two days in Seattle.

I noticed a little mosquito-sized thought entering my mind by the end of the second day: I want everyone to find relief, inspiration, happiness, or hope during this weekend.

I want them to have an AH-HA moment! I want them to be AMAZED by their own power to ask themselves if what they are believing is true! I want them to be EXCITED! I want them to be CHANGED after this weekend and go off into the sunset Renewed!

Good lord. Have you ever wanted someone close to you to be happy? It just seems like such a benign little thought, such a good-hearted little happy positive thought, such a nice thought.

Wait….what? Did you say co-dependent? That I might be over there in Other Peoples’ Business?

Ooopsie Daisy! Heh Heh.

It is actually quite stressful to wish that someone else is happy, or “gets” something, or feels better.

And it is entirely hopeless.

This past weekend was for me, no one else. It was a practice in being of service, which is incredibly powerful and joyful. It was a practice in being honest, authentic, real, open.

This past weekend was my practice at telling the truth of my story, and the truth of how it changed, knowing that for some people, it seems to be very inspiring to learn about.

I happen to be a human being that once was insane around food.

I could not be in the presence of food without becoming afraid, angry, or condemned. I hated vegetables because they were the only thing I was supposed to be eating without guilt. I hated sugary sweet things because to even imagine eating them meant I was a terrible, greedy, disgusting person.

How incredible to have FOOD, a thing which we apparently need to live in these bodies, be something of such danger. I could slip at any minute into the You Are Bad category. Or be pure in the You Are Good category based on what I chose to eat.

I feel so grateful not to be there anymore. To see all food with equal joy and gratitude. All food as my friend, whether chocolate chips or broccoli.

But how did I get here? It seems like a long and winding road. Learning just a little bit more all the time. Sometimes learning something big, that felt like a leap forward.

I wish I could give it to the people who suffer around food. But everyone seems to have their own path, their own journey.

Now, my work is to allow those people who are suffering to be as they are.

So I want that person or those people to feel better, to feel relief, inspiration, joy, hope, excitement, change or peace….is that absolutely 100% true?

YES!!

Who in your life do you wish would feel better?

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Fretful, hand-wringing, I keep thinking about them, images of them come to mind, I worry. I call them up, I send them emails, I think of ways they could find relief, I offer suggestions.

I might clench my jaws, I might feel concern, and spend time thinking about them. Their image keeps coming into my mind like a broken movie clip flashing over and over. It’s rather mad.

Eeewwww. Yuck. It is not that fun to be in other peoples’ business this way.

Who would you be without the thought that someone else, or a whole group of other people, should feel better than they do?

“Thinking that people are supposed to do or be anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.”~Byron Katie

Without the thought that anyone should learn, get, or find anything, in my presence or out of my presence, I am so mysteriously open. I am shaking my head in the strangeness and beauty of them all. I am fascinated by whatever state I see anyone in. I am trusting.

I am allowing everything to be as it is. I am letting go.

“You just act sometimes as if you’re God, as if you need to make things happen. I noticed that things happen with or without me, people approve of me or they don’t. It has nothing to do with me. This is really good news, since it leaves me responsible for my own happiness. It leaves me to do nothing but live my life as kindly and intelligently as I can. If you don’t notice and aren’t grateful, I understand. It’s only me I’m dealing with, and that is enough for a lifetime.”~Byron Katie

The turnarounds are actually truer than my original beliefs about other people. In fact, they are the only true beliefs…and maybe not even those, actually:

I want ME to have an AH-HA moment! I want ME to be AMAZED by my own power to ask myself if what I am believing is true! I want me to be EXCITED! I want me to be CHANGED after this weekend and go off into the sunset Renewed!

Done.

Love, Grace

P.S. Last call, a spot left for Friday’s teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food, Noon – 1:30 Pacific time. Click below to register or send email with questions to grace@workwithgrace.com.

My Relationship With Food Changed After Your Class

“Dear Grace, I wanted to tell you that after I took your class for two months, I have never had the same difficult relationship with food again. That is a miracle. It’s been six months now, and I still can hardly believe it. I am simply not worried any more about my food, and this changed everything. I recommend it to anyone I know with eating troubles.”~EK Horrible Food Wonderful Food class participant

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Fridays, January 18 – March 15, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks. No class 2/22.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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Welcoming and Entertaining Pain, Sickness and Death

I don’t always email on Sundays, but I know many of you have been waiting very patiently for the new tele course Pain, Sickness and Death… 

Yes, you read that correctly, if this is new to you. This will be looking in depth at some of our greatest, most frightening, terrified observations and thoughts about being here on this planet.

Our relationship to death, dying, disease, and pain of any form.

If you are interested and have hopes that the class is offered in a certain time zone that works for you, let me know. Since I live in Pacific time, it’ll have to be during my waking hours.

I have to admit, part of me is solidly and defiantly interested in NOT thinking about pain, sickness or death.

Gosh..can’t we just look at the fun parts of life? I mean, do I HAVE to look in-depth at death, trauma, accidents, cancer, pain, losing people, wars, destruction? JEEZ.

I’d rather go to the beach.

In fact, I’ve spent a fair amount of time kicking and screaming and doing everything possible (eat, drink, smoke, distract) to NOT look at these subjects.

But what I notice, and I bet you do too, is that most of us are very, very interested in these topics. And actually, making peace with them, even just a little, is astonishing in how it makes life look more beautiful somehow.

Everyone has had contact with death, sudden change, or pain. Nobody escapes it.

In the past year I have done the work several times on a terrible and intense stomach pain I occasionally experience. I have gone to the doctor to have it checked and had the colonoscopy (I had some beliefs about that all by itself).

It’s a pain that has come and gone for about 10 years, sometimes being so strong in the beginning that I was doubled over and writhing, not able to walk, and breaking out in a sweat.

Over time, I actually one day when having this pain had the thought “is this true?” in the middle of the wave of experiencing it. How odd to even remember the question. It just came into my mind!

And then the thought “I can’t relax, this is horrible”. And seeing that maybe that was not true either. Could I actually relax in the middle of this pain?

I could. Weird. Hard to describe. And then it vanished.

It has come back since then, and I feel open to it. Like “oh…here YOU are, whatever you are, hows it going?”

This feels very different, certainly a completely unusual way of feeling the sensation of pain than I ever felt before. The feeling was still there, but I also thought I was OK at the very same time.

“This being human is a guest house, every morning a new arrival. A joy, a depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor. Welcome and entertain them all! Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably. He may be clearing you out for some new delight. The dark thought, the shame, the malice, meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in. Be grateful for whoever comes, becasue each has been sent as a guide form beyond.”~Rumi The Guest House

The Work is about welcoming and entertaining them ALL. When the monsters and sorrows and physical agony are allowed here…who knows what can happen.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy. Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Fridays, January 18 – March 15, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks. No class 2/22.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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I Won’t Change Unless I Loathe Myself

This week I’ve talked with three wonderful people of very different ages and walks of life, all of whom wanted to do a session around their food, eating and body image troubles.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve had one year of unhappy eating, or a lifetime of unhappy eating…it’s painful, and that word “painful” doesn’t really sum it up.

I remember my battle with food. It was violent, crushing, despairing. I wanted to kill myself rather than live with such agony about what was “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad” about food.

One angel that I found to help me was author Geneen Roth. She had experienced similar violence and despair in this basic necessity of life: eating. She had been an 80 pound anorexic and a very heavy compulsive over-eater.

To the “normal” eater, being compulsive about food and eating can look extremely strange. Heck, it even looks strange to those of us with so-called abnormal relationships with food.

One of my favorite beliefs to question, way back when I first read Geneen’s book on recovering from emotional eating in the 1980s, was that I needed to control what I ate.

She wrote that if she continued to believe that she needed to control her weight, control her eating, control the content of her food…that she would, in fact, kill herself.

She said “Give up dieting. Period.”

I knew what she was saying was right for me. Because I hated with a passion all the diets anyway. I hated the fear and anxiety, the hunger, the attempt at perfection, and I hated weighing myself. I hated caring so much about what I weighed.

I knew that being thin did not offer happiness. I held onto that for a couple of years, almost anorexic, running cross-country competitively in college (briefly). I KNEW that forcing or controlling the food I ate was not joy. Over-eating was not joy, under-eating was not joy.

Recently I was remembering with a very good friend a time within the last decade when I threw myself more passionately into exercise, dance, biking, moving. My clothes got loose. I got compliments from people.

It was a kind of giddy, changing time. Divorce, rapid change, awareness, opening mind. I could eat snacks all day long and never cook and do whatever I wanted. I got extra light and airy.

But anything out of balance does not last. That body was not perfectly at peace at that time. It didn’t breathe deeply. And the energy shifted and slowly my clothes fit just right again. Who knows what the weight difference was, I don’t really know.

This kind of freedom to be whatever I am in the moment was unheard of in my past. Oh no. Always Something Wrong. Always Something To Improve. Always Thinner Is Better.

But I got a little whiff of freedom when reading Geneen Roth so many years ago. I knew this whole entire eating business was deeper than I thought.

I knew I could question “there is something WRONG with me” because I go on these frantic binges.

With a binge, I would believe: I loathe myself, I am worthless, I am immature, I am ridiculous, I am sick, I am pointless, I’m a freak.

I imagined that if I really believed I was OK, then I would keep binge-eating like a maniac out of control forever. All that self-hate was necessary for me to CHANGE.

If I didn’t hate myself, I wouldn’t even TRY to change, right?

Love myself? Impossible!

“Not wanting to change what is becomes a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom. There is such joy in that, such peace, and it’s a story that can’t be told.”~Byron Katie

Can you imagine NOT wanting to change anything about food? Just let it be there?

Can you imagine closing your eyes and asking yourself, as if you are a little beautiful gorgeous precious being, if you are hungry or not, and exactly what you feel like eating?

Can you imagine waiting, taking a deep breath, slowing everything down, and giving up the idea that you better control yourself, or else?

Can you imagine not being surrounded by rules about food, or thinness, or fatness, and just seeing what is actually true for you only?

“The infinite is not somewhere else waiting for us to become worthy”. ~Tony Parsons

If you want to come explore your beliefs that you’ve repeated to yourself about foods, eating, your weight, thinness, and fatness, hunger and fullness….then join the teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food that starts next Friday Jan. 18th at noon Pacific time. 8 weeks (no class 2/22).

I Haven’t Enjoyed A Meal For Twenty Years, Until Now:  Dear Grace, I had nice Thai food yesterday and caught myself thinking afterwards: I REALLY enjoyed this meal. Nothing more, nothing less. I can’t recall any time in the past 20 years when I had a thought like that. Thank you.~LP, teleclass participant 

Opening Up By Looking At Food:  So grateful for this whole process…the group…other people’s stories, friends, experiences, learning, so curious, relieved as I see food/eating opening up before my very eyes…~JB teleclass participant 

Love, Grace

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Money Is None Of Your Business

Last May after writing these Grace Notes for about 6 months, I received a paypal donation of $10. A month later someone sent $100. A couple months after that I got $25 and then another $10. And then $100 again.

Now that is a weird thing, when your beliefs about money and how you get it is supposed to be hard work, and you’re supposed to be selling something or doing something that feels work-ish.

When it first happened, I thought “what is this? is there some mistake?”

This person out in the world who had sent me that first $10 also sent me an email saying she was tithing to what supports her in her personal inner journey. And that would be these posts.

You mean, just by being myself and having this practice of writing…which actually feels like it’s for me, people express their appreciation by sending money?

Holy Moly. I was so moved. And I saw with more clarity some of my own assumptions about money, because receiving these donations turned some of my beliefs upside down.

This is what I thought before:

  • People pay you if you work very hard and give them a lot of energy, relief, attention, or time
  • You have to push, drive, be disciplined to make money
  • Money is NOT easy to get
  • I have to hide my true feelings if I’m going to get paid
  • The harder I work and the more time I work, the more money I will get
  • If I am enjoying myself or doing what I would do right now anyway, for fun, then it’s weird to get paid for it
  • If I wasn’t getting paid for something, I wouldn’t do it
  • If I had all the money in the world that I needed, I would do NOTHING and I would be FREE to go the SPA

Really?

One of the most fascinating insights I ever had around money was when I did The Work with Katie on those rich people out there. Those greedy, jet-ski-using consumers who cared about nothing but themselves and their money!

Those people who went to fancy restaurants, spas, tropical islands, and who drove big ridiculous cars.

I think someone called them the 1%. Like they are Someone Different, in a different category, living in a different world, than me.

Mother Teresa was OK, because she was putting all her millions towards suffering people, but that guy who bought himself a 2 hour massage, a Four Seasons Buffet lunch, and a fancy suit from Nordstroms…now THAT guy was a selfish, greedy prick.

When you have all these rules about what is good or bad or selfish or generous about money, then you have to be so careful all the time. You have to watch out for your own inner greedy self that wants to win the lottery and go to the spa.

Who would I be without the thought that if I had a lot of money I would turn into the hoarding, sneaking-to-the-spa rich person who offered nothing of value to the world?

I mean really….it’s like my evaluation of human nature (when having these thoughts of money), including my own, is that everyone would prefer to have fun and do nothing and never exchange energy for money in the form of “work”.

Is it true? Can I absolutely KNOW that this is TRUE?

No. I see tons of people with great amounts of money flowing through their hands who are very involved and interested in giving, changing, making a difference, creating.

No. I notice that I myself don’t really like to sit around. I like writing and creating. I love teaching. I love working with people. I’ve done it a lot for free. I’ve PAID for workshops myself!

What if the turnarounds are just as true or truer?

  • Money is easy to get, it is easy to receive, it just shows up, like air
  • People pay me if I work very easy and give myself a lot of energy, relief, attention and time
  • I have to relax, wait, and be undisciplined to make money–I have to allow my wild, chaotic, creative self to come forward and play
  • I have to expose my true feelings to get paid
  • The easier I play and the more time I play, the more money I will get
  • If I am enjoying myself and doing what I would do for fun, why not get paid for it
  • I do many things all day, every day, which don’t involved getting paid for it but I do it anyway….do I really have to get paid to do something?
  • Have you ever been in a spa all day? It gets boring. I would want to do more, very soon, beyond this.

I found out, too, that when I had only $10 left in my bank account, and a mortgage due, and a first late payment which is the first step on the road to foreclosure, and not enough money to get gas to drive my car somewhere….I was still breathing and thinking and warm, and comfortable.

Who would you be without the thought that you are greedy or that going to the spa is a waste of resources, or that luxury is not cool?

What if even all this was not true? What if money was not my business? What if I didn’t believe the thought that there is not enough money somewhere?

Free to find out who I really am. Free to relax. Free to have or not have and enjoy both states and question what fears present themselves.

“Abundance has nothing to do with money.  Money is not your business; truth is your business.  I am not going to get wealth on the other side of the truth; I am going to get something much more important than that, something so powerful that everything else looks like nothing.  But as long as I think it should look like money, I am cheating myself.”~Byron Katie 

How is it the most fun ever, the most wonderful, the most interesting, the most perfect that you have exactly as much money as you have….and those other people have the amount of money they apparently have?

Who would you be without your story of money?

Someone who is sent money by strangers, out of the “blue”.

Love, Grace

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
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MUST Get It Done To Succeed

Uh oh. I woke up the other day thinking I HAD to get something done that supported a new program I want to offer in this business.

It’s like a fiery feeling in the gut….determined, tight fists, almost angry. This WILL happen. I MUST not fail. I WILL get that finished. I was BORN to OFFER this.

Dang, that voice just will not let up sometimes! It begins to drown out other voices when I feel a bit fearful that the thing I need or want to accomplish is urgent, that there is danger in NOT accomplishing. The greater the fear, the louder the voice.

I MUST CREATE THIS, AND MAKE IT SUCCESSFUL. In some circumstances, this could be an exciting thought, but sometimes for me, it is stressful.

So I take it to inquiry, thank goodness.

My situation is not uncommon. I am a small business owner, so I’m the boss. It’s my responsibility (so it seems) to bring in the money. I cannot believe how much I love what I do, in the actual moment interacting with a person or a group, but the thinking about putting it together feels stressful.

The calendar, the scheduling, the promotion, the announcements. SO ANNOYING.

At the recent Cleanse event, where Byron Katie worked with so many people questioning their thoughts, someone did The Work on business.

She was angry with the head of her company. He was so pushy, he went so fast, he didn’t listen, she felt slighted. “He is making the company grow too fast!” 

Jeez, I sure would like to have the stressful belief that my little miniscule one-man-show company is growing too fast! I’ll NEVER have THAT thought.

I’m almost embarrassed to even write about my “company” which has this focus on offering inquiry to whomever wants it. I have thoughts like “people should get this for free” and“making money isn’t spiritual” and “other people are doing it better than me”.

I mean, my penchant for the life of noble poverty, or thinking in that particular way, is very strong. The life of the monk sounds fine to me, much of the time.

But I am also interested in freedom.

I notice that money seems to be a means of exchange here on planet earth. I use it to enroll my child in a special school. I use it to buy food. I use it to fix my leaking roof, to buy the computer I write on, to drive a car, to learn from others, to attend the Byron Katie workshop.

This all might seem ridiculously obvious, but it has been amazing and wonderful to question whether or not I actually need money for all those things. I don’t, really.

But trying to get something faster than it is being gotten is *very* stressful in a subtle, little pinchey way. Like a little pin being stuck in my rib cage while I’m trying to run fast.

OW!

Is it really true that I have to get it done? That I have to move faster? That I need to work-work-work!? I notice that this is when I think I need some coffee. All by myself is not enough.

Not enough time, energy, skill, focus. I must push harder. Faster. Bigger.

Really?

Who would I be without the thought that every waking moment must be devoted to production and promotion, unless I’m taking a shower or at the gym?

I might get to breath for a moment. I might feel the emptiness all around me, and notice the beauty of This Here Now.

What is it I really want to GET if I do all the stuff on my list, anyway? What would I have, if I had all that success? If I had that project finished? If I had that outline completed? If I had more money?

Relaxation?

Byron Katie says, skip the middle man and relax right now. Skip the money and notice what is secure here. Skip the project being “done” and enjoy the incredible creativity that springs forth right now, in fits and starts, on its own timeline.

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way.”~Tao Te Ching #59

Without the thought that I need to DO something, faster, bigger, better….I am relaxing. I am smiling. I am resting. I am not interested in coffee. I do not push. I do not pull.

I am what I was looking for in the first place. Happy.

Much love, Grace

P.S. New teleclass times below!

Learn About Teleclasses Here

Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, February 4-April 1, 2013, 7:30 – 9:00 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class March 4th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 22 – March 12, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. OR Fridays, January 25 – March 22, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, March 29-May 17, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
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Emergency! I Have A Big Feeling!

One of my experiences when I first encountered The Work was that I knew I felt bad in certain situations but I had no reference for what I was thinking. I had no thoughts! I just FELT TERRIBLE!!

The way I felt fairly often was….VERY uncomfortable: anxious, nervous, nauseated, angry, pessimistic, furious, desperate, sad, choked up, depressed.

When I felt that way, I noticed that I wanted to eat, smoke, or drink either alcohol or coffee, depending on the feeling. Or all of those at once.

I really wanted to change the feeling, I wanted to GET OUT of that terrible feeling, ASAP!

One thing that really helps when you feel panicked or very angry, any strong emotion, is to question the belief “I have to do something about this feeling”.

You have to do something….is that true?

DAMN RIGHT IT’S TRUE, I AM NOT PUTTIN’ UP WITH THIS!

It would feel like an emergency, like a big feeling-cloud coming over me, taking over.

Help! Quick! Something or someone come to the rescue! Where’s the mind-altering substance or experience that can distract and switch this feeling!? EMERGENCY!

But can you absolutely know that your Big Feeling is really something you have to do something with? Are you sure? What if you just waited, watched, and did NOT do anything?

I found out I was SAFE having a big feeling. It sounds kind of funny now, right? OMG! Horror movie! Anything but have a BIG FEELING!!

But that is really what I believed. I expected myself to be steady, have small, manageable feelings at all times. No fast heart beating, no crying, no despair, no rage.

Funny, but once I discovered it was safe to have a Big Terrible Feeling then I could much more easily become aware of what I was thinking.

Who would you be without the thought that feeling bad IS bad…and that you will keep feeling that way unless you DO something?

Things will slow down. Empty space will be a possibility. Waiting will be interesting.

In just a wee tad of willingness to stay with the feeling, the thoughts appear, and I can write them down.

I am angry because….I am frightened because…I am upset because….

Now we’re talkin! Feeling and Thinking are mixing it up, communicating with each other.

Close your eyes and wait 10 seconds before moving towards relieving your feeling. Write 3 sentences down about what is upsetting you. Ask yourself if you are SAFE right now, in this moment? I always notice that I am.

“…feelings like disappointment, embarrassment, irritation, resentment, anger, jealousy, and fear, instead of being bad news, are actually very clear moments that teach us where it is that we’re holding back. They teach us to perk up and lean in when we feel we’d rather collapse and back away. They’re like messengers that show us, with terrifying clarity, exactly where we’re stuck. This very moment is the perfect teacher, and, lucky for us, it’s with us wherever we are.”  

This seems like a small thing. This seems like a very little thing to do. But it is not.

Taking one extra second before running away, squishing, destroying, or changing your feeling may change the course of your entire day, your entire week…your entire life.

You may not want to eat anything, or smoke, or drink coffee or alcohol, or do that other thing or take a drug or go on auto-pilot the way you often do. You may notice just a little something different inside, an openness to be with exactly what is, in that moment. All your reactions. All your feelings.

It is not a small thing to notice that you don’t want to do self-destructive or compulsive behavior anymore.

“Everything supports you whether or not you even notice it, whether or not you think about it or understand it, whether you love it or hate it, whether you’re happy or sad, asleep or awake, motivated or unmotivated.”~Byron Katie

Even Big Feelings support you. They are part of reality.

If you want the last spot open for this coming Saturday/Sunday workshop Horrible Food Wonderful Food then email me right away. We come together to look at feelings and what they are expressing, and get to the thoughts that we believe that produce them.

By questioning our painful thoughts…we may no longer feel like over-eating or obsessing about food, weight and diet. How amazing is that!

Much love, Grace

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I Am Trapped, Stuck, and There’s No Way Out

When my first significant primary relationship and marriage ended seven years ago, I was really lost and unhappy, abandoned and terrified.

I had so many painful thoughts it was like they came in waves and I could barely keep my head above water….really almost drowning in the thoughts and feelings.

Rage, terror, desperation, anxiety, sleeplessness.

I worked those thoughts using The Work on a daily basis. I got people to facilitate me. I remember spending an entire day with back-to-back facilitation on thoughts like “I can’t make it on my own” and “I will fail” and “he abandoned me”.

A couple of years ago, in my current and amazingly peaceful relationship, my blessed partner suggested we might get married.

OH NO. Not that again. Never! Ever! Ever! I will NEVER subject myself to such ridiculous shenanigans as “commitment” or “marriage” or “promises” that no one can actually ever keep!

Now that I was safely away from danger, and was earning money and almost done paying off my debt, and saved my house from foreclosure, and had many an adventure in dating…I wanted to do nothing that involved even the possibility of dependency or relying on another person.

It was like I had moved from the dark basement to the daylight first floor, and I wanted to keep all options open and make sure I had NO expectations for the future.

I never wanted to live in the basement again!

But of course I recognized that I was having a bit of a strong reaction. Heh heh.

I also noticed that this interesting companion of mine had moved into my house with me and I had said “yes” to this configuration of life. And I hadn’t noticed any problem, imposition, or irritation.

Such a niggling sense of worry about this, though…..I could be trapped! I could be stuck! I could get myself into a situation where I can’t get out without hurting him or other people!

What I found is that just the POSSIBILITY of being “stuck” was the only fear. Many of us have this when considering parts of our lives.

  • I have to work
  • I must clean my house
  • I can’t change my mind
  • It will always be this way
  • I am trapped in this life
  • I can never be intimate with anyone else
  • I can’t really be free

The mind is such a drama queen. So extreme!

Images will spring forth instantly of this terrible, imprisoned, trapped, bounded life where we are stuck with that boss, these kids, this house, that partner, this body, this problem *F-O-R-E-V-E-R*!

Enter Inquiry.

This situation is hopeless, I am stuck, I am trapped, I’m getting cornered, there’s nothing I can do, there’s no way out….is it true?

First of all, I can tell that any of these Prisoner Thoughts are Not True, because I feel stress when I think them.

“Suffering occurs when you believe in a thought that is at odds with what is, what was, or what may be….Suffering is how Life tells you that you are resisting or misperceiving what is real and true.”~Adyashanti

And the ultimate fun is realizing the Great Turnarounds to these thoughts that I am in a concentration camp of some kind with a dictator “universe” in which I am stuck:

  • I do not have to work, I may choose to work and find its really fun
  • I don’t have to clean anything, I might enjoy it though
  • I can change my mind at any second (I love that my husband says that this is what he would most want for me and for him)
  • It will never stay the same
  • I can be completely free in this amazing playground world
  • I can be intimate in many ways with many people, every day
  • I am totally free to say Yes or say No, to make commitments

I can jump off the roof if I want, so that I can fly for 3 seconds, but I will hit the ground after that. I see what happens clearly. If I don’t want to hit the ground, I won’t jump unless I use a parachute.

Something’s going on around here and I can have fun learning all the “rules”. Which is different than complaining about the rules.

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects….She lets all things come because here they come anyway; it’s not as if she had a choice. She lets all things go because there they go, with or without her consent.”~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy

Who knows what exciting thing will happen today in this vibrant, changeable world…with my health, my job, my housecleaning, my child, my bank account!

Free mind, free world.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you are interested in understanding some of your deepest “complaints” about being STUCK about one person in your life, or about sexuality and physical contact with other(s) in your life, then join us for either Our Wonderful Sexuality on Tuesdays from 6:30-8:00 pm Pacific time, or Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven on Fridays from 8:00-9:30 am Pacific time. Go to the website to read about the classes in more depth and explore what’s right for you. We have so much fun in class!!

Learn About Teleclasses Here