When my first significant primary relationship and marriage ended seven years ago, I was really lost and unhappy, abandoned and terrified.
I had so many painful thoughts it was like they came in waves and I could barely keep my head above water….really almost drowning in the thoughts and feelings.
Rage, terror, desperation, anxiety, sleeplessness.
I worked those thoughts using The Work on a daily basis. I got people to facilitate me. I remember spending an entire day with back-to-back facilitation on thoughts like “I can’t make it on my own” and “I will fail” and “he abandoned me”.
A couple of years ago, in my current and amazingly peaceful relationship, my blessed partner suggested we might get married.
OH NO. Not that again. Never! Ever! Ever! I will NEVER subject myself to such ridiculous shenanigans as “commitment” or “marriage” or “promises” that no one can actually ever keep!
Now that I was safely away from danger, and was earning money and almost done paying off my debt, and saved my house from foreclosure, and had many an adventure in dating…I wanted to do nothing that involved even the possibility of dependency or relying on another person.
It was like I had moved from the dark basement to the daylight first floor, and I wanted to keep all options open and make sure I had NO expectations for the future.
I never wanted to live in the basement again!
But of course I recognized that I was having a bit of a strong reaction. Heh heh.
I also noticed that this interesting companion of mine had moved into my house with me and I had said “yes” to this configuration of life. And I hadn’t noticed any problem, imposition, or irritation.
Such a niggling sense of worry about this, though…..I could be trapped! I could be stuck! I could get myself into a situation where I can’t get out without hurting him or other people!
What I found is that just the POSSIBILITY of being “stuck” was the only fear. Many of us have this when considering parts of our lives.
- I have to work
- I must clean my house
- I can’t change my mind
- It will always be this way
- I am trapped in this life
- I can never be intimate with anyone else
- I can’t really be free
The mind is such a drama queen. So extreme!
Images will spring forth instantly of this terrible, imprisoned, trapped, bounded life where we are stuck with that boss, these kids, this house, that partner, this body, this problem *F-O-R-E-V-E-R*!
Enter Inquiry.
This situation is hopeless, I am stuck, I am trapped, I’m getting cornered, there’s nothing I can do, there’s no way out….is it true?
First of all, I can tell that any of these Prisoner Thoughts are Not True, because I feel stress when I think them.
“Suffering occurs when you believe in a thought that is at odds with what is, what was, or what may be….Suffering is how Life tells you that you are resisting or misperceiving what is real and true.”~Adyashanti
And the ultimate fun is realizing the Great Turnarounds to these thoughts that I am in a concentration camp of some kind with a dictator “universe” in which I am stuck:
- I do not have to work, I may choose to work and find its really fun
- I don’t have to clean anything, I might enjoy it though
- I can change my mind at any second (I love that my husband says that this is what he would most want for me and for him)
- It will never stay the same
- I can be completely free in this amazing playground world
- I can be intimate in many ways with many people, every day
- I am totally free to say Yes or say No, to make commitments
I can jump off the roof if I want, so that I can fly for 3 seconds, but I will hit the ground after that. I see what happens clearly. If I don’t want to hit the ground, I won’t jump unless I use a parachute.
Something’s going on around here and I can have fun learning all the “rules”. Which is different than complaining about the rules.
“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects….She lets all things come because here they come anyway; it’s not as if she had a choice. She lets all things go because there they go, with or without her consent.”~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy
Who knows what exciting thing will happen today in this vibrant, changeable world…with my health, my job, my housecleaning, my child, my bank account!
Free mind, free world.
Much love, Grace
P.S. If you are interested in understanding some of your deepest “complaints” about being STUCK about one person in your life, or about sexuality and physical contact with other(s) in your life, then join us for either Our Wonderful Sexuality on Tuesdays from 6:30-8:00 pm Pacific time, or Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven on Fridays from 8:00-9:30 am Pacific time. Go to the website to read about the classes in more depth and explore what’s right for you. We have so much fun in class!!