Last night a talented, hilarious and kind group of good friends gathered to celebrate a birthday.
At the risk of revealing how North American west-coast touchy-feely we all were…we had what is called an Appreciation Circle.
But really, in all countries and cultures, people give toasts, make speeches, write prose, and express appreciation or gratitude through spoken or written word all the time.
We love true, genuine, authentic, moving words. We love to see and be seen, in truth.
This can also be REALLY SCARY if you’re not used to it.
I used to be so shy and introverted, I remained very quiet if the group gathered grew beyond about 4 people. Just one was best for me.
The thoughts I had when I was so shy still come forward, but I hardly believe them for one second anymore because experiencing the honest connection, experiencing what happens, is sooooo rewarding.
- I have nothing meaningful to say
- People will think I’m stupid
- I don’t speak well enough, eloquently enough
- I’m not funny (and I need to be!)
- If everyone is looking at me, I risk being judged
- If I remain quiet, no one can hurt me
- I need to hide my judgments, they are too mean
I still notice that with all attention turned on me, my heart may pound and my arms might shake. My body is reacting to these old thoughts….EMERGENCY! Don’t let anyone see or hear you! They might judge you!
Is it actually true that they might judge me? Yes. Almost certainly. They will be looking AT ME and listening to what I say. Their mind will kick in and start making assessments. They really might not like what they hear or see.
But! It is BAD if they don’t like it…..is THAT actually true?
Good question. In my shy days I thought OF COURSE it’s bad! I want other people to think what I am expressing is fabulous!
I want people to like me!
Have you noticed how being in other peoples’ heads is seriously burdensome? It tends to dampen, suppress and squelch any possibility of spontaneous expression.
In my mid-twenties, when I began to become VERY, VERY interested in honest talk, in being authentic, I joined a therapy group.
Three months into the group, I had hardly said a word, even though we met every single week for 3 hours. I believed with a vengeance that if the other people didn’t like what I had to say…it was bad.
I had never questioned that thought.
After being there week after week for those months, one of the therapists said “I’d like to speak to Grace today with everyone listening in an all-group discussion”. GULP.
Adrenaline shot through my veins.
With the whole group listening, this honest and wonderful therapist said to me: “when you are quiet, do you realize how much control and distance you have? No one knows what you think about anything….so they have to guess. No one knows what you’re interested in, what bothers you, what pleases you, what angers you. You don’t share yourself, and you maintain a separate, powerful space by keeping to yourself. You are being very controlling. And we want to know the REAL YOU.”
I wanted to vomit. With fear.
But that was the best thing that could have happened to me, the best thing anyone had ever said to me so far in life. I started talking. I started telling the truth.
My heart’s greatest desire was to express myself.
Everyone’s greatest desire is to express, however that looks. It’s life, living itself, being itself.
Walking around, living life, thinking “I need to hold myself this way, talk that way, look this way, think that way” is like being in a straight-jacket.
Questioning all thoughts that what other people think of you is freedom. This does not mean I will now blast all my mean judgments out towards others…that is not freedom either. It’s the flip side of the same coin.
I look at whatever would keep me from expressing truth in a very real, simple way.
Even with the quietest little voice, speaking what you feel out loud, or writing it down and giving it to someone else, is so appealing, so much fun.
What is one thing you would like to say or express today, that you’ve been holding back?
They will think badly of you, or they will be inspired by you, if you say it, sing it, write it….
Who would you be without the belief that what they think matters?
Revolutionary. Spontaneous. Speaking and not speaking at just the right time and space, for you. Kind. Loving. Real.
“One must be willing to stand alone–in the unknown, with no reference to the known or the past or any of one’s conditioning. One must stand where no one has stood before in complete nakedness, innocence, and humility…..It is the activity of an inward revolution brought down into time and space.”~ Adyashanti
Much love, Grace