May 2020 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

May 30, 2020

A key turning point in my healing journey of eating peace

Eating Peace Basics 101 Online Live Course will run June 24th – August 12th with live Wednesday calls (all recorded) from 9am-10:30am Pacific Time (which is Noon ET or 6pm Europe).

In this course I’ll share 8 key foundational stories–one every week–that are key to investigating so we can dissolve the eating wars we’ve been fighting.

To identify our thinking inside these common stories, and then question the beliefs running for us, is such a huge relief. Read more about the course here.

Also it feels important and worth mentioning that I’m offering an online retreat starting tomorrow at 4:30pm PT to question the beliefs that cause suffering. We’ll be unraveling our painful thinking using The Work of Byron Katie from June 2-7.

While this retreat is not specifically for eating issues, this work is one of the most valuable tools I use to dissolve compulsive behavior.

If you’ve been here awhile reading Eating Peace notes, you know this already. The Work is the way out of the mind and into our freedom with food, with bodies, with everything.

I’ll be sharing the facilitation of this retreat in The Work with the dear and skilled Tom Compton. To read the schedule and options visit here. If you attend only mornings or only evenings, we welcome you for half-time IF you have some experience with The Work.

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Someone asked me recently to share one of my turning points in healing my crazed eating.

There are several key moments when something shifted from that moment forward (all unplanned, but powerful parts of my journey) and these turning points all are related to stories I discovered were false.

Eight of these stories are actually ones I am including in Eating Peace Basics 101.

But one of these stories is a break-down of my beliefs about being honest about what was happening on the inside of me.

It was about how I perceived connection with other people: dangerous, risky, frightened of their rejection, frightened of their judgment.

I didn’t want to be abandoned or rejected, and I did everything to make sure to prevent those things from happening.

Trouble is, I constantly rejected and abandoned myself, and in my focus on avoiding these experiences, the dark cloud of them all floated around me all the time.

I ate, purged, I starved myself, I freaked out about eating and focused on food incessantly.

Here’s what happened. It wasn’t pretty. But reality was much friendlier–a thousand times friendlier–than my thoughts about it:

If you feel isolated the way I did, you may find connection in Online Retreat with me and Tom C, or the Eating Peace Basics course coming up. I’d be honored to have you in either one. It’s my heart’s joy to share the peace with others and it keeps me on my own journey of waking up to What Is.

Much love,

Grace

May 30, 2020

No conditions for love…even with cancer

I am ready to continue to sit again with this mind, old thoughts, new group, and the dreams I’ve experienced that appear stressful.

Someone wrote and asked about cancer and seeing it with unconditional love.

One of my deepest inquiries, personally, has been whatever appears to show up as a matter of life or death.

What are the situations I see in my mind with cancer?

Sitting at the bedside of my father, a November where it’s been drizzling all day, and the darkness has now descended at 4:00pm in the afternoon in the Pacific Northwest. The time of death is near, after two years of many treatments. He will never get to see his grandchildren not yet born, or to retire.

My doctor looks serious when I return to her office about a large bump on my thigh that was biopsied two weeks earlier. “After I take the stitches out, we need to talk about this.” Adrenaline surges through my body.

One of my dearest friends since age 14. I’ve been visiting him weekly for many months. He doesn’t get out of bed anymore when I come. I see wide bumps on his back that look like they are full of liquid, as he moves to reach for a glass of water.

The father of my children and first husband lies in a very quiet low-lit room in the tall Swedish Hospital in the middle of our city. There’s a gorgeous view out the window of a warm summer sunset. Everyone who visited earlier has left. I didn’t know I’d be the only one in the hushed room. I feel choked up, and heart-broken, and awkward….but there, present.

This is horrible. Awful. Wrong. Terrible. Devastating. Something to be AGAINST. Death. Knowing death is coming. Body breaking down. They are going soon. Terrifying.

Is it true?

What?! What kind of question is that?

How could that NOT be true? Of course it’s terrible. Nobody likes dying, and especially of cancer.

I notice how sure the mind is that it’s right. I notice how it’s terrified of death, even when it’s inevitable for everyone.

Such certainty, all based on guesses.

Can you absolutely know this is true that this situation, dancing with cancer, is horrible, terrifying, wrong…for them, for me?

This is no small question. This is the greatest question in the world.

Can I know it’s true that death–and especially death by THIS thing called cancer–is the “worst” thing ever?

Can I know the pain is intolerable, wrong, devastating?

No.

I. Do. Not. Know.

When I experienced the cancerous tumor, it was cut off my leg and almost 50 stitches to sew the area back up. The pain I felt was a super sharp sting as they put in the lidocaine injections deep into my thigh. I was awake. There was no additional pain. I saw nothing but the surgeon wearing her mask and the assistants moving about, smoke rising from a cauterizer. I heard them talking.

With my loved ones, I was there with them, just being there. Except for my reaction to the image of them over there, looking like they were weak and hurting and almost dead (and my stories about death) the space was peaceful.

Actually, more than peaceful. It was sacred.

Holy.

Like I was present to the portal that opens between this world and another, perhaps.

Someone doing The Work with me once said with a choked throat and tears and despair “There might be nothing on the other side. It’s just over. It’s so sad.”

And I notice, I don’t know if it’s sad. If it’s over there would be no sadness. The sadness can only be in the mind, now.

How do you react when you believe this death approaching, this illness, is horrible?

How do you react when you’re against it?

Crushed.

Imagination run rampant with thoughts of how it would feel, of imagining pain, of comparing what is with what was or what should be.

Here, I’m aware this work of self-inquiry is not about moving speedy quick over these difficult feelings or the wildness and mystery of life and death.

It is not saying “never think about death” or pretending there is no feeling of falling.

There is no trying to get somewhere else really, at all, even though I must admit I came into The Work trying to get somewhere else, somewhere different that felt better.

But who would I be in the face of cancer and death, without my conditions? Who would I be without the belief it should be different…another way?

How did I get the idea?

I notice how much I love the world, love people, connections, life, wonder. Perhaps that’s where I got the idea.

I imagine this love, this awe of life and how strange, magnificent, weird and mysterious it all is….and I dream of it ending in the future, as other things have apparently ended, and I feel what I’m calling “sad”.

Without the thought of “horrible” though, I’m in the moment now, with these people and images, with this invisible thing called cancer, where bodies are changing.

I see how there’s a slow peaceful movement away from the symptoms into whatever death is.

Everything changing, shifting, moving.

Turning the thought around: MY THINKING is horrible. Awful. Wrong. Terrible. Devastating. Something to be AGAINST. Death. My thinking is coming. Mind breaking down. My thinking is going soon. My thinking is terrifying and terrified.

Could it be that except for my thinking, all is well?

Yes. I’m simply here, aware. Being here, winding up here without a plan–there was no plan.

Holding this person’s hand, sitting in the presence of What Is. Broken open. Broken open very wide.

Not too terrified to be here, witnessing. Of service, if I can be. Noticing I want to give time, attention, connection. Noticing I wouldn’t want to miss any of this.

Not too terrified to feel like falling to my knees and surrendering to All This and sobbing my heart out.

This is wonder-ful, bearable. Right. Happening. Affirming. Something to be in favor of. Life. Knowing death is coming is good. Body breaking down is OK, the way of it. We are all going soon. We get to make that mysterious journey. It is loving.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

I can find so many advantages.

What if all the “conditions” I’ve placed on loving and being loved, on accepting and being acceptable, on feeling happy and peaceful, on me being a “me” and you being a “you”…..

…..fell away and there was nothing more required, absolutely nothing, in order to experience and be love, or peace, or happiness itself?

Aren’t I most interested in No Conditions?

Isn’t my greatest choice, perhaps my only choice, the ending of all conditions for love, peace or happiness? Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted…to feel whole, joyful, free no matter what?

Isn’t that why I keep loving doing The Work?

Yes.

Without the thoughts about dying, disease and death….what is, is amazing.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Retreat starts in 2 days. For those of you asking about attending morning sessions only during this retreat since you’re in Europe, or evenings only if you’re in Australia, yes you can (good to have experience in The Work). Please consider the contribution of about $60-$80 per session to support us in our work. Institute for The Work ITW candidates receive 24 in-person credits (12 with me, 12 with Tom Compton–unless you’ve already gotten credit with us before). Join us here.

May 28, 2020

She poisoned our friendship

Speaking of mental detoxifying. The definition of the word “toxic”, from the original latin meaning, is “poisoned”.

In our modern day language we say “that’s a toxic relationship” or “this is a toxic food” or “she has a toxic personality”.

Poisoned.

Quite dramatic, right?

And yet I could find in my mind a person I would call “toxic” from my history.

Can you find someone who you’d inwardly refer to as toxic?

You know the one. Picture them now.

I can see it, even though the memory is many years old.

She betrayed me, back-stabbed me, hurt me. A friend who did a weird thing that wound up involving legal issues.

She anonymously reported me to the state government offices which oversee my counseling credential complaining that I didn’t have a master’s degree, that I wasn’t being supervised, and that because I offered retreats at Breitenbush Hotsprings, I was counseling people in the nude.

I still shake my head in disbelief, although I’ve done The Work on it.

I feel like such a modest person. Never would I conduct a counseling session naked. LOL.

Notice the defense arising. The urge to explain what kind of person I am, what a strange accusation it was that surely does not fit.

What happened there? Such a misunderstanding! How could she accuse me of this?

She poisoned our friendship!

Is it true?

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

YES!

Well. Deep breath. Pause. Answer the question.

I’m not absolutely sure.

We had a wonderful friendship, before she learned about my new retreat-teaching at Breitenbush.

Who made the change? Who brought something forth that was uncomfortable, or new, or….toxic, apparently?

That was me.

I was the one who started presenting retreats at Breitenbush where they have clothing-optional soaking tubs to use on down-time or in between workshop sessions.

How do I react when I believe she poisoned our friendship?

Angry. Sad. Heart-broken. Confused.

I scan the past for clues about how she could have done this to me. I feel like a victim. Shocked.

So who would I be without this dreadful story of toxic poisoning coming from “out there” at me, through my friend?

Noticing how safe I was the whole time. How much I learned about the law and complaints and the legal matters–more than I ever imagined. Noticing how comfortable I feel with the state and government, and how grateful I feel for my degree (yes, that I earned) and my clarity about the law now.

Here’s the funny thing: I had never been sure about what I was supposed to be doing when it came to being supervised or having a consult group as a “certified counselor”, and I found out I wasn’t supposed to be supervised at all–in fact, I was eligible to take a program of accreditation if I wanted to BE a supervisor myself.

I was eligible as a graduate level counselor to offer CEUs to mental health professionals. I would have never known this, if it weren’t for my friend.

So surprised!

Turning the thought around: I poisoned my own friendliness with myself. My thinking poisoned my friendship with this other person. She did NOT poison our friendship.

All she did was make a report, then vanished without speaking to me ever again.

You could say I was spared, but I mean that in the most kind way.

She was soft, non-violent, slipped away silently without confrontation, and the process left me more knowledgeable about ethics in my state than I ever paid attention to before.

My confidence grew 100 times bigger in a good way. I wasn’t so afraid of the authority of the state overseeing department. They felt like real people. I understood that steps are in place if people get frightened or worried about mental health practices.

But oh, my, the poisoned feeling of fear in my mind and heart after I discovered who it was who had reported me.

I was so frightened and shocked that when I opened a letter from the State two whole years later, my heart skipped a beat–that little drive of adrenaline flashed through (it was a normal form letter to renew my license).

My fear and terror would flare up–I’d have a seizure, as Byron Katie sometimes jokes–and pour some toxic energy into my system through images I’d see of the past of being betrayed by a friend, cut off, abandoned.

I see I created it all.

I don’t know exactly what was happening over there with my friend, but I do know we’re cut from the same cloth–because I’m not all that comfortable with naked hot tubs myself.

For me, it was strange, and uncommon, to see naked bodies of all shapes and sizes when I passed closely near the clothing-optional tub area.

Perhaps my mind needed a little openness, a little “clean up”.

In fact, a clean up is just what I got.

My entire career path was cleaned up–I began doing only The Work of Byron Katie with clients, a sense of stability grew within, a trust that what I was doing felt good and sweet and ever-evolving.

Why, now that I think about it, that whole thing that went down was an internal clean up of a toxic dump site in my mind.

Thank you, that friend, for helping me detox my thinking.

Become the sky.

Take an axe to the prison wall.

Escape.

Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.

Do it now.

~Jalaluddin Rumi

The joys of doing The Work.

Much love,

Grace

May 27, 2020

Those mean, judgmental people on the internet who left nasty comments

Almost last call for online retreat with me and Tom Compton, co-facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.

To read about the schedule, visit here. It helps if you let us know by Saturday so we can be prepared for you. Deadline to join is Sunday night at 9pm Pacific Time.

So here’s an interesting predicament about this retreat.

In these weird times of the closures and the uncertainty with in-person events, we didn’t even know to move it to an online thing until about 2 weeks ago (maybe 3)?

Tom and I quickly sorted out a schedule that worked, we updated the Institute for The Work listing, we blocked our calendars, and I set up the zoom event and registration page.

I created an event for it on facebook and shared it.

Easy.

Then…a comment appeared below the facebook post of the event.

“I love The Work….but I’m not sure about the hair….I just really don’t know.”

I was pretty sure the commenter was referring to Tom’s long grey tousle of California surfer hair.

The event has a head shot of him on the left, then my head shot on the right. You might have seen it here on a previous Grace Note.

Then someone else commented, “Try taking a bath!”

Wow. Weird. Kind of insulting.

All this about the hair, I wondered?

Maybe Tom’s uncut look to someone who doesn’t know him means, to them at least, that he’s unkempt, un-groomed, unwashed, or something?

Huh. Interesting.

These comments are NOT the kind I imagined.

Their focus is on the photo, not the content of the upcoming retreat.

I mean, what’s wrong with people?

Who is seeing this event, anyway, online, who is not an appropriate match for someone who’d want to attend the retreat? Why are they commenting?

Then yet another comment, with a sarcastic tone: “Is this a before and after photo? Wow, this work must be magic.”

Wow.

I guess that reference was to the two different head shot photos.

Haha, very funny. (That’s me now being sarcastic).

Not really sure what to think of it all, but guess what?

I realized it was time for a little “work”.

You want to follow along with me?

Have you ever had someone judge you or someone close to you negatively based on your appearance, or a photo?

My thoughts:

They have it wrong. They don’t understand. They’re being superficial. They’re mean.

Is it true?

Yes. Oh yes, yes, yes.

They have no idea what they are missing….(defense appears). They are jumping to erroneous conclusions (more defense). They are mistaken. (Um, yah. More defense).

But is it absolutely true they have it wrong, they’ve misunderstood, they’re being superficial, they’re mean?

No.

I don’t know them.

All I am seeing is typing on facebook. It’s not even a person. It’s just a communication, an idea.

I notice judgments and curiosity running inside this mind here all the time (pointing at my own head).

It’s happening, actually, while I read these comments about hair.

What happens, how do you react, when you believe someone has been quick to judge, is mean, is superficial?

Startled. A little surprised.

Thinking it *shouldn’t* be this way.

Who would I be without the belief, in the same situation, looking at words on a facebook comment: who or what would I be in this moment without my story?

Very entertained. Chuckling.

Also taking in that the hair is indeed unusual by comparison. Instead of defense, I get to notice 3 different apparent people had something to say about it. Not one, not two, but three.

It’s like if someone said “your fly is down” and you just said “Oh! Thanks!” and zipped it up.

What’s the reality? We all saw the fly down.

There’s a head of long hair, on a man when men often tend to cut their hair short. Maybe.

Nothing personal, just information coming through.

Noticing this is what minds do. They see things, and decide things and make jokes about things and share their thoughts about things.

I suddenly remember my husband reporting this past year that when a new student came half way through the year, a little boy named Roy….he had long hair. Unusual perhaps for a 4 year old. All the kids called him “she”.

So even 4 year olds are calling a peer “she” if they have long hair. It’s not right or wrong, but there are expectations.

Without my story, I wonder “How fascinating! I wonder what THIS is for?!”

Curiosity rises up.

Turning the thought around:

I have it wrong. I don’t understand. I’m being superficial. I’m mean.

Yes. How many times in my life have I judged myself and said like I’m talking to myself with a Mean Girl voice: you have it wrong, you don’t understand anything, you’re so superficial that you care about your own appearance–especially your weight–you’re so mean.

Super, hyper critical. As if that helped me change. (Not).

I also definitely had a wave of wondering who would take the time to comment about hair styles on a Work of Byron Katie facebook event. I totally raise my hand in noticing I thought they were weirdos, people without a clue.

Which I do not know.

(Maybe I’m the clueless one, not remembering that even 4 year olds already see the world of hair and make conclusions).

Turning the thought around again to the opposite: They have it right. They do understand. They’re NOT being superficial. They’re kind.

WOWSERS!!!

I can find examples immediately.

They were kind enough to be clear and honest.

They shared quickly to the point and made me realize when someone has an unconventional appearance, it might make others a little nervous and uncertain, wondering what it means.

I never even thought about it. I appreciated the wildness of Tom’s hair from the very start, ever since he let it grow a few years ago.

He shared with me he stopped cutting it just after his wife died of cancer.

He also told me that experience of the journey of cancer was one of the most powerful, immense experiences of learning what Unconditional Love is that he could ever have imagined.

How incredible.

More examples of how those commenters on facebook are kind, understanding, honest: They’re looking at images of people they don’t know and have never met, so of course they’re being superficial–in a good way. They understand they see something unusual, they aren’t blind. They went above and beyond the call of duty by actually mentioning their impressions.

They have it right.

Who am I without my story?

Somehow filled with appreciation and joy in this moment for the way life directs people (and me) to go where they need to go in a simple, easy way…and not go where it might be hard or weird or unwelcome.

Getting ready to share retreat time with friends, with people who want to question their thinking with facilitators who have been at it for a very, very long time.

Tom read Rumi out loud from the front of the room at my first school for The Work in March 2005 when his hair was short and brown and curly, and his wife was still alive.

So here we are, whomever “Tom” and “Grace” are, preparing for the adventure of five days doing The Work, to sink into the deep waters of being, feeling, wondering who we all are without our stressful stories….

I know the people who appear will be the perfect people.

We’ll be ready to consider painful stories we’ve experienced in life: judgment, rejection, loss, cancer, death, fear, relationship trauma or drama, irritation, compulsion, worry, money woes, career angst.

We collect together as a sweet group of humans to narrow down the situations that cause us pain mentally and emotionally, and we dive into our work in the magnificent presence of community.

Shame falls away, isolation melts, and new understanding is possible.

That’s what I find every time.

I know it will be good.

Only two weeks ago, when I facilitated my spring retreat (the first time I ever did a retreat on zoom) the sharing and exercises were absolutely wonderful.

Better than I ever thought.

“Reality is kinder than our thoughts about it.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask me by hitting “reply” or we can also talk on zoom or the phone. Nothing required here, only a willing mind (and a computer or wi-fi connection, apparently). You can dial in with your phone, though, if that’s your favorite way.

Sliding scale registration. Please choose what works for you, we know some of you are out of work at the moment.

But I don’t wanna do The Work! It’s sooooo boring!

A new Peace Talk podcast episode 161 is released, where I do The Work with another awesome person willing to show up and question their thoughts.

The story she questioned?

The belief that she lost everything. Wow. Brave.

Listen on apple podcasts HERE.

Or watch us on video here:

I lost everything (eyesight, health, joie de vivre….)

I never stop being inspired by everyone’s work. I mean everyone.

But.

A few weeks ago a participant in Year of Inquiry shared that she had been kinda tired of it all and taking a break.

From The Work.

Gasp!

LOL.

I’m laughing with her, not at her.

Because this is NOT an unfamiliar thought that’s entered my mind. And many others’ minds as well.

Yes, seriously.

I’ve heard it a ton, in my own head and from others’ sharing it with me. Just because we’re doing The Work doesn’t mean we don’t complain about it, or say things like “I won’t do it…give me netflix! I haven’t written a worksheet in weeks!”

I get surprised, in fact, that people continue to come over and over to show up, answer the same four questions, and wonder about their minds. 🙂

But they do. And shockingly, so do I.

I hear the voice say things like “Ugh. Whatever. Isn’t there an easier way than these repetitive four questions? I mean, Jeezus. Really?”

Or the voice sounds like two people having a conversation:

Voice-In-The-Mind A: “You know, remember that thing called The Work? Four questions? If you did The Work on that disturbance, you might discover something.”

Voice-In-The-Mind B: “Aw, give it a rest. Can’t I just watch a stand-up comedy routine on my computer in peace?!”

The thing is….there might be waiting to do The Work, or having a hissy fit while getting out the pen and paper….

….There might be trying other options or listening to podcasts….

….but in the end the simplest, shortest, least costly way to understanding when I’m confused or upset and not sure what else to do, is The Work.

Yesterday, the first day of Spring Retreat occurred online.

From brand new beginners to The Work, to very experienced facilitators and people who have been to multiple schools and events with Byron Katie.

All sixteen of us assembled together on zoom, our painful worksheets and situations in mind.

It’s truly astonishing what people are willing to turn towards, sit with, share, and question. How real, vulnerable and honest people can be. Knowing there is no right way or wrong way, just noticing what the mind is doing as it receives questions, and answers them.

It’s totally inspiring.

What I love noticing is that despite complaining, even about doing The Work….despite trying to avoid the conflicts, fears and agonies we imagine….despite over-eating or trying to escape through other mechanisms or fantasies…despite feeling furious or enraged at Those People who betrayed us or who have had power over us….

….people show up, willing to share what they’re believing that hurts, and willing to question their stories.

I am inspired and re-inspired every time.

I actually think “Wow, how fascinating this person is! So smart! So open! So raw! So honest!”

So if you’ve had the belief cross your mind that The Work is too simple, or too boring, or too weird, or too much work, or too repetitive, or too hard….sometimes just getting with one other person or a small group of kind listeners can make a huge difference.

It certainly does for me.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Another online retreat is coming: June 2-June 7. This one has a different schedule than the one underway and one of my fav co-facilitators is joining me: Tom Compton.

For more information about online retreat with Tom C and Grace B visit here.