Posted on by Grace

No conditions for love…even with cancer

I am ready to continue to sit again with this mind, old thoughts, new group, and the dreams I’ve experienced that appear stressful.
Someone wrote and asked about cancer and seeing it with unconditional love.
One of my deepest inquiries, personally, has been whatever appears to show up as a matter of life or death.
What are the situations I see in my mind with cancer?
  • Sitting at the bedside of my father, a November where it’s been drizzling all day, and the darkness has now descended at 4:00pm in the afternoon in the Pacific Northwest. The time of death is near, after two years of many treatments. He will never get to see his grandchildren not yet born, or to retire.
  • My doctor looks serious when I return to her office about a large bump on my thigh that was biopsied two weeks earlier. “After I take the stitches out, we need to talk about this.” Adrenaline surges through my body.
  • One of my dearest friends since age 14. I’ve been visiting him weekly for many months. He doesn’t get out of bed anymore when I come. I see wide bumps on his back that look like they are full of liquid, as he moves to reach for a glass of water.
  • The father of my children and first husband lies in a very quiet low-lit room in the tall Swedish Hospital in the middle of our city. There’s a gorgeous view out the window of a warm summer sunset. Everyone who visited earlier has left. I didn’t know I’d be the only one in the hushed room. I feel choked up, and heart-broken, and awkward….but there, present.
This is horrible. Awful. Wrong. Terrible. Devastating. Something to be AGAINST. Death. Knowing death is coming. Body breaking down. They are going soon. Terrifying.
 
Is it true?
What?! What kind of question is that?
How could that NOT be true? Of course it’s terrible. Nobody likes dying, and especially of cancer.
I notice how sure the mind is that it’s right. I notice how it’s terrified of death, even when it’s inevitable for everyone.
Such certainty, all based on guesses.
Can you absolutely know this is true that this situation, dancing with cancer, is horrible, terrifying, wrong…for them, for me?
This is no small question. This is the greatest question in the world.
Can I know it’s true that death–and especially death by THIS thing called cancer–is the “worst” thing ever?
Can I know the pain is intolerable, wrong, devastating?
No.
I. Do. Not. Know.
When I experienced the cancerous tumor, it was cut off my leg and almost 50 stitches to sew the area back up. The pain I felt was a super sharp sting as they put in the lidocaine injections deep into my thigh. I was awake. There was no additional pain. I saw nothing but the surgeon wearing her mask and the assistants moving about, smoke rising from a cauterizer. I heard them talking.
 
With my loved ones, I was there with them, just being there. Except for my reaction to the image of them over there, looking like they were weak and hurting and almost dead (and my stories about death) the space was peaceful.
Actually, more than peaceful. It was sacred.
Holy.
Like I was present to the portal that opens between this world and another, perhaps.
Someone doing The Work with me once said with a choked throat and tears and despair “There might be nothing on the other side. It’s just over. It’s so sad.”
And I notice, I don’t know if it’s sad. If it’s over there would be no sadness. The sadness can only be in the mind, now.
How do you react when you believe this death approaching, this illness, is horrible?
How do you react when you’re against it?

Crushed.

Imagination run rampant with thoughts of how it would feel, of imagining pain, of comparing what is with what was or what should be.

Here, I’m aware this work of self-inquiry is not about moving speedy quick over these difficult feelings or the wildness and mystery of life and death.

It is not saying “never think about death” or pretending there is no feeling of falling.

There is no trying to get somewhere else really, at all, even though I must admit I came into The Work trying to get somewhere else, somewhere different that felt better.

But who would I be in the face of cancer and death, without my conditions? Who would I be without the belief it should be different…another way?

How did I get the idea?

I notice how much I love the world, love people, connections, life, wonder. Perhaps that’s where I got the idea.

I imagine this love, this awe of life and how strange, magnificent, weird and mysterious it all is….and I dream of it ending in the future, as other things have apparently ended, and I feel what I’m calling “sad”.

Without the thought of “horrible” though, I’m in the moment now, with these people and images, with this invisible thing called cancer, where bodies are changing.

I see how there’s a slow peaceful movement away from the symptoms into whatever death is.

Everything changing, shifting, moving.

Turning the thought around: MY THINKING is horrible. Awful. Wrong. Terrible. Devastating. Something to be AGAINST. Death. My thinking is coming. Mind breaking down. My thinking is going soon. My thinking is terrifying and terrified.

Could it be that except for my thinking, all is well?

Yes. I’m simply here, aware. Being here, winding up here without a plan–there was no plan.

Holding this person’s hand, sitting in the presence of What Is. Broken open. Broken open very wide.

Not too terrified to be here, witnessing. Of service, if I can be. Noticing I want to give time, attention, connection. Noticing I wouldn’t want to miss any of this.

Not too terrified to feel like falling to my knees and surrendering to All This and sobbing my heart out.

This is wonder-ful, bearable. Right. Happening. Affirming. Something to be in favor of. Life. Knowing death is coming is good. Body breaking down is OK, the way of it. We are all going soon. We get to make that mysterious journey. It is loving.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

I can find so many advantages.

What if all the “conditions” I’ve placed on loving and being loved, on accepting and being acceptable, on feeling happy and peaceful, on me being a “me” and you being a “you”…..

…..fell away and there was nothing more required, absolutely nothing, in order to experience and be love, or peace, or happiness itself?

Aren’t I most interested in No Conditions?

Isn’t my greatest choice, perhaps my only choice, the ending of all conditions for love, peace or happiness? Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted…to feel whole, joyful, free no matter what?

Isn’t that why I keep loving doing The Work?

Yes.

Without the thoughts about dying, disease and death….what is, is amazing.

Much love,
Grace
P.S. Retreat starts in 2 days. For those of you asking about attending morning sessions only during this retreat since you’re in Europe, or evenings only if you’re in Australia, yes you can (good to have experience in The Work). Please consider the contribution of about $60-$80 per session to support us in our work. Institute for The Work ITW candidates receive 24 in-person credits (12 with me, 12 with Tom Compton–unless you’ve already gotten credit with us before). Join us here.

2 Replies to “No conditions for love…even with cancer”

  1. Hi Grace,
    I’m a therapist also, just barely exposed to The Work, and I saw your First Friday announcement and hoped I might be able to attend. But we live in Tucson and I didn’t see a phone number listed that would apply to this area for the Zoom contact phone numbers. If I can make it, what number would I call? Thanks Grace!
    Warmly,
    Gary Sugarman

    1. Here’s the full listing with all numbers, Gary: Grace Bell is inviting you to a scheduled Zoom meeting.

      Topic: First Friday Inquiry Jam: The Work of Byron Katie with Facilitator Grace
      Time: Jun 5, 2020 07:45 AM Pacific Time (US and Canada)
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      Join Zoom Meeting
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